09x10 - Meatless Mike

[bunniefuu]

- Cute, huh?

- So cute.

I can't believe my fancy sis has a house with a garage apartment behind it.

Oh, please, it is more elegant to call it a coach house.

Which just happens to rattle every time - the garage door opens.

- (CHUCKLES)

Well, it's awesome.

And did you paint the walls Whispering Dove?

That is my favorite white.

Of course I know it's your favorite.

Much like the sea-foam green in the bedroom is also your favorite.

I guess that means you have to find a tenant who's got my taste.

Wait a minute.

Oh, this place would be perfect for you guys.

I mean, you've been looking to move out of Mom and Dad's.

Yeah, it was kind of lame living in my parents' house.

I would be way cooler living in my sister's garage.

It would be great.

You and I would get to see each other all the time.

And how cool would it be for Sarah and Evelyn to grow up sharing a front yard?

Okay, that would be cool.

- Wait, this is kind of amazing.

- Right?

- Yay.

- Yay.

Okay, so now all we have to do is sell Kyle on the idea.

Hey.

Your new house is awesome.

Hey, did you see there's a little, uh, foot bath out front?

That's a fountain.

Now it's both.

Sold.

♪♪Alexa, tell everyone it's time for dinner.

ALEXA: Announcing. VANESSA (OVER DEVICE): It's time for dinner. Hey.

Heard you loud and clear.

- Ah.

- (SIGHS)

Man, nobody works a grill like Dad.

But you know, he, uh, he didn't have to cook us this big going-away meal.

We're only moving down the block.

Well, you know your dad.

Any excuse to eat meat.

His blood type is gravy.

Yeah, he had me pick up two tri-tip, a whole chicken, ribs and lamb chops.

- Mm.

- I got a standing ovation - leaving the butcher's shop.

- (LAUGHS)

Okay, hot plate, hot plate.

You can pull the ribs out of the oven - so they've done resting.

- Yes.

All right.

Now I need a cold beer, if you can, and my barbecue sauce.

Yeah, which you put in my special teacup that I got in London.

Because it adds that extra bit of snootiness that the ribs just adore.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Aren't you gonna grill all these vegetables I cut up?

I don't want a problem out there.

The meat doesn't get along with the vegetables.

- Good morning.

- Hey, good morning.

- How are you?

- Hi.

Mwah.

I made you breakfast.

I hope you're hungry.

Oh, that was sweet.

Didn't need to do that.

I was just gonna have a-a little piece of toast - and the rest of those ribs.

- Ah.

Oh, you know, why go with the extra carbs?

I'll just have the ribs.

You know, honey, that's not the healthiest thing to eat for breakfast.

That's not the healthiest thing to eat ever.

Come on over here and try this.

This is a-a recipe - that Jen and I came up with.

- What is it?

Come on, come on.

Just give it a try.

You'll like it.

That's what people say when they're trying to poison somebody.

"Come on, eat it.

It's okay".

Uh, it is tofu scramble and soy bacon.

I don't know, you got soy on top of soy.

That's a lot of estrogen in there.

I'm probably gonna grow breasts, and I kind of like the ones I have, honey.

I want to try to eat healthier, and, uh, you should do it with me.

- You eat too much meat.

- We should, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- That's an interesting thought, but...

No.

Okay, uh, well, then, how about just for a month?

No.

A week?

- Just a week?

- Yeah.

No.

(SCOFFS)

You know, y-you have never been a person to just dismiss something without first giving it a fair shake.

I ate in India in a hotel for a month.

No meat, and I loved every meal I had there.

All right, great, great.

Then, uh, giving up meat should be no problem.

- You're like a dog with a meatless bone.

- I am.

Uh-huh.

One week?

All right.

Are hot dogs actually considered meat?

Morning, Chuck.

How's the morning going for you?

Um, fine, but right now I'm suspicious.

Why are you so cheery?

My wife didn't want me eating meat for a week.

Couple more days and she'll be eating meat: fresh crow.

(LAUGHS)

Huh.

Why aren't more marriages built on spite?

Morning, gentlemen.

How's it going?

Uh, I'm fine.

Mike Baxter's still meatless.

- Still meatless?

- Yeah.

All right, I'll call Sammy's, get you a-a side of that maple bacon you love so much.

Turning a maple tree and a pig into perfection.

Where's the holiday for that guy?

Well, I'm getting some delicious maple bacon because I didn't promise anybody any damn thing.

My third wife suggested I quit meat.

Yeah.

She called it love.

I called it off.

Oh, guess who gave us a shout-out.

- Oh, it's Jeff Dunham.

- Yeah.

- He's my favorite ventriloquist.

- Yeah.

I always wanted to be able to throw my voice.

Well, you talk out of your ass all the time.

