08x03 - The Dirty Dancer

[bunniefuu]

Julian: check that drink out, bubs.

Bubbles: ha ha!

It's got a dinky in it.

Vodka 'n dinky.

Ricky: oh f*ck!

(Music plays from car radio)

(Music shuts off car engine's shut off)

Julian: what the f*ck do you want?

Sam: everyone stay cool, I'm just dropping off a letter to barbie.

Here you go, babe.

What is this?

It's already been opened!

Yeah, that came for you a couple of weeks ago And I would have remembered to drop it off to you, Except you became such a crazy, f*cking bitch!

This says that I owe 2,200 in back taxes To be paid by the end of the week.

I-i gave you that money, sam.

Probably f*cking spent it On g*dd*mn cave painting loincloths.

Very funny, bubbles, but guess what?

If barb doesn't pay that bill, I have the option to pay it, and I will.

Ricky: yeah, you also have the option To suck on all four of our cocks.

Barb: wait a minute, what does that mean you have the option?

If I pay it, I become dominant shareholder, You know, the big cheese, The kind caveman of the trailer park.

(Tarzan call and laughter)

Tarman was a lord that lived in a f*cking forest, Not a cave you stupid, f*cking dummy.

Sam: see you, baby.

Muah!

(Laughs)

Bubbles: f*cking dickweed, that guy is.

Julian: barb, don't worry about this, I can take care of it.

Barb: (annoyed sigh)

Julian: barb, I can take care of it.

(Sighing)

holy f*ck.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Julian: bubs, can you ask ricky To start making as many hash coins as he can, please?

Ricky, can you start making as many hash coins As you can, please?

Yeah, I heard you the first time mister talkie-walkie In my f*cking ear.

You don't think I can hear ya?

I'm right beside ya.

This is bullshit, man, I'm supposed to be retired.

It's the v-team, ricky, You gotta stick with the program.

V-team!

Ricky: f*cking sick of the f*cking v-team.

What do you need all the hash coins for?

'Cause I need to hire some new employees for the bar.

What kind of employees?

Strippers.

I gotta take it up a few notches, man.

Greasy.

Randy: wow, that's really cool.

I always wanted to get a tattoo, But I was always too chicken.

Nice placement, don.

Donald: oh thanks, randy.

Yes, the concentric circles of the mind Descending in upon themselves.

The design came to me one night After making sweet love to two puntas In france, high on mushrooms.

Geez, I really wish I had something meaningful I could tattoo on me.

(Rock music plays loudly)

Randy: oh, what the frig is this?

Sam: f*ck you!

Randy: what a friggin' waste of a seven dollar chicken.

Julian: all right, guys, listen up.

I want to turn my bar into a high-end strip club, I want it open tonight, So we've got a lot of f*cking work to do.

Sarah, you're gonna be in charge of the new design of the place.

Sarah: okay.

So what are you thinkin'?

Uh...

Actually you know what?

A rooftop vip lounge wouldn't be that hard to do.

We can do that up there?

Yeah.

I just need some plywood and some paint, maybe.

All right, perfect.

Make up a list and give it to bubs.

Bubs, get the list over to ricky, corey, and jacob, okay.

All right.

I want you to be in charge of a new name and a new sign.

So use your imagination, come up with something cool.

Julian, I don't really have time for that.

I got shed-n-breakfast sh*t to do.

Bubs, you're a leader.

The v-team, remember?

You got to suck sh*t like this up, man.

Bubbles: all right, all right, I'll make the f*cking sign.

I'll come up with the name.

J-roc, I want you to hire some strippers.

J-roc: aw, b, you know what I'm sayin', We like to help but we can't help in that way, You know what I'm sayin'?

We ain't no peeler dealers, You know what I mean?

What are you talking about?

It ain't our brand, dog.

You won't see fi'ty, or jay-z or any of them ma'f*ckers Dealing strippers, you know what I'm sayin'.

That's kind of five years ago for us.

Sarah: julian, I can get you some girls, it's not that hard.

Thank you, sarah.

So what the f*ck you gonna do to help me out?

Thought you wanted to be my partner?

I do.

All right, well, what're you gonna do?

J-roc: when I retired, t was like, "man, don't retire," And I was like, "I have to retire, It's time to do something else.

