07x05 - One Flew Into The Empty Nest

[bunniefuu]

- Morning.

What are you...?

- Shh, shh, shh.

It's so quiet you can hear the bacon sizzling.

Listen.

What?

What?

No, no.

I would never crumble you up and put you into a salad.

Oh, bacon talks to me, baby.

You know what?

I feel I've walked in on something...

I can leave.

No, no, no.

Stick around.

Enjoy the peace and quiet.

This house has never been this empty.

Face it, I think we've made too many people.

Kyle and Mandy are hardly ever around.

Sometimes I just think it's too quiet.

Nah, it's not too quiet.

Tonight, I'm making fajitas.

They tend to get pretty chatty.

No, we have the NSE fundraiser tonight, remember?

The annual meet and greet with the, uh, foreign exchange students.

Are they still doing that?

With all that talk of a travel ban and a big wall, you'd think they'd just stay out.

Oh, come on.

Come on.

You know how important the NSE is to me.

That semester I spent in Rio De Janeiro, it changed my life.

- I know.

The people, the culture.

- Mmm.

That big statue of Jesus you thought was watching you the whole time.

Hey, those eyes followed me everywhere I went.

And if it wasn't Jesus, I'd say it was creepy.

And my host family was so nice.

They kind of had to be, didn't they?

- Mm.

- Yeah.

A natural blonde family in Brazil.

Escaped Nazis.

Oh, stop it.

You know what?

Fine.

Fine.

I will go by myself, but I am taking the checkbook.

It knows how to talk, too.

In fact, I'm gonna make it sing.

Just remember, when you're signing those checks, Jesus is watching.

And he doesn't like show-offs.

Hi, there.

I'm, uh, I'm Vanessa.

A little old for high school, aren't you?

- I'm Jen.

- Oh, uh...

Well, it's-it's nice to meet you.

And, uh, where are-are you from?

Hong Kong.

I was accepted into the program for next semester, so my father and I are here meeting families.

Well, I did my semester in Rio, which, uh, I chose mostly because of the Duran Duran song.

I only wanted to study in Colorado.

I have a poster of Pikes Peak in my bedroom.

Oh, not Justin Bieber?

Yuk, please.

Is he made of pink granite?

Oh.

I want to be a geologist.

Wh...?

Uh...

I'm...

I-I'm a geologist.

That is so cool.

I want to get a degree in earth sciences so I could teach someday.

I taught science.

Um, so-so I guess you want to do something for the "crater" good?

It's a joke.

'Cause...

- A good one.

- Good?

I love geology puns.

My "sediments" exactly.

I never take them for "granite." You guys better get going.

- Boyd's practice ends at 8:00.

- Yeah.

Thank you guys for picking him up this week.

I mean, Kris has been pulling doubles and I'm swamped at the dispensary.

Oh, yeah.

How is the...

...marijuana business?

Legal.

You don't have to whisper.

I like to whisper.

It's the only reason I watch golf.

I can't wait for Boyd's update on Danielle.

I remember the first crush a boy had on me.

I like to think he never married.

Uh, Boyd has a crush on somebody?

Oh, Danielle?

In his math class?

Smells like cherries?

You guys didn't know about this?

I'm sure Boyd's been meaning to tell you.

Oh, yeah, I mean, he tells us, like, so much stuff, so...

Oh, did he tell you about that fight that Paul and Chris got into 'cause they had the same backpacks?

That was so funny.

Chris broke Paul's nose.

No, that's the part we agreed was not funny.

- Well?

- Oh, hey.

How was the fundraiser?

Are we broke?

It was magical, and you'll be happy to know I didn't give them any money.

Good so far.

Because what they really need are places for the exchange students to stay.

And you just jumped off a cliff.

Honey, I met this really sweet girl from Hong Kong named Jen.

She is absolutely amazing.

We had so much in common.

What, uh, she's married to a wonderful man who likes his life just the way it is?

Honey...

what-what if we were to offer Jen a place to stay next semester?

Let's think about that.

Nope.

A student from another country needs a home and your response is "nope"?

Yep.

Honey, c...

it's just for a semester.

