02x10 - Dirty Little Secret

[bunniefuu]

Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus!

I'm really, really close.

Oh, God.

Oh, it's so hot.

Could you just stick your finger in my...

Oh, like this?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Don't stop.

D-D-Don't s-sto...

Shh!

Did you hear that noise... outside?

You're so jumpy.

I told you my husband's not gonna be back till Sunday.

♪ Every night ♪ Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

♪ Is a special night ♪

♪ When I'm with you, girl ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪ Oh, my God!

♪ In your arms so, so tight ♪ Jesus!

Oh, my...

Ohh!

Oh.

Oh, m-m-my...

God!

♪ And I don't mind ♪
Oh!

♪ The hustle and the bustle and the ride ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all worth it ♪

♪♪ ♪ Because of you ♪

You know I never really do this.

Me, neither.

Come on.

For real.

You're the only one.

Like, ever?

That's crazy.

You could have had any girl you wanted.

I wanted you.

I wanted you, too...

since the first moment I saw you in the market hanging out with your friends.

I knew you were special.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ What kind of trees are those?

Olive.

♪♪ It's like I never saw them before.

♪♪ I gotta go.

You won't stay for supper?

I already ate.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, no, it's...

It's not like that.

I just...

I have to do something...

for my dad.

In the middle of the night?

I made him a promise.

♪♪ Tonight meant a lot to me.

And no matter what happens, I want you to remember one thing.

I love you.

What?

Y-You...

And also...

you can never, ever tell anyone about this.

Cool?

Cool.

♪♪ Cool.

Jesus!

Jesus, are you in there?!

Stay right there.

What's up, guys?

Where the hell have you been?

We've been worried sick.

You said you were going to the garden to pray.

Yeah.

I was in the garden.

You guys were passed out, so I came here...

to bless this ailing woman.

The Chief Priests are on the warpath.

We gotta move.

- Chill, bro.

- No, I will not chill.

They wanna k*ll you, man.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

The hell does that even mean, man?

You'll understand... someday.

Come on.

Judas is meeting us at midnight with the getaway donkeys.

It's been real.

♪♪ Don't worry, my dear.

Your secret is safe with me.

♪♪ ♪♪ *PREACHER* Season 02 Episode 10 Title: "Dirty Little Secret" ♪♪ ♪♪ Yes.

I am the man who ordered the hit on your little band of ne'er-do-wells.

But circumstances intervened, and I changed my mind.

I'm not here to k*ll you.

You have questions.

I have answers.

♪♪ Muzak Plays In Background...

♪♪ These portfolios contain classified information on the worldwide conglomerate known as The Grail.

Yes, we hold monopolies in 113 countries.

But we also have a hand in agencies of a more divine authority.

Are you blind, boy?

Uh, no.

Would you like to be?

♪♪ Where were we?

You were implying that your organization works with Heaven.

Hand in glove for two millennia.

Then you can tell me...

Where is God?

Good question.

"No idea" is the short answer.

That's...

the long answer, as well.

What I do know is, you won't find Him alone.

I have resources.

I can help.

So, if you'll take a look here at some of our holdings...

♪♪ I said...

Where's God?

I don't know.

Your power is...

inspiring.

Then tell me why I shouldn't inspire it to ram this down your throat!

Because, Preacher Custer, you need me.

Pie charts.

Spreadsheets.

What do you have that I need?

Did you know that God was last seen here, in New Orleans?

Yes.

I had that feeling.

We knew for a fact.

We were alerted the moment He went missing, came straightaway, implemented a cover-up.

The tape.

You hired Mark Harelik.

You were the ones that k*lled him.

I am offering you access to our power.

Information.

Reach.

Tell me you're not intrigued.

♪♪ On second thought, you're not really a three-ring-binder kind of man.

Are you?

♪♪ Yes?

Durando?

Let them know we're coming in.

Let's go.

♪♪ I'm not wearing that.

Then I'm afraid the journey ends here.

♪♪ You see?

We don't trust you, either.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Damn it.

Damn it!

God damn it!

♪♪ Hey!

You're awake.

You feeling any better?

Yeah.

What's goin' on?

Oh, yeah.

Right.

That's April.

It's an early birthday gift for the boy.

I have, uh...

I've missed, like, the last 83 or something, so I just...

I splurged.

You know what I mean?

Um, have you seen Jesse?

He's not bangin' on me door, complaining about the noise, so he's out, I guess.

Do you want us to turn the music down?

- No, no.

That's not what I was...

- Check this out.

Got it down at Circuit Works this morning.

Denis, turn the music down!

Denis, baisse la musique.

Honestly, that kid.

He's gonna put me in an early grave...

or a late one.

Um, did he say where he was going?

No.

No.

Why?

What's up?

Are you all right?

Excuse me.

Hello.