- Look, look at what he wrote.

- Uh, hmm.

Oh, "Headed to Denver for some shows, home of my favorite store, Outdoor Man.

Love that place".

How about that?

Well, it's the best kind of advertising: free.

And read my comment.

"Thanks for the heads-up.

It gives us time to put up a sign explaining who the hell Jeff Dunham is".

Ha, ha!

That's what you call a zinger, my friends.

Uh, some people might call it an insult.

Come on, he's not one of those insecure celebrities who reads every online comment.

Insecure celebrities?

Do they even exist?

Um, yeah, and apparently they read their comments.

Jeff says, "Here's some sign language for you".

And then he-he puts up that emoji with the, with the finger, that means...

I-I know what it means.

It means w*r.

Eh, you know, a w*r that's not gonna go well.

Listen, guys, I know Jeff Dunham.

He-he's actually a great guy.

Make nice, will you, please?

- Mm, sure.

- Where are you going?

I'm gonna go into my office and smell the inside of a wrapper of an old pepperoni stick.

You heard the man.

Apologize.

Oh, maybe I should write it out for you since you-you don't know how to apologize.

So, in situations like this, there are two kinds of people: those who back down and those who double down.

Guess which one I am.

The stubborn, "can't admit when he's made a mistake so he makes things worse" kind?

- Exactly.

Exactly.

A winner.

- Mm.

Oh, man, this is exactly what is wrong with the Internet.

Everybody's a tough guy behind their phone.

Relax.

I'm just having a little fun with him.

That's all.

Oh, yeah, I know you think this is fun, Ed, but trust me, there is no fun on the Internet.

Trust me, he'll understand.

He's a professional comic.

But you're not.

You're an amateur wisecracker.

Amateur?

I heckled Don Rickles at the Desert Inn in ' .

He called me a hockey puck.

But Don Rickles didn't have a bunch of followers who could crash our website.

I'm telling you, Ed, please, as head of security, fix this.

Mm-hmm.

I see, so, now, you're head of security, right?

- Yeah.

- I founded the place.

I think I'll do what I want, thank you.

You hockey puck.

What... ?

- Knock, knock.

- (GASPS)

It's the landlord, Kyle.

Hide the hot plate.

Ha, ha, all right.

But just to be clear, there's no hot plates.

Or smoking or water beds.

- You guys read the lease, right?

- Ryan?

- RYAN: Sorry.

- Yeah.

Uh, we brought you housewarming gifts.

Oh, you brought me a plant.

Uh, actually, the-the plant is for Mandy.

Thank God.

I thought you brought me a plant.

Thank you.

Oh, this is for you.

(LAUGHS): Oh, sweet.

- A Mega-Drencher , .

- Oh, yeah.

And I got the same one, so we can have epic water fights.

Or, you know, like, water the plants.

KYLE: We, uh, we really appreciate living here, guys.

I mean, I'm-I'm excited to start working for the-the big guy upstairs, but considering He created the heavens and the earth, you would think He could pay a little better.

(LAUGHS)

Kidding.

You know that.

It's our pleasure.

I mean, can you believe it?

First your mom and dad are kind enough to take us in, and now you guys are taking us in.

What's next, moving in with my mom?

We won't.

She's dead.

Okay, um, well, do you want me to help you recycle these boxes?

- Or...

- Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

- (CLEARS THROAT)

- Uh, this one, too?

Oh, no, no.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with that one yet.

- Okay.

- Thanks.

W-What's in here?

Uh, just some stuff that I was still working on.

Where are you gonna set up your work table?

I don't know.

I haven't had much time for my business since Sarah was born.

Like, none.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, that's rough.

(SIGHS): Yeah.

I thought I would be Sofia Ferro by now.

Italian designer?

Single-handedly brought back fringe?

Oh, her.

Yeah.

Sofia Ferro lives in Milan.

Mandy Baxter lives in Denver above a garage.

Well, maybe Sofia lives in Milan above a garage.

It's just, sometimes I feel like that big part of my life is over.

I-Is it okay if we don't talk about this?

Sure.

Yeah.

Wow.

- You must be hungry, huh?

- (CHUCKLES)

I'm cleaning out all the leftover meat for Baxter Vegetarian Week.

I think we can come up with a better name.

How about The Week Without Joy?

You're going to love being a vegetarian.

Or at the very least, I'm gonna love watching you hate it.

Ha, ha.

Wow, you are just a sick little woman, aren't you?

Listen, for your information, I've gone a lot longer than a week without meat, so...

Good, so, uh, this doesn't bother you?

No.

What about this?

Not at all.

You're handling this really well, Mr. Baxter.

Which is no fun at all.

Sorry to disappoint you, you little sadist.