And I was like, "man, you can't drop the mic." And I was like, "mic dropped, too late." You know what I'm sayin'?

Tell you what I'm thinking.

What?

J-roc: you know I'm (mimics record scratch)

I'm back dog.

I'm gonna come out of retirement and perform on stage At this bar, yet to be named, tonight.

(Mimics a record rewinding)

peace!

But I always said, there was only three reasons I would come back in the rap game, you remember that?

I remember them.

T and j-roc: reason number one: f*ckin' mc at my grandma's funeral, You know what I'm sayin', but she didn't want no music, Said that before she d*ed.

Number two.

Number two, if I could rap president obama's inauguration, You know I'm sayin'.

They had diana ross, or some sh*t.

Number three.

One of my boys needs me to have their back.

That's the case we find ourselves in right now, You know what I'm sayin'.

Yeah.

It ain't one of the roc pile, but it's just as close.

Julian wants me, imma be there for him.

Julian: are you serious, man?

J-roc: perform on stage, boy.

J-roc: you're my boy from back in the day.

That's what friends do for each other When they about to be partners.

Julian: all right listen to me, man, You fill this place every night with customers, Then we're gonna be talking partnership.

Don't worry about that, dawg.

Okay, boys, let's get to work.

J-roc: get outta here, dawg, don't worry about us.

We back.

Uhn!

We in effect.

J-roc: what!

T: what.

J-roc: we back.

Oh.

We back.

Ahn!

Ah man, you lose, dawg.

A'ight, you out, next round.

It's our chance to get back on stage,you know what I'm sayin'?

Man: caw, caw.

Help my f*ck, you did not bring that eagle flag, bitch.

Man: caw!

I know you want to leave that in the car next time, dawg.

Set it the f*ck down, we not ma'fuckcaws, We ma'f*ckers.

I'm so friggin' thirsty.

Hey, randy.

I was thinking that maybe you and I Could go on a little date-y poo ce soir.

I was thinking maybe I'd lay off the liquor And ah, get a little nitrous back in the old pipeline.

You're serious?

Yeah.

That sounds like fun, mr. Lahey.

(Bottles clank)

Mr. Lahey, you drank all the friggin' lemonade.

I made that specifically for don and i, It's our favourite drink.

Oh, you and donny have a favourite drink now, do you?

What's next, you gonna shack up with him?

No, I'm not gonna shack up with him, We both just like lemonade.

It's very refreshing on a hot day.

Yeah, well, maybe you wouldn't get so hot If you weren't looking at his ass cr*ck so much.

I don't look at his ass cr*ck.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I've been following you All morning, randy.

Just glanced at it, I wasn't staring.

I was looking at his tattoo.

Lahey: (mocking)

I was looking at his tattoo.

Liar!

You know, I've got needs.

It's getting pretty friggin' boring Looking after those needs all by myself For the past 11 weeks, 10 days, and 18 minutes.

Randy.

Randy!

(Door creaks open and slams shut)

Randy.

Sarah: okay, so up on the roof, the vip section has an umbrella, And some kind of sexy lighting and...

Hey, guys.

Barb asked me to bring over these tole paintings?

She's donating them so we can sell them here And put the money towards the cause.

Nice, nice.

Okay, someone will buy those f*cking things.

Hang them up, I guess.

Wow.

Hey girls.

Sarah: hello.

Ah, don't worry about the camera, It's nothing, all right.

Sarah: you guys look great.

Thanks for coming.

Um, we should probably see like some moves, or what you got.

You wanna do, like, a little audition, or something?

Yeah, definitely, definitely.

Sarah: okay, you can start.

Sarah: it's a bit awkward.

Maybe we should have some music or something.

Julian: no, it's okay, let's just see a bunch of moves here.

Sarah: yeah, everybody dance.

Actually can you show that, like, booty thing.

Julian: whoa!

Sarah: that ass is gonna make us some money.

Nice, nice work, sarah.

Sarah: thanks.

(Breathes heavily)

bubbles just informed me That I have to go with the toenail f*ck twins now And steal strip club supplies.

What the f*ck?

This whole v-team thing that bubbles set up Is supposed to be like that a-team tv show, Is a crop of sh*t.

