04x23 - Rites of Spring

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Hi, Ma.

What are you eating?

Ziti.

Ma, it's nine o'clock in the morning.

You're eating a bowl of pasta?

No, I'm eating a bowl of Nabisco Zitios.

Of course I'm eating pasta.

I need to gain weight.

I'm wasting away, Dorothy.

What do you mean?

I got weighed this morning.

I couldn't believe what I saw.

98lbs.

What do you usually weigh?

99.

Ma, you lost one pound.

Thank you, René Descartes.

I'm looking for advice, not arithmetic.

Ma, you cannot get upset over one pound.

Maybe you can't.

I can.

For 50 years my weight hasn't changed by an ounce, and as far as I'm concerned, until I'm back to 99, I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.

Morning, Dorothy.

Morning, Sophia.

Who?

Dorothy, do you realize it's only two weeks till Phyllis's Memorial Day beach party?

There's only two weeks till we have to get back into bathing suits again.

Well, I just slipped into last year's bikini and I think I look pretty good, but you give me your honest advice.

Can I still pull it off?

Right now I'd be surprised if you could cut if off.

Are you implying that I might have gained weight?

There's only one way to find out.

Here's the scale.

Oh, fine.

(gasps) Whoa!

Sophia, were you looking?

Uh, no, not till you stepped off.

But I know it's not a good sign when the first rebound goes into the low 120s.

Blanche, honey, don't worry.

All you need is a little spring tune-up.

And I suppose you don't?

No, not really.

Prove it.

Put your money where your mouth is.

If there isn't already a sweet roll there.

All right, all right, but, now, nobody look.

I always thought you had to pass zero to hit that number.

Obviously the scale is broken.

I'm not surprised after that kind of punishment.

Rose, you think you're so tiny, why don't you get weighed?

Oh, I don't need to.

I never gain weight.

Show us, Rose.

Well, OK, but I can promise you I weigh exactly the same as I did on my wedding day.

(all) Moo!

Obviously we all need to lose a few pounds.

We might as well start right now.

It's still two weeks until Phyllis's party.

Oh, but how?

We could try another health club.

Oh, no way, Rose.

I'm sure you haven't forgotten what happened that time we tried that.

Remember the outfits we ended up with?

Oh, Lord have mercy.

This seems like a nice club.

But it's for women only.

What's wrong with the nice coed gym we just saw?

Come on now, Blanche, that was nothing but a pickup scene.

People running around in skimpy outfits, collecting phone numbers.

That's not true.

I was not in a skimpy outfit and I got all these.

Hello.

My name is Yvonne.

Have you been here before?

See?

You go to a woman's gym, you get hit on by a woman.

I work here.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to imply anything.

She just thought you were a lesbian.

Yvonne, we want to join a gym.

What kind of exercise are you interested in?

Nothing radical, just to lose a few pounds Tone up.

Slim down.

Get into my summer wardrobe.

Get into my winter wardrobe.

Get into my bathrobe.

Yvonne, we are desperate women.

You've got to help us.

I know just what you need.

Aerobics.

It's what I do.

But, Yvonne, you're much younger than they are.

I know you'll love aerobics.

It stretches every muscle in your body.

Honey, I've been stretching this body for years.

Blanche, sticking your feet out of the sunroof of a Chrysler New Yorker doesn't count.

We have a beginners' class starting in 15 minutes.

With some hard work, your body can look as good as mine.

All right.

We better get you some outfits.

Oh, it's OK.

We brought our sweats.

Sweats?

Look, ladies, if you're serious about training, you want to get off on the right foot, starting with good workout shoes.

Now, these are beautiful, and a bargain at $85.

$85?

That's a bit exorbitant.

And expensive too.

We do have cheaper brands, but anyone who's serious wouldn't even go near them.

Then we'll take those.

Fine.

You'll also need aerobic suits, warmup outfits, wristbands, headbands, leg warmers.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Leg warmers?

You need to keep your thighs warm.

What are you using now?

Friction.

That's why we're here.

