01x04 - Git Gone

[bunniefuu]

[chatter]

Cash in?

Dealer takes another.

[groans]

With apologies.

Oh, man.

Market research says we turn tables over 30% faster and retain on the new shoe.

See?

You don't have to shuffle.

I like to shuffle.

But you don't have to.

[cat meows]

Come on, Dummy.

[fly buzzing]

[spraying]

[coughing, gasping]

[coughing]

Dealer busts.

Mm-mm.

You mind?

Go ahead.

Cash in, 200.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, could I get a gin and tonic, please?

That's your drink?

Best drinks have self-defining names.

Order a Manhattan, God knows what you're going to get, but you order gin and tonic, Jack and Coke, it's not just a name.

It's a command.

How long have you been working here for, uh, Laura?

Four years, plus.

Paid tuition, then it paid rent.

Ugh!

That's bad luck.

Ah.

Thank you.

Thank you kindly.

Dealer busts.

Ah.

All right.

You know, a friend once told me that those, uh, "everyone gets quiet at the same time" moments only happens at 22, 20 past the hour.

Now, I'll be damned why that happens.

Ghosts flying overhead, but, uh, check this out.

Hmm.

20 past.

Don't do it.

Sorry.

Those four quarters you just loaded.

This is not '80s Vegas.

They won't just break your hands and let you walk away.

They'll prosecute and push for maximum sentence.

There's a camera there, camera there, over there.

That old lady in the Terrapins sweatshirt behind you is not a grandma.

Dealer shows 16, sir.

They started upgrades from single table eye six weeks ago when insurance flagged what you must have.

So finish your drink, play one more hand, and leave.

Ooh.

Bad luck.

Hey.

Hey.

[chuckle]

Ha.

I kind of thought you would have left faster.

I was waiting for you.

Oh, boy.

I may have just been starting my shift.

You could have been waiting a long time.

Nah, they always put the pretty ones on the 8-to-4.

Why did you help me?

Uh, because I thought you were really nice.

No.

I didn't.

I thought you were kind of a d*ck.

You're very cocky and kind of unlucky, so-- Is this your first time trying to rob a casino?

A casino?

Yeah.

You're really not very good at it.

I saw you coming a mile off.

Well, next time, no one will see me coming.

Okay?

I will get a better plan and maybe find myself an inside man.

Oh, are you trying to recruit me?

You could be a world class thief.

No one suspects people who look like you.

And what do I look like?

You get anything you wanted just by asking for it.

What do you say?

Huh?

Bet you know that place inside and out.

Fair's fair.

I'll split the take 50-50.

[chuckle]

Okay.

Better luck next time.

Hang on a minute.

I'm sorry.

I owe you.

You really don't.

Well, I feel beholden.

Let me buy you a drink.

Drinks are free inside.

Drinks are sh*t inside.

Let's go somewhere.

I don't want to go somewhere.

I want to go home.

Then take me the f*ck home.

Hey-hey-hey-hey.

You okay?

[slap]

What?

Uhh.

Oh, yeah.

[panting]

Mmm.

So you are a thief.

Just some coffee.

You got a hot tub.

You ever use it?

Uh, yep.

You know, you could do magic with skills like that.

Nah.

I'm not much of a showman.

Yeah.

I'm aware.

See now, if I had those skills and your job, I could really clean up.

[shuffling]

If you had my job, what would you do?

Well, um...

the weak spot.

All you need is one.

It's usually people's attention.

Show me.

Thanks, bro.

Oh, God.

Ten years, Robbie has never looked at me like that.

[chatter]

You know, if you keep ignoring him, he's only going to want more.

[purring]

Well, there's a lesson in there somewhere.

[purring]

My grandma always had cats.

She said that they could see ghosts when we can't, and warn you of thieves.

[purring]

Yeah?

Hey-hey.

Hey.

[purring]

I think your cat's broken.

[laughing]

Do you ever worry about what will happen if you keep stealing?

Like in the afterlife?

Knocking down too many Commandments?

No.

I mean, like, jail.

[chuckle]

Do you believe in the afterlife?

I don't know.

I mean, my mom did.

She seemed pretty sure.

