05x04 - Homeschool Sweet Homeschool

[bunniefuu]

♪

Well, Mommy Margaret just topped

her stovetop scrubbing record. [Gasps]

Another speed-cleaning
challenge in the books.

And all during the twins' nap time.

Ahh! So blessed!

Now let's go and arrange some flowers.

Why are you watching that?

I need ideas for the mommy vlog
that I'm starting.

Mommy Margaret is super-popular,

but, to me, she just looks like

one of those moms who would m*rder a kid

so that her daughter
could be head cheerleader.

Maybe, but she has
millions of followers.

That's how you get advertisers.

So if you want to be
a successful mommy vlogger,

you better start smiling
and acting positive.

[Enthusiastic] I love being a mom!

I've always hated the words "thank you,"

and now I never hear them!

So blessed!

Now, keep that positive attitude going

because I need an SAT tutor.

Absolutely not! We can't
afford it, you Westport turd!

All the kids in town get one.

It's not fair that I have to
work harder than everybody else.

[Normal voice] It's not fair that some
kids spend their entire childhood

fighting off a k*ller clown,
but that's life!

When will you stop using "It"
as a cautionary tale?

Never! No tutor.

I'll still let you on my yacht,
because you're my mother...

but you will never get to drive.

I'm happy to help you with
your assignment if you want.

Ah, no, thanks.
It's my first college paper,

and I'm writing it completely on my own.

Okay.

But in college, the papers
are pretty straightforward.

Professors aren't impressed
by puffy stickers.

[Sighs] I have to think
of a new ending now!

[Sighs] I admire her ambition,

but if my own daughter

fails her first assignment
at the school I teach at

and pulled strings to get her into,

it's not gonna make me look good.

I stopped worrying how Taylor
made me look when she decided

to potty-train herself in the
toilet display at Home Depot.

Hmm.

[Indistinct conversation,
Molly Margaret speaking]

How am I supposed to
figure out my mommy vlog

if the two of you
are home sick with mono?

Franklin, when is your mother coming
back from her spiritual retreat?

Their leader, Bob, says
when they've been contacted

by extraterrestrials
or when they run out of ramen.

- [Groans]
- [Computer alert dings]

"Attached are this week's

school assignments
for Anna-Kat and Franklin.

Please see that they're
completed. Principal Ablin."

- [Key clacks]
- Can't delete that fast enough.

[Sighs] I'm going
to Stewart and Kingston's.

It's teacher-conference day
at the high school,

so Oliver and Cooper are here
if you need anything.

But what about our schoolwork?

Fine. I'll put on educational TV.

- [TV clicks]
- [Indistinct conversations]

" Day Fiancé" is educational?

It's on The Learning Channel.

"Learning" is in the title.

♪

Things have gotten really tight in here

since you had your post-summer,
pre-autumn wardrobe delivered.

I need my linen pastels, bromigo.

- We've outgrown my room.
- I'm glad you said something.

In order to psychologically
prepare myself each night,

I either pretend I'm on "Survivor"

or in a sad Bolivian prison.

♪

You want us to live in your basement?

Oh, it'll need a little fixing up,

but it's got an open floor plan,
privacy, and...

A lot of exposed nails.

Don't be so negative.

Most people don't ever get to
make use of their tetanus sh*t.

♪

[Bell clanging]

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!

Vote Greg Otto for City Council!

Hang on, Doris.

Whatever it is you're selling,

total stranger who is definitely
not my husband,

I'm not buying it, sir!

- Good day!
- I need to collect more

signatures to get on the ballot
for City Council.

I'm dressed like this
to remind voters of my platform

to save Bissell's field from developers.

Well, how many signatures
do you have so far today?

None, but some people promised
they'd sign on the way out.

Well, let me be your first
signature of the day.

Oh!

Have fun.

Thanks.

"Go home and change.

You look like the Quaker Oats guy."

I can't figure out what to
talk about on my mommy vlog.

Well, what do other vloggers do?

It's mostly parenting hacks.