Ladies, I'm sorry.

When you told me you were serious, I took you literally.

Just forget this stuff.

Wear your sweats.

Oh, no, Yvonne.

We want all that stuff.

We do.

We really do.

Well, I don't.

I'm gonna stick with my sweat suit and my PF Flyers.

I'll see you girls in the locker room.

Yvonne, she's not serious.

Never has been, never will be.

OK, then you'll need new gym bags, water bottles, vitamin packs, and most importantly, a sports training bra to minimize jiggle and bounce.

Yvonne, honey, I think you're missing the whole point of having breasts.

We'll take them.

Great.

Nice outfits, girls.

Shut up, Rose.

I'm Yvonne and this is it!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo.

OK, everybody, let's warm up.

Whoo!

Whoo!

And stretch.

Legs wider.

Oh, ow.

That hurts.

I'm not having any trouble.

Why is it that doesn't surprise me?

OK, everybody on their feet.

(lively music starts) Whirlybirds.

Whirlybirds.

Jackhammer.

Jackhammer.

Windshield wipers.

Windshield wipers.

Charley horse.

Charley horse.

She has a cramp, you pea brain.

All that money and we only went twice.

Can you believe it?

What are you cooking now, Ma?

A Petrillo family delicacy.

Double-fudge, amaretto, ricotta cheesecake.

What's in it?

This cake is guaranteed to make me gain back that pound.

Ma, all this eating you're doing is ridiculous.

Now, I am sure you are already back up to 99lbs.

We'll see.

Wrong again, Kreskin.

Still 98.

98lbs.

I can't remember the last time I weighed 98.

Probably college.

Where'd you go to college, Blanche?

The University of Jupiter?

Girls, we still have one big problem to solve.

How are we gonna make ourselves look good for the party?

How else, Rose?

By dieting.

It's gonna take a little patience and a little determination, but mostly it's gonna take willpower.

We are facing some long, painful, hunger pang filled nights.

Who wants to lick the spoon?

I do.

Maybe we could just change our hairdos.

Now, we cannot do that, Dorothy.

I'm still trying to recover from the last time.

Remember, about the same time of year - two years ago, was it?

That little dinky place.

Gee, Ma, I don't know if this was such a good idea.

I think you're right.

Maybe I should've done my own hair.

I've been doing it for years.

That's why it looks like something you buy on a stick at halftime.

Sophia, we're just a little bit nervous.

This is a very important event.

We want to look perfect.

Please!

The man works with scissors, not a sandblaster.

Ma, this is all a mistake.

We don't belong here.

This is one of those Miami Beach shops for little old ladies.

Come on, let's get out of her All right, ladies.

Whose hair do I wash next?

Mine.

I'm first.

I'm the dirtiest.

Oh, God, you are gorgeous.

Yes, I know.

I am Eduardo.

Eduardo, tonight is important to us.

We want to look our best.

Don't worry, ladies.

After Eduardo does a woman's hair, the years melt away.

She's transformed into a breathtaking, sensuous, vivacious goddess of beauty.

I tried to get all that on the sign, but they charge by the letter.

We should begin by your telling me what you would like.

Here.

I have a picture.

This is not you.

You are a vixen.

For you, I see a saucier cut.

An Audrey Hepburn look.

Simple, elegant, and something to accent these delicate features.

Can you really do all that?

My dear, in many respects, styling hair is like making love.

To do it well, one must have trust, respect and a chair you can pump up and down.

I am your clay.

Mold me.

Not so fast, Eduardo.

What are you going to do with me?

You have good bones.

Yes, this is a strong, noble face, full of wisdom and sincerity.

You could be a Greek goddess.

Go on, Eduardo.

I said go on, Eduardo.

Give him a break.

He barely got it out once with a straight face.

What about me?

Could I be a goddess too?

No, no.

You are an earth mother.

Sweet, compassionate, but bubbling with sensuality just below the surface.

Oh, that's a relief.

All this time I thought it was gas.

Ladies, it's time.

Time to walk through the looking glass.

