04x20 - Prom

[bunniefuu]

Okay! We're all set for prom.

I just booked us a limo and paid extra to have them stretch it.

I can't wait. But you know the deal.

You have to complete your life skills list first.

I've been checking stuff off the list all week.

In fact, there's only one item left.

Number 70... "Teach Dad to sh**t a three-pointer."

Why is this on the list?

Because it's hilarious.

Because I want Taylor to learn to communicate effectively while also spending some time with you.

Smart. Mm-hmm.

Mr. A, you'll be sh**ting threes in no time because Taylor is an awesome teacher.

If it wasn't for her, I'd still be rocking Velcro shoes.

The trick was to say "loops" instead of "bunny ears."

Trip didn't like imagining tying bunny ears together.

Because then he couldn't breathe.

Crom is gonna be the best. The best.

You guys can't go to prom. You're sophomores.

That's right. You losers are going to prom while Cooper and I are attending the hottest party of the year.

Crom! Crom!

What the hell is Crom?

It's the prom alternative Cooper's throwing on his yacht that's gonna be way better than any school dance.

Crom has everything...

Mock-tails, designer life vests, and DJ Khaled.

At prom, Principal Ablin is spinning from 6:00 to 8:00.

Then his deejay alter ego MouseFace is taking over from 8:00 to 10:00.

Do you want to help me pick out the hors d'oeuvres for Crom tonight?

I've got five local caterers battling it out.

The winner not only gets the gig, they become sous-chef for my Goldendoodles.

I can't. I have to go.

I have a shift at Teen Help Line.

But I'm a teen. I need help.

Do I serve seared foie gras with mission fig, or do I go with the classic French Coquilles Saint-Jacques?

I hear you.

It's important to know that you're not alone.

Teens all across the country are going through exactly the same...

You know what? It doesn't work with this.

Hi.

Bye.

Anna-Kat, don't run off.

Come here and tell me about your day.

Ugh. Seriously?

So, she's officially a tween.

I hate the yelling, but I do enjoy the part where they think they've discovered The Beatles.

She's still a baby.

What?

How was the day with your friends?

Good. What did you guys do?

Stuff.

Can you give me more than one word, please?

Yes. Byeeeee.

I'm getting iced out.

They say parenting is a long process of letting go.

It's really a long process of getting yelled at and pushed away.

I don't know why I let you talk me into having kids.

This is on you.

Principal Ablin just e-mailed.

Apparently, there have been instances of hurt feelings in Anna-Kat's class, and he wants the parents to talk to the kids about bullying.

I think that's a very good idea. You would.

Principal Ablin is overreacting.

When I was a kid, everyone got teased a little, and it helped build character.

You were teased, too? Of course not.

I did the teasing, and I built a lot of character.

If someone teased you, you would say, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

But words do hurt, Katie.

Not more than sticks!

If we make a big deal about "instances of hurt feelings," then Anna-Kat will never become the strong person that we want her to be.

Interesting coming from a woman who bullied her gym teacher until he quit his job.

It wasn't my fault.

He was a grown man named Carroll.

Blame his parents.

Okay, guys, I have a couple of prom calls on hold.

We are going to have a high volume of them today because it is the weekend of Westport prom.

And Crom!

All dances can bring out feelings of rejection, so this is a tough time for the kids.

And me.

Deborah, with all due respect, you don't have to start every shift with a personal, traumatic story.

You're right.

I wore a back brace in high school, so nobody asked me to prom.

My dad was my date.

All normal so far, but at the dance, he ditched me for the Prom Queen.

But it all worked out because she is now my stepmother.

Let's have a great shift!

Hello, this is Teen Help Line.

What's on your mind today?

Hi, I'm calling because I'm feeling kinda down.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

What's making you feel this way?

Prom, I guess.

No one asked me out because of my looks.

That's awful.

But remember, looks aren't everything.

It's personality that counts.

You're just saying that because it's in the script.

Okay, it's in the script. But it's true.

But you don't even know if I have a good personality or not.

Well, tell me about yourself.

Who's your favorite musician?

That's a tough question.

You're gonna have to give me a sec.

Well, you're taking your time to think about it, which makes you a thoughtful person. Thanks.

