02x01 - House on the Rock

[bunniefuu]

Shadow, We're gonna be releasing you later this afternoon.

Your wife...

...she d*ed in the early hours of this morning.

An automobile accident.

I love you, puppy.

I'm a leprechaun.

My lucky coin.

You are pretending you cannot believe in impossible things.

Give me my f*cking coin, dead wife.

Ah!

I was k*lled by a god.

Which f*cking god?

Wednesday.

Oh!

f*ck that guy.

Do you know who he is?

Who he really is?

Shadow Moon.

You're my man, now.

He's hustling you.

He's a hustler.

Hello, Shadow.

- You're working for Wednesday.

- Yeah.

k*ll him.

You are on a path...

from nothing to everything.

He does not know our world.

I'm easing him in.

What's a god?

Can we even know they exist?

People believe things.

Which means they're real.

So what came first, gods or the people who believed in them?

You've done well with me.

Now, you owe.

I'm calling it in.

Mr.

Wednesday.

Overdue.

I hear w*r...

I am...

Odin!

You wanted a w*r...

...you have one.

Is this real?

Did that just happen?

It's still happening?

Your destination is on the right.

I know where I'm going!

Dude.

You're a mess.

He could've k*lled... me.

Show him.

Challenge.

Buroklammer.

Mister...?

World.

I am Mr. World.

Welcome to Black Briar.

I'll destroy the old fucker.

I'm going to take him out.

I'm going to take them all...

out.

No.

We can't move without preparation, off balance and unready.

We'll marshal our forces, and eradicate his paternal stain from the geriatric tomes of every decrepit church, temple, and back-alley apothecary.

When the time comes...

...the gutters will run black with ichorous spume, and the ossuaries shall overflow with his dust.

This is a time..

for preparation.

I can't sell w*r without my best salesman.

You...

...need to find her.

Find Media.

Oh!

f*ck!

Isn't this fun?

I still don't understand how such a sweet old man could have so many enemies.

Oh, it's perfectly simple, my dear.

Jealousy.

Pure unmitigated jealousy.

They all want what I have.

A good time, wherever I go.

He's the original good time that was had by all.

And I get to ride along with you.

I must be the luckiest girl in the world.

That you are.

But it's my bloody luck you're feeding on, dead wife.

Ow!

f*ck!

What is the House on the Rock?

A place where people come to look, play, and wonder.

Like Disney World.

Dear old Walt.

Built a Magic Kingdom without any magic.

Whereas in some parts of Florida, there is real magic.

Oh, remember the mermaids of Weeki Wachee, Sweeney?

Aye.

Been there and done several of them.

Who knew they'd be into that kind of thing, huh?

They're a very passionate species.

Do you believe in mermaids now?

I don't know what I believe in yet.

I guess...

I dunno, I...

I guess I believe in him.

I want to believe in you.

Sixty years ago, Alex Jordan began to build a house on a high spot of rock in a field he did not even own.

And even more, he could not have told you why.

And people came to see him build it.

The curious and the puzzled, and those who were neither; they could not honestly have told you why they came.

So, he did what any sensible American male of his generation would do: he began to charge them money.

Nothing much.

A nickel.

A quarter.

And he kept building, and the people kept coming.

So, he took those nickels and quarters and made something even bigger and stranger.

He filled the land beneath the house with things for people to see, and they came.

Millions of them every year.

Sorry, Ma'am.

The attraction's closing.

I'll show you out.

You are here for the meeting.

I wasn't formally invited.

Uh.

Hallo.

- Salim?

- Hi.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

Do you boys need a minute?

I need the eyes of Argus on my side to see my enemies.

Make the connection for me.

Black Briar is for the use of the president.

The president is a cardboard cut-out.

I am the man behind the men, behind the man.

Operation Paperclip.

The moon landing.

Roswell.

The Compton cr*ck Wars.

You work for me.

You...

have always worked for me.

So when I say I need to see through the eyes of Argus, you make the connection.

Oh, it is indeed a beautiful Easter Sunday here in the nation's capital, Tracy.

The East Coast can expect mostly mild temperatures and sunshine today, while our friends in Kentucky are still reeling from a freak weather phenomenon which has k*lled thousands of acres of spring crops.

