Ghost of St. Michael's, The (1941)

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Come on, hurry up, pilgrims.

The ferry is ready to sail any minute now for the great unknown.

All aboard that are coming aboard!

I think this pilgrim is going to be sick.

Don't be an ass, Sunshine. We haven't started yet.

A bit different from Seven Oaks, eh Ritzy?

Different is right. Ten degrees below zero and 400 miles from civilisation.

Scotland is alright when one's up here for the grouse.

Well, we're here for the duration now. Grouses or no grouses.

Begging your pardon, Skipper. Are we ready to go for the main castle?

Aye. Ha!

"McFluent" is the name, gents. Speaks the language like a native.

They'll be foreigners, I'm thinking.

Aye. One of the English schools evacuated.

They've been crossing all day for Dunbane.

Oh, so the old castle is having a new lease of life?

Aye.

Cast off.

Go on .. move up.

Hey .. hey!

Hey!

Skye?

Skye? Aye.

You heard about Carruthers? He's been called up.

Good Lord, there won't be a master left at St. Michael's under 85 soon.

I wonder who the new man is. Some awful old dud I expect.

You know, long white whiskers, elastic-sided boots.

And a face that looks like something the cat's brought in.

And something wrong with his bronchial tubes so that he wheezes.

And enormous tufts of hair growing out of his ears.

And a walrus moustache that gets dipped in the soup.

And false teeth that rattle like castanets.

As a matter of fact, he's not in the least like that.

His name is "Mr Lamb" and he's a jolly decent chap.

What do you mean? How do you know?

Why, everyone knows about Mr Lamb in scholastic circles.

They say he's one of the greatest brains that Cambridge ever produced.

Oxford, my boy. Not Cambridge.

I am Mr Lamb.

Oh, sir .. this is a surprise.

May I have the honour of shaking your hand, sir?

Oh yes, yes.

Me too, sir.

May I have your autograph, sir?

I'll put you between Rousseau and Bernard Shaw.

Boris, our new master is going to give you his autograph.

Oh good, can I have one?

Well, here we are, sir.

I wonder if a car to fetch us. A bus, I think they said.

Oh no, sir. Not for you sir, surely.

Well, maybe not. Well, I'll see you at the school.

Goodbye, sir. Goodbye.

Come on, get in.

Drive on, then.

They said to expect one of the masters. Unfortunately, he missed the ferry.

We have to wait until the ferry comes back.

Eh? Oh, he called out to say he'd rather walk.

Walk?

Any penny taxis about here? Not on the island.

Oh. Is there anything that can take me to Dunbane Castle?

Aye, the bus. Good.

But it's gone. Oh.

I'm afraid you'll have to walk. I see. Well, is it far?

Eight miles if you take the shortcut along the edge of the quicksands.

Oh quicksands? Oh ..

Well how far is it by the longer path? Thirteen miles.

Thirteen?

Oh .. my lucky number. Thank you very much.

Hey. Hey!

Who said that? Who said that?

Hello. Hello.

Oh, echoes. Oh, echoes.

Hey! Hey!

Doesn't sound like my voice. Doesn't sound like your voice, no.

Hey! Hey!

Hello! What do you want?

Oh, there you are.

I'm Mr Lamb, the new master.

Come on, come on. Stop messing about. Let me in.

Rousing a man from his beauty sleep.

Yes .. oh, my poor feet.

What about my poor feet?

Fetching and carrying all day for a lot of foreigners.

Foreigners, huh? Aye. Southerners like yourself.

A pack of unruly bairns.

Yes? Oh yes, will did you notice ..

A tall, thin bairn .. with spectacles.

Tortoiseshell things, that came on the bus?

Aye.

He had the impertinence to address me as "the cock of the north".

Yes, well where is my bedroom? Follow me.

A cheerful looking place isn't it.

It's been good enough for the Mackinnons for 800 years.

If you are dissatisfied, you ken what you can do, I'm thinking.

Oh, no offense.

Foreigners in the Great Bedchamber that hasn't been slept in since 1344.

Well, what's the matter with it? Does the roof leak or something?

Have you not heard the legend of the mad Mackinnon?

It was in the year 1344.

The Mackinnon of Mackinnon. Fifth of the line, he was.

Had wooed and won the beautiful daughter of the MacDougal of MacDougal.

Ah, listen. You must tell me this tomorrow of tomorrow.

It was the eve of the wedding day.

A great storm was raging as the bridal party set out to cross the loch.

But they never reached the other side.

I'm not surprised if they came on that ferry.

The vessel foundered on the rocks.

And the bride the Mackinnon took in his arms that night ..

Was drowned and cold and stark.

They laid her body in the Great Bedchamber.

And there .. while the piper played the lament outside the door ..

The Mackinnon, mired with grief.

Drank deep of deadly poison.

And from that day to this.

When any person in the castle is going to pass away ..

The phantom pipes are heard playing the lament of the Mackinnon.

Aye. It's a lot of rubbish, I think.

You find your room by a right turn at the top of the stairs.

A left turn at the end of the passage, another right turn beyond the window.

And it's the furthest door away on your left.

Oh, thank you very much. Ahem ..

Oh yes, oh yes.

Let me see now.

Take a right turn at the top of the stairs.

A left turn at the further end of the passage.

Another right turn .. right turn, beyond the window he said.

And it's the furthest doorway on your left.

Yes. That's right.

Ah. Furthest doorway on my left.

Let me see. This will be it.

If that's you boys again.

Come here! Come here now! Oh, no you don't.

No you don't.

How dare you, sir.

Who are you? What are you doing?

Come to that, what you doing yourself? That's no business whatever of yours.

It so happens that I heard some rats in this room and I was about to k*ll them.

Very kind of you. Very kind of you indeed.

But if there's any rats in my bedroom I can deal with them myself.

Your room?

Certainly. Yes.

Is this all your stuff? Well, I like that.

Because I arrive late, somebody takes a fancy to my bedroom and pinches it.

I'll have a word to say to the headmaster about this.

Really?

And who may you be? Well, "Lamb" is the name.

And if you think I'll be put upon by other staff, you're very much mistaken.

If Dr Winter can't keep his subordinates in order.

What hope is there for discipline among the boys?

I'll have to say something to him about that in the morning.

Now, if you don't mind leaving my bedroom, Mister ..?

Winter. Winter .. yes ..

What .. Doctor Winter?

Yes, Mr Lamb. The headmaster who can't control his subordinates.

And who goes about pinching other people's bedrooms.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going to bed.

I think you had better. The accommodation is somewhat limited.

I trust you won't find it beneath your dignity to share a room?

Share? Share? Oh no, sir. Certainly not.

Oh no. I'd take it as an honour, sir. Not this room.

The one across the way. Yeah ..?

Oh. Oh, I beg your pardon.

Yes .. well .. goodnight, sir.

I hope you catch your rats.

See you in the morning.

Come in.

Oh, I .. I believe I share this room with you.

Eh? Oh splendid, splendid.

Oh, sorry, sorry. My name is Tisdaile.

Games and backward boys.

My name is Lamb. Games with very forward boys.

Good heavens. Eton.

No, I haven't yet. No.

No, no. I mean the tie. Tie.

The tie? Yes.

You're a fellow old soldier. Yes, old ..

Old, old Etonian? Yes, quite.

What year? What out.

No .. what year were you there?

Oh, several years.

What a marvellous thing in a place like this. Running into an "O.E".

Running into a what? O.E.

O.E? Yes. Old Etonian: O.E.

Oh, I.

We must have a jolly long chat about the old days.

Yes, we must .. someday.

Doesn't anybody go to bed, here?

I'm awfully sorry. You must be absolutely fagged out.

I'm absolutely D.T.

D.T? Dog tired.

Oh, does Doctor Winter know you are here?

Yes, I had a little chat with him. I didn't stay long.

He seems to be in trouble. Trouble? What sort of trouble?

He's got rats in his wainscot. Oh, that's very uncomfortable.

Of course, a lot of peculiar things happen round here.

