06x03 - Grandma's Boys

[bunniefuu]

And then I moved to Ohio...

Akron, Ohio, rubber capital of the world.

He's at the 20-minute mark.

Louis, make it stop.

Never.

I'm riveted.

What a life.

And it was there that I adopted a little pet alligator I nicknamed Rocky.

His given name was Rico.

- Rocky, baby!

- Rocky.

All teeth and all love.

That's my best Navy buddy, Clyde Roses.

He followed me out to the Rust Belt.

We worked the line at the GM plant together.

And if anybody needs auto parts, I have a scrapyard in Pine Hills.

You got a spoiler for a station wagon?

Spoiler alert...

I do.

Now, uh, before we call it a night, there is one more thing...

- Your retirement present.

- Ohh.

You're getting me my very own flagpole for the yard?

Oh, honey, it's the perfect gift.

Thank you, thank you.

Wait.

I have an announcement.

Grandma, if you fart right now, it'd be the perfect joke.

Retire from what?

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪ ♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪ ♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪ ♪ Fresh off the boat ♪ ♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪ ♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪ ♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪ I'm just gonna say it.

Does anyone know what Grandma's retiring from?

No idea.

I am so happy you brought that up.

I was standing there last night thinking, "What on Earth?" I have made a list of my preferred retirement gifts.

Any one will do.

Just a gift?

No party?

The answers you seek are on the list.

Drum kit?

Hot tub?

Trip to Jamaica for one?

She wouldn't like Jamaica.

The post-colonial poverty would bum her out.

Kid gets one Bob Marley CD.

This list is crazy.

Because she expects me to dismiss it.

She wants a retirement party, but she's too proud to ask.

Or she's just using that retirement as an excuse to get a gift.

Well, can I afford to take the chance?

I don't give her this party, and then she'll seek revenge, and I just don't have the time for that.

Totally get it.

It's a lotta work, but I'm happy to do it.

She deserves to be celebrated.

Can someone agree with me?

- Sure.

- Yep.

- What a woman.

- No.

I know I seemed to be my usual fun self at breakfast, but underneath that mirth, I'm full of fear.

- Why?

- We have a problem.

At Marvin's party last night, I overheard him gossiping about his patients.

About a month ago, I was at his office for a dental procedure.

What's so funny?

Oh, nothing.

You just told us a funny secret while you were under the gas.

Don't worry.

I won't tell anybody.

Dentist-Patient confidentiality.

Marvin retiring means that the Dentist-Patient confidentiality is over.

That's why he's blabbing about his ex-patients.

He can freely tell my secret with no consequences.

But, Evan, it's you.

If you have any secrets, they're baby secrets.

Like you befriended a ladybug and then accidentally stepped on it.

R.I.P., Spottypants.

But I do have a big boy secret.

And it could hurt us all.

Marvin operated on my teeth the day after the best day of our lives.

- No.

- Yep.

I might've told him about "Reggie." - Reggie?

- Reggie.

Congrats, Jenny!

It's amazing, you put in all those years, doing...

what you did.

No longer, though.

Yeah...

Yeah, you did a great job at that...

the job.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Hey, Carol-Joan, those lip injections are looking good.

I only did it to be a better whistler.

You were right.

He's a blabber box.

Uh, hello.

I want to thank you all for joining us to celebrate my mother's retirement.

Now, if you could all turn your attention to the screen, I put together a little retrospective.

♪ You're simply the best ♪ ♪ Better than all the rest ♪ ♪ Better than anyone ♪ ♪ Anyone I ever met ♪ ♪ You're simply the best ♪ I had to imagine myself while I was singing that for it to feel real.

Uh, Ma, you simply are the best.

Uh, and now that you're retiring from, uh...

Uh...

y-you'll have time to, uh, make new memories with all of us.

Um, now, is there anything you'd like to say to everyone?

I love you all.

Now I'm ready for my gift.

Oh.

Uh, well...

Uh...

The party is kind of the gift.

Oh.

Then it was not necessary.

You should have just bought me a hot tub.

Um...

I'm sorry this nice party isn't enough for you, but a hot tub is just impractical.

It's a big responsibility.

Who'd wash it?

Who'd pay for its utility bills?