Just as long as you don't say Ed Sheeran or something, you're officially awesome.

Okay, I've thought about it.

My favorite musician is Ed Sheeran.

Oh, look at that! You're laughing.

What do you guys do when you make someone feel better?

You get to, like, ring a bell or something?

Tickets spew out of a slot in the desk, and I redeem them at the prize counter.

If I get you to say, "That really helped,"

I'll have enough to get a bamboo back scratcher.

Good to know.

Why aren't you saying I really helped you?

Because then we'd be done talking, and I'm not ready for that.

Ah, love that smile. When do you turn 18?

Don't answer that.

Are you sure that's right? That seems kind of far.

Don't think about the distance.

Just bend at the knees and follow through.

Okay.

Here goes nothing.

Okay, well, maybe think about the distance a little bit.

Dad, I see what you did wrong, but good news... it's totally fixable.

In order to make the sh*t, you need to aim at the basket.

I was.

Well, crap.

Oops.

Uh-oh.

Ohh! So close!

Get there!

Oh! That's on me.

Mr. A, I really want to go to prom with Taylor.

sh**ting a three-pointer is not that hard, okay?

Just do what I do. Just grab the ball and toss it in.

You don't even have to look at the hoop.

Just grab and toss it.

See?

I'm sorry, kids.

I-I have played basketball before, but for some reason, I can't make this sh*t.

Taylor, you've completed your list except for this, and that's close enough.

You have my permission to go to the prom.

Whoo! We're going to prom!

No. What?

I thought I was finally getting the hang of conversations.

I made a promise to check every item off that list... every item.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

The whole point of this list was to teach me to see things through and not to be such a screw-up.

And I'm not gonna stop now.

But, babe, your dad is, like, so, so, so, so, so bad at basketball.

All sports, really.

I don't know.

I guess it's just a bunch of really old people who live in apartments in New York, and there's a monkey.

Yeah, I don't get "Friends" either.

Hmm.

Guys at school are idiots.

Anybody would be lucky to go to prom with you.

Well, how about you?

How about me, what?

Do you want to go to prom with me?

Uh...

Oh, no, I made it awkward.

It was stupid to ask. Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's just there's a procedure here, and...

Forget I said anything. You helped me a lot.

You earned yourself that bamboo back scratcher.

You know what? Screw procedure.

I'd love to go to prom with you.

Really?

They don't let me ask for your information, so I'll give you mine.

My name is Oliver, and I live at 23 Woody Lane.

Great. I'll pick you up tomorrow night at 7:00.

See you then.

Oh, you look happy.

You're making our callers happy.

D-Do you think I look happy?

So happy.

Mm-hmm.

If you got points for sh**ting the ball in our rose bushes, I'd be the leading scorer.

Our daughter is being bullied.

What?

I just found this in Anna-Kat's backpack.

"You suck. Tilly."

Principal Ablin knew that my baby was being bullied, and his only response was an e-mail!

I want that man to be given a swirly and shoved in a locker!

What happened to "bullying builds character"?

You didn't marry me for my consistency, Greg!

You married me for a body that you foolishly thought would stay the same after kids!

That's on you.

Hey, let's not bring up the note to Anna-Kat.

Why not? I found it while doing my weekly deep snoop into her stuff.

Let's just talk about bullying in general and see how she reacts.

Okay, but you really should stop snooping on the kids.

Without my snooping, we wouldn't know anything about our children.

And I also wouldn't know that you've been shopping around for a backyard chicken coop.

That's not happening. Clear your browser.

I know you know how to do it.

Anna-Kat, it's time for bed.

Anything you want to talk about?

No. Good night.

But you know you can talk to us about anything, right?

Anything?

Anything.

Okay.

I want to talk about you guys leaving and letting me go to bed.

Good night!

We can talk about that... Mm-hmm.

...but we can also talk about bullying.

If you're being bullied, you can come to us.

Okay.

I'm being bullied by a boy whose breath smells like almonds and a girl who dresses like a lazy lumberjack.

Good night!

That was meaner than it needed to be.

Anna-Kat isn't icing us out.

She's too afraid of her bully to talk to us.

This is bad.

We have to figure out what to do.

It's okay. You don't have to worry. I'll handle it.

