03x02 - Sonsabitches

[bunniefuu]

Thanks for meeting me.

What can I do for you?

There's this girl.

Well, not a girl.

She's a junior in high school.

She won't leave me alone.

And you know how it is.

You let 'em give you one handjob, and they think they're in love.

Seriously?

I'm on the vice principal track.

Women are into that kind of power.

But now, it's like she's obsessed or something.

Last weekend, she followed me and my wife to the big-box store.

Ran her cart right into ours.

If this gets out, my vice principal dreams are done.

So, can you make her go away?

Not, like, k*ll her or anything, just erase her mind, or make her a lesbian or something.

Madame L'Angelle is a world-renowned spiritist, diviner and mistress of the pyramids.

She's got spells to fix everything.

But she's expensive.

Look, I know the Boyds are cheaper, but everyone says Madame L'Angelle's the best.

I'll pay what it takes.

Okay.

But it'd be real bad if you missed a payment.

What's she gonna do?

Pull out my fingernails?

I'm guessing it's something worse.

You know, maybe you're right.

I should just come clean to Jeannie.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

She leaves you, right?

Might not be so bad.

Except the girl's still around.

She'll probably wanna marry you now that you're single.

But she'd need to ask her parents' permission, 'cause she's a minor.

And having sex with a minor's illegal.

That means prison.

And that would definitely take you off the vice principal track.

But like you said, what's the worst-case scenario?

You know what?

I'll just make those payments.

Hey, Deanna.

You see that?

She barely looked at me.

It's almost like she started seeing me as ugly.

I'm glad it worked out.

You got the money?

- This looks short.

- Just a few bucks.

Not a big deal.

I'll make it up next week.

It is a big deal.

I told you, you can't miss a payment.

Don't worry, I'll make it up.

I like my fingernails.

School's out.

Giddy up.

I told you not to miss a payment.

I'll make it up.

You gotta believe me, I'll pay extra.

You got Madame L'Angelle's help, and now you gotta pay what you owe.

I'm good for it, please.

I'm just a science teacher.

You should've thought of that before you messed around with little girls.

She's not a little girl!

She's a junior and she fricking begged me.

Shut up.

Is this gonna hurt?

You're damn right it's gonna hurt.

A yak will give up his milk freely.

But a cat, a cat will fight you right to the end.

Scratching.

Hissing.

Something to think about.

I guess she's gonna pull out his fingernails now?

"Fingernails"?

You don't pay what you owe, Miss Marie'll pull out your god damn soul.

Girl's gotta eat.

Time to go.

Leave him.

It's about time the boy learned.

How do you think she stays so young?

We have an appointment.

Consommé really hits the spot, doesn't it?

I've had three bloody bowls of it myself, fat pig.

Come here.

So, you don't remember anything?

I was with my family.

But then...

That' all right, you'll remember it.

It'll come back to you.

All of a sudden, like, when you least expect it.

Do you know, I knew this Scotsman, right?

And he told me he'd come back from beyond the grave.

Claims to have seen this city, full of, like, bloody trolleys and restaurants, laundromats, shite like that, like a teeming metropolis.

All ran by talking deer.

Was it anything like that?

- Still smoking cr*ck?

- I wish, I've run out.

So, no, like, bright white lights?

No men playing harps?

None of that?

There was something else.

At the end...

- Hey.

- Hey.

How are you feeling?

Better than you look.

What happened to your face?

You might've missed a couple of fights while you were out.

Yeah.

You got the worst of everyone, didn't you?

Seriously, how you feeling?

Nothing a hot shower won't fix.

What was it like?

I've already asked her, she doesn't remember.

- Nothing?

- No harps.

No talking deer.

Cass reckons it'll come back eventually.

Well, I'm glad you came back.

Yeah.

Me too.

'Til the end of the world, right?

'Til the end of the world.

You gonna tell him what happened?

It was your friends who k*lled Tulip.

The lads in the white suits, Jess.

- The Grail?

- Yeah, your be-our-Messiah friends.

They're not my friends...

Whatever they are, Tulip caught on to them.

That girl in there.

What's her name now?

- Jenny.

- That's it.

That mom-hair lying bitch.

- Who's Jenny?

- Bloody Jenny, the neighbour lady.

It's true, Jesse.

They were screwing with us this whole time.

Right, so, what are we waiting for?

Let's go and get those dickheads right now.

What?

You don't want to get your friends who k*lled Tulip?

Stop calling them my friends.

I just need a minute to work things out here, all right?

Besides, you need to get some rest.

