07x01 - Hey, Look Me Over

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

What do you think, Blanche?

Am I through with my cycle?

Well, I'd say menopause is a pretty good guess.

You're about as puffy as the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I was talking about my Exercycle.

It's so hard to know what to leave here and what to put in storage.

What are you doing, Rose?

Oh, I was just going through the change.

Well, that explains the puffiness.

All right, that's it.

I'm sick of this.

I am not puffy.

And there's no similarity between me and the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Understand?

None!

I'll start loading the car.

Don't take any of that.

That's the pile I'm keeping here.

All of this?

Well, I can't part with those things.

They're all so special to me.

What's so special about this?

Oh, look, my bullhorn!

Oh, this is the only thing I have left from my one day as a Mountain Rangerette.

Hey, you, get out of the pass.

This is avalanche country.

What about this?

You still want this old camera?

Where did you find that?

That was Charlie's camera.

And it still has film in it.

Oh, I bet these are the pictures from Charlie's last birthday.

I took most of our savings, and I...

I bought him a couple of acres of the most beautiful land in Minnesota.

Oh, girls, you should've seen the look on his face when it was delivered.

I'll tell you what.

I'll drop the film off when I pick up our tickets to the Philharmonic today.

Philharmonic?

Yep.

Beethoven's Sonata No.

29, one week from tonight, just you and me under the stars.

Ma, aren't you excited?

I'm lactating.

Ma.

I forgot this.

I don't want to go.

Don't make me go, please.

Ma, you always loved it when we did things together.

Why the sudden change?

Don't look at me.

Rose is the one going through the change.

Well, that would explain the puffiness.

I need some coffee.

Oh, I'd love a cup, Sophia.

Oh, me, too.

Oh, sure, make the oldest one in the tribe serve the young.

And after you have your fill, I'll go to the mountaintop and let the wolves eat me.

You know, I'm worried about Ma.

Why?

What do you mean?

Well, I picked up this pamphlet on the four warning signs of hearing loss.

I think Ma may be having a problem.

Sophia?

Warning sign number one, avoidance of social activities.

Number two, people who can't hear act forgetful.

Ma forgot about these tickets.

Oh, that was just an excuse.

Sophia's not really getting forgetful.

Hot coffee!

Coming through!

Number three, they act cranky.

Ah, the hell with you.

Get your own coffee.

Number four, they usually laugh out of context.

What are you laughing at?

I'm sorry.

I thought you said, "My dog has no nose.

"Well, how does he smell?

Awful." "Awful." Nothing, huh?

Well, I laughed when I thought you said it.

Hi, Ma.

How are you?

Are you happy today?

Oh, my God, we're being bugged.

Who is it?

Immigration?

Ma, what are you talking about?

Uh, happy?

I'm...

I'm happy, all right, happy to be a citizen of the United States of America.

Ma, you are a citizen.

That's right, Dorothy.

As far as we know, I am a citizen, a citizen of the US of A, home of presidents like, um, Ford, Lincoln...

Help me out here, Dorothy.

Bush, Ma.

Oh, and Reagan.

Ma, I'm sorry to interrupt this flag-waving, psychotic tribute to our country, but I think you need a hearing aid.

Oh, please, I have the hearing of a springer spaniel.

Look, Ma, I am concerned.

You're my mother.

Can't you just check it out, please?

What are you laughing at?

I'm sorry.

I thought you said, "I'm Mothra, giant radioactive insect." I didn't, Ma.

Too bad.

It was a good impression.

Ma.

Come on, Dorothy, I'm kidding.

I read that flyer you brought home.

Every time you get a pamphlet, I get that disease.

And not just diseases.

I thought for a while I was a Jew for Jesus.

Hi, Sophia.

Shalom.

Dorothy, I picked up Charlie's pictures.

Oh, these must be from his last trip to Florida.

He went there every spring to discuss sales.

Ah, look, here he is at Gator World.

And here he is, touring the Miami suburbs.

And here he is in Blanche's bed.

And here he is...

Wait, wait.

Blanche?

Blanche Devereaux?

Yeah, right here in her bed.

Oh, no!

No, don't tell me he met Blanche and slept with her.

Oh, now, wait.

I'm sure he didn't sleep with Blanche.

Well, how about this picture?

Well, I mean, just because a man is in Blanche's bed doesn't mean...

So a guy makes one mistake.

I mean, there has to be an explanation.

Honey, why don't we ask Blanche?

Oh, I can't talk to Blanche.

When I'm upset, everything comes out wrong.

Face it, Dorothy, I don't have your quick wit, your conversation skills, your...

Your way with...

With...

Words?

Words.

Thank you.

I'd probably end up calling her a slut.

Oh, come on.

Honey, "slut" is a little harsh.

I mean, Blanche isn't that bad.

Oh, my God, I can barely walk.

Although "slut" does have a documentary feel to it.