She used to say, uh, "All I know is there's more than I know." Yeah, I think that might sound wiser than it is.

Oh, wow.

Okay, wise-ass.

So you know what happens after you die?

Yes, I do.

Okay, what?

You rot.

When you die, you rot.

And you're so sure?

[whooping]

Yeah.

I mean, it's-- it's a fixed system.

Physics doesn't take Sundays off.

So you don't believe in anything?

There's nothing to believe.

Trust me.

I've looked.

I mean, my parents believed in everything.

Father, Son, Holy Ghost, spirit-filled and full of the light of God.

How old were you?

They taught me all of it, chapter and verse.

I went to bed every night in a world full of magic where anything was possible.

And then one day you find out that Santa's not real, and then the Tooth Fairy isn't real.

And there's no farm upstate for old dogs.

Then I started reading history books, and Jesus isn't real.

And it's like everything that made the world anything more than what it is is just-- is just stories.

Just snake oil, but worse because snakes are real.

[snickering]

I wanted to get that magic back so bad, but... one day I just accepted the fact that I couldn't because life is just not that interesting.

Don't look at me like that.

Like what?

It's like you're a lost puppy.

That was fun, puppy.

The fun is just getting started.

Come here.

[kissing]

No, no, no.

Guys don't get it.

They think Krav Maga is a Jew thing.

It's a mind thing-- maximum effectiveness, maximum efficiency, how to dismantle your opponent in any situation.

Maybe that is a Jew thing, though.

They did survive all kinds of sh*t.

Plus it's an insane workout.

You're between jobs.

You should come down to my gym.

Let me teach you in one of my classes.

- I could teach you to fight.

- I can fight.

Not Krav Maga fight.

- I box.

- Hmm.

You good?

You teach?

* Unlucky for you * I'm queen of the board * And unlike Cleopatra * I get what I want * I lean in but then I check right out * * I don't flinch because it doesn't hurt * * And what is God if there's no one there?

* * And there's no proof that she ever cared * * About me * About me * I f*ck with the fates because it's so much fun * * And I don't feel a thing because I got so numb * * I lean in but then I check right out * * I don't flinch because it doesn't hurt * * And what is God if no one's there?

* * And what is God if there's no proof?

* Where's your proof?

You've got no proof.

Gonna head to the store after work.

You need anything?

Uh-uh.

Oh, wait.

Yes.

Bug spray.

Okay.

* I lean in but then I check right out * * I don't flinch because it doesn't hurt * * And there's no proof that she ever cared about me * [pat pat]

Hey.

What?

You want coffee?

Hmm?

Coffee?

Come on.

Come get it.

- Hmm?

- Come on.

Out here.

[groan]

I need you to sit.

Are we pregnant?

Puppy, sit.

What I'm about to say may sound irrational to you, but I've all sorts of rational reasons for saying it and then doing it.

So say it, and let's talk about whether or not you should do it.

Do you remember when you asked me to be your inside man?

You want to rob the casino?

I think I need to.

I mean, I haven't come to this lightly.

I've been eliminating options one by one before I came to my final decision.

And-- I mean, final may be the wrong word.

Are we discussing, or are you telling?

Well... there's some wiggle room.

This is desperate.

Okay?

This-- This is some desperate bullshit.

Are you unhappy?

Because I'm happy.

Okay?

You make me happy.

Yes, I see that you're happy from this side of it, from the wrong side of it, and I think maybe I resent not being happy-- not resent you, just resent.

Do you still love me?

Yeah, I still love you.

I'm just not happy.

And robbing the casino will make you happy.

We are like a history book.

We're established fact.

We don't change.

We live in the same town that I grew up in, in my dead grandma's shitty house.

You have a shitty job.

I have a shitty job.

And I want more.

I would be happy living in a cardboard box under a freeway as long as I was with you.

See, that would represent a failure to me.

I represent failure to you?

Well, no.

I mean, if anything, you're actually too good for me.

I mean, I'm the girl who brought home a thief.

I'm not the thief.

Okay?

- Not anymore.

- Well, not at this very moment, no, but that's what we're discussing.

What are we discussing?