Time to take that last glimpse of your former selves.

Time to take that giant step into the world of Eduardoism.

You've been drinking again, haven't you?

Right.

The magic begins.

Oh, I'm feeling younger and sexier already.

Dorothy, how do I look?

Like something that came out of the air duct of the starship Enterprise.

What?

What?

Ladies, it's time.

Time for the unveiling of another Eduardo masterpiece.

Sit back, feast your eyes, and meet the woman you always dreamt you could be.

Eduardo, you've done it again.

And again.

And again.

Sophia, I still cannot believe you talked us into that.

Please.

You three looked gorgeous.

We didn't even look like ourselves.

What's your point?

Ma, you are not helping matters.

We are trying to think of a way we can make ourselves look better for that party.

OK, let me think.

It's too bad we're not back home.

There's no place like Sicily.

Why do you say that, Sophia?

Because in Sicily I could solve this with one phone call.

To whom?

Nicodemo the Ugly.

Whenever you wanted to look gorgeous at a party, you hired him to be your date.

You mean women paid him to stand next to them at parties and look disgusting?

Please.

They paid through the nose.

That's also how he usually gave them their change.

Girls, maybe we don't even need to worry about our bodies.

At the counseling center, we teach people that changing their dispositions can sometimes be just as effective in making a good impression.

Rose, if you're thinking of one of those personality-enhancing exercises, you're forgetting we tried that already once too.

And I'll never try that again.

Remember?

Three years ago.

It seems like yesterday.

Damn!

What's the matter, Pussycat?

I can't balance my checkbook.

Oh, to hell with it.

I'm only off by a few pennies.

A few pennies.

To you it may not be much, but in Sicily a few pennies could make the difference between owning a g*n and having to insert b*ll*ts into your victim manually.

OK, Ma, I'll try it again, but believe me, (doorbell) there's nothing in this world I hate more.

I spoke too soon.

Hi, babe.

It's me, Stan.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

It's me, the new Stan.

What are you talking about?

Don't you notice a difference?

Can't you see the glow?

Can't you see the light radiating off me?

Sure.

It's the porch light glaring off your head.

I thought I heard a man's voi...

Oh, it's you, Stan.

I'm so happy you're all here.

I have just had an incredible experience that I wanted to share with my dearest friends.

So what are you doing here?

I just finished a seminar with an encounter group called Realizations.

Realizations.

Let me guess.

It's a group that promises to remove all emotional blocks, self-denial and lifelong hang-ups in two days.

Miss Know-It-All, for your information it takes three days.

So what did it do for you?

I've learned a hell of a lot about what makes Stanley run.

Why I'm so reluctant to make commitments, why I can't keep friends, why all my business ventures seem to fail.

I finally have an answer.

Because you're a schmuck?

Did you take this seminar?

Stan, I think we've heard enough.

Look, I've gone through a life-changing experience.

I feel like I'm free to love anybody.

Oh, please.

You said the same thing after you had your vasectomy.

That's OK.

In Realizations, I learnt that people usually hurt each other unintentionally, therefore they deserve a second chance.

I hate you.

Nothing can bother me.

Not now.

I'm in a fellowship that accepts me, cares for me and loves me.

They'll always be there for me, and I'd like to enroll all of you in that fellowship.

No.

But you've got to.

Why?

Because if I don't meet my quota for enrolling new people in this loving, accepting, caring fellowship, they're gonna kick me out on the street and never speak to me again.

Please.

At least hear me out.

All right, Stanley.

We'll listen to what you have to say.

Beautiful.

How about we all go someplace and get comfortable, get some coffee, have something to eat?

I'll go change.

Why?

We're only going into the kitchen.

Boy, I hope you have some cheesecake.

Stan, that's it.

I've had it with your freeloading.

Get out.

Dorothy, you have so much hostility, so much aggression, so much mistrust.

This problem goes deeper than I thought.

I'm gonna need a steak with that cheesecake.

Get out!

Dorothy...

Out!

I'll just leave you the brochure.

