04x10 - Cowboy Aerobics and 473 Grease-Free Bolts

[bunniefuu]

ADULT SHELDON: Behind every great scientist, there were often unsung helpers toiling away in the background.

Presenting...

When Alexander Graham Bell needed an assistant, it was Thomas Augustus Watson who answered the call.

(LAUGHS): Get it?

"The call".

(SNICKERING)

Madame Curie's daughter Irène was also her lab assistant.

Irène was so dedicated, she d*ed of radiation poisoning.

Unlike her sister Ève, who selfishly lived to .

Lastly, Émile Roux was assistant to Louis Pasteur.

When they worked on the rabies vaccine, Roux kept a loaded g*n in the lab to sh**t Pasteur in the head if he got infected.

He never had to, but it's fun to know he would have.

LINKLETTER: No, Sheldon.

You can't be my lab assistant.

Maybe you weren't paying attention.

I'll start over.

Behind every great scientist, there was a dedicated as...

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

LINKLETTER: Son, lab assistants are usually upperclassmen.

I believe I've been at this university long enough to be considered.

You've been here two weeks.

Hey, days if you count orientation.

Sheldon, there's a waitlist of students who've applied for that position.

I just can't give you special treatment.

Not with that attitude.

Tell you what, I'll think about it.

Should I come back or should I wait?

- Come back.

- I'll wait.

I thought about it.

No.

(THE PEOPLE'S COURT THEME MUSIC PLAYS) Judgment for plaintiff for $ . .

You think Judge Wapner and Rusty the bailiff are friends in real life?

Yeah.

You can't fake that kind of chemistry.

I'm flying!

There you are!

Where have you been?

- We've been waiting for you.

- What is this?

That's the exercise guy Meemaw likes.

Sweatin' to the Oldies ... I can't believe anyone pays money to watch old people sweat.

MISSY: bucks?

GEORGE JR.: They sold over a million of those?

At bucks a pop?

Do you know how much money that must be?

I'm not a calculator.

times... one million.

That's million!

Whoa.

And then he said he wouldn't give me special treatment.

I think what he said is everybody should be treated equally.

I'm sorry, is this Russia?

Should we get in line for bread?

It's his lab, Sheldon.

He can do what he wants.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO)

I've got it.

Dr. Linkletter likes you.

You go on a date with him and when he tries to kiss you, say you'll do it, but only if he gives me the job.

I'm gonna ask you to think hard about what you just said.

What?

I want something, he wants something...

seems like a win-win.

Not for me.

You get a free dinner.

Make him take you someplace nice.

- Ooh, maybe Sizzler.

- Sheldon.

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

What are you doing?

Gonna make an exercise video.

Why?

If Richard Simmons could make million bucks, think how much I could make with my face.

What's your face got to do with it?

What do you mean?

I'm gorgeous, ask anybody.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- (SIGHS)

ADULT SHELDON: Since my meemaw was being stingy with her love, I had to find another way - to change Dr. Linkletter's mind. - (TYPING RAPIDLY)

I decided to treat this like a science experiment... test various methods of persuasion to determine which was the most effective. Dr. Linkletter, I was talking to the other physics professors and they think you having an -year-old lab assistant - would be neat.

- No.

Don't you want your peers to think you're cool?

- No.

- I would.

No.

- (KNOCKS)

- Dr. Linkletter?

What?

If you look in your drawer, you'll find a little something.

I hope you like peanut butter cookies.

This isn't going to change my mind.

- You sure?

- Yes.

Then give them back, they're my favorite.

- Say yes.

- _ - No.

- Yes.

- No.

- Yes.

- No.

- HIja. What?

That's "yes" in Klingon.

How do you say "no" in Klingon?

Qo'.

Qo'!

Aw.

_ I overheard some of your other candidates talking about marijuana.

- (SNACK DROPS)

- I don't care.

Well, you should.

I think they plan on smoking it.

(LINKLETTER GROANS SOFTLY)

- You know what?

- What?

I was just admiring your posture.

You're not all hunched over like most people your age.

So, most people think you need expensive machines to work out, but I just use free weights.

To be clear, they ain't free.

You got to buy them.

Are you watching yourself work out?

I made an exercise video.

Why?

To sell.

That's very important.

Next, we're gonna do curls.

'Cause, like I always say, curls get the girls.

- Oh, Lord.

- What?

- (SPUTTERS)

- You want to remember: squeeze it at the top.

People like it when things rhyme.

(GRUNTS ON VIDEO)

(PHONE RINGS)

_ Hello?

Can I be your lab assistant?

What time is it?

That's not a no.

If I say yes, will you please stop hounding me?

- Absolutely.

- LINKLETTER: Fine.

You win.

Good night.

Just out of scientific curiosity, were you persuaded by the disorienting nature of this late-night phone call or by the cumulative weight of my relentlessness?

That one.

ADULT SHELDON: I learned an important lesson that night.

When you want something, relentlessly annoying is your road to victory.

- How may I assist you today?

- Follow me.

Should I look over your notes?

