[Clock Ticking]
(CHUCKLES)
I would like to say that I was wrong.
And...
I'm very, very sorry.
About what?
What do you got? Oh, good grief.
What? Mom! (CHUCKLES)
It was a blanket apology. I think that's generous.
Plus, it's retroactive. So, enjoy.
A blanket apology. Claudia, is that even allowed?
Everything is allowed here.
Feel free to apologize, scream, cry, complain, argue.
Anything short of physical confrontation.
There goes my next thing.
Did I not tell you?
And now you've brought the room to a crashing halt.
Like it was a Penn and Teller show before this?
Oh, that mouth.
Mom, you were the one complaining that I wasn't saying anything.
Without my mouth, how do I speak?
To quote Alanis Morissette, "Isn't it ironic?"
Do you have any idea what that means?
Claudia, let the record show I broke the silence here today, okay?
She wasn't saying anything either.
Write that down in your scorebook.
I am not keeping score here.
But the apology was completely insincere.
Put that in your scorebook, too.
She should not get points for that.
I'm not keeping score.
It's insulting to apologize if you aren't apologizing for something specific, okay?
Okay, sorry. I'm sorry. (SIGHS)
Sorry. How do I get out of this?
Lorelai, listen to me.
We are here today so that Claudia can meet you and see the two of us together. That's it.
Stop pressing.
(SOFTLY) Okay.
(SIGHS)
How much time do we have left?
About 40 minutes.
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
LORELAI: Psst.
(WHISPERS) How much time do we have... Stop asking that!
Why, did I bring the deafening silence to a crashing halt again?
Just bring a watch next time, or an egg timer.
Whatever, just stop bothering her.
Can I, uh, jump in here?
Please. - You're not prisoners.
Neither one of you. And there are no rules.
So talk or don't talk.
Because there's a lot being said in the silences.
Wait, what do you think is being said?
Yeah, is that what you're writing down in your book?
Do we get to see those notes? Who's winning?
No one's winning, and my book is confidential.
If you're trying to read Claudia's watch, I'm gonna throw you out that window.
Well, ladies, I'm afraid time's up. Yes!
I don't believe it. (SIGHS) What?
You ran out the clock. So did you.
Today was for you to speak, not me.
I spoke. You gave me credit for speaking, right?
That's not what I'm doing here.
Fine. We'll just have to start over next week.
We're on for Tuesday at 10:30. I can't make it.
You have something more important to do next Tuesday?
Just my life, Mom.
I'm sorry. I didn't wanna burden you with this, but I guess I'm going to have to. Oh, boy.
Your mother is in pain. A widow in pain.
I think that's a good place to stop.
That's a terrible place to stop.
She doesn't get to go out like that, does she?
With the bazookas blasting?
I have somebody waiting.
So this is an intrusion. Is that what you think?
My big bazookas are intruding on you? Mom...
Doesn't it mean anything to you, that I am this raw nerve appealing to my only child to help me through this period?
So... 10:30.
10:30.
Well, she used that maneuver. Write that down.
(DOOR CLOSES)
♪ Welcome to our world of food and fun
♪ Welcome, welcome everyone ♪ Let's start with the Swedish meatballs, then get some Peruvian salchipapas and then the Indonesian rice porridge.
Head straight for the Norwegian stomach pump.
It all looks good. sh**t. I have to leave in a half hour.
Wait, wait, wait. You can't leave.
I have to leave in half an hour.
Luke, I have a plane to catch.
Yeah, but I gotta get back to the diner.
Who's gonna stay here with her? What am I? Four?
I can watch her if you need to go back to the diner, but you need to be back in less than 45 minutes to relieve me.
Guys, please, I have been successfully eating by myself for five or six years now.
Plus Gypsy's over there. She can watch me.
Oh, yeah. That'll work.
Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?
It's a disaster.
Some of our cuisines didn't show up.
So what? You got a good turnout.
We advertised an international food festival, all 195 countries represented.
And a paltry 15 showed up. Kirk, what happened?
Well, Guam had a last-minute parent-teacher conference, Kazakhstan had car trouble...
I told Kazakhstan to get a ride with Poland if that happened.
Oh, does no one listen?
KIRK: Bangladesh's kid has an earache, Chad has acid reflux, Brazil's niece has a soccer game, Turks and Caicos got foot fungus, and Singapore is just being a d*ck.
Other than that, 127 countries never got back to me.
People are going to have to expand on the cuisines they're offering.
Grab your flags. I'm calling an audible.
Israel, grab some yams and crayfish.
You're also Papua New Guinea.
Italy, add Slovenia, Tibet, and the islands of Kiribati.
Let's hustle, people.
I'm gonna go hang out in Korea.
I'm gonna get a cup of Kofi Annan.
That's just a little international humor.
Very little. See ya.
Ooh, this looks good. What's this?
That's the compost heap.
Oh. (PETAL OINKING)
I'm really hungry.
How's things in the Koreas?
Oh, and Guam and Bulgaria? Great.
Move, move, move.
Stop. Line up.
Oh, hello, Rory.
Hello, Mrs. Kim.
Uh, this is Mama's new choir.
Fresh off the boat. I'm getting them ready for the circuit.
Now, sing. (BLOWS MOUTH ORGAN)
(SINGING SOFTLY IN KOREAN)
They sound good, Mama.
Please, they suck eggs.
Language, Mama!
No, I mean all they do is eat.
Eggs, bread, fruit. The toilet paper they go through.
I don't want to know what they do with it.
Sing out, Louise Pang!
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Um... Hello?
Rory? Sandee Martin from SandeeSays. You get the basket?
I did. Hi, Sandee.
Those muffins? The raspberry? Don't you want to make love to them?
Multiple times, yes.
Now, when am I getting you to join my team?
Sandee, that's so flattering. I just don't think...
No! This thing we've got here, it doesn't end till I hear a yes.
I'm just kinda busy now.
Of course you're busy. You're Rory Gilmore.
But I've got plans to overtake Huffington Post within a year, and I need your voice at SandeeSays to do that.
Sandee, thank you. The site is really great.
I just don't think I can devote the time right now.
- I'm on my way to London... We'll pause here. Talk to you soon.
Bye. (CHOIR CONTINUES SINGING)
Small plates, high prices. That's just the way I roll, pal.
Gypsy, whip up a quick poutine.
You're taking over Canada. (GASPS SOFTLY)
Whip up a what?
So we have $27 bid on Cassie's beautiful basket.
Do I hear a $28?
Hey, let's bid. Why?
Basket bidding was part of our early romance. It's nostalgic.
Why would I want Cassie's basket?
Dirty. Dirty. I know.
$28! She doesn't want you eating her basket.
I'm gonna stop talking now.
We have a bid of $28. Do I hear $29?
$29! You're bidding against yourself.
It's for a good cause. $30!
(SINGING SOFTLY IN KOREAN)
Okay. The tambourine is scaring them.
They'll get used to it. Just like electricity at night.
Your mother is a woman of vision.
Always.
Oh, hey, my dad's here.
Oh, hi, Mr. Kim.
Jackson. Hey, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
No Sookie? Oh, she wanted to come, but something started sprouting from the steps to the backyard.
She wanted to see if it was edible. I'm not kidding.
(PANTING) Jackson, you're the Virgin Islands and Qatar.
Burundi, I need to talk to you!
Do I want to know what that was about?
I'd stay out of it.
Okay. It's probably best.
What's the big deal? What's the big deal? What's the big deal?
Do you not have eyes? Kirk, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down. What is the problem?
This man is the problem.
It's a classic Vietnamese dish.
It's pig genocide and nothing less.
It's delicious.
Do you wanna take this inside?
What does that even mean?
We're outside, sir, so we can only take this inside.
Calm down, Kirk. Come on, man.
It... it's not Phan's fault. A pig is food.
Et tu, Luke?
But I saw you inhale a BLT at the diner yesterday.
Yeah. A BLT is lettuce, tomato, and...
I'm a monster. Sorry, Kirk.
KIRK: Oh, God. Oh, God.
LUKE: Mmm.
Mmm.
(CHUCKLES)
I know I'm not the one you wanted eating your basket, Cassie, but this is really good.
Red and rashy. All over my chin, all down my neck.
You can't see it 'cause of the makeup. It's this weather.
Oh, one more, love.
Are you good? This is just water.
It's like winter is h*tler and my skin is Poland.
Come April, my face is like one of Shakespeare's first folios.
Of course you don't have these problems, do you?
I'm lucky.
Oh, your cheeks are like two white apples.
Look at her cheeks.
Tell me you don't want to take a bite out of those cheeks.
I do. (CHUCKLES)
Okay. So, uh, Naomi. (CHUCKLES)
Yes. I was thinking maybe we could talk about the theme of the book.
That would be me. I mean, I'm the theme, right?
For sure. But there are many ways to approach you.
(SIGHS) I'm not approachable. Oh, it's my mother's fault.
I hate my mother. Oh!
(GASPS) Don't write that.
Don't write that. But I'm a writer.
Sweetie, you want facts. Facts are what you want.
Well, facts are dull.
Oh, thank you.
Well, not so much in a biography.
Oh. Well, let's not do that. A biography.
Let's do something fresh.
Like, uh...
Let's make it a children's book.
A children's book?
It could deal in archetypes.
A whale and a rabbit. One of them can represent me.
Are you the whale or the rabbit?
Mmm. I don't know. Thoughts?
Here's one. Uh, why don't we just focus on your story for now, and then we'll talk about the whale and the rabbit later?
Darling Boswell, I do so want to be in sync with you.
Oh. No, we are in sync. I swear. I... I really believe that.
Aren't these glasses gorgeous?
They won't tell me where they get them from. They're proprietary.
God, I hate England. I'm voting for Brexit.
It's just a protest vote. It'll never win.
A whale and a rabbit. It's not funny.
It's pretty funny.
And she kept coming back to it, comparing the archetypes to characters in some play by Aeschylus.
Oh, and you haven't lived until you've heard a tipsy Brit try to pronounce Aeschylus.
Hey, Aeschylus is hard even when you're not tipsy.
It was like her lips were falling off.
And try convincing her that Willy Loman is not one of the characters in Aeschylus. That was a hoot.
Oh, well, I'm learning so much here.
She had five martinis. Five.
And she got there before I did.
So I don't know how many she had before.