They say the place is haunted. But I don't believe all that sort of piffle.

No, nor do I.

You know, that Scotch gatekeeper or whatever he is.

Told me a lot of rubbish about phantom pipes and drowned brides.

Really?

Yes. I've never heard such a lot of Tommyrot.

It's amazing what some people want to believe.

Yes, I know a fellow who spent a night with a headless nun.

What, no head? Yes, none.

Yes, he was in bed and this nun walked straight through the wall.

Right through the wall, mark you.

Gets into bed and lies down beside him as cool as a cucumber.

What do you think he did? I don't know.

He got up and ran for his life.

Oh, really. Yes. At least, that's what he said.

What's the matter? Have I shocked you?

Don't .. don't look now but I think we're being haunted.

Haunted? Don't be silly.

Oh.

The ghost of the bride of the mad Mackinnon.

Ghost, my foot.

Why did you want to drag me out of there as though I'm frightened?

It's only one of the housemaids got in the wrong bed.

Go on, wake her up and get her out of there. Go on. Go on.

But how shall I tell if she's a housemaid?

See if she's got her apron on. Oh. Yes.

Go on. Wake her up. But I don't know her.

Well, introduce yourself. Oh, yes.

Good evening. My name is Tisdaile.

Housemaid. You're in the wrong bed.

She's sleeping very soundly.

Well, give her a shake! Give her a shake. Go on.

You come and help me. It doesn't need two of us.

Well, you're older than I am.

But I'm a stranger here. She wouldn't wake up for me.

Look.

Well, go on. Wake her up.

She's cold.

So would you be, lying there with nothing on. Go on, try again.

Oh! She's stone-cold.

And stiff. Stiff?

Where's the door? Where's the door?

Hey .. that's a statue.

Oh, is she? Of course.

And "stone-cold" was right.

The fifth form, I suppose. Well, they haven't wasted much time, have they?

Ah .. here is where she comes from.

I bet young Thorne was responsible for this.

Thorne?

Oh, is he a tall, skinny boy with glasses?

Yes. Do you know him? I should say I do.

Come on, let's put her back where she belongs.

Right.

Now come on .. heave.

I say, all the class must have been in on this job.

What are we going to do?

We'll have to make the best of it. That's all.

There's just about room for three of us. Oh, yes.

Excuse me.

Well, goodnight old man. Floreat Etona!

Is that her name? No. Floreat Etona at Eton.

Yes .. oh yes of course. Eton. Yes.

Well goodnight, old boy. Same to you.

Goodnight, Miss.

Oh!

I say, she is cold, isn't she.

Walcott. Hitchcock.

Bolland. Newall.

Summerville. Fontmajor.

Portemeyer. Adlemans.

Truscott.

Welcome to St. Michael's, my boy.

There's always been a Truscott at St. Michael's.

Thank you, sir. Delighted.

Mr Amberley, music. How do you do?

Mr Stock, modern languages.

You return from blissful retirement to teach for victory, Mr Lamb?

Very patriotic of you, I'm sure.

Oh, I don't know. One must do one's bit.

And what better cause than your great, British public schools?

A wonderful institution, Mr Lamb. Oh quite, quite. Yes.

Have you had the privilege of teaching at many others besides St. Michael's?

Ah .. yes. Dozens and dozens.

There was Meadow Vale.

And .. so on.

Oh, Meadow Vale. Marvellous school.

Yes. I was there for years and years.

As a matter of fact, it was the happiest time of my life.

They used to say that Meadow Vale wouldn't be Meadow Vale without Lamb.

Lamb wouldn't be lamb without mint sauce, eh Lamb?

Humphries, eh? This is a pleasure.

Mutual, I'm sure.

A long time since we met at Meadow Vale, isn't it?

Yes. Of course, yes. You were there, during my time?

Your time? Your term ..

Do you mean my first or last?

Your first and last.

Good morning, gentlemen. Good morning, sir.

I won't keep you long, gentlemen.

Now that we are safely evacuated to this remote, if romantic, spot.

I want the curriculum to proceed as normally as possible.

Mr Amberley.

Due to the topography of the castle.

I've had to allocate the harvest room to you for your piano lessons.

Mr Humphries.

The stable. Dr Winter, I protest.

You forget that I'm senior assistant and surely entitled to some consideration.

Mr Humphries, if you make a complaint, I should prefer you to do so in private.

The other classroom allocations are, I'm happy to say, of the more normal kind.

I posted a detailed list on the school noticeboard.

All that remains to do ..

Is to wish the staff a pleasant and successful term in our new surroundings.

The same to you, sir. Thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Oh, Mr Lamb. Yes, sir?

As you're new to the school I'd like a word with you.

Certainly, sir. Yes.

I've been going through your testimonials again.

Oh dear.

And I've come to the conclusion that you should take over the science classes.

If you don't mind, Mr Lamb. Science?

Well, that's very kind of you, sir. But do you think I'm good enough?

I mean, uh .. yes.

You see, I have no-one else on my staff with your qualifications. Mr Lamb.

No, I bet you haven't. But, you see ..

I thought that as it was my first term here.

If I started with, say, arithmetic and then worked my way up.

Mathematics is Mr Lambert's department.

Ah .. oh, I say, have you got anybody fixed for spelling?

Mr Redfern is taking English Literature.

What a pity.

I feel I'd be wasting your talent if I didn't make you Science Master, Mr Lamb.

And now I think you'll allow me to introduce you to the boys.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'm afraid you'll find some of the boys a little high-spirited at first.

But no doubt, you'll soon know how to deal with that.

Now your first class will be the upper fifth. This way, Mr Lamb.

Alright. Sit down.

This is our new Science Master, Mr Lamb.

Under his tuition, I shall look for some extraordinary results this term.

Well Mr Lamb, I won't keep you. I expect you're keen to get on with the job.

Thank you, sir.

Well .. morning, boys.

Watch-yer.

What did you say? Watch-yer.

Oh, were you at Eton, too? Funny.

Well, I've got one or two things to say to you before we start.

I'd like to thank a few of you for the very nice walk I had last night.

Yes. You were one of them, weren't you?

What, me?

Me? Me? What's the matter with your grammar?

She was alright the last time I saw her.

Who? My Grandma.

I didn't say your Grandma. I said 'grammar'.

Grammar.

"I am, thou art, he is. We ain't."

It is "I" .. the first person singular.

It is only "me" when it's in the ..

Predicament. Predicament.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I think you were in on it too, weren't you?

What .. I, sir?

Yes and for two pins, I'd knock .. Don't you touch him!

I wasn't going to touch him.

I was only going to show him what I'd do if he did it again.

Yes.

Before I start, you had better let me know exactly how much science you know.

Suppose you tell us exactly how much science you know.

Listen boy, it's not a question of how much I know, it's how much you know.

Why? Are you going to teach us or are we going to teach you?

I'll lay even money we have to teach him.

You'll lay what? Even money.

Even money? Why, what do you expect?

Five to one.

I mean I expect a little discipline from this class.

That's what I expect .. yes.

Now Thorne, as you're so smart.

Perhaps you'll enlighten me to the extent of your scientific knowledge.

Or lack of it.

Well, up to last term, we got as far as analysis of radioactive elements.

Internal pressures and temperatures of stars of spectral type "K".

The determination of parallax by trigonometrical calculus.

The diffusion of inert gases under the molecular disturbance of latent heat.

Is that all? Ha. You haven't earned much, have you.

In that case, we start with the law of gravity determined by Sir Isaac Pitman.

That's shorthand. The "Isaac" you want is "Newton".

I know, I know. I was only trying to catch you.

Sir Isaac Newton.

Now, the law of gravity ..

Just a minute, old boy. We had the law of gravity in our first year.

So what?

So what's the sense of taking it again when we know all about it?

You may know all about it, but I don't .. I mean ..

How do I know you all about it? Because I say so.

Oh. And am I supposed to take your word?

Yes, if you don't want to start something.

