09x04 - Jen Again

[bunniefuu]

What are you watching?

England's Best Pastry Chef. - Ah.

- We're at the ganache challenge.

But it has been a rough tart. Ha.

It's too bad Jen's not around.

She loved your puns.

I know, I miss her.

Oh, oh.

Uh, Nigel's starting a trifle.

- Oh, it's riveting.

- (LAUGHS)

Are you using my profile?

No.

No.

Ooh, God forbid you want to watch World's Bloodiest Kills - and The Great Cream Puff Showdown pops up.

- That's right.

You know, I like messing with the man.

Watch a little Sean Hannity, quickly flip over to something about Bernie Sanders.

You know, the algorithm guy doesn't know what to make of me.

None of us do, Mike.

- Hey, Kyle.

- Hey, Mr. B, Mrs. B.

- Hey, Kyle.

Hi.

- Oh, I love this show.

- Hey, did Nigel survive the ganache challenge?

- Uh, hey.

Don't get her tarted. - These are easy.

- All right, well, all this exquisite pastry is making me hungry, and I think I have some meat sticks in the pantry.

Oh, hey, Mr. B, they, uh, they delivered - Jen's Outdoor Man uniform to HR, so I brought it home.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's supposed to be a surprise.

Oh, and it was.

I did not see that request coming.

Not for you.

This is for Vanessa.

Now that it's safe to travel, Jen is coming to visit.

Oh, Mrs. B is gonna love that.

Jen's been gone for so long.

When is she gonna get here?

- Uh, two days.

- Yeah.

I'm never gonna make it.

What do you mean?

No, I-I can't keep a secret.

I'm gonna say something to Mrs. B, I just know it.

No, you're not.

So you got to quiet down.

- Calm...

- Hey, what are you two whispering about?

Uh, just no one's visiting ever, - and it's...

- No, no...

What happened?

What...

Are you okay?

(STRAINS): I'm okay.

I just sucked in a bad bit of dust.

♪♪ - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- MIKE: Yeah.

KYLE: Uh, Mr. B, do you have a minute?

Sure, Kyle.

Come on in.

You...

What's with the scarf?

Oh, this?

Uh, yeah, I'm just a little chilly.

Has nothing to do with you punching me in the throat.

I didn't punch you in the throat.

You're right, you're right.

It was really more of a karate chop.

It was a little... little poke.

And I apologize.

Look, this, uh, surprise experience with Jen has become rather difficult.

I won't do that again.

Well, you might.

I'm having a-a teeny problem getting a work visa for Jen.

What is the teeny problem, Kyle?

I can't get a work visa for Jen.

She needs an H- B visa, which means she should have interviewed at the American consulate in Hong Kong, but for some reason, she didn't.

Her dad probably wanted to surprise her, too, and that would've tipped her off.

(SIGHS)

Is it just me, or do surprises really suck?

(STAMMERS)

She can interview when she gets here, but she might get declined by the State Department.

The State Department acting like idiots?

What chance is there of that?

Oh, boy.

Okay...

oh, oh, oh.

Ed, Ed?

- Ed?

- Yeah?

- Uh, quick-quick question, Ed.

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you still have contacts at the State Department?

'Cause I need an H- B visa for Jen.

Ooh, well, I can try, but there's no guarantee.

I-I took one of the diplomats out and gave her the night of her life.

(CHUCKLES)

I never called her back.

No, I didn't think you could do it.

Well, I-I didn't say I couldn't.

- I'm just saying...

- I said it'd be hard.

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet you can't.

Bet I can.

Can't.

Bet I can.

Little wager?

You're on.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Easy money.

Do you think he can do it?

Probably.

The real question is... will I ever give this back?

- Hey.

Morning, Chuck.

- Morning, Chuck.

Hey, you two.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

D-Do we have an appointment?

'Cause you're looking at me like my dogs when I forget to feed them.

Honey, you really don't have to do this, okay?

- It's not that big of a deal.

- I know.

I want to, okay?

You're pretty good at golf, right?

(CHUCKLES)

"Pretty good at golf".

Let me see.

Um...

Bam!

"Outdoor Man Golf Tournament, , second place".

Mm-hmm.

Behind a cheater.

That was the year my dad won.

That's right.

So, what do you need?

Uh, well, my boss asked me to play golf with some of the guys at his country club this weekend.

