05x13 - Mary Has A Little Lamb

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Dorothy.

Oh, hi, Ma.

Listen to this.

"If I were truly free, O fire of my loins..." "I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, "bronzed body against pearl body, locked together in a frenzy of love." Ma, who wrote that?!

Merrill Kellogg.

Merrill...

Who's he?

Ask Blanche.

It's her letter.

This is from that guy in prison that Blanche has been writing to.

How are you gonna explain this opened letter to Blanche?

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

Morning, girls.

Good morning, Blanche.

Rose opened your letter.

Blanche, I didn't.

It's no problem, honey.

It's just another one of those letters from Merrill.

I would read it to you anyway - they're not personal.

Not personal?

The man said he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.

Sure.

And I wrote him I want to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two magnolia trees - you know that couldn't possibly happen.

Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds...

Shut up, Rose.

These letters are just a fantasy.

The man is in prison for the next 20 years for armed robbery.

Blanche, I don't think it's right to lead the guy on like that.

Why not?

The poor man is surrounded by concrete and bars.

What's wrong with bringing a little joy into his life?

Nothing at all.

Back in St.

Olaf, our justice system is very progressive.

Their motto was, "Use a g*n, go apologize."

(doorbell)

(both)

I'll get it.

Mary, honey!

Hi, Dorothy.

Hey, welcome, stranger.

Come in here and sit down.

So how've you been doing?

Tell me, sweetheart, you having fun in high school?

It's OK.

Oh, I loved high school.

It seems like only yesterday - riding around with the boys in their cars, and the dances...

Don't forget the Hindenburg disaster.

Ma, look who's here.

Oh!

So, Mary, when's the baby due?

Ma, you're talking to a 16-year-old girl.

A knocked-up 16-year-old girl.

Ma, how did you know?

Because you had the same look of panic on your face when you got pregnant.

Kind of like a deer caught in the headlights of a car.

I thought only pregnant teenagers had that expression, until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.

I can't believe it.

It was only yesterday you were selling us cookies.

Now she's giving them away.

Mary, honey, have you told your father?

I tried, but since Mom d*ed, I don't know, we're just on different wavelengths.

Well, honey, what about the baby's father?

After all, it's his responsibility, too.

We broke up.

And besides, he's away at college now.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

My father kicked me out.

I got so many things I gotta figure out.

I guess I gotta get a job and a place to stay.

Oh, Mary, look, you have too many things to figure out.

Why don't you stay here with us, until we can all decide what to do?

Absolutely.

Really?

Yes, we'll take care of you.

I don't know how to thank you.

Now, you come into the kitchen with me, honey.

I'll get you some pickles and ice cream.

Oh, no, thanks.

I don't have any strange cravings yet.

Strange?

I cannot believe her father could be so mean.

Not half as mean as his dog Samson.

Did I ever tell you what that dog did to my friend Ida Silverman?

No.

What?

He ate her.

Gobbled her up without a trace, support hose and all.

Ma, Ida's daughter told me she moved to Fort Lauderdale.

The woman's in denial.

I saw that dog with Ida's blue scarf in his mouth, and no one has seen her since.

Ma, what does Fred's dog have to do with this?

It's a known fact that dogs take on the personality traits of their masters.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, yeah?

Then why does your brother Phil's poodle like to wear that tutu and hop around on his hind legs?

Oh, come on, Ma.

I mean, Phil would look pretty stupid doing that by himself.

Rose.

Oh, Rose!

Blanche, what's wrong?

I never finished reading this letter from Merrill till just now.

Read that last paragraph.

"My sentence has been overturned on a technicality.

"I'm getting out on the 21st.

Now, finally, we can make all our dreams come true." Isn't that terrible?

He's written catchier stuff, but I wouldn't call it terrible.

I'm not asking for a literary critique, you dweeb!

Merrill gets out on the 21st - that's tomorrow.

But isn't that great news?

You can finally meet him.

I don't want to meet him!

I don't want him coming here - the man's a convict.

Oh, so Blanche's pen pal is getting out.

Gee, that's gonna be rough.

I bet after ten years in the jug, he's gonna be pretty short on foreplay.

(knock on door)

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

I brought you an extra blanket.

Thank you.

Seems like old times, huh?

I love this house.

I love this room.

I just feel so safe here.

After I'd visit Mom in the hospital, I always was so glad to come back here.

Now here I am again.

Only, this time I'm pregnant.

It's funny, huh?

What's that, honey?

It's just that I have another human being inside of me, and I've never felt more alone.

Mary, that's why you have to talk to your father.

No way.

Listen, this is the most difficult thing for a father to accept.

What, that I'm a grown woman?

But you're not a grown woman.

Just because the plumbing's in doesn't mean the house is ready to occupy.

I think I know what you're getting at.

Good, because I really didn't make that up myself.

