07x15 - Goodbye, Mr. Gordon

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

You wanna talk to who?

Dorothy?

Sorry, you must've dialed the wrong number.

Blanche, what do you mean, wrong number?

Oh, it was a man, so I just assumed...

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

I don't believe it!

Well...

Oh, that's great.

Why don't you come here?

We'll have lunch.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, fine.

Fine, I'll see you then.

Bye-bye.

Well?

Well, what?

Oh, now, Dorothy, fess up.

I know that was a man.

I can always tell when a man calls 'cause you start sweatin' and get a bad case of the giggles.

I do not.

(GIGGLING)

All right, talk.

It's no big deal.

That was my 11th grade English teacher from back in Brooklyn, Mr.

Gordon.

He's moved to Miami, and he wants to get together tomorrow for lunch.

End of story.

(GIGGLING)

Ah, Mr. Gordon.

Dorothy had a huge embarrassing crush on him.

She was his sl*ve.

She graded his papers, did his laundry.

Once, she even rotated his tires.

Boy, that stroke didn't make you forget a thing, did it, Ma?

A crush on the teacher.

Ah, I had those.

Course, I had to hide them because they made the principal jealous.

Actually, though, once, I did have a fling with the calculus teacher.

Oh, and did you get an A?

(SCOFFS)

More like a full scholarship to MIT.

My Dorothy didn't date teachers in high school.

She dated losers like Stan who knocked her up and ruined her life forever.

It would be like a day without orange juice, wouldn't it, Ma?

Girls, guess what?

They gave me another job at the television station.

The old associate producer quit, so now I am the new associate producer of the Wake-Up!

Miami show.

They even gave me a nameplate for my desk.

"Harold Goldstein, Associate Producer." Isn't it exciting?

Oh, congratulations, Harold.

That's great.

We've already had our first meeting.

I suggested we do a show about women who live together, and they jumped on it.

Well, Rose, that's a great idea.

We already have two women lined up.

We just have to find two more.

Why, my God, Rose, open your eyes!

This is exactly the kind of exposure I've been lookin' for.

Please, enough of your exposure.

We've already lost three gardeners.

No, wait, Dorothy, this is a wonderful idea.

I mean, you and Blanche live together.

Why don't you do the show?

Oh, I would love to.

You know, I wouldn't mind doing it.

I mean, there are some very important issues I'd like to discuss.

What the hell.

I'll do it, too.

Oh, sorry, Sophia.

There's only room for two more guests on the panel.

That's not fair.

Why should I be left out?

If I don't do it, Dorothy won't do it.

So, when do you want me there?

Hi, girls.

Oh, Dorothy, don't you look nice.

Well, thank you, Rose.

Mr. Gordon is coming over for lunch today.

We're having it out on the lanai.

So that's why you're acting like it's the first day of school.

Mr. Gordon is coming over.

(IMITATING KISSING)

Mother, just stop that.

Mr. Gordon is probably over 70 by now.

He's practically ancient.

Seventy is ancient?

If I met a man that age who looked halfway decent, I'd be on my back before you could say, "I've fallen and I can't get up." That's great, Ma.

That's really beautiful.

But there's nothing like that between me and Mr. Gordon.

If you don't believe me, why don't you join us for lunch?

Join you for lunch?

Let me check my social calendar.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, okay, I'm free.

Ma, that calendar's from 1984.

Oh, yeah, this is the day I escaped from Shady Pines.

It says right here, "I'm free!

I'm free!" (CHUCKLING)

Oh, Mr. Gordon.

Dorothy, you look wonderful.

(GIRLISHLY)

Oh, thank you, Mr. Gordon.

Hey, no more of that Mr. Gordon stuff.

It's Malcolm.

Absolutely, Mr. Malcolm.

(GIGGLING)

Come, meet my roommates.

Uh, Blanche, Rose, my mother Sophia, Malcolm Gordon.

Yeah, of course.

Mrs. Petrillo.

We met before.

You were having a problem with my son, Phil.

Oh, right.

The problem with the dress code.

I still don't understand the problem.

He was wearing a dress.

My goodness, you're as cute as Dorothy said you'd be.

That never happens.

(MALCOLM CHUCKLING)

Well, a lot of my ex-students were surprised that I wasn't older, but, uh, they failed to realize I started teaching right out of college.

I really wasn't much older than they were.

Well, I...

I guess when you're 17, 23 can seem rather dangerous and forbidden.

When you're 17, a cow can seem dangerous and forbidden.

Am I alone here?

Well, uh, why don't we go out to the lanai?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Wait a minute.

Didn't you forget something?

Oh, yes, of course.

Goodbye, Mother.

What?

What, goodbye?

You invited me to lunch.

Rain check, rain check.

I think that is a lovely idea, Mrs. Petrillo.

Don't worry, Dorothy.

I'll be on my best behavior.

I won't say or do anything to embarrass you.

Oh, wait.

Goofy pictures of Dorothy when she was a kid.