- CHUCK: Oh.

- Which is so not his scene.

He is good at his job.

- That's all that should matter.

- It's just a way to fit in, and I am tired of being called "the new guy".

(LAUGHS)

Really?

With all the names Baxter calls you, y-you're upset with "new guy"?

Come on.

It's also a good way to get my boss's attention, so...

Oh, you could just stand outside of his window with a boom box.

RYAN: So, what do you think?

You want to help me, uh, tighten up my game?

(CHUCKLES)

Do I need to show you the trophy again?

- I'll get us a tee time at City Park.

- Great.

Thank you.

And, look, I don't have to be really good or anything.

I just don't want to embarrass myself.

Oh, no, no.

We'll work on your short game, your long game, your Tiger Woods fist pump.

Yeah.

Yes, baby.

We'll work on that.

- Great.

- We will work on that, too.

It'll be good.

- Hmm.

- Ah.

Still can't find your keys?

Yeah, I must be losing my mind.

I have looked everywhere.

It's like they just disappeared.

Yeah, well, I guess it's time to look in the garbage.

- Oh, honey, you'd do that for me?

- Nope.

But if you go find last week's sports page, I do want to read that.

Hey, Mr. B, I finished cleaning upstairs for...

Jesus.

I do everything for Jesus.

- What?

- MIKE: Good.

God is great all the time.

All right, what's the secret?

- Hey.

Is Jen here yet?

- Jen?

- MIKE: That was supposed to be a surprise.

- VANESSA: Hey.

Wait, wait, wait.

Jen's coming for a visit?

Actually, the way you missed her, a visit wouldn't be enough, so Jen's coming here for a year.

A year?

Oh, my God...

uh, are you serious?

I'm serious.

She'll be here any minute.

- Oh!

- And by the way, here's your keys.

You had them?

I was just gonna go through the garbage!

You kept trying to leave.

And the garbage, I did want the sports section.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Knock, knock.

- Hey!

- VANESSA: Jen!

Oh, my gosh, what a surprise.

Oh...

Whoa.

Check out new Jen.

You look awesome.

- Thank you.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

- No.

In Hong Kong, I'm actually considered tall.

I am not impressed.

Come here, stretch.

How are you?

- It's so good to see you.

- You, too.

Uh, how are things at home?

Oh, you know, things are still a little unsettled...

- Right, right.

- ... but I'm trying to stay optimistic.

- Good.

- Well, you're here now, and I'm...

I...

You know what?

I'm just so happy to see you.

I'm so happy to see you, too.

Um, I'm gonna put this upstairs.

- Oh, no.

Here, let me get it.

- Thank you, Kyle.

Whoa.

What's in here?

Rocks?

- I hope so.

- Want to help me determine - how old they are?

- Oh, of course.

- We have a radiocarbon date.

- MIKE: Yeah.

I'm so happy, I don't even mind the puns.

Come on upstairs, you have to meet our daughter.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yes.

Yay, Sarah.

Thank you so much for doing this, Mr. Baxter.

- You bet.

- I've really missed all of you.

You and I are gonna have the most fun a girl and her surrogate mom could possibly have - in one short week.

(LAUGHS)

- MIKE: Yeah.

One week?

I thought you said she was gonna be here for a year.

That's what her dad told me.

Which means I poked Kyle in the throat for nothing?

Mm.

(EXHALES) You'll have to forgive me.

I just woke up. I-It's tomorrow morning here in Hong Kong. - You're talking to the future.

- (VANESSA LAUGHS)

That's interesting.

In the future, am I still pissed at you?

Hold on.

Hold on.

I-I'm sure that Henry has a very good reason why he didn't tell Jen how long she'd be staying.

I did what I had to do to get her to leave.

Well, uh, why?

What's-what's going on over there?

Can you be a little more specific?

Not really. W-Why not?

It's complicated. I think this is a conversation we should have privately.

(CHUCKLES): I mean, isn't that what we're doing?

I'm going to get a little drink of water.

(MOUTHING)

(LAUGHS): Okay.

Uh, I'm sorry, Henry, Mike is practicing his mime act.

No, I'm not.

I'm listening.

A lot of people are listening.

Oh.

Um, I'm-I'm guessing that maybe you want to talk about something else.

