(j& "I Believe in You" by Nici Haris)
I still don't see why we just don't eat the Cheetos?
Because this is like an annual thing that we do every week once we get our allowance. But I'm hungry.
You ate breakfast.
OK, but I'm still hungry.
We'll get you something later.
Hit the dirt.
Do the honors.
All right, guys. Be still. And no Cheeto fights this week, all right?
Come on, just dump the bag! Just dump the bag, dodo brain.
Beautiful! Save some for yourself.
OK, that's it.
Why are you guys always picking on me?
Everybody get Evan!
All right. They're coming now. They won't come if you're not still.
Who farted? (laughing)
(wings flapping)
Here they come!
(laughing)
Oh, one of 'em just pooped on me.
Oh, man!
(sneezes)
Oh! Oh, man!
I mean, this could be bad for our health. I think I'm getting a fever.
(sneezes)
Oh, my God!
Aah!
Get 'em off!
(all scream)
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were in trouble.
So you hosed us? No, actually, I was trying to help.
Well, thanks.
I'm so sorry. What on earth were you doing?
Feeding the birds.
There's not much to do in Elma. Oh.
Who are you anyway? I'm the new teacher.
No way!
I'm here from England for a semester on a teaching exchange.
I guess they didn't tell you. Nobody tells us anything.
There's two classes. Little kids... And big kids.
Oh, I'm teaching the big kids. No way!
My name is Anna Montgomery. I'm from England and I will be your teacher for the first half of the school year.
Uh, before you get all sweaty, don't waste your time with us. We're losers.
You're not losers.
Yeah, we are. You just don't know us very good.
Didn't anybody tell you?
We had the worst test scores in the state.
So you all had a bad test day.
Four years in a row we had bad test days?
(all laugh)
Let's all get to know each other, shall we?
Someone tell me something that makes you feel special.
Why?
Right. I, uh...
I believe that you're all special because you live here in America.
And America is a place where you can be anything you want to be.
I think that was before Reaganomics, ma'am.
I look out here today and I see ten special faces.
That'll change once you get used to us.
Let's think of this a different way, shall we?
What makes you different from the kid sitting next to you?
(both) We have asthma! That's different.
(all cough)
All right. All right, guys, um...
What about the rest of you, huh? What makes you different?
Yes. Tak.
(burps)
Well, I can burp the whole ABCs. Well, that's a skill, isn't it?
(all burp)
OK, all right. Larry, your burps stink.
Larry, what makes you special?
My dad has a job. Yeah, that's very special for this town.
Yes, I suppose so.
Kate... What about you?
My parents are divorced. Thanks for bringing it up.
(snarls and hisses)
Shut up! (goat bleats)
What's that? First recess!
We've only just got here. We have another hour.
Hello! Come back!
How many times do I have to tell you to keep away from my car!
How many times have you told us today, Deputy Dawg!
Go on, go on. Move it, move it, move it! Move it, baby!
Come on, come on, off the car. Out of my way, I got things to do.
Hey, you may think you know everything, but here's a news flash.
Something radical finally happened in this town.
Nothing radical ever happens in this town.
Wrong! Yeah. We met our new teacher.
You get a new teacher every year. But this one's different, Deputy Dawg.
(all) Really different!
(kissing sounds)
Oh, guys, let's go. Bye, Deputy Dawg!
j& Well. I'm hopin' and I'm prayin' and I'm searchin' and I'm lookin' j& And I'm eatin' and I'm thinkin' j& That it's just a matter of time before you're a pearl j& And I'm gonna getcha. My little old girl
Bingo! That's a code red.
(siren blares)
Excuse me, ma'am. Deputy Sheriff Tom Palmer, Lane County.
We got an APB outta Austin. Bank robbers headed this way.
Driving a Chevy. You seen 'em?
Only car I've seen is yours, Sheriff Tom Palmer.
You can call me Tom.
You can call me Anna Montgomery, Sheriff Tom.
Oh, no, you can drop that sheriff part. Right. Sorry, can't help you.
Where are you from? Surrey, England.
Oh, I'm planning a trip to England real soon.
Been very interested in English things.
And I've always been very interested in America.