Like, there's this woman,
Patient Prudence,

who's actually not very patient,
and I think her husband's gay,

but she's got great snack ideas.

Oh, I know her. Her videos are awesome.

Why do you watch a mommy vlogger?

Oh, I tuned in for her giant cans,

but I actually don't hate
her dessert recipes.

Katie, face me out!

You know it's rude to eavesdrop
on your customers?

I have to do something to break
the boredom of this stupid job,

which my parents make me do
to get my trust fund.

I mean, why couldn't I work
at one of their other companies?

They made my brother
vice president of their bank

all because he went to "college"
and has a "work ethic"

and isn't addicted to "OxyContin."

I mean, working sucks,

and I am the unluckiest person
in the world.

No! You are the most spoiled
person in the world.

- Whatever.
- Yeah, you need a good ass-kicking, dude.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.

Any time you wanna scrap,
Edna from "The Incredibles,"

you know where to find me.

[Gasps] That family
could not have survived

without her intricate costuming!

- [Ringtone plays]
- Hang on, Doris.

Hello? Principal Ablin?

- Busted!
- Excuse me?

I'm busting you via telephone
because you deleted

Anna-Kat and Franklin's
school assignments e-mail.

- How did you know I did that?
- Franklin called and told me.

Why does Franklin have your number?

Franklin and I have a standing
weekly phone call.

Sometimes it's a video chat. [Chuckles]

He has a filter that makes him
look like a potato.

We laugh and laugh.

Anyway, I've re-sent the assignments.

Make sure they do them.

Great.

I have to make sure that the kids

do all their schoolwork
while they're home sick.

Well, you were looking
for something to do with them

for your mommy vlog.

Homeschooling is perfect.

Huh. I could put on a fake smile
and pretend to like something.

I sat through all the kids'
recitals without k*lling myself.

That's basically having
your teaching credentials.

The first thing you should teach
your mouthy little phone friend

is some manners.

Hey! Come closer.

Someone needs to spank you.

I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?

- Oh, maybe I would!
- Maybe I'd like it, too.

Maybe I'd like it a lot.

- What the hell was that?
- I don't know.

I-It's a razor-thin line for me
between heated and horned up.

Hello, Internet!

Welcome to "Can-Do Katie's Classroom."

Today we are homeschooling.

Students, please turn to page two

in your life-science packets.

We're hungry.

We usually have a snack
right before science class,

and Franklin is
dangerously close to a BSE.

A blood-sugar emergency.

It starts with crankiness
and ends with me throwing elbows

and shouting un-Christian words.

[Groans]

Hey! I need cooperation for my
first "Can-Do Katie" vlog, okay?

So stop busting my hump
and do what I say.

Now, where were we?

Snack time!

If I don't have a Go-Gurt
in my hands in two seconds,

I'm gonna flip out.

Okay, so, any good teacher
knows how to compromise.

Let's combine snack time
with class time.

You happy?! Don't ruin this
for me, you little [bleep].

Ooh! An un-Christian word.

Sounds like we could all use a snack.

♪

And... we're back!
So, I thought it would be fun

to use baking
to teach the kids geometry.

So smart!

Franklin, can you tell me
the sum of the internal angles

of the triangle-shaped cookie?

degrees.

Okay!

As a reward, you get to eat the cookie.

Wait! Mom! He's allergic

to every ingredient in that cookie!

How am I supposed to know that?

You're the teacher.

[Garbled] Don't you have
my medical records?

[Groans]

[Sighs]

Heart or butt.
Your choice, but make it fast.

[Cap pops]

♪

How's homeschool going?

Dude, I had to stick two
allergy sh*ts into Franklin.

Both times I did, he said,
"Yeah, that's the good stuff."

[Footsteps approaching]

You two are really moving
into the basement, huh?

It's gonna be good for you, Cooper.

It's about time you slummed it.

Hey! I've slummed it.

I once had to bake my own bread.

We were summering in Umbria.

My family owns a small vineyard there,

just a few dozen acres of Sangiovese.

What was I talking about again?

