32x12 - Diary Queen

[bunniefuu]

(SCREECHES)

D'oh!

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

Where's your helmet?

D'oh!

♪ ♪ This woman's gonna get what she wants today ♪

♪ Barney's gonna buy a new sconce today ♪

♪ Gonna buy a broom to play quidditch today ♪

♪ Waylon's gonna get some kitsch today ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ I'm gonna buy some figurines today ♪

♪ Some lovely pastoral scenes today ♪

♪ I've finally found the rare girl with goat ♪

♪ I'll stash them all in my NPR tote ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ The shoppers always haggle, low price ♪

♪ And Flanders always gives in, too nice ♪

♪ Too nice, too nice ♪

♪ I'll sell these fuzzy dice ♪

♪ Maude bought them as a joke I did not get ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ We'll sell our toys, we pray ♪

♪ 'Cause playing is a sin that we regret ♪

BOTH: Yay!

(CARTOON SCRAMBLING SOUND EFFECT)

♪ ♪ (TRUMPETS)

♪ Criterion Collection: Meryl Streep ♪

♪ A box of Easter candy, all Peeps ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ I'll undersell eBay ♪

♪ We'll get some useless crap today! ♪

See, Marge?

We skip one rehearsal, and we're totally lost.

♪ Today! ♪

Wow, Mr. Flanders.

You're selling your used birthday candles?

Hmm, they relight themselves.

I won't have voodoo in the house.

I'm one.

I'm two.

I'm three.

I'm dizzy.

(GROANS, THUD)

Oh.

Do you really want to sell these precious memories?

(CHUCKLES)

They're just earthly possessions, Marge.

All I need is God in my heart, the good book in my hand, and...

(GASPS)

What are you heathens doing to my Norman Rockwell commemorative plates?!

(GRUNTING)

We bought 'em, we smash 'em.

Take that, Freedom from Want.

(GRUNTS)

- (BOYS LAUGH)

- (FLANDERS GROANS)

Look at me!

I'm Mr. Rogers.

Yeah.

And I'm Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

I'll have what he's having.

- We're having a ball!

- Of yarn.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GROANS)

Oh, all this humiliation for...

(SCOFFS)

$ ?

Get out before I turn on the hose!

Thank you.

Okay, fine.

I'm not selling one more precious tchotchke unless it's going to a decent, respectful home.

(INHALES)

(SIGHS)

Damaged corner.

Excuse me, sir?

I understand how you feel.

Bart Simpson.

Longtime neighbor, first time reader.

May I buy these books?

There's no bad words in these if that's what you're looking for.

I cut 'em all out.

Mm.

Thank you...

Adultery Ass.

This is why I always carry a fan.

Don't worry, sir.

We're boys who have made our share of mistakes, but these books will fire up our imaginations.

♪ My greatest moment!

Oh, Bart.

I was filming the wrong way.

It's all me!

This angle makes my nose look big.

Oh!

(GROANS)

Hmm.

Bart, that's clearly personal.

You have to give it back to Mr. Flanders.

You don't have a single little boy bone in your body, do you?

Hey!

I did take karate.

Till I had an allergic reaction to my gi.

- (BEE BUZZING)

- There's a bee in here!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

"My Journal." Wait a minute.

I've seen that red ink before, especially the D's and F's.

- (THUNDER CRASHING)

- ♪ ♪ It's Mrs. Krabappel's diary!

(SNIFFS)

Parliament Lights .

That was her brand.

EDNA: Remember: if you can teach one kid one thing, then today will be a success...

Oh.

I forgot Flanders married Krabappel.

I do not need to see the dark side of another marriage.

Let the oceans have it, Bart.

They're big enough to hide any sin.

You would think so, but no.

Why are corpses so buoyant?

'Cause I ain't dead yet!

The boss ain't gonna like this.

I'm the boss!

- Do you like it?

- No!

LOUIE: Shouldn't we stop those kids?

FAT TONY: We don't k*ll children.

