05x09 - Just the Two of Us

[bunniefuu]

Okay, we've got four deliveries.

Let's hit the road, Grandma.

_ Hey!

People paid for that food.

_ Cattleman's To-Go doesn't stand for Cattleman's to-go-out-of-business, okay? Don't make me kick you out.

_ _ How do you even have a license?
Hey!

_ _ What is this? Bats mating?

_ _ A person is making this noise?

An angel.

I'm changing it back.

I can slap all day.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Next up, it's what you've all been waiting for, 88.7 FM's "The Lurch" giveaway!

Call in to win the biggest prize of the year!

Everybody ready? Fingers nimble? So nimble.

I've been practicing my dial.

One-point-seven seconds flat.

Home phone, Grandma's phone...

whose phone is this? Derek Jeter was hitting on you? I know you don't like men, Nicole, but you could've at least gotten a gift bag.

- Honey, get off the phone!

- Sorry, Jessica!

Okay all you radio-heads...

haha...

it's time to get on those phones!

Caller 88 wins the big prize, starting now!

Wait for it...

wait for it..

go, go, go!

- Busy signal!

- Us, too!

Hello? Congratulations, you're caller number 88!

We won!

I knew we could do it, we are a well-oiled machine.

Like B2-D2.

Now, as our lucky winner, you get to choose your grand prize... a resort getaway for two - at Sandturtles...

- Sounds expensive.

...or the brand-new Office '98 software bundle!

The entire bundle? Including Access? - Access to what? - Who cares?!

So, what'll it be? Well, obviously the getaway, right? Definitely.

I could really use a weekend by the pool.

Lie back, relax, soak up some rays...

UV rays, not stingrays.

I wasn't confused.

Bundle!

Bundle!

Bundle!

How do we tell the boys? We're taking Sandturtles.

Cool beans, the getaway it is!

- Nooooooooo!

- Come on!

You don't need a computer.

You have your brains.

Now, I'm assuming this vacation package comes with a free bathing suit.

I like the ones with the little skirt on them so I can twirl.

Sorry guys, the bundle sounds good, but your mom really needs this.

Totally fine, I'll just keep writing my school essays in Paint.

Oh, that sounds cool.

So my birthday party is gonna be epic.

Phase one, laser tag.

Phase two, pizza.

The square kind.

Phase three, an appearance by a special guest.

Hint...

he went to UMass Amherst.

Trent just sat on my sunglasses.

You can't say anything...

he's a guest.

- So you're coming, right, Eddie? - Definitely.

I need something to look forward to after a whole week of driving with Grandma.

Why? Grandma is fascinating.

Lots of layers to that gal.

I'd love a day in the car with her.

Not with the Chinese opera she plays.

And every time I try to put in my O.G.

Best of '95 mix, she slaps me.

Eddie, you've been mainlining hardcore rap since you were 9.

You gotta ease your grandma in with the soft stuff.

Hmm.

Kinda like how my dad eased me into wasabi with horseradish.

I just need to find the horseradish of rap.

Let's cr*ck open those Case Logics.

Yeah.

These aren't mine.

These are Dad's.

Why are these sunglasses so small? Wow.

This place is beautiful.

It's like an Olive Garden and a Tommy Bahama store got together and made a resort baby.

We earned this.

Let's find out how much we earned.

Hi, how much did you pay for this vacation? Does it start with a four? Five? Six? It doesn't really matter how much it costs, as long as it gets our marriage back on track.

What? Sandturtles is a place for troubled couples to rehabilitate their marriages.

See, there's an entire itinerary planned for this weekend.

Ugh.

From 2:00 to 2:30, we're washing each other's areolas? Auras.

- The emanation of our souls.

- Ugh!

That is even worse.

There must be some kind of a mistake.

We're just here for vacation.

Great, Kelly, now they're upset.

You're always oversharing.

Well, you're too private!

Well, I like to think!

Well, watching you think is boring!

Oh, really, Kelly? No matter what happens, I'm not returning the swimsuit.

I already ripped out the liner.

I was just thinking.

Could you imagine if a dog got loose back here? Boy, oh, boy.

We should go get gas.

_ Better to be safe than sorry.

Speaking of safe, I know you didn't like my rap music before, but that was because I should've eased you in.