Can you believe that man?

He actually thought he was gonna help us.

Well, he did have one good idea.

What was that?

Cheesecake.

You know, Dorothy, to this day I cannot understand what you saw in that man.

Picture a man 20lbs lighter, long, wavy hair, rippling muscles.

I can't believe Stan looked like that.

He didn't.

Do you think if I ever met a man who looked like that, I would've married Stan?

Maybe we shouldn't be so tough on the guy.

This brochure actually looks interesting, once you get past the picture of the guy in the turban waving from the front seat of the Rolls-Royce.

Sophia, those things are just silly.

"The unexamined life is a life not worth living." That's very deep.

And if you're into this, very reasonable.

It's 17.95 for that slogan printed on a turban-shaped night-light.

Oh, that is so typical.

All those swamis are just out for a buck.

They can't teach you anything that anyone with any common sense doesn't already know.

I didn't know that.

A visual aid.

Oh, really, Ramdas?

If it's all so easy, let's hear you answer this question.

"Describe your best friend." Dorothy, that's a really good question.

Oh, yes, and I'd love to hear the answer.

Well, my best friend is a woman, someone I have a great deal in common with.

Is she pretty?

Yes, she's attractive.

Attractive as in wholesome?

Or attractive as in drop-dead stunningly gorgeous?

Attractive as in attractive.

All right.

What else?

She's someone I share my innermost secrets with in strictest confidence.

You mean like the time you told me you borrowed Blanche's car, dented it, and said the bag boy at the grocery store did it?

That's not a secret.

I just forgot to mention it.

I think she means more like the time she told me that she went skinny-dipping with your cousin Lars before he gave up the pulpit back in St.

Gustave.

That's a better example of a secret.

Oh, then you have been talking about me.

I'm your best friend.

She's been talking about me, Blanche.

I haven't been talking about either one of you.

What?

I've been talking about both of you.

I mean, how could I chose between you two?

You're both my best friends.

Dorothy, how sweet.

Oh, that just gives me a warm, tingly feeling all over.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go slip under the covers and enjoy it.

OK, Dorothy, she's gone.

You can tell me the truth.

You were talking about me, weren't you?

That's OK.

It'll be our own little secret.

That, and the dent in Blanche's car.

Got you.

You are such a liar.

What?

Neither of them is your best friend.

Admit it.

I'm your best friend.

You're right.

I was talking about you, Ma.

You are my best friend.

Just like I'm your best friend.

Best friend?

Please.

You aren't even my favorite child.

When you were 13, there were neighbor children I liked better.

Best friend.

How about picking up a tab once in a while, pal of mine?

Or letting me open my own social security check?

Best friend!

Yeah, right.

That little exercise certainly did not enhance things around here.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

After Ma blabbed the truth, you turned the silent treatment into an art form.

(bell) Oh, there's my cake.

Oh, Ma.

Now, you cannot eat cake after that big bowl of pasta.

It's not healthy.

Sophia, I just thought of something.

You're worried about losing a pound.

Have you ever thought you may not be the same height you always were?

You know, Ma, Blanche could be right.

This could be exactly why you're losing weight.

Come with me.

Remember the first week you were here, we put a mark on the back wall to measure how tall we were?

You said they did that at the home to show how your height was declining.

Oh, Blanche is right.

You are a little bit shorter.

You don't have to worry about losing weight.

And you don't have to eat that cake.

Why do I get the feeling you three are most happy about the last part?

Oh, you mean us have some cake?

Honey, we can't do that.

We're dieting.

Sure smells good though.

Looks even better.

Bet you it tastes even better than that.

You three are dieting.

I'm throwing it away.

Don't!

Oh, girls, we can't do this.

Now, remember the party.

It's two weeks from Saturday.

No, it isn't.

This year Phyllis moved it to Sunday.

Then we have an extra day.

We can worry about our bodies tomorrow.

I'll get the plates.

I'll get the forks.

I'll get the hot fudge.

I'll get the butter.

We may have to grease the doorway to get the three of you out of here.