You...

You harlot!

Oh, Rose, I'm sore because I was using your Exercycle.

I'm talking about this picture.

Oh, my God, where did you find this?

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

My hair, it looks like a helmet.

Blanche!

It's all bunched up and pointy.

Honey, you gotta burn this.

I look like the Rocketeer.

Blanche, forget about your hair.

That is Rose's husband with you.

Who, Charlie?

No, I never met Charlie.

You not only met him.

You slept with him, just like you sleep with everybody.

I most certainly do not.

Oh, come on, Blanche.

You've landed on your back more than...

More than...

The American Gladiators.

You just watch your mouth, Rose.

I may be a social person, but I am certainly discerning.

Discerning?

Blanche, you've been under more drunken sailors than...

Than...

Oh, now, Rose, don't drag me into this.

A nautical toilet.

Well, that does it, Rose.

Now you've just gone too far.

I don't know how he got into my room, but I can promise you, I do not go to bed with men who wear wedding bands.

What if he took it off?

Then I'd see the tan line.

What if he was from Minnesota and had no tan?

Ew!

"Ew"?

So he's not good enough for you?

Listen, my Charlie was 6' 2" and broad shouldered and apparently had about as much taste in women as...

As...

Other men with flawed choicing skills.

Hi, Ma.

Aha!

What, "Aha"?

You didn't hear that.

Actually, I was just trying to be polite, but since you brought it up, excuse you.

Ma, you didn't hear that.

Now, face it, you can't hear high frequencies.

Why can't you be honest about what's happening to you?

Why do you insist on becoming feeble?

Feeble?

Now, you listen, Dorothy.

I may not have your gift for word jumbles or your ability to float or your way of making small children weep...

But?

Or your butt.

Thank you.

But there's one thing I do have.

Oh, what's that, Ma?

Two thousand shares of Xerox, which I bought at...

My health.

I've got my health.

Listen, Ma, I made an appointment for you for 2:00 this afternoon.

Either you go and get your hearing checked, or I will make life miserable for you.

Oh, come on.

You said the exact same things to me before you took me to Shady...

I'll go pretty up.

Rose?

Rose.

Don't talk to me.

Don't try to cheer me up.

Just leave me alone.

I am angry, and I'm gonna stay angry!

Stop it!

Dorothy, it just doesn't make sense.

Why was Charlie with that tramp if he didn't sleep with her?

Now, come on.

Blanche might be a little loose, but she's not a tramp.

Okay, here they are.

The names of all the men I have dated since my husband d*ed.

What do you know?

The tramp keeps records.

Dorothy, most of the men in these pages just fantasized about going to bed with me.

Oh, what do the gold stars mean?

I had a good time.

What do the silver stars mean?

I ran out of gold stars.

Wait a minute.

If you didn't sleep with any of the men in these journals, then how come it says "Bed" on the cover?

Oh, that doesn't say "Bed." Right there, it does.

Oh, silly, those are my initials.

Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.

Your initials spell "Bed"?

Okay, let's see.

You said eight years ago, spring?

That starts right here.

I'm gonna prove to you I am not a sexually indiscriminate person.

Or her name isn't "Bed." Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

It says right there you slept with a traveling salesman.

Ah, in fairness, it says that on her license plates.

Oh, my God.

There.

"Chuck." A traveling salesman named Chuck.

Well, that must be him.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Rose, I'm so sorry.

I did.

It's right there in the diary.

I must have...

I must have slept with your husband, Charlie.

Oh.

Oh, so what's the news?

How'd the hearing test come out?

Tell her what the doctor said.

Tell her what the doctor...

Ma's fine, okay?

And?

I need a hearing aid, all right?

I took the test just to show her there was nothing to it, and it turns out I have a slight hearing loss.

And get this.

It's inherited, and it skips a generation.

Skips a generation!

Yahoo!

Oh, come on.

That is not true.

You're just gonna gloat about this, aren't you?

This is nothing but a big victory for you.

Look, I am not gonna get a hearing aid, and that's all there is to it.

But, Dorothy, you're the one who's been talkin' about aging with dignity.

Not for me.

For her.

I mean, look at her.

The woman is hundreds of years old.

She should be carbon-dated.

But, Dorothy, if the doctor said...

Look, I really don't want to hear this, okay?

Good news, you can't.

Oh, Rose.

Rose, what are you doing?

Oh, she can't face me.

She's been doin' this all day.

Rose, you know I said I'm sorry.

Can't you put yourself in my position?

Apparently I'm not limber enough.

That was good.

Blanche, I know what happened between you and Charlie happened before you ever knew me, and I know I shouldn't be so angry, but I am and I just can't help it.

Oh, come on.

Take it easy, Rose.

How can I?

What do you think this makes me feel like?

What?

She said, "What do you think this makes me feel like?" Ma!

It's out of the park.

Game over.

I'm going to Disneyland.