I'll toss this brisket.

Fresh brisket.

Probably against the law to throw this stuff out.

Somewhere, it's probably...

not so...

oh, my...

(MUTTERING)

- Hey.

- Hey.

What are you doing?

Uh, just tossing all this out.

I got something stuck in my tooth.

I'm not eating this.

I'm not...

I'm-I'm throwing it out.

I...

(STAMMERS)

I...

I bit my tongue.

I bit my...

Hold on a minute.

W-Wait.

Wait a minute.

All right, sorry.

I did, I did eat a piece of meat.

Honey, look.

Eat as much meat as you want.

But you said I shouldn't.

Well, that's exactly what I don't want.

I-I don't want to be your mother, and-and I don't want to be your warden.

Well, then why am I so terrified of you?

Look, I just asked you to do this for a week.

I didn't force you, did I?

Are we making jokes now or is this...

okay, this is serious.

- No, you didn't.

- Right.

But when you sneak around like that, you make me feel like I did force you.

And I don't want that.

So I would rather you eat as much meat as you want, and you can just die at a young age.

Right, but we're not making jokes right now.

That... that was a joke, right?

Really, Ed?

Three more online sh*ts at Jeff Dunham?

You leave me no choice, I'm gonna have to block you from our account.

(QUIETLY): Come here.

You can't.

It's too important.

Somebody has to stop this guy and his kind.

His-his kind?

You-you mean ventriloquists?

They're monsters.

When I was a boy, my abuelita would tell me these horror stories about men like Geppetto, who would carve the likenesses of boys and use them to steal their souls.

Geppetto was a sweet old man, and he was fictional.

Sure.

Sure.

That's what they want you to believe.

"They" who?

The voice throwers.

Oh...

Okay, no, okay, I understand.

Y-You're fighting against the evil of puppet possession.

Which makes you cuckoo bananas.

I'm gonna tell you a story...

Excuse me.

Oh, my God, it's him.

(TEETH CLENCHED): Hello, Mr. Dunham.

I've seen all your specials.

Thanks.

And, uh, please don't do that.

Okay.

- I'm looking for Ed Alzate.

- CHUCK: Oh.

I'm Ed Alzate, you pasty demon.

Uh, um, Jeff, I'm sorry, Jeff.

You're gonna have to...

Can I call you Jeff?

(CHUCKLES)

Jeff-O.

Y-You'll have to forgive Ed.

Growing up, he was fed all these-these crazy stories about how ventriloquists would steal innocent people's souls.

Yeah.

All right, well, that is crazy.

(CHUCK LAUGHS)

See?

It's crazy.

I've yet to capture the soul of someone who's innocent.

See, Chuck?

What'd I tell you?

What'd I tell you?

He's coming for me.

CHUCK: This...

(CHUCKLES): This... this is weird.

Walter's been searching for a new soul.

He's just about used up Patrick Stewart.

He's English.

They don't have a lot of soul to begin with.

I'm sorry, Jeff, but for whatever reason, puppets make Ed uncomfortable, so could you please put Walter back in the box?

"Back in the box"?

Not cool.

Okay.

All right.

(LAUGHS)

As much as I enjoy getting punked, somebody's gonna have to tell me what the hell's going on.

Uh, you're getting punked.

That's what's going on.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thanks, Jeff.

Jeff is in town, he's doing some promotional stuff for us.

- Great opportunity to punk you.

- (CHUCK LAUGHING)

And I took the opportunity of having a little fun.

I can have a little fun here if I want, you hockey puck.

(BOTH LAUGH)

And you went along with it?

Well, I was already in town.

And plus, I don't really have any friends.

- (ED LAUGHS)

- I'll be your friend.

Back off.

He's not much, but he's mine.

That was awfully funny, Jeff.

Well, what do you expect?

I'm a stand-up comedian.

Well, sort of.

Oh, Mikey.

- Okay, okay.

(CHUCKLES)

- What's that?

What's that?

Mikey, I took the opportunity of ordering a little lunch for us - for the publicity sh**t.

- Oh...

- Is that from Sammy's?

- ED: Oh, yeah.

Oh, I love their brisket with the pecan glaze.

ED: That's it.

That's the one, that's the one.

I hate it when he eats.

Then I have to do all the talking.

Mikey, w-would you and Jeff take a bite of the brisket?

And I-I'll take a picture and send it to Sammy's so they won't charge me.

How's that?

As much as I like helping you become a cheapskate, I'm not eating meat this week.

What?

Outdoor Man doesn't eat meat?

I guess he uses all these g*ns around here to sh**t broccoli.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Are you okay?

Oh, I didn't see you there.

Reverend Paul asked if I could write a sermon on gratitude.

- Oh, okay.

Well, don't worry about it, babe.