In other weather news, there seems to be some trouble brewing out in southern Wisconsin where a severe weather...

What's the hold-up, Shadow?

You're a god, but you can't open a f*cking gate.

You just give me a minute?

You want me to bust it, Shadow?

I can.

Wha...?

Mad Sweeney?

Is that you?

Or is that Wednesday's bullshit I smell?

A keen nose, Mr. Fancypants.

But that ain't Irish sexy you're smelling.

It's Roadkill Rhonda over here.

Nancy!

So, who'd you bring me?

John Henry?

No, choo-choo train.

No John Henry.

You know that.

Oh, Whiskey Jack?

No whiskey.

No Whiskey Jack.

- Not even the rabbit?

- Ha!

You are persona non grata in the rabbit community.

I think you know why.

So, Easter told me to tell you she ain't coming on account of you mowing over bunnies with your car like some kinda f*cking rabbit r*cist.

Shadow Moon!

Did I or did I not just thrust your rusty butt into bespoke haberdashery just a few days ago?

You're very welcome to come to the house, but you're not invited to the party.

Oh, I'm just keeping an eye on my husband.

Well, look at him.

He's got a spring in his step he didn't have when he left prison.

Which is strange since his wife was m*rder*d.

Highways can be very dangerous places.

If it's any comfort, I know what it's like to be dead.

I once sacrificed myself for knowledge.

I-I hung on the great tree, Yggdrasil, for nine days and nine nights.

And look at you now, all alive.

And I learned a great deal.

You don't have to be roadkill forever.

I'm sure we can come to an arrangement.

f*ck you and your glass eye.

- Find your coin?

- No such luck.

But I did pick up some trash along the way.

Figured you might want your treasure back.

It seems like you found your lucky charm.

You sound like a man who'd fight to get back into those maggoty panties.

You sure that's what you want?

I gave you the freedom to do anything you wanted.

To go anywhere you wanted.

Why are you here?

This is my anywhere.

I'm following my heart.

But you're not using your head, Salim.

I am a Jinn.

You are a mortal man.

And yet you need me.

You desire me.

What I desire is to do my job.

This is not a safe place.

Not tonight.

Please, Salim.

Go.

I do not grant wishes.

Hey, Salim-not-Salim.

It is... showtime.

Do I know you?

Hubal?

Manat?

No, uh, my name is Salim.

I am with him.

Oh...

So, tell me, do we have a full house?

I showed them to the carousel, as you requested.

- How many?

- A dozen, perhaps.

No more.

It'll be enough to light the fire.

There is one...

who was not invited.

Shadow.

- Can't ride without a coin.

- Oh, feck off.

Give us a coin now.

She's not on my list, nor are you.

Come on, sh*t-for-brains!

You know me!

I'm working for your man!

He was most specific...

about you.

Anansi.

You invited the Old Gods to your party?

I was old in the desert before they sacrificed the first horse to you.

I will be heard.

Unless you are afraid.

The wit and wisdom of Queen Bilquis defeated King Solomon.

At the start of any new quest for adventure, it behooves us to consult the Norns, our foretellers of destiny.

After you, Your Majesty.

Oh, that's a good one.

What's it say?

A man's fortune is his own business, Shadow.

Nobody's sharing?

"Every ending is a new beginning.

Your lucky number is none.

Your lucky color is dead.

Motto: Like father, like son." Oh, like all fortunes, Shadow: opaque on arrival, inevitable in retrospect.

Shall we?

It's a motherfuckin' fortune from a f*ckin' wax dummy.

Dummy!

Apparently, the houses in this area were built by some skinny white m*therf*cker named Frank Lloyd Wright.

Some say his evil twin brother built this one: Frank Lloyd Wrong.

Another skinny white m*therf*cker.

You carry on, Nancy.

I'll catch up with you all at the Raven.

Indeed.

Zorya Vechernyaya, evening star, lady of the sunset.

Do you know how beautiful you look?

I am old.

Your tongue is a wicked thing.

We're both old.

But nobody's ever complained about my tongue.

You make me young again.

Forget your foolish w*r!

There will be better times in the days to come.

I promise you that.

How was your bank robbery, huh?

It got you here, Czernobog.

And I'm grateful that you are here.

I'll need your wisdom as well as your hammer before we're through.

I'm not here because of you.

