19x09 - The First No L

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Today Show with Matt Lauer sadly looking in the window.

First up, Rachael Ray will be here to help us with a simple Christmas recipe.

(MUFFLED): Can I come back now?

Then, Al will be in to get you ready with your Christmas travel weather.

Are you guys still sore at me?

We also share your best tweets about family visitors.

I thought about what I did.

(LOUD THUD)

(GROANS)

(BLEEP)

(GRUNTS)

(BLEEP)

(GRUNTS)

(BLEEP)

(LOIS GRUNTS, PANTS)

(GROANS, PANTS)

That looks heavy.

Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling (BLEEP)

In front of my children means only one thing.

It's Christmas time.

Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the "O" in the p*rn logo became a wreath.

- Same.

- Nice.

Listen, there's a lot of work to be done to make this place look festive, and unlike most years, where I do everything, this year I want you all to help with the Christmas chores.

Come on, Lois.

You know the deal around here.

We split everything zero- , like most couples.

And I also have another request.

I'd like to finally get a present from the heart this year.

Not just some defective clothing item Peter got on clearance at Marshalls.

But you love The Roling Stons.

Now, to make sure you don't forget your chores, I've made you each a list.

And I want all of these completed by tomorrow.

Sorry.

I can't do chores.

My trick elbow is acting up.

- Is that your card?

- No.

Oh, boy, it's worse than I thought.

Why are we doing our Christmas shopping at the strip mall?

'Cause we ran out of gas out front.

You got to get that gas gauge fixed.

Look, Chris, did you want the gas gauge fixed, or did you want a year of Quibi?

The gas gauge.

I'm sure we can find everything on Mom's list here.

It doesn't look so bad.

If this place doesn't have Baby Yoda toys, I swear to God...

I'll probably buy something with Spider-Man on it.

Okay, guys, now before you can shop at a strip mall, you have to use the free-standing ATM that's chained to a pole and not affiliated with any known bank.

Good.

It's taking an extra-long time to read the card and probably stealing the number.

Select "yes" to pay $ fee.

No brainer.

Perfect.

Now I can't read the screen, 'cause the glare is so bad.

And it's not giving me my card back.

- (PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?

Yes, this is Peter Griffin.

Not anymore?

Well, thanks for telling me.

Look, there's a card and nice paper store.

Let's go walk around it slowly and let out tiny farts.

- (DOOR BELLS TINKLE)

- (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Hmm.

Nice, thick card stock.

(SQUEAKY GAS EXPULSION)

Ah, yes, that's a very bright white.

(SQUEAKY GAS EXPULSION)

Ooh, Century Gothic font.

(LOUD, RUMBLING, GAS EXPULSION)

Miss, this store is for tiny farts only.

There's a Lids next door for that sort of thing.

Welcome to the strip mall H&R Block.

Yes, I'd like to do my taxes.

- How much does H charge?

- $ .

Hmm.

How much does R charge?

$ .

Does R know H has a side thing going with M?

H&M?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Is H back from lunch yet?

Sorry.

He said he was held up with a client.

You were with M again, weren't you?!

What?

No, I wasn't.

Then why are you wearing a designer-looking shirt at a fraction of the cost?

Maybe I wanted to get caught.

I told you what I'd do if I ever caught you cheating.

This is on you!

Why?!

Why?!

What's up?

I was just taking a pee.

Someone call?

Sometimes they let me write my own skits.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to CBS This Morning with Charlie Rose sadly pressed against the window.

Coming up this morning, Christmas came early for a group of first graders in South Bend, Indiana.

(MUFFLED): You guys still cross with me?

Hey, how was the big day of shop...

(SIGHS)

Wait.

Where's all the Christmas stuff?

Ah, yeah.

About that...

I can't believe this.

Brian, where's Stewie's Elf on the Shelf?

Meg, where's the twinkling lights I asked for?

Peter, where's the Christmas tree?

We don't even have a tree.

I'm sorry, Lois.

I got it all under control.

Don't you worry about a thing.

I'll be right back.

