07x06 - The Courtship of Vanessa's Mother

[bunniefuu]

All right, I got to go.

- See ya.
- Oh, what?

Mm. Wait, where do
you think you're going?

I go work. Make money. You
buy flowers. - No, no, wait!

No. You-you can't leave.

My mother's gonna be here any second.

Why didn't you say so? I'll
get my announcement trumpet

and blow it right here in the foyer.

I need you to be my buffer.
You know how my mother is.

Look, I know you want me to say
something bad about your mom,

but, honey, I literally
like six people in the world,

and your mom's one of 'em.

Yeah, well, that is because you
have never been her daughter.

(Chuckles) I like that you're implying

that there's still time.

I really thought she was
coming this afternoon.

I've got to get to work.

I'm working on
this pain-in-the-ass

environmental impact statement
for our California store.

No, no, I need you. I need you.

My mother is impacting my environment.

(Stammers) But you bought her flowers.

Next to a grandkid, that's the
best thing you could get her.

Oh, no, trust me. She will
take one look at those flowers

and then do that little head
tilt and say something critical.

So what I'm hearing is you
could've spent less money

- on flowers.
- (Sighs)

- (Doorbell rings)
- Uh...

- Wa-Wait, wa-wait, wa-wait.
- (Stammers, groans)

- Hey. (Chuckles)
- (Gasps) Oh!

- My little girl!
- Oh. (Chuckles)

- (Chuckles)
- Hi, Mom.

Mike, I don't know

what you're eating, but, whatever it is,

it's making you younger.

Corn Nuts and bacon.

- (Laughs): Okay. That'll do it.
- Oh, you look good.

- Hi, Bonnie.
- Thank you.

(Gasps) Oh, what beautiful flowers.

Oh, darling, do you remember
that flower arrangement course

I signed us up for when
you were in high school?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
In the church basement.

Yeah, yeah. (Chuckles) I
felt so bad for my friends

who had to find something
else to do on Friday nights.

But you learned a wonderful skill.

And...

if you remember,

they always stressed that we
should never put delicate stems

in our foundation.

Huh! Mother made it better.

Yeah.

It's my favorite.

That's why they have
it on the wine list.

Oh! Oh.

Oh...

This is a terrible year. (Chuckles)

- For me.
- Yeah.

Well, this one's not going
so great for me, either. Um...

Oh, oh, there's Kristin!
Kristin, Kristin!

Oh!

- (Chuckles): Oh!
- Grandma!

- Hi! Oh.
- Look at you,

managing this whole restaurant.

I always knew you were a go-getter.

Oh, stop it. (Chuckles)

She, um... she-she
takes after her mother.

Minus the bragging. (Chuckles)

Uh, can you join us? Well,
you-you-you must join us.

Uh... (Chuckles)
No, I...

We're short-staffed today. I'm sorry.

But I promise you ladies
will get the VIP treatment.

- Oh.
- Which, at my restaurant, means

endless jerky.

Oh...

that is a woman in charge.

The boss. Ooh.

- Isn't that something? Mm!
- Mm.

Well, I'm-I'm very
proud of my daughter.

- Yeah.
- 'Cause I-I know

how hard it is to succeed
in a male-dominated world.

I mean, t wasn't easy, even with my PhD.

Dear, it isn't a compliment
when you pay it to yourself.

Ed! Ed! Hi!

Ed, over here! (Chuckles)

- Ed!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Uh, Mom, uh, you-you
remember Ed Alzate.

(Laughs) Of course!

- Hi, Ed.
- Bonnie, you look as lovely as ever.

- Look at you.
- Oh, and you're such a gentleman.

- And as dapper as always.
- Oh.

Look at you two getting along. Join us.

- (Chuckles)
- Thank you.

- Kristin's, uh, bringing jerky.
- Oh.

Two blondes and a bucket
of jerky. (Chuckles)

- I hit the jackpot!
- (Laughs)

Oh, you were always such a character.

I remember you dancing
at Mandy's wedding.

I'd never seen someone
tango to "Whip It."

Uh-huh.

Well, start humming,
and you can see it again.

- Whoa.
- (Vanessa chuckles)

Ed... (Chuckles) uh, my-my
mom and I are planning

on taking a painting class tonight.

You should... you should come along.

- Oh, yes.
- Really? Really?

I've always wanted to try painting.

But I'd need a muse.

Oh. And I always thought
I could be a model.

Mom, it's not a compliment
if you pay it to yourself.

(Man speaking indistinctly on TV)

Did you finish your math?

Almost.

Did you start it?

Almost.

That's not funny, Boyd, okay?

And neither was your last report card.

You get upstairs and
you get your work done,

or we are not going
to the Autumn Festival

this weekend in Aspen.

I don't want to go.