I've read things about this woman. It all kind of aligns.
I did, too. Her decades of breaking barriers and empowering women.
Her drunken, naked tirade through Harrods.
Halfway through her third martini, she asked if she could lick my juicy apple cheeks.
Ooh, do I want to know what that means?
My brain is fried. Well, let's talk about something else.
Oh, Conde Nast. Just got the message. Pushed again.
You're kidding. I know I'm not their highest priority, but Conde Nast asked for this meeting.
Months ago. This came from them.
Conde Nast? Procrastinators supreme. May I?
LOGAN: Help yourself.
How you doing, Rory? Long time, no see.
(STUTTERS) It's been a very long time.
I didn't know you two were still in touch.
Rory was passing through town on a job and I begged her to have lunch.
Hmm. Nothing better to do?
(CHUCKLES) He did beg.
So? What about Conde Nast? Are they dicking you around?
No. Just, um, lots of postponements.
You want me to make a call? To Conde Nast?
I can set a meeting, make it stick. It's no problem.
No, that's okay. Thank you, Mr. Huntzberger.
So what brings you into town?
She's working on a book proposal.
Co-writing with Naomi Shropshire.
(CHUCKLING) Naomi Shropshire?
Have some hangover medicine ready.
(MITCHUM LAUGHS) She's a character.
But that's what makes her unique.
Ah, I gotta go.
Um, hey, the party next week for your uncle...
Is Odette coming?
She will be there.
Gets engaged to a girl who lives in another country. Smart girl.
(CHUCKLES) - And Conde Nast? The offer stands.
You're very nice. Thank you.
I believe that's the first time anyone's said that to me.
I mean, someone not sticking a shiv in my back.
(CHUCKLES) See ya.
(LOGAN SIGHS)
How did this happen? It's okay.
He's seen us. As far as he knows, we're just friends.
Of all the millions of restaurants, he walks in here?
What?
Eh, this is one of the family holdings.
'Course it is.
Why do you think I sprung for the $300 bottle of wine?
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHING)
All the town fire hydrants will remain red in color until the county rules on our request to customize them based on each corner's individual aesthetic.
Now, as some of you will recall, two months ago I announced that we will be holding the first annual Stars Hollow Gay Pride Parade.
2016 was the perfect year to hold it because it coincided with an important date.
The 70th birthday of one Miss Liza Minnelli.
(CHUCKLING) That's Liza with a "Z."
We know how to spell, Taylor.
He's always been condescending.
But I have to inform you that after exhaustive research and an informal census, we made a surprising discovery.
There just aren't enough gays in Stars Hollow.
How is that possible? We have such cute houses.
ANDREW: And antique shops.
We asked for volunteers to come forward, and so far the list is miniscule.
We have Donald...
Hi, everybody. Donald's a pro.
Who will be marching with his chow chow, Sherlock.
Sherlock's gay?
No, he's just my dog.
Adele and Lois have signed up.
Adele and Lois are a couple? Shh.
TAYLOR: Astonishingly, that's it.
Now, I have contacted some of the mayors of neighboring towns, to see if they would be willing to lend us some of their gays, but, uh, so far not a one has cooperated.
Ingrates. Is this really happening?
We lent them our riding mowers one year.
Why can't they lend us their gays?
Tell that to Hank from Woodbury.
Donald, why don't you ask your cute friend Cliff to march with you.
Cliff would do it. Cliff is straight.
Get outta here.
Donald's gay? Shh.
But I'm confused.
So we're just stuck, people. Stuck.
Taylor, question.
Yes, Gypsy?
Are you sure there isn't anybody you're leaving out?
Anyone else who could march in this thing?
Anyone at all?
Nope.
Well, there you go.
So, with apologies to Miss Liza Minnelli, we'll table the parade for now and see what we come up with next year.
Sorry, Donald.
Oh, Cliff and I are going kayaking that day anyway.
Now, on to our last order of business...
Uh, Lorelai, maybe you can pay attention here.
This concerns you.
You've got my full attention, Taylor.
I believe that bag of profiteroles you snuck in has at least part of your attention.
Well, develop a creamy filling, and I'm all yours.
(SIGHS) Now, as many of you know, a big Hollywood movie is being filmed in our neighboring town of Woodbury.
I lobbied to have the movie sh*t here in Stars Hollow, but Woodbury won out.
Good. No, bad.
Because all the big-name stars of the movie are staying in Woodbury, but my little birds are telling me that a bunch of B-level actors are staying at the Dragonfly.
(MUMBLES) What?
Yeah, so?
We cannot afford to have Stars Hollow known as a place that welcomes B-level actors.
Who's staying at the Dragonfly, Taylor?
Guys, this is private information.
Xander Sackovich.
- He's staying there. BOOTSY: Who?
Exactly.
How did you get my guest list?
Dexter Schmid.
Now you're making that up.
He's on the list.
Taylor, who are your little birds?
"Lydia Papadokolis, Tara Grabowski."
Taylor, what does it matter who's staying at Lorelai's place?
And how is that any of your business?
If you must know, our tax base is receding. Alarmingly.
And it's the tax base that pays for gazebo upkeep, street sweeping, twinkle lights.
If we want to remain a world-class tourist destination, we cannot lower our standards.
These are paying guests. Who cares what they've done?
Hey, I brought up a couple of their credits on my phone here.
Sackovich did Law And Order.
That's not very impressive.
Yeah, who hasn't done the mother lode?
And Tara Grabowski did an independent movie and a two-episode arc on Blue Bloods.
Bit of a stretch.
Yeah, you can't call two episodes an arc. That's misleading.
And are these washouts spending money around town?
Adding to the tax base? I'm not seeing that.
They're probably studying their lines.
And having sex. They have a lot of sex.
TAYLOR: My same little birds are telling me that the A-listers are throwing money around Woodbury like there's no tomorrow.
Matthew McConaughey buys three newspapers a day.
I like that about him.
And Jessica Chastain bought a full bag of assorted toiletries and two sun dresses.
Money in the bank.
Taylor, you want a surefire way to bring in cash, open a bar.
And keep it open late.
It'd be a windfall. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
We'll open a bar over my dead body.
Well then, why don't you just start taxing the Secret Bar?
(ALL SHUSHING)
The what? Nothing.
All right. It's getting late, people. Let's adjourn.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Lorelai, at least find out if any of your B-listers are gay and if they're willing to march in a parade?
No, Taylor.
(SIGHS) I'm an island.
(DOOR OPENS)
Where have you been?
Oh, at a meeting with the accountant. I told you.
Oh, that's great. I'm sprinting around like a madman, keeping this teeny tiny place running, and you're off whooping it up with the accountant.
Whooping it up? I could barely keep my eyes open.
Hold on. These are heavy.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(CHUCKLING) Excuse me.
I know you're disappointed that we have no exercise equipment, so I ran home and I brought you some of my own personal dumbbells.
They're pretty small. I'm used to big dumbbells.
Yes. So am I.
Excuse me. Lorelai!
Ah. What?
Have you looked these people up? These are B-level.
No. Not this again.
And the one with the skateboard?
He doesn't ride it. He just carries it around.
I'm not even listening to you.
And the girls all stand at the mirror looking at themselves like they're God's gift, making it impossible for me to stand at the mirror and look at myself.
Enough. And the boys all stare at their phones with their mouths open.
They never close them. (GRUNTS)
They all have stupid ventriloquist dummy mouths!
Kitchen. Shh! And what is the mother lode?
They keep telling stories about the mother lode.
Hey, what is the matter with you?
You've been spitting nails all week.
Are you aware that the A-listers in this stupid movie are all staying in Woodbury?
Painfully. At the Cheshire Cat. The Cheshire Cat.
With their watery orange juice, scratchy towels, and really stinky croissants.
Yes, we're better than the Cheshire Cat.
We are better, but they have suites.
Big, comfy suites with soaking tubs and mini-fridges.
We hate mini fridges. Of course we do.
But Jack Black wants a mini fridge.
Cate Blanchett wants a mini fridge.
It's Dexter Schmid and Lydia Papadokolis who compromise their standards and stay in our tiny rooms without mini fridges.
Our rooms are beautiful.
But no Nespresso machines.
Daniel Radcliffe likes his ristretto in the morning and his half-decaffeinato in the evening, while he reads the papers he borrowed from Matthew McConaughey.
How do you know all this?
We don't have a spa, we don't have a gym.
We don't have the space.
Well, these people care about their pecs and their glutes.
They work them out. Then they want them oiled, rubbed and scraped.
And then they like to sit in in their suites, and soak in their tub, and have pressed juice that they kept cold in their mini fridge.
We've peaked. Let's face it! We've peaked.
Michel... It's all downhill from here.
Our destinies are set, and Jennifer Lawrence is never, ever going to stay here.
And what's the point of living if we are never going to bag Jennifer Lawrence?
Liz... Liz, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
This is a lot to digest.
Say that again? Uh-huh.
You ready? Hit me.
My sister's joined a cult. Which one?
I'm trying to figure that out. Liz?
Oh, hi, T.J. Yeah, what is the cult?
Uh-huh, I see.
No, no, no, it makes perfect sense. It's a vegetable cult.
Ah. One of those. Yeah, they joined it by accident.
How do you accidentally join a vegetable cult?
It's Liz and T.J. Grab some wine.
Yeah, all right. Talk to my brother-in-law.
Hi, T.J. Oh, hi, Liz. It's Lorelai.
How do you accidentally join a cult?
Uh-huh. I see.
Oh, that makes perfect sense.
They signed up for a co-op that has great vegetables, filled out the paperwork, signed it, and it turned out to be a cult that grows vegetables.
They can't get out of it? You can't get out of it?
Got it. Not for six million years.
Oh, well, at least there's a cut-off date. Here.
Liz? Oh, hi, T.J. Listen, can I call you back?
I don't know, sometime before the six million years is up? Will that work?
Great. Bye.
Those vegetables better be fresh and crunchy.
Boy, I don't want to talk about it.
Then let's not talk about it. Here, sit. Sit.
Got chicken scaloppini for you, linguine with meatballs for me and a hanger steak for Paul Anka.
Hey, how was work?
Crazy. By which I mean, Michel is crazy.
Ah, what else is new?
(SIGHS) He's been so on edge lately.
He keeps saying we've peaked.
