01x01 - Chapter One: Make Your Mark

[bunniefuu]

[FAN HUMMING, CLICKING]

- [SWITCH CLICKS]

- [FAN STOPS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

♪ - [SNORING]

- [JET ENGINES HUMMING]

♪ [TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[WIND BLOWING]

MAN: Barry.

Barry.

Barry.

Wake up, buddy.

- Fuches?

- Hey.

How long have you been watching me sleep?

The money from the Rochester job just cleared.

One less bad guy in the world.

Nice work, as usual, Barry.

Oh, well, he was in bed, so it wasn't work exactly.

Then why did it take two days?

- Uh, I was doing recon.

- Ah.

To make it clean.

Or...

were you laying around the hotel room like in Sioux Falls last month or St.

Paul before that?

Look, these extra expenses, they add up, Barry.

- Okay.

- All right.

Oh, God.

I'm worried about you, buddy.

This sh*t heap looks like the old Barry, before he had a purpose.

BARRY: No.

No, no.

I think I'm just b*rned out.

You know?

Maybe I need a break.

- Hey, you know what I think?

- What?

I think what we should do is shake things up a little bit.

You know, so instead of burning another small-town hood in some snowed-in, rust-belt sh*thole, what do you say to a little trip out to sunny Los Angeles?

You came here to give me an assignment?

It's the Chechen mob.

Come here.

A guy by the name of Goran Pazar needs an outsider to handle something embarrassing.

It's great money.

Get us a lot closer to where we need to be to hang it all up someday.

When do you think that'll be?

The plane for LA leaves in four hours.

I will have a car waiting for you at the Ontario airport.

Ontario?

Wait.

Isn't that, like, a two-hour drive?

[LAUGHS]

You can't just, you know, fly into LAX.

You gotta cover our tracks, right?

Why?

Because it's cheaper or...

Fuches: Because it is smarter, Barry.

- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

- How much cheaper was it?

[MUTTERS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[JET ENGINE HUMMING]

[ON VOICE MAIL]

Hey, Barry.

Fuches.

Probably still on the plane, but welcome to California, buddy.

Hey, my guy said he left the car in space 408.

I told him you were my best guy, so he should hook you up.

He said the car is "dope," so enjoy that, buddy.

When you meet Goran, don't be afraid to sell yourself.

Remember that liquor distributor in Canton you stabbed in the nut?

I think Gordon's the kind of man who would find something like that intriguing.

- [CAR HONKS]

- So work it into the conversation to make him aware that, you know, you'll go there.

- [MOTORCYCLE ENGINES ROAR]

- Oh, f*cking...

f*cking d*ck!

Hey, man!

You must be Barry!

I'm NoHo Hank.

I trust the flight was good, no?

Are you hungry?

I mean, do you want a submarine sandwich.

If you're thirsty, we've got juice boxes, Hawaiian Punch, or maybe beer or something.

So, we're gonna do this outside, if that's okay.

His daughter has some friends over, huh?

They're watching their Jessie.

JESSIE [ON TV]: Why?

Did the bowling alley run out of shoe freshener?

We haven't been in LA long, but we've made a lot of progress: the harbors, identity theft, - meth, 99 Cent Stores.

- [KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Business has been going great.

Recently, personal matters cropped up, which needs to be kept separate from the business.

So, we called you.

This is Ryan Madison.

He's a physical trainer in Silver Lake.

He works with Goran's wife, Oksana.

They've been training together for...

What do you think?

What do you think?

Two?

Two, three months?

Hmm?

Yeah?

Over the past few weeks, these sessions became more frequent.

Goran asked me to follow her, and I became aware that they were taking up at a Holiday Inn in Studio City.

I snuck a lipstick camera, similar to this one, in the room, and got...

this.

OKSANA: Harder!

Oh, harder!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Why would I want to see this?

Turn that off.

- Turn it off!

- Come on.

I wanted to give him the whole...

He gets it.

You already said they are taking up in hotel.

Why show footage?

NOHO HANK: It's important for him to know!

You are just impressed with yourself for planting camera.

- I am not...

Okay.

- Trash that footage.

- So, you guys want him gone?

- BOTH: Yes.

- Good.

Okay.

- We pay you...

No, you don't pay me anything.

Fuches takes care of the money.

