11x10 - Yachty or Nice

[bunniefuu]

What a catering gig, huh?

The Glencrest Yacht Club

- Christmas Yacht Parade.

- Yay.

Yeah, they put Christmas lights on boats and sail them through the harbor, and the whole town can come.

And there's a Santa, and they do Hanukkah, too, which is nice, 'cause let's just say the yacht club didn't always do Hanukkah.

Anyway, it's gonna be great.

Yeah, and I can't wait to try out my "I'm Brie-ing of a White Crisp-mas" sliders.

With Brie, and crispy onions.

It's kinda complicated.

I might be nervous and trying too hard.

No.

I'm actually not sure why the yacht club asked us to do this.

I mean, the other restaurants they invited are pretty impressive, and we're us.

It's a little strange, right?

- Not strange.

- Pretty strange.

Strangely pretty?

I mean, how does the yacht club even know about us?

The person I've been coordinating with wasn't sure.

Stop looking for reasons to worry, Bob.

Mm.

I'm just not used to good stuff happening.

Think of it like a gift from Santa.

If Santa brings something nice, you don't ask questions.

You take it and keep your mouth shut.

Yeah, I do not want to know where Santa gets all that stuff.

- The elves' workshop?

- That's a front.

- Hey, Bob.

- Hey Trev.

- Happy holidays.

- Happy holidays.

- Ha.

- Okay, bye.

- Zoom!

(laughs)

- Ah, good one, Jimmy.

I get it, humiliating and dominating me.

Well, you were asking for it by standing there.

-Ugh.

Jimmy.

-All right.

Come on, kids, let's go.

- Give Trev his dignity.

- You don't need pants, Trev.

Not with those knees.

Hello.

Can I help you?

Yeah, we're, uh, caterers, for the yacht parade.

Caterers?

You'll be setting up in the marina.

Please go around the building.

Inside is for members only.

- "Members" as in "wieners"?

- Excuse me?

Uh, n-nothing.

Uh, we'll go around.

Thank you.

Look at us, going around a yacht club.

- Afternoon.

- Mr.

President.

Good afternoon.

Wait, uh, that was the club president?

Uh, could I speak to him?

I'm just curious how you guys picked us.

The president's really busy right now.

- Good for him.

- Bob, come on, we got to set up.

- Um, uh, okay.

- Try not to step on the ground too much.

Thank you.

Oh, ho, ho.

Hello, friends.

- Hey, Teddy.

- Hi.

It's me, Teddy...

Oh, you all knew.

That's disappointing, somehow.

So you're the yacht club Santa?

Yeah.

I-I was doing some work at the club and they asked me.

The guy they were gonna use got in shape this year, to "stay alive longer."

His loss, my gain, right, guys?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, congrats.

Got to admit, I'm nervous.

I mean, I'm on the Santa Schooner.

Me.

I'm the guy on the Santa Schooner.

- What's the Santa Schooner?

- What's the Santa Schooner?

The last yacht in the yacht parade.

We come right up to the dock, and I step off with a big bag of fancy presents donated by club members.

- Fancy what now?

- And I go over and I get

- welcomed by the mayor.

- The mayor?

Bob, the mayor.

- The mayor!

- I heard him, Lin.

And then I hand out presents to kids on the dock.

Eh, but I don't know if I have what it takes to be Santa.

The guy's so organized with that list and the checking it twice.

And those rosy cheeks.

A-Are my cheeks even rosy?

- They're ruddy.

- Teddy, about those presents.

Uh-huh.

Some really nice stuff.

Dollies, action figures, doing all types of actions.

- Intriguing.

- What else?

One member owns a remote control car company, and he donated a few cars from his private reserve.

- They go just a little too fast.

- How fast?

Ram it into your foot at full speed, you're losing a toenail.

- Holy crap, I want that.

- Whoa.

- Hmm.

But the good stuff's gonna run out.

After that it's just a bunch of erasers donated by a defense lawyer.

They say "We Make Your Mistakes Go Away."

Sounds like a great lawyer and a bad present.