How have you peaked?
The place has been booked solid ever since you opened.
But it's so small. Just ten rooms and no suites, no mini fridge, and no room to grow.
You don't need to grow. Tell him.
Why does everything need to grow?
If something's good, keep it the same.
Yeah, but I kinda get what he's saying...
No, you don't need more.
Okay.
Listen... I don't mean to be so firm about this, but don't let a guy like Michel get in your head, okay?
He's been complaining for 20 years. Let him complain.
I know. You want me to talk to him?
The last time you talked to him, he spent an hour in my office, crying.
Well, something good came out of it.
(CHUCKLES)
(PAUL ANKA WHIMPERING)
(GRUNTS)
Hey, check on Paul Anka.
I'm on it.
(PAUL ANKA BARKING)
(SIGHS)
Gotta go out, poochy?
Clearly.
You all set, bud?
All set. Squirrel!
You hungry, bud?
When am I not?
(PAUL ANKA BARKS) (GASPING)
Then I fell back to sleep and the real Paul Anka serenaded me with a medley of lullabies.
That's very sweet of him. - I know.
I feel weirdly bonded with the real Paul Anka over this.
Plus it's my third dream about him this year. What does that mean?
That it's a good thing we didn't name him Mickey Rourke.
Hey, have you ever heard of Dexter Schmid?
Is that a band? - No, an actor.
Don't think so.
Tawny Shaverkian? Nope.
Lynix Hatlestad? Who are these people?
Just a bunch of actors staying at the inn.
Kind of B-level. That's mean.
That's what everyone's calling them.
Anyway, they bought out the whole inn.
That's good. - Yeah.
But we should've bagged Jennifer Lawrence, right?
Why are you trying to bag Jennifer Lawrence?
Well, 'cause that's who you try to bag. She's the goods.
"She's the goods"? What is that, hotel lingo?
And the ones who are here, these B-level kids...
Call them something else.
These younger, less-credited thespians, they all use their original names. No one changes them anymore.
- What's up with that? Maybe they like them.
Tawny Shaverkian likes her name?
It's not bad. - My generation, we got Natalie Portman, not Natalie Hershlag.
Someone's been on the Google box.
We got Joaquin Phoenix, not Joaquin Bottom.
Oh, you're making that up. - No.
Who wants to watch Virginia McMath dance with Frederick Austerlitz?
- Is that Ginger and Fred? Yeah.
You sound very worked up. Are you okay?
(SIGHS) Michel's leaving.
No, he's not.
Well, he's getting restless.
Well, that's just Michel.
Play him some Skrillex. That always calms him.
The Dragonfly was a dream Sookie and I had.
It was a pals' place.
And then she left, which sucked, but I still had Michel.
And Michel... He's for me what Paris is for you.
Your angry friend.
My angry friend.
He's not leaving.
How much longer are you there?
Not much longer. I'll see you soon.
Didi's not sick of you yet?
Didi? British Didi?
Oh, no. (CHUCKLES) Um...
Not sick yet. I do the dishes.
Oh, for Didi you do the dishes.
I have to go.
Well, thanks for letting me bend your ear.
Michel's not leaving.
Bye.
Oh, you'd look good in a suit. Yes, you would.
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Well, I just wanna say...
I'm sorr... Do not do that again.
You ever think about putting in a salad bar?
(SIGHS)
(IN SING-SONG) What a day! (LAUGHING)
What a beautiful day!
He did not sound like that!
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yes, we called him Trombone Stan.
He did exactly!
I never called him that.
(IN SING-SONG) Hello, Lorelai.
How've your grades been?
Stop.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Fine. Pretty good, Stan.
(IN SING-SONG) Pretty good's good enough for Trombone Stan. Really, stop! Stop! (LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So that's it? Trombone Stan and you're out?
Not unless you want me to hit you with some Timpani Tom.
Are you hearing this?
Timpani Tom.
And you have nothing else to say? No outstanding issues?
Nope. I'm all good. You?
As a matter of fact, I do have a few outstanding issues.
Poked the bear. Poked the bear.
A girl gets pregnant at 16 and just takes off without leaving so much as a forwarding address.
Oh, my God. Hornet's nest.
Excuse me?
Mom, are we really going to go back over this ancient history again?
We've moved so far past this.
Well, clearly I haven't.
But that was eons ago, and we've had so much contact since then, and you got Rory back in your life. Why? Why are we doing this?
You asked if I had issues, and I have issues.
Really, a salad bar, a Color Me Mine.
Here's another one. After years of absence, she deigns to come back into our lives when she needs money.
For Rory. It was for my daughter. And it was a loan.
Ancient history. Issue resolved.
She's hidden just about every relationship she's ever had from me.
Yes. Yes, that has been my habit.
She's smarted off in front of other family and in front of friends too many times to count.
It takes her days to return phone calls.
I give her presents and never see her using them.
I have specific tastes.
The maid once saw me napping, and Lorelai told her I was bourboned up.
(CHUCKLING) It was a joke. It was a joke.
And never will I forgive her for that heinous letter she sent on my birthday.
Whoa. What? What letter?
With the accusations, the profanity, the abuse. The letter.
Uh, that wasn't me.
Of course it was you. Who else would it be?
Mom, that definitely wasn't me.
I'm not Edith Wharton. I don't write letters.
Well, that's absurd. I recall it clearly.
LORELAI: Well, you're not recalling it, 'cause it never happened.
It was sitting on my bed. I remember the envelope.
I remember the color of the ink. No. Uh-uh.
Ugh! Look, I will cop to the other stuff, okay?
The embarrassing you in front of guests, the hiding my relationships...
But I won't admit to writing some terrible letter on your birthday, because it never happened. It never happened.
Well, I'm saying it did.
Ladies, I'm afraid we have to stop.
Mom, I did not write that letter.
And I say you did.
Somebody's waiting. I'm sorry.
Clearly, she's been holding onto this for years, and it's not true.
It's not true. Mom, it's not true.
We'll talk about this next week, Lorelai. No, I...
You can't leave this room thinking that I did that.
I won't let you. Give me my purse.
We're extending our time.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Fine! We'll... We'll settle this next week!
Ridiculous! Lorelai, my purse!
- Lorelai, I need my keys. (DOOR CLOSES)
Naomi, wait. You're saying so many things at once. Slow down.
NAOMI: I'm British, Rory. We speak fast. Catch up.
Winston Churchill didn't speak fast.
Why are you talking about that fat poof when my whole life is falling apart?
You used to like my historical references.
She just called Winston Churchill a fat poof.
What did he do other than save the Western world?
Who are you talking to?
No one.
Were you listening before?
George is not returning my calls.
He's not following my tweets.
I thought your boyfriend was Colin.
Oh, for the love of God. That was weeks ago.
You Americans really don't listen.
No, I listen... - I am on a ledge here.
Uh, wait, are you literally on a ledge?
(MOUTHS) What?
You see, I don't think you have the humor to do this book.
You don't get nuance.
No, I get nuance.
And you flat out dismissed my whale and mouse story.
No, I didn't.
And it was a rabbit, - not a mouse. - No.
It was a mouse.
It was a rabbit. - It was a mouse.
It was a rabbit.
It's the gentile version of Fiddler On The Roof.
Okay. You're right. It was a mouse. And you're the mouse.
No. No, darling. No.
I'm the whale. Why in God's name would I be a mouse?
I must be mistaken.
I can't possibly sit with you today.
Okay, can we talk tomorrow?
(SIGHS) You say that as if there is a tomorrow.
Come on, the suspense is k*lling me.
Is she the mouse or the whale? It doesn't matter.
Next time she'll be a mongoose, a pangolin, or a piece of fruit, and it'll be my fault for not remembering.
(CHUCKLES) What did you think?
SandeeSays?
Layout's pretty good. Design catches your eye.
And att*cks it with pretty, pretty colors.
It's an interesting mix of sweet and sour.
Gets a little catty and gossipy.
But not that I don't like gossip.
Well, how many steps down is it from the New Yorker, or GQ, or Huffington or Bazooka Comics?
A few below the first three.
But I love that they want you.
Could be a signal they're looking to class the joint up a bit.
I gotta get going.
Mmm, but you're my pillow.
(GRUNTS) Sorry.
What time is your flight tomorrow?
Threeish.
But, hey, I was thinking, I don't have to head back to the States so soon.
Yeah? Yeah, there's nothing pressing.
I could hang a couple more days.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Are you leaving town?
Someone's coming to town?
Kind of.
Odette.
Kind of.
Right, so I guess I'll go.
Ivy tonight?
Our traditional farewell meal.
I'll send the car at 8:00.
Eight is great.
What is this movie?
(CHUCKLES) It's a weird one.
Kind of scary. You'll have to hold me.
Oh, I can live with that.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi, guys.
Hi, Lulu. Hey, Lulu.
So do you guys want the love couch tonight?
The love couch? Definitely. (CHUCKLES)
Kirk and I have had some crazy good times on this thing.
(GRUNTS) Too late. Oops.
LULU: Have fun.
Welcome, everyone, to the spring season of the Black, White and Read Movie Theater.
I am pleased to present tonight's feature film, Eraserhead.
Now before we start, the management of the theater is aware that some of you on occasion have snuck food into the theater.
You should know that consuming food purchased outside of the premises is strictly prohibited. LORELAI: Got it.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Would it be possible to be a little more discreet?
BABETTE: No problem.
We got some extra link sausages if anybody wants some.
Babette, did you just hear what I said about food purchased outside?
I didn't purchase this stuff. I brought it from home.
Yeah, chill out, man.
MAN: Hey. Hey, Kirk.
KIRK: What is it, Pete? Talk to me.
I've seen Eraserhead, like, 27 times.
Twenty-two times for us. It was our make-out movie for a while.
Luke, how many times have you seen it? Oh, hundreds.
I mean, it makes your head leave your body, doesn't it?
Oh, yeah, my head and I take off and float around and look at the stars, and take a left on Peach Street...
Get me out of this. Fries, guys?
BRIAN: Mmm. ZACH: Yeah.
Okay. Now people, I have a surprise for you.
Twelve years ago, I completed my first short film, I Love Your Daughter.
It premiered at the Lake Chappapaqua Film Festival, where it won the coveted Good Try award.
Tonight, after years of labor, I am happy to announce that my second short is finally complete.
