04x04 - No One's Coming

[bunniefuu]

So do you know what you're gonna do about Mike?

Ugh, I don't know, I'm still trying to weigh my options.

I mean, can I fire him?

Sure he's a liability, but I'm implicated - in those videos, too.

- Oh, there we go.

- Oh, good job, buddy!

- All done.

No swimming today, okay, pal?

Okay, take as much time as you need, But just remember, no one's coming.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It's your company.

Your name on the line, and no one's coming to save you.

- Okay, that's sorta grim.

- No way, it's like empowering.

However you wanna handle it, no one's coming.

- It's all you.

- Hmm.

No one's coming.

Okay.

Swimmer ear drops done, what's next?

- Daycare birthday cupcakes.

- Daycare birthday cupcakes!

One years old!

Oh my God, where does the time go?

Look at you, growin' by the minute.

- Love you so much.

What's next?

- Will you write the note - to get him out of swimming.

- Yes.

I will finish him up here.

Oh!

My Dad called, by the way.

They're gonna be here at five for Ella's birthday dinner.

- Five?

- Well, any later, and it's encroaching on everyone's bedtimes.

No, totally, I'll make it work.

Hey, will you flip me the confirmation number - for the birthday cake?

- Yep.

_ Oh Mike, what have you done?

So when you said you were working on a fix, what you had really meant is that you were pulling the trigger on a campaign without my approval?!

Oh Jesus, easy does it.

Okay, come on.

You knew about this.

Oh, don't you even try to f*ckin' gaslight me right now.

You see that sign on the wall?

It says "Kate Foster PR," not "Bolinski's Bargain Bullshit!" What kind of company name would that be?

Hey, Tru Air is on the phone.

You have Aidan and Lisa.

Hiiiii.

Tru Air's new baby discrimination policy, announced today via email promotion, marks a new low in corporate pandering.

Come on, who said that?

The Globe!

You know, the most popular newspaper among our customer base?!

Okay, okay.

Um...

is there any chance you guys could come in today, and we could talk about this?

We were going to suggest a face-to-face as well.

We'll be in touch.

Well, I didn't think they'd get that spooked over one piece of bad press.

It's very short-sighted of them.

Speaking of short-sighted...

did you see the wall coming?

Excuse me?

Let's party!

What's your wrestling name?

El Bolinski?

Yeah.

I hate that I recognize those tattoos, too.

- I can explain that.

- You have one minute.

And only because I'm curious.

Okay, well, I was working late on Tru Air.

- I'm a hard worker.

- Mhmm.

And Trish told me not to come home smelling like booze, and I'd already had a scotch trio, so...

A trio?

Oh, so you have a drinking problem.

I prefer "routine." Anyway, I closed my eyes for a few minutes.

You passed out.

Again, you can spin it however you like.

But when I woke up, this party was in full swing.

And the only way for me to get out of there without being seen was to find the nearest disguise, which happened to be that mask.

And I hit a wall on the way out.

My bad.

And at what point during this discreet escape did this occur?

The "Macarena" came on, and they-they don't even know the dance!

Come on, it's on our generation to keep it alive!

No, not the "Macarena." You're on camera giving this sh*t to minors!

What?

No!

You're playing that in reverse, because I-I didn't...

give it to minors, I was taking it away from the minors.

Oh my God.

Look, I already fixed the damn hole in the wall, there's nothing left for me to do.

You could walk away.

You are wrong for the brand.

And then what am I gonna do?

I'm just gonna hand over all of the work that I've done on Après?

Once you release yourself from Après, I will buy you out of Tru Air.

This is the remainder of your half of our contract with them.

Wow.

You just really want me gone, huh?

I want you to take this free money, and figure your sh*t out.

Look...

Kate, I have a problem.

Truthfully, I'm a little light on clients right now, and with the baby coming and everything, it's just, it's been really f*ckin' hard!

Yeah, I get it, and I feel for you, man.

But this is too little, too late.

What's so great about you, anyway?

- Excuse me?