Julian, I mean, he's supposed to be that muscular Mister letter guy with the mohawk, And instead he's acting like that bossy, Cigar-smoking hannibal lechner that eats people.

And what the f*ck am I doing right now Making hash coins for his business When I should be making honey oil for my business?

I've gotta have this thing full when sebastian bach gets here.

Hey, honey, where are you going?

Oh, I just have to go talk to julian.

I'll talk to you later.

Hannibal lechner even gets to spend more f*cking time With my family than I do now, brain-eating cocksucker.

(Slams table)

Sorry, orangey.

You okay?

Here, have a little piece of hash.

Julian: you ladies look fantastic.

I'm honoured to be working with ya.

As long as we put a 100 percent into this bar And it starts making money, then we all make money.

Until then, thanking you for working for liquor.

Hash, and tips.

Do you guys got any questions?

All right, guess I'll see you guys tonight.

Let's have a good f*cking time, everyone!

Strippers: woo!

(Clapping)

Sarah: cheers!

Julian: nice work, nice work.

Sarah: thank you.

We need to talk about price scale And extras, all right.

Julian: hey, trin.

Hey, you look really busy, Did you want me to come back later?

No-no-no-no, I always have time for you, sweetie.

Want a drink?

I can't.

That's what I need to talk to you about.

Uh oh.

Does your mom know?

Yeah, she told me to talk to you before I talk to dad.

She thinks he's gonna k*ll him.

Is it who I think it is?

Do you love him?

(Inhales and exhales heavily)

Are you mad at me?

Of course not.

But you've gotta tell your dad right away Before he finds out from somebody else.

That won't be good for anybody.

(Sighs)

I'm going to be a great uncle.

That's f*cking amazing!

Hey, hey, hey, everything's gonna be cool.

Okay?

I promise.

All right?

Let me see you smile.

All right, that's better, honey.

(Objects crash and clatter)

Cory: what the hell?

Ricky: it's about f*cking time, boys.

Nice f*cking work with the tools, corey.

Cory: thanks.

Jacob: I got the hard hats.

Ricky: oh, I'm really impressed, You lankety smokestacked cocksplinter.

Get the f*ck in the car.

Tools in the back seat, Jacob, you get in the trunk.

No smoking in there.

Julian: change of plans, ricky.

I'm taking jacob and fucknuts here to get the supplies.

You take the rest of the afternoon off with your daughter.

You're not in charge of the v-team, bubbles is.

Why you being a d*ck?

She needs to talk to you about something.

I'm trying to help out here.

I'm not being a d*ck, and trinity can make up her own brain.

You wanna spend the rest of the afternoon with the old man?

Sure, can I drive?

Ricky: sure.

This is gonna be awesome, sweetheart.

Cory, get the f*ck out.

And you too, jacob, you praying atlantis Buggy looking fucktwat.

Get the f*ck going.

Julian: let's go, boys.

Cory: you want the tools?

Can I get the tools?

(Car engine rumbles)

Ricky: what the f*ck you looking at, jacob?

You looking at this?

That's what you should be looking at.

Cory: shotgun!

(Car revs, tires squeal)

Julian: let's go, jacob!

Holy, mr.

Lahey, open up some frigging windows.

(Grunt of effort)

Back on the smokes again, are ya?

How long are you just gonna stare at that?

'Til I figure out what to do with it.

What the f*ck do you care, anyway?

I had a long talk with don.

Hm.

I just figured out what I want to do with it.

Thank you very much, randy.

Don said that your little problem down there Is not just your little problem, But it's our little problem together.

Offer still open to get a guy drunk tonight?

(Gulps alcohol loudly)

Absolutely, ran.

Welcome back, randy.

(Hooves clomp)

(Horse whinnies)

You guys are clear on what you need to get?

Yeah.

All right, put on your hard hats.

As long as you have those on, You can do whatever the f*ck you want in there Because people are stupid.

In your bag, there's one of these.

It's for emergencies only.

Got it?

Yeah, man.

Copy.

Nice one.

Okay, try to avoid talking to people.

Let's go.

All right, we got this, julian.

Julian: nice.

Corey: (over walkie-talkie)

hi, julian, this is jacob.

I love you.

Corey, hand the f*cking walkie over to jacob, He's in charge, you f*cking idiot.

Stop f*cking around.