I didn't want Denis to feel self-conscious.

Do you wanna hang?

We're about to play Twister.

No.

Um, you know what?

I'm gonna make us breakfast.

Great.

All right.

We'll...

We'll twist up an appetite.

- Okay.

- All right, then.

♪♪ Yeah.

Make breakfast.

♪♪ ♪♪ - Hi.

- Hey.

Some... breakfast for lunch?

Oh, yeah.

Just cooking.

So, yeah, hey, um...

I was just wondering about my g*n.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I was gonna bring it over later.

It...

It's...

It's all right.

Um.

Do you still need it?

No, no.

I'll...

I'll go get it.

♪♪ Yeah, I'm sorry.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, also...

it sorta went off.

Oh.

Yeah.

Anyway, but I can pay you for the b*llet.

No, you know what?

It's okay.

You sure?

Yeah.

Oh.

Okay.

As long as you're okay.

Are you okay?

I'm okay.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

I'm okay.

I think you lost an egg.

What?

No, 'cause I...

I d...

♪♪ No, don't do that.

You don't...

I...

♪♪ ♪♪ Thank you.

♪♪ ♪♪ Check your pockets, please.

Piercings?

No.

Hmm.

♪♪ ♪♪ Sir.

Are you ready?

Good afternoon.

Jesse, meet His Holiness the Pope, Bishop of Rome, and the Right Honorable Lord Archbishop of Canterbury.

Gentlemen, Jesse Custer.

♪♪ Nice to meet you.

♪♪ So it was like Annville, and then we're looking for God.

And then Viktor, and... then all the stuff with The Saint.

I'm confused.

How did you get rid of him?

Well, we got him a soul.

And then, uh...

Jesse sent him to Hell with his mind power.

Wow.

Well, I mean...

that's good, right?

He handled it.

Yeah, it is good.

But...?

I just got this feeling.

That something's not right.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, if Jesse said that he handled it...

Did you see him send this Saint to Hell?

- No, but...

- But...

But he said that he did.

That's what he told you.

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

I wonder what could be not right about that.

Who knows?

I mean...

It's just a feeling, you know?

Maybe I'm going crazy.

No.

Mnh-mnh.

- I told you about my ex, right?

- Mm-hmm.

Rodney had a drinking problem.

And I told him he had to quit, and he swore to me that he did.

But...

I just...

I had this feeling, you know, this suspicion that he was lying, and it wouldn't go away.

I thought I was nuts.

Then one day, I found a fifth of vodka in his jacket pocket.

Though I loved him, I had to finally wise up and leave him.

I'm just saying, usually, if something feels wrong, it is wrong.

And you are not crazy.

Hmm.

What are you doing?

No!

Get away from me!

- Tickles.

- Hmm.

Go easy.

Okay, be careful!

Put a bloody eye out.

Honest to God.

Hello, new person.

My friend Jenny.

Hello, friend Jenny.

How you doing?

Listen.

We're gonna give breakfast a miss.

He's been cooped up all day.

We're gonna go out, let off some steam, all right?

Cool.

You gonna be all right?

- We'll be fine.

- Okay!

All right.

Denis!

Leave her alone!

She doesn't like it!

Okay.

You're too rough.

You're hurting my wrist!

That was Cassidy... and company.

He's cute.

Really?

Oh, my God.

Don't you think?

No.

So charming and damaged.

So bony.

He is bony.

That's how I like 'em...

All elbows and Adam's apples.

That's funny.

God is missing.

Do you know where He is?

Preacher Custer is with me.

Are you sure you want to know?

Some things cannot be...

unheard.

♪♪ The Seraphim.

A traitorous cabal of angels, jealous of God's authority, have rebelled against Him.

They betrayed our Lord...

and now He's on the run.

And it's up to us to keep Him safe.

♪♪ Give me a break.

What was that?

I said, "Give me a break." - It's true!

- It's not remotely true.

There is no coup.

God is not on the lam.

He's simply moved on.

The dinosaurs failed Him, and now mankind has.

He's gone to make a new creation.

Something more loving, more... more just, more divine.

So tell us, what are some features of this new creation?

The new species, it will be tall...

My sources say 10 foot or more...

With the prowess of a lion, the flight of an eagle, and the honey badger's sense of smell.

Honey badger.

Do you hear yourself right now?

Do you?

God on the run like a common criminal?

Give me a break.

So, no one knows where God is.

Clearly, we do not.

The boy.

He knows.

He has to.

It's time for him to lead.

All right, that's enough.

Gentlemen.

Thank you for coming by, saying hello.

♪♪ You see?

The greatest minds in the world, and we still can't find God.

But...

with our resources and your power...

Who is the boy?

I'm sorry?

"The boy.

He knows.

It's time for him to lead." Who is the boy?

