05x03 - Coupling

[bunniefuu]

♪

How long will Franklin
be staying with us?

His mom is supposed to
be back in two weeks

from her pilgrimage to the pyramids,

unless, of course, the aliens do show up

and bring her to their home planet.

Say what you will about cults.

They take some very nice trips.

Mm.

A matador and a bull.

That's amazing!

Toro, toro!

more minutes, then bed.

Okay.

Franklin, can't the matador and the bull

just be friends?

Aw, now, is that so hard?

Yes! How are you doing that?!

It's simple. Like this. Try it.

We all have our gifts.

This one isn't yours, buddy.

♪

Living here takes some getting used to.

For starters... and you know
what I'm about to say...

- no helipad.
- No helipad.

And I don't even know
how I get up in the mornings

without my live-in barista.

I want to say his name is...

Latte?

But now that I think about it,
that can't be right.

And yet you soldier on,
you brave, brave boy.

Hey, where are you going?

It's Tuesday. It's "Below Deck" night.

We need to put on our boat shoes
and captain's hats.

I won't be able to watch.

I have to work with Trevor
on our Gyftee app.

That's the third night this week.

You two are getting quite close.

We'll just watch when I get back.

Maybe.

If I'm still awake. [Sighs]

If, God forbid,
something happens to me tonight,

I hope you're proud
of the way you've behaved.

[Singsong voice] Trouble in paradise!

The honeymoon phase might be over.

[Door slams]

Mnh.

[Scribbling]

_

Ha, ha.

Today was the last time

that I bring your student ID
to you at school.

You're in college now. Act like it.

Fine-ah.

And stop saying "fine-ah."

You're . It's "fine."

Whatever-ah!

[Groans]

♪

Adult children should not rely
on their parents like this.

What did the kids do in the old days?

Well, in Colonial times,
I'd be long dead from w*r,

and you'd be wasting away
from scarlet fever.

Lucky bastards.

We were born in the wrong time.

♪

This tiny little tube is $ ?

It's an exfoliant with diamond dust.
Want to try a dab?

That came out faster than I thought.

Woke me up when you came in
late last night.

Yeah, because I tripped over your shoes,

which, by the way,

I've asked you not to leave
in the middle of the floor.

- Relax.
- Oh, don't tell me to relax.

- You know that's a trigger word for me.
- [Sighs]

Promise me we'll never be like them.

- ANNA-KAT: Let us through!
- Make way for the young!

My glands feel swollen.

- Mine too.
- Nuh-unh!

You two are faking it

because you want to stay home
and play in your tent.

Next time, put some effort in.

Throw a can of mushroom soup
on the floor

and say you barfed.

- Amateur hour over here.
- Hmm.

Go get ready.

[Door opens]

[Chuckles] Good morning.

Please tell me that you drove
here to brush your teeth.

No. I slept over.

Taylor said you'd be cool with it.

Do I look like I'm cool with it, Greg?

No, you look like every time I ask you

to watch that Ottoman Empire
documentary.

You said to act like I'm in college.

In college, people have
their boyfriends sleep over.

I don't see the problem.

You let Oliver have
his boyfriend sleep over.

Cooper is not my boyfriend!

Well, you don't have to
say it like that.

Taylor, Trip is not allowed
to sleep over. Ever!

And you are not allowed
to go at it under this roof.

- Mom!
- It's disrespectful!

Have you ever had any idea

your dad and I were doing it
in this house?

No.

Because we keep it from you.

Do you think I like
the whale song setting

on your dad's noise machine
cranked at full volume?

Ew!

Well, now you've officially
ruined the ocean for me.

Let's go, Cooper.

Fine, but only because I want to.

Yes, we all get it.

You make your own decisions.

I go to great lengths
to hide these things from you,

and I expect you to do the same.

Do it in a car, under the bleachers,

in the end zone with Skylar Edwards

the night after
his game-winning touchdown.

Who's Skylar Edwards?

She got caught up in her highlight reel,
but you get the point.

Trip can never sleep over again.

If it makes you feel better, Mr. A,

last night, we were mostly
doing other stuff.

I don't think
that makes him feel any better.

♪

I didn't know they were
doing it doing it!

[Sighs]

I thought maybe they were at third base.

In Florida, that is third base!

- Then what's a home run?
- It's when you lean forward...

Forget it! I don't want to know!

This changes our whole relationship.

She's still our little girl.

I mean Trip!

He was my guy,
but he broke the bro code.

Bros before hos!

You are talking about your daughter!

Oh, God! My baby!

