03x03 - Gonna Hurt

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me, can I help you?

Where'd they go?

Who?

I just sweep the floors, lady.

Look upon me, Tulip O'Hare.

God?

But you look just like fake God.

That was by design.

I've come to thank you, Tulip O'Hare.

Thank me?

For what?

Don't you know?

I am all-knowing.

Well, then, you know I screwed up.

That was by design.

But the Grail's got Jesse's soul and now he's stuck here 'cause of me.

Also by design.

Wait, you wanted me to screw up?

I was counting on it.

It's your nature, Tulip O'Hare.

You see, I give all my children free will.

And some do the right thing over and over, but others, alas.

How did your father put it?

The...

Curse of the O'Hares.

Free will is a blessing and a curse.

Do not despair, my child.

Just know.

I am a loving God.

Hey.

What are you doing down here, anyway?

What's this big design of yours?

It is not your place to question me.

I'm preparing a test for the future of creation.

Yeah?

What kind of test?

Pass-fail.

And that is all you can know for now.

Goodbye, O'Hare.

Nah, I call bullshit.

Pervy dog-suit?

Pony tail, an earring, the Harley?

Her?

I'm warning you, O'Hare.

You're not down here for any big plan or design.

You're just screwing around.

Do not question me.

I am God Almighty.

You're an almighty dickwad, is what you are.

I am the Alpha and the Omega.

I am a loving God, Tulip O'Hare, but do not push it!

Yeah, you better run!

You better hide.

But one way or another, I will find you and I'm gonna kick your...

Yeah, now, now I can see what I'm doing.

All right.

All right.

Where?

Where is it?

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

You're doing great, friend.

Tell you what, it's a lovely concoction, this.

I can hardly feel a thing.

What do you call this now?

That's...

That's numb-er-er.

- "Numb-er-er"?

- Yeah, yeah.

Dull the pain and lower the inhibition.

Fog the memory.

It's got a familiar taste to it, you know.

Pork bile?

- No, it's not that.

- Lapathum?

- Hemlock?

- Hemlock!

Has it got bloody hemlock in it?

That's great.

It's been a bloody age.

Like, I love a bit of hemlock, man.

That's great.

Keep...

Keep on puffing.

Thinking happy, happy, happy, happy thoughts.

Yeah.

That's a five-five-six.

Now, we'll let that breathe for a while before I sew you up.

Yeah.

I think I'll have one more wee toot.

- Is this your first dance with death?

- No.

No.

No, no, no.

Tulip.

She says I must've swallowed a b*llet magnet, you know.

Lovely Tulip.

I've been sh*t so many times, and stabbed too.

All across here, like.

I was nearly cut in half once by this jealous husband.

Sneaky bastard snuck up on me from behind with a bloody samurai sword.

And then there was this jealous wife this one time, right?

She had a sawn-off shotgun.

And the twin blasts blew straight through me, and it k*lled her husband, who was blowing me!

If irony had a patron saint...

That, very curious.

Yeah, do you know, most people guess that that's a finch, but actually it's a bloody magpie.

No, no.

Not the tattoos, your scars.

I don't have any scars.

Exactly.

Well, with all the cuts and stabs and b*ll*ts.

Why ain't you dead?

I'm very limber.

Yeah.

Pilates, you know?

I tell you what, T.C., I'm feeling a bit peckish, you know?

You want some of my swamp consommé?

I really shouldn't 'cause I know what's in it, but I will, actually.

I'll have a bit of your swamp consommé.

That'd be great.

I'll be right back.

You're doing...

You're doing good.

Thank you, man.

So, that's where you've been?

Don't make any sense.

Why'd He come to you?

Well, why the hell wouldn't He come to me?

No, it's not that.

It's just...

I'm the one that's been looking for Him.

Well, pretty sure He wants you to stop looking.

That's why He set me up.

He's scared of you.

God's scared of Genesis.

Well, He better be scared of me, too, 'cause I'm gonna kick His ass.

How exactly are you gonna kick His ass?

What do you mean?

I'll just kick His d*ck ass.

Here's your O'Hare curse!