You weren't supposed to hear that.

Tell me.

♪♪ He's The Messiah.

♪♪ ♪ Praise to the lord ♪

♪ The almighty ♪

♪ The king of creation ♪

♪ O my soul, praise him ♪

♪ For he is our health ♪

♪ And salvation ♪

♪ All ye who hear ♪

♪ Now to the temple draw near ♪

♪ Join me in glad adoration ♪

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

There, there.

Don't cry, little one.

Your father d*ed for a great cause.

But we will protect you.

And when the time comes, your bloodline shall ascend and restore order.

- Amen.

- Amen.

Can I hold him?

♪♪♪ And Thaddeus kept his promise to the child.

And since then, The Grail has protected Christ's lineage in preparation for one thing...

The end of the world.

And at the moment that hope is abandoned, our Savior will reveal himself to the frightened masses.

End of speech.

So, what you're saying is you have Jesus, and he's gonna run the world.

We have his 25th great-grandson, but, yes, that's the plan.

And this boy, does he know where God is?

He hasn't said.

Why not?

The Messiah can sometimes be a bit unforthcoming.

- Take me to him.

- Absolutely not.

Very few people even know of his existence, - let alone...

- Take me to him.

♪♪ Okay.

- So to change gears...

- Uh-huh.

Put your left hand, all right, and then just squeeze back on the throttle.

- Like this?

- Yeah.

And try not to crash.

That's it.

- Okay.

- Oh, my God.

- You're like a sexy Evel Knievel.

- Who's that?

What the bloody hell do you mean, "Who's that?" It's Evel Knievel!

What are you doing?

Stop looking at me like that.

What are you doing?!

Get off of me!

Stop it!

Stop!

Someone help!

Let's get out of here!

Now!

- What's going on?

- Freaks!

- What's up?

- Game over.

What the hell just happened there?

All right, son, look.

Listen to me.

Your body's changed.

And you got a boat-load of feelings rushing in, all right?

New appetites, and it's normal.

But some of these appetites...

And you know the ones I'm talking about...

You just...

\You can't ever act on them.

Ever.

Do you understand?

Comprenez-vous?

♪♪ Arcade Games Chiming And Playing Music...

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ I'll keep you my dirty little secret ♪ Gosh, how'd you get so good at video games?

My parents d*ed.

Oh.

Yeah, I was put in a home when I was 9.

The assholes liked the government checks but hated the kids, so...

They put you in front of the TV.

Pretty much.

You're a rock star!

Your go.

Nah, you go again.

No, you have to play.

♪♪ All-American Rejects' "Dirty Little Secret" Plays...

This is hard.

Nah, you'll get it.

You're really lucky, you know.

You've had such an awesome life.

You know, acting in L.A., robbing banks in Dallas, looking for God.

You're a survivor.

And you get to do it all with someone you love and trust.

I've never had that.

Game over.

I never told you about Dallas.

What?

Robbing banks in Dallas...

I never told you that.

Yeah.

Yeah, you did.

At breakfast.

♪♪ Maybe you just forgot.

You were pretty upset.

♪♪ Yeah.

Yeah, I was.

I was...

cryin' like a little baby, huh?

Nah.

You're good.

Okay.

Hit me.

♪♪ All-American Rejects' "Dirty Little Secret" Plays...

Where's the bathroom?

In the hall.

♪♪ Wrong way!

Thanks.

♪♪ Go for Hoover.

Listen carefully.

I need your help.

♪♪ Oh, hey.

Who are you?

- What do you mean?

- I-I'm Jenny.

I didn't say anything about Dallas.

I know I didn't.

Well, how else would I know about it?

Right.

That's why I'm askin'.

Yeah, I'm...

I'm confused.

You...

You tell me.

No, you tell me, 'cause you seem to know a whole lot.

Tell me again why you got that g*n.

'Cause of Rodney.

- Like I said, just...

- There is no Rodney.

Who are you?!

Honey, stop.

Y-You're scaring me, okay?

You sounkinda crazy.

You listen to me.

You got three seconds to come clean, or I will show you a whole world of crazy.

♪♪ Jenny!

Jenny, open up!

Oh, God.

- Oh, God.

- Jenny!

Stay here.

I'll take care of it.

Jenny!

Jenny!

Jenny, open up!

What are you doing here?

And stop yelling.

The neighbors are gonna hear you.

Jenny!

You got to come home.

I'm sorry.

You're drunk.

- Again.

- I'm not.

I'm...

- Yes.

- No, no, I'm not.

Sweetie, come on.

Look at you.

I said I'm not drunk!

You see what you make me do?!

You see what you make me do?!

Wait, wait, wait.

Stop.

Give me a turn.

Time to go, Rodney.

♪♪ ♪♪ You think I broke his rib?

Something cracked.