We are this close to having the house by ourselves.

You want to ruin that?

You've been really busy at work and-and-and it might be nice to have somebody else around here.

You know, I mean, not everybody can talk to bacon.

All right, look at it this way.

We got four bathrooms.

That's two a piece.

You could have the crapper down here - just for your decorative soaps.

- Oh, come on.

All I'm asking is to have dinner with Jen and her dad so we can meet them.

I'm just not that interested in this.

All right, well, uh, I hear what you're saying...

- and I understand your concerns.

- Good, good.

Excellent.

But no.

What...

What do you mean "no"?

I want this, so I am overruling you.

You can do that?

I can, I can.

I am going to invite Jen and her dad here for dinner tomorrow night.

And you will be sweet and nonconfrontational.

And-and you won't bring up things like "snowflake" or "Benghazi" or "Deflategate." They're all connected.

Mikey, join, come on, have a drink.

Come on.

Yeah, come on.

You know, Ed, when you said you were gonna retire, I-I thought you were gonna do this at home.

What can I tell you?

I missed my friends.

Come on.

You've been gone two days.

Hey, join some real men for drinks, okay?

Ed's making fuzzy navels.

Yeah, nothing says "real men drinking" like peach schnapps and an orange wedge.

Listen, I'm heading home.

I'm gonna do a meet and greet with Vanessa and a foreign exchange student.

Oh, oh, this is priceless.

Mike Baxter is hosting a foreign exchange student.

No, no, no, no, no.

Vanessa invited them to come meet us.

And I'm married to Vanessa.

Translation, translation, when Vanessa says "jump," Mike says "how high?" You know, Joe, I'm gonna let that go by, because I know you're three peaches to the wind.

When any of my wives wanted to do something that I was against, I said "No, no, no, no, no." - Did you really?

- Yep.

That's why you're in the Divorce Attorney's Hall of Fame.

I make sacrifices for my wife, okay?

And if that means sitting quietly at dinner with this girl and her father, then that's what I'm going to do.

You mean you have to make a good impression on them?

- Yes, yes.

- Okay, your worries are over.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh-oh, it means you have never had the pleasure of meeting you.

At tonight's dinner I'm gonna be pleasant and nonconfrontational.

It wouldn't matter, it's in the eyes...

the opinion, the anger, the howling emptiness.

You know, Joe, don't take this personally, but I-I don't like you.

See, there's the Mike Baxter we know, and the only Mike Baxter you can be.

Look, I'm gonna enjoy a nice, quiet evening at my home with my wife and her guests.

You guys enjoy your sorority mixer, huh?

Joke's on him.

I'm gonna go puke in his office.

Why didn't you tell us about your little friend Danielle?

There's nothing to tell.

I think when someone smells like cherries it's newsworthy.

You know, honey, I'd love to hear about what you're up to.

And not just from Kyle and Mandy.

When I tell them stuff, they don't make a big deal about it.

I won't make a big deal.

I promise.

Okay.

Uh, she's coming over tomorrow to do homework.

That is so cute!

I mean, not cute.

I mean super normal.

Please, Mom, don't embarrass me.

And no pictures.

Deal.

Can I take one now, though?

'Cause this is kind of a really special moment for me.

Fine.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Those mixed nuts are for our guests.

I had one cashew.

A cashew?

Honey, I'm trying to make a good impression here.

J...

Eat the hazelnuts.

Nobody eats the hazelnuts, why do they even put 'em in there?

Oh, that's them.

Uh, listen, honey, be nice.

I don't need to be reminded to be...

All right.

Hey, welcome.

- Hi.

Come on in.

- Hello.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mr.

Zhen, uh, I'm Mike Baxter.

Ni hao, Huanyíng.

Please, call me Henry.

- Cantonese and Mandarin.

- Yeah.

- That's very good.

- Thank you.

Well, Mike knows how to say "hello," "good-bye" and "where's the bathroom" in several languages.

Your wife says you also talk to bacon.

That's 'cause bacon can keep a secret.

- Come on in, guys.

- Thanks.

-Thank you.

So, um, Henry, this is your first time to Colorado?