Would you like me to double-check your math?

See these bolts?

Scrub the grease off.

- But there's hundreds of them.

- Yes.

That's where you come in.

Surely there's a better use of my intellect.

Son, we're building a solar neutrino detector.

If you don't want the job, there's the door.

No, I want it.

Good man.

(SIGHS)

Although that door does look tempting.

So, I could really use your help making it look more professional.

That's burn right there.

(GRUNTS)

Like, adding a little, you know...

I think the word you're looking for is "pizazz".

Exactly.

So, you'll do it?

Well, I'm flattered that you would ask, but exercise videos...

That's not really what I do.

But I've seen you on TV.

I'm soft and firm

- in all the right places.

You've been in plays.

It's all right, Molly.

Annie's here.

Don't forget my modeling work.

- ♪♪ But I have a reputation.

When people hear the name Gene Lundy, they expect quality.

They expect showmanship.

(CHUCKLES)

They expect me to get paid.

Oh, I'm gonna pay you.

Let's make an exercise video!

(CHUCKLES)

ADULT SHELDON: While not the lab work I hoped to be doing, it did feel good to be part of an actual experiment.

A tedious, menial part that could be performed by a monkey.

Or worse, an engineer.

Here you go.

grease-free bolts.

- (CHUCKLES)

Excellent.

- Now what?

How about I help you design an even better solar neutrino detector?

Actually, what I need you to do is...

take this grease and put it on these bolts.

But I just took the grease off the bolts.

That was the wrong grease.

This is the right grease.

Have at it.

If this is some kind of test to get me to quit, it's not going to work.

I don't know what you were expecting, but this is a menial job.

After this, I need you to sort a crate of resistors, strip a case of wire and then sweep up.

Oh.

- Then I quit.

- (GREASE CAN THUDS)

Now, I like the idea of an exercise video.

I'm just not sure that weight lifting is the way to go.

Why not?

It's low-energy.

You know?

We don't want a one-man show.

We want Starlight Express. I don't know what that is.

You'd love it.

Andrew Lloyd Webber, people on roller skates.

That's a thought.

Skater-cise.

Do you... do you skate?

No.

Too bad.

You sure I can't just lift weights?

Aerobics is the way to go.

It's got music.

It's got energy.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

It's got what?

- Pizazz?

- Bingo!

Now, hear me out.

We surround you with a bunch of dancing girls.

No, even better.

The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

- If that's what "pizazz" means, I like it.

- (CHUCKLES)

Of course, to do this right, we are gonna need some financing.

What does your father do for a living?

He's a coach here at the school.

Oof.

I know somebody who's got money.

(DOORBELL RINGS) What do you two want?

What we want is to make you rich.

Oh, God.

- What do you mean you quit?

- It was beneath me.

You need to learn there's nothing wrong with a little hard work.

Hard work is calculating neutrino properties to one percent accuracy.

Anyone can wash bolts.

You begged him for that job.

I assumed he'd realize the value of my intellect and put it to good use.

Hang on.

You made a commitment.

When you say you're gonna do something, you do it.

Well, he could find someone else.

Doesn't matter.

This is about you being a man of your word.

ADULT SHELDON: I wanted to point out that I couldn't be a man of my word, since I hadn't hit puberty, but he seemed pretty grouchy.

GEORGE JR.: You know how you love those Richard Simmons tapes?

- Yeah.

- Well, what if I told you we have the next big thing in home fitness videos.

Mm.

And what kind of thing would that be?

"Cowboy aerobics".

(QUIETLY): Yee-haw.

It's like, um, Sweatin' to the Oldies with a little bit of Southern swagger.

(IMITATES g*nshots QUIETLY)

Cool, huh?

So, are y'all just trying to sell me an aerobics tape?

No.

No, not at all.

We want you to give us money to make them.

"Invest".

He... he means invest.

And who would be, uh, starring in this video?

Me.

(LAUGHS)

That's ridiculous.

(CHUCKLING)

And Richard Simmons ain't ridiculous?

Well, now, the young man does have a point.

Yeah, maybe on his head.

Look, you're not getting my money.

Well, you are passing a-a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

And how much lifetime do you have left?

That's not helping.

No.

All right, fair enough.

Thank you for hearing us out.

If you have a change of heart, you let us know.

Screw that.

My whole life I've seen you bet on football games, throw away all kinds of money at the track.

If you want to gamble on something, why can't it be on your own grandson?

How much money you need?

Well, now, um...

how much money did you bet on football last year?

(CHUCKLES): Well, you're not getting that much.

- (PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?

SHELDON: Dr.

Linkletter?

(SIGHS)

Sheldon Cooper.

I'm calling to apologize.

I shouldn't have quit.

I made a commitment, and I need to see it through.

I appreciate that, but there's no need.

There is.

It's important to me, as well as my father.

- Fine.

- Excellent.

Don't worry, I won't overstep my bounds.

I give you my word as a Texan.

- Great.

- And a man.

- Very good.

- Well, a future man.