I think I broke it.

God, I just...

Like, I never fought back before, you know?

I feel so...

good.

Good.

Your tile's broken.

Everything's broken.

This whole building's a booby-trap.

Hold still.

Oh, sorry.

You should fix it.

You're handy.

Yeah.

I am.

Where are we going?

Is he close?

No.

♪♪ Can'S "Vitamin C" Plays...

♪♪ ♪ Hey, you ♪

♪ You're losing, you're losing, you're losing ♪

♪ You're losing your vitamin C ♪

♪ Hey, you ♪

♪ You're losing, you're losing, you're losing ♪

♪ You're losing your vitamin C ♪ ♪♪

♪ Hey, you ♪ ♪♪ Herr Starr, what a surprise.

The Allfather didn't tell us to expect you.

It's a pleasant surprise.

Y-Yes, sir.

Take us to him.

- But...

- Now.

♪♪ ♪♪ Monks Singing In Distance...

♪♪ Is he accepting an audience?

Yes.

He just had a bath.

Leave us.

♪♪ Jesse...

this is the Christ Child.

The Holy bloodline.

Our most precious figurehead.

The Messiah.

♪♪ Look upon him.

♪♪ I...

I don't know what to say.

I'm just a humble s...

This power, I think I've been given it to find your Father...

God.

Tell me, am I on the right path?

All I ever wanted was to serve you.

♪♪ Please.

I don't even know what to call you.

We call him...

Humperdoo.

You call him...?

Aah!

Ah.

He likes you.

Hello.

Nice to meet yous.

Is so happy to see yous.

♪♪ Who the hell is this?

I told you.

This is The Messiah...

Humperdoo.

Humperdoo?

I Humperdoo.

That's right.

I Humperdoo.

Good boy.

♪♪ Peepee?

Very good, my Lord.

Yes.

Come say hello.

Shiny!

Yes, it's my head.

- Humperdoo like shiny.

- Thank you, Messiah.

- Your amusement humbles me.

- Humperdoo like shiny!

Now, now, all right.

Shiny!

Shiny!

- Let's not become too pleased, shall we?

- Humperdoo like shiny!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Yes, now, calm yourself.

He's in one of his agitated states.

We should leave before he discharges.

Where is He?

Where is God?

Guards.

Shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I know.

You're tired.

Time for a nap.

Hey.

Hey.

Me and Denis have just been...

Here, check this out.

Pretty good, right?

What's it mean?

What do you mean, "What does it mean?" - It's a bloody bird.

- Yep.

No doubt about that.

It's better than Denis'.

He got a picture of Shemp from the "Three Stooges." - Shemp, for Chrissake.

- Where is he?

I don't know.

I don't know, actually.

He...

He wanted some alone time.

It's...

Yeah, it's perfectly natural, I suppose.

Do you want to get stoned and play "Rocklt"?

Sure.

Awesome.

But we only got drums.

♪♪ "Dirty Little Secret" Plays...

- She go for it?

- Not yet.

Junkie freakshow pulled her off to play video games.

♪ Tell me all that you've thrown away ♪ You sound like a woman.

♪ That needs to know ♪ God, I wish I could have k*lled her.

- Boss said not to.

- I know he said not to.

That's why she's still alive.

Why did he say that?

Not our job to ask why.

All we have to do is...

- Break them up.

- Exactly.

Yeah, well, this should do it.

♪ Who has to know?

♪ ♪♪ So that's...

He's the one that's gonna rule the world?

Look, like with any royal family or...

Maltese puppy, problems with inbreeding are to be expected.

You can't help me find God.

You never could.

I never said I could help you find God.

I said I could help you.

What are you talking about?

I was...

sodomized the other day, forced against my will.

A trio of local ruffians came to my office, bent me over, and...

Never mind.

The point is, while it was... happening, I thought of you...

Your power.

I've been head of the Samson Unit for over 13 years.

I thought I was working for order, working to make a cleaner world out of this sh*t-stained universe.

The truth is...

I've wasted my life serving someone who cannot rule.

I became disillusioned.

What alternative did I have?

Until now.

♪♪ I'm talking about you, Jesse Custer.

♪♪ You wanted me to use The Word.

You wanted me to meet The Messiah.

That was your plan all along.

God is gone, and nature abhors a vacuum.

Sooner or later, someone will fill it.

So I ask you...

Why go on looking for God when you can just...

be Him?

♪♪ That is blasphemy.

Semantics.

♪♪ Listen to me, you circle-jerking freak.

There is only one true God, and I will find Him.

Well, you can't find Him alone.

Surely, you've learned that by now.

♪♪ I'm not alone.

I have friends.

Do you?

Yes, I do.

And they're helping me.

Are they?

♪♪ Bonjour.

Anyway, think about it.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