04x07 - Flavor of Westport

[bunniefuu]

[ Humming ]

I've never seen her this happy.

I have, but only in pictures from before we were born.

My guess is that she's gone insane.

I know we've thought that before, but it seems real this time.

Very creative, Anna-Kat, but wrong.

I'm just enjoying my new lasagna business.

Best decision I ever made.

I have seven steady customers, and my boss -- me -- is a delight.

Is that how you package it?

Don't you know presentation is everything?

Oliver, sweetie, I'm gonna invite you to shut up.

Franklin. What are you doing here?

I'm spending the weekend.

My mom's at a church retreat in Atlantic City.

They're going to improve the church's finances through the blessings of card counting.

Huh.

I don't remember talking to her about that.

Anna-Kat thought it would be better if we just sprung it on you.

You always say it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Anna-Kat, Mommy doesn't like it when you use her words against her.

I've got $50 I'm supposed to give to whoever watches me.

I'll watch him for $50.

I can cross number 37 off that stupid life-skills list you're forcing me to do --

"Get and keep a job."

Okay.

Why don't you take Anna-Kat and Franklin upstairs and get him unpacked?

I could use a hand with my luggage.

Isn't that your luggage?

Hilarious. No, that's my carry-on.

I couldn't help but notice you called this a "business."

I have clients. It's a business.

Is it? Yes!

Prove it.

You love "Shark t*nk." Let me "Shark t*nk" you.

Fine.

Let's do this.

Okay, hit me with your pitch.

"Mama's Zazagna" is the best thing to hit the Westport food scene in years.

Don't love the name.

It's what Anna-Kat used to call it when she was young.

She also used to bark at the mailman, so not everything she did was so great.

But continue.

The poor starving husbands of Westport are flocking to me.

In the three weeks that I've been in business, I have sold 120 servings.

And what is the price per unit?

$5 a pop.

And how much have you invested in the business?

Let's see.

Ingredients, containers...

$473.17.

[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]

I like to have choices.

Okay, $600 in gross minus your investment...

Factor in the three lasagnas you b*rned last week when you got distracted by "90 Day Fiancé"...

Mama's Zazagna has made roughly $11.28.

No. That can't be right.

Listen, Katie, was it?

Your lasagna is great.

But this isn't a business. It's a hobby.

You're not an entrepreneur. You're a want-repreneur.

And for that reason, I'm out.

♪♪

♪♪ Ah, damn it, Katie, why is this stupid lasagna so delicious?

Now that I'm getting divorced, I shouldn't be exposed to this!

I don't know. Why don't you mix it up?

Fat Doris could be fun.

You'd get some cleavage, grow into your glasses.

Oliver did this stupid thing where he took my profits and deducted what I spent.

Turns out I'm making 17 cents an hour.

Mm, I don't know if you can blame that on him.

Oliver is good at business.

Maybe he can help you. You're right.

It'd be nice to get something out of him besides a dirty look every time I tell him I won't pay for his dry cleaning.

Speaking of business opportunities, I've been working on contracts for this 20-something YouTube star, Lonnie Spears, and he's looking for a ghostwriter for his memoirs.

Any interest, Greg?

Thank you, Angela, but I'll stick to writing important historical books.

Oh. Are you working on something new?

Actually, I'm working on something old.

That's a bit of historical humor.

[ Chuckling ] It k*lled in the faculty lounge.

I'll see myself out.

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

Hi, Mr. Otto.

Taylor and Anna-Kat are making snacks.

I thought I'd come in for a little guy time.

Now's not good.

You having a hard time with the writing?

Franklin, I --

You don't have to hide anything from me.

I came in here earlier and checked out your computer.

I'm a snooper.

Well, your snack's probably ready, so...

I don't know why you don't want to write that book for the YouTube guy.

That's not really your business.

Your wife is bettering herself, you're asking your daughter to better herself, but you just want to stay right where you are.

Is this candy or a rock?

Rock.

You're right, Franklin.

I have to get out of my comfort zone.

Okay.

While I was in here earlier, I took the liberty of buying you some fruit trees online.

You'll thank me in the spring.

[ Sighs ]

I have been thinking about our conversation this morning.

I knew you'd come to me.

I'm impressed you can admit you're out of your depth.

Having some other thoughts now.

I'm not doing this out of the goodness of my heart.

No one thinks that.

Running a small business will look good on my Harvard application, along with Teen Help Line.

But if we do this, I'm gonna need a financial stake.