I'm here because I lost a game of checkers to your boy.

Will you join me backstage?

I come in my own time.

I want to hear the music.

It's...

disgusting.

Enjoy.

You wanna dance?

You're a big one.

Built like a brick shithouse.

Twenty-eight-inch shoulders; long, lean lines.

But your posture's for sh*t.

Been hunchin' over your whole life.

When you take a man's measurements, you get a bill for his life expenses.

Little Shadow Moon was a shrimpy little kid...

roughed around on the block until what...

14, you put on two feet and 60 pounds?

Fifteen.

Still 15 on the inside though, ain't you, boy?

You know, I got a son, stupid as a man who bought his stupid at a two-for-one sale.

You remind me of him.

All right, well, if you don't mind, I'll just take that as a compliment.

Being called late than a m*therf*cker on the day they handed out brains is a compliment to you?

Being compared to a member of your family.

You might not be the worst choice old One-Eye could have made, come to that.

Hey, I want a fortune.

All the people coming to your boss's thing are already here.

- Gimme a coin.

- No, and I told you two to get the f*ck out.

- No, no, you don't want to make her upset.

I have seen what she can do.

Actually, you haven't even seen like the tiniest- Just give the f*cking corpse a coin.

- It's broken.

- A broken fortune?

It-it's blank.

Maybe it's because you are dead.

You don't have any more fortune I'll write one for you.

In the very near future, you give the f*ckin' leprechaun his coin back, lie down, and rot.

Wanna try your luck?

All my luck is yours, dead wife.

Don't need to read about it.

Just break the f*ckin' machine.

So, over the centuries, people in other countries felt called to places of power.

They knew there was an energy there, a focus point, a-a channel.

A window to the Immanent.

And they built churches, cathedrals, or they'd, they'd erect a stone circle.

Well, you get the idea.

Yeah, but there's churches all through the States.

No, in the good old USA, people still heed the call of the transcendent void, but they respond to it by building a model out of beer bottles of somewhere they've never visited, or by erecting a giant bat house in some part of the country that bats have traditionally declined to visit.

Or they sell T-shirts and hotdogs.

Roadside attractions!

Where they buy that hotdog and they buy that T-shirt.

And then they wander around feeling satisfied on a level that they cannot truly describe, and profoundly dissatisfied on a level beneath that.

You know, you have got some pretty whacked-out theories.

Nothing theoretical about it, you should know that by now.

Time...

to ride.

Feel the power, Shadow.

Like a prayer wheel going round and round, accumulating power.

Gazed upon by the faithful.

If you follow the signs, you'll never have any mother-f*cking fun!

Won't you join us, Shadow?

I'll keep you safe.

You having fun yet, Shadow?

Ride 'em Nancy.

Where the f*ck am I now?

How long was I out for?

I'm dreaming.

It is real.

We're just backstage.

Waiting in the wings.

Inside Wednesday's memories.

All right, so, you...

what...

you're saying we're in his head?

More or less.

Wait!

But I can...

I can feel the cold.

I-I can smell the air.

Of course.

If this meeting were being held in my head, it would be warm.

The breeze from the incense markets would be intoxicating.

There would be hanging gardens and golden ziggurats...

and silken beds in which to make love.

Time for a story!

'Cause sometimes, people need reminding of things.

We have been fighting...

since the Portuguese invaded the Gold Coast of Ghana!

We stay at w*r.

And just because we are few and they are many, does not mean that we are lost!

When people first came to America...

they brought us with you.

Me, Loki, Thor, Nancy...

the Lion-God, all of you.

We rode in their minds and took root.

But gradually, they abandoned us for a better deal.

A new life in a new land.

Our true believers passed away, or stopped believing.

Left us to fend for ourselves, to get by on what little smidgens of belief or worship we could find.

And that's what we've done.

We've gotten by.

We live in cracks at the edges of society.

Old, forgotten Gods...

in a land without Gods.

But there are New Gods growing in America.

They've already replaced us.

Now they want to destroy us, completely, and if you think otherwise, you are fooling yourselves.

You want us to go to w*r?

You called everyone here for this nonsense?

Most of us have lived in peace in this country for a long time.

I have seen the New Gods rise.

I have seen them fall!

- I say we wait.

- Czernobog is with us.

