07x17 - Questions and Answers

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Everybody, listen to this.

Alex Trebek and the Jeopardy people are auditioning contestants in Miami!

They're coming here!

Jeopardy!

Oh, it's my favorite show!

(EXCLAIMS)

Yes, pussycat, Jeopardy is your favorite show.

I watch it every night.

We know.

We missed the entire Gulf w*r.

I like to play along.

Sometimes I win.

Yes.

Yes, you do, pussycat.

You win a lot.

You've got a wonderful life.

I'm gonna do it, Ma.

This is my sh*t.

They're taking applications beginning Monday morning.

I am going to be the first in line.

Make that second.

What are you talking about, Blanche?

You've never cared about Jeopardy.

No, but I do care for Alex Trebek.

You see, I've never had a Canadian who wasn't on skates.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

I have this recurring fantasy.

"Take me, Alex.

Take me, now," I tell him.

And he says to me, "Ah, ah, ah, Blanche.

"In the form of a question." Wow, what a tough day.

I really need somebody to talk to.

Got to go.

Rose, honey, come over here and sit down a minute.

Now, Dorothy and I have both been noticing how down you've been lately, and we're very concerned.

Oh, it's my work at the hospital.

I know, I'm the one who volunteered, but it's not easy having to spend that much time with people who are old and sick and frail.

Oh, that reminds me.

I got Mah Jongg tomorrow.

Well, anyway, we wanted to pick up your spirits, Rose.

So, close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Oh, very funny, Blanche.

Just give me the gift.

Rose.

Rose, open your eyes.

Oh, my God, it's a dog!

Oh, you gave me a dog!

We picked him out down at the shelter.

Ohh.

His name is Jake.

Oh, he's adorable!

Oh, I love you already.

In fact, I haven't felt this way about a dog since...

Since Rusty.

Oh, God, not the Rusty story again.

Charlie brought him home as a present after our first child was born.

Oh, I wish we had a doggie door so I could push your head through it.

Oh, he was the best.

Trustworthy, loyal, smart as a whip.

Oh, I really thought Rusty was gonna be with our family forever.

Dorothy, do we have any candles?

I'd like to drip some hot wax in my ears.

Then one horrible, horrible night, our house caught on fire, and it was Rusty who awakened everybody.

It was Rusty who pulled us all to safety.

He even dashed back in the burning building to rescue Scruffy, our cat.

ALL: Whom he never really liked.

Yes, sir, he was a real hero.

Oh, if only he hadn't gone back in for the TV.

He was a dachshund, for God's sake.

I mean, what made him think he could carry a TV?

You know how pig-headed the Germans are.

Oh, Jake.

You're never gonna leave my side.

In fact, I'll get you a job with me at the hospital.

Oh, they have a program where...

Where animals come and visit the elderly patients and cheer them up.

Hey!

That slipper is from the Mamie Van Doren collection!

Will you look at that?

Man's best friend chasing man's best friend.

Mr. Hubbard?

Mrs. Hubbard?

Hello, Rose.

I see you brought along the hospital chef.

Oh, Jake, don't be pushy.

Oh, what a cute little guy this is.

How about that?

I haven't seen Grace show so much spirit since she came here.

Well, that's Jake's job, to cheer up the patients.

Well, looks like it's working.

Grace loves animals.

Always has.

Oh, everybody does, Mr. Hubbard.

That's why ancient man, when he discovered the need for pets, turned to the animal kingdom.

I see.

What a good boy.

Yes, you are.

Oh, he reminds me of my old dog, Rusty.

Rose, please, Grace isn't feeling well.

Can we skip the Rusty story today?

Okay, everybody, please take a seat.

There's not much to explain.

The questions we've selected will test your general knowledge.

It's not an easy exam.

History tells us that only 10% of you will score high enough to be asked back.

Wow, 10%.

Only one out of five.

All right, everybody set?

Oh, excuse me, but where is Mr. Trebek?