Do you think saying "I'll handle it" is reassuring?

Because it almost never is.

What is the best way to get back at Anna-Kat's bully... who's a child... without breaking laws?

Just find an offensive word that rhymes with her name.

You know, like Silly Tilly or Shrilly Tilly.

It's too bad her name isn't Lanus.

I get a tad crazy when someone hurts Anna-Kat.

When she was 3, a little boy grabbed a juice box out of her hand, and I bit him. You bit a child?

Calm down. Etiquette police over here.

Okay, just reach out to Tilly's mom.

It's the only reasonable approach.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'll invite Tilly's mom out to lunch.

Do you know how to make a horse noise?

What?

I don't think so. Why?

Well, then, you could've gone with Tilly the Filly.

But without the horse noise, it doesn't work.

Mm.

You're ditching Crom to go to prom with some lonely Teen Help Line chica loca?!

I'm sorry, dude. It just happened.

I want to go to Crom, but I have to do the right thing.

What if ditching your prom date is doing the right thing?

I'm listening. She hasn't even confirmed!

She might be blowing you off.

I'm not following, but I want to. Go on.

A senior girl asks out a sophomore to prom. Why?

Because they made a connection over the phone?

Don't think so.

She's messing with you.

Why would she do that?

Because it's funny and cruel, and that's the world we live in.

That makes so much sense.

I'm not gonna spend my night being ridiculed.

I'm going to Crom!

Yeah, and for doing the right thing, here's your reward.

A dry cleaning receipt?

For our matching tuxes.

Crom! Crom!

Katie.

You must be Stephanie.

Have a seat.

Be cool. This woman is not your enemy.

She's just another mom trying her best.

Thank you for meeting with me.

Of course.

Thanks for reaching out about the bullying that's going on at school.

Well, I tried to play nice, but she clearly isn't interested in a civil discussion.

Listen, lady, your daughter is the bully.

Tilly? Yes, Tilly.

She left this note in my daughter's backpack.

Normally, I wouldn't judge a person's parenting, but since you raised a bully, I can say that you're a bad mom.

And not in the fun Mila Kunis way.

You're Christina Applegate.

I don't know what that means. I didn't see the movie.

Neither did I, but the trailer made it quite clear.

This note doesn't mean what you think it means.

It doesn't say "You suck. Tilly."

It says "You suck Tilly."

I didn't know who was leaving all of these notes in Tilly's locker, but now I do.

Anna-Kat has been bullying my daughter, and I see where she gets it from.

I just met with Tilly's mom.

Anna-Kat is not being bullied.

She's the bully.

Anna-Kat? Yes!

I can't believe it, either!

Where did she learn this behavior?

TV? Video games?

All the stories you tell about teasing the uncool kids when you were popular?

I'm sorry, Greg, but I don't see the link.

TV did it.

Specifically that penguin documentary that you showed her last week.

I'm actually curious to see if you'll stick the landing.

Those penguins were super mean to the other penguins that didn't have eggs.

That's bullying.

Now that I think about it, this whole situation is your fault!

Ohhh! Broke your leg on the dismount.

Béla Károlyi is carrying you off the mat.

How on Earth do you know nothing about sports except for women's gymnastics?

Anna-Kat, can you explain this?

This is what I tell my friends... you thought he was rich.

Not our marriage. This.

Where'd you get those?

From Tilly's mother.

They're yours, right?

Yeah.

Look, I know it was wrong to write those notes, but the cool girls said I should do it.

They thought it was funny.

And... I don't know, I just...

I don't know.

It's not cool to be mean.

But you were cool.

Okay, I'm partly to blame here, but the penguin movie did not help.

When I was growing up, it's true, I was one of the cool girls.

I was the coolest.

I was the hottest, most popular girl in school.

Do you have a handle on this?

But I didn't raise you to be like me.

I raised you to be better than me.

How adorable are we?

Guys, not now.

Why would you even do that to another girl?

I don't have a reason.

I know what it's like to be bullied for no reason.

It all started when I made the winning sh*t in a basketball game.

Back up a bit.

You were on a basketball team?

I was the equipment manager, but I did get to go in for one play in one game.

Tell us more because there's no way this isn't a funny story.

I was a sophomore in high school.