You guys obviously have a lot going on over there. Uh, I should probably talk to Jen now. Oh, uh, let me...

Uh, it's gonna take...

I got to set her up.

Uh, g-give us five...

Call me back in five minutes.

Good?

Great.

Okay, what's wrong with this... hear me.

Listen.

Someone's listening.

Listening.

Listening!

I thought you were doing Princess Leia.

Okay.

Next time I'll just point to my fly and say, "Zip it.

Zip it".

He'll be out in a minute.

He's just putting on the clothes I bought for him.

He's gonna be okay, right?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh, he's got a natural swing.

Must have been all that hockey he played as a kid.

He's really nervous.

I don't think he wants to admit it, but, uh, I think this means a lot to him.

CHUCK: Okay.

- Ooh!

- KRISTIN: Ow!

Hey.

Now I understand why there are golf groupies.

(CHUCK LAUGHS)

Do I, uh, look okay?

Oh, you look amazing, man.

I can almost hear you politely telling me I'm not welcome at your club.

You're gonna be amazing, honey.

Okay?

It's gonna be, "Adios, New Guy.

Hello, Sexy Pants".

(CHUCK LAUGHS)

Uh, do you think she's right?

Oh, you're gonna be fine, but I'd rather not comment on your pants.

It was, like, creepy when Henry was saying somebody else was listening.

Shh!

I can't hear with you talking.

They're speaking Mandarin.

What difference does it make?

Well, it sounds pretty heated.

I'm dying to know what they're talking about.

Hey, why-why do you think Henry sent her here?

You know, he's a good dad.

I'm sure he has a great reason.

Mm.

Yeah, still, it's weird.

Sending her here under false pretenses.

(CHUCKLES)

It's like we're involved in some kind of international caper.

That's the exact same thing you said when you tried to sneak an apple on an airplane.

Oh... that was an orange.

Are we actually comparing apples to oranges?

So you're okay with what Henry did?

Let me ask you a question.

What do we want most for our kids?

Well, we want them to be happy.

Well, we say that, but let's be honest.

What's more important than them being happy?

Well, them being safe.

I was gonna say marrying rich, but I like yours better.

Henry's just trying to keep her safe.

- I think so.

- Huh.

And I'm also sure it was an apple.

Well, if Jen's okay with it, then, uh, then I'm okay with it.

(JEN SHOUTING IN MANDARIN)

She's on the run.

Jen, Jen, just hold on.

Stop, stop.

Stop.

- Honey...

- Are you okay?

No.

I'm getting my suitcase.

I'm going back home and you can't stop me.

Well, the TSA can because I have your passport.

- You stole her passport?

- No.

I needed it to get the work permit.

You said it was to keep it safe.

I said it would be in the safe.

Why doesn't anybody listen to me?

Well, give it back to me, or I'll, uh...

(MIKE CLEARS THROAT)

- I'll...

- (WHISTLING)

- I'll take your...

- W-What?

What?

What?

You can't even think of anything bad to do.

You know why?

Because you're a good person.

And being such a good person turns around to bite you in the ass.

All right, stop.

Stop teasing, just stop.

Stop.

Listen.

Honey, I-I know you're angry, but I'm sure your dad had a very good reason for wanting you here.

Yes.

He's going to start speaking out - about what's going on back home.

- What?

Well, I mean, then it makes sense that he'd want you here and safe.

Right.

He just wants to protect you.

No, I need to protect him. - How's that?

- He's only speaking out because I made him.

All right, wait, wait.

What are you talking about?

It was just dinner talk to begin with.

Me explaining what the issues were.

I didn't even think he was listening at first.

You kids think we never listen.

We do sometimes.

Well, then, after a little, he started to push back.

And, you know, just sort of giving me the standard line.

Yeah, but-but you didn't think he believed it.

No.

I know what kind of man he is.

So I started pushing and arguing, and obviously I convinced him to do something - he doesn't really want to do!

- Okay...

- Jen...

- Jen, hold...

Wow.

Thank God we live in a country where nothing weird ever happens.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey!

So how did my boy do?

Uh-oh.

Was it bad?

Was it bad?

Hmm.

I don't know.

Kris, tell Chuck why I'm pounding beers.

He's had two.

They're raspberry flavored.

What happened to your clothes?

I can't relive it.

Kris, will you tell him?