You look all right to me.

I'm ready to go right now...

- I said, I need a minute.

- But I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to Tulip.

Hey!

What is up with you guys?

- Nothing.

- Nothing.

We were just worried about you, that's all.

Yeah, well, thanks, Dads.

But I'm okay.

When I smash my fist into that mom-haired bitch's face, I'm gonna be really okay.

But first, Gran'ma.

Me just up and leaving again, she's gonna need some convincing.

Stop!

sh*t.

I'm calling for Herr Starr.

Yeah, I'll leave a message.

Tell him, his Messiah's ready and tell him to bring my soul.

Welcome, brothers, and sisters, and gender-neutral relatives.

Krishna welcomes all with open arms, and warm embraces.

Together we clap hands for Krishna.

- Oh, no!

- It's the Grail!

Protect the Swami!

Swami.

Herr Starr.

Right.

Goddammit!

Man, that hurt my nuts!

Hold that thought.

This is Starr.

God damn, it hurts!

Jesse Custer?

That was faster than I anticipated.

I'm on my way.

Last chance, hippie.

Will you take Humperdoo as your one true leader and join us?

Eat sh*t, you fascist pig.

Profanity?

In a house of worship?

No wonder God left.

Jesus.

Where's Tulip?

She's upstairs, showering off her b*llet wound.

So, she's okay?

Yeah, she's all right.

I'm sorry things ended up so...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for everything.

- Meaning?

- Meaning it's time to go.

T.C. can give you a ride to the bus stop.

All right, here's the thing.

See, I'm not leaving anywhere without Tulip, do you understand that?

Meaning?

Meaning...

Jesse?

You having one of those days?

Shut up, will you?

Fair enough.

Hey.

You like backgammon?

No.

How about gummy bears?

No.

I only eat the red ones.

I eat the green ones, too, they're good.

You like dr*gs?

How's she feeling?

She's fine.

Thank you.

I told you, I don't give a tick's sh*t about her.

Though, she is pretty.

And young.

It's hard to fight the chill these days.

It'd be best if the Boyds don't know you're home yet.

Understand?

Yeah.

We got a lot of work to do.

Maybe even, in time, get the Tombs up and running again.

Well, now, why not?

Once you start bringing the customers around...

You been gone a long time, Jesse, and that's a lot of souls you owe me.

Or you could just say, "It's been great to see you, Jesse." "I'm glad I could help your friend.

Spell broken, be on your merry way?" Why would I ever say that?

You never know what a person will say, 'til you ask 'em right.

I was sh**ting at those.

So was I.

You Jesse's dead lady friend?

I'm alive, and I'm not anybody's lady anything.

My name is Tulip.

I'm Jody.

So, what was it like?

Why's everyone keep asking me that?

You d*ed, and then you came back.

What else is there to ask about?

Yeah, well, I don't remember.

Nothing?

No bright lights or angels singing?

Guess not.

You like g*ns?

I like g*ns that take more skill than blowing away other people's beer cans.

Like, this one, for instance?

M4ISR CQBSS scope, thousand-yard range.

You got one can left.

Screw the can.

I'm going hunting.

Get off me.

It's good to be alive!

So, there I am, right.

And I'm just naked as the day I was born.

And I'm surrounded by all these little leprechauns, then I wake up...

I love dreams.

- All right.

- I had a dream about Lucy Liu.

I love her.

Yes.

It's a lazy summer day, and we was at a church social, and I come across her, she's sitting by herself.

She'd slipped away unnoticed, and she was worried about her favourite aunt who had complications with diabetes, and the doctors really wanted to cut off her feet.

Next thing I know, we are splayed over a tree stump.

My goodness.

And we were rutting, we were rutting, rutting.

She's screaming, screaming.

Right.

She's screaming?

Stop!

Clawing at my face and I'm screaming, too.

And this whole time, I catch this look on her face.

And it says, "I don't necessarily" "hate you." What?

Jesus.

T.C., please tell me you're the worst person here.

Definitely not.

Hey, you seen Tulip?

Stop.

Tulip, stop!

This is the bitch that k*lled me.

The jazz singer.

Did you tell Starr?

Does he know Tulip's alive?

I answer to no one without my superior's permission.

Does he know?

sh*t.

Well, who are these people?

They're the ones that sh*t Tulip.

We're gonna take 'em out to the swamp, put a b*llet in their brains, right?

Hell, yeah.

Good.

Take Jody with you.

I don't want my mother to find me like this.

Don't worry, no one's gonna find you.

