05x07 - Under Pressure

[bunniefuu]

DORIS: No.

No.

Order some of that egg salad and then send it back.

It looks old.

I'm not gonna do that.

[Cash Register Bell Dings]

Did you just Venmo me $ ?

Everybody has a price.

Katie!

Hi!

So, what do you think?

Are we finally gonna do that dinner we've been talking about?

Oh, gosh, Maria, I would love to, but. . .

We're going fishing!

Fishing!

And it's Doris'. . .

- Birthday!

- . . . birthday.

And that is something that we always do.

No problem.

You know I'll keep trying.

[Chuckles]

I do know that.

[Chuckles]

Maria's been asking me to do a couples' dinner for months, but she just won't get the hint.

I am not socializing with the Ablins.

I know we were just making up a lie there, but, like, I wouldn't hate it if you took me birthday fishing.

Come back from Hawaii, and maybe I will.

I miss you!

I need you!

Oh, God, you sound like my kids!

Katie, I didn't know you were BFFs with the principal's wife.

You know what they say, "nerds of a feather. . . " [Laughter]

Living in Westport has been the only time in my life that I haven't been popular.

It was okay when you, me, and Angela were outcasts together, but now I'm just an outcast by myself.

- It's lonely.

- You think you're lonely?

There were only five people in my surfing class today.

You know, in fifth grade I was voted permanent line leader.

Sixth grade, best hair.

Seventh grade, class flirt.

Uh, okay, well, I'm gonna put you on mute, but let me know when you're done.

In th grade, I was voted most likely to have a prom baby.

It was a different time, but believe me, it was a compliment.

♪ The latest poll is out for the Westport City Council race, and Steve Hobert is k*lling me.

Well, you're not the only one with problems, Greg.

My friends are gone, and the only person who wants to hang out with me is Principal Ablin's wife.

Did you see the att*ck ad that Dad's opponent released?

What?

NARRATOR: Do you really want Greg Otto in control of Westport?

He can't even control himself.

_ Wow.

Somebody knows how to use the free movie app on their phone.

That's your takeaway?

This is a disaster!

I have to figure out some way to turn my campaign around.

If you think everyone's gonna vote for Steve Hobert after seeing this ad, then just legally change your name to Steve Hobert.

Then you'll get all his votes.

I'm not changing my name to Steve Hobert.

Okay, then.

Just get him to change his name to Greg Otto.

You are truly not helpful, Taylor.

Oh, you're welcome.

Oh.

You said not.

Do you have any ideas on how to help my campaign?

No.

Not yet.

I'm gonna go take a bath and think about it.

Are you really gonna do that?

No, Greg.

I'm not even really gonna take a bath.

I'm gonna lock my door and read my book.

Yeah, I'm not reading a book.

I'm just going to hate-scroll Instagram.

♪ I mean, you're never too young to look your best.

- She's right.

- Yeah.

Crazy idea.

I'm gonna start eating my cookie at the beginning of lunch.

I love that idea.

Me too!

It's like, why wait?

Exactly.

The new rule is: cookies come first.

Oh, hey, Paris, I think you have a little cookie crumb by your nose.

That's not a crumb.

It's a booger!

Eww!

It's not such a big deal.

Cookie, booger.

Five years ago, we were eating both.

♪ OLIVER: I don't mean to adumbrate, but what I'm trying to construe is that to be ebullient is a choice.

And you can be intransigent all you want, but pulchritude is not what matters.

Sorry, what I'm trying to say is that it's what's on the inside that counts.

Good luck.

[Chuckles]

What's with all the big words?

I've been stressed about the SATs, so I've been trying to practice whenever I can.

SATs?

- Don't worry about those.

- Really?

Yeah, I did horrible.

And look at me now, BA from Online Experimental College.

Got my degree before they went bankrupt.

Does that degree still count?

- It does not.

- Mm.

But they can't take away everything I learned in Intro to Visual Human Connection.

Please stop staring at me.

Just one more second.

Really stay focused.

Mm.

That was nice.

Yep.

That was not nice.

♪ I was doing a little research and discovered a fun fact.

The last four City Council candidates whose names were on the marquee outside the school won.

And Principal Ablin controls the marquee.

That's just a fact, Greg.

It's not all that fun.

The point is, Ablin holds more power than anybody knows.

He's a local political kingmaker.

I need to get his endorsement so he puts my name on the marquee.

So I invited him and Maria over for dinner to woo them.

What?

Why didn't you ask me first?

Because I knew you'd say no.

Damn it, Greg, stop stealing my moves!

I asked Ablin what time worked for them.

He said, "Let's let the hens decide. " [Sighs]

I'll talk to Maria.

