04x07 - Bad Reputation

[bunniefuu]

Hey, you ready to go?

- What's on your face?

- Makeup.

- Does it look stupid?

- Kinda.

Alice!

I came all this way to drive you to this party.

Whatever.

I don't wanna go anymore.

- What?

What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- I just... don't wanna go, okay?

- Hey.

- What?

- Don't "what" me.

- That's it give me the phone!

- Don't!

Why won't you just tell me what's going on?

Why don't you wanna go to the party?

They're all calling me a slut!

Excuse me?

All right, Alice, you are going to that party because you hold the power.

And the best part about having power is that you get to call the sh*ts, make the choices.

Yes, exactly.

Like right now I'm making the choice not comment on how insane your mother looks.

You literally just did.

Did you audition for "The Craft" this morning?

Come on, you think this is cool.

Let's just focus on Alice right now?

- Fine.

- Okay.

You wanna to this end, you gotta change the conversation.

- Now give me your phone.

- Why?

Because we are gonna read all those dirty messages and you are gonna shut them down.

It's for your own good.

Okay, the first one: "Is it true you let Steven pee in your butt?" - EW!

- The hell?

Okay.

That's gross!

Um, what do you have to say about that?

- No one peed in my butt.

- Yes.

Obviously.

But you gotta spin this to make them feel like you're using their words against them.

Okay.

Um...

"Maybe you're the toilet, 'cause you're full of sh*t!" Hmm.

Yeah.

That's good.

That's good.

Okay.

Fine.

I mean, I'm not hurting, - but...

good start.

- Let me try.

- All right.

- Okay.

Christie says: "My cousin told me "that if you jerk off guys your boobs'll get bigger.

Is that why you jerked off Steven?" No.

This literally makes no sense.

Now what is that kid like a boob genie?

You just rub one out, and poof... cans?

- Ridiculous.

- Stupid.

Okay.

What do you say?

Well, I didn't do that...

but if that gave you big boobs Christie would have double D's!

Yeah, because Christie is going around jerking off...

Okay.

It's implied.

It's implied.

Give me this.

Steven writes: "Maybe if you come tonight, we can...

have sex again?" No!

No!

Because we never did that!

And I'm sorry that you think sex is kissing a girl, YOU STUPID JIZZ BABY!

- She's ready.

- Let's go to a party!

Come on, baby!

Hey.

You got this.

Okay, she's got this.

Let's go.

Yep, and if she doesn't I always have pepper spray - in my purse.

- What did you say?

Oh wait that's him.

Choo choo, Alice.

Please.

You don't have the balls to ride this train.

- Atta girl!

- Humiliate him!

Is your laundry machine pregnant from all the crusty khakis your mom washes?

Man, f*ck you.

Unbelievable, this guy.

Unbelievable.

- Agh!

- Ah!

- Anne!

Hey...

- What the hell!

Maybe we should go!

We gotta go.

Go-go-go-go!

Oh.

Okay.

You're doing so great, buddy.

- Keep going.

Show mommy.

- Okay, just...

- There you go.

- You got it, Charlie.

Focus.

If you open this side to the left a little...

- Kate, stop helping him.

- Okay.

I'm sorry.

He's been doing it all weekend by himself.

Oh, right.

While I was in New York.

Yes, while you were in New York.

Oh, well, great job, Nathan.

Thrilled you've made such progress with buttons while I was bending over backwards to get Tru Air - to stick around...

- Kate, the therapist said you have to let him do it on his own.

Oh, come on.

He's not gonna be some pant-less hobo, still rocking a diaper in his 30s if I help him once!

Okay?

Come on, Charlie, pants on.

Okay?

Okay.

See.

Right now you're telling him he's incapable.

No, I'm telling him that I'm in a rush.

Time management: also a skill.

We'll work on buttons later.

Okay, buddy?

He just needs you to believe in him.

Yeah.

Well, I need his ass in the back of my car, or we're gonna miss the bus, and then Charlie is not gonna get to go strawberry picking.

Oh now you're worried about missing things, you didn't seem so concerned about missing our trip.

Oh, for God sakes!

You know what?

I cannot be responsible for keeping the pants on our relationship.

For tying the shoe laces of our, of our marriage!

For zipping the zipper on the...

- This analogy is exhausting.

- You're exhausting!

Get Ella to daycare!

It's your turn.

I gotta go.

It's okay, Monkey, let's go!

- Let's go.

Let's go.

- Good bye, buddy.

I love you.

- And your daddy can be...

- Oh my God.

God forbid I help you with anything!

Hey Rose.