Not a whole lot worth seeing around here.
Of course, there are a few local points of interest.
Elma Armadillos was at one time a football powerhouse, back in the days when I played. Like she cares!
Oh, the children are so cute, aren't they?
See ya, Deputy Dawg! Anyways, as I was saying...
This town at one time was a football dynasty.
There's a billboard off of Main Street, documents some of the achievements.
You might want to take a look at it. That's me on the left side.
Of course, big twister last year took off the top of my head, but you can still see the resemblance if you're coming in on Route 49.
Kind of like... But with... you know. Uh-huh.
Aren't you worried about those bank robbers, Sheriff Tom?
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta get on that.
Welcome to America.
"Welcome to America"?
The car kinda acts funny sometimes. Bye.
Well, I think she likes me. (siren)
(goat bleats)
(speaks Spanish) OK.
Stop it. You're supposed to read it. (goat bleats)
Kate, tell her to turn this thing on.
My dad wants gas. Sorry, Kate.
Brenda, get this thing going! Yeah.
What is your problem?
My problem is you owe me too much money for any more gas to go in this truck.
I'll pay. I don't have the money now.
What? I said, I just don't have it right now!
You won't have it tomorrow or the next day.
I gotta draw the line, Ed. So I'm a little short on cash.
I mean, big deal. Maybe you haven't heard, but the factory closed.
Yeah, and Darius hasn't worked a day since.
How dare you act like I don't know what the plant's closing means.
And how come you're willing to turn against your own kind, huh?
I mean, people who are hurting. Look...
I got my own bills to pay, Ed. I got my own mouths to feed.
Oh! All my beautiful stuff. Days of collecting!
Aw, little kids' class has show-and-tell again?
Right. Kate, would you like to come and show the class where Columbus first landed in the New World?
You mean get up? Yes.
I don't get up for anybody.
Right. (knocking)
Excuse me. May I come in? Of course. Please.
(pupils chatter)
Miss Montgomery, class.
Class!
(chattering)
I said, class!
Thank you. (all) You're welcome.
Um, this young man is Ju-an Morales.
And he's new in our town and will be joining your class.
Howdy, Ju-an.
(all laugh)
Welcome to Elma, Ju-an.
Hello, Ju-an. Miss Montgomery. It's Juan.
Juan. You may take a seat.
Don't trip. Hey, Ju-an.
(burps)
Class, let's all make our new student feel at home, shall we?
Pull up a cot and get a pillow. We're in the middle of geology.
That's geography, Larry. Whatever. Same thing.
Right. Can we all please focus our attention up here.
Juan, we're learning world geography.
(snoring noises)
Can someone please tell me what's wrong with this globe?
You just broke it. Yes, that's true, but since you all have absolutely no interest in learning anything about anything I'm talking about, such as this globe...
Well, why don't we just try something else with it?
Man, where'd you learn to do that? Prison!
Ow! What?
Well, that's a joke, isn't it?
Um, I learned it in school in England, which is another country far from Texas.
I have another idea. Do you want to follow me?
Oops!
Whatever.
Here we have it. A football. I don't think so.
I think it's Mrs. Curdley's old kickball, ma'am.
No, no, it's a ball. And if we use it as a football, it becomes a football.
No, ma'am. Footballs aren't round. They're more shaped like a lemon.
Oh. Well, that's right. What I call football, you call soccer, so...
This is a soccer ball.
(both) We don't play soccer. Yeah, it's for foreigners.
I'm a foreigner. (both) Well, we're American.
And we don't like soccer. Let's go outside.
Isn't it time to go home? Whatever.
(bell rings)
Right, that's the bell. What do you say we all stay and have a practice?
Let's just stay. Juan, where are you going?
We need you. Don't you want to try?
We don't need him. Let him go.
So let's have a practice, shall we?
Give it a kick.
(siren)
Hold up there, youngsters!
Good thing I happen to be in the area, ma'am.
Cars come whizzing down this street like there's no tomorrow.
I haven't seen a car pass all day, Sheriff Tom, except for yours.
Five times! Just doing my job, ma'am.
(boy) Deputy Dawg's in love! (all) Deputy Dawg's in love!