- Yeah, that's true, yeah.

You know, w-what might help me is if, um, you told me what you're grateful for.

Uh-huh.

You know, like, uh, like our daughter?

Or your family?

Or your hair?

My hair?

Oh, so suddenly I don't have great legs?

- Come in.

- What?

- (KNOCKING)

- Come in!

Hi, Kyle.

Oh, Mandy.

I did not see you there.

Lot of that going around.

Kyle, I got your text.

You are having trouble writing a sermon about something to be grateful for.

Well, we all have something to be grateful for.

Mandy, what are you grateful for?

Stop.

Yeah, but I-I don't think he was finished.

I wasn't.

Did my sister put you up to this?

All right, it's not working, Kristin.

That's because you guys are horrible at this.

Yeah, Kyle is.

He hasn't taken improv classes.

You need to come in with a "want".

You were supposed to come in and tell her how great she is with Sarah.

I was building to that, okay?

My character is shy because he gets no love from his father.

You're not playing a character, hon.

You're playing yourself!

And you ruined it, because I didn't even get to the part where I get to tell her how happy she makes me.

You make me really happy.

Okay, okay, all right, you know what?

Off-the-wall suggestion: can we just take it again - from my entrance?

- No, uh...

Listen, we-we were, we were just trying to make you feel better, you know?

Just trying to remind you of-of all the great things in your life.

Yeah, I know it feels like you've given up a lot, but you've gained a lot, too.

Yeah, I know I've gained a lot.

Gained a lot of drama queens.

Whoa!

Okay.

I had one box that made me feel sorry for myself and then you guys put on a full-blown production of It's a Wonderful Life. So you're okay?

Yes.

Yes.

I am, I am grateful that I have a beautiful daughter, a-a husband that I adore, a sister who would do anything for me, and a brother-in-law who's a great man and a-a terrible actor.

I was the only one with a point of view.

I'm fine, but thanks for caring.

Group hug.

I'm the richest woman in town!

Sorry I'm late.

Got stuck behind some idiot driving the speed limit.

(CHUCKLES)

- Mm.

- Mm.

- Oh...

- (GIGGLES)

If I'd have known my complaining turned you on, I'd...

I'd give you that minutes on how much I hate Congress.

I've, uh, I've heard it.

Uh, no, that was for turning down meat today, when I would never know about it.

How did you find out about that?

Ed texted me.

And, by the way, he's still pissed he had to pay for lunch.

I didn't eat meat today because I didn't want to.

Not because I was told not to.

Okay.

Um...

then why did we get to the point where we were having a fight about it?

I don't like it when...

I feel like you "should" on me.

"Should" on you?

When we were talking, you said, "You shouldn't eat this, you should eat more this.

You should do this, you should..." - You know, when I hear that, I get defensive.

- Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, that's not how I meant it.

Well, I know it's probably not how you meant it.

It's how I took it, and maybe it's because I wasn't eating meat and I was a little testy.

Um, I-I won't say "should" anymore.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

- And-and you shouldn't...

- Honey.

...

let...

all right, all right, all right.

- Wow.

- Uh...

I would prefer it if, in the future, you would not tell me an untruth.

What do you mean?

Oh, I didn't...

I-I was not untruth...

- Yeah, you lied to me.

You did.

Yeah.

- No.

No, I didn't.

- No, I kind of lied.

- When you were eating meat in there, - you took...

Y-Yeah.

- Okay, it was, uh...

Okay, I-I apol...

I did lie to you.

- Warden, I did.

- (SCOFFS)

- We're good?

- Yes, we're good.

All right.

What do you want for dinner?

Well, it's gonna be all-vegan, so I really couldn't give a "should".

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

If you think I look a little extra chiseled today, it's because I, uh...

cut back on empty carbs.

You know, we sell more tents, boats and snowmobiles than any other chain in the world.

Why?

Because what we're really selling is flavors of freedom.

Ah, delicious freedom.

And you don't have to choose just one.

Heck, make it a swirl.

Because there's no bad flavors of personal sovereignty.

Some think freedom is wind in their hair on a mountaintop.

Or wind in their hair on an ATV.

Or wind in their hair on a motorboat.

Turns out a lot of people think freedom is just something about wind in their hair.

But any time you choose what to do, where to go or what to eat, you're enjoying the sweet glory of liberty.

Some people define freedom a little differently.

They see it as being liberated from ever having to make a choice.

And you know what those puppets like to do for fun?

Whatever their puppet master tells them to do.

That's not for us.

Not in the home of the brave and the land of the free.

God bless America.

And once you reach the mountaintop and look out across the promised land, you realize He already has blessed us.

And I believe He'll continue to do so.

(CHUCKLES)

Knock on wood.

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)