♪ ♪ (WIND WHISTLING)

(GASPS)

Peter, you did get a tree.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I sure did, Lois, because I love you and I love this family.

Oh, Peter.

Peter.

Peter.

Peter.

Peter?!

Peter Griffin, what the hell is going on here?

Huh?

Huh?

What?

Oh, yeah.

I was gonna go get all the Christmas stuff, but then I fell asleep rubbin' one out to Madonna's "Santa Baby" in the car.

By the way, tonight's date night is cancelled due to lack of interest.

Peter, you were all supposed to take the weight of the holidays off my shoulders for once, and you failed.

You all failed.

Brian, you're supposed to be responsible.

Bad dog.

Bad.

(WHIMPERING)

Damn it.

And who got candy cane all over the couch?

(WHIMPERING)

You know what?

I've had it.

Every year, my cousin asks me to come to Cabo for Christmas.

Well, this year, I'm going.

You're all gonna see how hard it is to make Christmas happen around here without me.

I am packing my bags, and I'm out of here.

You're getting divorced?

No, I'm just leaving for a few days and ruining their Christmas.

You're ruining Christmas by suing the city over holiday decorations?

No, I'm just leaving my family for the holidays.

You're doing deaf jokes?

No.

No one's doing deaf jokes.

Well, I can't hear, so I don't know.

She's not doing them.

- What?

- I don't know.

I think we...

I think...

I think we are doing deaf jokes at this point.

I can't believe Mom went to Cabo and left us alone for Christmas.

What are we gonna do?

Well, I'll tell you the first thing we're gonna do.

We're gonna delete all of her pretentious crap off the DVR.

I want to be the one to delete The Crown.

She never watched them.

She just had 'em.

Do it, son.

Well, well, well, The Crown.

How the tables have turned.

Remember this face?

The one that wanted to watch Modern Family?

Well, payback's a bitch.

Delete!

"Are you sure you want to delete The Crown?" Yes.

"Do you understand that it's really good?" Yes!

"Are you sure?

It will impress your friends." Accept.

"You understand that we change the cast every season."

Acknowledge.

"Come on.

It's The Crown. It's history." Don't care.

"You are not allowed to delete The Crown."

(YELLING)

(GROANING)

BRITISH TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Crown.

(WOMAN MUMBLING IN BRITISH ACCENT)

(MAN MUMBLING IN BRITISH ACCENT)

I actually kind of love it.

Ah, me, too.

It's 'cause I'm trash, and I love how fancy it is.

Dad, this doesn't help with Christmas.

Yeah, we're screwed.

Who's gonna decorate?

Who's gonna cook Christmas dinner?

Okay, calm down.

Now, I know your mom's gone, and we're a little worried, but Daddy's got a plan.

All right, everybody, go outside and kneel face-first in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole.

Come on, Peter.

We can do this.

All right, Plan B.

I take two pills I got after my root canal and listen to records.

(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)

It's been four days.

Huh.

Not too bad.

First of all, these are really good binoculars.

Second, this was a great plan.

Watching the family fall apart without me is better than Cabo.

Ah.

Look at them.

I'll get a phone call any minute begging me to come back and save Christmas.

But in the meantime, it's time for a little relaxation.

MOTEL TV ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Quahog Motel, the winner of Tripadvisor's award for "Best In-Room Stationery to Write Your su1c1de Note On". Yeah, this is gonna work.

Now all I have to do is lie here and wait, like a cobra.

- Cobra?

Party of one?

- Yes, that's me.

And would you like me to bring your drink from the bar?

Uh, yes.

I have no hands?

All right, time to put up the Christmas decorations.

First, ethnically-accurate Jesus goes right here next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine, followed closely by the three genderless Wise People on their Bird Scooters, Tig Notaro for some reason, and of course, the Little Drummer Them.

Because God forbid we call a boy a boy.

- Dad, what are you say...

- I don't like what the world is!

I'm white!

When's it gonna be our turn?!

Peter, relax.

How am I supposed to relax?