If you want a good present, you better get in line early.

All those kids are waiting already.

- Mom, Dad, it's been real.

- Louise, kids, no.

Yeah, sorry, guys.

We didn't know about the whole present thing.

And we need your help prepping the sliders.

The recipe's pretty involved.

Oh, my God.

There's free presents for kids, and what are we?

- That's right, we're kids!

- Teen kids, some of us.

And Gene kids.

But it's also fun to work with your family and get presents in two days at Regular People Christmas.

No, it isn't!

- Sorry.

We love you.

- No, you don't!

- Tina!

- All right, we better get set up.

- Uh, good luck, Teddy.

- Uh, hey.

For the rest of the night, call me Santa, okay?

- I'll try.

- I'll try what?

I'll try, Santa.

Maybe your eyes could light up like a child's when you say it?

- Teddy.

- Yep, I'm gonna go.

Bye, guys.

Oh, what a night.

We got twinkly lights, floaty boats,

- the mayor's gonna be here.

- Yep.

I still don't get why you love the mayor so much.

Because he's got that walk.

He's like...

(chanting): "I'm the mayor, look at me.

- Helping my community."

- Uh-huh.

Oh.

Uh, Mr.

uh...

uh, President man?

Sorry.

I-I don't know your name.

- Mr.

President Man is fine.

- Oh, okay.

- Uh, do you have a second?

- Not really.

We're doing a little ceremony later for tonight's vendors...

Like yourself... and I need to prepare my remarks.

Which is what I call the drinks I'm gonna have.

(laughs)

Ha, ha.

Well, I'll be quick.

Uh, my name is Bob Belcher.

This is my family.

- Hi.

- My liege.

I was wondering, uh, how did you hear about us?

Well, like all the vendors, you came highly recommended by someone in our yachting community.

You see, Bob?

It's not the crazy, evil plan of someone out to get you somehow.

Who recommended us?

- Hmm.

Who was that?

- JIMMY: Hey, look out!

Expensive boat coming through.

Oh, that's right.

It was Jimmy Pesto.

Jimmy Pesto?

He took out a second mortgage for this.

Shush.

Oh, God.

It is the crazy, evil plan of someone out to get me somehow.

- Bob...

- Linda, this is a trap.

Great.

A festive Christmas trap with my family.

Aw, family.

Ugh, Jimmy.

I knew this job was too good to be true.

Bob, don't be paranoid.

(sighs)

He's coming over here.

LOUISE: Great.

We're gonna check out the gift situation.

- No.

- Kids, you got to prep.

- We finished.

- What?

Already?

It's a Christmas miracle, and also we went really fast and don't look too closely at our work.

Need anything else, or you're good?

- You're good?

You're good.

- JIMMY: Hey, hey.

Look who it is, the Ghost of Christmas...

(fart sound)

- (laughs)

- Ha.

Fart ghost.

You recommended us for this, Jimmy?

Yeah, the president and I are bro buddies.

He needed vendors, so I threw out some names.

He's definitely gonna have to make you a member now.

H-Hey, I am a member, practically.

Top of the wait list.

Up top.

- Nuh-uh.

- Down low?

- Nope.

- But Christmas.

So, you did this out of the goodness of your heart?

Yeah.

'Tis the season, right?

Uh, but, uh, why don't you just worry about your tiny burgers, Bob?

Ha.

Cause sliders are small.

Why don't you have a booth, Jimmy?

I got to mingle.

I mean, these are my people.

- Eh.

Could be, if you get in.

- Would you ju...

Listen.

I know you're up to something, Jimmy.

- Do you hear me?!

- (chuckles): He's fine.

Happy holidays.

Ugh.

So many kids in line.

Yep, we're getting erasers.

We're eraser children.

Sweet siblings, we won't be waiting in line.

Waiting is for people who aren't close personal friends with Santa.

About to board the old Santa Schooner, huh, Teddy?

(chuckles): I mean, Santa.

- How you feeling?

- Still nervous.

I-I thought I was having a heart att*ck, but I wasn't.

