07x01 - Welcome Baxter

[bunniefuu]

Vanessa:
Eve just called.

She and Kristin
will be here any minute.

Crap.

Wh-What'd you think
the banner was for, Kyle?

Uh, no, no.

I'm-I'm trying to DVR my
favorite show, but it's not on.

Oh, well, maybe it got canceled.

You know, the TV business
can be a heartless bastard.

Canceled? Why would they cancel

a popular show that everybody loves?

(Mouthing)

Maybe they're a bunch of idiots.

- Just try another channel.
- Oh, Mike. (Scoffs)

They don't just take a show
off one network

and put it on a different network.

(Laughs)

Hey, there it is.

- You were right, Mr. B.
- Oh.

♪ ♪

Am I wrong or is it, like,
way better on this network?

(Chuckles)

Way better. Way better.
I'll be damned.

I've never heard
of this happening before.

Mike:
Well, it's pretty rare.

Show must have a lot
of loyal, kick-ass fans, huh?

Mandy, honey, where are you?
They're here.

- (Horn honks)
- Hey.

Uh, just a heads-up.

- Mandy's kind of mad at me right now.
- Yeah?

Well, she changed something
about herself,

and I can't figure out what.

Marriage is kind of
like karate, right?

You're new at it.
You're, like, a white belt.

Me, I'm a black belt.

So welcome to my dojo, huh?

Mom, Mom. This is really weird,
but I got lost upstairs.

Mandy.

I like it.

She looks exactly the same.

- Oh, my baby's home.
- Hi.

(Laughs):
Oh!

Oh, my dignified academy cadet.

Oh, I missed my mommy.

Hey, sis.

Whoa, Mandy!

I love it.

You guys are so sweet.

Oh, Dad.

Dad, Dad, Dad.
You haven't changed a bit.

Well, that's the good thing about me.

No matter how long you haven't seen
me, I'm still the same old guy.

- Uh-oh, m*llitary's here.
- Oh.

But don't worry, Chuck,
she's on our side.

(Laughs) Eve!

Or should I say... cadet.

- At ease, jarhead.
- (Laughs)

- There she is. There she is.
- Ed.

The best thing that'll happen
to the Air Force.

Well, next to those things that
keep the geese out of the engines.

Good to see you back, kiddo.

Now you'll be able
to relax a bit, huh?

Oh, she's a cadet
at the Air Force Academy.

She's not gonna relax, right, Eve?

Well, last night I slept
in my footie pajamas, so...

Hey, Chuck, I need some help
with my computer. It's frozen.

Uh, you could try
command-alt-delete.

Or command-Chuck-do-it.

Hey, Baxters.

- Hey, Baxter.
- I wanted to get Boyd

and finish his birdhouse.
Where is he?

Uh, he's at home with his father.

- Mr. Sunshine.
- Ooh.

I haven't seen Ryan in a while.

How's he adapting
to the new and improved America?

Watches TV all day,
and he screams into a pillow.

You know, I get it.
People see me in uniform

and assume I want to hear
their hot take

on what America really needs.

Spoiler alert: I do not.

Hey, I told you I'd spring
for that fancy dinner later

at Outdoor Man Grill.
Be hungry.

I was born hungry.

Well, I've eaten since then,
but I'll be hungry again.

- Want to join us?
- Mike: Uh, no.

I'm gonna grab Boyd
and bring him back here.

And since Ryan'll be there, I'll stop
by and pick up a nice bottle of gloat.

Yo.

- Hey.
- Hey, Boyd.

You ready to go?

Uh, Dad's still making me dinner.

Did the part come in
for the dirt bike?

(Chuckles): Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think you mean "birdhouse."

And yes, the part for the
cc birdhouse came in.

- Hey, Ryan.
- Hey. (Sighs)

Uh, Boyd, dinner's
in the kitchen. Fried chicken.

You fried a chicken?

Yeah.

I get to eat an animal, and
it's not even Christmas.

Wow.

I don't get it.

Why eat healthy?
Whole country's going to hell.

Oh, God, you are in deep.

What happened to that whole thing
about, "chickens are people, too"?

Don't start with me right now,
okay? I'm not in the mood.

You don't have to be
in the mood. Just listen.

Or we can watch TV.

I mean, how can you not watch TV
when the whole world is going nuts?

See? Look,
another breaking news alert.

It's almost like they're deliberately
forcing us to stay glued to our TVs.

I mean, how is it that one
person can create such a mess?

Well, a lot of people didn't
like the last eight years.

Okay, but at least
your bad guy was a good guy.

And more importantly,
he was attractive.

It's always the pretty people
that cause the trouble.

Are you enjoying making fun of me?