It's what I'm trying for. I'm trying to start something if you give me a chance.

Take the law of gravity.

Whether you had it in your first, your second or your last year.

And whether you know anything about it or not.

Hmm.

The law of gravity was invented by .. Sir Isaac Newton.

He didn't invent it. He discovered it.

Well, that's the same thing, isn't it? What's the matter with you?

No-no, old boy. You see you can discover gold, but you don't invent it.

Listen, get up. That's beside the point.

Isaac Newton invented, discovered the law of gravity through an apple.

What at?

What? What at?

What at? Yes. What at?

Discovered the law of gravity through an apple. What at?

What you talking about?

You said he threw an apple. What at? Who said he threw an apple?

You did. I did not.

He did, didn't he, boys? Yes.

I didn't say that at all. I didn't say he threw an apple. I said.

Sir Isaac Newton .. discovered the law of gravity .. through an apple.

Why, I didn't mean he threw the apple.

I mean that he could see through it, he was ..

Now .. Newton was ..

Newton was watching this little boy playing with a bow and arrow.

So he took the bow and arrow from the little boy.

Placed the apple on the boy's head, and sh*t it with the arrow.

The arrow fell in two and dropped on the ground.

And that is how Newton discovered the law of gravity.

Any questions?

Yes. Can we go now?

No you can't. You go when I say so. Any questions?

Yes. Haven't you got it a bit mixed, old boy?

The generally accepted legend is, Newton saw an apple fall from a tree.

The fellow who sh*t the apple off the little boy's head was William Tell.

Apart from that, you're not bad.

Well, thank you very much.

Now, the law of gravity proves that what goes up must come down.

If we throw a ball up into the air, it comes down again .. why?

Because what goes up must come down. Well, of course. Yes.

But suppose Newton hadn't discovered the law of gravity? What may have happened?

We should have lost our ball.

Nothing of the kind. The ball would have come down again.

But nobody would have known why.

Now there are some very peculiar things about this law of gravity.

You're telling us.

Yes, I'm telling you.

Now, gravity acts towards the centre of the earth.

That is why all buildings must be built straight up. So they won't fall down.

What about the leaning tower of Pisa?

The what? The leaning tower of Pisa.

The leaning tower?

Now there's an example of a building ..

Which departs from the perpendicular yet remains standing.

Oh .. I haven't got the faintest idea what you're talking about.

If you tell me a building can lean over and not fall down, you're barmy.

It's very simple. I can prove it.

Come on, boys. Give me a hand with these chairs.

Everyone take one.

Now sir, if you will allow me to put these chairs on your desk.

Wait a minute. What are you doing?

I'll just show you what I mean. This is the foundation, and this is the base.

Now we have the first story .. so.

Now we have the second story. I can't quite reach. You mind helping me, sir?

Come on, boys.

Now put it on there.

Hurry up. Now we have the third story. Wait a minute. What's all this for?

I'm just going to prove to you that a tower can lean without falling down.

Provided the centre of gravity lies within the base.

Come on.

And now we add the fifth story.

Come on, can't you get up a bit higher?

Go on, push it down.

Push that one on the top. Be careful. Yes. Alright, alright.

Now we add the seventh story.

Hang on a minute. How high you going?

The Tower of Pisa has thirty stories. Thirty?

What do you expect? I climb through the ceiling?

Oh come on. One or two more.

Come on, hurry up. I'm doing my best.

Right. That's enough.

Better be enough. I'm getting dizzy.

Now sit down on the top. Eh? Sit down?

Oh ..

You can't, you can't.

Your base is getting out of control.

Winnie the old pooh.

How's my centre of gravity now?

Mr Lamb. Yes?

Look out!

What goes up, must come down.

Is this the spot?

Yes.

I expect you've bruised your vertebrae.

Yeah. It feels as though I've broken it.

I can't think how you managed it falling off a chair.

Well, you see, it was rather a high chair.

Oh, Matron. Hello, Dr Winter.

Oh, Dr Winter. About the rat poison.

I've sent James Macleod in to Portree for it. I'll see if he's back.

That will do, Mr Lamb.

No irreparable damage, I trust?

Oh no, sir. I practically escaped scot-free, sir.

One cannot say the same I fear about the classroom furniture.

No doubt you wish to defray the cost of replacements yourself?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. No doubt, sir.

You've not made a very promising start at St. Michael's, Mr Lamb.

Oh, well.

You just wait and see, sir. There won't be any more accidents.

I can assure you of that. I sincerely hope so.

Come on, you'd better explain to the headmaster.

They don't stock it, that's all.

Surely they must keep some kind of rat poison.

They do not. There are no rats in Portree.

Nor in Dunbane, either.

Have you ever seen or heard a rat in the castle?

I'd be a poor housekeeper, Dr Winter, if I let rats run about the place unheeded.

Maybe it was the sound of the pipes that disturbed you?

The sound was a scratching one. Not gurgling.

No, no. He means the "phantom pipes".

He's always talking about them.

It was in that very room in 1344 that the mad Mackinnon took his own life ..

That'll do, Jamie.

And ever since then, the sound of the phantom ..

The fact remains, Mrs Wigmore, that there are rats.

And I refuse to go on taking sleeping draughts to get a good night's rest.

You're a chemistry expert, aren't you, Mr Lamb?

Yes, I suppose so.

Surely you could make some rat poison in your laboratory?

Well, I could if I had the proper ingredients.

It's mostly strychnine, isn't it?

Is it? Of course. Yes it is. Is it?

Well then, if it's not troubling you too much, Mr Lamb.

What? To prepare some poison for you, sir? Oh, no trouble at all.

It will be a pleasure.

I mean .. for the rats.

Well, I'll do it straight away, sir.

This man, Lamb. What about him?

I knew him at Meadow Vale. He's an incompetent fool.

What an earth possessed you to engage him?

That's my business, Mr Humphries. Kindly moderate your tone.

It's my business, too.

When I succeed to your post, I have no wish to inherit a staff of halfwits.

You see this letter?

It's a request to the board of governors.

That you be relieved of your duties at the end of the present term.

What?

Come in.

Well, don't blame me if your charming epistle has unexpected repercussions.

Oh, Dr Winter.

I come in to tell you that I've put the rat poison in your room.

Thank you.

If you tell me where the hole is, I'll bung it in for you.

That's no trouble.

Oh. Well, is there anything else I can do for you?

Any .. any letters to post?

That would be kind of you. Yes.

Well, that was one in the breadbasket for him, wasn't it.

Beg your pardon?

Why wait until the end of the term. Why not sling him out on his ear now?

Mr Lamb. Assistant Masters are not expected to eavesdrop.

Oh, aren't they? Oh.

Well, I must remember that. I was forgetting I wasn't headmaster.

Well, goodnight, sir.

Goodnight.

And good hunting.

Cigarette, Mr Lamb? Huh?

Cigarette? Why? Is something wrong with them?

That letter. I'm going for a stroll. Put it in the post for you, shall I?

Thanks .. but .. I prefer to it myself.

I shouldn't bother. You've missed the last collection.

That's alright. I think it will be safer in the box. Pleasant dreams.

Yes.

Boys, boys.

Here's to the opening night of the Dunbane bottle party.

Okay boys .. dive in.

Hey, look .. the door.

Scram!

Jones .. the light!

Alright. Come on, open the other one as well.

Come out of it! Come on. Oh, sir!

There's an odd smell in here. Is there, sir?

There wasn't before you came in, sir. Well there is now.

So there is, sir.

Reminds me of lobster.

There it is. Lobster. Good heavens, sir.

I don't know how it got there. No? You'd better by tomorrow morning.

Right boys. Don't lie there with your eyes shut. I know what's going on.

What a nerve. Eating lobster at this time of night.

I's quite fresh, sir. I caught it in the loch this morning.

Fresh? That's beside the point.

You know jolly well that feasting in the dormitory is strictly forbidden.

I take a very, very serious view of this matter.

Yes.

What have you got here? Nothing at all, sir.

Oh. Nothing, eh?