I have worked there for eight years.

I can tell you every single thing that every person in that building is going to do and when.

I can tell you what they look for.

I can tell you what they see.

Eight years of predictive behavior.

The night that we first met, you walked into that casino with the right ambition, but you had a stupid plan.

I have a smart plan.

I have a perfect plan.

You will never get caught.

How did you get caught?

Bad luck is how.

Cops came is how.

No, they shouldn't have seen.

They should not have known.

Something went wrong.

[fly buzzing]

It happened.

Okay?

The plan wasn't perfect.

The plan was perfect.

It was a perfect plan.

Somebody f*cked us.

I spoke to Adelstein this morning.

f*ck, I told you not to.

And he told me about the deal.

I'm not taking it.

I would get no more than three years, one and a half served.

You'd get the same.

- No.

- You would get the same, and then we would be back to our lives in a year and a half, maybe less.

You are not going to prison.

I asked you to do this.

I asked you to do it, and you did it.

And if I hadn't, you would be on the couch right now.

Yeah, but I said yes.

Okay?

You asked, but I said yes.

I did it.

I got caught, not you, and that is our luck.

You'll get six years.

Six years.

I will be out in three.

I can take it.

If you're on the other side, I can make it if you can.

Hey.

Can you wait for me?

Yeah.

Yes.

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

Hello.

You have a collect call from Woodward Federal Correctional Institution.

[ring]

- [ring]

- Hello.

Hello.

You have a collect call from Woodward Federal Correctional Institution.

[ring]

[ring]

All good.

** [sigh]

[sniffle]

f*ck you, Dummy.

Hey, yeah, he's, uh, all taken care of.

I put him in the woods out back, and marked him with a stone, in case you want to, like, go visit him.

Is that legal?

To just bury animals in the yard?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's fine.

You should see all the pets we have in our yard.

Just glad that I could be here to help you, you know?

Both of us, Audrey and I.

Hey.

Don't stay here alone tonight.

Come on.

Come crash on the couch.

Uh...

No.

I'm fine here.

f*ck.

[sigh]

I didn't even like him.

[sighs]

I know this sucks.

We miss Shadow, too.

You guys are our best friends, you know that?

Uhh.

The cat just d*ed.

I don't know why I even did it.

I'm drunk and alone, and my f*cking cat just d*ed.

f*ck.

I'm sorry.

Are you?

Sorry?

[knocking]

I told Audrey you had to move some furniture around, so-- Why did you say that?

Because I wanted to see you again?

Come on, Robbie.

Say what you mean.

I don't know.

You wanted to come here and f*ck me some more?

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Last night was a one-time thing.

You were there, and thank you.

But we're not doing this.

We did this, and it happened.

And now I'm waiting for Shadow.

I get it.

You're waiting for Shadow.

Do you?

Yeah.

Say it again.

You're waiting for Shadow.

Okay.

Come in.

[telephone ringing]

You have a collect call from Woodward Federal Correctional Institution.

- Hello.

- Shadow: I love you.

Something feels weird.

I love you, too.

What feels weird?

I don't know.

Um, the weather.

The air feels constipated, like if it'd just push out a storm, it'd be okay.

Yeah, there's a special word for the kind of dread caused by constipated air.

It's nice here.

Trees are budding.

There'll be leaves on them when you get back.

Five days.

120 hours and you're home.

Everything's okay there, right?

Waiting for the sky to fall is going to cause more bother than the sky actually falling, which it isn't.

Yeah.

So nothing's wrong.

Everything's fine.

Robbie's coming by.

We're planning your surprise party-- welcome home.

A surprise party?

Which you know nothing about.

[laughing]

Not a thing.

I love you, puppy.

I love you, too.

Ahem.

Get dressed.

[sighs]

I'll leave Audrey.

Yeah.

And y-- And you tell Shadow, and they'll be angry, but they will understand.

Or they'll freak out.

I don't care.

I'm not doing that.

You're not doing that.

Shadow's coming back in five days, and I'm going to be there for him.

- But you don't love him.

- Yeah, I do.

Not the way he loves you.

[sigh]

We talked about this, Robbie.