Christmas is tomorrow, and that woman who normally does everything had to go help her sick aunt or something.

- You mean Lois?

- I don't know.

The redhead with the voice.

She usually hangs up these stupid Christmas lights.

And these stupid Christmas wreaths.

And the white wire reindeers that look like ghosts.

Dad, look.

(ANGELIC SINGING)

Oh, my God, it's perfect.

- (PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?

QUAGMIRE: Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Um, listen, Peter, can you turn down those lights?

I'm in bed with a three, and, um, extra light is not her friend.

Oh, my God.

Stewie doesn't have a jacket on, but other than that, Peter's done it.

(GIGGLING)

Yeah.

Oh, you're gonna get it.

You like it rough, don't ya?

Oops, wrong room.

Sorry.

We're excited.

My wife just k*lled herself.

♪ ♪

(INSTRUMENTAL "DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS)

What the hell?

They've never had a front yard family snowball fight when I was there.

Oh, and now the local news is there.

Hello.

I'm Tom Tucker.

This just in.

Husband does what wife normally does, comma, makes headlines.

Come on.

You can't be...

Oh, look at Quagmire trying to sneak that three out of his house.

(SIGHS)

Now they're standing hand-in-hand?

It's like they've never been happier.

Wait.

What's Peter saying?

(DISTORTED, SLOWLY): I...

love... you.

(GASPS)

They better not say it back also in distorted slow-motion to emphasize my horror.

ALL (DISTORTED, SLOWLY): I...

love... you too... Dad.

That's it.

There's only one thing to do.

I must put an end to this whole thing.

I must stop Christmas.

(DISTANT GAS EXPULSION)

Hey, what do you think this is... a Lids?

ANNOUNCER: Lids: come get a camouflage Knicks hat and let one rip.

Find us in the corner of the mall where all the lights are going on and off.

Thanks for the ride.

And your unsolicited racial theories.

I'm telling you: is the Turks, every time.

- Merry Christmas.

- (SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

And now, to ruin Christmas.

(GASPS)

Who left all these dirty dishes out?

Okay, much better.

I'm not even gonna think about the grocery situation.

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

Okay.

Ruin Christmas.

Here we go.

Don't even care if they transferred the wet clothes from the washer to the dryer.

Oh, you see?

I knew it.

I knew it.

♪ ♪

STEWIE: Santa Claus?

Why are you taking our Christmas tree?

Why are you in pigtails and a little girl's nightgown?

Okay, okay, maybe we both forget what we saw.

God, I hate being alone during the holidays.

Wait!

Hello, Joan.

My name is Glenn Quagmire.

I'm just calling to see if I have a payment due on my Discover card.

What?

No, I'm not alone on Christmas.

I'll have you know I'm actually here with my very large family.

Uh, prove it by telling you my children's real names that don't sound like I made them up in a panic?

Uh, uh, Bloofus and Klunt.

Look, there's kids, okay?

Oh, what, you don't believe me?

Bloofus, that vase was irreplaceable.

Oh, boy, Joan, I'm gonna have to let you go.

Wait.

You think I was the one who knocked over that vase?

How dare you, madam.

Oh, now Klunt's acting up.

Don't have kids, Joan.

It's a big mistake.

Merry Christmas.

(BEEPS)

(ALL GASP)

Merry Christmas, everybo...

Hey, what happened?

Peter, I...

I think we've been robbed.

(GASPS)

I can't believe it.

They stole the presents, they stole the decorations.

They even stole our tree.

I want my presents.

Okay, let's just settle down.

Everybody kneel in the backyard in front of Daddy's big pre-dug hole.

You know, Peter, this never would've happened if you hadn't gotten rid of that Ring doorbell camera.

Ugh, someone crapped on the porch again.

I'm checking the footage.

Whoever it was probably had no choice, is my guess.

Their family was probably using all the bathrooms.

That's probably what happened, whoever did that.

ANNOUNCER (OVER TV): We now return to Tony Bennett's Half-Asleep Christmas Spectacular.

♪ A-jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle bells... ♪

(SNORES)

PRODUCER: Tony!