Lady, I've worked here 11 years and I haven't met him.

Okay, if there's nothing else, let's begin.

(HUMMING JEOPARDY THEME SONG)

Dorothy?

Where are the Ural Mountains?

Well, well, well, Blanche.

A pot of lip gloss and a tube of Maybelline can't help you now, can they, Blanche?

Who needs you anyway?

Hey.

I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

It's been two days.

Why haven't those Jeopardy people called?

Dorothy, I'm surprised at this reaction.

God knows you've had your share of experience sittin' by a phone that doesn't ring.

Girls, you wouldn't believe the progress Mrs. Hubbard is making.

Oh, is she feeling better?

Oh, it's like a miracle!

She's laughing and talking, and all because of Jake.

Oh, girls, I cannot thank you enough.

That dog is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Here comes our hero now.

And he has my slipper again.

I do not believe this.

I had this thing hidden in the closet behind three suitcases.

Isn't this dog amazing?

He can find anything.

Anything?

A viable Democrat for President.

Go!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Yes, this is she.

Oh, my God, it's them.

It's Jeopardy.

I did?

Oh, this is wonderful.

Wonderful.

What?

Yes, yes, she's my...

She's my roommate.

Oh, that is fabulous news, too.

Oh, sure, sure, I'll be happy to tell her.

Blanche, you flunked.

Dorothy, don't tell me you have been at those books all night.

Well, that...

That's just downright unhealthy.

Please.

I am exhausted, but I have to keep going.

If I get through the trial run, I'm on the show.

Besides, in college, we used to pull all-nighters all the time.

Oh, that sounds so hard.

Thank God I was pretty.

Dorothy, I'm sorry, I won't be able to quiz you.

Jake and I are due at the Hubbards'.

But I have a book here that should help you prepare for your Jeopardy tryout.

The St.

Olaf High School yearbook?

No.

Thanks anyway, Rose, I don't think I'll be needing it.

Well, okay, Miss Know-It-All.

But if Alex Trebek asks you what years Ulf Horvald was on the student council back-to-back, don't come crying to me.

1946 and '47.

I intend to win this.

Dorothy, get some sleep.

You're being too intense here.

Don't you remember that spelling bee in second grade?

You b*at all the kids so bad they wouldn't invite you to any birthday parties.

Ma, that had nothing to do with the spelling bee.

The kids were just jealous of me.

Jealous.

J-E-A...

All right, all right.

Besides, Ma, all that studying paid off.

Oh, yeah, paid off.

You got knocked up in high school.

Ma, I am 60 years old.

Why do you have to bring this up every day of my life?

So it won't happen again.

Potsdam Conference, July, 1945.

Present were Truman, Stalin, Trebek...

JOHNNY: And now, from Miami, Florida, this is Jeopardy.

Let's bring out today's contestants.

First we have a substitute high school teacher, Dorothy Zbornak.

Next, cruise ship purser, Charlie Dietz.

Welcome aboard.

And for all you babes who didn't think I had a mind, I cry, too.

JOHNNY: Wow, you are sensitive.

And finally, our four-time defending champion with $92,000, attempting today to set an all-time Jeopardy earnings record, television associate producer Rose Nylund.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Four-time champion?

How?

This woman is an idiot.

JOHNNY: Oh, really?

She didn't get knocked up in high school.

And now, the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek.

Thank you, Johnny Gilbert.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Hi, everyone, and welcome to another of our special programs coming to you from Florida.

You have just met our three contestants.

They are all very eager to get underway.

The categories are: Cows, Babes, Chickens, More Babes, Chicken Babes, and finally, Baby Chickens.

Rose, you're the returning champion, and that means you make the first selection.

Off you go.

Well, Alex, as you know, I was raised in a rural community.

I'm proud to take Cows for $300.

TREBEK: The answer is, "A young cow that has not yet born a calf." Rose.

What is a heifer?

You're right.

Still your board.

Select again.

Cows for $400.