Mom. School.

- Daddy's pure, little princess.
- Ohh!

I got to take the kids to school.

Thanks for handling Taylor and Trip.

- Wait, what?
- Uh, bye, Dad.

B...

[Door opens, closes]

Hmm.

Trip, can I speak to you for a minute?

Sure.

Mr. A, I actually wanted
to talk to you, too.

I felt like there was
some weirdness this morning.

- Are we cool?
- Cool.

Cool, cool... cool.

Let me think about that.

You look sleepy, Mr. A.

No, I'm being menacing
while polishing a g*n.

Well, shouldn't you be looking
at the g*n when you polish it

so you don't miss a spot?

No, you don't get it.
I'm threatening you.

Okay, it's starting to feel like
you're not cool with this.

Mr. A, I want you to know
that I love Taylor,

and I respect her a lot.

And I would never do a Florida home
run with her or anything like that.

Why does everyone know what
a Florida home run is but me?

It's when you lean forward...

I don't want to know.

Get out!

♪

Ugh. When are you coming home
from Hawaii?

Having Second Breakfast with you
like this is ridiculous.

No one buys that we're sharing waffles.

Why didn't you just call me
from your house?

Taylor is there.

When will it be okay for her
to have sex in your home?

Never. Not when I'm alive or dead.

I'll haunt her horny ass.

Katie, my parents were
very strict on stuff like that

when I was growing up, okay?

They once caught me listening

to Luther Vandross in my room

and grounded me for six months.

That's what I'm talking about!

I pushed back by boinking in their bed,

their favorite spot on the couch,

where they made sandwiches
on the counter.

If you don't relax,

Taylor will revenge-bang
on everything you love.

Wait.

So I'm the one being unreasonable?

You either grow with your kids
or you grow apart.

Me? I'm gonna grow apart from them.

Otherwise, they're showing up
on the holidays

with all their own children
messing up my stuff,

constantly asking, "Which
channel is Disney Junior?"

I don't know. I don't know!

I want to grow together.

I want Taylor coming home
with her kids for the holidays.

Either be okay with Taylor and...

- Is Trip over ?
- Yeah.

...and her super hot boyfriend
doing it in the house,

or pretend to be okay with it,

because the horse is out
of the equestrian center.

The saying is,
"The horse is out of the barn."

Not in Westport.
Rich people say it my way.

Wait, I'm not done with that.

[Muffled] Now you are.

I'm going on break!

Who the hell do you think you are?

The owner's son.

My parents got fed up with my "laziness"

and "entitlement"

and revoked my trust fund

and are forcing me
to wait on a bunch of losers.

Not you, though.

You're awesome.

So, what you're saying is
that I can't get you fired?

No. I even tried myself.

Yesterday, I wore short shorts. Nothing.

Katie, turn me around.

I want to talk to this d-bag.

Wow, this is weird.

I'm not used to the girls
that I watch on the Internet

talking back to me.

Hey, I look down on waiters, okay?

They don't look down on me.

- So, you...
- Yeah. All right.

If you could tip me in cash,
that would be better for me.

Thank you.

[Cellphone vibrates, ringtone plays]

[Groans]

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Huh.

I'll be right there.

[Cellphone beeps]

[Sighs]

...so hard, you'll never be
able to ride a bicycle again!

I have to go get Anna-Kat and Franklin

from the nurse's office at school.

Apparently, they weren't lying

when they said that
they were sick this morning.

Okay, well, before you do,
throw me at that waiter's head.

Y-You know what? Balls. His balls.

♪

Greg, we've got big problems.

- Can I put down my brief...
- No, you cannot.

I took the kids to the doctor today.

Anna-Kat and Franklin both have mono!

The kissing disease?

We are running a brothel.

♪

[Sighs] I can't believe they're kissing.

- This is all your fault!
- How is it my fault?

You thought it was okay

to let them sleep
in the same room together.

They're not babies anymore.

You hear Franklin's voice?

I know. It's like, "Are you
asking me for a juice box

or trying to sell me
Allstate Insurance?"

You know what it is?

Taylor and Trip
are setting a bad example.

- We have to keep them apart.
- Oh, great idea, Greg!

You don't want our daughter
to come home for Thanksgiving.

Of course I do!

Well, if we want
an adult relationship with her,

we have to get onboard
and treat her like an adult.

- Where is this coming from?
- That's what Doris said.

Taylor is getting older,

and we have to get onboard,

or we're gonna push her away.

So, we're okay with them
getting freaky in the house?

