04x19 - Till Death Do We Volley

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Thanks, honey.

Girls, you will never guess who I just got off the phone with.

Trudy McMann, your best friend from high school.

She's coming to Miami for your high-school reunion.

Sophia, that's incredible.

You must have ESP.

No.

I have a phone extension in my bedroom.

Ma, how many times do I have to tell you not to listen in on my conversations?

About twice a year.

Like your phone is ringing off the hook.

Like you got such a full social calendar.

You're the only person who ever got a refund on call waiting.

All right, Ma, all right.

Dorothy, high-school reunions can be so much fun.

I will never forget mine.

I was the most successful person there.

Blanche, didn't you go to school with that brilliant doctor who won the Nobel Prize?

Oh, yes, but she let her looks go to hell.

You do sound excited, Dorothy.

Well, I am, I am.

But mostly it's about seeing Trudy again.

A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMann.

(Sophia chuckles)

What, Ma?

Oh, nothing.

My underwear just hiked up on me.

Right while you were lying.

Ly - Why do you say I'm lying?

"A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMann"?

Somebody here doesn't remember prom night, 1946.

Why?

What happened?

I don't know.

I'm that somebody.

No, I think what Ma is referring to...

(chuckles)

is a little practical joke that Trudy played on me.

All of us on the tennis team decided that we would wear our tennis whites to the prom.

Well, I showed up, and I was the only one.

Oh, no!

Your date must have been horrified.

No.

Her brother was a really good sport about it.

No, Trudy and I played a lot of practical jokes on each other.

It was all part of a happy, healthy rivalry.

Oh, I was the butt of all kinds of jokes growing up.

Actually, it ran in the family.

In our breakfast room, we had one whole wall covered with "kick me" signs we had collected.

Oh, there was a story attached to each one of them.

And in some cases, the original Scotch tape.

So when's Trudy coming?

Uh...

week after next.

Which reminds me, I have to rush.

(Blanche)

Where to?

Tennis lessons.

I figure, if she's gonna be here, we ought to have a nice, quiet game.

Oh, that's sweet.

And a lot of crap.

I'm gonna mop the court with her.

Oh, my.

Looks like our Dorothy still holds a grudge.

'Course she holds a grudge.

We Sicilians are good at that.

That, and holding a grudge.

Sophia, you said "holding a grudge" twice.

Hey, if you're good at something, you brag about it.

I am so excited.

I can't believe I'm going to see Trudy again after all these years.

I'm excited for you, too, Dorothy.

That's why I want everything perfect.

I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat - cheese and crackers.

Cheese and crackers, Rose?

Not eggs gafloofen?

Ham and gunterhoggins?

Pigs in a svenkabluden?

No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, my God.

That's her.

I sure hope time has been good to Trudy.

Good, not great.

Oh, Trudy.

Dorothy.

Oh...

(both laugh)

It's been so long.

Boy, you look...

It's been so long.

I know, and you - you look exactly the way you did at our high-school graduation.

'Course, rumors were that you were three months' pregnant.

I want you to meet my husband Jack.

You didn't tell me you had such a handsome husband.

Didn't tell you he was rich, either.

That's my Trudy.

You haven't lost your sense of humor.

Or those pesky ten pounds.

Mrs. Petrillo, is that you?

No, it's Jane Fonda.

Come on.

Give us a hug.

Aw, Trudy, it's so good to see you again.

Honey, meet my roommates - Rose and Blanche.

It's a pleasure.

Dorothy's told us so much about you.

All good, I hope.

Well, actually...

Sit!

Well, finally I get to meet the infamous Dorothy.

Boy, has Trudy told me stories about you two.

I'll bet she has.

We had such a great time back in high school.

Like the time you and Trudy ran against each other for class treasurer?

You know, back in St.

Olaf, I ran for president of the Bull Castration Club.

There is no sound in this world sweeter than a bull's moo as it climbs an octave.

Did you win?

No.

Lost by a hair.

I admired you after that loss, Dorothy.

You just picked up the pieces and went on.

Just like you did after Stanley ran off with that stewardess.

Boy, I envy you your gumption.

And I your breast implants.

This may not be my place, but you two hardly sound like old friends.

Blanche is right.

We should be more positive.

Dorothy, you look wonderful.

Ah.

The left one turned out nice.

Dorothy!

Oh, come on, Rose.

I'm just kidding.

They're both practically the same size.

How about giving me a hand in the kitchen?

Were they like that in high school, Mrs.

Petrillo?

Oh, no.

Her breasts were actually a lot smaller back then.

I meant, were they rivals?

What is this - Nova?

I don't have all the answers.

I'm afraid you'll have to excuse Sophia, Jack.