Yes, I am, as a matter of fact.

Come on, listen. Politicians,
politics always change.

Sometimes it's my guys.

- Sometimes it's your morons.
- Okay.

But it is way worse now,
and this is the world

that my son
is gonna have to grow up in.

Not if you keep giving him
fried chicken.

- Please don't block the TV, Mike.
- Just...

Come on, come on, come on.

I have daughter and a grandson
that need you

to think less about this
and more about them.

- I think about them all the time.
- No, you don't.

All you do is sit in...

Yes, I do, which is what

drives me crazy, because there's
nothing I can do about it.

'Cause you can't change the world.

But there are certain
small things you can do

to control your own life,
like this. Give me this.

Watch this. Look, watch. Oh!

This is weird.
I can still hear it in my head.

Give yourself a break.
Go somewhere.

There's a march on Saturday.

How about something relaxing?

Protest yoga.

I wasn't aware they had
such a thing, but that's...

Th-That sounds great.

- Hey, honey.
- Hey, baby.

I made your favorite breakfast.

Ooh, spinach frittata
and roasted tomatoes?

No, I think actually
I made my favorite breakfast.

- A pan of ham, man.
- (Vanessa laughs)

Well, hide that.

Ryan just pulled up, and I don't
want him to get scared away.

You know, we hardly see him anymore.

- You know, I actually think I fixed that.
- Yeah?

I went over there and gave him a
Mike Baxter inspirational speech.

I think we're all good.

I'm kind of like Gandhi
but better 'cause I bring ham.

- Knock, knock.
- Hey.

Hey. I come bearing
homemade gifts.

Those are the best kind.

Which is why you can never find a
parking place at House of Felt.

As a thank-you, Mike,
for talking me out of my funk,

I brought some fresh jars
of my homemade elderberry jam.

Hey.

Not necessary. Or wanted.

Oh, Mike. But he's berry glad

for help from his elder.

Making it worse, honey.

Oh.

How are you doing?

Uh, I'm good.

Actually, you made me realize
that it's time to get serious

and to stop being a victim and
take some control of my life.

Just needed a little push.

So I'm moving the family to Canada.

You're moving to Canada?

Look, I know it's kind of sudden,
but please try not to overreact.

You're ripping my grandbaby
from my arms.

So there's a "no."

I'm a "no."
What does Kris think?

She's mulling it over.

Kind of loudly.

So there's three "no's."
And I'm sure

Canada's not all that happy about it.

Look, I know that it's big news,

but I'm not actually
asking for your permission.

Mike: Wha...?

But... what are we
gonna do, Mike?

Not gonna do anything about it.

(Scoffs) A lot of people
say they're moving to Canada.

They never move.

He's Canadian!

Mandy:
Ryan can't take Boyd to Canada.

They'll be separated at the border.

Mandy, Dad and I need to talk, so...

Well, you should do it now.

You're together.

Get out.

Okay.

What's going on in there?

It is a private discussion.

And?

Ryan wants to move the family
to Canada.

- Oh, Canada the country?
- (Eve sighs)

Wow, typical Ryan.
Loses the election

and whines his way all the way back

to his poutine-loving
safe space.

Actually, lots of people aren't happy

with this administration's
social policies.

Whoa. Since when
did you get all woke?

Until last year you thought
the Presidential Seal

was an actual seal.

Hey, I didn't ask
to be socially aware.

The news has seeped into
all my social media platforms...

Twitter, Instagram,
Peepers, Flom-Flom...

All right, look, I swore an oath
to defend this nation,

and if Ryan is so unhappy here,
I say good riddance.

- Eve has a point.
- Just because someone's unhappy

with how things are doesn't mean
they're not patriotic.

Our forefathers...
or maybe there were five...

anyway, they all wanted us
to express our opinions.

- That's true.
- And I'll express my opinion.

The election's over, my friend.

Which election, the popular vote
or the electric college?

- Wow.
- You know, they say

there's two sides to every argument.

Mandy: Yeah.

But you're my husband, so you're
on my side, right, babe?

- Actually, I...
- Oh! Ha!

- He agrees with me.
- No, he agrees with me.

- No, with me.
- Can't I just be in the middle?

- There is no middle anymore!
- There's no middle anymore, Kyle!

Guys, guys, you got to stop
arguing about this stuff.

Y-You're so loud
we can't even argue.

She's being a right-wing idiot.

Well, she's being
a left-wing idiot.

That's actually redundant.
(Laughs)

Electric college?

- Are you actually dumb?
- I'm sorry, do you know...

- Did you hear what I said?
- (Overlapping arguing)

- Girls. Girls!
- (Whistle blows)

That's it.
For the rest of Eve's visit,

there will be no more
political discussion.