No, I'm not okay with it!

My instinct is to collect
all six Infinity Stones

and Thanos-snap Trip out of existence.

That's your plan?

It's the highest-grossing film
of all time, Greg!

But unfortunately,
if we don't get onboard,

we're not gonna see our grandchildren.

And we're good with Anna-Kat
and Franklin kissing?

Are you crazy? Of course not!

I can't keep track!

Who can?!

As soon as you get the hang of your kids

and figure out how they work,
they change on you

like a caterpillar
turning into a damn butterfly.

- You hate butterflies?
- I hate anything that changes, Greg.

♪

Hi, guys.

Can I have my door back?

Of course.

We realized that you are adults,

and if you're going to do...

- Adult activities.
- Mm-hmm.

- Like taxes?
- That's not what he means.

We're okay with it.

Under our roof.

Did you hear what I just said?

Yeah, yeah,
I'm just waiting for the part

where you turn it, yell, "Psych!"

and then take away my phone.

- What's the catch?
- No catch.

You were right.

You're in college now.

And in college, people do have
their boyfriends sleep over.

Uh-huh.

I'm serious.

So, you and me are okay again, Mr. A?

Yes.

If someone is gonna pleasure
with my daughter,

it would be my pleasure if it was you.

Go get her, pal.

- Have at it.
- [Chuckles]

If you would like to leave
and never come back,

I understand.

♪

My turn.

[Groans]

Can I have my door back?

You are lucky
that we're leaving the walls!

Hey!

Hey!

I don't understand.

Why can't we be together?

Is it because of my sleep kicking?

I don't do that anymore.

I have Anna-Kat tie my legs down
with bungee cords.

Sure, it's a fire hazard,

but the real danger is
not getting your eight hours.

No.

It's because of the kissing.

What kissing?

Come on, guys.

Mono is a disease
that's passed along by kissing.

You are starting to mature.

And...

Greg?

Oh. Um...

Your body's changing, and, uh...

Katie?

And you start to grow...

Stop! Stop this right now!

We haven't been kissing.

What is wrong with you two?

[Voice cracking] We are children.

If anything, we passed it

by sharing that metal straw
that Dad made us use.

Now, if you two
are done embarrassing us,

and yourselves,

we are going back up to my room

to contemplate the youth
that you tried to steal from us.

I expected this sort of thing
from her, but you?

Good God, man!

♪

[Sighs]

All right.

Here we go. "Below Deck."

[TV turns on]

Why does it say "Watch again"?

Did you watch this without me?

Yes. I did.

I can't put my life on pause
because of you.

[Scoffs] It's a show.

You can literally pause it.
There's a button.

You've been out with Trevor
almost every night this week.

- Hey.
- [Hat thuds]

The time I'm spending
with Trevor is work

so I can get accepted to Harvard

and you can donate a building
and buy your way in.

- I'm doing this for us!
- Yeah, well, it doesn't feel like it!

You're acting crazy.

You know that's my trigger word.

♪

[Door slams]

What's with those two?

Oliver better not blow it.

It'd be good for that kid
to marry some money.

What's this?

To prove to you that there's no catch

and that we are supportive
of your adult decisions,

here's everything
that the two of you need

for a romantic night in your own room.

Bon Jovi.

I don't have anything to play this on.

Oh, there's no CD.

Just take a look at the cover
for a while,

and you're good to go.

The same with this VHS
of "Three Men and a Baby."

Even Guttenberg was bringing the heat.

And a jasmine-scented candle

because we know how much Trip
likes "Aladdin."

- I really do.
- Okay, we get it. Thanks.

Hmm. What does this do?

- [Click]
- [Whales squealing]

Those are North Atlantic right whales.

They'll go forever.

- No pressure, bud.
- [Click]

I think I liked it better

when you were pointing your g*n at me.

Hmm.

♪

What's happening?

- Are we even thinking about this?
- No, we're not thinking.

We're panicking.

For God's sakes,
we made them a sex basket.

- Are we doing the right thing?
- I have no idea.

I don't even recognize myself.

It's very unnatural for me
to be this supportive.

♪

What do you think
they're doing up there?

Two -year-olds and a basket of sin.

What do you think they're doing?

But it's all good.

We've got an adult daughter,

and we're rolling with the punches.

And when she has her own family,

we're going to see her for Thanksgiving.

Look at me. I'm a butterfly.

- We're adapting.
- Totally.

Although I feel like I'm disappointing

all those people who wrote
in my yearbook, "Never change."

[Chuckles]

You can't get double mono, can you?