Oh.

You heard that?

I thought I was safe backed up against these pillows.

Why don't we see what's keeping Trudy and Dorothy?

Probably got caught up reminiscing.

You know how it is when old pals get together.

Excuse us.

Well, that's that.

How does it feel to have your butt whipped?

Well, sometimes I find it strangely titillating, but...

Oh!

You were talking to her.

Trudy, how about if tomorrow we play a real game?

Something that requires real skill.

You mean like midget ice bowling?

I'm talking about tennis, you doofus.

Aren't you afraid of being humiliated on the tennis court?

Me humiliated?

I think you forget, Trudy, we have to wear tennis dresses.

You're on, you pathetic middle-aged cow.

I am looking forward to it, you miserable sack of cellulite.

Did I tell you that Larry Prowse called the other day?

Really?

Did he ever get married?

Three times.

Actually four, if you count Victor.

Can you believe it?

Two women competing like that, and there's not even a man at stake.

In Sicily, women compete for everything.

The most famous example is the Great String-Cheese w*r of '47.

But why should I bore you with that?

You all have college credits.

You took history.

Sophia, have you been out in the hot sun too long?

It's a possibility.

Is there wax running out of my ears?

Boy, Trudy is b*ating the dickens out of Dorothy.

Oh...

I just have to...

catch my breath.

Are we gonna play, or do you wanna forfeit?

No way.

No, Dorothy Zbornak doesn't know the meaning of the word "forfeit." And she's a teacher, too.

No wonder the Japanese are ahead of us.

I'm gonna k*ll you, Trudy.

Oh, do you really think she can make a comeback?

I'm sure she can.

Dorothy's running Trudy all over the court.

Oh, Trudy tripped.

And she's not getting up.

You think something's wrong?

I think she's fainted.

I hope it's not anything worse.

It is.

I've seen that look before.

You don't think...?

There are two things in this world a Sicilian knows.

When pasta sticks to a wall, it's done.

When a body sticks to cement, it's dead.

Why did it have to happen this way?

I feel like a m*rder*r!

I will not hear any more of that nonsense.

It was a freak occurrence on a tennis court.

She's right, Dorothy.

You did nothing wrong.

Technically.

I mean, nothing that would hold up in a court of law.

But why Trudy?

She was the most energetic, alive person I ever knew.

At the Center, Dorothy, we teach acceptance.

In life, some things are inevitable, and you just have to accept them.

She is right, Dorothy.

I know because I've been there myself.

You k*lled your best friend, too, Blanche?

Sorry, Dorothy.

I remember I was a blossoming belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia Pageant.

Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo cr*cker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.

Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but...

we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.

I'm sorry, Blanche.

Go on with the story.

Just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish." Fine.

Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground.

We became fast friends, just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stake of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee...

On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta.

Finish the damn story, Blanche!

Anyway, it was at our Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks.

My mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbad me ever to see her again.

Why?

Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy.

Oh!

How my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standing there while our servants snickered at her servants.

But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand-new riding boots for Christmas.

So I did.

Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?

Because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy.

That was something I had to accept.

Mama accepted it, too.

Along with a brand-new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday.

You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically, they were trash.

Don't worry, Dorothy.

The reunion'll get your mind off of it.

People should be coming in a couple of hours.

The party.

The party!

I totally forgot!

There is no way I can face those people.

Honey, of course you can.

You were all friends of Trudy's.

You can console each other.

It'll help you to cope.

Maybe this is just what I need.

Aw, yeah.

Good for you, Dorothy.

(sighs)

Of course, breaking the news will not be easy.

Want my advice?

Wait a couple of hours before you do.

Stuff like this can put a real damper on happy hour.

And listen, Rose, remember, mum's the word.

Dorothy will break the bad news in due time.

OK?

Excuse me.

Has anyone seen Dorothy?

She said hello and then disappeared.

Is there a problem?

No!

No problem at all.

Everything's fine.

It's not like anyone d*ed or anything.

(mouths)

It's so good to see everyone.

But where's Trudy?

She hasn't seen me in years.

I can't wait to see the look on her face.

You could wait six months, it wouldn't change.

It's been almost two hours.

We can't keep up this charade.

Somebody has got to get Dorothy to come out and break the news.

But she's so fragile now.

We have to be tender and compassionate, kindly and sympathetic and caring and understanding...

Stop babbling, you yutz.

I'll do it, I'll do it.

Picture it - Sicily, 1852.

Ma, I am in no mood.

And besides, you weren't alive in 1852.

What?

We can't learn from history?

It was mid-century and a disillusioned Italy looked to the house of Savoy for leadership.

Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous leader, and not a bad dresser, thought, "Let's regain some national pride and jump into this Crimean w*r thing." Of course, there was a big kickoff party at Giuseppe's beach house, and everyone came.

Coincidentally, this was also the night his wife Rosa hit her sexual peak.

Ma, I am in here because of guilt.

This is not a story about guilt.

This is a story about being a bad hostess.

While Rosa had Giuseppe in the bedroom with his saber around his ankles, 200 hungry guests were strip-searching mice for a piece of cheese.

Ma, so what's your point?

That Rosa and I throw bad parties?

That's my minor point.

My major point is that, like Rosa, you're screwing around in the bedroom when there are important things to do outside.

I can't believe it.

That makes sense.

I mean, you went the long way around but...

that actually makes sense.

Look, pussycat, your friends deserve to know about Trudy.

And they'll understand, because they are your friends.

Oh, Ma.

Ma, thanks.

Well... here goes.

Everybody...

Everybody, can I have your attention, please?

Uh...

I know I've been a bit scarce tonight, but there is a reason.

Something tragic happened this morning.

Oh, Ma, I need your help.

Sure, sweetheart.

Trudy's dead.

Please, everybody.

It happened this morning when we were playing tennis.

Trudy's heart just couldn't take it.

I'm so sorry that I dragged her out on the court and made her run back and forth so hard.

I wish it had been me instead of her, because it's all my fault.

We might as well take down that banner and put up one that says, "Welcome to the Dorothy k*lled Trudy Party"!

(doorbell rings)

Oh, darn.

Someone's late.

Dorothy'll have to give her speech all over again.

Hi, everybody!

(gasps)

Trudy?

I don't believe this.

Is that you?

In the flesh.

Yeah, but I can't believe you're really here!

I don't understand!

How did you...?

It was all staged, Rose.

A patented Trudy McMann practical joke.

(concerned murmurs)

Well, I don't find that one bit funny.

It was cruel, Trudy.

Come on!

It was just a practical joke like we did in high school.

Some of the things we did in high school are not necessarily appropriate when we're adults.

Like staying up all night and carousing around, dating every other man you meet.

I'm losing credibility here, aren't I?

Trudy, you did a very cruel thing.

(murmurs of agreement)

OK.

OK.

If I went too far, I'm sorry.

Maybe you ought to apologize to Dorothy.

She's back in her bedroom.

Uh, Dorothy?

Are you all right?

Go away.

Dorothy, honey, it's Rose.

We need to talk.

I said go away.

Leave it to me.

In a few minutes, I'll have her beaming from ear to ear.

(gasps)

(all gasp)

Oh, my God!

Trudy!

Dorothy!

Jack!

How come you're alive?

How come you're in bed with my husband?

I asked you first.

Honey, it's not what it looks like.

Obviously.

Dorothy thought I was dead, tried to comfort you, and the two of you got carried away.

OK, it is what it looks like.

I can't believe this.

I was just playing a prank.

Do you have any idea how I feel?

What kind of person jumps into bed with her dearest friend's husband?

Not necessarily a bad person.

Sometimes circumstances...

Oh.

You were talking about her.

I think I'm gonna faint.

Gotcha!

Dorothy, what the hell is going on here?

Revenge!

It suddenly occurred to me - what if this was the ultimate practical joke?

So I dragged it out of Jack, and the two of us cooked up this topper.

Jack, I can't believe you went along with this.

So I got in bed with Dorothy.

It was a joke!

Don't even think it, Ma.

If you knew before, why didn't you tell me?

Ma, you have a big mouth.

Me?

If I had a big mouth, do you think your one-night stand with the bug man would still be a secret?

Oops.

Dorothy Zbornak, this is the most underhanded, sneaky practical joke anyone has ever made, and I have just one thing to say.

Boy, have I missed you!

Oh, Trudy...

Trudy!

I've missed you, too.

Wait just a minute.

You two are not mad?

Are you kidding?

Our friendship was built on years of this.

Trudy, you have made this one hell of a reunion.

Speaking of which, there's a party out there.

Come on!

Well, Dorothy Zbornak, I cannot believe you put Rose and me through this.

Yeah!

What are you talking about?

You knew Trudy was playing a practical joke all along, and you never shared it with your best friends?

We thought you were devastated.

We suffered right along with you.

Yeah!

That was insensitive.

Insensitive!

Selfish.

Selfish!

As far as we are concerned, Dorothy Zbornak, you have gone too far this time.

No.

This is unforgivable.

We are never gonna speak to you again.

Right!

Gotcha.

Very, very convincing, Blanche.

I can't take all the credit.

I did have some help.

Right, Rose?

Rose?

Rose?