01x16 - Bag Lady

[bunniefuu]

♪

Taylor!

Get... out... of... bed.

Mom, go away.

No, it's : .

Oh, my G...

This place is a dump.

- Hey, I wasn't done with that quesadilla.
- No?

Enough moping around

because you hurt your stupid ankle

and can't play volleyball.

It's time to get on with your life.

I have no life to get on with.

"Oh, poor me.

I'm Taylor. I'm just so young and thin."

- Get your bony ass out of bed.
- But...

Or I'm gonna throw
the frozen wash cloth at you.

Not Señor Freezy!

Ugh. Stupid bag.

Hmm. Looks like I'm not the only
one making a mess around here.

Don't make me cut you.

♪

Mama, I need to start selling paintings

for my Paintings for Pandas
school fundraiser.

Anna-Kat, you should have gotten
started on this weeks ago.

It's due in two days.

I've had a lot going on.

There's been some crazy plot twists

on "Sofia the First."

Okay, listen up.

We're gonna call all your relatives

and ask them to buy a panda painting.

We'll start with Aunt Jean.

We're not getting anything out of her.

She gave me raisins for my birthday

in a baggy.

Anna-Kat, I'm your mother,

and I know how to get things done.

Call Aunt Jean.

First, I'm gonna look up
some fact about pandas.

I mean, we all know
they look like cuddly bandits,

but what do we really know?

Katie: That's the second daughter
who isn't listening to me.

Don't they realize that without
my strong hand guiding them,

they'd end up pregnant at

and running the front desk
at Just Tires?

- Oh, son of a...
- Language.

...bitch.

- Sorry.
- [Refrigerator opens]

All obscenity requests must be submitted

at least half an hour in advance.

- What's the matter?
- [Sighs]

I bought trash bags

from a different store
than I normally do,

and they don't work.

Why didn't you get
the ones we always get?

Because I went to Trader Joe's
for your almonds

and then Stew Leonard's
for your produce,

and then I was at Jeffers
for Anna-Kat's special yogurts

when I remembered we needed trash bags,

but I didn't have time
to make a Costco run,

so I bought Jeffers' trash bags,
which are clearly defective.

That's why.

I'm always surprised at where just
a simple question can take us.

These are going back.

It's not worth your time to return them.

That's what they're counting on.

They don't think that people
will drive all the way back

to return a $ box of trash bags.

But little do they know,
my time is worth nothing.

Okay.

♪

[Indistinct P.A. announcement]

Welcome to Jeffers!

You call these bags
a "Smart Buy," but they're not.

They're defective,
and I'd like my money back.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This box has been opened.

- We can't issue a refund.
- Okay.

You see, I wouldn't have known
the bags were defective

had I not opened the box

and used several of the defective bags.

Oh, I'm sorry.

There's nothing I can do.

I can, however, alert you
to a Smart Buy on aisle .

Tide Detergent,
Clean and fresh for only $ . .

Smart Buy!

I will not be seduced
by another Smart Buy.

Give me my money back.

Okay.

Since you're a loyal customer,

- I'll exchange this box for another one.
- Fine.

Do you have a receipt?

- You want a receipt?
- Yeah.

Well, clear your afternoon, buddy,

'cause you and me,

we're gonna find this receipt together.

♪

- [Door closes]
- Oh. How'd it go?

The manager exchanged the bags,

and I finally cleaned out my purse.

I found a key to who knows what,

six Velamints, and Oliver's retainer.

We grounded him for losing that.

I accused him of lying and made him pay

for a replacement out of his save jar.

This dies with us.

[Garbage can closes]

[Indistinct chatter in Korean on TV]

Have you been on the couch all day?

[TV shuts off]

I was watching that!

Yeah, she's gone all in on those
Korean soap operas.

I need to find out if Yay-Sun

is going to marry that shipping magnate.

It is time for you to find
your new calling.

Now, since there's been
no motivation on your end,

I've jotted down some suggestions

of what could replace
volleyball for you.

- Join the school paper.
- No.

- Art class.
- Not me.

- Photography.
- Lame.

- You're lame.
- She actually is lame,

on account of her ankle.

I-I don't understand
why you're forcing me

to do something I don't want to do.

Because I know what's best.

So you have one minute to decide
on another activity,

or I will decide it for you.

Katie, she may just need
a little more time to think about it.

Greg, side bar.

Why the hell are you agreeing
with her and not me?

Traditionally in a sidebar,

we would have a discreet
conversation to the side.