All right. All right. All right. All right.
All right. Zip it, midgets!
I'm just fooling with you. I'm just fooling, I never talk like that to you.
Anyway, what you doing? We're playing football.
Football? Yeah.
This ain't football. I know football. This is what the world calls football.
All right, guys, let's all get in a circle. Let's kick the ball backwards and forwards.
This is called passing.
Nuh, uh-uh. You should pass them in the air for the pigskin.
You know, like, "First and ten, do it again."
It's Troy Aikman right to Emmitt Smith. Boom!
If you give me a hand, we'll discuss it. Very good!
I got it! I got it!
Great! You guys are great. This is so exciting.
Oh, you're showing such potential.
They are awful.
OK, you guys, I want to talk to you. That's the end of the day.
Whoa! Two points, Larry.
All right. You all tired? Good.
So listen, while you were all practicing, I called the school board and I got us in a league in Austin.
Unfortunately, their season started last week, so our first game's gonna have to be tomorrow.
Tomorrow? As in the day after today? That's what we call tomorrow.
In Austin? That's, like, a million miles away.
Look, all you have to do is believe in yourselves.
Why? Well...
Because we believe in you. Don't we, Sheriff Tom?
Don't we believe in them? Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course we do.
Even if we did decide to go, how we gonna get there? Walk?
That's a good question. Um...
Sheriff Tom, can you do me a personal favor?
Name it. Can you help me drive the kids to Austin?
Oh... Well...
Yeah, I'd love to.
Can you also do me another small, personal favor?
Anything, pretty much. All right, we're short a player.
Uh... What do you think? I'd never pass for a 12-year-old.
I mean, what do you think about getting us a kid to play?
Well, you know, I... I'm... I got a lot of things to do, and I...
Well, what do you say, Deputy Dawg? You gonna help us?
Yes? Miss Morales?
What do you want? My kid didn't do anything.
No, course not, course not. I'm here as a coach.
You see, Miss Montgomery's trying to put together a soccer team over at the school.
Juan doesn't play soccer. Well, none of the kids do.
But he doesn't like sports.
Well, maybe he'll learn. It's an after-school thing.
I want him to come right home after school.
If you'd like to think about it. I don't need to think about it. Thank you.
Ma'am?
I don't think she likes me.
Why? I explained why.
But if I don't play soccer, I'll never make friends.
I am your friend. You're my mother!
There's no reason to make friends. We'll only be here a short time.
You'd just be sadder when we left. Come on, let's eat.
I'm not hungry.
Hey, Newt, what's up? Not much.
I found a part of a tailpipe and an old shoe.
You seen anything good?
Nah. Look, I come here to ask you to play soccer with the big kids.
See, they're fixing to start a team, and we're down a player.
Wow! Nobody ever asks me to do anything. Of course I'll play!
Good. Thing is, we got a game right now. Wow! A soccer game?
What's soccer anyway? Well, it's kinda like kickball mixed with that there hockey.
Well, I don't know nothing about kickball or hockey, but I'm your man.
Oh, Sheriff Tom! Don't touch my hat, boy.
This is ground control. Would you do me a personal favor?
Zip it! And I'm getting upset now! I'll cut a switch and I'll tan your hides!
What did I do? Why are you hitting me? He's hitting me!
And you boys just relax now. Come on, boys. Settle down!
I swear, I'll deny it. I'll deny it all.
Are we here to play soccer? (all) No, sir!
Why are we here? (all) To win soccer, sir!
I can't hear you, let's do it a little louder. Are we here to play soccer?
(all) No, sir!
Why are we here? (all) To win soccer, sir!
All right, you're k*lling grass. Let's move!
Let's go, let's go. Here we go, now!
Pick it up, guys. Come on! Come on!
We're playing these guys? At least we practiced.
All right, bring it over here. Let's go! Right here.
Hey, is that the team we're playing?
(boys laugh)
They don't even look like a team. Hey, what do you turkeys call yourselves?
Hey, you guys, what's our name?
We don't have a name.
We'll tell you later! They brought a goat!
Look, he just happened to be in the car, OK? We didn't bring him on purpose.