Oh, yeah! I made artisanal focaccia!

Hmm!

Oh, good news, Mom.

I found an SAT tutor
for only bucks an hour.

Hmm. You're new to this family
every day, it seems.

This is going to shock you,

but some parents support
their children's dreams.

Your anger only makes me stronger!

Guess what! I got an "A" on my paper!

You did? Really?

You got an "A" on a college
paper about "Dora the Explorer"?

Sí.

That means "yes" in Spanish.

It was on great thinkers
of the th century.

The T.A. said it was
one of the best papers.

Good job, Taylor.

Hola.

What is with your college?

Are people also writing
PhD dissertations

on "SpongeBob SquarePants"?

This is troubling. I don't
recognize the T.A.'s name.

Excuse me.

[Keys clacking]

Oh, damn! He's fine!

He's an at best.

I'm just saying he's cute,
Taylor's cute.

He probably thinks
he has a good sh*t at her

if he gives her a good grade.

Maybe an / . I'm just
now taking in his smile.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

♪

Uh... hello?

Hey! You must be Ms. Otto.

I am. Who are you?

Oh, Cooper Bradford hired us
to remodel the basement.

- Since when?
- We've been here for the last nights.

I haven't heard a thing.

- We soundproofed it.
- Oh! Good!

So you won't hear their screams

when I go downstairs and throttle them.

Oliver, Cooper! Just talked
to your friends upstairs!

And you are in a lot

- of troub-le...
- Oh... my God!

[Video-game g*nf*re and explosions]

I am underdressed for my basement.

How great is this place?

The whole reason I agreed
to let you live down here

was because the basement was crap.

You're supposed to be growing as people.

Yeah, we were planning on it,
but then Oliver reminded me

- that I'm really rich.
- Mm-hmm.

Cooper, that is not how the Ottos live.

We work for what we have,

and that's why we appreciate it more.

Well, I didn't work
for these cashmere pillows,

and I'm appreciating
the hell out of them.

That is because you are corrupted!

Oh. My.

I don't know what they
had to k*ll to make this,

but it was worth it.

[Gasps]

I am not cool with this.

This is mine now.

♪

- Did you see the basement?
- Yes!

I think it's outrageous.

I think it sets a bad example
for our son,

and I think I might use their
sauna when they're not around.

Honey, we have to talk to you
about something.

You're in college now, honey.

Oh, crap. A double "honey."

It's just your mother and I
are a little skeptical

that your T.A., Andre, gave you that "A"

because he felt like
it was a good paper.

Why else would he give me an "A"?

Well, when I was in college,
I also had a pervy T.A.

who gave me good grades
because I was cute.

Unfortunately, your mom is right.

I gave her a better grade
than she deserved

because I wanted to go out with her.

He changed a "B" to an "A"
because of these D's.

I can't believe this!

You don't think I'm capable
of getting an "A,"

even though I worked really hard
and wrote a great paper!

This is so insulting!
Now please leave my room... honey!

Huh.

Now that I hear it, it is patronizing.

♪

Photosynthesis is when plants turn...

carbon dioxide into oxygen.

And which continent
has the Sahara Desert?

Anna-Kat?

That's right!

And you carry the ,
and you're on your way!

Easy!

♪

[Gasps] This is Can-Do Katie

reminding you that you're
a mommy and you can do it!

[Key clacks, music stops]

What do you think? So good, right?

It's not you at all.
I don't know if I like it.

Well, you know who does like it?

Gentle Ginny of
"Gentle Ginny's Bubble Bath."

She reached out and wants
to sponsor my mommy vlog.

Why can't you just be yourself?

Nobody's interested in the real me.

They want perky and positive.

My brand is more cranky and vengeful.

- It's not for everyone.
- I like it.

Well, that's because your brand
is taking abuse with a smile.

- That's why we work, baby.
- [Both chuckle]

How'd it go with the signatures?

Oh, I only got seven so far...

six from people in the Historical Guild

and one from a "Harry Azcrac."

[Laughs]

Classic.