How about 10%?

I will not work for anything less than 50.

I will call your girlfriend's parents and invite them over for dinner.

10% is fine.

♪♪

♪♪ What are these?

Labels for our product.

What the hell is "Coastal Farms Lasagna"?

Our new name. It's perfect. It sounds fancy and healthy.

I don't like it. Change it back.

Can't.

I already submitted an application to Flavor of Westport under the new name.

Oliver, you can't just change things without consulting me.

You asked for my help.

Flavor of Westport is key to growing our business.

That's where all the restaurants in town give out samples of their food to bring in new customers.

We do well there, we're on our way.

No offense, but you slap the noodles and cheese together.

Let me do the thinking.

Saying "No offense" doesn't make it any less offensive.

Here, let me try.

No offense, but you have the arms of an American Girl Doll.

I said "No offense."

♪♪ Franklin: The antelopes are so cute.

Aww! The baby's having trouble keeping up.

Don't get emotionally invested in the slow-moving antelopes, Franklin.

Babysitting is a piece of cake.

They haven't moved in two hours.

Has it been two hours?

Because I haven't stopped eating cereal.

That's a lot of cereal.

Hey, guys. Guess what.

I have a meeting with Lonnie Spears today.

No way!

He's looking for a ghostwriter.

[ Gasps ]

Before you go there, neither of us are ghosts.

[ Sighs ]

But I don't know the first thing about him.

Oh, he does these hilarious pranks online.

Look.

Shh.

Lonnie! No! [ Laughs ]

Can't I just take a shower?!

[ Paintball g*n fires ] [ Screams ]

That stings!

Lonnie! I hate you!

Congrats.

You're now the proud owner of a Wendy's franchise.

[ Chuckles ] Lonnie, you can't just keep giving me restaurants.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I believe in you, bro!

Lonnie -- [ Exhales sharply ]

[ Voice breaking ] I love you!

You know what happens when you cry.

[ Paintball g*n fires ] Ow!

[ Both laugh ]

He makes money off of this?

Millions.

I know life isn't fair, but it seems like it's getting worse.

I'm a middle-aged history professor.

How am I supposed to connect with this guy?

You've got to speak his language -- prank him.

I don't know. I'm not much of a prankster.

Although, once, I did a hilarious one.

[ Laughing ] I put on Wikipedia that General Peter Marshall Stevenson was born in Illinois!

[ Laughing ]

[ Pounds counter ]

He never left Essex!

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, maybe something cooler than that.

He loves sh**ting people with paintball g*ns.

Just do that. He'll totally respect it.

I'm clearly out of my element here, so I'm gonna trust you on this.

I'm having a weird couple of days.

First, I got career advice from Franklin, and now you, Trip.

I'm gonna go see if Luthor's got anything for me.

Run, baby antelope! Run!

Where are its parents?!

Don't worry, that's them crossing the river to --

Oh, no! Crocodiles!

This is a nightmare!

♪♪ Yeah, sorry to cut this short, but Flavor of Westport is tomorrow, and to participate, you have to own a local restaurant.

You don't have one, so I'm afraid we're done here.

Oh.

Hold on.

I'm aware of that requirement, but it's not an issue.

In the 1770s, there was a brothel on the land where our house now sits.

Due to a law that dates back even further, because that brothel had a liquor license, the Otto home does, as well.

Which legally makes our home... a restaurant. A restaurant.

How do you know that?

Dad told us that fact, like, a million times.

Every time your father says, "Oh, this is an interesting tidbit,"

I smile, nod, and power down.

I went online and found some copies of all the old documents.

I'm impressed.

Me too!

Seal the deal.

Try this.

Delicious!

And I love the name.

"Coastal Farms Lasagna," sounds fancy.

But this is Flavor of Westport, so you'll obviously have to change the recipe.

As of this year, we are now a healthy-choices food festival.

The noodles need to be gluten-free and you'll have to replace the mozzarella with one of the nut-based cheeses.

Cashew, Brazil, almond, pistachio...

What nut you choose is up to you.

Of course. No problem.

"No problem"? What are you talking about?

Mom, let me handle this.

No! This is where I draw the line!

I asked you to help me grow my business, not make this into something else.

We're not changing the recipe just to get into this crappy festival!

I think maybe it's best if you --

Oh, you don't have to tell me to leave, Sam.

I'll just go home and get yelled at by my mother in our historic whorehouse.

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

Hi, Greg. Thanks for meeting us.