I just need his name and address, and it'll be done in a couple of days.

- That sounds good.

- BARRY: All right.

Now, there's a lot of ways I can, uh, [SIGHS]

do this for you.

Um...

One of them...

is I could s*ab him in the nut.

That's something I...

I did once, and I am... very comfortable doing it again.

- What?

- Or not.

- Why?

- Forget about it.

Who would want this?

Can't you just sh**t him?

- Yeah.

No, I...

- Because being sh*t is very painful.

Have you ever been sh*t?

Huh!

I have.

It's, like, crazy painful.

Anything is better than stabbing guy in nut.

I'll sh**t him.

I'll sh**t him.

I'll sh**t him.

Okay.

Goran...

I think he's going to sh**t him.

- [DOOR CHIMES]

- WOMAN: Thanks.

Have a nice day.

♪ No sil*ncer.

Thanks, Fuches.

- ♪ - [NO DISCERNIBLE DIALOG]

[NEWSWOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

♪ [FAN BELT SQUEAKING]

♪ ♪ [ENGINE AND RADIO STOP]

[JET PASSING OVERHEAD]

[SIGHS]

WOMAN: f*ck you too!

f*ck you too!

Don't you f*cking call me lady!

Don't you f*cking call me lady, you f*cking assh*le!

You m*therf*cker!

f*ck you too!

Don't you f*cking call me lady!

f*ck you too!

Who are you?

What are you doing out here?

sh*t.

I lost my place.

Damn it.

- [DOOR OPENS]

- Sally!

He's ready for you.

sh*t!

Oh my God.

Thanks a lot.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

MAN: Strong...

strong stuff you got here.

Boy.

Oh.

What you got wrong with you, you need all this stuff?

SALLY: You m*therf*cker.

MAN: What?

You f*cking assh*le.

Who the f*ck are you?

Who the f*ck do you think you are?

Please, lady, why don't you just try to calm down?

MAN 2: Bullshit!

Bullshit!

It's false, Sally.

I...

look, I...

I know.

I...

I got thrown off right before I was about to go on.

- I was outside going over...

- Excuse me.

I don't give a sh*t.

Even your excuses are false.

You're up there, you're stinking up my stage, babe.

What the f*ck do you want?

Um... the prescriptions.

Not Linda.

You.

Little Sally Reed from Joplin, Missouri.

What do you want?

- To be an actress?

- Again, I don't believe you.

It's all I ever wanted in the whole world.

Oh, really?

Except you don't think you're gonna make it, do you?

I mean, that's what you told me.

Oh yeah.

Last week, she takes me out for a cup of coffee after class, starts to cry, snot running down her nose.

All of a sudden she said, "I'm not gonna make it." I'm telling you, I was embarrassed.

It was pathetic.

Here is a person who's spending her money, she doesn't have any talent whatsoever.

This chick shouldn't even be in this class!

- I cannot believe...

- That is not fair, Gene!

[SOFTLY]

Don't think.

Just finish the scene.

Don't you call me lady.

I come in here, I give these things to you, you... you check...

I'm sick!

I have sickness all around me, and you f*cking ask me my life?

Have you seen death in your bed?

In your house?

And then I'm asked f*cking questions?

"What's wrong?" Suck my d*ck!

That's what's wrong!

[WEAKLY]

Shame on you.

Shame on you.

[SNIFFLES]

Suck my d*ck.

End scene.

[APPLAUSE]

[STUDENTS WHOOPING]

[EXCITED CHATTER]

Okay, you know that I had to do that, right?

Mm-hmm.

- You know I love you.

- Mmm.

[SALLY GIGGLES]

All right.

That...

was something.

Now, as beautiful Sally just demonstrated, that's what this class is about: Life!

I want you to create a life right here on this stage.

I mean, we're not here studying some f*cking TV commercial acting.

That's not why you came to LA, is it?

You didn't move all the way across the country for that!

This is the theater.

Now, let's give her another round.

- She deserves the praise.

- [GIGGLES]

MAN: Hey, man.

Are you new to this class?

I haven't seen you before.

I'm Ryan, Ryan Madison.

Listen, I was supposed to put up a scene with Mike Kennedy, but he got a catering gig.

So, could you help me out?

- GENE: Ryan, you're up.

- Uh...

- Where's Kennedy?