What?

Oh, sweetie.

♪

Hello, fellow mommies! Today...

- [Indistinct conversation]
- [Groans]

Guys, I told you I don't
want to have to edit around

you goofing off anymore!

[Sighs]

All right. Let's try this again.

Hello, fellow mommies! Today...

Are you seriously passing
a note right in front of me?!

Ugh!

"I know she's your mom,
but our teacher blows chunks."

Teachers should be paid
a billion dollars a day.

And you know who should be paid more?

Moms! Because it is a horrible job.

Name one other job that you have
to take your annoying employees

on vacation with you.

I mean, come on!
Motherhood is the worst!

It's best described
as having a bowling ball

being ripped out of your hoo-ha

and then getting hit
over the head with it

for the rest of your life!

Hoo! That felt good!

Okay. Now that I got that out,

I've got to delete it and start over.

[Key clacks, computer beeps]

I don't think she meant to
post that. Should we tell her?

If there's anything
I've learned from Bob,

the leader of my mom's church...

don't interfere with fate
and let sleeping dogs lie.

He trained them to att*ck anyone
who tried to leave the compound.

♪

I just heard from Gentle Ginny.

She doesn't want to sponsor
my vlog anymore.

Apparently, instead of deleting
my meltdown, I posted it.

Well, at least you were being you,

and if they don't like it, screw 'em.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, hey. You're that schmuck
who stands outside

Stewart and Kingston's dressed
like the, uh, Quaker Oats guy.

It's a Revolutionary w*r uniform!

How is that better? [Chuckles]

Hey, Walker. Thanks for coming by.

Okay, but don't forget
our deal... I do this for you,

you don't rat me out to the manager.

I don't need him telling my parents

that I sneak four peach muffins a day.

Hmm. I promised them I wouldn't steal

or sit outside
that girl's house anymore.

- Why is he here?
- I want him to talk to the boys

and teach them a lesson about values.

Come on, Walker.

You sure you don't want
interior-design ideas

to make your house look
less terrible? I'm kidding.

Although this house is terrible.

♪

Cooper, Oliver,
I want you to meet Walker.

He is a -something trust-fund kid

with no ambition and no life skills

because he's been handed
everything without earning it.

Strong intro. 'Sup, fellas?

Oliver, who's this?

- My SAT tutor.
- I said no tutor!

I thought you didn't want
to pay for one.

And now you don't have to.
Cooper's gonna cover it.

You can't just keep using money
that's not yours.

And it's not yours, either.

If you keep sponging
off your mom and dad,

then Walker here is your future.

And it's rough, bud.

Walker? Is that you?

You know him?

I tutored him for six years
when he was in high school.

I developed a tic
and a dependency on Xanax.

Oh, hey, Roberta!

I'm sorry about your face
and drug addiction.

Wait. You're Walker Montgomery, right?

I think our parents know each other.

Yeah, um, actually...

they are yachting together
in the Mediterranean right now.

Corsica is so awesome this time of year.

- So much better than Saint-Tropez.
- So much better.

- Right?
- Walker!

You are here to tell Cooper that relying

on your parents' money turns you
into a shell of a human,

like you are now.

Yeah, sure, but first, uh,
the reason I'm here...

Coops, could you tell your
parents to tell my parents

that I have been working super hard

at Stewart and Kingston's
and they should just let me stop

working there to get my trust fund?

- Sure thing, dude.
- Sweet.

No! I brought you here to tell
them how pathetic you are!

OLIVER: Mom, he's just being smart.

He knows the trust-fund route
is the way to go,

and he's doing everything he can
to keep it going.

See? He's right. I am resourceful.

And if this doesn't work,

I'm planning on having myself kidnapped.

This was a real eye-opener, Mom.

Walker, out!

Uh, not before I school these two chumps

in "Seal Force Delta."

[Groans]

[Video-game g*nf*re and explosions]

You got a Xanax, Roberta?

♪

Did you give me an "A" on my
paper because you think I'm hot?