Roll it.
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
Gorgeous day, don't you think?
(OINKING)
(CHUCKLES)
This pig is for reals.
Hey. That's my car. That's our house.
Hey, that's me!
LUKE: How did you not notice this?
(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: (WHISPERING) Kirk.
It's an omen.
(PIG SQUEALING)
Petal, no! (TIRES SCREECHING)
(CRASHING)
Poor Petal!
Petal. Come on, old buddy.
(PETAL GROANING)
Why won't anybody help me?
Is the world so cold?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Geez. Come on, people.
ALL: Not mine.
Not mine. Uh, Luke?
What? (RINGING CONTINUES)
Oh, sh**t. Why is this ringing?
Someone's calling you. Nobody calls me at night.
BABETTE: Come on, Luke, turn off your cell. It's distracting.
That enough, baby? That ought to do it.
Who do we know in the 8-6-0? My mother.
(GASPS) My mother! Your mother?
That's my mother. Why is she calling me?
I don't know. She never calls me.
Don't pick up. I'm not picking up.
Why is this ringing so much?
Because that's the same phone Alexander Graham Bell yelled, "Watson, come here. I want you," into.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
She left a message.
(GROANS)
Here. (SIGHS)
What? No. What? What?
That's not happening. What's not happening?
Ugh, she wants you to come over for dinner sometime next week.
Me? Yes.
Just me? Just you.
That's not happening.
She has an urgent matter she needs to discuss with you.
What is it? I don't know.
How did she get my number? I don't know.
Why? Why?
(YELLING) Why? (PETAL OINKING)
We should probably paint that out.
Well, I guess I gotta go, right? You're not going.
(CHUCKLES) It's your mother. She'll hound me until I do.
Well, if you're going, I'm going. Yeah...
Okay, how about you go and I don't go?
Well, frankly, she asked for you.
Let's never go into battle together.
I know exactly how that pig feels.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SIGHS) Hey, was Michel in today? Did I miss him?
It said on the schedule he's on vacation. New York, I think.
Right. A lot of hotels in New York.
Hmm. Thank you. (SIGHS)
Hey, Rachael. Lorelai, hey!
How's it going?
Oh, it's great. I love this kitchen.
Mmm. Sookie set it up so great.
Yeah, she's a pip. (SIGHS)
You know, I got soup and sammies for days in here.
(LORELAI CHUCKLES)
Try one. They're delish.
Well, if they're delish...
You seem sad.
Oh, he's gonna leave. Who?
Michel. Have you met him yet?
Oh, yeah. I couldn't understand a word he said.
That's him. So, he's gonna leave. Why?
Because it's not enough and I get it. I've known him a long time.
Mmm. I was a maid first at this other inn, and I got promoted.
On my first day, he was the only one who would tell me I had a weird stain on my Thompson Twins T-shirt, and that by the way, I shouldn't be wearing a Thompson Twins T-shirt now that I'm working the front desk.
And you understood all that?
He always had my back.
You know, maybe you're reading this all wrong.
Maybe he really doesn't want to leave, and you're making yourself crazy for nothing.
(CHUCKLES) That would be nice.
Life has a way of just sort of working itself out.
Yeah, you're right.
(CHUCKLES) I should just chill.
Yeah. Thank you.
You're welcome. Anything else?
Yeah, I have to let you go. What?
The pop-up's just not working out.
No one's eating anything out there.
But they're not eating anything out there because they all have to take their clothes off for that movie tomorrow.
Sorry.
(SIGHS)
Okay, uh, I guess I'll just clean up a little and I'll go.
Take your time.
Mmm, really good sammie.
Okay. This is the spot to breathe deeply because you may not get another chance.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
(GRUNTS) Oh, God. What?
What? I swallowed a bug.
Oh. Well... (CLEARS THROAT) It's lodged in there.
Oh, no. Well, okay. Let's do this.
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) Let's do it.
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
Berta! Hi! We've met. (CHUCKLES)
- Hola, hello. Hello.
What are you doing here?
We're here for dinner. But you weren't invited.
Mom, you left a message about dinner. So here we are.
You weren't invited. Hello, Luke.
Hello, Mrs. Gilmore.
You weren't invited.
Really, Mom, work on your hosting skills a little.
(SIGHS) Well, you're here now.
See? A warm welcome makes all the difference.
Come in, I guess. I just wasn't expecting both of you.
I sent, like, three e-mails. I didn't get them.
Well, I sent them. I don't understand e-mail.
What's this?
Berta's second cousins are fixing my curtains.
So much talent. Luke, you want a drink?
(HOARSELY) Yes, please.
What's wrong with your throat?
(COUGHS) I swallowed a bug.
Why in the world would you do that?
How about scotch, Mom? Feels like a scotch night.
Coming up.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, now who's that?
I'm not gonna make it.
(GASPS) Luke, come on.
Remember your last name. Danes.
The Anglo-Saxon word for warrior.
It means that you're a fighter. You're a conqueror!
No, it doesn't. "Danes" means, like, valley, or something.
It's a farmer's name. My ancestors raised sheep.
Well, they defended those sheep with all they had.
Hail to the Danes, brave soldiers of the sheep!
(GASPS) Hey, kid! Hi, guys.
She wasn't invited.
Ah, this again?
Grandma, you're forgetting. You said I could stay the night.
I'm heading to Chilton in the morning.
(GASPS) Your Chilton alumni event.
Of course. I forgot. You can stay.
Jury's still out on me?
You said it. I didn't.
Hi, Grandpa.
Grandma, are my boxes still in the guest room?
Some. I gave a bunch of them to Berta.
What?
I thought you said you don't wear any of that stuff anymore.
Grandma, my lucky outfit could be in one of those boxes.
Well, don't worry. She keeps everything.
Just go through her closet. She won't mind.
LUKE AND LORELAI: Thank you.
Bring yours into the study.
Okay.
Just me and Luke.
Protect those sheep. Defend those sheep!
Sit.
(LUKE EXHALES HEAVILY)
You ever been in here? Once. It's, uh, woody.
You can still smell Richard's cigars. I like that smell.
It's a good smell.
Do you have a will?
A will?
A will. You need a will.
If you go first and your affairs aren't in order, it'll all come crashing down on my daughter's head. Do you want that?
No. Do you know when you're going to die?
Not offhand.
Richard had an actuarial life table for all the family members, including you.
A prediction of everybody's day of death.
It's remarkably accurate.
He included some close friends, too.
He nailed Stuart Carrington's death within an hour.
He was so proud of that.
That's a great accomplishment.
This is your file.
I've got a file?
You got some time left. Well, good.
But you're to use this information for your life insurance needs.
Again, you can't leave my daughter high and dry.
I'll photocopy it for you, and you can go from there.
I'll mark the date in my calendar. Good.
Now, next piece of business.
Richard left you a sum of money in his will.
You didn't know that.
No.
The money is in a trust account, to be used for a specific purpose and for that purpose only.
Which is?
To expand and franchise Luke's Diner.
What?
He even refers to it as the Luke's Diner Empire.
So that's it.
You're to use the money to build an empire.
Uh...
I've already contacted the best commercial real estate agent in Connecticut.
Ida Friedman. She's a real shark.
She eats real estate lawyers for lunch.
You look stunned.
Well, this is a lot to take in.
Luke, when are you going to get moving?
When are you going to embrace your future?
Tonight?
Good answer.
Need a refresh?
Mom, where's Luke?
He was right behind me.
I'm right here.
I need to check on dinner, set some extra plates.
If you see Berta's sister Isabella, ask her to fill the water glasses?
(LUKE SIGHS)
Well? I'm starting an empire.
What? That word was in there.
Bold letters. All caps. "Empire." What are you talking about?
She wants me to franchise Luke's.
Actually, your father wants me to franchise Luke's.
What are you talking about?
Richard put a bunch of money in a trust account.
I'm supposed to call Ida and franchise the diner.
I'm sweating through everything now.
Oh. No. Not gonna happen.
I've got a shark.
Give me that.
Not gonna happen. Trust me.
(SIGHS)
(SCOFFS)
(BOTH SIGH)
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪ Say, I believe I recognize you from my school days.
And I you. Good to see you, old chum.
Ah, Chilton.
"I cannot remember the books I've read"
"any more than the meals I have eaten;"
"even so, they have made me."
Oh, my God. Were we ever this young? Never.
Oh, hey, it's Mr. Sanders from AP Physics. Hey, Mr. Sanders!
Oh, no.
What's up his ass?
There they are. Two of our finest.
How are you, Rory?
Very well. Good to see you, Headmaster Charleston.
And Paris, you're looking well, prosperous. Happy?
How old is that drinking fountain?
(CHUCKLES) I don't know. 20 years, maybe more.
You know that a drinking fountain contains more rotavirus than a toilet.
This is the first I've heard of it.
Chipped in $100,000 to the capital improvement plan.
Where are the capital improvements?
Your money was well spent, Paris, and appreciated.
Come, come, we have some time. Sit with me.
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
I could have coffee made if you want.
Espresso? Cappuccino? I'm fine.
PARIS: Nice machine, though.
Real nice. May I ask...
I paid for it myself, Paris.
That wasn't necessarily my question.
Can I use your john? Uh, of course.
There is no one quite like Paris Geller.
Agreed. So let's talk about you.
Are you married? Not yet.
Good, be picky. (CHUCKLES)
And where is home?
Oh, here and there.
A wayfarer. (CHUCKLES)
I read your New Yorker piece.
I just stumbled on it one day. Such a nice surprise.
I've gotten a lot of good feedback for that one.
I've read of lot of your work. Slate, the Atlantic.
I always enjoy it.
Are things going well in your career? Well enough.
I'm sorry about your grandfather.
He was a friend. I miss him.
(DOOR OPENS) Me, too.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) A lava stone counter.
French, right? It was there before me, Paris.
I believe you. Oh, sorry, I have to take this.
Oh, please don't. I'll be right back.
So, when was the last time someone audited your books?
Hey, you. LORELAI: Hey.
I had a moment. I just thought I'd check in.
How's my little alumnus doing?
Great. It's fun being back here, and weird.
The headmaster says hi. No, he doesn't.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be in the middle of a therapy session with Grandma?
Yeah, but we took a break.
You're not supposed to take a break in the middle of therapy.
