05x06 - Mother's Little Helper

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oliver.

Your math book looks sad.

You know why?

Because it's got so many problems.

[Chuckles]

You don't need to tell a dad joke to remind us you're a dad.

Your new cellphone belt clip tells us that.

TAYLOR: [Laughs]

You can get to it quick in case there's a history emergency.

Hi, it's Greg Otto.

You want to be a history professor but your sweater's not bulky and outdated enough?

[Scoffs]

I've got plenty!

And with every order, I'll tell you one thing that was in Lincoln's pockets when he d*ed.

- [Laughter]

- A button.

Don't make fun of Dad.

He buys these outdated sweaters 'cause he spends every dime giving his family the best life he can.

No, I actually like these sweaters.

Take the olive branch, amigo.

- What are you guys doing?

- Making fun of Dad.

What have I said about making fun of your father?

BOTH: Wait until you're in the room.

That's okay.

Nothing is gonna get me down.

Tami is moving to Westport.

- [Gasps]

- Oh.

- Who's Tami?

- She's from our old block.

She's the greatest.

She held my hand through the tough times.

When Taylor had colic, when Oliver wouldn't sleep-train, when Dad grew that Mario Brothers mustache.

I always hoped it would turn into a beautiful butterfly.

[Laughter]

See?

It's so much nicer making fun of Dad together.

♪

♪ Hey, mommies!

I want to introduce a new exciting guest...

my best friend from my old neighborhood: - Tami Gaines!

- Hi!

- You don't have to get that close, baby.

- Oh, no.

I was just checking to see if I had something in my teeth.

Ooh.

I do.

This lady right here is the closest thing to a mommy vlog before there were mommy vlogs.

She taught me everything I know about being a tough mom.

It's not a tough mom.

It's a good mom.

Kids need boundaries.

And sometimes a strong over-the-counter antihistamine.

[Both laugh]

Tami knows what she is talking about.

She has raised two amazing kids, now in college, and an adorable -year-old named Grace.

Yeah, my youngest one was an accident.

When our last kid left the house, my husband and I finally had the place to ourselves.

We watched "Ocean's Eleven," and that Andy Garcia!

- Whoo!

- [Laughs]

Remember when we would pretend to go to mommy class every Saturday night?

But instead, we made a beeline to the Foxwoods Casino.

Not to gamble.

We would just take naps in those comfy sportsbook loungers.

Oh, how about that time those Eagles fans painted us green?

- We never woke up.

- [Both laugh]

She taught me parenting rule number three: always put "damn" in front of things.

"Pick your damn shoes up." "Make your own damn breakfast." I may be a real mother, but this is the realest mother of them all.

- That's the damn truth.

- Still got it.

- You're damn right.

- Okay, that's enough.

I only get six "damns," or I lose my family-friendly rating.

♪ TAMI: It's so cool you're doing a vlog.

I wish I had more subscribers, but I'm working hard on it.

I have more Twitter followers than Oliver, but not as many as Taylor.

That girl is not afraid to show her feet.

[Laughs]

Well, you got to keep at it.

Matt and I didn't get discouraged when we started our small business, and look at me now.

These holes?

Put there by a designer.

[Laughs]

I still can't believe that you came up with easy-to-rip packaging tape.

If you figured out how to do that with bras, you would make a lot of teenage boys happy.

[Both laugh]

Oops!

I spilled.

Grace!

Oh.

Don't worry about it, honey.

That couch has so much cereal underneath those cushions, it's about time someone added milk.

Well, here, let me help.

I got it.

Don't worry.

You go.

Okay.

Well, thank you.

Grace and I still have some boxes to unpack.

I'm gonna go stare at them for a second, get overwhelmed, and come right back.

[Laughs]

Don't forget, after school today, I need you to be in my vlog.

All you do is embarrass me.

I promise, I won't.

Maybe I will talk about when you were little and you used to call Wheat Thins "weenas." It was cute, but it was awkward at the supermarket when you would scream for weenas.

No!

Some kids at school found your vlog, and now they're making fun of me.

How would you feel if I told embarrassing stories about you?

Remember when you split your leggings at Costco?

Who doesn't wear underwear with leggings?

That's why I was at Costco.

To get underwear.

You have an annoying answer for everything, don't you?

I can do this all day, baby.

[Scoffs]

[Groans]

♪ Ta-da!

I give you the basement.

You were right!

Oliver and Cooper have the best room in the house!

Before I convinced Cooper to give up his credit cards, I should have had him buy me that giant outdoor Yahtzee set.

It's called "Yardsie." You don't have to tell me.

I read SkyMall.

- [Laughs]

- Ooh!

How do you work this massage chair?

Let's try this remote.