I heard it on This Old House.

Well, I tried talking to my father, but he just went all crazy when I told him.

That's what fathers do - they yell and they barbecue.

That's what separates them from the apes.

What did your father do when he found out you were pregnant?

He chased Stan for three blocks with a salami.

How come?

They don't leave marks.

When he finally cooled down, he realized that he loved me more than anything in the world - which was lucky for me, because I never needed him more than I did then.

I don't think that's gonna happen with my dad.

Oh, you never know.

Fathers can surprise you sometimes.

Dorothy?

You remember when Mom was sick, you used to stay with me until I fell asleep?

And I used to hold your hand...

Ma, what are you doing?

Merrill called.

He's coming over.

I'm hiding all our valuables.

Why?

Why?

You think the man went to prison for free coveralls and some male bonding?

(doorbell)

Quick, give me a hand with the TV.

Oh, Ma!

I cannot believe that Merrill is a dangerous criminal.

I mean, you've read his letters.

They're beautiful.

They're poetic, almost lyrical.

You can be sure he's a real gentleman.

I want Blanche.

Break out the finger sandwiches.

Mr.

Astaire looks like he's hungry.

I'm Merrill.

Are you Blanche?

No.

How about you, cutie?

Boy, this guy's done hard time!

No, Blanche isn't here, and she won't be back for a long, long time.

That's all right.

I've been in prison ten years.

I'm real good at waiting.

Uh...

Can I get you something, Merrill?

No.

Uh, those were lovely letters that you wrote to Blanche, Merrill.

No, I didn't write 'em.

Walter, the guy in the next cell, did.

Wrote 'em to Harley, the night guard.

He's hoping to round himself up a date for movie night.

I just copied the letters and changed "Dearest Harley" to "Dearest Blanche." Well, you did make a small contribution, Merrill.

Call me Moose - that's my nickname.

What a coincidence!

That was Dorothy's nickname in elementary school.

Remember, Dorothy?

No, I don't.

Look, Moose...

(both)

What?

We don't know where Blanche is.

That's right.

She could be gone for hours.

Days.

I mean, it could be weeks before she gets back.

We're back!

Oh, we found some terrific bargains.

Mary, why don't you go try something on and show Dorothy and Sophia.

Well!

Dorothy, you didn't tell me you were expecting company.

This is Merrill.

Oh.

Well, how are you, Merrill?

Merrill!

Actually, he's more a friend of Blanche's.

We were just explaining to Merrill that there's no telling when Blanche will be back.

Oh, Lord, no.

There's no use waiting around.

You wouldn't like Blanche anyway.

She's not your type.

That's right.

She isn't.

She's very cold.

Frigid.

Hardly likes men at all.

And she's ugly.

Isn't she?

"Ugly" is a pretty strong word, Rose.

And wrinkled.

Isn't she?

She is not wrinkled.

And fat.

Stop that!

You just stop that right now.

She is none of those things, Rose Nylund.

She is gorgeous.

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

All right, all right.

Sounds good.

Tell Blanche I'll be back.

And stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Well, I'm off.

I'll be checking in for messages.

Take care of the house for me.

Where are you gonna go?

I'll be staying with my friend Janet.

She said I could spend the night there anytime.

Or was it her husband Ed who said that?

I just had a thought.

Congratulations.

Way to go.

Maybe we should sign Mary up for some natural childbirth classes.

That's not a bad idea.

I wish I'd known about them when I was pregnant.

I didn't know what to do, except scream at Stan never to touch me again and call him every name in the book.

Rough labor?

Rough conception.

Oh, she doesn't need those classes.

I think women ought to have babies the way God intended - strapped to a table, numb from the neck down.

Let me ask a question.

So, how much responsibility are we taking on ourselves here?

Oh, Ma, what are you talking about?

We can't just abandon her.

The girl needs a roof over her head, guidance, emotional support.

It's not up to us.

It's up to her father.

Oh, I tried talking to him.

He won't answer his phone calls or the messages that I leave in his mailbox.

First he lets his dog eat Ida, now this.

I'm mad as hell!

Let's go over there.

No, Ma, Ma, I don't think you should go.

This is a very sensitive situation, and it's gonna take a little patience and understanding.

That's perfect.

All I have is a little patience and understanding.

All right, all right.

But when we get there, remember we are trying to make peace.

So whatever you do, don't bring up Ida.

I won't - as long as the dog doesn't.

Hello, Fred.

Hello, Dorothy.

Mrs.

Petrillo.

Why haven't you returned my calls?

There's nothing to talk about.

We're not going away, Fred.

All right, come in.

Have a seat.

Uh...

excuse me.

Has he eaten?

Don't worry.

He won't hurt you.

Fred, I think I know how you feel about Mary.

No, you don't.

You feel, because Mary went out and got herself pregnant, she's a slut.