Uh, yes, uh, but I'm a civil engineer, so I often visit other cities...

- Uh-huh.

- To, uh...

Uh, to study infrastructure, you know, bridges, roads.

Well, you'll learn a lot here in Denver.

We invented road rage and the pothole.

Forgive me for saying so, but I can't understand how such a wealthy country has such poorly maintained roads.

I'll tell you why, because we have - a government just full of...

- Nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh.

Our government is full of dedicated men and women doing their best, God bless 'em.

Well said.

You get a cashew.

No, thanks.

I prefer hazelnuts.

Uh, I'm gonna go check on dinner.

- Jen, you want to give me a hand?

- Yes.

Daddy?

She told me not to embarrass her.

I don't know those words, but I've heard that music.

So...

so, uh, I don't know if you know, but I own a large outdoor equipment and sporting goods store here in town.

- Yes, Outdoor Man.

I've heard this.

- Yes.

Excellent.

If you have some time, stop by and I'll show you the facility.

Oh, I'd be honored.

Has your president's trade w*r affected your business?

I read that because of his aluminum tariffs, boat prices have gone up.

Hmm.

Well, the important thing about boats is that th-they're able to float.

Speaking of your president...

...it's hard for people outside of the United States to understand how he b*at Mrs.

Clinton in your last election.

She had more experience, right?

Uh, people say that.

And more votes, too?

Wh...

Ow.

I literally have just bitten my tongue.

H-How's it going in there, honey?

- Three minutes!

- Okay.

You know, why don't we see how the women are doing?

Gladly.

Oh, but before we eat...

Right.

Right in there, and there's matches right by the toilet.

In terms of treating sensitivity, I think Jen would fit right in at Woodbridge High.

All three of our girls went there.

There's a geology club, Dad.

Mrs.

Baxter said I would love it.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

I said you would "lava" it.

I'm, uh, kind of famous for my wordplay.

Oh, I'm so sorry, but our ride is here.

- We have to go, Jen.

- But I want to help clean up.

Oh, no, no, we've got it.

That's very sweet of you, though.

Thanks.

- That was so much fun, Vanessa.

- Oh.

Nice to meet you, Mr.

Baxter.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

Again, thank you for making my daughter feel so welcome.

She's a wonderful little girl.

And, uh, if you have any questions while you're making your decision, please feel free to call.

- I've already made my decision.

- Ah.

Jen will not be staying here.

I'm sorry.

Good night.

He must have already made up his mind.

You know, that has to be it, because I think we were great.

Honey, we've been over this, all right?

You didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't do anything wrong.

We...

I in particular...

didn't do anything wrong.

I know I'm a broken record, but I just...

I can't let it go.

I really liked that girl.

Well, truth be told, - I liked her, too.

- Yeah.

If it means that much to you, maybe we should try to get another exchange student.

No, I don't want a different student.

Oh, thank God.

I just feel like I had a real connection with her.

And not just because of the puns and the geology.

I know it's crazy, but...

I just feel like this girl needs me.

Like-like I could make a real difference in her life.

You just can't stop being a mother, can you?

No.

I don't want to.

But thanks to her dad, I guess I don't have a choice.

Hey, can you believe this?

Our little boy is having a girl over.

The next thing you know, we are gonna be doing the father-son dance at his wedding.

Ryan, stop, okay?

We are not allowed to be excited about this.

He's growing up, and we need to start treating him like it.

I know.

- I know.

- Hmm.

But it is so cool, right?

It's the coolest thing that's ever happened!

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Yay, you're both here.

Don't worry, Boyd.

Your dad and I are gonna give you your space while you do your homework with Danielle.

Yeah.

We're gonna be chill.

Super chill.

Okay, she's almost here.

Remember, no one is going to embarrass me.

Of course not.

And I would ask you this even if you were an adult: Are you sure you don't want any juice or apple slices?

Mom!

- Okay, okay.

I'm sorry.

We'll butt out.

- Come on.

- Hang on.

- What's wrong?

It's just my hands are kind of sweaty.

It's hard to swallow.

Boyd, take a deep breath, okay?

Relax.

- Remember, this is no big deal.