Nope.

Whew!

Keep on pressing, baby.

I want a disco ball.

[Both laugh]

[Motor whirring]

[Gasps]

Okay, before you get mad, I'd love a gimlet.

[Whirring stops]

Oliver!

Cooper!!

- [Toilet flushes]

- What's going on?

Have you been in the bathroom this whole time?

Yeah.

I was using the Japanese toilet.

Did you know the seat has a warmer, and if you sit there long enough, it'll ask if you're okay?

I know this sounds weird, but I think we're actually becoming friends.

Where did that come from?

Our -year-old and his idiot friend are drinking.

Ooh!

This is that George Clooney tequila!

This is expensive!

And this is the wine I couldn't afford to buy you on our anniversary.

Remember when the waiter told me how much it costs, and I had to tell him I just realized we were in AA?

I'm going to go find Oliver and Cooper.

I've been rewatching "Dexter." I've got a few m*rder techniques that I've been wanting to try out.

♪ [Door closes]

They're not upstairs.

- They're not outside either.

- Good.

This is gonna give us time to research m*llitary schools.

And not one of the good ones.

The ones that get closed down - after " Minutes" does an exposé on them.

- Mm-hmm.

Guys.

That is not the way to go.

The more you push back, the more they'll party.

Then they'll just learn to hide it better.

But we can't just let Oliver and Cooper drink!

I agree.

But there are other ways.

[Gasps]

Guide me, sensei.

Okay, first, you leave them a clue to let them know you know about the booze.

[Motor whirring]

[Whirring stops]

Looks like someone moved a bottle.

[Chuckling]

No way.

No one could have found the bar.

What's this?

[Gasps]

It's a Walgreens coupon for cents off pomegranate lip balm!

You know what this means?

That someone's both thrifty and chapped?

No!

My mom's been here!

- She knows!

- What are we gonna do?

Please tell me you had them build the El Chapo escape tunnel.

I did, but it's not finished!

They're still putting down the mosaic floor!

I knew one day your impeccable eye for design would come back to bite us in the ass.

And once they know we know, that's when we drop the hammer?

No.

What you do next is...

nothing.

Let 'em squirm.

The long wait for you to come down on them with the punishment is the punishment.

Smart.

The scariest monsters in the movies are the ones you don't see.

Like climate change.

We're not doing that right now, Greg.

♪ I guess we could take a little break from our homework.

Is that what we were supposed to be doing?

I was trying to come up with nicknames for myself.

All I have so far is "Cheeseburger Larry." [Laughs]

One thing I have found is that kids love screen time.

Maybe too much.

Who are you talking to?

You guys.

I see that you're playing video games.

My suggestion would be to do your homework first.

That's good time management, mommies.

"Mommies" is my new pet name for you two.

Care to explain this?

I, um...

I got nothin'.

Franklin?

[Latches click]

Katie Otto?

You've been served.

- A cease and desist order?

- Yes.

You are no longer allowed to use images of Anna-Kat Otto without her express written permission.

How did you even get this?

Oh.

My mom's Church Leader, Bob.

He keeps a stack of them on his desk.

He gets a lot from Taylor Swift.

He uses her music in his recruitment videos.

♪ Remember, I have my Monday night faculty meeting, so I won't be home for dinner.

And you need to find a ride home from school.

[Sighs]

How will I ever get home without listening to Jefferson Starship?

- Ha ha.

Very funny.

- [Laughs]

[Both laugh]

[Door opens, closes]

Good morning.

Heyyy.

How are you boys feeling?

[Smacks lips]

Good?

Good!

Good.

Glad to hear that.

Coop, let's make ourselves useful and deep-clean the kitchen.

Yeah.

Love that idea.

I'm kinda itching to dust the tops of those, uh, curtain rods.

Yeah.

[Chuckle nervously]

Soon, the guilt will kick in, and they'll do anything to get on your good side to lessen the punishment.

And as a bonus, they'll develop an aversion to alcohol because they'll associate it with stress.

- You're amazing!

- And the best part is...

That wasn't the best part?!

Greg!

- There's a better part!

- [Laughs]

Eventually, they'll confess, and you guys will have all that fancy liquor to yourselves.

You can drink it, sell it, give it to your good friend Tami as a thank-you for this great plan.

No pressure, but that last idea...

I like that one.

We're gonna have a real bar!

Not three half-bottles of Bloody Mary mix next to the under the sink.

♪ Oliver and Cooper are deep-cleaning behind the refrigerator right now.

They found an old pizza bagel, my AAA card, and Greg's beret, which now I have to hide someplace else.

Rule nine: psychological t*rture works.

It just does.

Now if you could just help me with Anna-Kat.