- RYAN: He's not here.

But I'm gonna do the scene with him.

♪ Grab a seat there, boy.

Grab yourself an egg roll.

We got everything here from a diddle-eyed Joe to a...

damned-if-I-know.

[CHUCKLES]

Mean you ate before you came on down here?

All full?

Is that it?

Nah, I don't think so.

I think you're too scared to be eating.

See, you ain't even sat down yet.

On that TV over there, since you been in the room, is a woman with her titties hanging out.

Now, I know I'm pretty, but I ain't as pretty as a couple of titties.

[FLATLY]

"What's in that envelope is for my peace of mind.

"My peace of mind is worth that much, not one penny more.

Not one penny more." [RYAN CHUCKLES, SMACKS LIPS]

It's empty.

[CLATTERING]

End scene!

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

♪ Who are you?

- I'm Barry.

- Barry what?

- Berkman.

- GENE: Well, Barry Berkman, you just used up your one free audit class.

You want to be here on Thursday, you better prepare a monologue.

You understand?

Wow.

Okay, who's next?

♪ [VOICES CHATTERING]

- MAN: Or have a fan.

- WOMAN: Yeah, me too.

MAN: Or fans, multiple.

Hey.

Hey.

Barry?

Hey, I just...

I wanted to say sorry for snapping at you back there.

I-I...

I didn't realize you were an actor.

Oh, I'm...

I'm not an actor.

What are you gonna do for your monologue?

I did the scene from The Blind Side, you know, the one where Sandy Bullock interrupts football practice?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]

"This team is your family!

You protect his blind side!" Do you remember that?

It won her an Oscar.

- I'm not doing a monologue.

- What would be a good monologue for you?

Let's go brainstorm.

A bunch of us are going to Residuals.

What's Residuals?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

What if you did Robert Duvall from Tender Mercies?

Oh, yes, yes, the one where he's talking with his daughter.

- You should totally do that.

- Or...

or Brad Pitt from Fight Club.

Oh, I love that, yes.

You know, to me the most important thing is honesty, like, whatever you can bring your truth to.

Wait.

What is that Kevin Spacey movie?

You know, the one where he's the bad guy, he's got the limp?

Oh!

Oh my God, Usual Suspects.

- Indian guy.

In...

India.

- Oh, Indiana Jones?

- It's Usual Suspects.

- American Beauty.

- K-Pax.

- K-Pax.

- Usual Suspects.

- Did you just move here, Barry?

- Uh, yeah, from Cleveland.

- SALLY: Huh.

Ooh, cool.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

Oh, are you...

Are you from LA?

Nobody's actually from LA, Barry.

Oh, I am though, remember?

'Cause...

- Nick is from Florida.

- Go Gators.

- SALLY: Jermaine is from...

- Denver.

Denver, and Antonio here, he's from...

- Puerto Rico.

- ...Puerto Rico.

- Yeah, he just booked CSI.

- ANTONIO: It's true.

I'm playing a dead body on that show.

Next time, I'm gonna play somebody who's alive.

- OTHERS: Yes.

- SALLY: Yes!

Yeah, you will!

It's about talent for sure, but mostly it's about passion.

I mean, do you think Meryl Streep and Kaley Cuoco became stars - just because they're the best?

- Yes.

- No.

It's because they wanted it the most.

- No.

It's because...

most.

Look, there's always a million reasons not to do something, Barry.

But if you want it...

go for it.

Mmm!

My girlfriend dates a manager at The Standard, so if you have bartending experience or lie and say you do, I can get you a job there.

Oh, I have a job.

Sales.

Auto parts.

- SALLY: Huh.

- SASHA: Ah.

- That's cool.

- Different.

Mmm!

Oh my God!

I don't have a job.

Look at Lydia.

She's out there all by herself.

[ELECTRO-POP MUSIC PLAYING]

- Aw!

Okay.

- Come on.

Let's go dance.

- Okay.

- Oh, I...

I don't dance.

Bullshit.

Yeah, you do.

I can tell you want to dance.

♪ Is easily...

♪ Okay.

No pressure.

You'll know where to find me.

♪ Why can't you say to me ♪ ♪ I mean something to you?