We'll wait till they're .

This is your fault, Krabappel.

You taught me to read.

If you read this diary, you'll regret it.

Maybe not today...

- Okay, good enough.

- (GROANS)

What's it say?!

What's it say?!

Does she write about how well I cleaned the gerbil cage?!

If not, it might be a fake.

It's in there.

And a lot more.

She says Chalmers hides his car keys on the top of his sun visor.

♪ (TIRES SQUEALING)

I just became the most powerful kid in school.

Slimmer!

- (TIRES SQUEALING)

- Uh...

What the...?

♪ ♪ He's got a free yogurt at the car wash.

Let's drop the car off at the car wash, get the yogurt, and never come back.

The perfect crime!

There they are!

Go get 'em!

Yeah, don't worry.

We'll get your car, but, uh, all I can think of now is we should do that, Lou.

Go for a drive just because.

- (GRUNTING HAPPILY)

- ♪ ♪ Ugh!

Finally, thanks to Mrs. K, I'll know what goes on in the teachers' lounge.

- No, this is not a sales call.

- _ It's an opportunity to improve your life with gutter guards.

Ma'am, are you sure your family will be taken care of in case of a sinkhole?

And with this cruise package, you're guaranteed a deck chair for one full hour a day.

So can I...?

Hello?

Hello?

BART: So, working your night school jobs during school hours, eh?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, you are still there.

You're just very quiet.

I'll wait as long as it takes.

- (BELL TOLLING)

- _ Reading someone else's diary in a church?

That's the worst thing you can do in a church!

(IRISH ACCENT): No, not really.

Oh, my God.

I'm in this.

What did she say?

(ANGELIC CHOIR SINGING)

"I had a wonderful time "with my spikey-haired after-school buddy.

"Sometimes I have to be tough on him so his behavior gets better, "but he's smart as a whip.

"When he grows up, I bet there's no door he won't be able to open." What does that mean?

She's saying you have potential.

Oh, my God.

I thought she hated me after I glued her to her chair.

And yet she says I have potential.

I have a future.

The sky's the limit!

("BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING)

("HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING)

I got rid of the squeak in your chair, sir.

Good man.

When do I get paid?

It's been three weeks.

BART: Wow.

Presidential chair tester.

Can't do better than that.

(SIGHS)

This changes everything.

All this time I was showing my butt, I was actually showing promise.

I'm gonna live up to that potential.

♪ I used to march down the windy, windy sidewalks ♪

♪ Slapping my leg with a riding crop ♪

♪ Thinking it made me come off so tough ♪

♪ I didn't smile because a smile always seemed rehearsed ♪

♪ I wasn't afraid of the bullies ♪

♪ And that just made the bullies worse. ♪

Pop art quiz!

Is that a "pop" art quiz, or a "pop art" quiz?

It's a "shut up and fill in the bubbles" quiz.

Okay, how am I gonna blow this off?

Maybe fill in all the bubbles to make a skull.

Now, hold on, Bart.

You have potential.

Why not really try and do it?

- You think?

- (CHUCKLES)

Yes.

(GASPS)

I know this one.

It's "B." And after "B," the next answer's usually "C." And the next one I can get from Martin.

♪ This cake is for Bart.

He got an "A" on his test.

Mm-hmm.

What's a matter?

Wondering how I cheated?

You know, all my thoughts aren't about you.

LISA: How did he do it?

I must find out.

(GASPS)

Oh, God.

All my thoughts are about him.

Think pony.

Think pony.

- (PONY BRAYS)

- (YELLS)

How'd you do it, Bart?

How'd you do it?

We're just gonna be very happy about this grade and not ask questions.

How did he do it?

How did he do it?

Do I have two high-achieving kids?

Oh, be realistic, Marge.

He must be hiding something.

♪ ♪ Ah, he's clean.

And so is his room.

I see you couldn't find out how he did it.

No offense, Mom, but mind if I take a whack?