What's going on with her?

She refuses to do my vlog.

Why don't you just use Grace?

Perfect!

And this'll give me a chance to get to know her.

I mean, it's not like I can physically force Anna-Kat to do my vlog.

She's already lawyered up.

He's only , but he makes me nervous.

♪ [Rock music plays]

Hey, Fiona, can you give me a ride home?

My dad has a faculty meeting.

Isn't that your father right there?

♪ Oh.

My.

God.

[Song ends]

- [Applause]

- Thank you!

All right, this next one goes out to all you civil warriors out there.

It's called...

ALL: "Gettin' Readys-burg for Gettysburg"!

Oh.

My.

God.

He plays here every Monday night with a few other history professors.

- You didn't know?

[Chuckles]

- [Drumsticks tapping]

[Rock music plays]

♪ July of ♪

♪ At : a.m., there was a battle for breakfast ♪

♪ Instead of boiled eggs and ham ♪

♪ The Union's in need of a leader with speed ♪

♪ Luckily, they had General George G.Meade ♪

♪ We're parched from rebellions, and a drink's what we need ♪

♪ So pour us that tall glass of General Meade ♪

♪ We're gettin' readys-burg for Gettysburg ♪

♪ Let's go and headys-burg to Gettysburg ♪

♪ I'm feeling sweatys-burg from Gettysburg ♪

♪ 'Cause history gets me hot ♪

[Light applause]

Oh.

My.

God.

♪ The gutters are clean.

Now we're going to brush Luthor's gums.

They're the gutters of the mouth.

KATIE: Why don't you come over here first?

[Whispers]

It's happening now.

What's she gonna do to us?

I can't take this anymore.

Pull yourself together, dude!

Now do me.

[Both exhale sharply]

Here we are.

You must be thirsty.

Can I get you a drink?

W-Water's fine.

Would you like it on the rocks?

I'm...

sorry?

Well, I wouldn't want to give it to you room temperature and hear you two...

"whine." Actually, I'm not thirsty anymore.

[Chuckling]

Me neither.

What was that about?

Oh, just messing with the boys' heads.

Cool.

Hi, Dad!

How was your after-school meeting?

- Fine.

- I'm curious...

What kind of stuff do you guys talk about?

Talking points.

What kind of talking points?

Historical ones.

Okay.

I'm gonna go upstairs now.

Getting readys-burg for bed, huh?

What was that all about?

Just messing with Dad's head.

Cool.

ANNA-KAT: Don't be pointing that camera at me.

You're off the hook.

I got Grace to do my vlog with me.

She's actually excited about it.

I didn't want to say anything in front of her mom, but Grace is kind of...

difficult.

She spilled her milk on the couch on purpose.

I'm sure it was an accident.

No, she said, "Watch this," and dumped her milk on the sofa.

And then she said, "Got milk?", which is both mean and outdated.

Wow.

You don't want to do my vlog, and now you're making up lies about a sweet little girl because you are jealous.

I'm telling you the truth.

She's psycho.

There's no way that she's a bad kid - with Tami as her mother.

- Suit yourself.

I shouldn't even be talking to you without Franklin present.

Grace?

You ready to start?

I guess.

[Button clicks]

Hello, all you real mothers.

My guest today is the adorable daughter of my good friend and mom sensei, Tami.

Say hello, Grace!

No.

[Laughs]

Someone is a little camera-shy.

Okay.

Today we are going to learn how to make lunch with whatever you have that's about to go bad.

For me, that is an open sleeve of crackers, cream cheese, and strawberries.

Doesn't that sound fun?

I want cake.

We all want cake, Grace.

But we're having cr*cker cream cheese strawberry yummy bites.

Have one.

Come on!

Show everyone how delicious these treats are.

There you go.

Here, Luthor!

Grace, do not give that to the dog.

Grace?

I said no.

I mean it, Grace.

Do not...

Grace whatever your middle name is Gaines!

Next time, have cake.

Not cool, Grace!

I'm coming, mommies!

[Gasps]

What a fun guest!

On tomorrow's show: how do you tell the woman that you have held up as the greatest mother in the world that she raised a terrible child?

Also: do-it-yourself sparkle slime.

[Door opens, closes]

Thank you so much for letting Grace do the vlog, but we did have a couple of incidents.

She is very cute, but she's a little...

Monster?

Yeah.

She's the worst.

Why didn't you tell me?

Honestly, I needed a break.

And you look up to me as this great mom.

And now I'm not.

What are you talking about?

I don't have the energy to do it anymore.

Plus, Grace has built up a tolerance to over-the-counter antihistamines.

But you just helped me with Oliver.

I can handle the older kids, like my boys.