- Huh?

Why's everybody always blowing smoke up your ass?!

- You're just a bitch!

- Whoa!

- And you're not even that hot.

- Jesus, dude!

And I don't even like Jews.

That came out wrong.

Jews are fine.

Hey, how's it goin'?

Makin' good progress?

Uh, great progress, yeah.

Sure, the-the first chapter's gonna blow your tits off.

Can't wait.

So look, it's been a little while since we checked in, you should be where, like, Chapter Three?

Four?

- Mhmm, totally, yep.

- Whew!

I was hoping we wouldn't have to ask for an extension.

Sorry, you can ask for an extension?

Oh yeah, it happens all the time.

But publishers hate it, and it looks great when a first-time author doesn't need one.

In fact, why don't we sh**t them over a couple of pages - to whet their appetite?

- Pages, sure, yeah.

How-how many are we talking about?

I don't know, what, the first two chapters, - how's that sound?

- Okay, sure, I could revise those and probably have them - to you by next...

- Dad, we're late!

Am I on speakerphone?

Sorry Natashia, it's a full house here.

So, those pages by tonight, then?

Uh...

hey!

Okay.

- Sure.

- Great.

Talk soon.

Jubal, don't relent, you show that little turd who's boss!

Oh!

Ah!

You're not as annoying as usual.

Is something going on in that tiny little brain of yours?

I'm in the zone, douchebag.

You never heard of a game face?

Is that what that is?

I thought you were just trying to hold in a fart.

I don't fart.

I've got a big day ahead of me.

Gonna start sh*t at work.

Serve up a little justice.

Oh yeah?

Mhmm, like Joan of Arc.

Do you know how things ended for her?

Yeah.

- You don't.

- Yes, I do!

She was b*rned at the stake in front of 10,000 people.

Did someone really let you put a baby in them, or did you steal that kid, so you could compare d*ck sizes?

Same question to you, but for boobs.

f*ck you.

f*ck you.

Nice cardigan, Arden.

Whoa, ha, that's like a tongue twister.

Maybe we should just call you Ardigan?

Okay.

Anyway...

did you know that Leon makes like, $250 more dollars than you per week?

Doing the same exact job.

It seems unfair, no?

Hey Gary, why do you make more money than Masooma?

Hey Gena, um...

how come you make less money than Harry, Michael, and James?

- Something called the wage gap?

- What?

- It's really annoying.

- No.

Aaah!

f*ck!

Arrrrgh!

Ow!

Hey!

Wha...

Okay, which one of you threw that at me?

Oh, we all did, Marvin.

Every underpaid woman in this office.

And we're ready to walk out on you, - just like your beard did.

- I'm sorry?

No, I'm sorry...

that we still work in an office with a glaring pay gap!

Yeah!

Okay.

So what exactly do you want?

Equal pay, obviously.

And...

- Daycare.

- And a daycare.

And how about some better almond milk?

You're not a part of this, Gary!

Okay, okay, like, I can maybe do something about the almond milk thing.

But I-I don't decide what everyone gets paid, and I certainly don't have the power to start a daycare here.

Well then, you better talk to the people who do, Marvin.

Because this fight is just beginning.

It's time for... me!

It's...

it's "me time!" Hashtag: metime!

- Uh, but isn't it "MeToo?" - I think she's trying to do - "time's up." - Time is up?

Okay...

come on!

Punishment mode.

Boom!

Yesss!

And save.

Save!

Yeah, that looks great, thank you guys, I appreciate it.

Hey, you know how Mike promised his work on Après was classy, on brand, and almost finished?

- Yeah?

- Yeah, take a look.

"Elevate brotherhood?!" This looks like it was designed by some hikers in Thailand who miss their frat brothers.

Yeah, one of these is just two guys hugging, really hard.

Why are they hugging so hard?

Okay well, we can't show this to Craig.

This is-this is useless.

We need new copy.

- We need new photos.

- And a new idea.

How are we gonna come up with this before this meeting?