Might as well have a couple of laughs over lunch.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, here's a picture of Dorothy's ninth birthday party.

Look how scared the clown looks.

You know, I can't believe you actually got a clown for my birthday.

I can still see his big red nose and those huge black circles around his eyes.

Oh, he wasn't a real clown.

He was a friend of your father's.

He'd been beaten up the night before.

We gave him a couple of bucks.

I guess that's why he kept saying, "Now, remember, kids, nobody likes a squealer." Here are some pictures of Dorothy at 11, a hilariously awkward age for her.

(CHUCKLING)

Ma, enough with the pictures.

Why don't you get us some coffee?

'Cause it gives me the trots.

Oh, I get it.

Company.

Company.

Pardon me.

She's charming.

Oh, you're very kind.

I'm sorry she bored you with all these old pictures.

Nonsense, I enjoyed it.

Oh.

Look.

Look, your graduation picture.

You were such a lovely girl.

(GIGGLING)

Oh, I never felt that way.

I always felt awkward and clumsy, except in your class.

You made me feel intelligent and beautiful and special.

I never forgot that.

And I have never forgotten you.

(GIGGLING)

So, how do you like being retired?

Actually, I intend to work.

I just got my first assignment to write an article for the book review section.

I'm a little nervous.

It's due next week.

Oh, well, now you know how we used to feel when you would assign us a book report.

I remember that crazy excuse you used when you didn't hand your paper in.

What was it?

Oh, that you'd married that kid, Stan, what's his name?

Gee, I don't remember.

I'm having a little trouble getting started.

I can't seem to get my thoughts organized.

Well, uh, maybe you'd like a little help.

Really?

I certainly could use a little.

Well, I'd be happy to.

Well, that is great.

We'll start tomorrow.

Oh.

No, I'm doing a TV show tomorrow morning.

A TV show?

Well, I'm impressed.

Well, no, it's just a little old local show, but they're anxious to get my views on women's issues.

Hey, why don't you come to the studio, and we can start right after?

Perfect.

Just perfect.

(CHUCKLING)

Dorothy, to us.

More goofy pictures!

(CHUCKLING)

Here's Dorothy in her wedding gown.

Look how scared the groom looks.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, come on, Blanche.

You're on in one minute.

You sit over there, and... and, Dorothy, you get touched up, and, Sophia, come on, I'll see if I can find you a seat in the audience.

Hurry up, honey.

Here.

Dorothy?

Well, you look lovely.

Oh.

For your television debut.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Dorothy?

Good luck.

Come on, Dorothy.

We're starting.

He kissed me.

He gave me flowers.

Dorothy, come on, it's almost time.

Over here, honey.

Please.

All right, you sit over there.

Down there, that's it.

What's wrong with her?

Malcolm kissed her.

My God, she's in shock.

He gave me flowers from a store.

Ladies, good morning.

We go on in about 10 seconds.

Oh!

Just relax and have a fun show, okay?

(WAKE-UP!

MIAMI THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Good morning and welcome to Wake-Up!

Miami.

Today, women who live together.

Does society make it tougher?

We'll find out when we talk to four lesbians today on Wake-Up!

Miami.

Rose, could I see you for moment?

You're mad, aren't you?

Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show.

This live show.

This live show about lesbian lovers of Miami.

Every man you know is watching?

Hey, we could b*at The Price Is Right.

Rose, we can't k*ll you here because there are cameras.

Now, how did this happen?

Oh, I don't know.

They just said they wanted two women who loved each other and slept together.

We do not sleep together!

Yes, you did.

Last month, when...

When Blanche was having her room repainted because the plaster behind her headboard all fell out.

We're back in 30 seconds, ladies.

Listen, I'm not gonna do this.

Blanche, if you leave, they'll fire me.

Good.

My mother is here.

My teacher is here.

Good.

If I lose my job, I won't be able to do anything but sit home and tell St.

Olaf stories.

Blackmail.

Oh, very smart.

Hey, they don't call me Harold Goldstein for nothing.

Maybe if we don't say anything, we're not on camera that much.

I mean, we can't let Rose lose her job.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

We're back.

Let's meet our panelists.

Dorothy, a lesbian.

Blanche, another lesbian.

And Pat and Kathy, image consultants.

How come they're not lesbians?

We don't believe in labels.

Oh, I see we have a question from the audience.

Yes, sir.

Are there male/female roles in the relationship?

Well, I am the little homemaker, if that's what you mean.

Now, wait a minute.

Just...

(INAUDIBLE)

And I take out the garbage.

Fascinating, huh?

Any other questions?

Ah, here we go.

This is directed to Dorothy's lover.

Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?

Well, most people don't know.

Really?

I would've guessed right off.

Next question to Dorothy.

What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?

I really don't know, but I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at the home.

No more questions.

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

Oh.

Not one phone call all day.

That's not true, Blanche.

The phone's been ringing off the hook.

Not one phone call from a man all day, Rose.

By the way, Dorothy, if I were a lesbian, I sure would be a popular one.

Look at this, 20 calls.