But when Grace came around, I was exhausted.

I was busy with my businesses.

I didn't have time to set up the same rules as I did for the others.

And Grace never lets up.

I don't know what to do with her.

I tried to wrap her up in my damn tape, but it was too easy to break out of.

And yet it still holds the boxes closed.

I know.

That's why I'm rich.

[Laughs]

You know how to deal with her.

Don't forget rule .

Rule .

Rule .

I'm just so tired.

Can't we go to Foxwoods?

Pretend to take away...

Something they love.

And?

If they start to cry, then you know it's working!

Yes!

That's it!

♪ Grace?

You seem to have an awfully good time with Luthor.

He gets me.

It's a shame you can't see him anymore.

Why?

Well, you fed him that food that I told you not to give him.

And that's not good for him.

If you're gonna be around pets, you have to be able to listen.

And it doesn't seem like you're able to do that, so Katie's gonna put Luthor in the office, and you can't see him anymore.

Then can I get my own puppy?

Of course, honey.

[Softly]

Tami!

Uh, no!

I mean...

no.

Because...

you don't listen.

I'm sorry.

If I could play with Luthor, I promise to listen.

That's more like it.

Is it okay if I throw the Frisbee to Luthor?

Please?

Of course, honey.

Thank you for asking.

- She asked for permission?

- Mm-hmm.

- And she said please?

- Mm-hmm.

You broke her spirit.

- I'm so proud of you!

- [Laughs]

♪ Why didn't you tell everyone about my band?

Because you didn't want to betray my confidence?

No.

You're cute.

I wanted to wait till we're all together in the same room.

- [Laughs]

- You know why I kept it quiet?

Because you guys mock me about everything.

And I get it...

dads get made fun of.

But we get sick of it, too.

So, when I joined the band, I kept it to myself.

You may not think it, but I have feelings, you know.

[Sighs]

Man!

This is way less fun when you make me see you as a person.

[Sighs]

Since when do you play bass?

I learned in high school.

That's really cool.

So, what other secrets are you keeping from the family?

Even though Anna-Kat's outgrown it, - sometimes I still watch "Peppa Pig." - Me too!

I love it when they jump up and down in the muddy puddles.

- It's so good!

- Right?

♪ Hey.

Can we talk a second?

[Buttons clicking]

[Cellphone swishes]

[Sighs]

I'm sorry for saying that you were a difficult child.

After spending time with Grace, I now know what one really is.

Turns out, Tami is not a perfect mom...

and I am not one either.

I shouldn't have forced you to be on my vlog.

I actually don't mind being on it so much.

I just wish all the stories about me weren't embarrassing ones.

I get it.

- Moving forward...

- [Door opens, closes]

- ...you have final say of what I post.

- [Footsteps approach rapidly]

[Panting]

I got here as fast as I could.

Oh, sorry, Mom.

I texted him when you walked in, just in case.

We're good.

I'm still billing you for this.

♪ I haven't slept.

I have this constant gnawing in my stomach.

And pieces of my hair are falling out.

Without my hair, I drop from a to a !

I know.

We're like mice.

And she's the snake toying with us.

Just swallow us whole and barf us up already.

That's it!

Mom!

Dad!

What are you doing?

I've had enough.

[Footsteps approaching]

Hey, fellas.

What's shakin'?

- We know you know.

- End this already!

Yes!

We have a bar.

We've been drinking!

But not even that much.

I just like to hold the snifter in my hand and swirl.

It's a WASP thing.

I'm begging you.

Please, punish us.

We know underage drinking is wrong and promise to never do it again.

Great.

So we'll just take that booze off your hands - so you're not tempted.

- Mm.

Oh, you don't have to worry about that.

We poured it down the Japanese toilet.

[Gasps]

[Motor whirring]

- [Whirring stops]

- No!

[Sighing]

Oh, well.

I'm gonna drown my sorrows in a Bloody Mary.

Who wants one?

I'll have a Windex chaser.

Hmm.

♪ [Rock music plays]

♪ Smoke in the sky ♪

♪ Blood all around ♪

♪ Robert Lee retreated straight from the grounds ♪

♪ It was a turning point in the civil w*r ♪

♪ As they pushed Lee away from Philly ♪

♪ No cheesesteaks for Lee, showed himself out the door ♪

♪ This rebellion is just plain silly ♪

♪ We're gettin' readys-burg for Gettysburg ♪

♪ Let's go and headys-burg to Gettysburg ♪

♪ I'm feeling sweatys-burg from Gettysburg ♪

♪ 'Cause history gets me hot! ♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]

- Whoo!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

It was so good.

[Huffs]

What's his problem?

I think you upstaged him.

You better pray you never have my class, Otto!