Introducing Will Smith.

He's the horseradish of rap.

He never cusses, and he only raps about soft stuff like aliens, summertime, and going to Miami.

I will allow it.

Awesome.

And when you're ready, we'll go up the rap chain...

Mase, Puff Daddy, Jay-Z, DMX, until we get to Biggie.

He's the toughest guy out there.

He's kinda who I take after, you know.

Really? You're not Biggie.

You're Will Smith...

soft.

Hi.

Uh, sorry to interrupt your...

deodorant check...

but we heard you're the owner of this resort? Yes, I'm Guru Sheela, and I was just starting my day with a little self-hug.

A self-hug sounds nice.

That's how I stand on the train.

We heard this is a couples' retreat? And there are classes all weekend? We don't have classes.

We have journeys.

Pass.

We're just gonna go sit by the pool.

So, everyone at Sandturtles is required to follow the itinerary so that we can all bond over a shared experience, okay? So you can go through the program or leave.

Oh, um...

I want to go in the pool and then in the hot tub and back in the pool.

All right, look, Googoo Sheela, is it? Here's the deal.

Our marriage is great.

Louis and I are like a well-oiled machine.

We're not like the other suckers that paid to be here.

I mean, uh, this place is lovely and you seem very sweet, but...

We don't need this garbage.

I think you do.

The greater the resistance, the greater the need.

- That sounds like some commie bull...

- Okay, you know what? We're...

We're gonna, uh, hit the guava station, and then we'll be back.

I have to go say good morning to the sun.

Of course you do.

Can you believe that woman? She thinks we need to be here? - We don't have any problems!

- Let's just load up on towels and go.

No.

We're gonna prove to her that we're the best couple here.

We're gonna stay.

And we're gonna win.

I don't think this is a competition.

It is now.

- And we are going to win.

- Okay.

Welcome all to Sandturtles, the preeminent healing place for broken couples.

Together, we are going to find the nexus of all of your problems.

Is there a trophy for the winner? Well, my hope is that by the end of the retreat, you'll all be winners and that the trophy you'll leave with is the partner you came with.

You could've just said "no." So, here at Sandturtles, you are no longer individuals.

You are now units, and as such, I'm going to ask you right now to name those new units.

- Let the work begin.

- Okay.

How about "Best Couple Here"? Or "No Problem Havers"? No, those are awesome, but, you know, I can't get comfortable.

- It's these mats.

- I know.

My back is acting up, too.

Let me ask for some chairs.

Googoo Sheela.

- I'm hearing you.

- These mats are hurting our back.

Can we get some chairs? So, here at Sandturtles, we prefer you closer to the ground.

It's where human beings are the most vulnerable.

To what? Snakes? Uh, Jessica was just joking.

We don't need chairs.

Thank you so much.

This retreat has been great so far.

Good.

Good.

What was that about? None of the other couples asked for chairs.

- You want to win, right? - No, I want Mr.

Stupid and his wife, Mrs.

Idiot, to win.

Our new name is Starfish.

We both love the ocean, and starfishes are just so cool.

Yeah, actually, uh, the plural of "starfish" is "starfish," so, hence our name, Starfish.

You're always criticizing me in front of other people.

I-I don't know why I do that.

I'm sorry.

I've never heard you say that before.

Starfish has found their nexus.

Snaps for Starfish.

Great work, you guys.

Our name is...

Jessica.

Uh, we wanted to combine our names, but we couldn't choose "Jouis" for obvious reasons, and "Lessica" just sounds negative.

I did pitch Lewbacca, like...

...but that was also nixed.

Interesting.

Moving on.

Wait, wait!

No "Snaps for Jessica"? Oh, come on, Starfish.

I snapped for you.

Can't force a snap.

Can you believe Grandma said I was Will Smith? She called me soft!

A lot of great things are soft...

pillows, marshmallows...

Gnocchi...

We could go on all day.

I'm sure you could, because you're soft.

But I'm not!

On my first day of school, a kid insulted me, and I smashed his hand in a microwave.

I'm hardcore.

That's me.

That's who I am.

I don't see what the big deal is.

How would you like it if Grandma called you disorganized? Exactly.

_ How is that our song? Grandma, I am not Will Smith.