Well, first of all, thank you for using "we".

- Rosie.

- Secondly, I'm not sure we can.

Yeah, no one's coming.

Hold up.

Hey you!

Have you ever wanted to have a drink with a real author?

Well, now you can, because I just wrote two whole chapters, bitch!

Dude, that's amazing, congrats!

Thanks, you wanna celebrate?

sh*t dude, I wish I could, but work is crazy.

- Yeah, I figured.

- They're cute.

- Guess I'm taking myself out.

- I love you.

Bye.

Oh my goodness.

- Excuse the f*ck outta me.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- Oh hey dude, what?

- Hey!

- This is so funny!

- Uh, which part?

The fact that you're having a mid-workday playdate at our favorite spot?

Or that you told me you were stuck at work?

No, this is work, actually, Maya is doing some last minute photos for this weed beer pitch I'm doing.

- Really?

- She thought of me when she saw the pics I took of our kids.

- She's so good.

- Thanks, universe.

- Yes.

- Come on, have a seat.

- Yeah!

- Are you sure?

I don't-I don't wanna interrupt all the work you're doing.

Ah, it's cool, we're pretty much done here.

- Sit down.

- Alright.

Maya, Anne's actually celebrating a pretty impossible deadline for this book deal she's got.

Book deal!

That's dope, what's it about?

Hey Maya, did you know that it's Ella's - first birthday today?

- I did, yeah.

Kate was saying that she's hosting both sets - of in-laws tonight.

- I am, God help me.

Hmm, venting, hanging, working, all the things.

Hmm.

Oh!

Oh sh*t.

- Don't you dare.

- I have to.

- Hey, excuse me?

- You certainly do not.

I've been here over an hour, and I've really gotta wrap some stuff up at work.

Thank you.

This is rude, I acknowledge that this is rude.

- Don't worry about it.

- You're amazing.

Bye, Anne.

I actually have to go, too.

- Ciao.

- Hm.

Ciao.

Stupid.

- Who's Ella?

- Oh, my one year old.

Little dummy doesn't even know I forgot to leave them at daycare, so have at 'em.

So, no time to waste, we've got parents to win back.

Let me stop you before you go any further.

I'm sure what you have is great.

But uh, we have strict instructions.

Someone's gotta take the fall for this.

- Oh.

- I really am sorry, Kate.

No, no!

No!

Mike, are you okay?

I will be once I mow down one of these bad boys.

Oh, uh, Mike, we've just been fired, so whatever you have to say can wait.

No, it can't wait, so just sit down.

I hope I don't have to call security.

Please, everyone, sit!

We are seated, Mike.

Okay.

So, this whole baby segregation thing, that was my idea.

Kate, she tried to discourage me from the beginning, and I went behind her back and I did it anyway.

So if heads have gotta roll, roll mine.

- We really do like you, Kate.

- Thank you.

I-I really care about your company, and I would love to fix this, all of this.

Look, Kate's the real deal.

You'd only be screwing yourselves over by f*ring her.

Okay look, let's just pause.

Alright, we need a second to process this.

- We'll be in touch.

- Absolutely, thank you.

We can uh, show ourselves...

- out.

- Mike!

- Thank you.

- Thank you, Rosie.

So I called Craig, and I told him I'm a total f*ck up, and took myself off the Après account.

Wow, uh...

thank you.

And I wanna say thank you.

For guiding me down the right path.

You're like an emotional Sherpa.

Oh...

A Sherpa that I've been inside of.

Okay.

So, you said we were celebrating something?

It doesn't matter.

- Where's Kate?

- I don't know, busy.

Well if it isn't "Party-time Carlson!" You don't like me very much, do you?

Not particularly, no.

Then why are you here?

- I thought Kate was coming.

- What is your beef with me?

- You wanna do this?

- Sure.

Let 'er rip.

You're angry, judgmental, crass, but not in a fun way.

And your face, permanently scrunched up as if someone broke wind nearby.

All right, enough.

