05x02 - Channouncements

[bunniefuu]

(SHOP BELL JINGLING) Morning, Mr. Kim.

What's this?

New look.

No.

I always found your facial hair a bit gauche, but it's coming back in style.

We can't both do like this.

Well, you've had a good run, let me take the reins for a while.

You have hair on your head.

Leave face for me.

Maybe we should let a neutral observer decide.

Janet, who wears it best?

What's happening?

Whose face look better with beard?

Sorry, this is just so weird.

Who's talking, right now?

Not funny.

I like it, Appa.

Be serious, Janet, who's more attractive?

- Ew.

- You can answer.

Don't want to.

We're just saying, if you were a woman and had to date one of us...

Ugh.

Take all the time you need!

I give you dollars to shave.

Done.

Oh, this thing is so itchy!

Alright, you have a lovely day.

Bye!

Oh, Pastor Nina!

Oh, Mrs. Kim!

Great service, right?

Yeah, especially announcement with loud TV lady.

I know!

Beverly Chan!

Can you believe our luck?

The co-host of Wake Up Toronto in the house! ...of God.

Wow, you seem so excited.

You must be very close.

Well, not quite BFFs.

Ah!

Ready to go, Neener?

B-Chan!

Oh, this is Mrs.

Kim.

We were just talking about how great your announcements were today.

Oh, my goodness, stop it!

Okay.

PASTOR NINA: Oh, do the thing again!

This is Beverly Chan, and these are your weekly Chan-nouncements!

(GIGGLING EXCITEDLY)

Ahh!

It's so good.

Yeah, announcement, Chan-nouncement.

So clever.

We're gonna be late.

Oh, yeah, we should get going.

Was there anything else?

No, just question but...

Mimosas are calling!

Oh, I'm coming!

She's so demanding.

Isn't she the best?

(LAUGHING)

It's so good!

When you...

Yeah, the best.

(GROANING)

Wow, it's like Garage of the Dead in here.

Yeah well, we have to keep the door open because of the fumes, which cancels out the A/C.

We tried putting ice cubes in our mouths, but it was hard to talk.

You can't work like this.

Margarita time!

No, I meant I'll get you some fans and why don't you just wear shorts?

Uh, because we're not allowed, and I believe that's called entrapment.

I know there's a dress code but these are extreme circumstances And I'm making an executive decision.

Thank you!

Are you crazy?

We can't wear shorts.

I mean, we're surrounded by chemicals.

Haven't you seen the safety videos?

You don't have to wear them.

It's just an option.

Yeah, so is pineapple on pizza, but we're not monsters.

I've made my decision.

Yep!

We're livin' the dream now.

So, I used to put "old is cold" in the front and "new out of view" at the back.

But then, some smart customer know and reach all the way back and take a new one.

Now, I put "new out of view" in the middle.

Boom, mic drop.

You get that?

Hmm?

Sorry?

Read to me what you write so far.

Oh, no, I wasn't taking notes.

Then, what you writing?

It's my journal.

You what?

It's like a diary.

Writing about my day, my thoughts.

It's something I started in Tanzania.

Helps me work through things and relax.

You not looked relax.

Because I'm trying to write.

Oh yeah, you can tell to me and save paper!

Some things are better written than said.

Oh, like you postcard, heh-heh!

JANET: Yeah, yeah, sure.

Kilimanjaro is my favourite.

So much fun to say.

Kilimanjaro...

Kilimanjaro!

Appa, can you please?!

Yeah, I can please!

Can you please?

Hey, Terence.

I just want to make sure you're good.

You seemed a little bit worked up about the shorts earlier.

Oh, uh, that.

Look, I'm sorry I overreacted and called you all those names.

What names?

It's just, I don't like shorts.

I have a stupid birthmark above my knee.

I was teased as a kid so I'm not crazy about reliving it.

- Can I tell you a story?

- I'm not on break.

When I was in middle school, I wanted highlights so badly but they were expensive so my mom did them.

They looked awful.

Ugh, I bet.

Like a Bengal tiger.

The kids were ruthless.

They called me Stripe Head, Mouldy Locks, Hair Club for Losers.

(CHUCKLING)

I do feel better.

No, that's...

The point is the next week, Shelby Gladstone got a terrible perm and everybody moved on.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Make smart hair choices.