It was the therapist who wanted the break.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, gotta go. Bye, hon.
You smoke?
Uh, I just started again.
Who was that? Luke?
No, it was Rory. She's doing her Chilton day.
We were just talking about Luke.
You and Claudia?
He's your guy, right?
Yeah, he's my guy. (CHUCKLES)
What? I said nothing.
You said plenty. I didn't say anything.
Did I say anything?
Oh, but you want to, Mom. Go ahead, get it out.
It's in there. I know it is. Pressure's building, steam is rising.
She's not married, you know.
(GASPS) There she blows, Old Faithful.
Be sure to stop by the gift shop on your way out.
She has "a roommate."
Hear the quotes? He's not my roommate.
You share a bedroom. Yes.
Which makes you roommates with benefits. Booty buddies.
Yeah, that's exactly what we are, Mom. Glad you're up on the lingo.
Anything more permanent would terrify her.
We are permanent. We're permanent.
Hanging out is not permanent. Marriage is permanent.
"Marriage is permanent."
Uh, Liz Taylor just rose from her grave to say, "What?"
Well, even Claudia just called him "your guy," like it's a beach blanket movie.
We have been together, steadily, for nine years.
Luke hardly ever comes by the house for dinner.
I didn't even have his phone number until I got it from Rory.
So you go through me to get to him. The system works.
You've hardly mentioned him in these sessions.
We are here to work out problems.
Luke and I don't have a problem.
My late husband was just as concerned about this.
Interesting.
Chalk it up to a serious lack of hobbies.
That's why he set up that trust for Luke to expand his business, to give her something more permanent.
You don't know what Dad was thinking.
Excuse me?
I was his wife for 50 years. I knew his every thought.
We shared everything because we were married.
And that bond got us through the tough times too.
The separation.
Our marriage brought us back together for some of the happiest years we ever had.
What's gonna get you through the tough times?
My Wonder Woman stamina and a box of Twinkies.
You'll just find another roommate. Why not? That's how it goes.
Can I bum a smoke?
EMILY: One of you will shrug one day and think, "What the hell, I'm outta here," pack a bag and walk off, and the other'll stay behind and just rent space to the next person, like it's an Airbnb. Okay.
I have not walked out of any of these sessions, because it's super dramatic, but, uh, I think in this moment, it is justified, 'cause I don't wanna listen to this anymore.
Our time is up anyway. What? Oh, no way!
It is. The hour's up.
Okay, well, I am walking out of here as if it is not over yet, so the intent is the same.
Fine. We're picking this up next week.
Fine. Tuesday, 10:30. I insist.
PARIS: Well, he needs to sign the sperm donation agreement today, okay?
Then I don't want his sperm. No, I do not want his sperm.
I do not wanna touch his sperm and I don't want to see his sperm until I get a firm sperm agreement.
We got it. No sperm. Wrap it up.
I gotta go. I'm offline for 30. I'll check in later.
See you afterwards? See you afterwards.
We all have our proclivities, right?
The things we loved before we came to Chilton, the subjects we wanted to study.
I had them. Literature, history. And I absorbed them.
But with time, I discovered that it's the stealth subjects, the ones I discovered while I was here, that really expanded my mind the most.
I love music. So I thought, "I'll take a music course."
"Composition and theory. How hard could it be?"
Well... (CHUCKLES)
(ALL CHUCKLE) - It was a struggle. Let's put it that way.
I had this notion that somehow my extensive familiarity with Nick Cave, and Radiohead, and a smattering of Stravinsky destined me for success.
So I'll never forget the day that I realized my composition class required composing.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
But I did it. I composed the melody, I added the harmonies, I drew those treble and bass clefs, I wrote those whole notes, those half notes, those quarter notes, those rest stops, and while you'll never witness a public performance of my composition, because of that experience I can see music when I hear it.
I only ever heard it before.
And I'll always be grateful for that.
PARIS: It's k*ll or be k*lled.
I'm not talking The Art of w*r.
Oh, no.
That's a tiptoe through the tulips compared with what you're going to find beyond these walls.
Betrayal, deception...
And that's just in the bedroom.
That was a joke. You were supposed to laugh.
(SCATTERED CHUCKLING)
Now, I'm not in the habit of quoting Joseph Stalin.
I mean, the man was a psychopath, and his policy of forced collectivization k*lled millions of his own people.
But I found one thing he said to be quite inspiring.
(BELL RINGING)
Well, hey, look at this. Synchronicity.
How'd it go in there?
This generation's devoid of anything resembling mirth, but I made my points. You?
They're young'uns. That's for sure.
You got time for lunch? I'm starving.
How about Steady Eddie's? Or the Italian place?
Is it okay if we smell like garlic?
Not smelling like garlic is way overrated if you ask me.
So what do you think? The Italian place? Paris?
Oh, my God. What is it?
Oh, my God!
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Tristin?
PARIS: Get out! Get out! (STUDENTS SCREAMING)
What the hell? What the hell?
Was that Tristin out there?
Of course it was Tristin.
With that pouty mouth, those liquid eyes. Who else?
The janitor in softer light?
What is this? What am I feeling?
I don't know. What are you feeling?
(SIGHS) I'm feeling fear and loneliness and heartache.
Listen to me. I sound like a freaking Blake Shelton song.
Yours is better.
My hands are shaking.
My heart is pounding. God. I thought I was past this.
He must be here for the same reason we are.
And to hit on girls.
You saw him out there, mackin' on that slutty biznotch.
Now you're just freaking me out. Calm down.
And he didn't even look at me. Not so much as a glance.
All my education, the advanced degrees, the academic awards, all my accomplishments.
The private club, the Pilates, the dermabrasions, the subtle nips and tucks, and I'm still just Paris Geller, the amazing, insignificant, invisible girl.
You've had nips and tucks?
Do not abandon me. I'm not.
I'm pathetic. No.
Oh, really? (SNIFFLES)
Check out what's in my briefcase.
Nothing.
I brought it because I thought people would think I was more important because I was carrying a briefcase.
I'm a phony.
(DOOR RATTLES)
(POUNDING ON DOOR) GIRL 1: What's going on?
GIRL 2: Come on! (SIGHS)
I'm still in love with Tristin.
What? No.
Yes.
No. (PANTING)
I don't know.
You are just feeling vulnerable right now. That's what this is.
You're going through a divorce.
You have your business, the kids.
The kids hate me. They like the nanny.
Last Christmas, they cried all morning until she came.
I don't blame them. I like the nanny, too.
I cry sometimes when she leaves.
Oh. Hello.
Francie. Figures.
What? You're catching us at a bad time.
Are you stalking me?
Sorry, did I accidentally step into 2003?
What do you need? Expanded lunch hours?
Hemlines shortened to just below the hoo-ha?
Should I get the nurse?
Or are you and Rory in cahoots again, planning a get-together behind my back?
Is that why you didn't want to go to lunch with me?
I did. We were doing Italian. We're having a bad day.
You always tried to get between me and Rory, you destroyed my student council career, and you ruined my chance to get into Harvard.
Paris, you're an MD, a lawyer, an expert on neoclassical architecture, and, I think, a certified dental technician to boot.
You rule the world. What's your damage?
Oh, you've been spying on me? Cyber-stalking me?
How do you know all this?
You invited me on Linkedin.
Yeah, right.
Take a powder, Baby John. This is our turf!
Sure. Fine.
We'll just catch up at the reunion at the Puffs next month.
Oops. No we won't, because you never got Puffed.
Screw you! Eat me!
Nice to see you, Francie.
I miss Doyle.
Calm down. (TAKES DEEP BREATH)
I miss the sex. It was volcanic.
Oh, boy. I didn't need to know that.
I'm untethered.
I'm a mylar balloon floating into an infinite void, and I missed my last period.
You're going through a bad stretch here, Paris.
Just slow down, reassess, then change course. It'll get better.
Thanks for the cut-rate Confucius.
Hey!
Sorry.
I've got three meetings and a panel discussion at the 92nd Street Y, and I have got to get myself together because Lena Dunham's the moderator.
She cannot see me like this.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
Don't tell anyone about the briefcase.
Your secret's safe with me.
CHARLESTON: Thank you for stopping by before you go.
I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.
Now, I have a question, and there's a point to it.
sh**t.
Have you ever considered getting your master's?
Why?
So you could come back and be on the faculty here.
Oh. Wow.
It's not a bad place to work.
Not at all. I'm very flattered.
I've always thought the world of you. All of us here have.
And your experience since you left us.
Top of your class at Yale, your writings.
We have a spot open for you in whatever department you choose.
English, history...
Uh, not so much musical composition.
Oh, well, then I'm out of here.
(CHUCKLES) Thoughts?
I thought about getting a master's. Years ago. A PhD.
But I was impatient. I wanted to get out into the world.
Yes, you were always internally stronger than everyone else.
I suppose you get that from your mother. She was a real spitfire.
(CHUCKLES) Still is.
We all go through bad stretches.
Oh. No, I'm not going through a bad stretch.
Then my language was too strong.
It's just that when I hear that someone of your caliber is living here and there, I wonder if I can be of assistance.
I appreciate it, but I don't think teaching's my future.
But thank you so much.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in!
Keep in touch, though.
I'll keep in touch.
Headmaster, the students from Paris Geller's lecture are here.
Bring them in.
The Paris postmortem.
A headmaster's work is never done.
(CHUCKLES)
(GRUNTS) Blow my colon. What now?
I left my glasses upstairs. Three flights up.
Well, go get 'em.
I'm exhausted from this day, Rory. I can't take these stairs.
- So ask Clementina to go get them. No, no, no.
That's how we lost the kids' last nanny to those stairs.
How? - This place is - a vertical Armageddon.
Five stories. And Doyle wouldn't put in an elevator because it'd ruin the architectural integrity of the building.
He just loved telling people, "It's pre-w*r. Pre-Civil w*r."
(SCOFFS) Like that wouldn't make Dorothy Parker barf.
(DOOR OPENS) DOYLE: Hello.
Speak of the devil.
So we lose our nanny because she won't take the stairs anymore.
DOYLE: We're here.
PARIS: Meanwhile, Doyle's renting a loft in Tribeca.
One story and it has an elevator. DOYLE: Hello?
Doyle, just come in!
I didn't know if you wanted me to.
Well, what are you going to do?