It's leaves changing colors.

Math. Now. Do it.

What?

Nothing. It's just...

the way you talk to Boyd.

Yeah. Remember, Ryan,
you shouldn't talk at him.

You know, you should talk to him.

Oh, yeah. I forget, how
many kids do you guys have?

- None. Duh.
- (Exhales)

I was gonna freak if
you said anything else.

Don't get me wrong, I-I do appreciate

the nonstop input of
how to raise our child,

but Kristin and I got this.

Do you?

I mean, I wonder if it
wouldn't be better for everybody

if you weren't so stern with Boyd.

Yeah, you know, be less of a
father and more of a friend.

Oh, now I get it.

Thank you for talking
to me and not at me.

(Gasps) Here's a thought.

Why don't you and Kristin go to Aspen

and you can leave Boyd
with us. Give us a chance.

Yeah, I mean, you would
have to ask Kristin first...

She said yes. He's all
yours. No take-backs.

- Ah. There you are.
- Listen, I'd like to talk,

but I really got to
get this done, honey.

I'm not gonna interrupt you.

I just want to give you
a little bit of news.

But you can't do that
without interrupting me,

so let's just...

You do not have to worry
about being the buffer

between me and my mother anymore.

Know why?

You k*lled her.

No.

I got Ed to join us
at the painting class.

- Great.
- He is my new buffer.

Ed's always been a real
mother-buffer, I'll tell you.

Oh, there you are, Vanessa.

Oh, boy.

You know, I wonder if
S*ddam Hussein's spider hole

is still available.

You know, say what
you will about him...

it took a long time to find him.

I just talked to Eddie,

and he invited me to dinner tonight.

- What about our painting class?
- Oh, darling,

would you mind if we took a rain check?

Eddie said... (Chuckles):
he wanted to...

he wanted to see me in
something other than a smock.

Okay. Well, you go, go. Have fun.

- Okay. Don't wait up.
- Okay.

Looks like your plan worked.

And yet you still seem upset.

I can't believe it.

That mother-buffer stole my mom.

Oh. Hey. (Chuckles)

I couldn't find you.

(Quietly): That was kind of the idea.

Sorry. Uh, so how's the
impact report coming?

Oh. People's Republic of California
can't slide into the ocean fast enough.

Yeah.

(Chuckles) I know exactly what you mean.

You know, I have had it with Ed.

Let's talk about Ed, 'cause I was tired

of talking about my problems.

You know, every day this week,

that man has monopolized my mother,

and I can't get a lunch in edgewise.

Look, you don't like it
when your mom's around you.

You don't like it when
your mom's not around you.

Between us, are you bananas?

Honey, I want to be with
her, just not alone with her.

Okay, I've told you
this for, like, years,

but they say the th
time is the charm.

Talk to your mother.

Oh, right, right, right.

Then all she'll do is this.

And who could survive this?

Mike, she does it all the time.

Remember when she saw the flowers?

Yeah. When you made fun of the
class you guys took together?

What? No, I didn't make fun of it.

You drew first blood, Rambo.

Oh, why am I talking to you?

You never even told
your father how you felt.

And now he's dead.

So you're saying

all I have to do is wait this out?

Thanks for taking me to the arcade.

You know, you guys are really
good at Dance Dance Revolution.

Well, our secret to getting
the high score is doing this.

Hey, so what's next?

We could watch all the
Fast and Furious movies.

Pound candy every
time Vin Diesel says...

(Deep voice): "We're family."

Well, your dad wanted you to
finish your math workbook first.

Aw, I hate math.

I can't do it, because...

Never mind.

What? You can tell us.

We cool.

Yeah, speak the truth, broseph.

I'm stupid.

Hey, don't say that.

Yeah, math was hard for me, too,

and nobody thinks that I'm stupid.

I-I try, but I-I
just can't do it.

You're a Baxter. You
guys can do anything.

Even Vin Diesel impressions.

Yeah, and-and maybe we can help you.

But how am I supposed to remember that,

uh, "tangent equals
opposite over adjacent"?

Well, what I used to
do is just, you know,

come up with fun ways
to remember things.

So, if tangent equals
opposite over adjacent,

then "T" equals "O" over "A."

So,
T-O-A.

So just remember...

tickle... ostriches...

always.

This is known as a moronic device.

(Chuckles) Wow.

You guys are brilliant.

We get that a lot. (Chuckles)

And Ryan said we didn't
know how to parent.

Hey, is there any way
you guys can help me

with the rest of this?

Yeah, of course.

(Bad Italian accent): "We're family."

No. Hang on. Hold on.

(Bad New York accent): "We're family."

I can't...
Family. Fam...

Eh, I can't do it.

Well... (Chuckles) I am so glad
you were able to squeeze me in

for lunch between your dates with Ed.