Don't matter anyway, Tulip, 'cause I'm stuck here.

Stuck here with your scary granny and her hanky?

We got free will, Jesse Custer.

We'll just unstick you.

It's not that easy.

Ain't that hard, either.

She's an old lady.

Hell, I'll go down there right now and just grab that stupid...

No.

Stay away from her.

Don't go near my gran'ma.

You understand?

She's dangerous.

So am I.

I mean it.

So do I.

Knock much?

Rise and shine.

You gotta get going.

Get out of here, Jody!

Where you going?

Jody's taking me to church.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, getting something for Gran'ma.

Now?

Old habits die hard.

Sorry if I interrupted something up there.

You don't look very sorry.

No?

What do I look like?

An assh*le, as usual.

That Cassidy's a hoot.

- How's he doing?

- Good.

Real good.

He's a curious fella.

Been through the wars.

And a fast healer.

Real fast.

"Fast healer"?

Yeah.

Meaning what?

I mean that he is healing fast.

Well, he's a smart-ass Irishman, probably used to being sh*t at.

Truck.

Ten minutes.

I'll go and check on Cassidy, then I gotta go.

Okay.

I'll be back soon.

You sit tight, all right?

Got it.

So, T.C., where's the old lady?

Miss Marie is still asleep.

Tulip?

I said, sit tight.

I am.

I'm sitting.

Tight.

Enjoy church.

Pray for me.

You wanna see my dingle?

Cass, it's me.

Can I come in?

T.C.'s good with a Kn*fe, but he's not that good.

Cass, if they find out you're a vampire...

I know you're mad.

I'm not so happy myself.

It's just that...

You were right.

About Tulip.

About me playing God.

I know.

Truth is, Cass, you're my best friend.

I probably don't say that enough.

You've never said it.

- Sure I have.

- Never.

Come on, that's crazy.

I have a bad memory for that kind of stuff, but, I mean, I must've said that a bunch of times.

Not one time.

All right, I'm saying it now.

And I mean this.

You're my best friend.

All right, well, thank you.

Sorry it took me so long.

It's all right.

So, we're good?

Yeah.

Jesse, come on!

So, you gotta get out of here right now.

Trust me.

Jesus Christ, you'll just say anything to get me away from her, won't you?

What are you talking about?

It's not about her, it's about him.

It's about Jody, Gran'ma.

These people.

Yeah, your people.

Jesus Christ, Cassidy, you're still not listening.

You've seen the pictures, you know what they do here.

This is Angelville!

What, that's...

This is bullshit.

I'm a bloody vampire at Voodoo Disneyland.

I should be their main attraction, man...

Magic is one thing, monsters is something else.

"Monsters," is it?

Come on.

I didn't mean that.

What I meant was...

"Monsters"?

You're calling me a monster?

You're palling around with the fellow who k*lled your daddy.

I'm not palling around with anyone.

I will deal with Jody soon enough.

In the meantime, you have to go.

Listen to me.

I'm not leaving without Tulip, do you understand?

Jesse!

Come on!

If you're gonna stay, it's gonna hurt.

No.

No, don't.

Don't take them.

No, don't.

Everything okay?

He's not healing quite as fast as we thought.

Get out of here.

Come on, get.

What do you want?

Hey.

How's Cassidy?

Bit of a setback, but I got him sewed and fed and watered.

Yo, T.C.?

About your dingle.

I changed my mind.

Was I nervous?

sh*t, yes.

One hundred and eighty-five days sober.

First time alone with my boy since the judge lifted the restraining order.

I was not gonna mess this up.

I was gonna...

I was gonna make the best damn fourth-grade D-Day diorama ever.

And his mother, my ex, she let me have my boy the whole weekend.

We spent hours and a fortune at the hobby emporium.

Got it all.

Papier-mâché, paint, plywood, half-a-dozen scale models.

Amphibious landing craft, German half-track, GI jeep.

We watched the first couple of scenes of Saving Private Ryan a couple of times, and the plan was to construct all day Sunday.

I put my boy to bed around 9:00, and I figured one little whiff just to settle the nerves.

And I woke up on the floor, and my boy was standing over me with a look of disgust in his eyes.