"Put a b*llet in his brain.

Then he's dead.

Then we go home." That's the idea.

No, I'm doing Miller's Crossing there, with the accent and that.

You know the bit where Gabriel Byrne takes John Turturro through the woods?

God, it's a brilliant film, it's brilliant.

It's hard to believe that the same two geniuses who made the Miller's Crossing film are the same two idiots that made The Big Lebowski film.

- No!

No.

Cassy, we are...

- Tulip.

No.

I'm not doing it again.

It's not possible, it's not possible it was made by the same two people.

Unless they were struck by lightning in between, or something like that.

You know, the Coen brothers...

You know, I knew the whole time something wasn't right about you.

Right, that's why you begged me to hang out and play video games.

I never beg, and you sucked.

I sucked on purpose.

Yeah, well, knew that, too.

I could fill a book with all the things you don't know but you'd be too stupid to read it.

How much more in the middle of nowhere we gotta get before we put a b*llet in their brains?

Let's do it here.

We could.

But after everything they did, you wanna let 'em off with just a b*llet?

What else you got in mind?

You still got that organ grinder?

Most times, we use it for making the sausages.

Nice thing about it is, it'll take on any kind of meat you like.

I had a raccoon jump out half ground one time.

An angry co*n, half-ground legs, his innards all out.

Now, that's a scream you don't forget.

Onward, Christian soldiers.

Marching as to w*r.

With the cross of Jesus I think I'm gonna be..

Gotta be sure to clear the juicer.

What do you do with that?

Use it for chum to bring in the gators.

Swamp consommé.

That's the consommé you gave me?

Yeah, but I heated it up.

That sanitises things, I think.

You're the one who's always saying you like hot dogs.

- Hey, where'd the other one go?

- What?

Where's the other one gone?

Go find him!

Jody, you go that way.

You'll never catch him.

He's an elite operative with evasion training.

You have no idea the skills he's mastered.

Shut up, I untied him and let him go.

I need you to give Starr a message.

I don't want him thinking I'm mad at him for trying to k*ll Tulip.

So, you're gonna prove it to him by saving our lives?

I would slit both your throats if I could.

But I need you to tell Starr, nothing has changed.

His Messiah still needs him here.

That'll get you into town.

Jesse Custer, what the hell did you just do?

Let's check your colostomy bag.

They escaped?

Both of them?

Serotonin's up.

But you need more protein, I'll whip up some consommé.

What do you think?

I think the kid's up to something.

Doesn't matter if he is, he's mine.

Gran'ma's never gonna let me go, Tulip.

I need Genesis back if I'm gonna b*at her, which means I need my soul back.

But Starr's never gonna bring it back unless he thinks I'm still with him.

I was gonna tell you all this, but everything just happened so, so fast, and Jody was there...

Look, I just need them to trust me.

Once I have my power back...

Then we go k*ll 'em, right?

We k*ll 'em all.

Gran'ma, Jody, The Grail.

As soon as I get my soul back from Starr, I'll k*ll him there and then.

But I need your help.

What do you think?

I think it sounds like another plan.

But sure, let's go and k*ll some people.

Get down!

Oh, man.

I haven't made a toy car b*mb since I was a kid.

One of my foster dads, he was into expl*sives and freebasing.

I can't remember which one of 'em b*rned his eyebrows off.

You know, we could just keep driving, right?

- What?

- Yeah.

We're in the middle of a job, Cass.

It's Jesse's job.

It's our job.

We keep T.C. and Jody busy, Jesse meets Starr, does his thing, and then we open up an ass-kicking clinic.

And what happens after Jesse gets his almighty power back?

He goes right back to being the bloody Messiah again?

He said he wasn't doing that any more.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't blame you for questioning it.

After everything that's happened like.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I've just...

I've gotten a little leery of listening to what Jesse bloody Custer has to say all the time, you know what I mean?

What is up with you guys?

Nothing.

You heard him, Cass.

He gave up his soul for us.

He saved us from the Saint, remember?

So, whatever it is, you get over it, okay?

We're doing this together.

I loved your mama.

Sure had a funny way of showing it.

No, I loved her.

Family's everything.

You stay here long enough, and you're gonna remember that.

I've been here more than long enough, I remember.

Sounds like Boyds.

They must've found out you were back.

Bound to find out sooner or later.

Go help Jody and T.C. get rid of 'em.

- What about you?

- I'll be fine.

That one there, that's cool, I'll have that...

All right, or you could have it.

You know, I'm easy, whatever.

What's with the hat?