- I'm sorry?
- If I didn't earn the grade

fair and square,
I want to know about it.

Uh, Taylor. [Chuckles]

I-I can promise you that despite

the improper formatting
and numerous misspellings...

it appears autocorrect
was no match for you...

...your unique take on the assignment
really did earn you an "A."

And it had nothing to do with my looks?

Listen. Everybody writes
about Gandhi or Einstein.

Nonviolent resistance.
Smart at math. We get it.

Okay, but choosing to write
about "Dora the Explorer,"

that shows you're
an independent thinker.

Yeah, you know, I always try
to live my life like Dora.

Be adventurous, speak a little Spanish,

and never, ever swipe.

And always have a...

♪ Backpack, backpack ♪

- Hey!
- [Both chuckle]

You're unlike any student
I've ever had before.

Hmm.

Um, no one's ever disputed an "A."

I didn't want it if I didn't earn it.

Well, I'd never give you an "A" just
because I thought you were cute.

I mean, it's not that
I don't think you're cute.

You are very cute...

is something that I would
never say as your T.A.

I just thought I'd give you an example

of something a T.A. shouldn't say.

[Chuckles lightly] I'll see you around.

Not if I see you first.

And that's an example of something
no one should ever say.

[Chuckles]

♪

[Video-game g*nf*re and explosions]

[Man screams]

[Ringtone plays]

OLIVER: Walker, your phone's ringing.

[Man grunting]

It says "Mommy"?

[Gasps]

Hi, hi, hi!

What? What? Now?!

Can't she wait an hour?!
I'm with my friends!

You never understand!

Fine.

[Sighs]

Gotta bail, dudes.

I got to pick up Marsha from school.

Is that your daughter?

No, Marsha's my parents' show Poodle.

She's at agility training

and has a pedi-pedi appointment
right now.

Can we at least finish the game first?

Sorry, bruh.

When my parents
say do something, I gotta do it.

They control the money faucet.
You'll see one day, Coops.

♪

Cooper, I'm begging you. Don't.

I don't want to be a prisoner

- to my parents' money anymore.
- Don't do this!

So I'm officially handing over
my credit cards to you.

Wow! I'm proud of you, Cooper!

He rips my heart out,
and you praise him?!

I need to start learning
how to take care of myself.

What about my SAT tutor?

You're just gonna have to study
hard and do it on your own.

I know you can. You're muy intelligente.

This is madness. You've gone
through a lot of personal growth

since you've moved in here,
and it disgusts me.

I guess I'm one step closer
to becoming an Otto.

I have never heard that line
said proudly before.

♪

Time to delete Can-Do Katie's
mommy vlog.

Hey, wait. There's a lot
of comments on there.

"Great video, Katie.

Thank you for showing what it's
really like to be a mother."

- Aww.
- "All the other mommy vlogs

make me feel bad about myself."

"Finally, the truth about motherhood!

It's messy and frustrating."

There's so many of them.

So, I guess there are people
out there who like you for you.

- I guess I'll keep my vlog.
- Hmm.

But now, instead of "Can-Do Katie,"

it'll be called...

I got it. "A Real Mother."

You know, when people say
"a real mother,"

- it sort of insinuates...
- What?!

Nothing. Works for you either way.

Mm-hmm.

[Keys clacking]

"Harry Azcrac."

I get it now.

- I knew you would.
- [Chuckles]

So, I talked to Andre today.

He said I earned my "A" fair and square.

We know. We both read your
paper, and it was really great.

And just like Dad told me,
you were true to yourself,

and it paid off.

Good night.

Everyone's doing great
being themselves, except me.

I'm being myself, and I can't even get

more than six City Council signatures.

That's because it's politics,

the one place where being
yourself is a negative.

No one cares about this field
you want to save.

If you want to get elected,
you have to act like someone

in Westport that people can relate to.

Who's someone they can relate to?

A complete and total D-bag.

♪

Vote Greg Otto for City Council!

What do I stand for?

Green juice!

Labradoodles!

Refunds on bad facelifts! Eeh.