"Where's the glue, Dad?" "Where's the god damn glue?" I'll tell you where it is, it's up my nose!

Take care.

You're not alone.

That took courage.

Though hearing your story really brought back my own demons.

You huff glue, Father?

Glue.

Wite-Out.

Dust-Off.

Anything I could get into my lungs.

So, the program has helped you?

Yes and no.

I don't think there are enough steps to get me clean.

Jesus Christ?

Like, "Pray the spray away." Sorry, no offence, Father, but I don't really believe all...

No.

An earthly power.

A world-renowned spiritist, diviner, mistress of the pyramids.

You mean Angelville?

No, that place closed years ago.

No, it's open again.

I was just out there.

Angelville is alive and well.

Holy sh*t.

The Tombs?

- No.

- Yes.

- Tell me the Tombs are open again?

- No.

Not the Tombs.

No, but if you're looking for a clean, sober spell, - then Madame L'Angelle is...

- Yeah, I need a good, clean, sober spell, I will...

I'll go see Madame Boyd like everyone else.

Thanks for nothing, Father.

No luck?

I'm out of practice.

We got more stops to make.

There's a Gamblers Anonymous meeting across from the riverboat casino.

Doesn't it bother you, driving me around?

Doing the same old sh*t for the same old lady?

After everything she's done to you.

And to my mom.

She shouldn't have run.

Help me get out of here, Jody.

Don't do it for me.

Do it for Christina.

One of these days, Jody.

But not today.

It's a bit draughty in here, so take that into account.

Well, draught or no draught, you've got a perfectly fine little dingle.

You...

You wanna touch it?

No.

Let's not wake him.

Yeah.

So, seems like you're pretty involved in all the ins and outs around here?

Matter of fact, Jesse mentioned something in passing the other day, and, well, I couldn't get my head around it.

But I said, that T.C.?

He's sharp.

I bet he could shed some light.

I can sure try.

What exactly is the deal with those squeezy napkin things?

Those are blood-debt compacts.

A compact.

Sort of like a contract?

Yeah.

It's a solemn exchange of promises between parties.

See, I knew you'd know something.

Oh, my gosh, it's so interesting.

I bet she's got hundreds of those napkins.

That's Miss Marie's business.

- Right.

Right.

- Yeah.

So, there's no way out of a compact?

Sure there is.

You pay off the debt.

Or you just get rid of the napkin, right?

I don't follow.

Well, my mama told me she got out of her second marriage by burning the paper-licence.

I see what you're thinking.

Slippery.

No.

No, T.C., I'm...

I'm just asking questions.

Yeah, the wrong kind.

Okay.

Well, I mean, you're the expert.

You set me straight.

Well, I don't know about that, but...

I could tell you a story.

I love a good story.

Yeah, you won't love this one.

It was quite a few years back.

Yeah, and this fellow, his wife had a blood compact with Miss Marie.

We need an audience with Madame L'Angelle.

No.

No, no, no.

You can't come barging in here.

Madame's busy.

Please.

He took to begging Miss Marie just to get it back.

To have the whole compact.

Miss Marie reminded him there's a price to be paid.

He was desperate.

He'd have gave Miss Marie just about anything for that old napkin.

You can well imagine the fellow was badly grateful when she finally let him have it.

And his wife, his wife was crying tears of joy and relief to finally get that napkin back in her hand.

Free from Miss Marie.

Or so she thought.

Take that, you horrible hag!

No.

No, but you...

You said that the guy paid off his wife's debt.

No, no, no.

That fellow, he paid a lot of money for an 89-cent cloth, but the debt, the debt is only paid when Miss Marie says it is.

Now, you let me show you my dingle, Miss Tulip, and I really like you, so here's a friendly warning.

I understand you wanna help little Jesse, but if you're thinking of messing with Miss Marie, don't.

Fair enough.

You know, I like you too, T.C.

In fact, maybe I will touch your dingle.

How do I break the curse?

Get Miss Marie to let him go!

And how do I do that?

- Do you know any magic?

Or Voodoo?

- No.

Then you can keep squeezing, 'cause there's nothing you can do.

