05x10 - All That Jazz

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Mmm!

Morning!

Morning.

Dorothy, taste this.

Mmm!

Oh, Ma, that's wonderful.

Yeah, smells fine to me.

I don't know why they're recalling it.

Good morning.

Morning, Rose.

Wait, there's something different about you.

Didn't you used to have a neck?

It's tension.

It always goes to the same place.

(sighs)

My shoulder's tight and my neck gets stiff and I can't turn my head.

You mean you can't move your neck at all?

No.

Look out, behind you!

Hey, you gotta make your own fun around here.

Honey, what's making you so tense?

It's my job, all the pressure.

What's the big deal?

You're just working for a consumer reporter - you're not actually on TV yourself.

Well, it is a big deal.

All those consumers are depending on me to do a good job.

If I'm not careful, people could get hurt or cheated.

Look, it's Jimmy Smits!

Ma, stop that.

(doorbell)

Rose, you're gonna have to learn how to take care of that stress.

You can't walk around in agony.

She's right.

For a bad neck, you get into bed, lie perfectly still and wait until it's over.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

That's not a bad neck, that's bad sex.

Hi, Mom.

Michael!

Michael!

I can't believe it.

Oh, honey, it is so good to see you.

Everybody, Michael is here.

Look, Rose, it's Michael.

I'm not falling for that again.

Hi, Blanche.

Rose.

Oh, Grandma, you look more beautiful than ever.

Relax, you're already in the will.

Now come give me a hug.

Honey, Michael, I thought you were touring with that band.

Great news, Ma.

I quit.

You quit?

You just got the job two weeks ago.

I know, but I feel like I'm in a rut.

Michael, how are you gonna support your wife?

More good news - Lorraine and I separated.

Sep...

What do you mean?

He means he and Lorraine aren't living together.

I know what he means.

It's just a breather - give each other space.

She threw you out, didn't she?

She changed the locks and everything.

I mean, she even tossed all my clothes out the window.

You can't imagine what it's like, searching for underwear in the back of a convertible.

Tell me about it.

Michael, couldn't you have tried to make it work before you just walked away?

I tried - God knows, I tried - but Ma, she didn't understand who I am.

She didn't understand I'm a free spirit.

And that's why I like to come home - 'cause you understand me.

It's not just because I do your laundry?

Michael, we were just having breakfast.

Would you join us?

That's the best offer I've had all morning.

You know, it wouldn't hurt if you backed your kid up more.

Oh, Ma, it's just that I hate to see Michael making all the wrong choices.

You know what I mean?

How could I know?

My children made all the right choices.

My son was a cross-dresser, my daughter was unmarried and pregnant.

Hell, I was the Rose Kennedy of Brooklyn!

Rose!

Honey, it's three in the morning!

Why are you staring at those light bulbs?

I'm running a consumer test for work.

I have to see which one of these lasts longer.

Rose, you ninny, don't you know staring at light bulbs for hours is bad for your eyes?

Hey, instead of worrying about my eyes, I'd be more concerned with those purple spots all over your face.

Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche.

I'm frazzled.

Not only is this due tomorrow, but I have to make sure this watch really is waterproof.

Honey, why don't you take the watch off your wrist?

Come on, Blanche!

Then I'd have my hand in a bucket of water for nothing.

Rose, listen.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way but you are driving us crazy.

Now, you've got to get some sleep.

How?

There is no way I can relax when I'm so anxious about these work deadlines.

Learn to relax.

I learned how to relax in any situation on that meditation retreat.

You went on a meditation retreat?

Yeah.

Was it successful?

Oh, yes.

By the end of the week 17 men were using my name as a mantra.

OK, how do you meditate?

Well, just shut your eyes.

Now breathe deeply.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Good.

I can't.

I'm too wound up.

Blanche!

Which one went out first?

Beats me.

Oh, great.

Now what am I gonna tell Enrique Mas tomorrow?

You are going to tell him that you are overworked.

I can't tell him that.

He'll think I can't do the job.

You can't do it, Rose - not like this.

Now, you talk to him and tell him you have too much to do.

If it means your job, it means your job.

Honey, you can't go on like this - you'll die.

Or we'll k*ll you.

Well, I'll think about it, Blanche.

But I'm telling you, I'm not ready to give up the most challenging, exciting job I've ever had.

Ma, Ma, listen to this.

"Saxophone player wanted at the Hacienda Hut cocktail lounge." What do you think?

I guess I could learn.

Ma, not for you - for Michael.

For the past week all he's been doing is hanging out at the beach and having a good time.

Maybe this job at the Hacienda Hut will get him on the right track again.

You don't want Michael working in a place like the Hacienda Hut.

It is full of people just looking for easy sex and cheap thrills.

But if it'll help, I could write a letter of recommendation.

Why push Michael into a job?

Give him time to breathe.

Let him find himself.

Oh, Ma, I'm a little concerned.

He just doesn't take commitment seriously.

Ma, he quits jobs, he leaves relationships.

It's like they don't matter.

He is 30 years old.

When's he gonna grow up?