You knew this had an expiration date, and you agreed to the terms.

I felt differently then.

I don't.

That's not true.

Jesus Christ, Robbie.

You just have to think of this as like a sweet memory.

Like a naughty little secret, something you think about when you're old and you're worried that you never did anything with your life.

You did.

You f*cked around and didn't get caught.

It was really fun.

Is that all this was?

Just fun?

* I pulled into Nazareth * Was feeling 'bout half past dead * Listen, Robbie.

* I just need some place * Where I can lay my head This has to end, and it has to end tonight.

You've been very sweet.

We've been really sweet to each other, - so just...

- [seat belt unbuckles]

let goodbye be sweet as well, okay?

Hey.

Are you saying no?

Drive.

* Take a load off Fanny * And...

I really like this song.

Will you sing it to me?

- Are you serious?

- Mm-hmm.

[zipper unzips]

Ohh.

* I picked up my bag * Picked up my bag * I went looking for a place to hide * * For a place to hide * When I saw Carmen and the devil walking side by side * * Carmen... devil... walking side by side * - * I said, "Hey, Carmen--" - * I said, "Hey, Carmen--" * Come on - * "Let's go downtown" - * "Let's go downtown" - * She said, "I got"-- - * She said, "I gotta go" * - Oh!

- * "But my friend can stick"-- * - [horn honking]

- [tires screeching]

* Take a load off, Fanny * Take a load for free * Take a load off, Fanny * And...

And...

And...

* You put the load right on me * * Ooh Who the f*ck are you?

You were alive, Laura Moon.

Now you are dead, Laura Moon.

The circumstances of your death commit me.

I must take your heart.

I must weigh your heart.

Against a feather?

I can already tell you who wins.

I lived my life good and bad, definitely not light as a feather.

Where are you going?

Where am I going?

You pass through.

[sigh]

Where do I pass through?

In life you believed in nothing.

You will go to nothing.

You will be done.

There will be darkness.

And peace?

There will be darkness.

You know what?

No.

There's nowhere else for you to be.

Well, I'm not getting in there.

I want to go back.

Already your flesh has been moved, has been cut by the doctors who inspected your organs.

Already your loved ones have selected for you the clothes to shroud your decomposition.

Already you are in the ground.

Tears have fallen for you.

Do I get a say in this?

Death is not a debate.

How many do you think have come before you, all with promises and threats and offers of glory, gold, love?

Who are you to misguide me from my duty?

You are but a man, not even one I should remember.

You will go into the darkness, and I will forget ever having met you.

[scoff]

f*ck you-- [coughing]

[gasping]

[coughing]

[panting]

Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

[thunder rumbles]

f*ck.

** ** [car door closes]

[stomach growls]

Mm.

[stomach growls]

[groans]

- [stomach growls]

- Ohh.

Uhh.

Laura?

Hey, Audrey.

Aah!

Aah!

- Audrey-- - Aah!

Aah!

Audrey.

Don't call the police.

Get out of my house, you zombie whore!

Audrey, please don't call the police, okay?

I'm going to come in now.

No!

I'm going to come in now, okay?

No!

Hey, Audrey?

Audrey?

Audrey?

What!

Go away!

What the f*ck are you!

Audrey, this would be embarrassing under any circumstance, but it's particularly embarrassing under this circumstance.

Nevertheless, I really need to use your toilet.

What?

Oh, please, no.

No!

Oh, my God!

[hysterical sobbing]

- [groaning]

- [farting]

It's embalming fluid.

It's coming out of every hole I got.

It's very disgusting, so please turn around.

Turn around.

Ahh.

[sobbing]

[farting]

[panting]

How are you here?

I don't know.

Well, you know you're dead, though, right?

I assumed, yes.

Well, are you dead now, or are you something else?

I would say... the latter.

Well, is this a haunting?

You haunting me?

Not on purpose.

I needed craft supplies.

[panting]

Laura?

Yes, Audrey.

What's the last thing you remember before you d*ed?

Um...

Oh.

Oh?

Yeah.

Is Robbie dead?

Oh, yes.

Is he still dead?

He's-- I mean, he was.

I, uh, I haven't seen him.