♪ ♪ 'Cause you think I'm living it ♪ ♪ Living it, living it, living it up ♪ ♪ In the spotlight ♪ ♪ You think I'm living it ♪ ♪ Living it, living it, living it up ♪ ♪ It's a lie, lie ♪ RYAN [CHANTS]: Barry Berkman.

[POUNDS TABLE RHYTHMICALLY]

Barry Berkman!

You gotta change that name.

Mmm.

I changed my name.

[WHISPERS]

My real name's Richard Krempf.

♪ Give me a warning ♪ Ryan Madison sounds way cooler.

Barry Berkman.

It's too plain.

You sound like an accountant or something.

You want something people can remember.

♪ That this is the thing you do, do to me ♪ I got the perfect stage name for you.

- What?

- Mmm.

Barry...

Block.

- Barry Block?

- Yeah.

- I don't get it.

- Yeah, 'cause when I look at you, I think of a block.

Hey, Barry.

Hey.

- Hey.

- Yeah?

Can you drive him home?

He has, like, seven DUls.

♪ I don't care what you say ♪ - Sure.

- Good night.

Looking forward to your monologue.

♪ When the time's right ♪ ♪ You think I'm living it ♪ ♪ Living it, living it, living it up ♪ What?

Come on.

You've gotta take this class, bro.

I-I-I...

I don't think I can.

It's not that hard.

Here.

Look, it's all in the book.

_ This is your new bible.

Gene's teaching's changed my life.

So, y...

you go home, you Google "great monologues," you choose one, and I'll help you prepare it before tomorrow.

You're gonna help me with my audition?

- [CHUCKLES]

- Why?

Uh, you're my scene partner, bro.

We rocked it out today.

You were so chill.

You just let me do my thing.

You're a very generous performer.

- I am?

- Totally.

So, I will see you tomorrow, scene partner.

Oh.

Mm!

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

[BEEPING]

- What the f*ck?

- [CAR DOOR OPENS]

- Hey!

- [ENGINE STARTS]

Ryan Madison!

Barry Block!

What the f*ck?

They were hugging.

[PHONE BUZZING]

- Hey, Fuches.

- FUCHES [ON PHONE]: Hey, buddy.

I'm outside.

Open up.

You're here?

So...

this NoHo Hank, guy wakes me up last night, says you and your mark were hugging?

- They saw that?

- Oh yeah.

Look, look, look, something really, really cool happened.

- Okay?

- Okay.

I followed Ryan yesterday, and he went to this theater to take an acting class, and I ended up doing a scene with him from True Romance.

True Romance is a movie.

Yeah, it's LA theater, so I guess all the scenes they do are from movies.

The point is, I was really good.

And afterwards, I hung out with all of them.

- Them?

- The acting class, and they're super nice.

The whole class?

Including the guy you were supposed to burn?

Ryan Madison, yeah.

No, he's a great dude.

And I don't know.

They just made me feel really good about myself, you know?

And, uh, you know how you and I talk all the time about my purpose?

You think acting could be your purpose?

I don't know.

I just...

I don't...

I just feel really motivated right now or something like...

It made me feel really good.

Okay, but what about what we do together, Barry?

Well, you know, they told me a very small percentage of actors actually make a living acting, - you know, so most of them have day jobs, - Yeah.

So I just figured, you know, I do night hits - or something, just...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sit.

Sit.

Okay.

Now, Barry, acting is a very face-forward type of job.

It...

It's a direct conflict to being someone who anonymously kills people.

You want to have a hobby or something, you could take up...

painting.

- Well...

- h*tler painted.

[CHUCKLES]

John Wayne Gacy painted.

It's a good, solid hobby.

Never got in the way of what they were doing.

These are professional actors, and they're the real deal, and they say I got something.

No, I...

I get it, I get it, but I think you gotta think this thing through.

I mean, you wanna...

you wanna go out there and try to burn a guy, and have him say, "Hey!

There's the guy from the chicken commercial!" I don't know if I'd do commercials.

[SIGHS]

Barry, when you decided to do this for a living, you closed the door on being able to do anything else.

You're a k*ller, Barry.

You k*ll the bad guys.

- Yeah, but this Ryan guy wasn't a bad guy.

- No, no, no.

- He lent me a book.

He's...

- Stop thinking.

k*ll Ryan.

These Chechens are the scariest people I have ever worked with, and they're talking about taking you off this job.