Oh, I cannot remember a
better visit to Denver.

(Chuckles)

Huh.

Uh, you know, I-I think this
might be the perfect time

to, uh... to talk to
you about something.

Oh, dear. This sounds important.

Will it take long?

Ed's taking me to an
exhibit at the art museum.

- What?
- Yeah.

They're all nudes.

Even the boys.

Uh, excuse me.

I-I suddenly need to
go to the ladies' room.

Oh, okay.

- Hey Vanessa, good to...
- No time, no time.

Good to see you, too,
Chuck. How's your day going?

Oh, pretty good, actually.

I won bucks on a scratcher.

Oh, Ed. Hi.

Oh, Vanessa.

I was just heading
down to get your mother.

We're gonna look at
some dirty pictures.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, I-I want to talk to you about that.

I-I jest, of course.

We're also gonna look
at some dirty statues.

Ed, I think it's great
that you and my mom

have started this relationship.

I-I mean, she raves about you.

You're-you're all she talks about.

But I don't get to spend
time with her anymore,

because she's all wrapped up in you.

Well, uh, Vanessa, I had no idea
it's created such a situation.

Yeah, well-well, it has,
so, um, if you don't mind,

I-I would like to
spend time with my mom.

And, uh, I would really appreciate it

if-if maybe you didn't
take her to the museum.

Of course. Of course, of course.

Just give me a second, I'll go
right down and tell her myself.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
Uh, oh, and, yeah, when you get

to the table, um, I'll say
something to cover, like, uh,

like, "Hi, Ed. So nice to see
you for the first time today."

- Oh, hey, Vanessa.
- Sorry, in a hurry.

Oh, this shirt?

Yeah, it's new.

I know purple's bold, but
I figured I'd roll the dice.

- Ooh.
- (Panting): Hi.

Darling, you're all out of
breath. Is everything okay?

- Uh, had to use the upstairs bathroom.
- Oh.

There was a woman cleaning
the downstairs bathroom.

Her name's Theresa.

We're... we're gonna play tennis.

Ooh, Ed. Hi.

There's Ed.

Yeah, so nice to see you again.

Oh, uh, for the first time.

Is it time to leave already?

No. Actually, my dear, I
won't be able to accompany you

to the museum today.

Oh, it's no problem, Eddie.

Um, maybe we can do it tomorrow.

I'm afraid not.

See, we seem to be
drifting into deeper waters,

and I don't know if this old schooner

is quite seaworthy anymore.

Do you get what I'm saying?

You're leaving on a boat?

(Stammers) You're just
canceling plans for today, right?

A relationship just isn't in
the cards for me right now.

Please forgive me.

Vanessa.

Oh...

Vanessa, I-I think I'd
like to go home now.

No. I understand. We'll-we'll
just have lunch at the house.

No. No. I mean home-home
to-to Connecticut.

Well, uh... would you excuse me again?

I-I just, uh, need to cancel
my tennis game with Theresa.

Hey, Chuck.

You go ahead. We already talked.

Mike: No, no, Ed.

I don't want to go
see nude men with you.

(Pants)

Ed, you have got some nerve

breaking up with my mother like that.

Well, you said you wanted to
spend some more time with her.

Bananas.

I didn't mean to dump her.

When you said Bonnie thinks
that we're in a relationship,

I thought maybe it's
time that I just step back

- a little bit, you know?
- And why is that?

Guys, could you please
take this someplace else?

I don't want to get involved in this.

Well, actually, you see,
she's too much like you.

Okay. Now I'm involved. What the
hell is that supposed to mean?

She's not the kind of woman
that you can have fun with.

Mike and Vanessa: And what the
hell is that supposed to mean?

Calm down.

Bonnie, like you, is
a woman of substance.

The kind of women I date
are not as... as deep.

You mean younger?

- Exactly.
- Ah.

See, the kind of women I go out
with, th-th-they're interested

in me for my money, and
I'm interested in them

because they're young women.

Oh. That's right, the
greatest generation.

Uh-huh, you know what I think, Ed?

I th... I think you're scared.

I think you're scared to let someone in.

And that... that makes
me feel sorry for you.

You're right, she's totally bananas.

- Or she's got a point.
- Mm.

Bonnie's a lot like Vanessa.

You'd be lucky to have her.

Bonnie.

Good work.

Just one thing. I noticed
that when you wrote "cosine,"

you dotted your "I" with a daisy.

I, uh, have a sister
who used to do that.

Well, Kyle and I helped.

And I like to give each
letter a little personality.

Yeah, but Boyd was
with us the whole time.

And when we finished the work,

he felt really good about himself.

- I do feel good.
- Mm.

And isn't that what's important?

Boyd, go to your room.

Guess it isn't.