Don't know what either of you are up to now.

You know, I guess I never did.

You know what we were up to.

Oh, I know who was in your mouth when you d*ed.

I do know that.

Does everybody know that?

Yeah.

Well, everyone who attended your funeral.

I may have mentioned it just once or twice during the service.

Does Shadow know?

Yeah, he knows.

I tried to f*ck him on your grave.

Seemed only fair.

Yeah, that does seem fair.

I'm not proud of myself.

I, uh, I had Robbie buried with his penis, you know, that you-- you bit off, shoved up his ass.

I was vulgar.

I'm a vulgar woman.

Anger and grief have-- have really just made me vulgar.

I-- Laura, I found out that you and Robbie were dead and having an affair in the same sentence.

Maybe it wasn't the same sentence.

It was the same breath.

Might have been a run-on sentence.

God, you know, I should thank you.

I should thank both of you.

It's so much easier grieving someone when you're glad they're dead.

[fly buzzes]

Thoughtful of you to make us a scrapbook.

f*ck you, Laura.

I make scrapbooks because memories lie.

I wish I had a picture of you f*cking Robbie for the album.

I'd glue it down, glitter it, give it a little pipe cleaner matte.

- I feel terrible.

- Oh, f*ck your feelings.

Everyone has feelings.

Everyone cares about what they feel.

I don't care about what you feel.

I care about what you think.

What do you think about what you did?

I think I did a shitty thing.

I think I f*cked you over, but I did not mean to f*ck you over.

It wasn't even about you.

Yeah, why would it be?

God, I thought you were my best friend.

Robbie and I had a fight, you'd be the first one to know, and all the time you were f*cking him - behind my back.

- Not all the time.

You lied to me about it.

You open your mouth, and lies come spitting out.

I told one lie.

In all of this, I told one big umbrella lie under which there were many smaller lies.

And what was your big lie, Laura?

I told Shadow that I could wait for him.

[fly buzzing]

Um...

listen, I know you're really pissed at me right now.

But I kind of need to borrow your car.

"Laura Moon, age 27, of Eagle Point, Indiana, "was k*lled in the early hours of Wednesday morning "in an automobile accident.

"Laura loved her work, her friends, and her family." Are you f*cking kidding me?

Who wrote this sh*t?

There's little to no effort here.

"She loved her work, her friends, and her family"?

That's just lazy.

That's f*cking lazy writing, and it's not entirely true.

Shitty obituary.

Well, you had a shitty obituary 'cause you had a shitty life.

You were shitty.

I was not that shitty.

How could you live with yourself-- I mean, when you were actually living?

Well, evidently I couldn't.

How do you think you're going to live with Shadow?

Presumably your stalking him will come to some sort of fruition.

I mean, what then?

What, happy family?

Little zombie baby?

Like, a zombie dog?

I'll have my own private sunshine.

Laura, you wiped your ass with that sunshine.

Shadow deserves better than you.

I love Shadow-- loved Shadow-- love Shadow.

I love Shadow.

He's the light of my life.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

What?

You did not love him when you were alive.

Come on.

Not love him love him.

He was like a pet.

There's a reason you called him Puppy.

Yeah.

Well, I love him now.

[gasp]

[tires screech]

You I remember.

We are a small family-owned funeral home.

What we provide is continuity.

There has been an Ibis and Jacquel in business here for 200 years.

Pins for the bones.

Threads for the muscles.

Paint for the skin.

We need to tend to your flesh as best we can as it can't tend to itself anymore.

Care and maintenance is needed for your dead body.

[cat meows]

However, there is nothing we can do to lighten your heavy heart.

Uh, don't move.

You're still tacky.

Your heavy heart sank you like a stone right back where you last left off.

Lived a life interrupted.

Was it love?

It wasn't.

But I suppose it is now.

That is unfortunate.

Love will always have you at a disadvantage.

Well, I think being dead has made a disadvantage.

Uh, many is the man who would take any version of his lost love rather than leave his love lost.

He will say thank you to whatever god sent you back to him.

When you are done...

I will complete my task and deliver you on to darkness.

[buzzing]

Hi, Puppy.