Help yourself.

How, Maggie?

How?

Oh, the treehouse, right.

The answer's in the treehouse.

Ay Krabappel!

This is a new low, even for you.

- Thanks.

- Okay, spill it.

What dirt did you find?

I'm only on page , but it's so clear she thought I was great.

She really liked me.

Even when I brought in a dead bird from outside, which I've actually forgotten.

What?

LISA: Poor, deluded Bart.

She was writing that about her cat.

She loved how much I love tuna.

I don't remember that either, but it was meaningful to her.

Listen, Bart...

And she said I was too adorable to be sterilized.

Oh, her words, not mine.

- Bart...

- She believed in me.

And now I believe in myself.

And I'll tell you something crazy: I loved getting that "A." Which means, you know what?

Suddenly, I get you.

You don't suck.

You not only don't suck, you believe in my potential, too.

Don't you?

(GROANS)

We're just two smart kids.

I...

I...

I...

(GROANS)

Okay.

I believe in you, too.

And I have nothing more to say except...

(GRUNTS)

Nothing but...

(GROANS)

Which is worse, to be cruel or to lie?

They're both great, just like us.

Two smart kids.

And you know what I'm gonna do now?

I'm gonna change someone else's life for the better.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

BART: Willie?

I heard... can't say where...

that you're actually pretty lonely.

So I got you this little guy.

A Scotsman lonely?

Bannocks to that!

But I will take your wee coney...

for me evening stew!

Do you like your stew?

It's got lots of extra carrots for a growing bunny.

And when you grow fat enough, I'll stick you in a bubbling pot of water...

for your Saturday bath.

Oh, I love you.

(GROANS)

This lie has made Bart a new man.

And it's giving me anxiety att*cks.

(HYPERVENTILATING)

Relax.

Relax.

Ugh, so anxious.

(SCREAMS)

- What's this?

- You've got bumpies!

Let me give you some lotion.

I'll be fine.

I just need a calming bath and a good night's sleep.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHANTING): Om...

om...

Oh, my God!

I'm helping him live a lie that may ruin him!

Hmm.

Sometimes tension hives are the result of inner stress.

Is anything bothering you, young lady?

Just the usual...

global disasters, artificial intelligence taking over, the cold, dead eyes of Mike Pence.

Hmm.

Well, I could refer you to psychological counseling, but why fix what you can numb?

So I'm gonna prescribe some Sleepy and Dopey's children's chewable Xanax.

(LAUGHS)

I don't want my daughter on meds.

You seem upset, Marge.

Talk to your doctor about Troxodone.

You are my doctor.

Well, well, well.

Fancy that.

(LAUGHS)

This is gonna turn your life into an oasis of peaceful zombitude.

Side effects may include bleeding out your ears, Portuguese insolence, wandering eyebrow, intense longing for death, and seeing yourself as others see you.

(LAUGHS)

_ When the last student finishes using the lice comb, please pass it back up.

Now our major award of the day.

For me?

But my shelves are already groaning with kudos.

- Not for you.

- Aw.

For the only student who's shown dramatic improvement in the history of this school: Bart Simpson!

- Let's hear it for him.

- (STUDENT COUGHS)

I'll take names if I don't hear cheers.

STUDENTS (CHANTING): Bart!

Bart!

Bart!

Bart!

Bart!

I just want to say thank you, Mrs. K.

You wrote the book on teaching.

And now, his sister, Lisa Simpson, will lead us in a round of "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow."

What?

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... ♪

To the laser tag water park!

(STUDENTS CHEERING)

Take the freeway!

It's quicker!

♪ All of it's based on a lie ♪

♪ All of it's based on a lie ♪

♪ For he's a jolly big phony ♪

♪ And only I know why. ♪

(CLEARS THROAT)

Assembly item number two:

- don't take dr*gs.

- I don't!

Our most successful assembly ever.

Thanks to Mrs. K, I fear nothing.

Not even long division.

Hmm.