Uh, well, actually he was, he was doing really great.

He was only a few strokes behind everyone.

No, you're not even telling it right, I'll do it.

Even though I'm drunk.

Did you fall down or something?

Oh, we'll get there.

So, we come to the tenth hole, and there's a lake.

You know what lakes have?

Geese.

(WHISPERING): Ryan is terrified of geese.

Wrong.

They don't like me.

They chase me for no reason.

He gets chased by geese a lot.

More than most people.

Fourth grade field trip, high school reunion, my cousin's wedding, today.

Someone took a video.

And sent it to everyone in the company.

- (GEESE HONKING ON VIDEO)

- (LAUGHING)

All I wanted to do is just not embarrass myself.

But the goose community had other ideas.

Don't worry, honey, they'll all forget about it.

You know, someday...

way in the future.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, it's my boss.

I can't even read this.

Okay, uh...

Hey, "Never had more fun on a golf course.

See you Monday, Goose".

He called me Goose?

I mean, I guess I was pretty entertaining.

I mean, sometimes I run like that just to be funny.

I'm so happy for you, honey.

Want another raspberry lager?

I think I'll go to something harder.

- Hmm.

- Grab me a lemon.

- Oh...

(CHUCKLES)

- Chuck?

Any fruit'll do.

Just surprise me.

I want to watch this video again.

- (GEESE HONKING ON VIDEO)

- (LAUGHING)

So you stole my keys, you stole Jen's passport.

What-what is with you lately?

I texted you about all this.

You...

Where's my phone?!

I'd like my passport and a ride to the airport, please.

All right, absolutely, but we-we just want to talk to you for a minute.

And I'll need $ if I'm taking you to the airport.

- Jen, look, I-I know you're angry.

- I'm not angry.

- Okay, I know you're frustrated.

- I'm not frustrated.

Then what are you?

I'm scared.

My father's all I have.

I don't want to lose him.

Honey, honey, come here.

Just sit down.

Just-just for one minute.

Come here, come here.

So you want to go back because you care about your dad.

Of course I do.

Okay, let me ask you this: do you want your dad safe or do you want him happy?

I don't understand.

Both.

I'm not sure it can be both.

Listen, if you go back there, good chance is he'll be safe.

But he won't be able to speak out.

And if he doesn't speak out, he won't be happy.

I think you know what type of person your dad is.

Well, I can't just stay here and worry about him the whole time.

Okay, Jen, look, look, look, look.

Maybe-maybe I shouldn't say this, but, I mean, I-I think of you like a daughter.

And if you go back, then I will worry about you the whole time.

Hmm.

I will worry about you the whole time.

Jen, honey, you're an adult.

Okay?

So it's ultimately your choice.

Um, so if you want to go back, I will drive you to the airport.

- Jen?

- You okay?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go back upstairs.

But listen, if things get really scary, I am gonna go home.

I might even go with you.

Thanks.

I should call my dad.

Nice work, Mr. Baxter.

You, too, Mrs. Baxter.

I love that kid.

So do I.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, for a minute there, I thought I was gonna have to drive her to the airport.

For a minute there, I was worried I'd have to hide her suitcase where I hid your phone.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Listen, I want to thank all of you who use our website to purchase your outdoor gear.

Especially the , people who clicked on our new telescopic casting rods.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I know everything.

Actually, I have a bone to pick with the of you who clicked "add to cart" but couldn't bring yourself to "proceed to checkout".

Come on, man.

You're like the virtual version of those shopping carts I see abandoned in grocery store aisles.

What do these people...

"Let's see, I got milk, eggs, juice, broccoli.

Perfect.

Now I'll just park the cart in the middle of this aisle and go home".

They just grab stuff they can't pay for.

Left-wingers, right?

(CHUCKLES)

But even on this website, a handful of you filled your cart, made it all the way to checkout, then couldn't bring yourself to "confirm purchase".

I'm talking to you, Russell B. in Wichita.

I have my eye on you, fella.

But don't fret, we value privacy at Outdoor Man, and I promise, we don't share your data.

I'm not like...

them. Them, who are trying to control your mind.

I'm just trying to get you out of the house.

People, let's make sure "them" don't run the show.

You, the individual, are in charge of your life.

You are the boss.

You make the choices that determine what that life will be.

Now confirm that purchase.

I'm watching.

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)