Will Smith is for softies like Evan and Emery.

_ It's better to be safe than s...

Oh, is that one of Biggie's rap lines? _ _ What? But I'm Carlton.

Now, this next exercise is called "Love Sandwich," a test of communication.

Get into positions.

Let's begin.

Okay, first we need the bread.

It's on the right.

Your right or my right? We're facing the same direction, there's only one right!

Oh, uh...

Oh, got it.

- Oh, just rip it open.

- And waste all that bread? - Just do it!

- Okay, uh, your right hand, 45 degrees to the left.

Yep.

There's the jar.

Okay, back to center.

Great.

Now, left hand, okay, uh, right below you is the Kn*fe.

Okay, be careful.

Be careful.

Don't cut yourself.

Oh, thanks babe.

I won't.

Wonderful.

Great communication.

Snaps for Starfish.

Stop snapping!

You're wasting time!

Keep your head in the game.

You know what? Switch.

Uh...

Okay, I have the Kn*fe, now where's the jam? Where's the jam, Louis?!

Stop swinging!

You're gonna cut me!

We did it!

Mmm.

Aww, it tastes just like our honeymoon, babe.

- Aww.

- Ugh.

- We just lost because of you.

- Me? Yes.

If you hadn't been so busy snapping for Starfish, we would've won.

It should be us tasting their honeymoon right now.

Terry-cloth bathrobes are soft...

Feathers... flower petals...

My face after I moisturize.

Whoa.

Cool outfit, Eddie.

Yeah, looking fly!

Oof, as soon as I said that, I knew it wasn't me.

Thanks, boys.

Gotta rep hard at Trent's b-day, ya know? Oh, please.

Grandma, you got to check it.

You don't understand me at all.

Isn't that a Will Smith song, "Grandparents Just Don't Understand"? For the last time, I am not Will Smith.

If anyone is soft around here, it's you.

You read cartoons every day.

And my mom paints your fingernails.

Now let's go.

I don't want to be late for Trent's birthday.

- I'm not coming.

- What? But I can't drive without you.

I have cartoons to read.

You know what? Fine.

Biggie wouldn't need his grandmother anyways.

I can drive my damn self.

Um...

cotton balls? I think the game is over.

I can't believe we failed another exercise.

We almost had it.

Okay, now turn to the left.

Take three giant steps.

Okay, now swim!

Guru Sheela never said the pool was off limits!

That was the most direct path.

I don't know why this keeps happening to us.

We are obviously the best couple here.

The only reason we're failing is because Sandturtles is crazy.

I run a restaurant.

I know how to make a sandwich.

And why does everything have to involve blindfolds? We are both blessed with sight.

And "find the nexus of your problems"? Uh, Earth to Sheela, there is no nexus, we don't have any problems.

You're just nutty.

All we wanted was a relaxing weekend by the pool.

Let's go find Guru Sheela and talk some sense into her.

Sounds good.

But can you give me like two minutes? I can't go outside with wet hair.

I'll achoo.

Guru Sheela, we need to talk.

Louis and I don't need to do your crazy exercises to show we're a good couple.

So for the rest of the weekend, we're sitting by the pool, and that is final.

I see.

And is this what Jessica wants, or is this what Jessica wants? Jessica just needs some pool time.

Me? You wanted this, too.

You just said in the room, "These exercises are all crazy, Guru Sheela is a nutbag!" No, no, no.

I didn't use the term "nutbag." You know what? We thought we didn't have any problems, but we do.

It's you.

You're the nexus.

- What, me? - Yes, you.

You are so busy being the good guy.

That's why we lost the sandwich competition.

Not a competition.

You always make me do the dirty work, and I'm sick of it.

Yes, there it is.

Snaps for Jessica.

Will you please stop snapping?!

I was just celebrating the breakthrough.

And if you two want to explore this further, I would suggest the penguin hug exercise.

Not a chance.

I think we're just gonna explore it here, - but it does sound cute.

- Okay.

There you go again, hanging me out to dry, like an Italian woman's laundry.

I'm sorry.

I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.

What about me? You always make me do the dirty work and then you don't even back me up.

Like when I asked Guru Sheela for the chairs.

Well, I don't want to anger someone who clearly has access to potions.

It's not just this retreat.