Great, great.

So you know we've always thought of you as...

kind of a father figure, mixed with an uncle.

With a splash of stranger.

Just enough to keep it interesting.

Wow.

Okay.

So, Uncle Father Santa Teddy, you've got a yacht full of presents to give to kids, and we are kids.

So why don't you go on the yacht, grab a primo gift or three, and, uh, do what Santa does best?

- Fly?

- No.

I'm saying give some gifts to us.

Oh.

W-Would Santa do that?

Uh, what about those kids waiting in line?

- For hours, some of them.

- Yeah, Louise.

- What about the kids waiting in line?

- Seriously?

Don't talk to us about waiting in line, okay?

- We've been waiting in line all our lives.

- Preach.

You've seen what it's like for us, Uncle Father Santa Teddy, in our so-called house.

You don't have to do it, Uncle Santa Father...

- uh, sorry, I forget your title.

- Tina.

Uh, what would Santa do?

What would he do?

I'm sorry, kids.

I feel weird about this.

I got to go, and-and not because I have nervous diarrhea.

Hey, does this yacht have a toilet?

And not because I have nervous diarrhea.

Ugh.

Now what are we gonna do?

Go back and work and try to make the best of what little we have?

Well, that's a sad thing to hear a kid say at Christmastime.

Hey, Gus.

Don't worry about us, you enjoy yourself.

Oh, I'm enjoying myself.

I'm having craft beers and chicken satay and craft beers.

It-it's okay, I'm not driving.

I took my dinghy.

- I took my dinghy, too.

- (sighs)

Let's get back to the booth.

But let's take the long, avoiding-work way.

Bye, Gus.

Bye, kids.

Ooh, what do we have here?

Another drink ticket.

Merry Christmas to Gus!

Oh, my God, Bob, I just had a brain thought.

What if the mayor tries one of our burgers?

- Uh-huh.

- He'll love it!

Next he'll be hanging out in the restaurant, asking us advice on city stuff, where to put buildings and whatnot.

I always thought there should be one right over there.

- What is he up to?

- Huh?

What?

Who?

Jimmy.

I know he's got something up his stupid sleeve.

He wants to embarrass me then high-five all his rich friends.

- Bob, you're being crazy.

- Hmm.

Anyway, Jimmy wants to impress the yacht people.

- He's not gonna do some dumb prank.

- Wait.

You're right.

- Yeah.

- That's why Jimmy brought Trev.

He-he's gonna make Trev do it, and then, uh, Jimmy keeps his hands clean.

- Uh, I'll be back.

- Bobby, no.

Don't go starting something.

It's Yacht-mas.

It's time for truth, Lin.

It's truth o'clock.

He's okay.

He's merry.

He's a yacht mess.

Look, it's Bob.

- Hey Trev.

- Heh.

Whatever, Bob.

Hm.

Jimmy's not around.

Do you have to talk like that?

Uh, yeah.

I have social anxiety, Bob.

(sighs)

Okay.

Uh, listen, I know you and Jimmy have something planned.

Probably something stupid and awful, but you shouldn't do it.

How'd you know about that?

So there is something!

What-what is it?

Bob?

Stop breathing on Trev.

I know you're up to something, Jimmy.

- Trev just admitted it.

- What?

- Ugh, I didn't.

- Whatever it is, you're not getting me tonight, Jimmy.

Oh, loosen up, will you?

Especially your belt.

(laughs)

'Cause of your body.

- Body.

- Zoom!

(chuckles)

Trev, come on.

There's a yacht over here with a dirty name.

- Classic.

I love names.

- (snickering)

Well, none of it's gonna work, Jimmy.

And-and I don't even have a belt.

It's elastic.

And it fits fine, sort of.

Wait.

Loosen your belt?

(distorted): Zoom!

Yes.

That's it.

He wants to pants me in front of rich people.

That monster.

Not this time.

No, Jimmy.

This time it's gonna be your pants!

(cackles)

We like to keep this walkway clear.

- Oh.

Uh, I'm sorry.