Why should he, when you make it so easy for him not to?

Are you saying it's my fault?

All I'm saying is, you have to do something, or you're gonna end up with a 60-year-old kid who can't hold a job or have a meaningful relationship, who keeps running to you all the time for emotional support.

Can you imagine a man like that?

(doorbell)

No, I can't.

Yes, I can.

Hi.

It's me, Stan.

Come on in, Stanley.

We were just talking about you.

I thought I felt my ears burning.

Maybe that cheap toupee you're wearing retains heat.

Stanley, why are you here?

Michael and I made plans for tonight.

You know, a real father-son evening, where we can rap and share our feelings and create good vibes.

I can dig it.

Where are you taking him?

The Hacienda Hut.

I'll show him the town, give him some quality time.

Maybe it'll make up for never teaching him how to ride a bicycle.

Stanley, how come I've never seen you at the Hacienda Hut?

I never have to stay long.

I'm a chick magnet.

That's why they call me Mr.

Lucky.

You mean, for 38 years I was Mrs.

Lucky and never knew it?

What about the present Mrs.

Lucky?

Does she know what a maggot you are?

Magnet, Dorothy.

Magnet.

Hey, Dad.

I'll be with you in a second.

Ma, could I see you in the kitchen?

Look, Ma, I'm picking up the tab for dinner tonight and I feel kind of bad because I've never treated you.

I mean, I love Dad, but you've always been there for me.

Honey, don't worry.

I'll always be there for you.

I'm glad to hear that, Ma, because I ran out of cash.

I need to borrow $30.

$30?

Michael, you're an adult.

Do you really wanna beg your mother for $30?

All right, fine.

Forget it.

I hate this.

Whenever I need money you make me feel like I'm asking.

All right.

All right, all right, all right.

Oh, but look, all I have are two twenties.

Great.

We can get appetizers.

OK, let's jam.

That's my boy.

That's my dad.

That's my money.

Dorothy, you gave him money again?

Oh!

When are you gonna realize that you will never have a good relationship with your children until you stop doing all the things for them they should be doing for themselves.

Dorothy, I finished your blouse.

And the socks?

Get right on it.

So what am I supposed to do?

You have to make him stand on his own two feet.

If I were you, I'd kick him out.

You really think I should do that?

Kick him out.

I know it sounds hard and cruel, but I've been reading about that very thing.

It's called "rough love." No, I think it's "tough love." Well, see there?

We've both come up with something we oughta try.

Michael?

Hi, Ma.

What are you doing up?

Waiting up for you.

I brought you something.

Change for my 40?

No, these little bamboo umbrellas.

These are mine to keep, right?

I stayed up because I want to talk to you.

I want to know how the job hunt is going.

There's not much out there right now.

You're sending out résumés?

Come on, Ma.

Musicians don't send out résumés - it's not like a job job.

No, you're right.

A job job is when you go to work regularly, bring home a paycheck and support yourself.

OK.

Wait a minute.

What's this all about?

Michael, you are 30 years old.

I want you to find your own place, cook your own food, and take responsibility for your life.

But, Ma, that takes money.

That's where the job job comes in.

So what are you saying?

You're kicking me out?

No.

I'm forcing you to grow up.

Fine, I'll pack my things now.

No, wait a minute.

Since I sprung this on you out of the blue, let's say you can stay here for another week.

What, and put off growing up?

Nah.

I'm outta here.

(tape plays storm noises)

Rose, what the hell are you listening to?

It's a relaxation tape.

The rain is supposed to relax me.

Is it working?

Not really.

I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.

Oh, Dorothy, I feel so helpless.

I get upset every time I think about it.

Now, look, Rose, stop whining.

You're going to have to speak to your boss about your workload.

Wallowing in self-pity is not going to help.

How are you feeling, Dorothy?

My life is falling apart.

And now Rose is bothering me.

Dorothy, I'm sorry I bothered you.

I'm sorry I snapped at you, Rose.

It's just that I'm upset.

I am very upset.

It is because you threw Michael out?

No, it's because I can't make any sense out of those commercials for Obsession.

Of course it's because of Michael.

You just did what you had to.

Blanche, knowing that does not help.

I am going crazy wondering where he is.

I mean, he could be sleeping under a pier, for all I know.

Or in some flophouse.

Or out on the street.

Michael called.

He's staying with Stan.

Oh, God, it's even worse than I thought!

At least he can depend on one of this parents.

Look, Ma, I told you why...

I know, and you're wrong.

Your brother Phil is much older than Michael and I still send him money.

And do you know why?

Where I was brought up, you never turn your back on family.

Never.

I know, Ma.

When your crazy cousin Nunzio started living with his pet goat, did the family turn its back on him?

No.

And after a couple of nights neither did the goat.

Dorothy, this really isn't your problem anymore.

It's Michael's.

He just has to learn the things we need to know to be an adult.

Like how to earn a living, how to pay the rent, how to be courteous to your Friday-night mistake on Saturday morning.

I still have to work on that last one myself.

Why does it have to be so hard?

The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls.

I knew the time had come, but I kept putting it off.