I can't believe what has become of me.

I used to be so popular in the th grade, my math teacher quit so that it wouldn't be a conflict of interest when he asked me out.

I turned him down.

Well, I appreciate you hosting Maria and Ablin.

- It means the wor.. .

- He still pokes me on Facebook.

I'm not gonna poke back, but it's nice to know I still got a grip on him.

♪ Hey, Mrs. Otto.

Check out Anna-Kat's new bling.

[Gasps]

Are those friendship bracelets?

Yeah.

I told Paris she had a cookie crumb on her face at lunch, but it was a booger.

Ever since then, all the other girls have been kissing up to me and giving me stuff.

This must be what Bob, Mom's church leader, feels like when everyone gives him their passports.

Anna-Kat, do you understand what's happened?

You have toppled the queen bee.

That makes you the queen bee!

You're popular now!

I asked a girl if I could borrow her pencil, and she gave me her whole backpack for keeps.

Because you're friends with her!

We're more than friends.

We're Franna-Kat!

What?

You've been sitting on "Franna-Kat" this whole time?

I've been calling us Anna-Kranklin like an idiot.

♪ Anna-Kat is the new queen bee, Greg.

- I don't know what that means.

- She's Beyoncé from Destiny's Child.

The Left Eye of TLC.

She's Brad from that barbershop quartet that you were once in.

Ohhhh, she's the most popular.

- Yes!

- [Laughs]

Brad.

She's just like how her mom used to be.

Isn't this great?

Why do you care so much about Anna-Kat being popular?

Because she's going to love it!

I wouldn't know.

I ate by myself in the media lab.

Well, not really alone.

I dined with Fellini and Bergman.

Mm.

Were those janitors?

They're filmmakers.

So have one of them make you a campaign ad so that we don't have to hang out with the Ablins!

Okay, I'll do that.

What time are they coming over tomorrow night?

I'm still hoping for a tragic accident to happen for them, but if not, : .

♪ If Y equals QX, then the answer should be. . .

QX over Y.

[Chuckles]

Ugh!

Wrong again!

What is the matter with you?

I study every single day, but my practice SAT scores keep going down.

Then study in a way that makes them go up.

You've surpassed the dead plant in the kitchen window as the least helpful thing in the house.

Why does everyone think that?

I can be helpful!

In fact, I know a way I can turn your life around right now.

I can't watch "High School Musical" again.

[Scoffs]

No, I'm studying psychology in college.

There's a whole section on stress relief.

I can teach you some relaxation techniques.

You know the information, Oliver.

You just need to relax to access it.

I don't need to relax!

Oh, I guess maybe I do.

♪ I'm not doing yoga.

Yoga's lame.

We're not doing regular yoga.

We're doing goat yoga.

It combines the physical benefits of yoga with the mental benefits of being around animals.

Fine.

- Where'd you get a goat?

- I didn't.

But we got Luthor.

He eats garbage like a goat does.

- [Luthor Whimpers]

- Plank position, please.

Hop on, Luthor!

[Groans]

Are you feeling more relaxed?

[Grunts]

Aw, Luthor, you're getting so fat!

♪ Okay.

Let's try going in a different direction: primal scream therapy.

It's a great way to clear your mind and relieve all of your pent-up anxiety.

Watch.

[Clears Throat]

Aaaaaaaaaah!

- Okay, I get. . .

- Aaaaaaaaaah!

- I don't think. . .

- Aaaaaaaaaah!

- What's going on? !

- Oh, just Taylor not helping.

Oh, good, 'cause it takes minutes to load this thing.

♪ Oliver, welcome.

Nope.

[Sighs]

♪ You didn't even give it a chance!

I'm done with your stupid advice.

It's not stupid.

These are good ideas.

You're just closed-minded.

When you're at Teen Help Line, people take your advice.

Why won't you take mine?

Because my advice helps people.

Uh, you. . .

you should think about majoring in something other than psychology!

See? !

Now that's helpful!

♪ My friends' moms are all staring at us.

But not in the hateful way they usually do.

Welcome to life as the queen bee.

Don't be afraid to give them what they want.

A wink.

A smile with a hair toss.

A cutesie wave with a silent laugh.

I'm not sure I can do that.

Sure you can.

It's something that we share.

It's in your blood.

Your father gives you super-thick toenails, and I give you popularity.

Hi, Anna-Kat.

What kind of ice cream are you getting?

Paris wants the same flavor.

Oh, mint chip.

I'm allergic to mint chip.

We're getting mint chip.

- I have an EpiPen in the car.

- Huh.

Can we get a playdate on the books?

Please.

Anything.

Even in a month.

Oh, a-and can. . .

Can we get a selfie?