I've got Craig on the line, connecting you now.

Thank you.

- Craig, how are you?

- How am I?

Kate, have you not seen the news?

No, I've been a little preoccupied with buttons.

What?

Kate, a high school basketball player drank six cans of Après and ran into traffic!

Oh my God, did he die?!

No, but he said he drank that much because he wanted to win just like his favorite player, Chris Gomes.

Goddamnit.

Don't worry, okay?

This'll be out of the news cycle by lunch.

I can't take that chance, Kate.

The health inspector is all over me.

They think we're a danger to the public.

And if they pull us out of stores you're out of a job, okay?

And I-I'm back to teaching hot yoga.

So we gotta get out ahead of this!

Okay, okay.

Um...

what about a media tour of your facility?

You know, show Après as a safe, ethical product, which it is.

And show Admiral as a company that wants to educate the public about weed beer?

Hm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll try anything.

That's great.

Just uh...

just don't go to the fifth floor.

Fine great.

Let me see what I can put together - and I'll get over there ASAP.

- Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Hi.

Let's get you on that bus.

Come here!

Come here!

Come here!

Come here!

Come here!

No-no-no-no-no!

Hey!

There's one more kid!

One more kid!

I need you to stay right here, okay?

Just stay right there for a second.

Missed the g*dd*mn...

agh!

Oh f*ck!

I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Okay?

You're gonna go with Mommy to work, okay?

It's gonna be a fun Mommy work day.

- Yes.

- Yeah, let's put out some fires!

- Fire.

- Yeah.

Son-of-a...

Hey, I'm sorry I was coo coo back there.

All right, baby.

But look, all day in the sun, you don't want that.

It's better you're with me, okay?

Nathan Foster, leave a message.

Hey Nathan.

Guess what?

We missed the bus!

And now Charlie gets to watch Mommy all day...

I'll call back to yell at you in a sec.

Hey Rosie.

I have Dana Brown on the other line.

- Connecting you now.

- Thank God.

- Dana?

- Hey Kate, how are ya?

Great.

Look, I know it's last second, but I got a great story that would be the perfect follow up to your last piece on legalization.

Okay.

I'm intrigued.

The doctor said he's gonna grow into his face.

Oh.

He's...

very cute.

- Hi.

Sorry I'm late!

- Hi.

Hey, no problem.

This is my partner, Frankie Coyne.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm here and I'm ready to be a signatory for that little man's college fund!

Great!

We will just have you sign right here, and here, and you'll have all the same privileges as Bianca.

- Okay.

- Okay.

So...

the total in the account is...

one dollar.

What?

Where's the rest?!

Oh, um...

looks like there was a withdrawal by a Solomon Kenny for ten thousand dollars.

Well, that's impossible 'cause that's Solomon Kenny.

That's a baby.

Yeah.

We know!

Babies can't make withdrawals.

Who do you guys think did it?

Sean!

Sean, are you in there?!

We gotta talk!

Oh.

Ah...

is-is Sean here?

No.

You sure you got the right place?

This is the address on his form.

- I dropped him here last week!

- What's going on?

We're looking for a very handsome man, who uh, steals money, and gives out sperm for free?

- Oh, no-no-no!

- Oh!

No-no wait-wait!

We're not crazy!

Ah...

oh...

this is my son's father.

Have you seen him?

Oh yeah, that guy does yard work sometimes.

But he doesn't live here.

Okay.

So where does he live?

Why are you asking me?

It's her husband.

He's not!

And that is very presumptuous.

Okay.

No, Charlie, come on.

Charlie.

Okay.

Remember, buddy, gotta be quiet, 'cause this is Mommy's client.

- What the...?

- There it goes again!

Kate!

You're here.

Thank God.

Thank you for setting this up so quickly.

What's going on around here?

Charlie, come on.

Oh, it's such a clusterfuck.

The server that controls the automated system, you know, the conveyor belts and stuff?

- It's kinda on the fritz.

- Kinda?

We have to keep rebooting it.

Yeah.

But don't worry.

Don't worry.

We have a fail safe, and Cynthia here is testing everything so.

Give her the...

good.

And keep me posted, Cynth.

Yeah?

Thank you.

Um, what-what-what is this here?

Yes.

This is Charlie.

This is my son, I'm sorry I had to bring him.

Charlie stand up.

Kate, you know this is no place for...

Oh yeah.

Okay.

No, I see what you're doing.

Après is "safe enough for a toddler".

Yeah.

That's-that's pretty good.

It's not safe though, just so you know.

- I know.

Yep.

- Okay.