Yeah, right. (coach) I wanna smell sweat.
Wait a minute. I know him.
(all) K-N-l-G...
Hm. Looks rather tough. He was a real blockhead.
Tom, long time no see. It's been a few years there, Jay.
Well, Va-Va-voom! I'm Jay Huffer. Tom and I grew up together.
That was back when we were both young and innocent.
Must 've been when he was a blockhead. Excuse me?
She's from England, Jay. There's a language situation.
This is Anna Montgomery. She's an exchange teacher in Elma.
I got out as soon as I graduated. Only losers stick around.
Hey, my kid's the leading scorer. How's your kid doing?
Don't have a kid.
Really? And you're coaching? Why bother?
Love of the game.
Hey, come on. I thought we were gonna play now.
Just a second, Newt. Go on back and we'll be with you in a minute.
The little kid's playing?
That's right, we're mixing up the sixth, seventh and eighth graders.
Yeah, enrollment's down since we been there, Jay.
Whoa, wait a minute. You got girls on the team?
In our league, girls have their own teams.
Well, we don't have enough kids for that.
So... you got little kids and you got girls?
Yes, that's right.
I guess they didn't tell you. We won the league championships last year.
We, uh... We were undefeated.
It might be different this year, Jay-Jay.
Come on, Anna.
Well, good luck.
They got little kids and girls on the team.
(all laugh)
This is not soccer. Gentlemen, this is not soccer.
I hate that creep, and I can't stand his kids, even more than I can't stand our kids.
All right, you midgets. You better win or you're walking home!
Hi. I'm Larry.
(whistle)
Go on, get it! Concentrate!
Get it! Watch where you're going!
Oh, no!
That's my boy. That's a Knight!
Flank to the right.
Just suck it in. Suck it in. Stay with it. Stay with it.
The Knights! The Knights!
(whistle)
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Pass it!
Don't lay on back, just go in there and get aggressive with 'em!
Yes! Score!
(all) Whoa!
They're horrible. That's the spirit. Keep 'em down!
Knights, that's 8-0!
Men, we're up 10-nothing.
It's moments like these that build character.
What do we do when we're clearly superior to the enemy?
Go for the throat? Exactly.
We show no mercy.
We do not let up.
We go for the k*ll.
(groans)
Now, let's take into consideration that this is a learning experience.
Let's all get back out there and concentrate, and let's try and have a good time.
Hey, we may not be the sharpest tools in the shed, but we know the difference between a good time and a bad time.
And this is not a good time. (whistle)
(cheering) That's the right place!
Oh, come on, Larry!
And score!
16-nil! Let's keep it moving.
Come on! Come on! Get in there! Tackle 'em!
Darlin', tackle 'em? This ain't football!
Tackle means get the ball off of him. Well, excuse me. Does she know that?
Penalty kick!
Oh, man! Like a straight-arm! Like old Bubba Smith!
Call me a stud, Jay, but I'll tell you something, she got him.
Little ol' girl got your boy. Sorry there, Jay! Whoo!
Maybe I can get into this. Way to go, Kate.
Game! That's game! Let's go, Knights.
Get off me! You'll never take me alive! Aah!
Everybody in! Hands in. Let's sound off. Let's tell them who we are.
Two, four, six, eight! Who did we decimate?
What were their names again?
They're not good enough to have a name or even uniforms.
They're nothings from nowhere. Knights.
(all) Two, four, six, eight. Who did we decimate? The Nothings! The Nothings!
The Nothings! Yeah!
We're not the Nothings from Nowhere. We're the Elma Nothings.
Is it over yet?
(Knight) Do us a favor and learn the rules!
Well, Tom, we're a high-scoring team, but 18-nil?
That's good, even for us.
Tommy, a suggestion: Lose the girls. Even better...
Lose 'em all. Find yourself some talent.
Of course, I don't know how you're gonna do that in Elma!
All right, victory lap! Let's go, Knights!
Good game! That's a Knight. There we go! There we go!
All right! All right! All right! Good game! Come on, what are you waiting for?
Come on, let's go! Round the field! Round the field! Round the field!
What a jerk! (Knight) Catch you later, loser!