Just the four of us?

We'll have to check Anna-Kat's schedule.

And unfortunately, Sage, we're not doing pictures right now.

A picture with Anna-Kat would be great for Paris, but a picture with Paris. . .

Forget Paris.

She just lost a tooth anyway.

How about one of me and Anna-Kat?

Bye, Sage.

Why'd you have to have that booger?

Sorry, Mom.

♪ Welcome.

Come on in.

Greetings and salutations.

Lotta cobwebs on your porch light in case you care.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, hello.

For you.

Wow!

An -ounce tub of margarine.

More like ounces.

I snacked a bit in the car.

It's best served chilled.

So, what do you think of my hair?

It's very. . . elegant.

I'm so glad you like it.

My hairdresser couldn't do it this time 'cause she was sick, so I went to my dog groomer's.

- I've poured us some wine.

- Hmm.

Actually, I'm more of a brandy Alexander guy.

Oh, I'm afraid I don't know how to make those.

I told you we should have pre-gamed.

Shall we?

This is so lovely.

We are very excited to finally be having dinner with you two.

We're absolutely thrilled.

I'm freaking out I'm so excited.

This may come as a surprise, but, uh, me and Mrs. Ablin don't have many couple friends.

And by "many," he means "any. " We're really hoping to leave here tonight not just as friends, but as best friends.

It's time to make some lifelong memories.

[Both Laugh]

Look at that!

Your new nickname is "Meatball"!

We're going to remember this forever!

To friends!

Sorry about that, M-Ball!

[Laughter]

[Forced Laughter]

Alright, shall we get going with some ice-breakers?

Uh, I assume you have a limbo bar.

If you'll excuse me, I promised to help Taylor with some homework.

- Taylor's out.

- Oh, I meant Oliver.

- Oliver's gone, too.

- Oh, I meant Anna-Kat.

Final answer.

- I'm having the best time.

- Us too.

♪ That was quite a night, huh?

It just started!

While you've been up here the last minutes, they made me play "Pass the Orange" with them.

- You have to come back down.

- No way.

I have a popular daughter, so I'm popular again.

All the other mothers let me go to the front of the pickup line today.

And I waved like this.

This dinner party is a step back.

It's one night.

We pretend to be best friends, I'll get the endorsement, and after I win the election, we'll just let the relationship peter out.

- These people don't peter.

- ABLIN: Hey, Meaty-B!

Get on down here!

I'm sorry, I can't go back down there.

You know, I do so much for you, and I rarely ask for anything in return.

I took all those tops back to JCPenney after you wore them three times.

I had to explain to the manager why there were no price tags on them and they smelled like deodorant.

I'll do anything else.

I'll watch "The Crown" with you and stay awake.

Also, it was your idea that I run for City Council in the first place.

- That's true.

- Look.

This election is important to me.

I need Ablin's help.

And yours.

You have a natural talent for winning people over.

It's why you were so popular.

I need that popular girl to help me get Ablin's endorsement.

Okay.

I'll do what's right.

[Laughs]

Oh, my God, that is so funny.

- I didn't say anything.

- I know.

Just practicing.

Still got it.

♪ It's great on grapes, too.

- I think I'm alright.

- Oh, come on.

Don't be shy.

Plenty of margarine to go around.

Okay.

No, no, no.

Allow me.

He is such a gentleman.

[Both Laugh]

Another new memory!

I love it!

Meatball and Grape!

I've always wanted to have a cool nickname.

[Laughs]

I'm having the best time.

Attaway, Grape!

[Laughs]

This is so much fun.

We should go on vacation together.

Yes!

Hotel rooms are so expensive.

But if we all four share one, half the cost!

That sounds great!

Unfortunately, we can't go on any trips right now because Greg is campaigning for City Council.

As you know, we have two kids at Westport Unified, so one of my priorities would obviously be getting the school all the funding it needs.

That's been my priority for years.

But the problem is, Greg doesn't have the sway in town that you have to get people elected.

You're basically the local political kingmaker.

Ooo.

Kingmaker.

I like the sound of that.

How would you feel about endorsing me on the school marquee?

I think it would pretty much guarantee a victory.

- Right!

- Hmm.

You know what sounds better than being the kingmaker?

- Being the king!

- How's that?

Katie, you've inspired me.

I've decided to run for City Council myself.

I'm going to be the Duchess of Westport.

- You may just be.

- Oh!

Now let's get some dinner.

We can talk about vacation.

I bet if we ask, we can get bunk beds.

[Laughs]

What just happened?

You can't trust dweebs, Meatball.

♪ I hate it when people talk about those raccoon videos on YouTube, but I have to show you this one.

He was using his little hands. . .