Perfect. Until you leave, Eve,
nobody talks politics but me.

(Whistle blows)

Not you, either.

- What happened to free speech?
- Uh-uh.

When did we turn into UC Berkeley?

Chuck:
What a great kid.

Yeah. Hey, hi, Mikey.

We're just talking about Eve.

You and Vanessa should be proud

- of all your kids.
- That's right.

They're all a pain in the ass.

It's gonna be a long day.

They're all at each other's throats

because of all this political stuff.

Gee, they sound like...

every other person in America.

I blame highly caffeinated
sports drinks.

Now, you know, my wife says no more

political talk around
the house, you know?

So all we talk about is...

I don't know. What do
boring families talk about?

I don't know.
I live alone.

Alexa and I play Jeopardy!

Sadly,

you're not the only family
going through this, amigo.

Since the election,
when my brother calls,

I don't even answer the phone.

I know he's trolling for an argument.

Wait a minute,

you haven't been taking
my calls lately.

Okay.

This is not what America's
supposed to be.

- Mm.
- I miss the good old days,

when we were all on the same page.

Yeah, like...
during the Vietnam w*r.

That's a good point. All
right, and it was a little

tense during the McCarthy
hearings in the ' s, too.

Gee, sounds like you fellas
had it rough.

Fortunately, for me,
civil rights movement?

Cake walk.

Maybe there's something
in the Americans' DNA

- that causes conflict.
- I don't think

there's anything wrong with conflict.

I just don't think we should be
turning on each other.

I mean, we're better
than that, right?

So, I'm liking
the Broncos' defense this year.

Look at this.

Wonderful to see
my two beautiful daughters

spending time with each other.

Oh.

I didn't know she was here.

I'll leave.

Great. I can change
the welcome banner

to "Good-bye."

And I look forward
to seeing how you spell it.

You know, they say
kids just grow up way too fast.

Well, I am still waiting for that.

Oh, hey, Mr. B.
Welcome home.

(Whispers):
Leave.

I think I'm gonna clean
the living room floor now,

so, uh, go to separate rooms.

No, no, no, no.
Everybody stay right here.

Kyle, come back in here.
Come on, come on.

Sit down. Everybody.
You know why?

'Cause we're a family
and we're gonna have

a nonpolitical conversation.
Okay?

Who wants to start?
Who wants to go? Come on.

I'll go.

Great day for me.

Saw a dead beaver.

Right off the exit, you know, .

(Sighs)

Okay.

You go.

Thank you. Okay.

Uh, yeah, well, let's see, um, hmm...

the last time
you tried to fix something,

uh, half the family said
they were moving to Canada.

Thanks for the help.

Eve, say something nice
to your sister, please.

(Sighs) Fine.

Mandy, I like that you're an idiot,

because you're easy
to win arguments with.

Oh, yeah?

I'm smart enough to not end
a sentence with "with."

(Quietly):
Damn it.

Come on, come on, girls.

Are you no longer even capable
of being polite to each other?

- Nope.
- Ditto.

No ditto. No ditto.
You're the ditto.

Have you guys seen Boyd?

- Mom, is Boyd here?
- What?

No, why?

He was supposed to be home
two hours ago.

Oh, boy.
Just relax a second.

(Stammers) Who talked to him last?

We called all of his friends.
Nobody's seen him.

We don't know what to do.

- Mike: Um, let's...
- Mandy, let's check the park.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Good idea. I'll get my keys.

Uh, uh, Kyle and I,

we'll-we'll check the arcade.

- Yeah, he likes the one on Leetsdale.
- Okay.

I should be home, in case he shows?

Yeah, and, uh, I'll check
the comic book store.

All right, I'm gonna stay here
in case he comes here.

And call me if you find him!

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Hey. Larabee, it's me.

Yeah. Do me a favor and,
uh, check the security cams.

Um, go to the loading dock.

Chuck:
Ah. Huh. Looks like Boyd

- is working on your birdhouse.
- Okay, perfect.

Do me a little favor. Keep
an eye on him till I get there.

I got to call my family.

Hey.

- Hey, Grandpa.
- Don't "Hey, Grandpa" me.

Before I figured out where you were,

everybody was going crazy
looking for you.

Guess I should've told 'em
where I was going.

You might've thought about that
before you ran away.

And, by the way,
next time you run away, don't.

- Sorry.
- I haven't seen your dad

this upset since Rachel Maddow
took a week off.

I-I just wanted
a quiet place to think.

I get it.

We don't have to talk.

I don't want to move to Canada.

My flag football team

is actually letting me play
this year.

Have you told your folks this?

You can tell your parents
anything, kid.