- You're still on it.

- Oh, okay, um...

- Thank you.

- Here?

- Thank you.

Aw, look at the boats, all lit up.

Here you go.

Stocking stuffer for your mouth.

Stuff it, in a good way.

Bob, what are you doing?

I'm using bungee cords to make myself impossible to pants.

Yeah, Mom, what's it look like he's doing?

Listen, I know you thought this job was too good to be true, and yeah, the Jimmy thing's weird, but you got to get a grip.

I have a grip.

A firm grip, on my pants.

- That's my guy.

- I'm worried about Dad.

I'm worried it took him this long to figure out he looks great in bungee cords.

Guys, do you see what I see?

It's Gus.

TINA: Yep, that's Gus all right.

So you just want us to watch Gus for a little bit?

- I'm in.

- No, his boat.

He can take us to the Santa Schooner.

- Follow my lead.

- (groans)

Mom, we're exhausted.

We need a break.

And a foot rub, but we'll get to that later.

Oh, uh, Bob, can we manage without the kids?

Wait, I could run another bungee cord under my crotch.

Oh, yeah, you've got this.

Fine.

If you see the mayor, tell him about our mayor special.

Is it smothered in mayor-naise?

Now it is.

I'm gonna tell the mayor I thought of that.

- Gus, buddy!

- Children.

Looks like someone's got a date with that salty lass, the sea.

Oh, yup, going home, to the ocean.

Just kidding.

I live in a house.

Wait, we need to get out to that yacht over there.

The one with Santa barfing off the side?

That's the one.

We need to, uh...

get barf medicine to him.

We're doctors.

Damn good ones.

- Nope.

Nope, we're not.

- She's not, we are.

Hey, I know what this is.

You kids want to go on that Santa Schooner and get the pick of the litter.

- What?!

No.

- Exactly.

It's okay, I get it.

I always kind of wanted to take down Santa.

It's the ultimate heist.

Hop in.

- (groans)

- Untie that, will you?

Oh, wait, not that one.

Oh, God.

Uh, let's go, let's go!

Bob, parade's almost over and what do you know, no one's tried to pants you.

- Huh, I mean, that's true.

- PRESIDENT: Testing, testing.

I love to yacht, I live to yacht.

My yacht is hot, I yacht a lot.

Sound okay?

Thank you, everyone for coming to the Yacht-mas Yacht Parade.

Tonight we give members of the community a chance to get to know us.

We're more than just tan, happy faces on a yacht sailing past you.

We're your bosses and neighbors, depending on where you live.

And to show our appreciation for you, our neighbors, let's have our community food vendors come up here on stage.

-Of course.

It's happening now.

-Wha?

Excuse me, sir, can you follow me?

This is it, Linda.

I can feel it.

Oh, you and Jimmy and your stupid penis fights.

I wish you could both just...

(gasps)

The mayor!

There he is!

Sir, is there a reason you're not coming with me?

Bob, you're gonna be so close to the mayor.

Give him this.

Oh, and ask him if he'd want to start a podcast with a sassy mom.

Uh, and it's called The Mayor Show with Mayor and Linda.

All right, Jimmy, let's pants.

GENE: How does this work, Gus?

Do you just toss us into the yacht?

Pirates use poles to attach ropes to the side.

- Where do you keep your pirate poles, Gus?

- There's a ladder.

Uh, never mind, there's no ladder.

Let's go back.

- No, I see it.

That's a ladder.

- Aha!

- Come on.

- O-Okay, I'll wait here and hold this thing that you said wasn't a ladder.

Say "Cayman Islands."

- Uh-uh-uh.

Stay back, Jimmy.

- Huh?

- When's it gonna happen?

- What?

Don't worry about it.

(loud whisper): Bob.

Bob.

Mayor.

- I know.

- Burger.

I'll give it to him, Linda.

Don't yell at me.

And smile.

- BOB: Trev, Trev, Trev.

- (President speaks indistinctly)

I see you.

Oh, wait, he just walked behind someone tall.

Now I see you again.