Shove the kids through the mail slot?
Hello, my babies. (DOOR CLOSES)
GABRIELA: Hi, Mommy.
Now go on up with Clementina. I'll be up in a minute.
Yes, miss. Come on, little ones.
Hey, fun day, guys. Right?
Fun day? All right. Fun day.
Hey, Rory. It's nice to see you. Hey, Doyle.
See, I didn't poison her against you.
I know. She and I e-mail now and then. You guys e-mail?
So they suck you into the Conde Nast universe yet?
Still working on it. Really?
I know you've been talking about it for months.
You guys talk?
How's the screenwriting going? Great.
Just got in last night from a big meeting in LA.
Don't sit. How'd it go?
Pulled in off of Melrose, sat on their Italian couch, drank a Fiji Water, pitched them an idea I came up with at the airport.
Then they stuck a sack full of money in my pocket and flew me back home first class.
Bunch of nitwits. The kids ate, right?
They're eating here. There's nothing here, Doyle.
So have Clementina take them out.
She just went upstairs. She went upstairs?
You were right here.
Why in the world would you let her go upstairs?
Because I didn't know she had to come back downstairs.
Now I'm going to have to go upstairs, tell her to bring the kids downstairs, take them out, bring them home and then back upstairs, and we're going to lose this nanny, too.
We cannot lose this nanny.
We're still paying off the last nanny.
Guys. Guys, I will take the kids to get something to eat.
Really? You'll go upstairs?
Yeah. Yes. PARIS: And bring them down?
And take them out and bring them back upstairs?
Or leave them in an alley somewhere. One of those two things.
Thank you, Rory. Yeah, thanks, Rory.
Bye, guys. Kiss the kids again.
(DOOR OPENS)
What? (DOOR CLOSES)
Are you and Doyle having an affair?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(TIMOTEO IMITATING CAR SOUNDS)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Waiting.
Waiting.
(LINE RINGING)
LOGAN: Hey, there.
Oh, sh**t. Did I wake you up?
I woke you up. It's 2:00 a.m. there.
No, no, no, it's fine. I'm up. Everything okay?
Yeah. I just... Um... What?
I really hate to do this. - What?
Come on. - Um...
Would your father still be willing to put in a good word for me at Conde Nast?
Absolutely. It's okay if he won't.
I mean, I don't know how serious he was.
No, he'll do it for sure.
He does stuff like this all the time for lesser mortals.
I really didn't want to do it this way.
Don't be embarrassed.
I'm not.
Pride's a little hurt. - Well, then get over it.
I'll give you a text when it's done.
Okay? Be happy.
I'm happy. Oops, hold on.
- What? Oh, uh...
I just thought the baby was gonna throw up.
Your life change a lot since I last saw you?
It's Paris' kid. I'm babysitting.
Did you find your lucky outfit, Ace?
There is no sign. (SIGHS) Thank you again.
And thank your father for me.
No problem. Really.
All right, well, I guess I should, uh, let you get back to bed. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, I'll let you know, Ace.
And good luck.
Thanks, Logan.
(SIGHS)
She's great. She's depressing.
RORY: She failed to find a jolly way to tell us that the Pacific Seaboard west of the I-5 was going down.
I always like a spoonful of sugar.
"Consider the Lobster"?
It's a serious subject, but funny and truthful.
JIM: Yeah, that's the camp I'd put you in.
I mean, no one's David Foster Wallace, but there's an erudition to your stuff, and some whimsy, which I like.
I'll cop to that.
Your Talk piece had it. Yeah, it was great.
And all your interviews are spot on.
You're in the piece, but not too much.
So, what are you up to now?
Oh, I, uh... Well, I'm here. (CHUCKLES) Hello.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
And, um...
I'm just finishing up some things.
And, um, I... I'm working on a book proposal.
Oh, cool. What's the book? If you don't mind.
It's actually an expansion of my Talk piece on Naomi Shropshire.
Really?
Wow. Interesting.
Uh, she's a little unhinged, isn't she?
Makes her all the more interesting. What else?
I'm heading back to London in just a couple days.
And there's a website after me.
There must be a million.
So, we've got a couple things floating around.
Mmm-hmm. Some sports stuff.
Well, it would be an outsider's perspective if it's coming from me.
And we prefer that sometimes.
And lines. That's been an elusive one.
Lines? JIM: The ones all over New York.
You pass them all the time. People line up for anything here.
Collectibles, fast food, restaurant openings.
It's the psychology of the group that we're interested in.
You know, what's the commonality?
David Wallace would've nailed it, but so far we haven't.
I love that. I'll confess I've stood in a lot of lines, and it's a thing.
Well, noodle it around a little bit, okay?
And keep in touch?
Definitely.
So nice to meet you.
Here's my cell.
The Talk piece was great. Really.
Thanks, Jim. Denise. Have a good day.
DENISE: You, too.
Don't lose the card.
I won't. Bye.
JIM: Gary, bring the book in here, please.
DENISE: The art department is freaking out.
What else is new?
Oh, and don't forget, you have that cocktail thing at Bemelmans.
Oh, I do. That's tonight? Yeah.
JIM: All right. Have Brad bring me a sandwich.
I can't drink on an empty stomach.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in!
(SIGHS) Sorry, I'm late.
These drive-through coffee places?
Love the concept. But Heather and I?
We're gonna need to rehearse the cup pass a few more times.
Oh, my mom's late, too?
I haven't heard from her. Really?
She doesn't usually pick up the phone when she's driving, but...
(LINE RINGING)
EMILY: Hello?
Oh, Mom, are you on your way?
No, I'm at home.
It's Tuesday.
I know what day it is.
Well, Claudia and I are here. Just the two of us.
Uh, the couch cushions are fluffed. The candle's lit.
I'm quitting. - What?
I'm done. I'm not coming anymore.
Why?
We've had six sessions, and you are no different.
What? - And that woman isn't helping.
Who, Claudia?
She's a dolt.
I don't need to pay someone not to agree with me.
But... - I'm not coming.
Sorry you made the trip. Goodbye.
(SIGHS)
She quit. I'm sorry.
She started this whole damn thing.
It happens.
I just... With no notice.
It's not unusual.
(SCOFFS) She said I was no different.
Me. This wasn't for me. This was for her.
People have expectations when they come in here.
Very often, the reality is different.
What sort of transformation did she expect?
I come in here Lorelai Gilmore, and two months later, I walk out Queen Latifah?
Probably not Queen Latifah.
Oh, she is amazing. (SCOFFS)
She smoked me out, got me here... "I'm no different."
Different than what? She doesn't know who I am.
Are you... Am I...
Staying?
Oh. (SCOFFS) No, I've got a million things to do.
(SIGHS) Oh, okay.
I mean, I should just go, right?
Well, the hour's paid for. Anything you want to talk about?
Uh, no. No, nothing.
Oh, wait, my mother's crazy. Okay, now nothing.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know. It's been kinda weird lately.
How so?
Uh, this whole thing was supposed to be grief therapy.
You know, my mother's grief therapy, because of Dad.
Because of Dad dying... I get it.
It was a stunner. It was a stunner for all of us.
Yeah, she talked about it.
It was just so fast.
I was at the inn, working on the books a little, using the calculator on my phone...
And it rang.
And it was Mom with the news.
He was in the ICU.
Heart att*ck. Big one.
And we hung up.
And my phone went back to being a calculator. (SCOFFS)
It just seemed so unreal.
You can't plan for these things.
And he never got out of the ICU.
He was conscious at times, but in and out.
And he was angry. He was really angry.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH) He couldn't believe it.
He's Richard Gilmore.
This is not how Richard Gilmore goes down. (SIGHS)
You know what his last words were?
No.
"Get the hell away from me." (CHUCKLES)
Aimed at the nurses, not... Not us.
It was actually pretty funny.
And then... (SIGHS)
Just like that.
And I didn't get that moment, you know?
That Lifetime movie moment, "I love you, Lorelai." "I love you too, Dad."
Mom didn't get it either.
Fifty years. - Hmm.
They were married 50 years. (TAKES DEEP BREATH)
(SIGHS)
That thing she said last week, about me and Luke.
About us being partners, because we're not married.
Like we're some sort of comedy team.
Feels like it struck a chord.
My mother strikes more chords than Esa-Pekka Salonen.
Hmm.
Lorelai...
You should know many people have full, lasting emotional relationships without being married.
I know.
Do you want to be married?
I've been married. You didn't know that. To Rory's father.
It was brief.
We have... Had a long, complicated relationship.
And it didn't end badly.
It just ended because it shouldn't have happened.
It was supposed to be Luke.
It was always supposed to be Luke.
If it was always supposed to be Luke...
Then why aren't we married?
(CHUCKLES) Why?
I just don't do things like my mother.
(GRUNTING)
Dinner the other night. What happened?
She att*cked Luke.
How?
With a bag of money. I don't get it.
It was money my father put aside for Luke to spend on something Luke doesn't want.
(SIGHS) That my father can still hover like that.
We're happy.
He's very happy.
Luke and I are... Happy.
(BELL DINGS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Thanks, Luke.
Hey, Caesar, can you get 'em change for me?
Got it.
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
No. Please, no.
(BELL CHIMES) Hello, Luke.
Mrs. Gilmore, hi. What's going on?
Luke, this is Ida. Ida, Luke.
We gotta get started.
We got a lot of ground to cover.
Started on...
EMILY: We're seeing properties. What properties?
Three gems, an in-betweener and a dog with a price I like.
Maybe we should drop the dog.
But it's close by.
If it's the first franchise, Luke can easily zip back and forth.
Zip back and forth?
EMILY: That makes sense. What makes sense?
Are you ready? To do what?
To see your potential franchise locations, of course.
Oh, now, Mrs. Gilmore... Call her Mom.
Uh, didn't Lorelai talk to you about this?
This has nothing to do with Lorelai. This is about you.
Did you lose that card I gave you?
I gave it to Lorelai.
Really? Do you give all your important business cards to Lorelai?
Is she your secretary?
No, but I...
Now I'm assuming you have someone to look after the place while you're gone?
Yes. Caesar. Yep?
Um, uh, can you watch the place for a little while, or do you still have that thing you were going to?
You know, that appointment?
Nope, I'm all yours.
Oh, good. He has a Caesar.
Caesar can run one of the franchises.