Ah, whiskey.

Whiskey, sir? Oh no, sir. It's lemonade.

Oh, "Lemonade" is it? Oh.

Oh, fancy.

It clearly tastes like whiskey to me. Still, if you say it's only lemonade ..

Anyway, it doesn't make the slightest difference.

Eating lobsters and drinking whiskey, lemonade, on top of them.

It's enough to give a grown man nightmares. Never mind boys like you.

Well, I shall report this.

Sir, Halloween comes but once a year.

Who? Halloween.

What's she to do with it?

The feast of Halloween, sir. An old Scottish custom.

It's our first visit, so we ought to observe it.

Oh come on, be a sport, sir.

Well I .. don't know. Please, sir. Everyone does it.

Do they?

Well, if it only comes once a year.

Oh thank you, sir. Come on boys, Mr Lamb says eat, drink and be merry.

Welcome to the Dunbane bottle party. The snappiest nightspot in the Isle Of Skye.

Help yourself. Eats and drinks on the house, sir.

Here sir. Help yourself. Here .. wait a minute.

Do you think we ought to have somebody keeping watch, in case anybody came up?

Good idea, sir. Bernie, go and keep a lookout.

Okay.

That's better. You know ..

You boys ought to be more careful where you throw your rubbish.

The tin you threw out the window hit me on my head.

It may hit a man who mattered.

I mean somebody who understands less about boys than I do.

Besides, it's very untidy.

You must put your rubbish in a paper bag.

Oh, thanks for the tip, sir. Here boys, put all your rubbish in this paper bag.

Hey. How about another spot of whiskey .. uh, lemonade, sir?

Yes, I think I will. Yes.

Well, they grow jolly good lemons in Scotland, don't they?

[ Singing: ]

"It's as far as I want to go. It's as far as I want to go."

"I'll be pleased to dine with you at the rooty-tooty-too."

"All I've got, is a threepenny bit, and so .."

"If you don't mind having your fish and chips, that's as far as I want to go."

Hey, it's Humphries.

Mr Lamb!

Do you make a practice of crawling under boys' beds in the middle of the night?

As a matter of fact, sir, I was looking for rats.

Rats? Yes. Yes, rats.

Why the lobster claw?

Well, that's the Scottish method of catching rats.

You grip a rat by the back of the neck with the claw and you shake it to death.

Your breath smells of whiskey. If you ask me Mr Lamb, you are drunk.

Drunk? Certainly not, sir. I've been drinking lemonade.

Smells like whiskey to me.

I know. It tastes like whiskey, too. But it's lemonade, just the same.

I'm perfectly sober. Perfectly. Any test you like.

Swans swim under the bridge.

Swim, swum, swim.

Swans swim under the bridge.

Swam, swim .. swom?

I wouldn't have tried that if I was you. Too much for you in your condition.

It's too much for you in your condition. I'm perfectly sober, Mr Lamb!

Yeah? Well, prove it. Go on, say it. I shall do nothing of the sort.

He's scared. I'm nothing of the kind!

Swans swim under the bridge. Swim, swum, swam.

Sam swans under the bridge.

Sam swum under the bridge! Ha-ha-ha!

He couldn't say it. Ha-ha.

He couldn't say it. Could he, boys.

He couldn't swim .. he's tight!

Silence, boys! This minute!

[ Bagpipe music: ]

Shush.

Bagpipes.

The lament to the Mackinnon.

The lament to the Mackinnon.

Hark .. to .. the phantom pipes!

Played while the Mackinnon, mad with grief, drank deep a deadly poison.

And fell back writhing in agony, beside the body of his bride.

The Headmaster.

He's dead. Aye. Dead.

As the mad Mackinnon d*ed in this very room.

Six hundred years ago.

This will bring a great deal of harm to the school.

Parents are difficult creatures at the best of times. Now ..

The su1c1de of a headmaster. Poor man. There was something wrong for some time.

q*eer delusions he had, and then this sudden obsession with rats.

What do you mean? There were no rats?

James Macleod's been here for 30 years says he's never seen the trace of one.

By the way, you understand that you take over the headmastership?

I'm greatly honoured, Sir Ambrose.

We'll have a talk when I get back next week.

There are certain changes.

Oh, that reminds me. That fellow Lamb is a bitter disappointment.

He's lazy, incompetent and seems to have no authority whatever over the boys.

Well sack him, my dear fellow. Sack him. I'm afraid there's nothing else to do.

I can't understand why they don't hold an inquest.

Inquests cost money. They are awful mean in Scotland, you ken.

I gather they only hold them when they suspect foul play.

Well, why shouldn't there have been foul play?

There's something jolly sinister about Baa-Lamb making the rat poison himself.

Oh, put a sock in it. You read too many detective stories.

You know the one I was reading on the way up?

"My Aunt Lies Bleeding".

The nephew murders the aunt with strychnine, too.

Hey!

Hey. Fellow clansmen.

The MacThorne, of the MacThorne.

Brings fateful tidings.

Our Baa-Lamb is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

He's a m*rder*r.

That will teach you to call me "Baa-Lamb".

Then you don't deny you're a m*rder*r, sir?

Do you mean I'd like to m*rder you? Yes .. no.

But seriously, sir.

What was to prevent you swapping the rat poison for Dr Winter's sleeping draught?

Well, nothing at all. Aha.

If I wanted to Hey, wait a minute.

That's an interesting theory.

Yes, I could have put the ..

But what motive would I have? Well ..

Do you know "My Aunt Lies Bleeding"?

Does she? Well, am I responsible for that, too?

I don't believe you've got an aunt at all. Get back to your place.

Now .. this morning .. we'll ..

We'll begin with the barbiturate group of acids.

Any questions?

Listen, I say that. That's my privilege.

Now the nature of an acid is clearly shown by its action upon a metal.

If sulphuric or nitric acid is allowed to come into contact with zinc.

We have seen that hydrogen is given off.

And the metal goes into solution.

Do you think he really knows something after all?

Now then. What are the properties of acids?

Well, come on, come on. What do acids usually do?

Give us indigestion.

I know that. Can't you keep your mind off food for a moment.

What have I just told you that acids do?

Well, they generate a lot of gas.

I think that's just what he meant, sir.

I don't want any comic remarks from you.

Now you. What are the properties of sulphuric ..?

Well, what do you want?

The new headmaster wishes to see you in his study.

The new headmaster? Aye. Mr Humphries.

Humphries?

Strewth.

Well in that case I'd better come, hadn't I.

Yes.

"Advance Chemistry by GW Smith."

The old so-and-so.

Come in.

Alright. Alright. You needn't bother to say it.

I resign. Quite. Pack your bags and go.

Certainly.

Just as soon as I get a cheque for my full term's salary.

You forfeit that by resigning.

Oh do I? Well, I don't resign then. Go on, sack me.

I refuse to do anything of the sort. Very well. I'll get back to my class.

You'll not go back to class, nor get a term's salary. You will leave tomorrow.

Listen. You'll hear from my lawyers. Good. What's their name and address?

Well ..

It's in my other clothes. Ha.

Thorne! How dare you do a thing like that.

Poor old Baa-Lamb has just got the push. Has he really?

Well .. would you .. would you consider letting me stay on?

Say, just for the board and keep. This is not an Alms House, Lamb.

Goodbye. Well, goodbye.

If any school wants a reference for you, just refer them to me.

Yes. And if any parents want a reference for this school, you refer them to me!

Yes, well put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I say old boy, I'm terribly sorry.

Sorry? What about? About you getting the sack.

Sack? Oh no. I've resigned.

Oh yeah? Oh yeah.

I'd not let anybody sack me .. yes.

If only that letter had been posted 24 hours earlier.

Good heavens, I didn't post it at all. Well what is it? Something important?

Important? I should say it is.

A letter from Dr Winter to Sir Ambrose demanding Humphries resignation.

How do you know what's in it?

Well .. you see I was going to see Dr Winter.

And I was just about to knock on the door and I heard voices raised inside.