Got it!

I'm saying whatever you decide to do, you're among friends.

Oh.

Yeah, that's not really what the story said.

UMMA ON VIDEO: So, announcement number eight. The carolling is moved to Thursday! Is that you?

Yeah, doing church announcement before Beverly Chan show up.

Wake Up Canada's Beverly Chan goes to our church?

It's Wake Up Toronto, Janet.

Oh, my God, I wanna meet her!

Or not.

Announcement number .

Oh! There is a surprise guest hosting fundraiser this year. It's me.

Surprise! Isn't this kinda like when they replaced your bindae-tteok breakfast with Timbits?

We not talking about breakfast, we're talking about church announcements.

Right.

You know what, though?

I bet if Beverly Chan was a Timbit, she'd be the pink kind no one wants.

All flash, no flavour.

You know, I think maybe lots of other people think she is not so good, too.

That's not quite...

Oh, look!

My big finish.

Why is everyone leaving?

Now we miss.

Have to go back.

♪ (SIGHING)

Oh!

(CLEARING THROAT)

(SHOP BELL JINGLING)

Janet...

GERALD: What are you doing?

Oh!

Yeah, just cleaning up.

Janet leave bag on counter and it fall and make a big mess, so I...

You're reading her journal?

No, I just pick up.

That's kind of a violation of privacy, Mr. Kim.

You violation of privacy!

You sneak up and violate my private moment.

That's not the same thing.

It's more than same!

Yeah, Gerald.

If it's a secret, then yeah, it's a bad thing.

But Janet write a nice thing about me, so it's okay!

What do you mean, nice thing?

Well, it say here...

Oh, please don't.

"I miss Appa's big forearms that always made me feel safe as a kid." See?

But those are her private thoughts!

If she wants you to know them, she'll tell you.

And that's you private thought, and I don't want to know so you put in your you journal!

Oh, I will.

You have a journal?

Dozens.

(KNOCKING)

Knock-knock!

Mrs. Kim, what a nice surprise!

Can I get you a coffee, tea, biscuit, power bar, tea, coffee?

No more caffeine for me is the answer there!

Just bringing comment box.

Oh, thank you.

And have one small question about the church announcement.

You mean "Chan-nouncements".

You tell me two months ago announcement is cancelled, because all information is on the church website.

Right.

Well, uh, the thing is, Bev has a way with words.

And announcing them.

It's a gift, really.

Maybe gift nobody want.

What do you mean?

I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but I have bad news I am bringing.

Oh.

"Beverly stinks." "Beverly is all flash, no flavour." "What's Beverly Chan's problem?

Thinks she's cool." "She's not that cool." Huh.

So many bad review.

But everyone I've spoken to only has said good things about her.

What else they gonna say to you?

You all of a sudden BFF with Bev.

This comment box has misled us before.

Remember the church breakfast fiasco?

Everyone wrote in saying they were so excited for it, and then, no one showed up.

Some people show up.

I had leftover mung bean pancakes in my fridge for weeks.

You don't like mung bean pancake, but lots of people do.

This is reverse.

You love Bev Chan, and lots of people don't.

I guess we all have our blind spots, don't we?

- Yeah.

- Well, I will look into this.

Thank you.

Please do for sake of church.

"Beverly Chan is a pink Timbit." Is this a good or bad one?

Oh, it's very bad.

JANET: Please tell me I left my bag.

Thank God!

I thought I lost it.

Nothing to worry about, you bag is always safe with me.

(CHUCKLING, STRETCHING)

Thanks.

Yeah, I always here to protect you...

and you bag.

I just telling you how I feeling.

And if you feeling something too, you can say to me, anytime.

I'm good.

"Janet is good." Thank you for telling me how you feel.

What is that?

Oh, sorry, I just write something in my journal.

Want to see?

No, 'cause journals are private.

I only write nice thing about people.

Still private.

But then, how people know I write nice thing about?

You could just tell them.

Yeah, I think that, too, but for some reason, I don't tell them and need to write down.

Sounds like you've got a lot to work out in your journal, Appa.

CHELSEA: Hey, Jans!

Mr. Kim.

Chelsea, Gerald.

- Ready?

- Yup.

Where you going?

You just come.

Going to lunch.

Gerald's never had a sushi burrito.