There's never nothing you can do.

Every curse can be broken.

Yes?

I'm sorry to bother you.

Come in.

So, are you, like, a witch or something like that?

No.

No, I'm a healer.

Right.

So, if you're a healer, and you can bring people back from the dead, why are you still in a wheelchair, sh1tting into a bag?

I mean, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean any offence, like.

I'm just wondering, why haven't you healed yourself, that's all.

You know?

Well, I'm working on it.

Right.

Is that why you've come to see me, Irish?

Conversation?

No.

I'm not a bad guy.

No, of course not.

I mean, I've done some bad things, you know?

We all have.

Yeah.

Irish, how can I help you?

The love spell.

I'm not leaving without her.

No.

What are you doing up?

Where are you going?

- Getting something to eat.

- Where's Tulip?

Look at that.

The Irish smart-ass on the mend again.

Jesse.

Me and Jody hit all the old spots.

Riverboat casino, DMV, Piggly Wiggly check cash.

Seems like Madame Boyd's got this parish sewn up.

Well, it's gonna take time to undo all you did by running off.

I don't have any time.

I have stuff to do.

Plans of my own.

See, I don't give a rat's galette about your plans, only my own.

But since you're in such a rush, there's always the Tombs.

That's not gonna happen.

You're gonna do what you're told, or you'll go in the coffin.

Your friend came by.

Cassidy?

He's your friend, right?

What'd he want?

To talk.

He's Irish.

I guess that's what they do.

Aren't you a pretty young thing?

Come here.

That's a girl.

Don't be shy.

I knowed there was something curious about you.

T.C., listen to me.

Don't tell anyone, all right?

Jody!

Tulip, where the hell are you?

I told you to sit tight.

Little Jesse!

The hell's going on?

Did you know?

Did I know what?

That your friend's a vampire?

Of course not.

So you have no objections to us hanging him till the sun come up?

I told you it wasn't safe.

We got a few hours to k*ll before he burns.

I've got an idea.

Let's get the g*ns.

Have ourselves some target practice.

- Yeah, what do you say, boy?

- Yeah.

No.

We're not doing that.

I've got a better idea.

Some donors complain of fatigue accompanied by a mild headache.

Nothing a few aspirin won't fix.

But we're square now, right?

Yes, Mr Thibodeaux, your debt is paid.

And you'll hardly miss it.

Watch your step on the stairs.

Hello.

You're here to see Madame Boyd?

Sorry to keep you waiting, Miss...

Pomerantz.

Marnie.

Welcome, Miss Pomerantz.

What brings you in today?

I'm gonna cut to the chase, ma'am.

My boyfriend, Rich, he got himself stuck here by some stupid magic spell.

And well, he's stuck, so I'm stuck.

Any idea what kind of spell it was?

A bloody napkin-y one.

- A blood compact.

- That's the one.

Well, I tried dealing with the holder of this compact myself, but I was unsuccessful.

I need a workaround or something, and I was hoping that Madame Boyd could help me voodoo my way out of this situation.

Credit card or Apple Pay?

Cash work?

Cash be king.

Now, if you'll follow me.

Right this way, Miss Pomerantz.

Please take a seat.

So, this blood compact...

Yeah.

Should I start over?

So, I was telling your assistant, my boyfriend got himself into a tricky situation.

You didn't say how.

How did Jesse get into this situation?

Rich.

Richard.

My boyfriend's name...

Is Jesse L'Angelle.

There's no way out, sugar.

What's going on in there?

What's going on?

No, you don't.

Back in there.

You're Madame Boyd.

And you're Tulip O'Hare.

I've wanted to meet you for a long time.

How do you do?

Welcome.

Welcome back to the Tombs!

Wait up!

Don't forget the beav.

Welcome, you sick sons of b*tches!

Tonight, you will see two merciless monsters fight as if their very souls were on the line.

A paedophile science teacher versus a back-stabbing piece-of-sh*t vampire.

Rip his head off!

Fight!

Fight!

Fight!

Fight!

Fight!

Fight!

Fight!

Fight!

What you waiting on, kid?

Let's fight.