It's just that I finally have something to celebrate, and my best friend is off with that hipster Annie Liebowitz.

What, do you think when you go into that house of yours, and work on that book, and yell at that daughter, that the world just pauses and waits for you to re-enter it?

Like the "Trum-Anne Show?" - No, but...

- Quit sulking!

- People live full lives!

- You're right.

It's up to you to make yourself available, and to...

make an effort, dummy!

You're absolutely right.

And please consider rotating a little color into your wardrobe!

You are making a lot of sense right now, Val.

I got an email asking me to...

Oh!

You're the freedom fighter.

- The what?

- That's what they're calling you.

I think you're awesome.

Oh my God.

Thank you!

You can go right in.

Shithead?

You're an executive?

Oh my God!

I can't believe this!

Wow!

What the f*ck?!

Ms. Matthews, please sit.

Okay, why are you being so weird?

I'm not sure what you mean.

We know each other.

At the park?

Like, this morning!

Anyway, Ms. Matthews, now, we've obviously caught wind of the uh, little revolution that you've started.

And I appreciate the inconsistencies you've been able to point out.

They're not inconsistencies.

It's sexism.

No, it can't be, I'm not a sexist.

However, we did run some numbers, and we came across two women who should be at a significantly higher pay rate.

Only two?

I'm sorry, but if you think you can...

You're one of them.

- Oh.

- You and...

Gena Morris.

So, congratulations.

Truthfully, cash flow is a little tight, but luckily for you, we found some dead weight.

So I'll just take care of that employee, and the raise is yours.

Thank you.

Hey loser, I heard you left your d*ck in the closet.

Need help finding it?

You're gonna have to find it yourself, Jenny, I'm super late for an important meeting.

Mr. Matthews?

They're waiting for you upstairs.

Do you hear that?

They're waiting for me.

Hey listen, can you pick up Zoe?

I don't know how long this is gonna take.

Thank you!

sh*t!

Is that what you're looking for?

What the f*ck is that?

- Is somebody in our house?

- What?

No.

Did a pen explode in your mouth?

- No!

- Hmm, it's strangely sexy.

Who were you talking to?

This is me embracing the future.

Check this out.

Alexa, cool down the room.

Okay.

Really?

The temperature's perfectly fine.

Yeah it was, 'til you got here.

Then I started to get all warm under the collar, - Oh...

- all hot and bothered!

- Oh!

- Lionel!

- Mhmm?

- Lionel!

- I have a book to write.

- Come on, take a little break.

Are you happy to see Grandma and Grandpa?

Boo!

Boo!

Boo!

Boop!

So it-it's been a while, you know, since we've seen you.

It seems to be longer and longer lately, - is everything okay?

- Everything's fine, Mom.

We've just got our hands full with the kids, and the move, - and Kate's new business.

- Mm.

Well, I for one am amazed at how quickly things got back to normal after moving in here, and getting back together.

Bravo, honey.

- Back together?

- Well, uh...

Oh my God.

You didn't tell them.

- Huh?

- Nathan, what does she mean?

Mom, uh, Kate and I have been going through some stuff.

But we've been working really hard on rebuilding.

Yeah.

- Did he cheat on you?

- Oh, big time!

I wish I could say I was surprised.

Don't start, Lyla.

But the Foster men are a rotten breed.

Leave him.

- Excuse me?

- Said the same thing.

Leave him while you still can, before he blows all your money, and you lose your house!

Mom, what are you talking about?

- We're homeless, Nathan.

- Oh my God.

Look, I'm sorry, I didn't want you to find out this way.

Yet this is how she tells him, right?

Not another word, Roger!

Sorry, slow down.

What happened?

- Do you remember Pete from the Y?

- No.

Well, Pete told your father that he had found the best place for him to put our money.

Meanwhile, it seems the best place for Pete is in prison, and all of our money, poof!

So they are foreclosing on the house, and that is it!

There is no one coming to help us.

No one is coming.

- So, where will you live?

- Right.

Where will you...

Oh...

oh.

Oh...

no.