Come on, Kate. You tried. We're all proud of you.
Why? We tanked.
Well, technically speaking, yeah.
Yeah, but you all played, and that's what's important.
(British accent) What's important is that we never play again.
Can we get out of here? This is embarrassing.
Yeah, come on, ya'll. Let's go. This stinks.
Do you know what I think? I think after a good night's sleep, they're all gonna feel very differently about this.
I wouldn't count on it.
Give me a few minutes before you start.
I speak their language. You got it.
OK, children.
Now you all have experienced the agony of defeat. Big time.
Whoo! Now, I first started playing organized sports... Hello.
...when I was about your age right there at the Big Green.
Now, you see, we weren't very good, but we never gave up.
There was a day... I have a question.
Good, good! Exactly! Participation, you see, it's a key.
Fire away, big guy.
While you're here... Uh-huh.
Who's giving speeding tickets and picking up dead animals off the highways?
(all laugh)
I love the children.
First rule: No questions about anything. Go ahead, Anna.
(Kate) Come on, you don't fool us. You don't know jack about soccer.
Now, I may not know all the rules, but I do know a thing or two about kicking a ball.
Check this out, Miss Attitude.
Whoa! What a kick!
Good show! Ow. Right.
Wow! Now I see why put you on the billboard.
Well, thank you kindly.
Listen, if you guys practice, you know, maybe the town will give you a billboard of your own.
Before we could ever be on a billboard, we'd have to get a name.
Even bad teams have names.
How about the Big Green? You know, the old sign. That's our field.
That's pretty good. That's a good idea.
Hey, good idea, Newt.
So I guess we're the Big Green. Yeah, now if only we could play.
Look, nobody plays well without practice. Now we've got to start with the basics.
Now in soccer training, there are four different areas:
Right. Fitness, technique, tactics... Uh-huh.
...and game psychology. I knew that.
All right, let's all line up. Boys and girls, right down here.
Everybody, come on. Come on, Katie, Lou and Sue.
Pardon me, Lou. Sue and Lou. Come on, go in there, Larry. Excellent.
Ah... Sheriff Tom? You might want to join them in line.
It looks to me like you've had one nacho plate too many.
(all laugh)
OK, if you wanna play soccer properly, you've got to be able to run for at least an hour.
If I ran for an hour it'd k*ll me. Ditto.
That's right. But we're gonna work up to that hour.
Now today we're gonna run for 12 minutes.
You ready? Let's go.
Come on, midgets, get your butts in gear!
Come on, Miss Montgomery's talking to you.
Deputy Dawg, you owe us.
Come on, Katie, get up. Come on, Evan, come on. Tak, get on. Lou and Sue, everybody.
I wore boots today.
Sheriff Tom's gonna pay for this one! Come on! Get going! Keep it up!
Faster! Faster! Faster! Come on! Come on!
Come on, come on, come on! Faster! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!
My feet hurt. My shins hurt.
So, what do you think? We'll never last.
I'll see you guys later.
Hey, you want to come over my house?
OK. One lesson apiece. No telling anyone. Ever!
Hold on, everybody! (all yell)
(j& "On the Road Again" by Willie Nelson) j& On the road again j& Just can't wait to get on the road again j& The life I love is making music with my friends j& And I can't wait to get on the road again j& On the road again. Going places that I've never been j& Seeing things that I may never see again j& And I can't wait to get on the road again j& On the road again j& Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
(all) We love you, Deputy Dawg!
Kate, I know you can do this.
Come on, I'll probably just end up being a checker at the Piggly Wiggly.
So what difference does it make?
You don't fool me, Kate. I know how smart you are.
And even checkers at Piggly Wiggly will need math too.
No, they don't. They have those little black stripes on all the things.
It adds it all a*t*matic.
Look, giving up before you've ever really started is a sad way to live your life.
You keep your talents hidden and undiscovered, you'll only cheat yourself.
(giggling)
Why don't you all worry about your own work?
Kate's right. Everyone get back to work.
(Larry) Whatever.
(bell rings)
Hey, two points.
Maybe Juan's got some hidden talents. No way. Juan doesn't play.
Yeah, he doesn't look very athletic anyway.