He has brought his hammer to the fight.

Yeah, when the time is right, my hammer will swing.

And we will need it.

Believe me, these New Gods are not going anywhere soon.

From one God of w*r to another...

when I look out my window, I see no battlefields.

I hear no w*r cries.

Then you are not looking hard enough, Mama-ji.

Odin's right.

These New Gods have more followers, more attention, more power than we ever did.

Where he is wrong...

is in thinking this is a bad thing.

They showed me how to use their tools.

Now I can bring my message directly to my people.

I accept my worship, my way.

And I grow in power.

The choice is yours.

Evolve or die.

I believe him.

I lost everyone.

Everyone that I...

I ever cared about.

Everything I knew.

To a point where I...

I forgot who I was.

Lost my light.

That's what my mom would've said.

But Wednesday...

Odin...

...is helping me remember.

He's giving me the chance to, to be worthy of, of that unwavering faith and belief that-that my mother once had in me.

And...

it sounds to me like he's offering you the same thing.

So, why won't you just let him help you?

Just help him.

Help him remind the people who you are!

Regain the faith of your Creator and just take the chance!

Take the chance to be worthy of their belief.

Shadow Moon.

To be continued in what some call the real world.

I think we're winning them over.

You could be my closer, kid.

Did that happen?

Did what happen?

Did we ride the carousel?

What f*cking carousel?

Seriously, are-are you not worried about cancer?

I am...

cancer.

You know what?

I like cigarettes because they remind me of the offerings that they once b*rned in my honor.

The smoke...

mmm...

rising up to the sky as they begged for my approval, my favor.

So, is everyone in here a God?

- A God?

- Yeah.

These are all idiots.

You see, I'm here because I lost a game of checkers to you.

Hey, listen...

I've been thinking...

thinking good.

Why don't we make it best of three?

What do you say?

Then, I k*ll you.

I go home.

Is good, right?

So, what's your story?

What makes you think I have a story?

You aren't eating or drinking.

Wednesday's not trying to sell you anything.

- Yeah, well, I'm just...

- The most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

What are you?

A Hungarian goddess of death?

I'm from Eagle Point, Indiana.

Sounds beautiful.

What's your name, Eagle Point?

Laura.

Laura Moon.

The same name as the bodyguard.

Yeah, he's my husband.

If you hurt him, I will k*ll you.

I could have tracked 'em for you.

I need her to feel complicity.

Blah, blah, blah.

f*ck 'em up already.

Recover the package.

This is...

so f*cking weird.

Yeah.

You know, I...

I...

I really didn't think I was ever going to see you again outside of a dream.

I can always see you.

I could be blindfolded and dropped into the ocean and I would know where you were.

What was backstage?

I don't know.

I mean...

I mean, we-we went somewhere and-and we-we tried to sell these folks on-on a w*r that they don't want to fight.

You know, but there's-there's something special going on here, and I feel a part of it.

He is dangerous.

- Laura...

- I need you to believe that.

I need you to believe in us.

Hey, Shadow!

I want you to come over here and meet Mama-ji!

Biggest, badass demon k*ller this side of Ranchipoor.

Shadow.

I'll be back.

I guess we all make our choices.

He's not choosing.

That's not my Puppy.

My Puppy wanted his nine-to-five at the gym and Sundays in bed with me.

Your Puppy's gone.

He's Wednesday's now.

No, he's still mine.

Hurts when someone takes what's yours.

Doesn't it?

130- 7925.

Never, ever let anyone know I said this.

But, sometimes...

the old ways are the best.

There's nothing like a Kn*fe in the back...

for close-up efficiency.

And I need to put the fear of me...

into some Old Gods.

Let them feel shock and awe...

pain and grief.

Let them know what real sacrifice...

feels like.

Laura, get down!

No!

You are such...

a bad good man.

I do not...

wish to...

...say goodbye.

Whoever did this, I curse.

I curse you!

I curse you with the Czernobog's curse!

f*ck you, and f*ck your mother, and f*ck that f*cking horse that you rode in on.

You will not even die in a battle.

No warrior will taste your blood.

No one alive will take your life.

She will find you...

and you will die with a sweet kiss on your lips...

and eternal darkness in your soul.

Is this what it takes?

Is this what it takes?

f*ck!