Hey, little man, you take that and you use it for something that sparks joy.

Or...

there's a snack bar over there.

- You like cookies?

- Oooh.

All right.

So...

Should we reschedule this tour?

No, no...

we need this.

Okay?

Okay.

- So you know this reporter?

- Yes.

And do not worry, okay?

I'll be there every step of the way to help - guide Dana through this...

- You mean, William.

Hi.

I'm William Cross, Dana sent me.

- She did?

- Yes.

She thought it'd be unethical to do the story since you two are...

so close.

We're not that close.

We're not that close.

Well, I assure you, I'm very open-minded.

Okay.

So have you ever tried THC?

I have not.

It's a gateway drug.

Maybe it's a, a gateway to enlightenment.

Ah!

I see you've found Chris Gomes.

All-Star team and a big fan of...

Of the sativa brew that made that kid run into traffic?

Heard this guy was his hero.

Well, Après is not responsible for that.

Really?

Reports say he had way more than what's supposed to be in six Après in his blood.

Then he must have ingested additional substances.

That's right.

Because Admiral is actually very particular about their dosage.

Craig here can show you exactly how that's done today.

- Isn't that right, Craig?

- Absolutely.

- Yes, please, this way.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

- Let's go.

Let's talk THC.

Nice purse there, Jenny.

Looks expensive.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, it's new.

Oh yeah?

Did it cost you your dignity?

Or just Ian's salary?

What are you talking about?

We trusted you to look out for us and all you did was look out for yourself!

- Where did you get this?

- The same place you got it!

I work in accounting, you idiot!

Okay.

Well, then you know that Gena took a raise too!

Actually, I didn't, Jenny.

Because it's obviously hush money.

No it wasn't!

Yeah, it was, sell out!

Yeah.

So much for closing the wage gap.

Hey, everybody, MeTime is a SHAM!

Why do you even care, Gary?

This is a women's movement.

You're not even part of it.

Well, maybe that's exactly the point.

Okay?

MeTime has no ME in it, and I'd like to see myself reflected.

You got your almond milk, didn't you?

It's white.

Has pulverized nuts.

Seems like a reflection to me.

- My nuts are not pulverized.

- Okay.

You know what?

I don't want a leader who can be bought.

Gena you should head up the movement!

Sure.

Okay.

Now just-just hold on!

Before you go following Gena off a cliff, I have the ear of the higher ups.

Yeah.

Malcolm Cody Patrick and I are friends.

So, if you want something, I'm the one who can get it for you.

Get it for them.

- Really?

Well...

- We're trapped.

She has us by the pulverized nuts.

Yeah.

I mean...

Hush money!?

My raise was HUSH MONEY?

Did you not think I would find out!?

Well, I thought you already knew.

Look, when the underlings make a play, I've gotta keep 'em in check.

So you lied about my merit to avoid giving everyone else raises?

Oh, I could have lied to you and not given you anything, but I like to think of you as a friend.

Now...

do you...

do you wanna give it back?

Is that...?

No, I do not, Kid d*ck.

Jenny, we don't speak to each other that way at work, okay?

Our pet names are just for playtime.

Then get ready to play, Cocktail Weenie.

'Cause we have other requests.

And if you don't make them a reality, I will make you regret this.

You can do whatever you want, you're not getting...

anything.

No, they're everywhere.

Is this where you mix the groovy juice with a splash of "far out" or uh...?

Actually, it's-it's a common misconception that THC products are designed haphazardly.

But Après' process is incredibly precise.

Different strains for different gains.

How do you control the dosage?

Oh, the droppers are computerized.

Yeah.

See each drink is crafted with a five milligram dose that leaves you feeling the effects without leveling you.

There you go.

Oh.

- What was that?

- Um...

Uh, they-those-those are rolling brown outs.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're happening everywhere right now.

- Are they?

- Yeah.

Well, you know, summer time it gets so hot.

So hot?

Do the brown outs affect the production line?

Oh, God no.

No.

And even if they did, look, we test each batch before it goes out.

You see?

Yes.

Uh, it's perfectly safe, William.

Truly.

And if you're not convinced, perhaps you like to try?

Oh!

Um...

I don't know...

I don't wanna get...

Look, I'm not reporting for Vice.

You'll be fine, okay?

If used properly, I think you'll find them very similar to normal beer.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

I mean, I don't know why I thought I could come out for this job and not try one.

That's the spirit!

Um...

uh, actually before you dive in...

uh, or do you have any allergy?

Ah did, uh, did you drive here?

Oh, it's okay, I rollerbladed.