Okay, they're already wrapped, so we're gonna have to shake 'em to find the good stuff.

And if one sounds like it's got a dangerous, tiny car inside, send it my way.

What if Teddy sees us?

He already said we can't have presents before the other kids.

- Teddy's not gonna see us.

- Oh, hey, kids.

Teddy, buddy, pal!

What are you doing here?

What?

This isn't our boat.

Teddy, any chance you didn't see us?

(Bob grumbling)

Don't even think about it, Trev!

- Wha?

- What the hell?

Don't you tell Trev not to think about it.

Think about it, Trev.

I know what you're up to.

Just chill out, huh?

Don't touch me!

Aah!

(both grunting, shouting indistinctly)

Stop it!

Stop it!

This is a yacht club, not a golf course.

What's your problem, Bob?

As if you don't know, Jimmy.

Oh, Bob, no!

Wait, the mayor's burger.

Where's the burger?

(grunting, shouting continuing)

LINDA: Bobby, no!

Oh, God, there's bungee cords everywhere.

- Bobby!

- Cold.

So cold.

- Stupid Bob.

Stupid water.

You two, get them out!

This is what happens when you open your doors to the boatless.

I mean, uh, who's psyched for Santa?

Eesh.

You kids were gonna take the gifts?

That's not so nice.

Look, if we could have waited in that line, we would have.

But we've been busy doing hard burger labor with our numb little hands.

What are those kids doing?

They're just standing there waiting to stuff their big old present pockets, which I assume they have.

Must be nice!

Uh, okay, if you really think it's the right thing for you to get gifts ahead of the other kids,

- I'll give you gifts.

- Then it's up to us?

- Uh, I guess.

- Great.

- So we don't want gifts.

- We want the gifts.

- And we feel really good about it.

- (groans)

PRESIDENT: Inside the clubhouse is supposed to be for members only, but we're always happy to accommodate two shivering naked people who fell in the ocean.

Sorry to be naked.

Uh, they made us take off our wet clothes so, you know, we wouldn't die.

Well, I hope it was worth it.

Hey, I'm, uh, basically a member now, right?

Damn it.

- Thanks a lot, Bob.

- It's your fault, Jimmy.

- It was your dumb plan.

- What plan?

Your plan to pants me in front of everybody.

I wasn't gonna pants you, idiot.

- But what about what Trev said?

- What?

(stammers)

Trev was supposed to shout something from the audience.

- Shout what?

- Well, something about me and how I helped with all this.

He was gonna get the whole crowd to chant "Jimmy, Jimmy" so the guy would hear and, uh, you know, I'd get in this damn club.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I-I don't get it.

You recommended me for this.

Why?

You-you had to be setting me up for something.

(mutters quietly): I thought the yacht guys would like your food.

What?

I couldn't hear you.

I said...

(mumbles indistinctly)

No, now you just mumbled.

You're covering your face with your blanket.

I thought they would like your food, and then they would like me because I recommended you and that's how I'd get into the thing.

You thought they would like my food?

Oh, it sounds gross when you say it.

We need you to leave.

Here are some blazers we keep in case people forget to wear blazers.

And pants in case people forget to wear pants.

Thank you.

Mission accomplished, huh, guys?

- Nice work.

- Wow, look at the present line.

GENE: It got really long.

You know, some kids like just waiting in line.

They make friends, share stories.

It's the journey, you know.

And we're moving closer, and I'm getting a good look at these kids now, seeing some excited faces, some Christmas joy.

Feeling some guilt, some regrets.

Gonna close my eyes.

Don't like it.

Me, too.

Oh, God, I still see their faces!

- Wait, I didn't close my eyes.

- (sighs): They deserve these gifts more than we do, don't they?

Kind off what I've been saying for a while.

Well, you didn't say it good enough, did you?

- Uh-huh.

Sure, sure.

- Ugh, let's give back the gifts.

Or you can give 'em to your old friend Gus and see what he can get for them on eBay.

Ho, ho, ho!

Happy holidays, son.

Sorry I said son.