I got skin cancer, the worst kind, melatonin.

Yeah, runs in the family, man.

Go ahead, I doubt you'll need it.

Boyds' most likely just blowing off steam.

Well, it's better to have it.

You know what I mean?

Just in case kind of deal.

Testing, testing.

Madame Boyd's got a message for Jesse L'Angelle.

Incoming.

What the hell is that?

That's a goat.

It's a Pygmy male, about six years of age, nearly deceased.

Why the hell they sh**ting goats at us?

Voodoo telegram.

It's the Boyd way of saying they want Jesse dead.

What'd Jesse do to 'em?

- m*rder.

- Sex.

Well, which one is it?

Why don't you go ask 'em yourself?

Too late.

They're driving away.

Whoops.

God damn it!

Turn around.

I got your message.

- Give it to me.

- In a moment.

But first, partnerships require communication.

Would you like to talk about what happened between us?

Share your feelings?

No.

Really?

Your lady friend sh*t down by one of my idiotic subordinates?

If you were to be, say, murderously angry towards me, it would be understandable.

She's alive, that's all that matters.

Besides, there's more important things at stake.

Things you'll need your little piece of soul to accomplish.

That's right.

How do you feel, Messiah?

I told you before not to call me that, Klaus.

Whatever you like.

You wanna know what I'd like, Klaus?

Bated breath, my Lord, tell me.

I'd like you to get on your knees.

Kiss the ring.

Anything else, my liege?

Eat your d*ck!

If only.

Eat your d*ck.

It was a genetically-modified placebo, it won't work.

Now that you've got that predictable spasm of juvenilia out of your system, let's talk.

Bollocks!

Oh, no.

You keep breathing and thinking happy thoughts.

I'm right here.

I'm not going anywhere.

They're on the run, let's go.

Well, don't...

Don't leave me down here in the dirt!

Jeez, Cass, you sure you never ate some kind of giant b*llet magnet?

I suppose anything's possible, love.

Least they don't k*ll me, unlike you.

Yeah, funny.

Rub it in.

No, I mean it, I mean it, watching you die like that...

I mean the smell alone was just bloody unbearable, you know what I mean?

I did not smell.

Like an animal been laying out there on the road for a couple of days, except worse, swear to God.

I love you, Cass.

You got blood bags in your room?

Maybe.

Just have a check and see how Jesse's doing while you're in there, will you?

I'll just lie down here in searing pain.

- All right.

- All right.

I think I've wee'd a bit.

I reread your file on the plane from India.

Coming back here?

To these mud-speckled troglodytes?

You must be desperate.

When you assholes sh*t my girlfriend, I didn't have much choice.

Let me make it up to you.

I just need you to be the Messiah.

You already said it's what you wanted, what's changed?

God is still missing.

The moron is still scheduled to take over.

So, do you want to k*ll me?

Or do you want to get your power back and get out of this sh*t hole?

And my real soul is?

Waiting in the car.

So, what do you say, Messiah?

Shall we take a short walk, and save the world?

I'm counting on you to get those sons of b*tches.

There you are.

We chased them Boyds all the way back to that roach motel.

How did Jesse handle himself?

Little Jesse?

I thought he was with you.

I'm happy we could work things out.

My superior is pushing me to roll out Humperdoo.

I can only keep him in the dark for so long.

You have a boss?

No, I have an All-Father.

Did you think I was plotting a top-secret coup against my secretary?

Prepare to give the Messiah his soul.

Just a precaution, you understand.

Sons of b*tches.

No!

Tulip, not now!

Not til I get my soul!

Was that your plan?

We really need to work on our trust issues.

Give me that, you son of a...

Give me that!

Jesse!

Jesse?

Jesse?

What's happening?

Gran'ma.

How'd it go?

This is going to make things much more difficult.

What do you intend to do, sir?

I intend to give Jesse Custer time to marinate, in his own little hell.

So that didn't work out.

I'm sorry, I thought...

- Why can't I do one right thing?

- "One right thing?" It's okay, better get these to the swamp.

Least the gators'll be happy.

How's your throat?

I can have T.C. boil some tea.

I am gonna get out of here, you know?

I know you're gonna try.

Meantime, come give us a kiss.

Now get to work.

I gotta fix this, Cass.

It's not your fault.

It is.

I was wrong, I screwed up.

Look, look, you're the one who's always saying that Jesse has a dark side, right?

I mean, look at this place, look at these people.

This is where he comes from, you know what I mean?

No, no, he's not like that.

Help me.

I can't.

I'm sorry.