- Yeah, honey.

You're not a little boy anymore.

You're growing up.

We know you can handle this.

You think so?

I know so.

Okay.

I got this.

Come on.

She changed clothes.

Why would she do that?

Stall her.

I have to gel my hair.

Oh, look at that.

He's still our little boy.

Yeah, I was recording that whole thing.

Yes.

I must say, Mike, I was surprised you were still willing to give me a tour of Outdoor Man.

Well, a promise is a promise.

Why won't you let Jen stay with us?

- This is why I'm here.

- Is it...

is it my wife, Vanessa?

Or the...

or the bad puns?

Hazelnuts.

- No, Vanessa is delightful.

- Yeah?

Frankly, I said no because of you.

I w-was nothing but polite.

Exactly.

You strike me as weak and afraid of confrontation.

And you also seem to have no opinions on how your country is run.

Oh, no!

Whoa!

Hey, hey, Chuck?

Are you out there?

Could you step in here a minute?

Ah.

This is Chuck Larabee, the head of our security.

- Mr.

Zhen.

- Oh, oh.

Your daughter's the foreign exchange student.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

Hey.

Describe Mike Baxter to him.

- Mike Baxter is a lovely man.

- No.

No, no, the real...

the real Mike Baxter.

Oh, okay.

He's warm and gentle.

Come on.

Ed, Ed, hold on a second.

Ed Alzate.

He's the owner, - actually, of the store here.

- Okay.

- Mr.

Zhen, this is Ed Alzate.

- Yes.

Yes.

Oh, how do you do, sir?

Yes.

Pleasure, yeah.

- He says I'm easygoing.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay?

- Well, it's true.

I haven't heard him raise his voice in 30 years.

Hey, hey, hey.

I need the real truth here.

Vanessa's gonna lose the exchange student 'cause this guy thinks I'm a pushover.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay.

He's a real bastard.

Loud, pushy, mean.

Beats you to death with his opinions.

Constantly.

All the time.

With everyone.

Yeah.

And he's cheap, too.

- Yeah.

- That's right.

- He charges for coffee...

- Yeah.

Okay, all right.

We get the idea.

Thanks guys, thanks.

It's good.

Look, the other night, I was just being polite.

I have opinions about everything.

Our roads suck because our government sucks!

Mike Baxter.

Okay, clearly you are not weak.

Thank you.

So can Jen stay with us?

No.

You're too rigid.

Too rigid, too weak.

What are you trying to do here?

I don't have to give you a reason why I-I want my daughter home.

You...

You don't have a problem with me.

You don't want her to be away from you.

Yes.

I'm the weak one.

No, you're not.

You're just being a dad.

Kid wants to leave home, it's a drag.

Believe me, I know.

You know, Jen lost her mother when she was ten.

It's just been the two of us, and...

I'm afraid for her to be so far away from me.

I-I know I want what's best for her, but I...

I have doubts.

I've spent, actually, a lot of time in China, and there was a proverb I once heard that meant a lot to me.

It said, "Deep doubts, deep wisdom." And you wouldn't be a good dad if you didn't have deep doubts.

I just think it's our job to let our kids follow their own dreams.

I know this in my head, but...

If you want her to experience a good mother, there's no better mother than my wife Vanessa.

You, sir, are a terrible, horrible, angry dictator!

I think it would be good for Jen to stay with you.

See that?

I did it!

I did it!

So, so one tectonic plate says to the other one, - "I'm sorry, that was..." - "My fault." Hey, guys.

So...

one last meal before you head home?

I am so glad you'll be staying with us.

Yes, my father and I will be flying home tomorrow, but I can't wait for next semester.

Good, good, good.

You know, just to let you know that that really wasn't me last night, I...

I have a lot more attitude.

Well, just to let you know, that wasn't the real me last night, either.

You know, there's an American expression I love: "A man's home is his castle." I prefer an ancient Chinese expression: "Man does not control his own fate; the women in his life do it for him." Good-bye, peaceful kitchen.

Hello, hellscape of bad puns and estrogen.

So I guess you put the "Jen" into estroJen.

And so it begins.