Except about this.

If they ask you,
you were hiding in my office.

I just hate fighting.

E-Everybody's fighting
about everything.

Even at school.

It's like everything's broken.

We saw this at a garage sale.

Remember what everybody said?

"Why do you want that?
It's broken."

But you said it had a lot
of parts that still work.

That's what I told you.

I told the owner,
"It's a piece of junk.

I'll give you ten bucks for it."

Look, we saw something worth saving.

And we were both willing to do
the work together to fix it.

If you have that, you can put
anything back together again.

- There. Finished.
- Yeah.

You're gonna have the fastest
birdhouse in the parking lot.

Wipe up your hands.

We're gonna go fix something else.

Not cool, Boyd.
Okay, you hear me?

That was really, really not cool.

So, so not cool.
Really, really, really not cool.

Okay. You guys can yell at him...
or whatever this is... later.

I got to talk to everybody.

I have a... I really...

Okay, he's not in the crawlspace.

- No, he's not.
- Wait,

he's in the living room.

Congratulations, Kyle, you found him.

Okay, great. I-I want
to just talk to the adults.

Boyd, could you give us
a minute, please?

Thank God the kid's back
and you can discipline him

however you want...
that's your business...

but I think we should be
thanking him a little bit.

(Chuckles) Really?
Can't wait to hear this one.

'Cause he got in trouble... thank
God there's nothing wrong...

we started acting like a family
for a minute. This...

- It was good stuff...
- Yeah, so true, Mr. B.

You have a spider in your hair.

Come on, guys.
We're gonna have differences.

- (Stammers) Um...
- Right. Right.

- And we're gonna disagree, yes, yes.
- Right, right.

- But we can't let that break us apart.
- Exactly.

We have to always remember
that we love each other.

And-and because of that,
we treat each other with dignity

and respect, because that's who we are.

(Exhales) I'm sorry about earlier.

Ditto.

Mike:
Mm. Great. Good.

I'm sorry we started this whole thing

with talk of us moving to Canada.

I just don't feel
like I have a choice.

Look, I know
that you're not happy about it,

but I need to take some action
or I'm gonna lose my mind.

What about everything
my mom and dad just said?

Yeah, it was
a really nice little speech.

But, I mean, come on, do
you honestly respect my opinion?

Not even a little.

But I do respect
your right to have one.

So, here.

- What's this?
- Read it.

You said you want
to do something, do something.

"Application
for U.S. Citizenship"?

We have to fill out a form?

I never did that!

Mandy!

Shh, shh.

Are you sure you want me
to become a U.S. citizen?

- I don't know.
- You realize that this is

- my vote canceling out yours.
- Oh, no.

It's gonna be fine. There's
a lot more me's out there.

You used to talk about doing this.

Yeah, but it's a long process
and there's no guarantee.

Uh, I guarantee that I will k*ll you

if you take away my grandbaby.

There you go.

All right, fine.

- I will think about it.
- Mike: Great.

- Thank you, honey.
- Hey, Boyd. Come on in.

Hey, we're done, we're done.
We're good.

Come here.

- Great job, sweetie.
- Thanks.

- Listen, this worked out pretty well.
- Mm.

I got an idea. I think
we should have a lot more

- family tragedies, because...
- No! No...

I've got it.

You're taller and blonde!

Yes!
(Chuckles)

I'll be damned.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

here to talk about, well, talking.

(Chuckles)
It's one of my favorite hobbies.

A wise man once said,

"If you don't have
anything nice to say,

don't say anything at all."

And then it was said an even
wiser man said to that guy,

"Look, jackass, listen up.
You might learn something."

All right, you got me.

I'm the second wise man
in that story.

Let's be honest, if nobody's talking,

then nobody's listening.

If nobody's listening,
nobody's learning.

And if nobody's learning,

then good TV shows get canceled.

They will.

But even in our country
and even within our families,

not communicating seems to be
the w*apon of choice right now.

We un-friend, un-like,
and un-follow

instead of trying
to understand each other.

Now, it doesn't matter
which side you're on...

(Chuckling): although one side
literally has the word "right"

right in it.

(Muttering, chuckling)

(Sighs)

If we just hunker down
in our separate corners,

nobody wins.

(Whispers): Except
Location Services on your phone.

In America, we've always been able

to have tough conversations.

Civil rights, Vietnam,

the human hot potato Kanye West.

He's yours. Uh, no, yours.
You can have him.

No, he's not ours. He's, like,
yours. You can have him.

No, we don't...
Literally, we don't want him.

So to the families of America
and to the American family,

keep talking.

Unless you know a smarter guy

with better ideas is talking,

then you could just listen to him.

Baxter out.