Run what? IDA: You got any other Caesars?
No, just the one.
You'll need a couple more. Let's hit the road.
I gotta confirm all this stuff.
(BELL CHIMES)
Is that the shirt you wear on business outings?
Yeah.
There's blood on it.
Nah, that's jelly.
I'll be right back.
If I'm running something, I'm gonna need a raise.
(BELL DINGS) MAN: Order up!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
This place is still open. So?
It's not available. Everything's available.
It's kind of a bad neighborhood.
It's an up-and-coming neighborhood.
It's gonna explode.
See? Up-and-coming.
No, they illegally tapped their gas.
It's literally going to explode.
So, what can I do for you folks?
I'm really sorry about this.
Ida Friedman. Sam Duncan.
So nice to meet you, Sam.
Sam is four months behind in his payments.
The marshal's already sniffing around.
Excellent. I'm really sorry about this.
It all has to go.
The bankruptcy court'll take it anyway.
He won't have a pot to piss in.
What must the bathrooms look like?
Dresden after the bombings is my guess.
It needs to be lighter. White paint, yellow accents.
Oh, and look at that ridiculous clock.
IDA: Ugh.
You thought the second place was a possibility?
In the maybe column.
But you'd have to blow out the back...
You'd have to. But that's totally doable.
But permits take forever.
Why, you put an Andrew Jackson in the right hands, and they'll stir your soup for you.
I deal with these things every day.
And Luke, are you good with putting number two in the maybe column?
Number two? Number two.
You'd have to blow out the back of the building.
He's in default. He doesn't get to complain.
Yeah, blow it out. That sounds good.
Okay, so, Luke is good with number two. Hold on.
Well, he'd be crazy not to be.
So that's four good possibilities.
No, three plus a maybe.
When do you start negotiating? Like, yesterday.
Everything's a negotiation. Let's get started.
You're in good hands. Okay.
I think we're gonna squeeze in one more place.
Don't you have that thing you gotta get to today?
What thing? Your therapy with Lorelai?
You don't want to miss that.
Oh, I stopped that a week ago.
Oh, right. Right.
She didn't tell you?
No. No, she told me.
She never told you.
Oh, here we are.
Oh, it's cute.
It's shaped like a teacup.
And it's near a prison.
Just closin' up, fellas.
Hi. I know you're sick of hearing this, but this movie, History of v*olence?
Viggo Mortensen is you.
He's totally you.
I know. You've said it before.
Seriously, David Cronenberg owes you money.
He must have dropped by the diner, got inspired, and turned you into this ex-thug guy.
Rack your brain. He must have been in.
I don't know what he looks like.
Or maybe Viggo Mortensen came by... MAN ON TV: Coffee!
Observed you and called Cronenberg with the idea. They're very close.
You know what Viggo Mortensen looks like.
Like looking in a mirror.
You okay?
(TAKES DEEP BREATH) Yeah, just tired.
Wanna order in? I can whip something up.
All right, start whipping.
Hmm. Hey, uh, how was therapy today?
(TAKES DEEP BREATH) Same old, same old.
My mother did most of the talking, as usual.
Right.
It's a fancy shirt. Did you go to the bank?
Yeah. Yeah, the bank.
They like collars. They like collars.
(WHIMPERING ON TV)
All right, I'll get changed. Cool.
(INHALES SHARPLY) Oh, I love this scene.
But I can't watch this scene.
(MAN YELLS ON TV)
But I love this scene.
This is Poppy Corn, and this is Taco Terrie.
Oh, hi, Clementina.
Oh, Paris is not home.
Oh, no, I know. She told me I could hang out here when I'm in the city.
If you want, I could watch the kids.
- And you could go rest upstairs. Not upstairs.
Oh! Or you could go out for a while.
Okay. Thank you.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Bye, babies.
Hello?
MAN: Yes, I'm calling for Rory Gilmore.
Speaking.
Ms. Gilmore, my name is Robert Castellanos.
I'm an attorney representing Naomi Shropshire.
Yes?
This is just a courtesy call.
My firm is preparing paperwork you'll soon receive dissolving the contract on your book project with Ms. Shropshire.
What a shock.
Excuse me?
May I ask why she's doing this?
Let's just say she's unhappy.
Well, let me save you some time. There is no contract.
I was doing this on spec, so there's nothing to dissolve.
Ms. Shropshire would also like all of your notes back.
What notes? All she did was babble.
And Ms. Shropshire would like you to sign a letter waiving all rights to the "whale and mouse" idea.
Fine. It wasn't exactly the next Cloud Atlas.
So you'll sign this?
Yes. And it was a rabbit, not a mouse.
Says here it was a mouse.
I'll be sure to collect all my doodles of martini glasses and hangman ropes.
All the blank pages I have, I'll get 'em to you by tomorrow.
Just text me where to send them.
(SIGHS)
She's a drunk!
Jim Nelson. RORY: Jim, hi.
Um, sorry for the spontaneity here and for calling your cell.
This is Rory Gilmore. Do you have a quick second?
Oh, sure. What's up?
Give me lines, the story that's been floating around.
Right, right, we talked about that.
Yes, I think I have a take on it.
A good one. Let me take a cr*ck.
(CHUCKLES) I'm loving the confidence.
I'm super confident.
But I'm afraid I don't have any money to play with here.
No, this would be on spec.
Just let me at it and I will come in and show you what I've got. No strings.
Do it. Dummy it up for me or come in and pitch. This is great.
Thanks. I'll call your office when I'm ready.
Talk to you later.
Bye. (SIGHS)
Okay. Okay.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(VOCALIZING)
Hi.
RORY: Hi! I was calling you fr o m all my phones.
Why didn't you pick up?
I didn't recognize any of those numbers.
- Mom, you have my numbers. (PHONE BEEPS)
You have, like, 14 numbers. I can't keep track.
One of the burners - is still trying to reach me.
Oh, sorry.
Well, I was just calling to let you know I won't be back tomorrow. because I'm working on a story here in the city.
Oh! I thought you were coming back and then flying to London to see Naomi.
I'm not working on the Naomi thing anymore. I've got a new thing.
So no more book?
No more book. Catch up.
Ooh. Crabby Rory alert.
I'm not crabby. I'm pumped.
- I'm feeling my oats. Share the oats.
It's for GQ. Oh, my God, you're at Conde Nast.
No. Still catching up?
I'm gonna write a piece that's gonna knock their socks off at GQ.
And those are people who care about their socks.
They don't get them in bunches of three at the street fair, I reckon.
It's about lines in New York, about the people who stand in line for countless hours for what seems like minimal payout.
It's about the people, their goals, their dreams.
I love this. - So do I.
The Naomi thing was a waste of valuable time, but I'm just going with the flow here.
Well, it's always good to go...
Making things happen.
Getting proactive. It's time to turn that corner.
I knew you could...
Just turning the page. New leaf here.
Are you tap dancing?
And scaring the kids a little.
So, you're not upset about the book?
Uh, not in the least.
Okay. Well, do you want company?
Yes! Oh, yes!
Ha! I've been working seven-day weeks.
I'd love a New York overnight.
Company would be great. I would love company.
New York, here we come.
Be thinking about lines. Like Scarface?
- Wrong lines. I'll adjust.
Gotta go.
It's showtime!
Ooh! Sweet baby Jesus, it's early.
Don't walk with your eyes closed.
Trust me, plowing into the scaffolding and falling backwards over the Citi Bike showed me the folly of that.
You're gonna be on New York 1.
Well, if they make me look bad, I'm gonna punch Pat Kiernan right in the mansack.
Is this Cronuts?
This is being hailed as the new Cronut.
How does the old Cronut feel about that? Threatened.
What time does it open? Not for two hours.
Holy spumoni.
I'm gonna start talking to people.
These are people? They look like a bunch of meat sticks with head balls.
Do you maybe wanna find us some coffee?
Yes! Coffee.
No, wait. That way is zombie McDonald's. Go the other way.
I would fit in there.
Too risky. Hit a street cart.
On it!
(SIGHS)
Excuse me. Yeah.
I'm doing a piece for GQ. Would you be willing to talk to me?
Sure. I definitely have time.
(CHUCKLES) What brings you here today?
Well, I love pastry. And I'm a big Yelper, so I try to get to things before anyone else.
I was one of the first people to try a Cronut, and it was kind of a religious experience.
I went back a couple times, then a couple times more.
And now I'm pretty much always on the hunt for the next thing, which is weird, 'cause I used to be tenaciously old-school.
Donut Pub, Peter Pan, Vesuvio's.
I would make fun of people in lines like this, but I mean, why not wait in line, get a good treat, and meet a bunch of people that have the same...
(HORN HONKS) What happened?
MAN: Don't know.
You were out for a while.
I'm just really tired. Sorry.
Where did you get that?
I ran around the corner. The chef guy was taking out the trash.
I chatted him up a little, and I got him to sneak a bunch of these out to me.
You can't do that. Why not?
These people will tear you apart.
I'm starving.
Hide that. Don't let them see it.
I'm gonna take a little bite. Me, too.
Just a little one. To keep my energy up.
So three of you work, you're retired?
And I'm too old to be doing this.
And you have three kids, so this is a sacrifice as well as a pleasure.
Everyone needs a hobby, right?
Here.
MAN: Where'd you get a hot dog at 7:30?
The guy had his cart.
It wasn't open, but I waved some bills, danced around a little.
Oh, God, is it really 7:30? (SIGHS) I have to go.
Before you get your Cro-dough-cake?
That's the name? Really?
Breaks my heart, but my boss is in today.
Good luck.
Psst, hey, kid, let me hook you up.
Are you kidding?
I don't kid about a Cro-dough-cake.
Take one.
Oh! Bless you. Bye. (CHUCKLES)
What? We had extra.
So, I know there's a real pecking order for tennis shoes.
Yeah, totally. And these are out of a company in LA.
What else is on your wish list?
I'd say, like, any of the wear-test samples.
Vintage but never worn. Those are impossible to find.
Yeah. My uncle actually has a pair of the original black and red Jordan 1's with the tag still on them.
Right, so these aren't necessarily for wearing.
No way.
Ugh, boy, does it smell like pot over here.
Welcome back. Seriously, around the corner, it was like I bumped into a nine-foot joint.
People in this line would eat the people on the other line.