Mom, I want Dad
to help me out with this one.

You do?

Yeah. You're also my parent.

As a matter of fact, I am.
Sure, I'll take this one.

Teenage daughter
is a high level of difficulty.

- Yes. I live with her, too.
- Okay.

But don't come running back to me

when she sh**t down
every one of your ideas.

Irish step dancing?

The doctor said I can't do
any strenuous activity.

See? She's impossible!

Okay.

Let's call Aunt Jean and start
selling your paintings.

No. Oliver said that calling people's not
the way to save the most pandas.

Since when are you interested
in anything Anna-Kat does?

Not now, not ever,

but whoever sells
the most panda paintings

gets a GameStop gift card.

You only have two more days,
so you're working with me.

[Sighs] Sorry, Oliver.

I have to do what the Colonel says.

The Colonel?

[Sighs]

Did she just call me "The Colonel"?

What is that about?

Somebody speak!

You, who still needs bedtime stories.

Okay. Don't be mad.

Your full nickname is

Colonel Beatrice von Beige
Underpants Control Freak.

I don't know where to start first.

Beige works under everything.

And I am not controlling.

You people just need
to be told what to do.

Spoken like a true

Colonel Beatrice von Beige
Underpants Control Freak.

[Laughs] Not cool, buddy.

If you all are so capable
without me, fine.

Greg, you help Taylor.

Oliver, you handle Anna-Kat. I'm out.

But you'll all come running back,

and when you do, I'll give you
my best condescending mom smile.

[All groan]

Oh, we hate that smile.

That's why I do it.

Ugh! These are defective, too!

I'd strangle that manager
with one of these

if didn't think it would break!

You guys have a nickname for me?

- Super Dad!
- Oh, that's nice.

Way to think on your feet.

How about the school gardening club?

Yeah, because I'm super into dirt.

- What are you guys doing?
- Oh, just brainstorming.

- Figuring out my future.
- Yeah, we're making progress.

Yeah. Dad hasn't yelled at me once.

Great. Good luck.

I'm staying out of your lives

because you all have it under control.

- Your screen's too bright.
- It was fine the way it was.

Okay. Go blind.

Just know I've never seen

a pair of sunglasses look good on you.

Leave it.

[Door opens]

Oh, Taylor,

the synchronized swim coach
got back to me.

Technically, tryouts are over,

but there's one
available spot on the team

if you want to meet with the coach.

I can't imagine there's anything
but available spots.

I think you'd be great at it,
and your physical therapist said

that water resistance is good
for building up strength,

and this sport is very low impact.

Great, so I'll have
a strong ankle and zero friends.

Look.

We're on the spot here with Mom.

If we screw this up,

we'll never have a say
in our own lives again,

and we'll get the condescending smile.

Ugh. Fine.
I'll try synchronized swimming.

That smile makes me want
to jump off a bridge.

As long you're holding my hand
when you do it.

♪

So, you think
this is how you score yourself

some new video games?

I do.

It's very easy to say no
over the phone, Mom.

But...

how do you say no to this?

It's true.

She's so much cuter
than the rest of you.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you like to buy a painting
to help save the pandas?

Actually, I'm late to meet a friend.

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

It's the sound of pandas dying.

[Weakly] "Save me."

I'll take six.

Colonel Beatrice von Beige
Underpants Control Freak.

Please tell me you are not
still wearing beige underpants.

If sadness were a piece of clothing,

it'd be beige underpants.

Man, I hope my kids have
a nickname for me

like the "The Hammer"
or "Dream m*rder*r."

[All chuckle]

It's not fair.

What they call controlling,
I call being a good mother.

Why don't you just look at this

as an opportunity
to enjoy the free time?

I know. It's crazy.

But without solving problems
for my family,

I'm just some chick running
errands in ugly underwear.

So take all that free time
and go buy some new undies,

maybe something in the red family,

something non-hospice-y.

[Laughs]

Katie, believe me, your family
is gonna fall apart without you.

Yeah, they are, and when they do,

I'm gonna give them
a condescending mom smile.

Oh, I do one of those,
but I do it while I tear

the heads off their favorite stuffies.

Doris, sometimes I prefer

- you don't take my side on things.
- Yeah.

Angela, can you help me file
a class action lawsuit against Jeffers

for selling faulty garbage bags
to busy mothers?

No.

But as your legal counsel,
I strongly suggest

you stop talking to us about it.

♪

I didn't realize synchronized
swimming was so cool.

I like pools, and I'm a follower.