Well, let me tell you what a slut is.

It's someone who gets knocked up in the back seat of a Studebaker at a drive-in movie.

It was a Studebaker, wasn't it, Dorothy?

It was a Nash, Ma.

Now, that's a slut.

Doggy, I don't know if you noticed, I'm all skin and bones.

Oh, I shouldn't say "bones." Now where was I?

You were humiliating me.

Yeah, right, the slut.

And after all she did to me, did I turn her out?

You tried, Ma.

But did she go?

No.

And look at us today.

No one could love a daughter more.

Thanks, Ma.

So what if I don't respect her.

You've got a lot of nerve coming in here telling me how to raise my daughter.

You have no idea what I'm going through.

(barks)

I gotta get outta here.

Don't worry about the dog.

He's just playing.

Yeah, right.

What did you do with Ida?

(barks)

Samson.

Fred, what Ma was trying to say is that you can't just throw Mary out.

I didn't throw her out.

She walked out.

That's not how Mary tells it.

We got into a fight.

Who remembers who said what?

That's not the point.

Fred, I remember how scared I felt when I found out I was pregnant.

And you know what my biggest fear was?

That my father would hate me.

Oh, God, was he angry - and was I scared.

It was a long time before he'd accept the situation, and, Fred, until he did, I only had one parent.

Right now, Mary doesn't have any parents.

You talk like I did something wrong.

What can I say that'll make you understand?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm too stupid.

Fine, then maybe there is something I can say.

And I want to apologize for this story before I begin.

Have you ever heard of a little town called St.

Olaf?

No.

Perfect.

Now, as it was told to me - and I have to admit that I wasn't listening that closely - there was this farmer named Nils Nibelung, and he had a pig named Brunhilde, and she won all the blue ribbons at all the county fairs.

Well, Nils also had a daughter named Fricka, and she won red ribbons - usually as runner-up to the pig.

Does this story have a point?

You asked that at just the right time.

Anyway, one April, Nils decided to breed Brunhilde - that's the pig, not the daughter - and he chose April because that's when pigs are at their most beautiful and desirable.

Unfortunately, so was Fricka.

So while Brunhilde and the pig were doing their thing, Fricka and the local pig breeder were doing theirs.

God, I hope I got the names right.

Anyway, when Nils heard about it, he banished Fricka from his house and his life forever.

So?

So...

after a while he lost interest in the pig's company and he ate her.

And he d*ed St. Olaf's loneliest man.

Is that the end of the story?

God, I hope so.

I don't get it.

Fred, let me put it this way.

She is 16, she's scared, and she's carrying your grandchild.

Do you really want to abandon her?

Anybody home?

Oh, I thought you were gonna spend the night at Janet's.

On the way over there, I got to thinking, is there really any reason for me to be running away from Merrill?

I mean, the man has paid his debt to society, hasn't he?

After all, is there any man on earth I can't handle?

Well, I got nowhere with Fred.

And Ma was no help - there is no way to control her mouth.

Oh, my God!

(shrieking)

What happened?

What's the matter?

Who did this to you?

The Sandinistas.

(Rose gasps)

Why would they do this?

Because I knew too much.

Merrill did this about an hour ago.

Merrill?

Ma, are you all right?

What did Merrill do?

He came looking for Blanche.

I held out as long as I could.

Oh, my God!

How did he make you talk?

I think it was the white wine.

I finally told him she was Blanche and she didn't want anything to do with him.

What did he say?

He said he wanted to have something to remember you by.

So he took the silver.

Oh!

At least it's some consolation that he couldn't possibly find the secret place where I hide my jewelry.

Oh.

Did I mention there was wine and music?

(phone rings)

I'll get it.

Hello?

Merrill!

My God!

Where are you?

Jail?

Well, they only allow you one phone call, and you called me?

What?

I'm wearing a green silk pant suit.

Underneath?

Well...

Oh, give me that!

(doorbell)

Fred!

Hi, I thought I'd stop by since I was in the neighborhood.

Fred, you live in the neighborhood.

Right, Well, I wanted to come by and see...

Mary.

Hi, Daddy.

How're you doing?

I'm doing OK.

Good.

Look, Mary, I've been talking to Dorothy, and she really made sense.

It doesn't matter who's right or wrong.

Why don't you just come home... and we'll work it out?

Sounds good.

Thank you, guys, for everything.

Don't you be a stranger now.

Don't worry.

I'll come back tomorrow and get the rest of my stuff.

Let us know how you're doing.

Don't forget, Tuesday we have mime class.

Mime class?

The Lamaze class was all filled up.

Well, we'll see you soon.

And, Dorothy, thanks for all your help.

Maybe we can get together soon and you can tell me all about that St. Olaf.

Sounds like a good place to raise a daughter.

I was desperate!