Let me guess, he had you
do all his homework for him

because he said he was
too stupid to do it?

Yeah. And gave you
his sad puppy dog eyes?

How did you know? (Gasps)
Did you even go to Aspen?

No. It's how he gets
out of doing things.

Yeah, he's a bright kid, but, lately,

he uses it to avoid doing work.

Wow. You know, now
I'm starting to wonder

if he really couldn't wash the dishes

because he's "too sensitive to water."

(Laughs) Yeah. Ryan
told me about your, uh,

- "let's be friends" parenting theory.
- Yeah.

Ryan: Rookie mistake, guys.

Look, he has plenty
of friends, all right?

We need to be his parents.

It's not always fun,
but it's what he needs.

Parenting is actually
harder than it looks.

Like math.

You might want to finish
checking those answers.

No, Boyd will.

And we will make sure he gets it right.

Really? I'm so sorry.

It's okay. You were trying to
help. And at the end of the day,

(Mimics Vin Diesel): we're family.

Can everybody do Vin Diesel?

(Bad New York accent): "We're family."

Family. We're family.

Oh, Mom, do you have to leave?

Oh, there's really nothing
to keep me here, dear.

Wh-Wh-What does that
mean? I mean, Ed's gone,

but we could spend more time together.

I'm really surprised
to hear you say that.

It-it seems like you always
need someone to be with us,

like a... oh, I don't
know, like a buffer.

(Scoffs) That's ridiculous.

All right, all right. You...

I-I-I just feel like
every time we're alone,

all you do is judge me.

You think I judge you?

Y-Yeah, see? There. There.
That. That head tilt.

Yeah. Every time you do it,

I feel like that little girl
who lost the spelling bee.

Huh? Vacuum has two "U" s?

I mean, that's just weird.

Sweetie, I have a vision imbalance.

Tilting my head helps me
see straight. (Stammers)

(Sighs) Wh-Why didn't
you tell me that before?

I never know what to say to you.

Whatever-whatever it is,
it-it's not interesting enough,

or it's not smart enough.

- Oh, that's just stupid.
- I just... I...

Bad... bad choice of words.

And-and you're always
taking these little sh*ts.

You know, putting me down.

Mom, I don't do that
to be superior to you.

I do that to hurt you.

Oh.

I'm just not great
with the talking today.

Do you have any idea how
intimidating you can be?

To you?

Yeah. Yeah, you know,

one day, one day I'm
changing your diaper,

and the next day you're this
accomplished woman with a PhD.

And I only managed to go to
what? Two years of college.

Mom, you-you are the first woman

in our family ever to go to college.

- Well...
- You...

You've always been my role model.

(Laughing): I have? Really?

Yeah, really.

Is that what you wanted to
talk about at the... at lunch?

- Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- Oh.

Might... might take a few
lunches to sort everything out.

Yeah.

You know, 'cause we... we have
been doing this for years.

Ten years.

Well, it might take a few dinners, too.

- I think so. -Yeah.
- (Knocking on door)

- Oh.
- Oh.

Permission to enter a house
full of strong, beautiful women?

- Granted.
- Oh.

Bonnie, my dear.

I apologize for before.

That's not the man I want to be.

I would be so lucky to spend time

with a woman of substance like yourself.

Oh. W-Well, thank you.

Th-Th-These are...
they're beautiful.

- Just beautiful.
- Yes, Ed. Thank you.

Perhaps we could go to a
museum tomorrow. Or dancing.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be great.
Sure. You kids, you go. Go.

Very tempting, but I-I think

I'm going to spend the-the
day with my daughter.

We have a lot to talk about.

Yes, we do.

But another time?

Of course.

You know, for years
I've admired this apple.

Imagine my delight in
getting to know the tree.

- He's lovely. He's just lovely.
- Yes.

Well, well, well. (Grunts)

Oh, now.

What are we gonna do about these?

Hmm.

Ah. There. We made it better.

- Aw. My baby.
- Oh, Mommy.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for
Outdoor Man, with a word about

the most powerful force ever
unleashed in the known universe:

family.

Yeah, there's a reason they
call it "nuclear family,"

because only the people we love
can drop megatons of guilt,

resentment and judgment on us.

And that's just at Christmas.

Even so-called happy families
have one or two people

at the table who are
basically just enriched uranium

in search of
exploding-bridgewire detonators.

I'm surprised I could even say that.

They say, "Did you
enjoy the mushroom soup?

Now enjoy a mushroom cloud
of emotional destruction."

Of course, the mother
lode in any family is,

well, of course, the mother.

Who else can turn your soul
into an irradiated blast zone

with a well-timed...
(Sighing): "I don't know. I..."

I mean, that is pure mom mojo.

There's a simple reason no
one can push your buttons

quite like your mother:
she sewed them on!