Jacob: (over walkie-talkie)

sorry, julian.

(Engine whirs)

I don't think this is a good idea, trin.

Oh, come on, george isn't home.

Don't be a p*ssy.

Lucy: hey, trin.

Trinity: hey.

Hi, rick.

Jacob: (whirring)

julian wants something long and round, this is square.

Cory: what?

Jacob: this is square?

Nah, can't do it, I'm allergic to pie crust.

(Tools buzz and whir loudly)

(Breathes deeply, thoughtful)

How much longer?

Jacob: uh, yeah, 10-4, julian.

Um, we're almost through the last pipe.

Ah, five minutes tops?

You've got two.

Hurry the f*ck up.

Jacob: okay, copy.

(Truck engine rumbles)

Julian: boys, we just hit the jackpot.

Get the f*ck out here right now.

Ricky: it's not bad.

Lots of fancy space and rooms.

Lucy: yeah, it's okay.

You look great.

Thanks.

So what's going on?

Okay, so, our little girl has been dating somebody Over the last couple of months and- Really.

A guy?

A guy.

And she's really in love with him, And has something she wants to tell you, But you have to promise not to get upset.

Upset?

Trinity: dad...

I'm pregnant.

What?

What do you mean?

How?

Trinity: jacob, he's my boyfriend.

You're gonna be a grandfather.

Lucy: are you okay?

I don't know.

I feel like my brain's short circulating.

I think I gotta go.

I love you guys.

I gotta go.

Okay.

That actually went better than I thought.

He said he loves us.

(Tires screech outside)

(Hum of chatter)

Sarah: hey, everybody, thanks for coming out.

The bar's gonna open in a minute here.

Let me tell you, the drinks are super cold, And the ladies are smokin' hot.

So get out your money.

How's the pole coming, jacob?

Jacob: it's secure, but it's still a bit wobbly.

Julian: all right, f*ck it, we'll fix it tomorrow.

Okay, julian, close your eyes.

You're gonna f*ckin' love this.

Julian: all right.

J-roc: you ready, man?

Julian: I'm ready.

J-roc: jam ya lookballs on dis!

Are they open?

Just do it, bubs.

(Bar patrons cheer excitedly)

J-roc: giant.

Man: it's patrick f*ckin' swayze's bar!

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Never mind that ma'fucker across the street, dog.

We tested it, went through the riz-oof.

It's going to be tight.

People love the name.

Best strip club names ever, julian.

All right, you gotta get set up, man, come on.

Ricky: f*ck you, jacob collins!

You stay right there!

Bubbles: ricky.

Jacob, you get the f*ck down here right now.

Bubbles: calm down.

Ricky: yeah, don't run away like a scared little boy, Come and talk to me like a man.

f*cking idiot.

Bubbles: ricky, look, I heard the news, just calm down.

Let's go talk about this.

Don't get my belly right now, bubbles.

I need to get baked out of my mind And see if my brain can figure out What it's trying to tell me.

It's all f*cking swirly And f*cking, jesus!

Bubbles: ricky, come on.

Not right now!

Who's got your belly?

(Rap music plays, ricky sighs heavily)

Yes, yes, yo, what's poppin'?

You know what I'm sayin'?

Welcome to the grand opening of the dirty dancers, Brought to you in part by roc vodka, You know what I'm sayin'.

It's j-roc and the roc pile up in this ma'fucker.

I'm gonna blow the roof up off this mac.

But first, make some noise for the lovely ass lolita.

Come on up, tighty.

She's gonna dance.

Yeah, first dirty dancer of the night.

Come on up, shorty.

She dropped by with a couple things to show ya.

T: come on y'all, make some noise!

Give it up!

And I'm like, give me some of that fried chicken, You know what I'm sayin'?

Special dirty dancers are available for the gentlemen With discerning taste And the right pocket book, ya know what I mean?

Come on, ricky, are you gonna talk to me?

J-roc: make some noise for the lovely lolita.

(Bar patrons whoop and cheer)

Bubbles: oh f*ck, I'm sorry, ricky, I gotta get in there.

Lolita's gonna take her clothes off, She's got great big, dirty milkers.

Can you get the f*cking camera away from me, please?

I'm not in the mood.

I'm f*cking serious, I'll sh**t you.