It happens all the time.

Like the other day with the boys.

We both wanted this vacation and not the bundle, but I had to be the one to tell them.

But that's your thing...

you tell it like it is.

I thought you liked doing that.

Just 'cause I'm great at it doesn't mean I enjoy it.

You think Biggie would stop? Naw.

He would push through, like a G.

Crap.

You were right.

I'm soft.

I ran out of gas and had to walk home because I was too scared to hitch a ride.

And then I got freaked out because I thought I saw a wolf.

Turned out to be a cat.

A kitten.

Come, I'll help you.

♪ Psycho react from a drunk kick ♪ ♪ You better back up before I turn into a nine clip ♪ ♪ Loaded, now the fools in the ground lookin' moldy ♪ ♪ It's a g*ng of us ♪ ♪ You know, you know, you know, you know, yeah ♪ How'd you learn to do all that? _ _ _ _ What was in them? _ _ Whoa.

How come you didn't tell me about this before? When you've lived a hard life, you'd rather not be reminded of it.

So that's why you like soft stuff like Garfield and Will Smith.

I only call you Will Smith because you're a good kid.

And you're lucky.

You don't have to live a hard life unless you want to.

You want to try? Ugh!

Oh damn, it burns!

Holy crap!

How do you handle that?!

And remember, like actual sand turtles, you need to keep returning to the resort and laying your eggs of love.

Now, snaps for everyone.

What a miserable weekend.

Here comes Starfish.

Oh, my God, you guys, this has been such an amazing weekend.

Right? Hey, we should keep these good times going, huh? You want to have a drink? No, I don't want to.

Okay.

Uh, are you sure? Yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry about him.

He hates drinks.

And he hates good times.

If it were up to me, I would totally go.

Great, just the three of us, then.

Huh? First round of Mai Tais is on Ken, okay? So, you a fan of the Devil Rays yet? Nope, I'm out.

I just remembered...

I can't go get drinks with you because I don't like you.

Bye.

Ugh.

I couldn't do it.

I broke.

- I saw.

- I don't know how you do it.

My cheeks hurt from fake-smiling so hard.

I don't know how you could be the bad guy.

My heart is b*ating so fast.

You would've gone to the bar with them.

Yeah, and I would've bought season tickets to the Devil Rays.

You're right.

I do like being the bad guy.

Yeah, but instead of hanging you out to dry, I could do a better job of supporting you.

And maybe once in a while I could tone down my public thunder.

Oh, crap.

She was right.

We did need this.

Mm.

Penguin hug? Yes.

Action.

Mom, Dad, you're home!

How was your vacation? You must be so tired.

The type of tired where cooking sounds terrible.

Hey, yeah, great point, Evan.

What do you say we order a pizza? What an idea, Emery!

Nice try.

You're not getting pizza.

Pizza!

Pizza!

Pizza!

Pizza!

You heard your mom.

No pizza.

That was so hard.

Don't worry.

It gets easier.

Y'know, after two days of guava, pizza did sound good.

We'll order one after they go to bed.

Okay, Grandma, let's kick this off Big Willie-style...

Hey!

What was that for? You're tougher than I thought.

You have graduated to Mase.

♪ What you know about goin' out? ♪ ♪ Head west, red Lex ♪ - ♪ TVs all up in the headrest ♪ - I'll take it.

- ♪ Try and live it up ♪ - Mase is way harder than Will Smith.

♪ Ride true, bigger truck, piece all glittered up ♪ ♪ Stick up kid, what? ♪ - ♪ Bad, bad, bad, bad boy ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪ - Delivery tax.

- ♪ You make me feel so good ♪ - ♪ Bad boy ♪ - ♪ You know you make me feel so good ♪ ♪ You know you make me feel so good ♪ Congratulations, you're caller number 12!

You've won our weekly giveaway...

We don't want the prize.

Uh, excuse me? You lied to us.

We thought we were getting a relaxing resort vacation, instead, you made us work on our marriage.

Not cool, bro.

Not cool.

I...

I'm sorry? - Yeah, you should be.

- Okay.

Well, do you still want the prize you just won, or...? What is it? A package of hand towels!

- Yes, yes, a hundred percent yes.

- Now, that's a prize.

Ooh, party!