It's, like, the perfect sport for me.
[Chuckles]

When's your first day
as a Westport Water Lily?

Practice tomorrow.

I don't mean to gloat,
but tomorrow, the first of March,

shall be a day that lives
in parenting infamy.

I solved a problem your mother couldn't.

I'm gonna give her
my condescending smile.

Ohh. I got to work on that.

It reads more handsome.

Wait, did you say tomorrow's the first?

- Yeah.
- Oh, no.

- What?
- Great.

First day in the pool,
and I'm gonna get my...

Ugh!

Can we stop by CVS on the way home?

- What, do you need nose plugs?
- No, Dad.

I need... girl stuff.

Okay. Got it.

- Maybe I should just text Mom.
- No, I'm cool.

The human body is an amazing machine,

and menstruation is part
of that miracle.

- I'm gonna text Mom.
- Taylor, it's no big deal.

I'll just give you my wallet,
and you go in and get what you need.

No contacting Mom, period.

[Sighs]

- I'm gonna turn on the radio, I think.
- Yeah.

["Hold Your Breath" plays on radio]

[Door opens]

Hey, tell your mom the good news.

I made the synchronized swimming team.

- [Door closes]
- Oh.

I didn't know you were
interested in that.

Me neither,
but it was all Dad... his idea.

Great.

It's sport, and she can do it
with her bad ankle.

I got it.

What's in the bag?

Oh, nothing.

Just some stuff I needed to pick up.

Dad took care of that, too.

- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles]

- You're really k*lling it, aren't ya?
- Well, I don't know. I...

Yeah. I kind of am.

[Door opens]

Hey, guys. How'd it go?

We sold

- almost panda paintings.
- What?

Pandas saved.

Bam!

Well, looks like everybody
is doing just great.

I should probably go
to someplace where I'm needed.

- I'm going to Jeffers.
- We're going with you.

Anna-Kat, let's up our game.

- I want pigtails.
- Got it.

♪

[Indistinct P.A. announcement]

How's your day going so far?

Who? Me?

- Mm-hmm.
- Good, thanks.

Well, it's about to take
a turn for the worse

if you buy these defective trash bags.

I'll be okay.

No.

No, you're not gonna be okay.

Trust me... these bags will betray you.

- Look, it's been a long day.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm going to buy these bags
and be on my way.

You have to listen to me.
I know what's best for you.

Just let me do what I want!

I can't stand by and
watch you make poor choices.

These bags are no good.

Learn from my experiences.
I have so much to offer.

[Grunts]

- Got it!
- [Box thuds]

You are making a terrible mistake.

Manager: Okay, lady, that's enough.

You're out of here forever!

♪

Ooh, beige!

Manager: Hey, you!

Scatter!

We'll reconvene at the Wendy's
across the street.

We signed up new people
for panda paintings.

Brings the total up to .

[Chuckles] That's a lot of painting.

What do I care?

We'll just pick them up
from the painting people.

[Chuckles]

You are the painting people.

What?

Who did you think was going to paint?

The pandas?

Maybe.

[Laughs]

Boy, you are stupid.

Taylor: Dad, call Mom!

Is everything okay?
What do you need Mom for?

It's the tampons.
I don't know how to use them.

I don't understand.

I've only ever used the other things.

Oh, you mean the things
that Anna-Kat uses

as lounge chair cushions
for her Barbies?

Yes, and you can't use those
in the pool.

Well, didn't the new things
come with instructions?

Yes, but I read them,

and they're just weird and confusing,

and then I watched some YouTube videos,

and they were even more confusing,

- and I think I'm missing a piece!
- Of your body?

Dad, gross! No! The tampon.

Oh.

You know, honey, it's okay. I got this.

You don't "got this."

You get upset when Mom
leaves them on the counter.

Okay, okay. I'm calling your Mom.

I just see that smile already.

Should have pushed harder
for garden club.

It's ringing, Taylor. Hang on tight.

[Cellphone rings]

Hey, Greg. You're on speaker.

Uh, yeah, I need to talk to you,

and it's really not
speakerphone material.

Anna-Kat's on Mars.

You... cover your ears.

I don't need to cover my ears.

- I tune you out naturally.
- Ugh.

I-It's about Taylor.

Oh!

I thought you had
everything under control.

Yeah, okay.

So, um, she's getting
her... monthly bill,

and she's decided to pay it differently

so she can get in the pool.

What are you talking ab...

Oh!

Taylor's using a tampon
for the first time.