I've had one, I just didn't like it.

Mmm, then, you haven't had one.

Why you not tell to me?

Didn't know I had to.

Don't have to, just might be nice.

It's like he's getting weirder.

Really?

Seems like classic Mr. Kim behaviour to me.

Or maybe it's because he read...

Chels!

Because he read what?

Oops!

Nothing.

She oops-ed about something else.

Sushi burritos await!

Sushitos, here we come!

That makes them sound even less appetizing.

They're delicious.

So, don't throw them up this time.

(DOOR OPENING)

k*ller shorts, Stacie.

What, these old things?

I finally get to show off my sock game.

Glad to see the new policy's a hit!

Oh, so much cooler.

Your legs or your boss?

My legs.

Yeah, though, have you seen Terence?

No.

Why?

You didn't say anything about his birthmark, did you?

What birthmark?

Please don't say anything, you guys.

Okay, fine, but it's kinda hard to work and not say something.

It's called compassion.

He was probably nervous to come in here today, but to me, he's the bravest one here.

♪ I touch my body Oh, my God.

Hey!

Fit pretty good, right?

I didn't have any shorts, so I grabbed these from an old Pinocchio costume my mom made.

Can you believe I'm the same size I was in Grade ?

You were Pinocchio in Grade ?

And guess what?

No one's made fun of my birthmark.

I don't even...

Oh, I've noticed a few glances down there, but I'm glad I took your advice.

Not gonna let the haters bring me down!

Hey.

Whoa, okay.

This is going to be a lot of paperwork!

I've seen Jung wear some pretty tight shirts.

Not the same!

But Terence is so happy.

Isn't that worth everybody else being a little uncomfortable?

Underbutt, Shannon, and I don't even want to talk about the front.

You wanted to see me?

I am... uh, I do.

And don't mind Kimchee, he's here on under...

unrelated business.

Think of me as a witness.

Okay.

Maybe leave it open... for the breeze.

And the record.

Is this about the car wash?

I'm sorry, that hose really got away from me.

Then, I had to crawl on top of the hood to get the sponge back...

Your shorts are too tight!

And they're too short, and, uh, too tight.

What?

I mean, we think it might be more comfortable for you to wear a longer, roomier pair.

Much roomier, like biking shorts.

Did someone say something?

Did a customer complain?

No, this is proactive.

We're just trying to contain the situation.

Why don't we say what this is really about... my birthmark!

- No, it's not.

- What birthmark?

Well, I'm sorry, but this is the real Terence.

And you're gonna have to deal with it, warts and all.

Why would you say it like that?

Tuesday, I think it was, we were...

Oh, sorry.

You say we meet at : ?

I did.

Please come in.

UMMA: Okay...

So, I would like to address something that has come to my attention.

Bev?

Neeners?

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

First, let me say we think the world of you.

Thanks!

It has been such a great experience coming back to church.

But, um, some people...

not us...

aren't liking the way you did the announcements.

Yeah, I know, so surprised!

Really?

I thought it was going well.

Did they say why?

Yeah, well...

most people like them.

It's no use in sugar-coating it, Mrs. Kim.

Oh, um...

"So bad?" "Thinks she's so cool?" "Beverly Chan?

More like Beverly Chan-not?" Well, there is two nice one in there.

I was just trying to help.

I thought it was a sign from God, finding a place for me to fit in, but now I just...

(CRYING)

Oh, no!

Beverly Chan, you should be proud.

Don't listen to these mean people.

But, Mrs. Kim...

Pastor Nina, all of this is same marker, same writing style.

I think there is just one person who is... jealous of Chan-nouncement.

God give to you talent, use it.

Thank you, Mrs. Kim!

They are eerily similar.

Why do they all smell like mung beans?

(BEVERLY CRYING)

(SHOP BELL JINGLING)

You late.

I'm feeling a little sick.

I'll be right back.

Those sushitos really are gross!

Take you time!

(BELL JINGLING)

Every time I enter your store lately, Mr. Kim, you're always stocking chips.

Well, they selling like hotcake.

You know what you should sell?

BOTH: Hotcakes!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, I used to have one of these.

Bought it to record all my travels but I never went anywhere.

Whose is it?

I don't know.

Maybe customer.

I'm sure they'll be back for it.