Like you do?
You gonna play goalie? I always play goalie.
Mind if I take a few sh*ts against you?
Oh, you're gonna play? Don't worry, I'm not very athletic.
Get in the goal, Larry. What did I do?
As if he could get it past King Larry!
(kids laugh)
Yeah! Come on, big boy! Yeah!
Gosh, I'm not feeling so good about this.
Whoa, we don't look like that when we get the ball.
(all) Yeah, that's for sure.
You think he's done this before? I think he's done this a lot before.
He's awesome! (twins) Too bad he doesn't have a twin.
He couldn't have a twin. He isn't human.
He's definitely the answer, you guys. What was the question?
How are we gonna win? (all) Juan!
Hey, he's getting away. (twins) Wait up!
We need to talk to you. Oh, yeah?
Where did you learn to play like that? In El Paso. Everybody plays there.
Well, you gotta play with us here. No.
Come on, we need you. You're so good.
Hey, I'm sorry. It's all right, man.
(chattering)
So you were holding out on us.
It's just a game. Not the way you play it.
Wait till we go to Austin, we're gonna kick butt all the way to Pizza Hut.
Man, I wish we lived in a town with a Pizza Hut!
Um, look, I can play at recess, but I can't play on the team.
What do you mean?
I'm sorry, I can't. I don't get it.
It's a family thing.
All right, excitement's over. Everyone take their seats.
(all) Please!
I don't want Juan going into the city by himself.
He doesn't go by himself. We all go.
Yeah. Yeah.
He'd probably do better without us, Mrs. Morales, but it's a team sport.
Austin's really not that far.
You could come. My mom's gonna go this time.
Oh, I can't. I work during the day.
We can take care of him, ma'am. We promise.
(all) Yeah! Please! Please!
Control the ball now! Control!
You think they look athletic?
No, I think you look athletic, Larry. Really? Cool.
My Aunt Burr used to say, "Anything you need in life can probably be made with masking tape and spit."
What are we making? Shin guards.
Oh!
Let's go, Terminators! OK, here we go, Terminators!
Ready, dude.
(whistle)
Come on, sh**t it, Tak! You're wide open!
sh**t it now!
God! What's wrong with you? You were wide open!
(Tak burps)
Come on, now, let's hustle! Come on!
All right, we'll be back. Come on. Let's stay with it, guys!
Get the big one! Get on the big one!
Terminators!
(cyclists) Here we come!
Hey, Larry! Larry, Larry.
Are you OK? Can I tell you a secret?
Well, sure.
When I get afraid... I mean really afraid, the players on the other team, they change into these bad guys.
I mean, they really change into these bad guys.
You're a pretty complicated guy, Larry. Um... catch you later, big guy.
Come on in! All right. Polly, you did great. Good going, Polly. Come on.
No one's passing to me. You'd just lose the ball.
Too many are passing it to me.
All right, now quiet down.
Quiet down. Quiet down and listen to me!
Why should we listen to you? 'Cause I'm your coach.
No, you're just here 'cause you're after our coach.
Yeah!
I'm here, midgets, and that should be enough.
Well, it's not enough. Well, it is enough.
I'll tell you what, 'cause I'm an adult, all right!
All right, guys! Hey, this is wrong, all right.
We're not to fight each other, whether it's on the field or off.
All right? This is not what we talked about when we spoke of teamwork.
Stop calling them midgets. (all) Yeah!
Now, listen to me. Juan can't do everything. You gotta pass to each other.
Right?
He's the only one who's any good.
But playing like a team right now is more important than winning.
And once we have more skills, that's the only way you guys could ever win.
Exactly, right? So you gotta support each other. OK?
Now look, look. Come over here. Come here.
Let's say... gather around... this is the field, right?
And Juan is right here. Now, if they've got three defenders on Juan, that means... Two of you guys are wide open.
Right. Take advantage of this, all right? They're not expecting it.
Let's make a go of it, a game of it. You see what I'm saying?
All right? (all) Yeah.
All right? (all) Yes!
Kate! Kate!
sh**t it!
You scored! I did it?
You scored! I did it! I did it! I did it!
I scored a goal! Yay!