No.

- I think "mono" means one.
- Right there.

That kind of thinking is why
you're in the classroom

with the metal scissors now.

[Chuckles]

What are you doing?

You never eat your crusts.
I always take them.

Well, tonight,
I'm giving them to someone

who understands loyalty.

Luthor!

[Luthor whines]

Well, let's see how good Luthor is

at giving you a final
outfit approval before school.

Maybe we didn't think this through.

Maybe we moved in together too fast.

Maybe we did.

Before you say
you're going home to Mother,

the two of you, sit down.

[Sighs]

- What's going on with you guys?
- I don't know. Ask him.

Should you ask me, or should you
ask your new friend Trevor?

Trevor and I just work together.

All you do is work!

You come home exhausted
and have nothing left for me.

[Whispers]

[Chuckles]

What did you say?

Nothing.

You said something about
getting us a basket?

It's not important.

You guys are roommates now.

And your relationship
is going through a change.

You can either grow together
or grow apart.

I'd like to grow together.

Me too.

Do you want to join our business?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

What's Trevor gonna say?

He'll hate it, but who cares?

Welcome aboard.

- [Whispering] Whale sounds.
- [Chuckles]

Whale sounds?

I know what you're doing.

Very funny. Real mature.

Did you know that President Garfield

was ripped apart by an assassin's b*llet

but lived days to tell the story?

[Sighs] I keep a list of
conversation topics in my pocket

in case our well starts to run dry.

I thought for sure
a president clinging on to life

would be a grand slam.

Sorry. I'm just thinking.

If my parents thought we were kissing,

should we be?

- Are we old enough?
- I don't know.

Maybe we are.

Sometimes I order off the adult menu.

- I do love a Niçoise salad.
- [Chuckles]

Is the tent still in your dad's office?

It is.

Then what are we still doing here?

♪

You feeling any better?

Yeah, the Tums are kicking in.

I shouldn't have had that second
package of edible panties.

Mm.

"My Dearest Friend: Letters
of Abigail and John Adams"?

Must be from my dad.

Ugh! He marked a page.

[Clears throat]

"Miss Adorable, by the same token

that the Bearer hereof sat up
with you last night,

I hereby order you
to give as many kisses

and as many hours
of your company after :

as he shall please to demand
and charge them to my account."

He should have given us
something in English.

Yeah.

We don't need any of this stuff.

What do you think
we're supposed to do with this?

[Chuckles] It's an Easter egg.

It used to be an Easter basket.

Oh! Well, that explains
the little pink bunny.

Oh, God.

[Thud]

♪

You know, just because
we're getting older

doesn't mean we can't
hold on to our innocence

a little bit longer.

Yeah, I'm not ready
to give up the kids' menu.

I like my place mat
to come with crayons.

Not to mention the word puzzles.

They save you from
that awkward pre-meal chitchat.

True.

♪

We are permitting Taylor and Trip

to hook up under our roof.

What's next for us?

Making Oliver martinis?

Letting Anna-Kat visit
her pen pal in prison?

Mm.

Hi!

There's my adult daughter
that I'm treating like an adult.

You guys want a smoothie?

Or you could have it for breakfast

because I'm sure
Trip is sleeping over again,

which we're happy about
'cause we're chill...

- [Chuckles]
- ...man.

No, Trip is never sleeping over again.

This is all too weird.

The basket's weird.

You guys are weird.

You being cool with it
ruined everything.

Yeah, we're gonna take
your earlier advice

and just go somewhere else.

The bathroom at the Stop-N-Shop
on the Post Road

has a big stall with a handicap rail.

Huh.

For the record, we're being supportive,

so you have to come home
for Thanksgiving.

I don't know what that means, but fine.

- Did you hear that?
- [Door opens, closes]

A single-syllable "fine."

That's all I wanted.

I thought we were doing the wrong thing

- right up until the end.
- Yeah, me too.

Parenting... sometimes surprising,

- always terrible.
- Hmm.

Sorry. These panties
are crazy addictive.

♪

Any requests?

Do a chick hatching from an egg.

[Laughter]

No more softballs. Bring it on.

Uh, Godzilla.

Knitting a sweater.

[Laughter]

Amazing!

Come on, people. Give me a challenge.

Do my Aunt Edna.

Trip, he doesn't know your Aunt Edna.

Unbelievable!

You got her mole and everything!

FRANKLIN: [High-pitched voice]
Trip, you're so handsome.

- [Laughter]
- This is too much.

I got to go. Now. Move.

♪