TREBEK: Answer this time, "Loretta Young played an innocent milkmaid "in this Oscar-winning 1947 film." TREBEK: Charlie.

What is The Farmer's Daughter?

TREBEK: You are right.

I thought it was a different kind of movie.

Which brings us to Babes for $100.

Babes, it is.

The answer, "Old Yeller, The China Syndrome, "Truth or Dare." Charlie.

What are Miss July's all-time favorite films?

You are right once again.

And I believe that she has taken up windsurfing since her magazine appearance.

JOHNNY: That's correct, Alex.

Thank you, Johnny.

Charlie?

Hey, I'm on a roll.

Give me More Babes for $500.

Wait a minute.

This is ridiculous.

This isn't Jeopardy.

It's a dream, Dorothy, go along with it.

Anything can happen in a dream.

So let's move on to Double Jeopardy.

(COMPUTERIZED BEEPING)

And the categories for this more difficult round of play are, Structural Engineering, Photometry, Roman Law, Systems of Nonuniform Motion, Electromagnetic Phenomena, and finally, Gum.

Rose, once again you get to select first.

(STAMMERS)

Gum for $200.

TREBEK: The answer is, "Latin term for a colloidal carbohydrate "found in certain trees and plants." Rose?

What is Juicy Fruit?

(CONTESTANT RINGING)

No, I'm sorry.

That is incorrect.

Charlie, you rang in.

Oh, I didn't mean to buzz.

I was just scratching myself.

That's going to be a very costly itch.

Dorothy, would you like to try this one?

What is cummi?

You are absolutely right.

Where would you like to go?

Alex, Structural Engineering for...

I'm gonna go for it, $1,000.

In fact, give me every category for $1,000.

Now that's what I call real jeopardy.

Dorothy, proceed.

Uh, what is the Varrazano-Narrows?

What is a foot-candle?

What is the Theodosian Code?

What is the speed of light?

Uh, what is the point of any of this, Alex?

I am humiliating these two.

Rose, Charlie, I'm afraid Dorothy is absolutely right about that, too.

So why don't we go on to Final Jeopardy?

And today, our Final Jeopardy category is this, U.S. History.

My major in college!

TREBEK: All right, players.

Make your wagers.

Today's Final Jeopardy answer is, "American hero buried in Grant's Tomb." (JEOPARDY THEME SONG PLAYING)

All right, contestants, time's up.

Charlie, we're going to begin with you.

Let's take a look at what you put down.

What is that?

I didn't know the answer, so I drew a little man.

Is it this guy?

No, I'm afraid it's not.

Let's go to Rose.

Her response to "American hero buried in Grant's tomb" was?

"Who is Cary Grant?" Well, this should come as no surprise to anyone, but our champion is right again.

Right?

How much did you wa...

Well, you didn't wager anything.

Played it very close to the vest, Rose.

Very slick indeed.

Dorothy?

(STAMMERS)

Wait a min...

Wait a minute!

Cary is not the Grant buried in Grant's Tomb.

Ulysses S.

is.

Ulysses S.

was a Grant, and he may have wound up in a tomb, but he is not the correct response.

Sorry.

But I bet everything.

I demand a ruling.

Well, you happen to be in luck.

Because waiting in the wings right now is the only man in America who knows more than I do about this subject.

The creator of our show, Merv Griffin.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Alex.

Dorothy, this is my show and I say the correct answer is Cary Grant.

Just like you see in that fine portrait there.

Mr. Griffin, please, you are the most beloved man in America.

You are bright, you are...

You are charming.

You are the anti-Tr*mp.

Excuse me, Dorothy, but Mr. Griffin really hates it when people kiss up to him.

Isn't that right, Your Excellency?

Absolutely right.

And just for that, no parting gifts.

All right!

But I won.

I won.

I won.

I won.

I won.

Oh, I won.

I won.

I won.

I won.

I won.

She must be having the sh*t-put dream again.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Welcome wagon, come and get it!

Hello, Rose.