So you stuck your earhole against the door. Disgraceful.

Yes.

Well, I like that. And you've just been doing it to me.

They were going at it hammer and tongs.

One phrase Humphries used I remember. He said ..

"Don't blame me if that charming epistle has unpleasant repercussions."

Let's have a look at it. What, open somebody else's letter?

Oh yes. I think it would be perfectly justified in the circumstances.

Especially as you know what's in it.

You think so?

Well .. come in here.

Here we are. There it is.

Well, what on earth is this?

"I hear noises in my head day and night."

"It is driving me mad. I must end it all."

"End it all .. Jamie Winter."

Well, what on earth ..? It doesn't say anything of Humphries.

Winter must have been going crackers. Nonsense. He was a sane as I am.

Oh, that isn't saying much. Hmm.

Oh, well as sane as I am. Well, that is saying less.

Listen. Inspector Thorne of the CID has solved the Winter mystery.

Humphries is about to get the sack. He's desperate.

He's got to get rid of Winter's letter and Winter.

He pinches the letter from your pocket and substitutes this one.

Then he substitutes the rat poison and the sleeping draught.

Verdict: su1c1de while of unsound mind.

You know, I do fear that makes Humphries a m*rder*r.

Sure it does! And it's up to us to get him hanged.

Suits me.

Look here. Supposing Winter didn't write that letter?

It doesn't prove that Humphries didn't write it either, does it?

Yes, it does .. what .. say that again.

If Humphries ..

My Aunt Lies Bleeding. I beg your pardon.

Don't keep saying that silly remark. It's a detective story.

The nephew murders the aunt ..

Because she discovers he's forged her signature on a cheque.

And they prove the signature was his.

Because of the chemical composition of the ink, see?

No, I'm awfully sorry. I'm afraid I don't.

Anyway, Humphries wasn't Winter's aunt, was he. Or was he?

Not as far as we know. But why go in to that?

No two makes of ink have the same chemical ingredients.

So, all we have to do is get a specimen of Humphries' writing.

Analyse the ink, and see if it is the same as the substitute letter.

Yes. But wait a minute.

We don't know if Humphries and Winter used different inks, do we.

Or do we? You've got me talking that way now.

We'll have to get a specimen of Winter's writing as well.

Now look.

We shan't be able to that analysis until after prep this evening, shall we.

Tis-bags. Who's that?

You.

Hey, don't be so disrespectful. 'Tis-bags'.

Get a specimen of Winter's writing.

Baa-Lamb.

That's you. I know, I know.

Come on, back to the fold.

Mr Tisdaile.

Humphries. Quick.

Why aren't you giving your backward boys, physics?

They look very well to me, sir. Physics. By Jove, I'll give them physics.

There we are. Now, all we want is Humphries' sample and then we're okay.

I wonder what's keeping Tisdaile? He ought to have got something by now.

There you are.

You got a sample of Humphries' writing?

I'll bring it in.

Bring it in? What's he talking about?

Here it is. Written in Humphries' own handwriting himself.

In front of a class full of witnesses.

Oh .. listen. We don't want a sample of his writing.

We want a sample of his ink. Oh. Do you?

Yes. Well this is chalk, I think.

Yes. It is.

What are we going to do now? I know.

Humphries set us an essay on that beastly thing.

And he wrote a whole lot of nasty things on the bottom of mine.

Just as I said. And it's in ink, too.

Now we can proceed with the test. Yes. But wait a minute.

Considering there's about 57 varieties of ink.

There's red ink, blue ink, black-and-blue ink.

Violet ink, marking ink, Indian ink, Post Office ink.

Invisible ink.

Invisible ink. How can we tell if ..?

Invisible ink? If it's invisible how can we test it?

No. We can't, can we. Of course we can't.

We're concerned with only two varieties of ink. Humphries' ink and Winter's ink.

Listen. Which test are we going to make first? Density and penetration or fumes?

Uh .. density and penetration?

Do the fumes test first. Carry on. Well, what do I do?

Why, hasn't he explained it to you?

Go on, tell him.

Well you see, you put a sample over the fumes, one by one and compare reactions.

Yes, that's right. Yes.

Well, we'll want some fumes, won't we. Rather. I love them.

What? Prunes.

Prunes? I said "fumes".

Fumes. Now, let me see. Where are we going ..?

Ah.

I'll bet this is full of fumes.

Oh, it's lovely.

No, no, no. We can't use that.

Why not? Why, that's what dentists use.

Oh, what for? Teeth.

What, for cleaning them? No. For taking them out.

They blow them out?

That's laughing gas. What we want is ammonia.

Ammonia, ammonia? Here we are. Ammonia.

I say, it's very strong, isn't it.

You ought to get a lot of reactions out of this.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ..

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ..

If you two have finished playing games, we'll get on with the fumes test.

Here we are. I think it's dangerous leaving all these things lying about.

We'll start with Dr Winter's sample. Alright.

What do I do? Nothing.

What do I do? Nothing.

Oh .. well, what's happening? Nothing.

I think it's a waste of time.

Your .. your fumes test.

Well, some things aren't affected by them. We'll try the letter.

Yes. Well I still think it's a waste of time, you know.

Oh I say, I say. Look, look.

It's .. it's turning a reddish brown. Let's have a look at it.

Yes, so it is. So there's a lot of iron in the ink.

Maybe he left his nib in it.

If Humphries' sample goes the same colour, we've got him.

Good. Go on, try it.

Why, I do believe.

Yes, it's the same colour. By Jove, we've done it.

What? I'm blowed if I don't think we have, too.

What to do? Third-degree him? No. Inform the police.

Aye, it looks to me like Mr Humphries is right on the spot.

Rather. Yes.

Yes. He's right on the spot.

All the time, I've always said he's the ideal man for the headmaster's job.

Yes, I .. oh hello Mr Humphries.

What's going on here?

Do all of you realize preparations have already begun?

Yes, sir. You see I came to infume him. Inform him.

May I ask why you are still on the premises?

Well, I couldn't leave last night. The ferry wasn't working.

I think the water was too rough or something.

In that case, how did Sir Ambrose manage to cross early this morning?

Well, I suppose he swum it.

There is no need to be facetious.

Whether you reach the mainland or not is of no interest whatever to me.

Go to your room now, and leave the building first thing in the morning.

In the morning? I may leave before then.

Hey! Baa-Lamb. You and Tis-bags go to the police immediately.

Go on!

And you maintain that your chemical test of the ink proves the su1c1de letter ..

Presumably written by Dr Winter, was in actual fact ..

A forgery on the part of Mr Humphries?

I do. Yes.

What did you say your name was?

This is Mr Tisdaile. My name is Lamb.

Hmm .. I didn't mind your face.

Oh. I don't mind yours, either.

Will you sign that statement, please. Very good, officer.

So you're the body who made the poison with which Dr Winter k*lled himself?

We've just been trying to tell you he didn't k*ll himself .. he was m*rder*d.

Aye? Yes.

Yes, absolutely. Undoubtedly.

He'll tell you all about it if you give him a chance.

Yes. It's not a pleasant thing to have to do, but ..

I decided the only course left open for me to take, was to come to the police.

You could not do better, man.

Tell me now.

Was it your conscience that made you decide to confess?

Confess?

I'm not confessing, I'm accusing.

Do you mean it was not yourself that committed the m*rder?

Of course it wasn't. We were just telling you who did.

Have you any proof? Proof?

We've got foolproof proof. Absolutely foolproof.

I've got the exhibits here. You look for yourself.

You'll see the ink on Dr Winter's notice has remained absolutely unchanged.

Whereas the ink on the others has gone a sort of reddish-brown.

That's due to the penetration of the pigment in the ..

Ink. In the ink, you see.

Everyone knows Winter wrote that notice. Humphries must have written the other.

If this is your idea of a joke, I'm thinking you'll regret it.

A joke?

There is no writing of any kind on these.

What the ..? No writing on them .. what? Well, what's happened?

It must have rubbed off in your pocket.