Who'd, uh, take care of it when we're out of town?

Uh, maybe we start you with a foot bath.

Maybe you start me with a hot tub.

Trent, the room is dying.

Give me "Rolling on the River." It's called "Proud Mary." And it's in D major, so good luck.

I still can't believe you told Marvin about Reggie.

Hey, lay off!

I didn't even want anything to do with "Reggie." It was your guys' idea, and you pressured me to go.

Really?

So, you didn't want to cut piano class, drive across state lines to meet Reginald VelJohnson, AKA Carl Winslow, read his memoir at the Georgia Tech Student Union?

Please!

Guys, it doesn't matter who's to blame.

We're all guilty.

Well, Evan ratted on us, so he should take the heat and tell Mom and Dad he did it by himself.

Whoa, whoa!

That's crazy!

We don't even know if I told him anything.

Why don't we just ask Marvin if he knows?

Dummy, if he didn't know, we'd be telling him our secret by asking.

Public schools are failing our children.

The only way to make sure Marvin stays quiet is to find out a secret about him to use against him.

Shut those loose lips with leverage.

If anyone knows a secret about Marvin, it's got to be his old Navy buddy.

This is a punch card for Chubby Burger.

Oh, whoops.

I'm so close to a free egg.

This cuff link!

Why won't it come out?!

Louis, you know you shouldn't undress when you're upset.

Remember when you tore your pants after watching "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo"?

Why is Schneider wasting our time?

Just make the movie version of the "Makin' Copies" guy!

I just can't believe my mom tonight.

Louis, so she didn't like your party.

Why are you so upset?

It's not just tonight.

She does this all the time.

I do everything for her, but do I ever get a thank-you?

One thank-you?

How can she be so ungrateful?

It's frustrating.

I know.

Mother-son relationships are complicated.

Remember last week with Evan?

I just bought this soy milk, and you leave it out to spoil?

I'm sorry, Mommy.

I know we have car insurance, but do we have mailbox and tree insurance?

It's all about perspective.

Compared to perfection, Evan messed up.

Compared to Eddie, Evan is a saint.

Wait.

That's it.

My mom has her own Eddie.

Gene!

I'll invite my jackass brother over to visit, and he'll annoy Mom so much, she'll see how good she has it with me!

No, Louis!

His voice is too loud and his clothes are too colorful.

And his cologne.

He's tough on all the senses.

Exactly.

I'll tell him Mom's retiring, and he'll rush out here.

Oh, God.

Hurricane Gene is coming to Orlando.

Hello, brother.

Your face is like a sunrise in my heart.

Each leaf in this tea has a story.

Gene, you seem a little different.

Not just seem.

I am.

You see, I had a near-death experience.

Oh, no!

What happened?

I was at the Singapore zoo.

I climbed on the railings to make faces at the lions.

Then I fell in the pit.

- What?!

- As that lioness was clawing my chest, I realized life is precious and we must value every moment while we have on this Earth.

He's not a hurricane.

He's a warm breeze on a hot summer day.

This is great.

This new Gene is more annoying than ever.

So, Gene, you came here for my retirement.

Did you bring me a gift?

I did, Mother.

I brought you a deep hug of gratitude.

O-O-Oh, no...

no...

No, thank you.

Does anybody know how to give a gift anymore?

What's wrong with our mother?

Well, you may not realize this, because you visit once every 10 years, but our aging mother can be difficult.

She's been like this all the time, and it's been "Steady Louis" taking care of everything while you've been in Taiwan.

You're right.

I haven't been here.

But now it's my turn to share the load with Mom.

Suddenly you care about doing your share?

I do.

Okay, sure.

Uh, well, Mom has a full plate of errands today that I'd help her with, but, um, why don't you go ahead and take over for me?

Oh, I'd love to.

It'd be great fun.

Right.

That's our mom...

A pleasure.

You.

Just...

you.

So, Clyde, we're here because we were thinking of doing a retirement roast for Marvin.

Ohh!

We need some funny stories of him when he was younger.

Well, funny stories and Ol' Marv go hand in hand, like, uh...

Like plums and hot sauce.