How come she gets to go to Disneyland?

Rose, Dorothy needs a hearing aid, but she won't get one because she's afraid she'll feel old.

I don't get it.

When did I become my parents' age?

Gosh, you know, I remember being 20 years old and... and worrying that if I didn't spend the holidays at home, I might never see them again.

Everything changes so suddenly.

You know what's young to me now?

Forty.

Suddenly, 40 is young.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Every day it's something else.

The hair gets gray.

The eyes get weak.

And you shrink.

It's scary.

I mean, you measure your height against your arm span, and when they stop being equal, you're actually getting smaller.

Hey!

Anyway, Dorothy, these new hearing aids just fit right in the ear canal.

Nobody can even see 'em, so what does it matter?

It matters because it's a step I don't want to take.

Look, I don't mind being divorced or having to struggle to pay my bills or having to eat my weight in supplements every morning, but I will not do this.

I will not become an old person.

Ooh, rain's coming.

Rose, it's the middle of September.

What are you doing?

Oh, it's a banner Charlie made.

I thought it'd be nice to have some good memories of him around me.

He put it up every year.

Oh, he was one of a kind, all right.

Loved Christmas.

Loved Christmas.

That is unique.

Of course, that was before he met Blanche.

Pretty, affectionate, fun-loving Blanche.

Say, where is old Happy-pants?

She and Ma went to the Philharmonic.

I thought you were going to that.

Why bother?

It's not like I'd be able to enjoy it.

True.

On the other hand, Beethoven was also deaf, so you'd be hearing the music the way he wrote it.

Look at us.

You haven't been out of the house in a week, and I've lost one of my best friends.

Oh, come on, Rose.

You haven't lost one of your best friends.

Sure I have.

It's too painful to talk to Blanche, so I figure she can be my landlord, but we'll stop being friends.

Oh, now, Rose, that's not what you really want.

Honey, you're sacrificing something very important to you over a mistake that was made years ago.

Honey, you know what you should do?

Sit down, write down everything that you like about Blanche.

Honey, if you care for someone, it's important to remember why they're in your life.

I guess you're right.

I guess I was pretty hard on her.

I can't believe I made that cr*ck about the nautical toilet.

You lost your head.

Oh, I'm having a vision.

A religious vision.

Oh, God, it's so beautiful!

Sophia, please, our Savior wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

Well, I guess I ought to go talk to Rose.

Where is she?

In the kitchen.

Oh.

Is she still upset?

Uh-huh.

You know, I just don't understand it.

How could I not remember Charlie?

Have I finally turned that corner?

Have I finally become so jaded that I can no longer put the name with the face?

Oh, listen to me.

He was probably just lousy in bed.

You missed a sensational concert tonight.

I'm glad I didn't go tonight.

Who needs the crowds, the hassle?

You're sounding old, pussycat.

It's not a hearing aid that makes you old.

It's what you're becoming by not getting one.

Think of what you're missing, all the things I hear.

The birds singing, the wind in the trees, the sound of the ticker tape telling you Xerox has gone up to...

My health.

Did I mention I've got my health?

Rose...

Don't say anything.

I've given this a lot of thought.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Rose...

No, shh.

You listen.

Charlie was the most important man in my life, but as much as I cared about him, I can't help but care about you, too.

You're like a sister to me, and I can't throw that away, so I forgive you for being a moralless, emotionally needy, man-leech with an air bag in her headboard.

And I'm sorry I said you were insensitive.

Apology accepted.

Okay, Dorothy, hand me those pictures.

I think it's time we rip them up.

Wait a minute.

Rose, have you seen the rest of these pictures?

I'd rather not.

Honey, I think there's some mistake.

Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat.

Here's Blanche in bed with the big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree.

Honey, do you know what this means?

I sure do.

My God, you're an animal!

Rose, these are double exposures.

Double exposures?

Yes, obviously Blanche took pictures with the camera over film that was already in it.

Well, how strange!

And what a great alibi for the future.

But wait a minute.

What were you doing taking pictures of yourself in bed?

You've seen her Christmas cards.

Well, I've got two tickets here for the final night of the Philharmonic, and one of them has your name on it.

Here you go, Opus.

I thought you two went last night.

I traded those for these.

Actually, last night we went to see Dying Young.

Terrific.

I laughed till I peed.

And then I laughed at that.

So you mean you just pretended to go to the concert so I'd realize what I've been missing, how stupid I've been?

Now will you go in and get a hearing aid?

You're too late, Ma.

I already did.

I'm wearing one now.

You got it?

Why, that's wonderful.

Terrific, honey.

And the great thing is, you can't even see it.

Oh, you're beautiful.

I told you, to me, you've always had the elegance of a young Lauren Bacall.

Oh, thank you, Ma.

A young Bacall.

Amazing.

Sixty years old and she still falls for that "young Bacall" bit.

I heard that.