Apparently, yes.

Headphones! Where are the headphones?!

And the instructions that came
with them are a little confusing.

Instructions? You mean the pamphlet.

Ignore the pamphlet.

They always tell you to put
a leg up on the toilet.

What kind of idiot advice is that?

Aah, my phone's dead. My phone's dead!

Mom says not to feel bad.
The instructions can be misleading.

- Taylor: What does she say to do?
- W... [Sighs]

Do you want
to just talk to her yourself?

- It won't fit.
- I know!

Okay.

All right, go.

Mom said there's a thin part
and a thick part.

Without putting it... where it belongs,

put the thin part into the thick part

so you can see how it works.

Now, the cottony part
is what you insert.

But not the string.

Do not lose track of the string.

[Cellphone clatters]

Childhood over.

Taylor: What's Mom saying?

She's saying way, way too much.

[Tires screech]

The Colonel is here. Stand down.

Thank you, sir.

I always hung out with older girls,

so I learned how to use them

at a sleepover
at Karen Gilcrest's house.

She and Patty Squillante

screaming instructions at me
under the bathroom door.

It was awful.

Did you figure it out?

Not that day.

I crawled out the window and ran home.

Thank God I had on
my Always MAXI pad with Wings

- for an active lifestyle.
- [Both laugh]

I'm sorry for being
such a jerk to you earlier.

It's all right. I'm sorry, too.

Actually, I'm not sorry at all.

You had to get off the couch.

- You're right.
- Now, come on.

I will show you
how Lisa Pickett taught me

to make a bong
out of a cardboard applicator.

- No, thanks.
- That was a test. Good girl.

[Chuckles]

Oliver: Mom, can you come
down here for a second?

♪

You need me?

It's been, like, minutes

and Anna-Kat hasn't even finished

one stupid panda painting yet.

I warmed up by painting a dog.

We've got, like, hours
to do over of these things.

There's no way we can deliver.

We've taken people's money.

We'll be put away for fraud.

I want my first white-collar
crime to mean something.

If you had asked my advice,
I could have told you

that a -year-old
never thinks things through.

That's why they lean back in the chair

and get dry macaroni stuck
in their nose.

Well, I need you now.

Be the Colonel. Take control. Fix it.

All you had to do was ask.

Greg, Taylor, get in here!

All hands on deck.

We've got a situation.

First thing that needs
to be done is this...

[All groan]

Okay. Anna-Kat, get every
art supply from upstairs

that you've ever squirreled away
and bring it down here.

Oliver, we need to paint,

so cover every flat surface
in the house.

With what?

♪

I finally found something
those bags were good for.

Sure, I don't need to control
every situation in this family,

but things just work better when I do.

Ah, man.

Why do you keep using those?

[Sighs] I don't know.

I can't fix everything.

You fixed everything for us today.

It's time we return the favor.

We're going to Jeffers.

Really?

Absolutely.

What's the plan?

I'll come with something, you'll nix it,

and we'll do what you want to do.

I love it.

♪

[Indistinct chatter]

Everybody knows what to do?

Yes. I keep the stock boy busy.

I'm on the lookout in beverages.

And I'll take out the manager.

Oliver, you're with me.

Let's move!

Oh. Can I help you?

[Voice breaking] Have you seen my mommy?

I don't know where I lost her.

Oh.

[Cries]

♪

Now, what's the difference
between % and % milk?

Uh, %?

Very good. Very good.

[Shoppers gasp]

There really should be
some sort of warning sign.

♪

Now that we've solved that mystery,

let's unpack the mystery of... Kenny.

How did you end up in this crazy place?

[Crying]

Um, okay, okay. Cal... Calm down.

Um, okay, can you tell me
what your mother looks like?

She's soft...

and cuddly,
and she smells really nice...

and I'm never gonna see her...

[Person whistles]

[Normal voice] Never mind.

♪

Mission complete.

Mommies of the world, you're welcome.

I wanted it to say,
"These bags suck [bleep]"

but I ran out of room.

[g*nf*re]

Don't go in there. You're gonna
get blown up immediately.

- [expl*si*n]
- Uh, told ya.

If you want to play, play.

I don't want to play.

Strafe left, Anna-Kat. Strafe left!

What's a strafe?

Hit the front button.

Gi...

Give it to me.

[Machine-g*n fire]

[Shells clinking]

Oh, come on!

You can't sh**t me in the face
and then dance over my dead body.

Yes, I can, because I just did.

[Projectile whistles]