Get it the f*ck away from me.

Bubbles: excuse me, excuse me!

(Excited breaths, hip-hop music plays)

Oh...

Baby!

(Laughs excitedly)

Can I come up, j-roc?

J-roc: go ahead, you man!

Bubbles: lolita!

J-roc: just no touchin' boi.

Bubbles: I like your things there.

You look awesome.

Oh.

Grinding on the thing there.

(Nervous laughter)

(Club music plays loudly)

Sarah: here, gimme your money.

I can sell you roc vodka Right here in the line up.

Hey, julian, lookin' good, buddy.

Is it ever.

This bar is gonna be the solution to all of our problems, boys.

(Chuckles)

listen, ah, What's your chances of getting in?

It's pretty rammed in there right now, But there's a rooftop vip section that's not done, It's a good place to get drunk though.

Lahey: nice.

Julian: help yourself to it.

Julian: it's on the house, buddy.

Oh, thanks, julian, I'm fine.

I'm not drinking tonight.

But randy wants to get drunk.

Yeah, I'll f*ckin' drink it.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Julian: have a good time, guys.

Hey, I know this may not be the best time, But I just wanted to let you know I really do love trinity.

Yeah, I know you do.

Is ricky gonna k*ll me?

I don't know, but I'd stay clear of him Until I talk to him.

Okay?

Thanks, jules.

Okay, okay, get back to work.

Jacob: all right.

J-roc: (rapping)

♪ t to the I to the double t, I to the e to the s, ♪ J-roc: ♪ that's titties.

♪ Dj: ♪ titties!

♪ J-roc: ♪ I've seen 'em in small town, villages, and major cities.

♪ J-roc: ♪ cities!

♪ Dj: ♪ titties!

♪ J-roc: ♪ titties!

♪ Dj: ♪ titties!

♪ J-roc: ♪ I like the ones on the girl that worked down at smitty's ♪ Dj: ♪ smitty's!

♪ J-roc: ♪ titties.

♪ Dj: ♪ titties!

♪ ♪ Some people call 'em sweater puppies, man, ♪ ♪ But I call 'em kitties.

♪ Dj: ♪ kitties!

♪ J-roc: ♪ titties!

♪ Dj: ♪ titties!

♪ ♪ T to the I to the...

♪ ♪ I said, t to the I to the...

♪ ♪ I said, t to the I to the...

♪ Lahey: oh, what a beautiful night.

And you're a beautiful man, randy.

Bullshit, you don't even find me attractive anymore.

And that little thing, that's my lie detector test.

Lahey: well, randy, maybe you've been right all along.

Could be the liquor that's been letting us down.

That's just an excuse, mr.

Lahey.

You just find me fat and disgusting.

Lahey: randy, I have never found you fat and disgusting.

Take a little dance on that pole there And prove it to me.

I'll show you.

What are you guys fighting about?

Randy: mr.

Lahey wants me to dance on the pole So he can try to get his little pole going, But he can't.

I'll prove it to you, julian.

Check this out, mr.

Lahey, You want a dance on the pole, do you?

Oh, I'll give it.

(Sings)

Lahey: randy.

(Randy sings)

Is that gonna get it up, mr.

Lahey?

Come on, get it up!

Aahhhh!

Julian: f*ck!

What the hell happened?

Is everybody okay?

J-roc: it's raining ma'f*ckers!

Julian: holy f*ck!

Bubbles: jesus murphy, somebody cover his package.

Lahey: (dazed groan)

Officer: well, well, well, this is quite a set up you got here For just a house party, swayze.

Let me handle this, partner.

My good man, you know what I'm sayin', You probably recognize me as an international recording artist.

Oh I recognize you, little jamie, Grade 10 education.

Hm?

No reported income for the last five years, And the only claim to fame you've got, As far as I could find, was finishing second place In the international rope skipping championship In boulder, colorado, in 1984.

Quite an accomplishment.

What was your speciality?

Double dutch?

T: f*ck this guy.

J: t, I can handle this, dawg.

J-roc: you don knotts lookin' bitch!

T: j-roc!

f*ck, I know you ain't disrespecting me dawg.

That skipping sh*t cut me deep, dawg.

Officer: suck on this, blondie!

J-roc: oh my f*ck, my eyes, man!