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la... ♪

- (SNORES)

- ANNOUNCER: Coming up on Tony Bennett's Half-Asleep Christmas Spectacular, a duet with Willie Nelson.

♪ ♪

(BOTH SNORING)

PRODUCER: Guys!

- ♪ O, come ♪

- ♪ Just hear those ♪

- ♪ Let us adore him ♪

- ♪ Sleigh bells ringing ♪

♪ And jing-jing-jingling, too... ♪

I'm back from Mexico, and definitely not

- Cost Plus World Market.

- Welcome back, Lois.

I cleaned and got groceries.

But I'm afraid we have bad news: we've been robbed.

Robbed?

On Christmas?

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

I-I go away for one Christmas, and everything goes down the drain.

All of you must feel so terrible.

Well, we did, until we realized there was one present

- we still had.

- There is?

- Yeah, Mom.

Yours.

- (GASPS)

Remember how you said you wanted a gift from the heart this year?

Well, we all got you something.

We kept it upstairs because we didn't think you'd be here for Christmas.

Oh, well, that's nice.

We really made a point to stay on top of the dishes while you were gone.

Here you go, Mom.

It's from all of us.

Read the card first.

We put Brian's name on it, but he's just the dog.

"Dear Mom, we're sorry "we disappointed you this Christmas.

"We know you put a lot of hard work "into making Christmas memorable.

"We love and appreciate everything you do.

"We'll never let you down again.

That you can count on." Wow.

That's that's really nice.

- There's more on the back.

- Oh.

"You see, having a mom is not something "we take for granted, because you only get one.

"And the one we have is perfect in every way.

We love you." (GASPS)

It's beautiful, you guys.

Now use this black light to read what we wrote in invisible ink while This Is Us' "sad stuff's about to happen" acoustic guitar plays.

♪ ♪

"Mom, from the very start, "you've always been there for us.

"And we know you've always supported us "and would never do anything to let us down or hurt us.

"Thanks for making every Christmas so memorable.

We love you so much, Mom."

Oh, God, I'm gonna cry.

And look up in the sky.

Aw, we should've read that one first.

Now open your present.

(CHUCKLES)

Wow.

W-What is it?

It's a bowl we all made for you in a pottery class.

A denim-shirted lesbian named CJ helped us.

It's...

(GRUNTS)

It's beautiful.

NARRATOR: And what happened next?

Well, in Quahog they say, Lois's heart grew three sizes that day.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

Never seen anything like it.

Very dangerous.

She's lucky to be alive.

♪ ♪

- Thank God you're okay.

- We love you, Mom.

Best Christmas ever.

NARRATOR: The medical emergency distractd the family from her crimes.

She never did confess.

Instead, the Griffins' Muslim neighbor was arrested for the break-in.

Lois said nothing and the man was deported back to Turkey.

DRIVER: See?

What I tell you?

Always Turkey.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Well, it's good to have you back, Lois.

(LAUGHS): If I kept having to wash dishes and buy groceries,

- I was gonna go crazy.

- Okay.

So, Mom, who are these cousins you were in Mexico with?

Oh, you know, just my cousins.

- Which ones?

- Yeah, Mom.

Prove it by telling us cousin names that don't sound like you made them up in a panic.

(RASPBERRY)

Of course I can do that.

My good, close cousins Bloofus and Klunt.

(CHUCKLES)

In fact, I think I hear them upstairs right now.

(RAPID FOOTSTEPS)

Bloofus?

Klunt?

- (THUDDING, CLATTERING)

- Oh, no, Bloofus, not Meg's diorama project, which is due tomorrow.

- (THUDDING, CRASHING)

- Oh, no, Klunt, that was Stewie's aquarium with the fish you have to feed so damn much and they basically always die anyway.

Frickin' Klunt, man.

LOIS: Bloofus, put down Peter's pills that came in a discreet box.

Got to go.

(RAPID FOOTSTEPS)

- PETER: Bloofus.

- (TOILET FLUSHES)

Bloofus!