(CHUCKLING)

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the..." Oh, what am I doin'?

Listen to me.

Rose, I could just strangle you.

So you're still miffed?

Well, I don't mind bein' labeled a lesbian, honey, but since I'm not, you just ruined my social life.

Oh, go ahead.

Blanche, I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die.

I said I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die.

And it was worth repeating.

Dorothy, I just got off the phone with my girlfriend Gladys.

She thinks you can do better than Blanche.

I agree, but, Ma, if it's all right with you, I have a lot of work to do here.

I can't believe you're still working on that article.

I thought you were just gonna help organize it.

I can't believe you're doing this again.

You're letting him take advantage of you like he did in high school.

He is under a lot of pressure, and I don't want him to kiss his deadline.

Miss.

Miss his deadline.

Ooh, Mr. Gordon.

(IMITATING KISSING)

Oh, all right.

I admit it.

I do have a little crush, but his kiss just took me by surprise.

You know, at first, I didn't think he was going to do it.

He looked more like he was going to wink, but then he slanted his head just slightly to the left.

Oh, I know that slant.

You know every slant.

So why don't you let my daughter finish her one kissing story of the year?

Thank you, Ma.

My pleasure, meal ticket.

It was at that point that I realized his head was coming toward me.

Were his eyes open or closed?

Open.

(BOTH SQUEALING)

And then he landed.

I thought, "Oh, Mr. Gordon!

"Oh, if only Cynthia Costello was here to see this." (GASPING)

Kinky.

I don't wanna hear any more of this.

I don't like you being taken advantage of by some guy from out of town.

At least, when Blanche does it, it's good for tourism.

Then you're really not mad at me anymore?

Rose, I'm a reasonable person.

I forgive you.

Does that mean you'll turn my heat back on?

I was really chilly last night.

Okay, Rose.

Blanche, what made you decide to forgive Rose?

Because I'm reasonable and kind and considerate, and I'm back in the game.

I have a date tonight with a young man I met in the produce department at the market.

I showed him how to thump a melon.

There's a euphemism we haven't heard before.

I realized something.

Just because every man in my life thinks I'm a lesbian doesn't mean there aren't thousands and hundreds and millions of men out there who don't.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

That must be my melon man.

Zorro rides again.

Chuck!

Thumper!

Not exactly a Disney movie, is it?

Oh, Chuck, this is my roommate Rose, and this is my roommate Dorothy and her mama, Sophia.

Oh, yes, I recognize them from TV.

You...

You saw the show?

Yes, I did.

Blanche, it was one of the things that attracted me to you.

Oh, well, you don't understand.

No, I do understand, Blanche.

I understand that you're this way because you've probably never been with a real man.

Dorothy, do I wet myself or laugh?

All you need is to be loved by someone who knows how.

Someone who will take his time and then show you passion beyond your wildest dreams.

Dorothy, it's over between us.

Blanche!

Dorothy, now don't try to stop me.

Don't you see I have to try this?

Oh, all right, Blanche.

I...

I understand.

You're a good sport.

You just take care of her.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Malcolm.

Dorothy, I hope you don't mind me dropping by, but, well, I got an advance copy of the book review, and I thought you'd like to see our article in print.

Are you kidding?

Oh, let me read it.

"'Nineteenth Century Writers Living in the Twentieth Century' "by Malcolm Gordon." I see you used my title.

Oh, yes.

Read on, read on.

Dorothy, is something wrong?

Well, this is exactly the same article that I gave you.

Well, it didn't need a lot of work.

I...

I didn't have to add much.

I notice you didn't add my name to it.

Well, no, no, not this time, but...

but next time.

What makes you think there'll be a next time?

Well, Dorothy, I did rewrite your article, but, well, they asked for a lot of changes in just a few short hours.

So, I...

I submitted your pages and...

Well, I was just too embarrassed to tell them that it was your work, but it won't happen again, I promise.

No, it won't.

Goodbye, Mr. Gordon.

(CHUCKLING)

Malcolm.

Sorry.

So am I.

What's wrong, Dorothy?

Ma, you were right again.

He was just using me.

Sit down, pussycat.

I wanna tell you something.

You give too much, and when you do that, you're gonna get hurt.

I know.

Oh, but I was so disappointed.

For 40 years, I've had this fantasy that Mr. Gordon would come swooping into my life like Sir Lancelot.

Now I don't even have that.

You can keep the fantasy alive.

It's part of life.

You know what I call my pillow?

Sal.

Sometimes I hug it.

Sometimes it lays there like a big lump, just like your father.

That's how I keep him alive.

That's lovely, Ma.

You know what I call my other pillow?

Dino.

But that's another story.

I'll tell you about it when you're, oh, about 70.

I'll be here.

So will I, pussycat.

So will I.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Yes?

Hi, I...

I don't know if you remember me.

My name is Pat.

I was on Wake-Up!

Miami with you last week.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

What can I do for you?

I heard about you and Blanche.

I'm sorry.

It's too soon.

Too soon.