What if there's a remainder?

Still a little scary.

You wanted to do well, but you're not even studying.

You don't have to study when you're on a roll.

You heard them cheering me.

STUDENTS (CHANTING): Bart!

Bart!

Bart!

Not Lisa!

I wish you hadn't had them do that.

You know what I'm gonna do now?

I'm gonna enter the spelling bee.

Um, really?

Just like that?

How about a little reality check?

Spell "pneumatic." No problem.

You're gonna start it with an "N," aren't you?

I'll know when the spotlight hits me.

Two smart kids.

Bart, spelling bees are very public.

So if, by some fluke, you don't do well, you'll be embarrassed in front of the whole school.

Worse than the time you sat on the peanut butter cup.

People knew what it was.

No, they didn't.

LISA: Let him learn his lesson.

Let him gain from it.

It's not up to you to save him.

(GASPS)

The first contestant is our most-improved student, Bart Simpson, and the word is "interlude." Um, can you use it in a sentence?

I need an interlude with my brother!

I have to explain something.

Obsolescence...

O-B...

You don't have to explain.

It's totally understandable.

You're just jealous.

I used to be a mixed-up kid like you.

You're just not reading the right diaries.

MILHOUSE: Obsequious...

Bart, there's a page in the diary you didn't read yet.

(INHALES)

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I just don't want you hurt.

"My special little guy has the fluffiest tail"?

Still think she's talking about you?

Could be.

I played a reindeer in the school play.

Which was weird, because it wasn't a Christmas play.

Keep reading.

"Purring when I pet him"?

"Scratching at the bell on his collar"?

"Always using his litter box appropriately"?

Oh, it wasn't me who had potential.

It's a frickin' cat!

(WHIMPERING)

(GASPS)

(WHIMPERING)

Oh.

No bumps.

- I brought you dinner.

- Don't want it.

I'm just a loser kid, and that's all I will ever be.

Oh, honey...

Mom, I'm gonna go over the edge if you try to make me feel better right now.

Hmm...

So, I understand you've been reading Edna's diary.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I sure hope there's something in the Bible about forgiveness.

Son, I'm not here to judge you.

Curiosity is one of the devil's sharpest tools.

That's why I don't even look down in the shower.

Eyes always up into God's scalding water.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, I'll get to the point.

I'm here to tell you something that might make you feel better.

Did you know Edna and I once were thinking of leaving Springfield?

Oh, I feel so much better.

How does he do it?

I don't know!

But the fact is we didn't move.

We had a family meeting.

It was Todd's turn at the gavel.

TODD: Order!

Order!

Now, we can't leave Springfield unless it's unanimous.

Todd?

TODD: I vote "yes." I can finally get away from that ladybug that scares me.

I'm tired of Mr. Simpson peeing in our bird bath.

Well, that's one, two, three, and...

I have to stay here in Springfield, because boys like Bart Simpson need me.

Sweet, misunderstood boys, who just need someone to recognize the basic goodness that's trapped inside them and is desperately trying to get out.

(SNEEZES)

She was allergic to the cat, but, uh, you were nothing to sneeze at, son.

Well, did that help?

Yeah!

Now let us give thanks.

If only people stopped when they made their point.

But thanks.

And this belongs to you.

You might want to read it.

You come off pretty well.

No sirree, Bob.

Those are Edna's private thoughts, and they're gonna stay private.

Did you fix Bart?

Yep.

What's in your hand?

Uh, uh, nothing.

♪ ♪ "Now that I've been with Ned a year, he's made my life a living..." I'll think of a penance.

"Dream come true." Oh.

(SNIFFLES)

Now I got to clean my specs.

Thanks, Edna.

♪ I found her diary underneath a tree ♪

♪ And started reading about me ♪

♪ The words she'd written took me by surprise ♪

♪ You'd never read them in her eyes ♪

♪ All the sweet things they can find. ♪

♪ (SINGERS VOCALIZING)

_ Shh!