In '68, Marv and I were driving across country, took a stop in New Orleans, met some swamp ladies.

Well, we had a few drinks and...

I can't finish this story.

Okay, how about a story from when you were in the Navy?

Once, we stopped this mysterious boat that had crossed into American waters.

Marv and I kicked down the doors to the bridge, and we were confronted by these...

these two...

sea ladies.

So, we had a few drinks and...

I can't finish this story, either.

Well, are there any stories you can tell us without drinks or ladies?

Here it is, boys.

Marvin?

Marvin is my best buddy.

We're like brothers.

And brothers don't talk out of school about their secrets.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.

I got to go, uh, fire up the magnet.

Move some cars.

Come on.

Yeah, come on.

Gene and Mom have been doing errands for a long time.

That's a good thing.

They probably got in a fight at the salon and one of them is arrested.

Or dead.

Damn it.

Hey!

Sorry to take so long.

Her nail guy is very chatty, and I loved every minute of it.

I believe in him.

I think he has designed a better energy drink.

The trick is getting it into stores.

Anyway, Ma, I'm gonna get you some water.

You don't?

That's never crossed my mind at all.

Uh, that means so much, Ma.

Thanks.

Wow.

This new, extra-annoying Gene totally did the trick.

She's never treated you like that.

I know.

I'm pretty emotional on the inside right now, but I don't want to cry in front of you.

Don't.

Bottle it up and save it for the shower.

Wasn't that amazing?

Um, what are you talking about?

When I arrived, I sensed there was tension between you and Mom.

You glowed with resentment.

So I talked to her about it, and I got her to empathize with the burden you feel.

You're saying you somehow got our mother to feel empathy for me?

The woman who thinks Lex Luthor is the hero of "Superman"?

I did.

Well, I don't know what to say.

I appreciate you doing that.

Look, I couldn't have fallen in that lion pit and changed my life if you weren't here taking care of Mom, so it was...

It was the least I could do.

Thanks, Gene.

Whoo!

She's f*ring up the jets!

Jets?

Isn't she beautiful?

Same-day delivery.

You bought her a hot tub?

I taught her to value you more, and as a reward for learning her lesson, I got her a gift.

So you didn't teach her anything.

You just bought her off!

Oh, yes, I remember the day you came in well.

You were a real Chatty Cathy.

Nice job, bro.

What did I say, exactly?

Well, it wasn't so much what you said.

It's how you said it.

Little secret.

Your eyebrows look like birds.

So I wasn't making any sense?

No, you just kept looking at your reflection in my tiny mirror and saying, "Peep these cheeks!" That's amazing!

Oh, and you were the opposite of Evan when you were there.

Come again, Queenie?

This is a secret, but I love Garth Brooks.

And Shania impresses me very much.

Oh, and me and my brothers drove to Georgia to meet Reginald VelJohnson.

It wasn't my fault!

It was the gas!

They gave me a man's dosage even though I'm still a little boy!

Is Georgia beautiful?

I hear it's beautiful.

I feel like we're in a giant bowl of noodles.

You ever wonder what it would be like if we spent our life as a noodle?

That's enough, Gene.

Okay, everybody out!

This tub is going back where it came from!

Whoa, boss.

You said this is a job for two?

I dunno.

We're gonna drain it first.

Jessica, what are you doing?

Your mother said she'd take care of the tub and pay the utilities, so why say no to a free hot tub?

And you believe her?

Don't worry.

If Mom can't make payments, then Steady Gene can handle it.

Steady Gene?

Hilarious.

Here's what's actually gonna happen.

In about a week or two, Mom will forget to pay the utilities, Gene will be long gone, and it'll all fall on me, just like it always does.

You have that little faith in me?

The one thing I have faith in is that you'll always screw up.

I even brought you here to screw up and make me look good, and you somehow screwed that up, too.

I'm not a screw-up anymore.

I've changed.

But clearly, you haven't.

Once a martyr, always a martyr.

I'm not ready to show my lion scars to anyone.

But my emotional scars for being your brother?

Well, that is right out there for all to witness!

Not to invite myself in, but have you ever seen a redhead in a hot tub?

It's like a lobster in a pot.

It's sort of my party trick.