Rubbed off in my pocket? It's that clever Mr Percy again.

Him and his fumes test. He's gone and fumed it off altogether.

Well, I am absolutely positive that Mr Humphries forged that letter.

If you don't believe me.

You come up to school with us. I'll accuse him of it face to face.

Excuse me.

Aye, this is the police.

Who?

Oh, very well.

I'll be coming up to Dunbane. Ah, now you're talking.

Aye, but we'll not be talking to Mr Humphries.

For He's just been found dead in the Great Bedchamber.

Call James Macleod.

Holding a judicial inquiry in a barn. It is preposterous.

It's the ancient Court of Justice of the island, sir.

There is so little crime they've leased it to Mr McDowell for his cows.

Ah!

I'm warning you. Get out of here. Turn those ducks out!

Certainly, sir .. boys, the ducks.

Your bird, I think.

You sir. Yes?

Are these boys in your charge?

Well .. they were, but I'm not so sure about now.

Well, keep them in order.

Yes, sir. Yes. Alright boys, you can sit down.

Call James Macleod.

James Macleod. Not you.

James Macleod!

And don't let those ducks in again.

No, sir. No.

It was you who found the body? Aye.

As I entered the Great Bedchamber, there was Mr Humphries lying stiff and stark.

And the sound of the phantom pipes wailing through the castle.

Phantom pipes?

It's a famous legend here in the Isle, sir.

Whenever the phantom pipes are heard ..

There is a death in Dunbane Castle.

Ah, so .. superstitious nonsense.

Now, Macleod.

Had the deceased recently quarrelled with anyone?

Aye. In a manner of speaking, he had.

With whom? With Mr Lamb, the Chemistry Master.

He gave him the sack. Oh, did he?

Can you see this Mr Lamb in court?

Aye. I'm looking at him the now.

Why are they looking at you like that? I don't know.

You may stand down, Macleod.

Call Sergeant Macfarlan. Sergeant Macfarlan!

Turn that cow out!

Sergeant Macfarlan. Aye, sir.

Dr Ritchie has told us in his evidence.

That the deceased d*ed from asphyxiation due to prussic acid gas.

Have you discovered how the gas could have reached its victim?

Aye, sir. Coming from the flue from the room beneath the bedroom.

It was used as a laboratory. Oh.

Had any particular person free access to that room?

Aye, sir. Mr Lamb, the Chemist Master.

It's alright, old man. I don't think you did it.

Oh .. thank you very much.

That will be all, Sergeant.

And turn those pigs out!

Certainly, sir. Boys, the pigs.

Call William Lamb. William Lamb.

William Lamb? Yes, sir.

So, you are the Chemistry Master? Yes, sir.

I .. put that pig down at once, sir!

Alright .. here you are. I don't want it!

Oh, well ..

I don't want it.

Oh alright, alright.

Mr Lamb.

It was you who supplied the poison taken by Dr Winter, the previous headmaster?

You're putting it a bit unfairly, aren't you?

I gave him the poison for the rats. Not for himself.

In my opinion he didn't take it off his own hook.

My theory is that .. The court has no desire to hear it.

We are here to enquire into the death of Mr Humphries.

Not Dr Winter.

Well, I like that. Considering it was him that dragged Dr Winter's name in.

Kindly confine yourself to answering the Fiscal's questions, Mr Lamb.

Alright. Well, go ahead.

And I don't like being stared at.

Oh sorry.

Poor old Baa-Lamb. He's on the carpet again.

You think he really did Humphries in? Good for him.

Don't be an ass. He hasn't the brains.

Now then.

This chemistry laboratory of yours.

Was a supply of prussic acid customarily kept there?

I shouldn't be surprised.

Mr Lamb.

As Science Master, you ought to be know the contents of your own laboratory.

Yes, well.

I did start making a catalogue.

But I only got as far as the letter "O" you see.

Most of that stuff was with the school before I came.

Oh, I see.

Well, perhaps some of your pupils are better informed?

Can any of you boys give me a more definite answer?

Yes sir, I can. I saw a bottle of prussic acid on Mr Lamb's desk.

It was when he was trying to tell us what you can do with acids.

Trying to tell you?

That's right, sir.

He didn't know anything about it at all. He couldn't have gassed old Humphries.

Oh yes I could!

I know all there is to know about acids.

Put him out at once!

Not the doctor! The goat!

Ah! Bless my soul!

So, you're quite an authority on acids, Mr Lamb?

Perhaps you would describe to the court the process to create prussic acid gas?

Yes. You ..

Let me see now ..

Yes. Yes, of course.

Yes, you take a bottle of prussic acid and ..

You pour some of it into something.

And .. put it on the copper until it comes to the boil.

And well, the steam it gives off is prussic acid gas.

Oh. Is that correct, Dr Ritchie?

Certainly not, sir.

In no conceivable circumstances could the gas in question be generated.

By heating hydrogen cyanide. Thank you, doctor.

I'm not talking about hydrogen cyanide.

I'm talking about prussic acid.

They are alternative names for the same thing.

Oh yes. Of course, yes. I was forgetting that for a moment.

Anyway, my calculations are correct. You look for yourself.

Pig. Here, here. Here!

I put it to you, Mr Lamb.

Either you are grossly incompetent to teach chemistry ..

Or you are making a puerile attempt to avoid an accusation ..

Of having caused the death of Mr Humphries.

Hey, wait a minute.

You try to prove that I m*rder*d Humphries?

I am trying to arrive at the truth.

Yes. Well, if I'd been going to k*ll him that way ..

You don't think I'd be fool enough to mess with acids beforehand, do you?

Quite possibly. You may have reckoned on everyone just saying what you just said.

Ha! Well, if I'd been clever enough for that ..

I'd have been clever enough to know you were going to say what you just said.

So it wouldn't be any use my saying what I said. Would it?

You can't possibly have known that I would say what I've said I just said.

Listen. If you're trying to say that I wouldn't have said what I said I'd say.

If you said what you said you would have said.

Well, all I can say is: fiddlesticks.

Silence in court!

Mr Lamb.

Unless you show unimpeachable testimony regarding your character and record.

I shall ask the court to detain you for further questioning.

Well, I can vouch for him.

Never I have I met a more charming and delightful person than Mr Lamb.

And his knowledge is exceptional.

Some of the things he's taught me are absolutely astounding.

I had no idea how little I knew.

Or that anybody could be so ignorant until I met Mr Lamb.

I can well believe that.

He told me, that while he was a student at Heidelberg.

If it hadn't have been for a chance remark to Professor Einstein ..

There would have been no theory of relativity.

In fact, he actually worked it out for him.

Very interesting. But it does not concern us.

Oh. Well .. anyway.

He is an old Etonian.

Indeed?

And when were you at Eton, Mr Lamb?

Well, it would be from 1898 to ..

To 1902.

Strange.

I was at Eton myself at that time. I've no recollection of any boy named "Lamb".

Well .. maybe you're thinking of the Eton near Windsor.

I mean the Eton in ..

Ohio. U.S.A.

We've got to get the old boy out of this mess.

Please sir, may I support Mr Tisdaile?

Everyone in our part of Shropshire likes and respects Mr Lamb.

Why, he's the most popular master the hunt has ever had.

Furthermore. He's certain to be returned to Parliament at the next election.

I must warn you, Mr Tisdaile, and you boy.

That if you have been lying, you will be held guilty of contempt of court.

In the circumstances, Mr Lamb, I'll not interfere with your liberty of movement.

Thank you very much.

But I must say I consider your conduct throughout the whole of this matter ..

To be scarcely that of a person of normal, sane intelligence.

There will be a further police investigation.

During which I need you to hold yourself available for questioning at any time.

Oh .. any time you like.

Well, so long. Goodbye.

How dare you! What are you doing here?

Times up. Milking time.

I say. I didn't know there was an Eton in the United States.

Well, the Isle of White is not the only place where there is cows, you know.

If that's another reporter, go away.

It isn't, it's me. Percy Thorne in the flesh.