Now will I get a sense of the flavor by sniffing the bouquet?

I only drink white wine.

Right.

Ah...

no!

No.

You won't.

You won't.

And, you know, for a guy who likes a nice chilled vino, bleh, these are not, these aren't good enough for you.

Well, they're room temperature, so...

- No, I-I'm fine with that.

- No.

Oh Craig, you don't have to do...

the other one...

Okay.

You don't have to...

Well, you know me...

I-I like 'em warm.

'Cause I got sensitive teeth.

Anyway...

we should get you to the lab.

Yes.

Yes.

Uh, Cynthia would you please escort this fine gentleman right through those doors, we'll be right behind you.

- Cold.

Nice cold samples.

- Thank you, so much.

- Great.

- Get him the best.

- What the hell is going on?!

- Well um...

one, or all of those cans may have more THC than intended.

Are you saying that these beers are overdosed?

Oh, considerably.

Yeah.

Have any of them gone out to the public?

- No!

No-no-no-no.

- Oh thank God.

This is only the last 24 hours.

No.

None of them have left the building.

Good.

So we just have to cut this short - because you're about to have...

- No-no-no.

Hold on.

Wait a second.

Wait.

Wait.

No.

I-I'm fine, okay?

Hey-hey-hey.

I'm pretty experienced with this stuff, so I'm-I'm good.

And-and I'll hold it together.

You better, because he can not know.

I'm good.

I'm a pro.

I'm an old pro.

- You sure you're...

- Yeah, I'm good.

- All right.

- Okay.

- Charlie.

- I got this.

Okay?

Let's get this backpack on.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I got this.

Here we go.

On our way.

Oh my God.

Lionel, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.

Okay.

That you want me to go Goth too, because I'm in.

We need to stop telling Alice who she's supposed to be or we're never gonna find out who she really is.

Is this still part of "Punishment: The Ultimate Reward?" About that.

I-I'm not writing that book anymore.

Sorry.

You what?

We, uh, already spent the advance.

Yeah.

I know.

But I have a new idea.

And it's about empowerment.

And I want Alice to help with it.

- Go on...

- I even have a title.

Hold that thought.

Alexa!

Drum roll, please.

Okay.

"Running Your Own Train".

- Uh huh.

- You hate it?

- Terrible title.

- Dammit.

But it's a great idea!

I mean the other one was becoming like "Punishment: The Ultimate Bummer." - You really like it?

- Yeah.

I mean the title...

woof, but the idea way better than the other one.

Okay.

Hey, losers!

Listen up!

I have an important announcement to make.

What?

Did you get another raise?

No, I got you something better.

I convinced upper management to provide you all with...

a DAYCARE!

Are you serious?

As cancer, Arden.

And it's starting tomorrow!

How is a daycare starting tomorrow, Jenny?

If you don't believe me, I'll see you on the executive floor.

- Now, what do you say?

- Uh, thanks?

You're welcome.

- Mommy.

- Charlie, buddy, I want you to sit right here.

Okay?

Don't move a muscle.

- Uh, uh...

Will, can I call you Will?

- Yeah.

Uh, let me take you through these very safe samples.

These are our THC beers.

We've got our sativa strain, and an indica strain.

And the last one here is Gentle Mind, or CBD brew.

Pick your poison.

Not that it is actual poison.

This is not.

It is certainty not poison.

- Uh huh.

- Hm.

What do you think?

- It's fine.

- Hm.

But who drinks beer from a sh*t glass?

- Right.

- I feel like this isn't an accurate representation of how much people will consume.

Or how it'll affect them?

I'm-I'm completely fine.

- Are you?

- No.

But whilst I'm not okay, I am very much okay.

- Whilst not being...

- Stop saying whilst.

- Let me handle this.

- Okay.

Listen, William, I don't mean to be rude, but I feel like you might have an agenda here.

You're ready to paint Après as the man in the unmarked van offering candy to kids.

But really it's a gourmet taco truck, for adults.

You know who wants Après?

Responsible, business-owning mothers...

- people like me.

- Oh please.

I do.

But I don't wanna give it to kids.

I mean, it's not safe for this guy...

Char-Charlie?

Where did he go?

Charlie.

Char-Charlie?

Maybe he went off to play by himself?

In a factory?

He can't...

he can't do anything by himself!

Charlie?

Char-Charlie?

Goddamnit.

Charlie?

Where is he?

Where is he?

Charlie!

What are you doing in there?

What are you doing?

No-no-no-no.

No!

Damnit.

Craig, what's on the fifth floor?

Oh, sh*t.