At present, my hormones and body hair aren't exactly - what you'd call...

- Good night.

- (DIAL TONE)

- Hmm.

ADULT SHELDON: The next day I returned to my role as lab assistant with renewed vigor.

Bolts were greased, wires were stripped, floors were swept, all with a smile.

It was a forced smile but you'd never know.

I must say, Sheldon, I'm impressed.

I gave you my word and I'm standing by it.

Well, I know it's not glamorous, but all scientists pay their dues.

And I'm happy to do it.

- Good man.

- I understand my role here.

In fact, I noticed a flaw in your reaction rates, but I kept it to myself because I know my place.

- You really think there's a flaw?

- Oh, yes.

What is it?

I appreciate you testing me, but I'm not going to cr*ck.

I'm not testing you.

Nice try.

So, when are we gonna sh**t this thing?

Slow down, now.

We've got to plan out.

You know, costumes, choreography, music.

Let's start with the set.

Now, I was thinking...

an Oklahoma theme.

Hay bales, saloon door, maybe a surrey with a fringe on top.

A what with a what?

Oh, you know.

♪ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry ♪

♪ When I take you out in my surrey ♪

♪ When I take you out ♪

♪ In my surrey with the fringe... ♪

Okay, forget Oklahoma.

Done.

ADULT SHELDON: In an effort to find out the mistake in his experimental design, Dr. Linkletter performed his own experiment on me. You know, Sheldon, I don't even care if you tell me the error.

In fact, I'd rather you keep it to yourself.

All right.

(QUIETLY): Yeah.

_ I got you a little something for all your hard work.

It's about a little boy who doesn't let being dead stop him from having fun.

Thanks.

(CHUCKLES)

Now that I've given you something, perhaps you want to reciprocate.

Sure.

You can have this.

I don't want it.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

LINKLETTER: Uh, may I speak with Sheldon?

It's the middle of the night.

Who the hell is this?

Uh, wrong number.

(DIAL TONE)

LUNDY: All right.

- (LIVELY COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

- Let's try it again.

♪♪ - ♪ Last night... ♪

- (TURNS OFF MUSIC)

I'm sorry, are-are we galloping, or are we doing double Dutch?

You got to get your hips into it, all right?

Yeah, you get your rope, you get your hip.

We can gallop up, we can gallop back.

We're lassoing and galloping

- around the corral.

- (KNOCKING)

Excuse me.

We need to talk.

Can it wait?

I'm trying to turn your grandson here into the Richard Simmons of the Wild West.

No, it can't.

I took a look at this contract you sent over.

Oh, well, that's just boilerplate legalese.

I wouldn't even read that.

Too late.

I couldn't help but notice you're taking % of the profits.

Eighty percent?

Well, in case no one has noticed, I'm doing most of the work here.

But it was all my idea.

Your idea was lifting weights in some dingy garage.

Cowboy aerobics was hatched in this egg right here.

But it's my face.

Any my money.

And my apologies, but % is all you're getting.

Unbelievable.

Excuse me.

I've done all the choreography.

I designed the sets.

I-I made the costumes by hand.

You think you can find sequined chaps in a mall?

No, you cannot.

And they give you quite the look when you ask.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, fine, go ahead.

And we're gonna make our own exercise video without you.

No, we're not.

No, we're not!

And they call me dramatic.

ADULT SHELDON: The next day, Dr. Linkletter ran his experiment.

I'm proud to say I never broke my word, and he eventually figured out the problem.

- (FLAMES WHOOSHING)

- LINKLETTER: Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

Was it too much oxygen in the reagents?

See?

You didn't need my help after all.

ADULT SHELDON: Mr. Lundy was undeterred.

He sought out new investors and new talent to bring cowboy aerobics to life.

LUNDY: You've got the look.

(CHUCKLES): You've got the physique.

If-if we could secure a star of your caliber, it would really put us on the map.

I do look good in a cowboy hat.

You look good in everything.

(CHUCKLES)

Come on, Mr. Hasselhoff.

Call me The Hoff.

(CHUCKLES): Okay, The Hoff.

So, what do you say?

Well, I've conquered television, music.

I don't see why I couldn't add exercise videos to my empire.

So you'll do it?

You got The Hoff!

Hot damn!

I got The Hoff!

(BOTH LAUGH)

By-by any chance, do you know what size chaps you wear?

Oh.

I got my own.

Of course you do.

(CHUCKLES)

- (WHIP CRACKS)

- (LIVELY COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, buckaroos, it's time for cowboy aerobics with...

- David Hasselhoff!

- David Hasselhoff!

Who's ready to rustle up some muscles?

- (WHOOPING)

- Let's saddle up and ride.

ADULT SHELDON: Thanks to The Hoff, the video was a smashing success.

Who wants a beach body like the ones on Baywatch?

Which I'm also in.

Check your local listings.

(RICOCHET SOUND EFFECT)

ADULT SHELDON: Unfortunately, Mr. Lundy put all his profits into a musical about his life, entitled: Live, Laugh, Lundy.

He is poor to this day.