Oh, Mr. Hubbard, I didn't expect...

Grace took a turn for the worse, and, well, she's out of pain now.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

We're gonna miss her.

Aren't we, Jake?

We're gonna miss her, aren't we, boy?

Mr. Hubbard.

I know it's a lot to ask at a time like this, but I've been finding it a bit much, you know, worrying about water bowls and morning walks and all.

I wonder, would there be any chance you'd consider Jake's coming to live with you?

Well, if he's too much trouble.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

I mean, you'd be doing me a favor.

Thank you, Mr. Hubbard.

Rose, thank you.

Listen, you be a good boy.

Don't chase.

Always remember, cats are people, too.

I'm gonna miss you, Jake.

Okay, players, prepare to play the final simulated game of the day.

Our contestants.

Professor Reginald Bradley of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

Dr. Julie Steever, chief of neurosurgery, Victory Memorial Hospital.

And Dorothy Zbornak, a substitute teacher.

All right.

Our first category is English History.

"Shared command with Cromwell in victory at Naseby." Who is Baron Fairfax?

That is correct.

(EXCLAIMING)

Ooh, that was a snap.

I thought this was gonna be a challenge, but, you know, then again, I've always been a student of history.

Ah, maybe history has never been your subject...

Ms. Zbornak?

Can we continue?

I'm afraid this is the point where Alex would politely tell you to shut up.

He would, and he should.

I mean, after all, he is the moderator.

And the function, if not to...

Shut up.

Sorry.

Continuing with English History, fifth wife of Henry VIII.

Who was Catherine Howard?

Correct.

I knew that.

I knew...

The first one, I admit, was a bit of a fluke, but that one I knew.

Okay, switching categories to the Book of Genesis.

Hey, Doc, I bet you wish you hadn't wasted all that time on Darwin now, eh?

"Along with Torah, another name for the first five books "of the Old Testament." What is Pentecost?

I'm sorry.

What is Pentateuch?

Correct.

Pentecost, please.

Somebody stop the bleeding.

Pussycat, leave a few scraps for the other two nudniks.

You never know when I might need a good neurosurgeon.

Ma, these people are not nudniks.

They are brilliant, accomplished scientists, and I'm wiping the floor with them.

Thank you, players.

I've seen all I need to.

Ms. Zbornak, that was an impressive body of knowledge.

It was, wasn't it?

Listen, I hope there are no hard feelings.

Watch me if you're at home.

MAN: Well, that concludes our run-through.

We'll be giving some of you directions to the studio.

Those of you who do not receive a flyer, thank you for playing the game and better luck next time.

(LAUGHING)

Uh...

Listen, I don't want anybody to lose his job over this, but I didn't get a flyer.

I realize that.

But I was good.

I was brilliant.

"An impressive body of knowledge," you said so yourself.

How could I not be on?

All right, if you really wanna know, Ms. Zbornak, I'll tell you.

On Jeopardy, we don't have any celebrity stars as contestants.

Everyday citizens, those are our stars.

Those are the people that our viewers care about, identify with, root for.

We don't believe anyone would root for you.

Thank you very much for coming.

(CRYING)

He said America wouldn't root for me.

Sweetheart, he's wrong.

How could America not root for you?

You're what this country's all about.

The daughter of immigrants who became the first member of her family to go to college.

You made something of yourself.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

Until you got knocked up in a backseat by a nobody.

People didn't want you at their birthday parties, and they don't want you in their living rooms.

I thought this was supposed to make me feel better.

We did that.

Now we're up to the part where I feel better.

Come on, let's go home.

Life Saver?

Ah, go to hell, Ma.

Hi, I'm Rose Nylund, your Sunshine volunteer.

I have magazines and newspapers.

Oh, newspapers.

Every time I see one, I think of my old dog, Jake.

Course, every time I think of him, it reminds me of my first dog, Rusty.

Oh, he was the best.

I mean, he was so good.

He was smart and trustworthy.

Where are you going?