Lonnie, this is the writer I was telling you about.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too. I love your videos.

Ah, so you know what I'm all about?

I think I do.

[ Paintball g*n fires ] Aah!

Lonnie!

What the hell was that?!

I'm trying to have a professional meeting, and you sh**t me?!

It was a prank to show that we can, you know, vibe.

That's not cool, bro!

Angela, I'll talk to you later.

[ Door opens ]

What the [bleep] is wrong with you?

Trip said he'd love it!

I heard it. I heard it.

♪♪ I can't believe you threw away our company's future over something as dumb as ingredients.

You think ingredients are dumb?

Taste.

I already know what your lasagna tastes like.

This isn't my lasagna.

This is Coastal Farms Lasagna, made with kelp noodles and cashew cheese.

You're finally seeing things my way.

Mm.

Mmm.

Not bad.

[ Inhales sharply ] Take another bite.

[ Sighs ] I can't.

It's sludgy, and it smells like the stuff the plumber pulled out of the shower drain.

Here is some of the real lasagna to get that taste out of your mouth.

[ Sighs ]

I'm sorry, Mom.

You'd be crazy to change the recipe.

But we can't bring the good stuff to Flavor of Westport.

We should have just lied and kept the recipe the same.

We should have just lied!

Now what are we gonna do?

We could go down there and secretly hand out samples at the festival without a booth.

I know I'm not supposed to say stuff like this right now because you are lying and cheating, but I have never been more proud of you.

These mason jars were a great idea.

Easy to secretly hand out.

Plus, they look fancy but are actually cheaper than plastic containers and smaller.

We can charge more for less lasagna.

It's a win-win.

For us, not the consumer.

Which is another win.

It's a win-win-win.

I'm glad you changed the name.

"Mrs. O's Lasagna" is a good compromise.

This is nice, us hanging out.

Yeah, it is.

We haven't spent this much time together since...

I was nursing you, I suppose.

We can use Taylor's college fund for my therapy, right?

[ Zipper closes ]

♪♪ No, it didn't go well.

Lonnie stormed off.

You must've done something to make him angry.

Did you start saying "hashtag" in front of random sentences?

That makes me angry.

More likely it was me sh**ting him at close range with a paintball g*n.

[ Both laugh ]

See? That's funny.

[ Eagle screeches ]

And this is your idea of babysitting?

Leaving them in front of the TV all weekend?

Have they even eaten?

Uh...

I'm gonna go with "possibly."

That's the kind of thing you should know.

We've eaten, Mr. A.

Your list says "Get and keep a job."

The way you're going, that's not happening.

[ Scoffs ] Fine!

I'll do something fun with them.

[ Tribal music playing, elephants trumpet ]

[ Bird chirps ]

[ Remote clicks ]

What's happening?

Where am I?

Hey, guys.

Since I'm an awesome babysitter, we're gonna play a game.

How about hide-and-seek?

We'll hide first!

One... two...

No peeking! ...three...

...four, five... six, seven, eight...

♪♪

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey.

You need lasagna? I got the good stuff.

I'll hook you up.

First one's free.

Psst. Try this.

It's the real deal. Pure mozzarella.

Website's on the label.

We were never here.

♪♪ How did you find me in the bathtub?

Well, for starters, the shower curtain is clear.

Also, you were whistling.

When you get "Eye Of The Tiger" stuck in your head, it doesn't just go away on its own.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Anna-Kat whistling "Eye of the Tiger" ]

Damn it, he's right.

♪♪ Franklin!

We've looked everywhere. Where is that kid?

It's been two hours. Franklin disappeared.

Having fun, guys?

Oh, yeah!

We're having a great time playing hide-and-seek.

All four of us. Good.

Well, your mom called.

I have to run to Flavor of Westport.

She sold someone an entire lasagna.

You really pulled this together. I'm proud of you, Taylor.

[ Door opens, closes ]

We have to find Franklin.

Franklin!

Game's over! You won!

He's not coming out until you find him.

He takes these games really seriously.

He's technically still in a game of tag with his cousins from last Thanksgiving.

♪♪ Katie, here's your lasagna.

Put it on the bench, don't look at me, and walk away.

Sure. Of course.

I would never assume I was just gonna openly hand you lasagna, kiss you on the cheek, and say "See you at home, honey."

[ Whispering ] Keep it moving. Okay.

♪♪

♪♪ Alright, find Franklin.

Show us where he is, boy.