- Oh.

- Uh, do you have to take that?

- I mean, I feel like I should.

- Yeah.

Teen Help Line.

How can I help you?

YOUNG WOMAN: Hi.

I'm so stressed.

I've got this huge tennis match that a bunch of college scouts will be at.

It'll basically determine the rest of my life because my scholarship depends on it.

Wow.

That is really stressful.

But I-I think that's a narrow way to look at it.

He was holding a Dorito with his little people hands.

[Telephone Rings]

You only think the rest of your life depends on it because you're in the middle of it.

I promise you, though, no matter what happens, your life won't be ruined.

So what do I do?

What was your favorite treat when you were a kid?

Umm.. . brownies?

Me too.

Why don't you make yourself a batch of brownies?

I-I mean, I know it sounds corny, but the smell will bring you back to when you were a kid and every problem felt big.

And now that you're older, you have perspective.

You know they weren't.

Just like winning this tennis match might seem huge, but it really isn't.

- I love that.

Thank you so much.

- Good luck.

[Beep]

Okay.

Now I can hear about the raccoon.

Oh, I'm done, actually.

- I don't want to talk about it anymore.

- Alright.

Okay, he got nacho cheese all over his face.

And then he was cleaning it in a birdbath. . .

Again? !

I can't even finish a story around here!

Teen Help Line.

♪ How's my popular girl?

I don't have time for small talk right now.

What's going on, sweetie?

I'm trying to figure out my outfit for tomorrow.

Apparently, everyone else cares what I wear, so I have to care, too!

Anna-Kat, are we still wearing headbands today?

Or are they out?

Either way is cool.

We were just wondering.

Oh, um, I don't know.

Oh, my gosh, not knowing is actually perfect.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom now.

I love the bathroom.

I don't have to go, but I'm happy to just sit on the toilet.

♪ Do I wear a crew neck or a V-neck?

Or maybe a turtleneck?

I don't know.

There's so many necks!

Relax, sweetie.

It's gonna be fine.

Nothing is fine!

My shoe was untied today, so everyone untied their shoes to match.

Then they all added a Kat onto their name.

Jenny-Kat.

Emily-Kat.

Even Katherine-Kat.

That's just Kat-Kat!

[Sighs]

I kinda am feeling that you're not having fun being popular.

I hate it.

I never have a moment to myself anymore.

I'm the center of attention all the time.

Yeah.

You don't like that?

- No.

- Well, why didn't you say anything?

You were so happy I was finally popular, I thought maybe I was wrong for how I'm feeling.

I don't care whether you're popular or not.

I was just excited because I thought it was going to make things easier for you.

But you need to stay true to yourself.

And if the person inside of you isn't popular, it makes no difference to me.

I love you no matter what.

Thanks, Mom.

I just wish I could go back to pre-booger on Paris' face.

Well, I can't help you to become unpopular.

- That's not in my wheelhouse.

- [Chuckles]

But I think I have just the guy for you.

Greg!

What's crackalackin', homies?

I was just taking my orthopedic socks for a test ride.

I'll let you handle it from here.

♪ [Sighs]

I'm not even gonna get into Online Experimental College.

Oh, what's this?

It's a plate of warm brownies.

You're really good at Teen Help Line.

What?

[Dual Voices]

I used a voice modifying app to tell you about a huge tennis match I have coming up.

Wow.

That was super clever of you.

[Normal Voice]

See?

I'm helpful!

Hmm.

If you think about it, I actually helped myself.

But I helped you get there.

So one might say I was not unhelpful.

- I guess.

- Yes!

I can't wait to tell Dad!

♪ How does it look?

Perfectly disgusting.

Let's do this.

Oh, my gosh!

Anna-Kat has toilet paper stuck to her shoe!

TOGETHER: Eww!

Good luck.

You're now the queen bee.

Gimme back my backpack!

I'm glad that's over.

Not me.

I'm gonna miss getting to use the bathroom.

You don't have to be popular to use the bathroom, Franklin.

Really?

Oh.

That's good to know.

♪ Now that I'm back to being an outcast, revisiting my glory days was a good idea, honey.

Why is Claire Barnes' yearbook picture your picture?

They used me as default for everyone who didn't get their photo taken.

I also won class clown, most likely to succeed, best eyes, best nose, best smile.

I swept the face, Greg.

- It's got my vote.

- What'd you win?

I only won one award.

"Best new student," my senior year.

I went to the same school for four years.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad that I'm out of your league.

I just want you to acknowledge it.

I know you're out of my league.

And I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Damn straight you are.

Oh, look, it's me in "Pippin. "

- Where?

- In the back.

- See?

- ‭Mm-hmm.