Gene's locked himself in our bedroom.

He says he's meditating, but I can hear him crying.

Why can't anything be easy?

Can you believe this?

Gene was right.

You're a martyr.

What are you talking about?

You got everything you wanted.

A helpful Gene, a respectful Grandma, even a new hot tub.

Yet you're still acting like it's some kind of a burden.

"I'm Louis.

Woe is me.

Poor me.

I married totally out of my league." I guess I got so used to fixing my family's problems that I didn't believe that they could change.

Well, of course not.

You're terrible with change.

What do you mean?

When Emery tried to quit volleyball, you stalked him.

When Eddie had to learn how to drive, you pushed him so hard that he ran over a child on a scooter.

When Gene arrived and your role with Grandma changed, here we are.

I could go on.

No, no, I get it.

It's hard for me.

You see Marvin's stupid new flagpole in his yard?

That's you.

The steady pole in the ground.

Everyone else around you is like the flag, changing direction as the wind shifts.

But not you.

You're keeping everything in place.

But the pole gets no attention.

We salute the flag but not the pole.

It might help you out every once in a while if you were the flag.

I think you're right.

And beautiful metaphor.

Thank you.

You know, I hated that stupid flagpole, but suddenly, it's useful to me.

Marvin's gonna blow when Grandma tries to dry her panties on that thing.

I'm sorry, guys.

I just don't trust myself to keep that secret.

Please, Uncle Marvin?

No way, José Canseco.

I've spent the last 40 years talking to patients all day long, and now I've got no outlet.

And I'm a chatterbox.

I mean, the minute I run into somebody, I start chattering...

Like a box.

But you're a Navy man.

Shouldn't you be able to control yourself?

Hey, us Navy guys are in control on the ocean.

But we're on land, little buddies.

All bets are off.

Sea legs, land lips.

Oh, by the way, Queenie says "Hi." Wait.

You talked to Queenie?

Is that a thr*at?

D...

Did she tell you about...

Angela?

Angela?

You don't know about Angela, do you?

No.

But now we do.

Just the lip leverage we were looking for.

How could you do this to Honey?

Who is she?

No, Angela's the name of my boat.

I've been keeping her a secret for years because Honey thought that a boat was a bad investment.

But what about the boat you got for retirement?

Well, it's the same boat.

I gave old Angela a wax job and then I pretended that I bought a new one.

So please don't tell Honey.

How about we'll keep your secret if you keep ours?

Yeah, that's a deal.

We're brothers now, bound forever by our shared secrets.

I might even throw in a few weekend boat rides.

My only rule...

Never, ever touch the harpoon g*n.

It's for that seagull that stole my hat.

Hey, brother.

♪ Yeah ♪ What are you doing?

Trying to be more like you.

Oh.

Because Hurricane Gene is the kind of guy to put a hot tub in a living room.

"Clever." I'm trying to change, like you did.

And the change I need is to be a little more unpredictable.

But the carpets...

I'm extremely worried about the carpets, but I'm letting that go.

Can you hop in?

I have a lot of apologizing to do, and we do our best brother-to-brother talks in hot water.

Like in the hot springs with Dad.

I'm, uh, sorry about earlier.

When you took over my role of helping Ma, I struggled.

But I am thankful for you teaching her to appreciate me.

Boy, our family didn't make it easy on you.

And Hurricane Gene wasn't easy on anyone.

You, my wife...

Oh, I'm sure she's loving the new you.

Wouldn't know.

She left me, Louis.

What?!

When did that happen?

It was recently..

Actually, it was over two years ago.

But I was too ashamed to talk about it to you or Mom.

Wow.

I'm so sorry, Gene.

It's okay.

I'm actually better 'cause it made me look myself in the mirror and make some changes.

Wait, so you didn't fall into a lion pit?

Oh, no, no, I did.

It was an unrelated incident.

I'm super clumsy.

Seriously, just being here with you really made me feel better.

I mean, it always does.

I didn't come here just for Mom's retirement.

Well, you're welcome here anytime.

Actually, what is Mom retiring from?

No idea.

Okay.

Okay, everybody's got it?

Arms up.

Five, six, seven, eight.