What do you have there? Shoes.
What shoes? The ones everyone's waiting for.
They're pretty cool. I think they light up.
How did you get those?
Marcy, the girl I gave the Cro-dough-cake to, works there.
(SIGHS) Of course. (CHUCKLES)
RORY: Excuse me, I'm working on a story for GQ...
Is this our next spot?
This was not on the agenda.
(GASPS) We just happened on this line?
Let's find out what it's for.
Excuse me, what are you waiting for?
I don't know.
RORY: Mystery? LORELAI: Definitely.
Here's the front.
RORY: Hey, so what are you guys in line for?
Nothing. We're just eating lunch.
They're not even waiting for stuff.
Should we tell them?
Nah.
LORELAI: (LAUGHS) Hey, these shoes are very comfortable.
So, what is this again?
Sad, pathetic geeks? Limited-edition toys.
Do you wanna say that a little louder?
(SOFTLY) Sorry.
It's video games, movie tie-in stuff.
There's nothing here I want.
Well, you didn't come to shop. You came to hang out with me.
Mommy's feet are getting sore.
She's been very strong today.
Mommy is tiring.
Head back to the hotel, Mommy.
Really?
Yes, you were a big girl today.
I do have some work to do.
So go do it, and take a bath and order room service.
I won't be long. Okay, good.
Ooh, nice costumes.
Thanks.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Hi.
Did I fall asleep?
I guess I fell asleep. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, great hotel. Great bed. No Lifetime channel.
Good room service, though. Twenty-four hours.
You hungry? Wow, you look weird. What's wrong?
I slept with a Wookiee!
Come again? I slept with a Wookiee.
(TURNS TV OFF) (GROANS SOFTLY)
You slept with a... Wookiee! Wookiee!
I slept with a Wookiee! Don't make me keep saying it.
I'm sorry. I'm just not getting this here.
I was in that collectibles line.
Nothing good can follow that statement.
(SIGHS) And I was interviewing people, and then, you know, the line moved up, and I kind of bonded with this one group, and I tagged along with them to P.J. Clarke's.
We had burgers, and drinks, and more drinks, and then there was this guy... The Wookiee?
He was a guy dressed in a Wookiee costume.
He wasn't a Wookiee. Got it. Go on.
He was nice. I was laughing. He was laughing.
They have that very deep laugh.
He was laughing in his own voice. Mmm.
And then he invited me back to his place.
And if you say, "Did you take the Millennium Falcon?"
I'm gonna smack you. I said nothing.
I can't believe this. Calm down...
(SIGHS) A one-night stand. I just had a one-night stand. My first one-night stand.
It's only a one-night stand if you're not gonna see him again.
Are you gonna see him again?
He was wearing a Wookiee costume.
No, I'm not gonna see him again.
Well, that seems a little harsh.
A one-night stand.
I'm 32, and I'm only now having a one-night stand?
It's your first one, huh?
Yes. Wow.
Why? I thought that's what college was for.
Exactly. I'm behind. I mean, how many have you had?
Wookiees? One-night stands.
Oh. None. None?
Yeah, none. How can that be?
Well, mom at 16, for starters. Hot in Outlander, but elsewhere...
And I had you, and rules, and work, and rules.
I had a couple three-night stands, if that helps.
Oh, perfect. I'm behind on everything.
No, you're not. (SCOFFS) Really?
I have no career, no apartment, but boy, oh, boy, can I bang out a one-night stand.
You're too hard on yourself.
My love life is a disaster.
Did you not break up with Pete yet?
I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about...
Who?
You know. No, who?
You know. - No, I don't know.
Logan. Huntzberger?
You really didn't know?
No. Since when?
Whenever I'm in London, I stay with him.
So there's no Didi?
He's Didi.
Logan Huntzberger. (SCOFFS)
I thought he was engaged to that French heiress.
He is. Oh.
They don't live together. She lives in Paris.
But they're engaged.
(SIGHS) Yes.
And they're getting married.
Yes.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH) Well, if it makes you feel any better, that's way sluttier than a one-night stand.
That helps. Thanks. Does Patrick know?
Paul! Paul! His name is Paul! And he doesn't know.
All right, calm down.
And I'm blowing everything. My life, my career...
I'm flailing, and I don't have a plan, or a list, or a clue.
(STAMMERS) This is karma.
This is why Conde Nast will not follow up with me.
Because they know failure when it walks in the door.
I never found my lucky outfit. I needed that outfit.
It gives me confidence.
What is your lucky outfit?
Red dress, full skirt.
(GASPS) That's in my closet.
Are you kidding me?
No! It looks cute with boots.
Mom, you knew I was looking for that outfit.
Really? That red? It'll wash you out.
Great. So, not only did you steal my lucky outfit, you've now ruined the image I had of me in my outfit.
Thanks a lot.
Come here. Sit.
What is happening here?
This isn't you.
Panicking, lying... I didn't lie.
Ah, you didn't tell me about Logan.
What's with not telling me about stuff?
I don't know.
What did you think I would do if you told me about Logan?
I don't know. I just...
I'm feeling very lost these days.
This past year, it's like the ground's made of straw.
I'm just gonna fall through.
Look, life has been pretty good to you so far.
It was your turn for a few curveballs. Peaks and valleys, kid.
The older you get, the more you have.
That whole line story was so stupid.
I just did it because they thought it was interesting.
I didn't have a b*at on it. I didn't feel it.
I'm just a big, fat, Wookiee-humping loser with no future.
Now, wait, wait. What about that website?
The one that's been after you forever, begging you to come work for them?
BrendaBlabs? SandeeSays.
Go there.
Have you seen it? Who cares?
Go. Work. Be wanted. Be adored.
So it's not the Washington Post. You're young. You've got time.
I'm not so young.
Hey! I'm young. You're young. Case closed.
Yeah.
Give them a call.
You haven't had anything steady in forever.
Stay in one place for a while.
Plus they've been stalking you.
That feels good a little, doesn't it?
(SIGHS) Yeah. It's flattering.
So, give them a call.
I will give them a call.
Want me to order some comfort food?
Some pot roast, mashed potatoes, banana split?
Sure.
I'm just gonna take a shower, get the Wookiee smell off me.
(GASPS) Wait, seriously. Did he leave the outfit on?
That's a conversation for another day.
Can that day be tomorrow?
Because you don't wanna leave me and my imagination alone with that for too long!
RORY: Order! (DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
Here we are, the nerve center.
Very cool. Simple.
Oh, we don't decorate much.
We're expanding so fast, there's no reason to.
We'll outgrow this place within a month.
I don't waste money. My CFO appreciates it.
Say hello to her. This is Patrice.
Hi, Patrice.
Rory Gilmore. The one I was telling you about.
We have no individual offices. Not even me.
We work best in a hive, buzzing around each other, making word honey.
Interesting.
When you come in the morning, you grab the nearest spot at the communal table.
No hierarchy.
And together we storm the barricades.
Exactly.
Uh, so I didn't know I'd be getting a tour from Sandee herself.
I thought my first stop would be HR.
Oh, HR still means homeroom to half the peeps here.
We don't even have it. Come, sit.
Okay. - Need Red Bull.
So, let's do this.
Yes. That is why I'm here. Should I have brought my laptop?
Well, first things first.
If I take a chance on Rory Gilmore, what am I getting?
What? - If I hire you, tell me what Rory Gilmore would write about for SandeeSays.
Oh. If I worked here?
Sell me.
Sell? Okay, we're selling. Um...
That's a totally different outfit.
Hmm?
Um, if I worked here, you'd be getting the person who wrote the New Yorker article you liked so much.
Yeah, but that's the New Yorker. We're not the New Yorker.
Look around, everyone's got their hair.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, right.
Um, sorry. I just didn't have a pitch prepared.
That's a little weird. Thought you'd bring some ideas.
Don't get me wrong. I have ideas.
Like?
Um, stuff about the world, uh... (CHUCKLES) Culture...
Pretty generic. You got anything specific?
You want specifics. I'd love some.
Well, let's see.
There could be something in, um, girls who go to Comic-Con type things and sleep with characters.
Character-loving girls.
That sounds obscure. Very made-up.
Yes, it does.
So you're talking about loser girls.
Like, they get drunk and they do something stupid.
We've done that story a bunch of times. Different takes on it.
I thought you knew our site.
Oh, I do. And you're right. I wouldn't want to repeat that.
Oh, sh**t.
Ugh, I've just been called into an emergency meeting.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Hello?
So, hi, it's Sandee.
Hello.
So, really appreciate you coming in for the job, but I've decided we're gonna go internal.
What?
On the staff writing job? Uh, we're going with one of our veterans, Kaitlynn.
She's been here two months.
But it's an editing job.
Oh, wow, no. We're really picky about those.
And you basically promised me the job was mine.
You were a candidate.
What about "we gotta have Rory Gilmore's voice at SandeeSays"?
You've been saying that for a year.
I think Kaitlynn's going to be that for us.
A girl named Kaitlynn is going to be the voice of Rory Gilmore?
Are you high? Don't be hostile.
I'm a little pissed here.
I get it. You got your hopes up.
No, you got my hopes up. For a job that I didn't even want.
SANDEE: Oh, real nice.
So you just felt like wasting my time.
No, you wasted my time.
Hey, I'm the CEO here. My time's a little more valuable.
And another thing.
It's weird that you have three different cell numbers.
Super weird.
It's not. One is a work-only phone.
The other is family-only, except when I'm in Stars Hollow and there's no reception, so I have to use the family phone for work.
The other one is for friends, and sometimes work when it's overcast and I'm in Stars Hollow and the other two phones stop working!
Get a better phone! Get a better office!
Get a better attitude! Get a better life!
Get lost! Get... Shorty!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV) (DOOR OPENS)
(RORY PANTING)
Moving home!
WOMAN SINGING ON TV: ♪ Nothing's impossible I have found
♪ For when my chin is on the ground
♪ I pick myself up, dust myself off
♪ Start all over again
♪ Don't lose your confidence if you slip
♪ Be grateful for a pleasant trip ♪
08x02 - A Year in the Life: Spring
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A drama centering around the relationship between a thirtysomething single mother and her teen daughter living in Stars Hollow, Connecticut.
A drama centering around the relationship between a thirtysomething single mother and her teen daughter living in Stars Hollow, Connecticut.