Officer: get him out of here.

J-roc: high-panted bitch!

Officer: I am gonna be watching you.

Is that right?

Oh yeah.

I'm gonna prove you wrong, big guy, Because I can play this game a lot better than you.

Really?

Yeah, really.

You got something to say?

No, I was just admiring your pants, officer.

Right.

T, you can do it, dawg, Just don't let roc pile hit rock bottom, you man.

T: man, I got you, dawg.

(Mimics record scratch)

Roc pile member: don't worry, you heard us, f*ck, keep your head up.

(Police siren buzzes and wails)

T: roc pile, let's go!

Show some respect!

Roc pile: roc pile all day, holla!

You know what it is!

Lahey: randy, come with me, I think I broke my back, bud.

Randy: I'm not coming with you.

I'm choosing the liquor for a change.

Lahey: randy, I love you, bud.

Randy: whatever.

(Glass shatters, cat meows and screeches)

Barb: oh my god.

What happened in here?

Randy and lahey went through the roof.

What?

All in all, we had a pretty good night, but we're short.

Oh.

Randy, you f*cked up my ceiling, You owe me 300 bucks.

Randy: I don't have that much.

Here.

Randy: I have 40 bucks, julian.

Julian: 40 dollars, bull f*ckin' sh*t.

Randy: that's all I've got.

Barb: boys!

Donna: oh gentlemen, I have some money, randy, here.

No, donna, put your money away.

A man's got to be responsible to pay his own debts.

Well, how about if I buy those beautiful crafts for sale?

Barb: oh, oh that is so kind of you, donna.

Those are mine actually, but I didn't do them like that.

Who vandalized these, julian?

Welcome sluts?

Julian: cory.

Donna: oh, (laughs)

It's hilarious, I love it!

I'll put it in my kitchen.

Oh.

How's four hundred sound, for the lot?

Oh my god, it's sounds amazing.

Sold.

(Stammers, flabbergasted)

I feel awful taking that for those.

I don't.

f*ck.

Mission accomplished, partner.

(Exhales, relieved)

mission accomplished.

Want a drink?

Why not?

Five bucks.

I'm shittin' ya.

(Approaching footsteps crunch over ground)

Bubbles: hey, ricky.

How ya doin,' bud?

Ricky: I'm not doing too f*ckin' good, boys.

Julian: just so you know, rick, Jacob's gonna make sure everything's cool, man.

He loves her, he told me so tonight.

Ricky: I know.

f*ck.

I mean, other than the fact that he's dumb, He's a pretty good f*ckin' guy, I guess.

That's not what I'm worried about.

Bubbles: what is it, then, ricky?

Ricky: old ricky's f*ckin' stupid, And jacob's even more f*cking dumber.

I'm just worried that my f*cking grandchild Is gonna be really, really f*cking dumb and stupid.

Ricky that's not true, and you're not dumb, bud.

Dumb is not the right word at all.

It's more...

Julian: it's okay, man.

Come on, I got ya.

Julian: get up, bud.

Bubbles: get up, ricky.

Bubbles: get your...

Get your legs under ya.

I don't know how to be a f*ckin' granddad.

Yes you do, ricky, come on.

Think about it.

You just gotta think Of how your dad was with trinity.

You know, remember all the stuff he used to teach her, It's just life lessons kind of stuff.

Yeah, he did teach her a lot of stuff - How to roll a cigarette with one hand; How to iron a shirt with a flat rock and a barbecue, That was a good one.

Well, I don't mean maybe those specific things, I just mean ricky there's gonna be times when, You know, you're just gonna know That's something that you need to pass on to your grandchild.

I guess so.

Will you guys help me if I f*ck up?

Julian: wrong end, bud.

Ricky: oh f*ck!

Of course we'll help you, ricky.

We're your family.

You know, we'll all do this together.

We'll always have your back, bud.

Julian: jesus!

What should we do with him?

Bubbles: just...

Let's just let him go to sleep.

Ricky, get some sleep, bud, we've got a big day tomorrow.

You gotta help me in the morning.

I love you, buddy.

Julian: I love you, bud.

(Snoring)

Hey, orangey, you wanna do some f*ckin' sh**t And smoke some hash, buddy?

This f*ckin' bottle's all done.