My team was down by two.

Otto, you're in.

Me?

Yeah, it's a jump ball, and you're the tallest.

Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!

Pass the ball!

You sh*t it in the wrong hoop, Otto.

You lost us the game.

Oh, no.

Still. It feels nice to be appreciated.

Man, you've been Gregging stuff up since you were a kid, huh?

I made the winning sh*t, just for the wrong team.

I must've blocked that part out.

I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that I can't make a three-pointer now.

At Teen Help Line, we're taught that childhood bullying can have long-lasting effects even into adulthood.

And that's why you need to apologize to Tilly.

I will. But that's not all, Anna-Kat.

I'm finally following through with the punishment that I've been threatening you with since you were 5.

I'm signing you up for soccer.

No. And you're going to go to every practice and every game, and I'm going to buy your father a little foldy chair, and he's gonna sit on the sidelines and cheer you on.

And I will watch from the car where there's air conditioning.

Thanks for telling me that story, Mr. Otto, because now I know Oliver can't go to Crom.

Are you serious?

We both know your prom date probably isn't a prank.

She'll show up here, realize you blew her off, and go home and sit on her couch in her prom dress, all devastated.

You heard your dad's story.

If you ditch her, it could bum her out for life.

I'll go to prom.

But I've gotta say, this new empathetic version of me?

I don't care for it.

Mom, I guess you have to fire up "Dirty Dancing."

Trip and I are staying home tonight.

No.

After my realization, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

I'm gonna try the three-pointer one more time.

All right, Dad!

Get out there and remember everything I taught you.

Wait, Mr. A, you're forgetting your magical headband!

I don't need it anymore, Trip.

The magic is inside me.

You've got this, babe. Let's go, Dad.

Come on, Mr. A. Nothing but net... or rim or backboard.

Or really anything. Just get it in.

Let's go, Dad!

I hit the rim!

You're so close! Keep going, Dad!

Hey, I think your date's here.

It's just one night, right? I'll make the best of it.

Is that Lindsey Coolidge?

Are you my prom date? Yes, I am.

Oh, oh, no, he's kidding.

I'm the one who talked to you on the phone.

Mm. Oliver Otto.

Hi, Lindsey. Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, Lindsey, these are my parents.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

She's going to the prom with Oliver?

Just another in the long line of Otto men punching above their weight.

You ready? Yes.

Just one quick question.

You said no one asked you to prom because of your looks.

Every guy at school either thought I had a date or was too intimidated to ask.

Have fun at Crom.

What the...?

My helicopter's here to take me to Crom.

Oh, our ride's here, too.

Greg, it's time.

Throw me the rock.

You did it, Dad!

Taylor! You finished the list!

Pilot, set that spotlight to disco!

Music!

Oh!

Your family seems like fun.

Yeah, you caught us on a good night.

Okay, mark. Here we go.

I got the high score on Pop-a-Squat.

Pop-a-Squat?

So, you crapped in the parking lot and got a... got an award? Basically, Greg.

I've never been more proud of the Otto family.

Well, Dr. Ellie's class is for special education.

Oh. Sorry, I hit the horn.

Batman!

Oh. Cut!

Sorry.

Ah.

Glittermane is single again.

Remember when we were trying to sleep train Anna-Kat and you...

Remember when you tried to sleep...

Remember when you tried to sleep train...

I'm so sorry.

All right, last question of Round 1.

On the Risk board, what territories...

Oh, no. What's the oldest child's name?

What's Meg's... Taylor.

Isn't it amazing?

♪ Isn't it amazing? ♪ ♪ Isn't it amazing? ♪

...course. I sounded really drunk at the top of that.

Can I do it one more time?

And he's boozing it up!

One second. Is this a joke?

I'm sorry. C-Could we get a wipe for her feet?

I know. It's so ticklish.

The weekly lasagna tournament canceled their poker order.

Why are all of our clients canceling?

That wasn't right.

I was like, "When in doubt, it's my time to talk."

Mom!

I'm sorry. And cut.

I pushed the zombie away.

I was looking at the Venn diagram, and I think I discovered something we have in common.

That's amazing. What is it?

We're on a television show together.

Really? Yeah.

Amazing! I know.

Cut. Cut, cut, cut.