Oh.

See, I'm .. I'm just packing up.

I'm going down to my little place in .. Shropshire.

Well, what do you want?

Us chaps in the Upper Fifth, we ..

We thought we'd like to make you a little presentation.

We hadn't time to get you a cigarette-case or anything.

So we thought you wouldn't mind accepting the ..

The cash instead.

Our best wishes.

Hmm.

Blimey, they're genuine.

But I couldn't possibly take ..

I mean ..

I'm afraid it's only five quid.

We couldn't raise more at short notice.

Well, I .. I don't know what to say.

You see, it's ..

Well, come on. I've got to get my bag packed.

We will have difficulty in getting any member of the staff to accept that post.

Well personally, I was quite frank with him.

Sir Ambrose, I said. You may think me absurdly superstitious, but ..

Two headmasters have gone. What chance of a third?

He even offered it to me, and I'm not a British subject.

They're having trouble with the parents, I believe.

They do not like these deaths. Exactly! You wait.

If this sort of thing goes on, we'll all be shunted back to England again.

Going to see Sir Ambrose, Tisdaile?

Yes. I don't know what it is unless it's about my backward boys.

They've been writing the most advanced things on walls.

I think you will find it is something more serious than that.

Oh.

You .. you sent for me, sir?

Ah yes, Tisdaile. Have a cigar.

A cigar? Sit down.

Sit? Really sit?

My boy, I've been looking up your record.

It seems to me the way you've handled your backward boys ..

Has produced some remarkable results. Really, sir? Really?

Therefore, I have decided to offer you the headmastership of St. Michael's.

Oh .. me? I mean .. I? Yes, you.

I say!

But what about the senior masters? I believe in giving you this chance.

This modern age belongs to you.

Bold, enterprising youth!

Yes, by Jove. I'll certainly do my best. Good.

Thank you very much, sir. Oh, that's marvellous.

There now, I must be off.

Make yourself at home in your new sanctum.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Goodbye. Goodbye, sir.

Masters and boys of St. Michael's.

Doubtless you have heard of my new appointment.

And I hope this appointment will not be a disappointment.

I .. no, that's no good.

Oh, virile, enterprising ..

Master of the boys.

I give you three guesses as to what I am.

I ..

Masters and boys of St. Michael's.

I am your new headmaster.

And if you don't like it, you can lump it.

Lamb!

Goodbye, my lad. Goodbye, sir.

Good luck. Thank you.

Hey, that's not your car.

Hello Sir Ambrose. Are you coming along, too?

Get out of my car!

Oh, your car is it? Can I give you a lift? I mean ..

Will you .. Get out!

Oh, alright. No need to lose your temper.

Where to, Sir Ambrose? The ferry.

Well, I suppose I'll have to walk it again.

I've got a lovely surprise for you. Huh?

You, you may not have to go. Why?

Well, I'm the new headmaster.

What?

Yes. Sir Ambrose appointed me over the heads of all the others.

So you won't have to go.

Oh. Well in that case, what about giving me back the five quid?

You're in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?

I'll keep it a day or two.

I say, appointing him headmaster?

Why, Sir Ambrose must be a bit barmy.

I'll bet you ten bob to a tanner the other masters weren't passed over.

They turned it down.

That's what I can't understand. I'd have thought they'd have leapt at the chance.

What, with two masters done in already? Not likely.

Who'd want to be the third?

Yes, who would? Yes, rather ..

What? Third? Good gracious, that's me!

Yes, that's right. Still, it may be a case of third time lucky.

Yes, but he can't do that to me. I'm not the fool I think I am.

He deliberately put me in a position .. A piece of cheese in a mousetrap.

Yes. Well I refuse to be a piece of cheese!

Hey, come back! Hey!

Now, now listen. We're out to catch this m*rder*r or bust.

The only way to catch him is red-handed.

How can he be red-handed if there is no headmaster for him to m*rder?

There you are. That's logical enough. Yes. But I won't do it.

Don't you think you're being a bit selfish, old boy?

You are taking away my only chance to make a hundred percent comeback.

Yes. But why should I make myself a stalking horse?

Make up your mind if you're going to be a horse or the cheese.

I'm surprised at you, sir. So am I.

So am I.

But I will not have myself butchered for Roman whatsisname.

You can lead a lamb to slaughter. But you can't make him drink.

Hey, wait. It's you going to slaughter. Not me, you know.

Mr Tisdaile. Do you wish me to move your possessions to the Great Bedchamber?

Certainly not! Yes.

Very good.

The Great Bedchamber .. that's where Humphries and Winter were m*rder*d.

We don't want to make it more difficult for the m*rder*r than necessary, do we?

No. But I will not put myself in the mousetrap and sleep.

I won't, I won't, I won't!

I won't .. I won't go to sleep anyway.

You can't make me do that. I'll sit up all night.

Well, let's hope you won't have to.

Very likely he'll make a s*ab at you before long.

s*ab?

Well, whichever way he wants to do it.

Let's see now. Humphries and Winter got it in the neck about ..

About eleven o'clock.

Well, what's the time now?

A quarter to.

Oh!

These are the best I could get.

They finished furnishing the armoury at the time of the Battle of Hastings.

Not very modern are they.

I don't know what you're grumbling about.

The other two corpses hadn't any weapons at all.

Well, you'd better take your pick. Is that loaded?

You bet. Found some powder and sh*t in the armoury.

Right, I'll have it.

No you won't, no. You might let it off and hurt yourself.

I'd better take this. All you've got to do is lie there and wait to be m*rder*d.

Only, we've got to catch the m*rder*r. Oh yes, of course. Yes.

Suppose you miss him? We won't.

Here you are. Take these just in case.

Yes .. if you see him first.

Give us a shout for help. We shan't be far away.

Yes, but look here. How do I know if I do see him?

I mean, in time to do any good?

We don't know who he is. Who is he?

We hadn't thought of that, had we.

If you ask me it's Stock. He says he's a Swiss.

Bet you anything he's a n*zi agent. What?

Don't be silly. What would they gain by having him bumped off?

That won't win the w*r for them.

Hey .. in a book I once read, it said ..

Hey listen, we've heard enough of your bleeding aunt.

What we've got to do is find the motive. That will give us the m*rder*r.

Now, supposing I wanted to k*ll three headmasters.

Oh. Two, old boy.

No. I'm including you. Now, what motive would I have?

Well, none that I can think of.

Well, not for the first two anyway.

On second thoughts it might be Jamie.

He doesn't like the school being here.

Yes .. yes, that's right.

He's crazy enough to have us all bumped off, isn't he.

He started with headmasters and worked his way down.

He knew about the rat-poison, too. He could easily of ..

Shush .. listen.

Somebody is coming.

Who's there?

Come in.

I've brought you up a glass of milk.

That's very kind of you, but I didn't order any milk.

I did the same for the other two Headmasters.

It will help to put you to sleep.

Oh yes, I'm sure it will.

Thank you very much. Goodnight to you.

And may you rest in peace.

Rest in peace?

He means "RIP". Yes, that's right.

Well, do you think it's safe to drink? Not if you want to poison yourself.

Anyway, there is one thing we can be sure of.

If the m*rder*r used poison or poison gas.

He's unlikely to use either of them again.

Oh, good. He wants to keep us guessing.

Well, what do you think he will use? Well, there are dozens of things.

Yes, there is electrocution. Powdered glass.

Black widow spiders. Brides in the bath.

Snakes down the bedside bell rope. What?

Phew! By Jove, that was a bit of luck. What?

There isn't a bell rope. Oh well, he won't use that.

Hey.

He's quite likely to use secret panel instead.

Well, can't I sleep somewhere else?

Can't we call the whole thing off until tomorrow?

Spoil the whole thing? No, you stay where you are.

Well, we'd better have a look round.

There is an echo. That was me.

Well, don't do it then! Leave it to me.

Didn't I tell you not to do that? I didn't do that .. did you?

No. But I heard it, too. So did I.

It seemed to come from over there. Oh.