Well, might be important.

Think we should look inside?

See if there's a phone number?

Worst thing is not have something return to you.

Good point.

Who is?

Oh, it's a journal.

Oh.

What it say?

Talks about a trip, an ear infection, missing their dad, aww!

(CHUCKLING)

Turn to last page, maybe we can figure out who it belong to.

More about the dad here, too.

She must really love her daddy!

Uh, whoever she is.

Oh wait.

"I don't know who the daddy is." She got knocked up.

What you talking?

Want me to cover for you?

You is pregnant?

Where'd you hear that?

Who care where I hear from?

You is pregnant, yes or no?

Depends.

If God told you I was pregnant, then maybe I am.

But if, say, you read it somewhere, that would be different.

So, you is not pregnant?

So, you read my journal?

Gerald tell you this?

(SIGHING)

I can't believe you read it.

Okay, but it's not my fault, huh?

You bag fall off counter and journal just spread out.

I go to pick up, have to see where is journal and some word coming into my eyes!

And just now?

Actually just now, Mr. Chin read to me.

You let Mr. Chin read my journal?!

Okay, that's my fault, but you know what's you fault?

Ever since you come back from trip, you just so busy you don't talk to me.

I don't know what's happening in you life.

At least when you was in Africa, you send postcard but now, you just so busy, all you do is write in journal.

Tell to journal!

Are you jealous of my journal?

Why you can't find time to talk to me?

We're talking now.

Yeah, and such a wonderful time we having.

You still shouldn't have read it.

There's stuff in there you wouldn't be interested in anyway.

Like what?

Okay, when I was on the plane coming back from Tanzania...

Yeah?

It just happened to be the second day of my period...

Okay, I don't read you journal anymore!

Good.

I have to check my schedule, but maybe we can do something sometime.

Hmm, have to check my schedule too, but should be okay.

I missed you.

I missed you too, Appa.

I know, I read all about in you journal.

Ow!

(LAUGHING)

Mr Kim, there is no price on this and there's a line of demanding customers out here.

Oh, hi, Janet.

Congratulations, I read the good news.

(PHOTOCOPIER BEEPING)

Fun time's over!

When did it start?

Corporate found out about our casual shorts and sent us uniforms.

Bastards.

I know, and if you guys want to fight it, I will back you %.

How'd they find out?

Exactly.

It just makes me so mad.

Well, they don't look so bad.

I like the belt loop.

Free shorts!

Nice one.

I still got a few tricks in the t*nk.

Why are these on your Bay card?

For the Bay points, obviously!

Nice.

Stickin' it to the man.

Thank you.

PASTOR: That was quite the act of grace back there, Mrs. Kim.

It's nothing.

Now, you and your new best friend can continue.

I hope you know how much I value each member of this church.

If anything, it's the congregants who've been here the longest that I treasure most.

Like me?

Yeah.

And Mrs. Song, and Mrs. Lee...

And me!

And, like Bev, we all have our special talents.

So, maybe you shouldn't be in charge of the comment box anymore.

Yeah, okay.

And instead, maybe you could...

UMMA ON VIDEO: Big news!

(RECITING WITH VIDEO): We are bringing back church breakfast!

But it's brunch, so, maybe change name next time.

But it's not next week, it's this week, in Fellowship Room at the church.

APPA: Ah, why you keep watching you announcement over and over?

(RECITING): "Over to you, Beverly Chan." You're making Bindae-tteok?

Yeah.

I think people are gonna expect a different pancake for brunch.

(SNICKERING)

What you writing?

Nothing, just something private in my journal.

No, it's not private.

You're writing about me.

- It's still private, Umma.

- Show me what you write.

No, it's my journal for my eyes.

Oh, you!

Yobo, that's private!

Don't read!

Hey, boss, lovin' the shorts.

I feel like I work at Canada's Wonderland.

I worked at Wonderland.

It didn't feel like this.

That's my job.

Make employees comfortable in the workplace.

You have other duties, too, right?

(GIGGLING)

Yes.

I got to hand it to you.

It was a cowardly move, but effective.

Hey, guys, lovin' these new shorts.

My mom hemmed them last night.

Baggy shorts are a safety time b*mb.

Tick-tick!

Plan B: crank the A/C.

How low?

I want ice on the windows.