♪♪ Did you guys really think that would work?

Yeah. Yeah.

If you two get married, you should think strongly about adopting.

Well, what are we gonna do? Franklin is nowhere to be found.

You've got to call Dad for help.

But Dad's gonna be so mad!

He's not gonna cross this off my list, he's gonna take away my phone, he's not gonna let me have dessert --

A child is missing.

Right.

Right, right.

♪♪ Mmm. Mmm.

♪♪

[ Whispering ] Cops, cops, cops! Act casual.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

We have got to get out of here before we get busted.

I hope we get busted. I've never felt more alive.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Police officer: Greg Otto!

Get on the ground with your hands behind your head!

Wait! What have I -- On the ground! Now!

[ Grunts ]

Greg Otto, you're under arrest for as*ault.

Lonnie Spears is pressing charges for your paintball att*ck.

What? That was -- That was just a prank!

I mean, please! I have children!

I'm sorry. I'm s-- [ Laughing ] I'm sorry.

I don't understand.

You're not going to jail.

These guys are actors.

You should see your face, dude.

You look like my friend's dad when he got nabbed on "To Catch a Predator."

W-Why would you do this?

Because it's funny.

[ Laughs ]

And Angela came to me and pled your case, so you should really thank her.

She gave me your book on John Stuart Mill, and I read it last night.

You did? Yeah.

Loved it.

You're exactly the kind of ghostwriter I need for my memoir.

You can give my life story the emotional gravitas it needs.

So the job is yours.

[ Exhales sharply ] Great.

Can -- Can they take off the handcuffs now?

Oh, not yet.

One more thing, and this is important --

I'm the one who does the pranks.

Not you.

[ Paintball g*n fires ]

Ow! [ Laughing ] I'm sorry!

Sorry! [ Paintball g*n fires ]

Aah! Mm, man, we're gonna have fun!

So much fun, dude.

This is exactly why I spent all those years getting a Ph.D.

[ Laughs ] Oh, yeah, dude. [ Laughs ]

Let's track down Mom or Dad so they can help us find Franklin.

Hey, there's Franklin. Maybe he's seen your parents.

Franklin! Thank God!

How did you end up here?

I hid under a blanket in the back seat of your dad's car.

And it was so cozy, I just fell asleep.

And when I woke up, I was here.

I'm just happy you're safe.

Hi, Mr. Otto.

Well, hey, guys.

Taylor's the best babysitter I've ever had.

Oh, I'm glad to hear it.

You can check that off your list, Taylor.

What happened to your shirt?

Lonnie Spears sh*t me.

It's going to bruise.

But thanks to you and Franklin, I got the job.

You're going to need that extra income.

I also ordered you a gazebo.

It's going to look great with the fruit trees, but it was not cheap.

♪♪ Are you seeing all the orders that rolled in?

Yeah!

Congratulations, Mom.

Your hobby's on its way to becoming a real business.

Well...

I couldn't have done any of this without your help.

That's true.

And now that I've proven my worth, I was thinking it might be time to renegotiate my ownership stake in the company.

Absolutely.

How about on three, we both say a number?

Okay, one --

[ Door closes ]

♪♪ Good news -- one of the guys we gave a sample to is a member of the Elks Club.

They want seven lasagnas for their next meeting.

Amazing!

We better get cooking.

So, you gonna teach me your secret recipe? No.

If I told you, you would steal it and start a competing company.

Aw, Mom. You get me.

But you can help.

We start with a 13x10 baking dish, which we keep down here.

What the hell?!

Trip?!

How did you --

Anna-Kat: He's got to be here someplace!

[ Footsteps in distance ] Shhhhhh.

[ Trip whistling "Eye of the Tiger" ]

[ Whirring ]

What is this?

Are you Greg Otto? Yeah.

Your gazebo's here.

This is a mistake.

My daughter's friend ordered this.

Can you take it back? No.

Can you at least put it in the backyard?

We're not allowed to do that.

[ Brakes squeak ]

Are you Greg Otto? Yeah.

I have your fruit trees.

I-I didn't order these.

Can you take them back? No.

[ Sighs ] Okay, well, I guess you can put them in the backyard.

I'm not allowed to do that.

You're just gonna leave them here?

You're not gonna plant them?

You can't plant these until spring.

Well, what am I gonna do with fruit trees in the winter?

I'm not the one who ordered them.

I didn't order them, either!

You Greg Otto?

No!

[ Llama groans ]

♪♪