Hey, the p*stol is gone.

Did you take it after all? No.

Well, it's gone anyway. Who could have taken it?

Why, the m*rder*r of course.

What? But how?

I don't know, but it shows he means business.

Pipes!

Now is our chance to get him.

What shall I do? Well, listen.

You stay here. And if he gets by us and tries to m*rder you ..

Don't let him do it before we get back. Yes.

What?

Come on.

After you.

[ Bagpipe music: ]

It comes from up there somewhere. The battlements.

Yes.

[ Bagpipe music: ]

He's up here alright. Yes, sounds like it.

Why, it's only Anthony and Cleopatra. "Only Anthony and .. "

Go on, get out of it! Get away!

Well, that settles that. Yes.

Ha!

If it's those cats again, they're meowing in tune this time.

It's the pipes. Down below!

Stick it old boy, stick it old boy. You're doing fine.

The bride the Mackinnon took in his arms that night was drowned, cold and stark.

They laid her body in the Great Bedchamber.

Headmaster!

Jamie!

Mr Tisdaile, are you not there?

Headmaster ..

Mr Tisdaile, where are you?

Do you not hear the pipes?

Save yourself, save yourself.

Oh Mr Tisdaile, where are you?

Save yourself ..

Ahh!

If it's those cats again, I'll wring your neck.

Hey! What?

It's not coming from the battlements.

It's coming from behind this wall.

This wall? Yes.

Don't be silly. These walls are absolutely solid.

Hey, what the ..? Look ..

It's a secret chamber.

Look .. there is your phantom pipes.

This must be where the m*rder*r started from.

It used to be the t*rture chamber, I bet.

You know, racks .. and thumbscrews.

I wonder how you turn this thing off.

Hey, stop that noise.

[ Bagpipe music: ]

Ritzy.

Ritzy.

The phantom pipes.

I can't hear anything.

They've stopped now, but ..

There's something wrong with your phantom earhole.

I get the idea. He puts the record on, then while it's still playing ..

He creeps out and ..

Yes. I suppose ..

Tisdaile!

Hey, where's the door? Somebody's taken it away.

We must have turned a secret switch. Hey, there's another way out there.

This must be the way the m*rder*r went.

Yeah? Well, go on then. Oh no.

It's your turn now. After you..

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

He's got me.

Great Scott! It's Lamb.

Don't be an ass. He's not the ..

Wait a minute. What are you supposed to be?

I thought if I was mechanized, it would help a bit.

Mechanized!

You get him?

No, not like to. He'll put it off for a week now.

[ Female scream! ]

What's that? I don't know. He hasn't put it off.

It's up on the battlements. It's those cats again.

[ Female voice: ] Let me go .. let me go!

I never heard a cat say that before.

Let me go! Give me the g*n!

Let me go! Let me go!

Look .. I told you so!

Get off her!

Are you alright, Mrs Wigmore? Come on. Help me with her.

Sit down.

Here we are.

What's that? It's only Tis-bags.

Yes. A sort of battledress. That's right.

It's alright. I will be better in a minute.

He was signalling.

I saw the light flashing, came out, and he att*cked me.

We'd better lock him up and phone the police.

Where is a safe place? I'll show you.

I wonder who he was signalling to.

What does it matter? We've got him. Come on, help me lift him up.

Turn him over. Right.

This way.

It's a very good idea.

This is the t*rture chamber.

Oh, a radiogram. They are very up to date with their tortures.

Don't be silly. That's where the pipes come from.

Yes. It frightened everybody to death. Except me of course.

Are you sure it's absolutely safe?

Oh, yes. No-one can get out of this room once the door is shut.

He's safe alright.

Hey, look. He's coming round.

Ah, you thought you'd get away with it, didn't you.

You've got to stop her. She's a .. n*zi agent.

Oh come off it. Don't try that stuff.

I'm from the Secret Service.

I caught her signalling a submarine.

It looks as if he was right.

They've been using the castle to land spies from submarines.

There is one due tonight. When they come in, our chaps will get them.

She's trying to stop them.

You've got to stop her.

I can't believe Mrs Wigmore signalling a submarine and blowing the phantom pipes.

Not to mention a couple of murders.

To think I let her rub my back with embrocation.

Well, we have to get out somehow, to stop her signalling that submarine.

But how?

What's that? What's what?

Something is rumbling.

Well, it isn't me.

I say.

Either you're getting taller, or the ceiling is coming down.

By Jove, you're right. So it is.

This is one of the tortures.

She's not taking any chances. It's going to squash us flat.

Can't we escape through that grating?

What, with all those meat skewers there? No. Yell for help.

Help, help, help!

Can't you shout any louder than that?

Help! Help! Help!

They won't hear us if we yell all night. They heard the loudspeaker alright.

I've got it. We're going to get it, too.

This mike is connected to loudspeakers all over the castle.

We can speak through it. Speak loud. It's bound to help.

Hello, hello. This is the Home Service, uh, this is Hillary Tisdaile speaking.

Here is an SOS.

That's no good. We haven't got all night. Hello, hello!

Whoever listening in, listen!

[ Tannoy: ] "Shut up. We're shut in somewhere ."

"Help us! S.O.S .. S.O.S."

It's Tis-bags and old Baa-Lamb.

They're shut in somewhere.

[ Tannoy: ] "Tell them where we are and hurry up."

Thorne is there, too. Where is it coming from?

It sounds as if it's out in the passage.

Come on.

Hey, it's very urgent. Not a moment to lose!

Say where the t*rture chamber is. Tell them how to get to us.

Got into the main hall, first on the right, second on the left.

That's it, second on the left!

[ Tannoy: ]

"Find a secret entrance in the corridor It's the one by the spiral staircase."

"If you bang on the wall, it opens."

That's right.

There .. now it's busted!

Something's happened. It's stopped.

The corridor by the spiral staircase. Thump the wall.

Come on you chaps. Downstairs.

You know, I think we ought to toss up who wears this armour.

Hey, hey. Come on. Out you go. Oh, don't let her go. It's good luck.

Enough of us in here without her. Give her a message to help find us.

But she may forget what we tell her. We can write it down.

Don't be silly. She can't read.

No. Write it down and tie it on her. Hold her.

Give me some paper. I haven't any.

Well, give me your collar. Alright. What for?

Never mind what for. Alright, here.

Hurry up. She's restless.

Well, sing something to her. Keep her interested.

Hello p*ssy, how are you? Are you alright?

Give me your tie.

Come on, hurry up with it.

Come on. That's enough. Don't waste time tying twiddly little knots.

Put her out. On her way.

Come on, p*ssy. Off you go.

Go on, p*ssy. Go on.

I hope somebody sees her.

Why, they're bound to sooner or later. But it may be much too later.

Hey, let's get under that table. It's made of iron.

Even the stones can't squash that. Come on, then.

I hope you're right about iron and stone.

Of course I'm right. Don't you break stone with an iron hammer?

Look at it!

Shut up. Shut up!

Hey, what's that?

It looks like one of Baa-Lamb's collars .. it's got a message on it.

"SOS. Look for crossed sabres in top corridor."

"Thump wall just below. Come quickly. P. Thorne."

Top corridor. We've been thumping the wrong one.

Come on chaps. Upstairs.

We shall all be like sardines in a minute.

Well, what are you grumbling about? You're already in a tin.

Here it is! Just below, the message said.

Let me out. Let me out.

How on earth did you get in there?

Never mind that. Where's Mrs Wigmore?

Up on the battlements, I expect. Come on.

There she is!

Stand back!

Put that down. She's probably bluffing.

We'll teach her to make pancakes out of us.

Yes .. let's rush her.

It's your turn now. Come on, you do it.

Never mind. Ignore that.

Come along, Mrs Wigmore.

Ah well. That's that.

That's the end of the phantom pipes. Yes, we shan't hear those any more.

Yes.

[ Siren ]

Ha. It's the "All-Clear". Yes.

0h well, you can go home now if you like.

Come on, boys.