Off the job?

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry, but I don't feel like...

dying over some wannabe actor.

Yeah.

No, yeah.

This is what you do.

This is all you do.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

[SIGHS]

♪ [CHATTERING]

- ♪ - [VOICES FADE]

[NO DISCERNIBLE DIALOG]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[FAN BELT SQUEAKING]

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

[ENGINE STOPS]

- Hey, Mr.

Cousineau.

- You weren't in class today.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

- Ryan was very upset.

Yeah, no, I, uh...

I gotta leave town.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Hey, Mr. Cousineau, I was wondering, um...

do you think I was good enough to be in your class?

No, Barry, I don't.

What you did was dog sh*t.

I mean, really, really awful.

"Dumb acting" I call it.

Do you know why?

Because acting is truth, and I saw no truth.

So, here's my advice to you: You go back to whatever nook of the world you call home, and you do whatever it is you're good at, because this...

is not it.

You wanna know what I'm good at?

- I'm good at k*lling people.

- Hmm.

Yeah, when I got back from Afghanistan, I, uh...

I was really depressed, you know?

I didn't leave my house for months, and...

this friend of my dad's, he's, uh...

he's like an uncle to me.

He, uh...

he helped me out, and he gave me a purpose.

He told me that...

that what I was good at over there could be useful here.

And, uh...

it's a job.

You know?

The money's good, and these people I take out, like, they're...

they're bad people.

You know?

Like they're pieces of sh*t.

Um...

[SIGHS]

But, lately, you know, I've...

Like, I'm not sleeping, and, uh...

that depressed feeling is back, you know?

Like...

like, I know there's more to me...

than that.

But maybe...

I don't know...

maybe there's not.

Maybe this is all I'm good at.

I don't know.

[SCOFFS]

Anyway, forget it.

Sorry to bother you.

What's that from?

What?

Are you telling me that was an improvisation?

Huh.

Interesting.

Well, the story's nonsense, but there's something to work with.

My class is not cheap.

That's not a problem.

You pay in cash.

- Yeah.

- You pay in advance.

- I can do that.

- Next class, tomorrow, 2:00 p.m.

- We start on time.

- Absolutely.

What's your last name again?

Block.

Barry Block.

- You pay in advance.

- Yeah.

No, I know.

Gene. M. Cousineau.

I look forward to this journey.

- Great.

- Watch your toes.

- Whoa.

Oh.

- [TIRES SCREECH]

- [VEHICLE APPROACHES]

- _ [RADIO PLAYS INDISTINCTLY]

♪ [g*n CLICKS, COCKS]

♪ - [ENGINE IDLING]

- [RADIO PLAYS INDISTINCTLY]

[CLICKING]

What's going on, guys?

- [SPEAKS CHECHEN]

- Now, now, now, now, now!

Hey!

NOHO HANK: Take the sh*t!

sh**t him!

Now!

Don't pull that g*n on me, man.

- [MAN SPEAKS CHECHEN]

- NOHO HANK: Now!

- Don't pull that g*n on me.

- NOHO HANK: Take the sh*t!

Now, now, now, now, now, now, now!

[MEN GRUNTING]

[DOGS BARKING]

f*ck!

[CLATTERS]

[KEYS JINGLE, THUD]

[CLATTERS]

- [CAMERA BEEPING]

- [CAR BEEPING RAPIDLY]

[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[BELL RINGS]

[DISTANT SIRENS WAILING]

Oh, hey.

Huh.

I wonder what's going on over there.

- Do you have whiskey?

- No.

- We have herbal tea.

- I'll have an herbal tea.

- [HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

- What you got there?

Oh, I've got an audition tomorrow.

I'm an actor.

So am I.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ This game ♪ ♪ Of cruelty ♪ ♪ Hardly becomes me ♪ ♪ This game of cruelty ♪ ♪ Is easily the most boring part of the week ♪ ♪ Why can't you say to me ♪ ♪ I mean something to you?

♪ ♪ 'Cause everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody sees that this ♪ ♪ Is the thing you do, do to me ♪ ♪ Oh, everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody sees that this ♪ ♪ Is the thing you do, do to me ♪ ♪ ♪ I don't care what you say ♪ ♪ I just care what you do ♪ ♪ When the time's right ♪