That sounds weird.

Uncle Father Santa Teddy?

Hey, kids.

I'm a little busy.

We're giving our gifts back for you to give to them.

Oh, you sure?

- Yeah, we're sure.

- Okay, good for you.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Great, more selfless acts.

How can we be of service?

Could you grab my backup beard?

It's in my bag in the yacht.

Did you forgot to take off your beard when you barfed?

- Can you tell?

- No, it smells great.

Well, we went from holding three sweet gifts in our hands to looking for a less-barfy beard.

I think this is Teddy's bag.

Wait, there's a note for us.

"I knew you kids would do the right thing.

"Here's an RC car that goes too fast.

We can't give it out.

"The battery gets very, very hot, "like about to catch on fire, so, you know, look out for that.

Merry Christmas, Uncle Father Santa Teddy."

That thoughtful son of a g*n.

I get it first.

You did it, Teddy.

You're a good Santa.

- A real good Santa.

- Santa, hurry up.

- (kids shouting indistinctly)

- Ow, ow!

Can-can I get some help, please?

Elves!

This thing is amazing!

Pick up your feet!

Okay, be careful.

Rich people's toes are worth two of our toes.

How you feeling, Bob, you pruney loony?

I'm okay.

The yacht club clothes are nice.

They fit better than my regular clothes.

Yeah.

Who knew clothes could fit?

Hey, um, sorry I didn't listen to you about Jimmy.

It's okay.

As long as you admit we got this gig because we deserve it.

- Hmm, maybe.

- And 'cause we work hard.

And 'cause you got a hot butt.

I can see it now that your pants fit.

Whoa!

Move over, J.Lo.

I can't believe Jimmy was actually doing something nice for me.

I-I kind of feel bad for him.

Uh, yeah, my yacht's over there.

Did you see it?

Oh, sorry, y-you were talking.

- Yeah, poor, dumb Jimmy.

- (sighs)

I'll be right back.

- Um, excuse me.

- Hmm.

You continue to be here.

Yeah.

Uh, sorry about everything.

I-I just wanted to say I think you should still let Jimmy join the club.

(chuckling): Oh, I don't think that will be happening.

But tonight wasn't a total disaster.

People raved about your burgers.

Really?

Uh, well, then I-I guess I should tell you all the credit belongs to Jimmy?

- Was that a question?

- No.

- Jimmy taught me so much.

- Him?

I-It's true.

He's my, uh, ugh, mentor of food.

And he's such a great guy.

Goodbye.

- Well, I did what I could.

- What'd you say?

I-I really don't want to talk about it.

I feel dirty.

I might jump in the water again.

- Mm, excuse me.

Bob and Linda Belcher?

- Uh, yeah, that's us.

- I work for the mayor.

- (gasps)

He sent me to compliment you on the delicious burger he tried earlier this evening.

Wait, how'd he get a burger?

Uh, yeah, we made one for him but I dropped it.

Yes, it landed on the ground, and the mayor followed the three-second rule.

He had worked up quite an appetite from greeting people and watching yachts.

Oh, my God!

Kids, come here.

This man says the mayor tried our burger and he loved it.

He loved it.

Yeah, he ate it off the ground.

Eh, our dad's food's better off the ground.

Floors work, too.

Ah, what a Christmas.

Bob, make some fries.

I'm gonna dump 'em on the dock and see if he comes back.

- Uh, yep.

- Ho, ho, ho!

Who wants erasers?

Hey, you got the car out.

Ow, my toe!

♪ How did I do as Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Sorry, guys, but Santa's insecure ♪

♪ Did you find my beard convincing? ♪

♪ Did my reindeer need a rinsing? ♪

♪ Were you buying this at all? I wasn't sure ♪

♪ How did I do as Santa? ♪

♪ Rate me on a scale of one to ten ♪

Uh, pass.

Well, your stomach shook like jelly.

- Okay.

- But your beard was kind of smelly.

Oh.

♪ We'd recommend this Santa to our friends. ♪

LINDA: Yeah! Now, that's Christmas.