Finally, I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.

So you told her?

No, I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.

You are kidding, Rose?

No!

That's how my mother taught me.

Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about what a man would look like?

It sure did.

Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie?

(laughing)

Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

I just wish somebody could tell me I've done the right thing.

Yeah, yeah, you've done the right thing.

Rose, tell me more about Charlie.

Not now, Blanche.

Dorothy, I know you've done the right thing.

In the animal kingdom, the whole idea is to teach offspring to fend for themselves.

Humans are the only ones who think it's their duty to care for children their entire lives.

You know, Rose, sometimes you really say some wise things.

We're also the only species who use corn holders that look like corn on the cob when we eat corn on the cob.

Oops!

Spoke too soon.

Oh, Rose, is your neck bothering you again?

Yeah.

And I'm gonna do something about it.

I'm glad you've come to your senses.

(doorbell)

There is nothing worse than a pain in the neck.

I must be psychic.

Stanley, why are you here?

We need to talk.

Let's go in the kitchen.

Is this private?

No.

I'm hungry - you got any bagels?

Hello, Rose.

OK, Stanley, what do you wanna talk about?

It's about Michael.

What's wrong?

What happened?

Why do you have so many cheesecakes?

What about Michael?

He's fine.

He's living the life of Riley.

I cook his meals, I change his sheets, I pay his bills.

He's making my life miserable, Dorothy.

Stanley, pull yourself together.

I'm sorry.

It's not just the disruption to my life, it's seeing him do nothing with his.

Stanley, you took him in.

Now it is your problem, and you have to deal with it.

You're right.

There's only one thing I can do, and it's the hardest thing.

You're going to ask Michael to leave your home.

No.

I'm gonna ask you to ask Michael to leave my home.

He already resents you.

Why should he be mad at me too?

I've heard enough.

Get out.

See?

You're great at throwing people out.

Stanley, you're going to have to throw your own son out of your own house.

Dorothy, I can't.

How can I sit in judgment of how Michael lives his life?

Here I am, a middle-aged man selling novelties for a living.

Things could've been different if I'd applied myself 30 years ago.

You could have invented plastic vomit, instead of just selling it.

Exactly.

But Michael's different - he's got real talent.

I don't want to see him waste it.

Then help him, Stan.

How?

Set an example.

Show him that it's never too late to grow up.

You're right.

It is time for me to show some maturity.

I'm gonna be strong, Dorothy - not just for Michael, but for myself.

You know something, Stanley?

This is a side of you I rarely see.

And I must say, it's very attractive.

Really?

You wanna fool around?

Oh, yeah.

More than anything.

What is that?

Sarcasm?

I'm leaving.

More around the eyes.

I'm blending, Enrique.

I want my public to trust me.

Enrique Mas must have honest eyes.

Try number 34.

I heard Ted Koppel uses 34 around the eyes.

(Rose)

Enrique.

Rose.

Do my eyes look honest enough?

I, uh...

See?

The lady hesitates.

More around the eyes.

Make me Cronkite.

Enrique...

since I've been working here I can't move my head anymore, my back hurts, I can't sleep, I have trouble digesting food, I see spots before my eyes...

I'm not a doctor, but I think it could be stress.

Please.

This sounds very important.

We should discuss this over coffee.

Cream and sugar?

And a treat.

Surprise me.

You see, that's part of it.

I can't possibly handle all the things you give me to do.

Oh, I feel like such a failure.

Here you've trusted me with a really important job, and I'm just not doing it.

I know how hard your job is, and how good you are at it.

Until you started working for me, my neck was like that.

Well, no wonder I'm cracking.

I don't want you to cr*ck, Rose.

I need you.

Do you believe that?

Yes.

Enough 34.

Really, Rose, speaking from the heart and not from the makeup, you're the best.

That's why I work you like a dog - out of respect.

Thank you.

But I don't want to k*ll you.

So I'm going to hire an assistant for you, Rose.

An assistant for me?

I can't believe it!

You can't?

I must be fading.

More 34.

Rose, first thing tomorrow you get your assistant.

(doorbell)

I want you to know that Dad asked me to leave.

He said he agreed with you.

I don't get it - you two never agreed about anything.

I guess we both agree that we love you.

Well, you have a funny way of showing it.

Because of this, I had to call the band and beg for my job back.

You got it?

Michael, that's wonderful.

Wonderful?

It's humiliating.

Oh, Michael.

Look, I gotta catch a bus.

You got my laundry?

Michael, I want you to know I think what your mother did was right.

You may not see it now, but you'll realize it later.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

See?

I came around to your side.

You gave him money, didn't you?

It's not like it's my money.

I took it from your purse.

Oh, Ma, I don't know if he'll ever forgive me.

The day you left me at Shady Pines, do you remember what I told you?

Of course.

You told me you'd never forgive me.

But look at us now.

Everything's fine.

You're saying no matter how bad things are between Michael and me, they'll change?

No.

I'm saying that when Michael is 83 and his retirement home burns down, your...

Oh.

That's right - you'll be dead.

See you, pussycat.