I knew you could do it! Whoo! Whoo!
That's one. Ah, that was brilliant!
You're late.
We stopped at a Pizza Hut after the game.
I scored a goal. Did you win?
No.
Next time we'll win.
Good. You guys are doing good! Looking good! Pass it!
Hey, you know, they're getting better. Yeah.
(thunder)
(Tom) Hey, it's starting to rain.
Hey, Larry, come on in!
Hey, come on, kids. Come on in!
Come on! It's raining! Raining! That's it for today! Time-out.
It's not over for us!
Come on! Come on in! Come on, Larry. Give us the ball!
No! You want it? Come and get it! Yeah!
Larry, give us the ball! Larry, gimme the ball, boy.
Let's make them work to get the ball!
We better help 'em out. Those kids are never gonna give up the ball.
(man) I'm playing soccer! Let's play soccer!
(j& "Sunny Side Up" by Michael Sembello) j& When the rain comes pouring down and it just don't seem to stop j& Remember good things fall from heaven. It ain't no time for giving up Polly, come on, you crazy girl!
Come on!
Yeah!
Lord have mercy! We're playing mud soccer!
(burps)
Stop! I need help!
Thank you, God.
It's the same thing, isn't it? Here and here and here.
It sure is. Uh-huh.
You see how that works? Yeah.
You look nice. Your hair looks nice.
Thank you. You're welcome.
All right, you guys. We gotta mow the Big Green.
This is degrading.
Come on, guys. Am I the only one doing anything here? Wimps.
It's heavy!
Count of three. (all) One, two, three!
It won't slow down! It won't slow down at all!
(all) Oh, no!
Oh, no! Runaway cows!
The low-tech solution. Cool. We don't have to do anything.
It worked! This is awesome! The cows actually worked.
Hey, look. Here comes Larry. This is rad! You are awesome!
Aah!
Gosh.
You're dead! Oh, no!
That's great. Is that for Sue or Lou? I don't know.
(all) Thank you!
(Anna) Keep your eyes open and keep your mouth closed.
(panting)
(Tom) Come on there, Polly! That's it, good, Katie.
Nice! Very nice. Go on, Juan.
Good. Good pace. Keep it up.
Gently, gently.
Ninjas!
(yelling)
(whistle)
(referee) Corner kick, Big Green.
(whistle) Score!
Juan!
Juan!
(whistle)
Good! Good! Good! That's a hustle!
The walking dead.
Buccaneers!
(all laughing)
Take it, Sue!
Vikings.
We're gonna come and get you, little porker!
Goal! Congratulations, Coach. That's one.
(whistle)
(bell rings)
Here she comes!
(all) Surprise!
Hey, we figured out what makes us special.
Well, I can see that. It's not all the stuff we put up, ma'am.
It's you. Yeah.
Thank you.
What's this? St. Patrick's Day? Nah. It's Big Green Day.
Every day is Big Green Day lately. You got that right.
The championship game is Saturday. Oh, God.
Well, if it isn't Jay Huffer! In from the big city.
A mini-mall's a big city compared to this place. Double scotch, straight up.
Things are that good, huh? One of those days.
Eh... What are you doing for a living nowadays, Jay?
Auditor. IRS.
(both) Ugh! I love my work.
(both) Ugh!
So I see you somehow managed to get yourselves a good soccer team, huh?
They're just a bunch of kids. Hey, they're winners.
We kinda got out of the habit of winning, but it feels good.
It's hard to believe that Mexican kid's a star.
Who, Juan? He's incredible. Kate's damn good too.
You oughta come out and watch her. I got better things to do.
Just my luck somebody'd move here who knew how to play, huh?
Well, things would be a lot better if people would just stay put.
Probably not even legal.
I doubt it. Most foreigners aren't. I hear you.
Say, Ed...
Let me buy you that next drink, huh?
(police radio)
Judy said you wanted to see me, sir? Yeah, Tom.
I hope I'm not taking you away from your soccer duties.
I have some real sheriff work for you to do. Got a call on some illegals.
Morales? This kid's on my team. Good. Then you know where to find him.
Mom, just tell him.
I've been in the United States for 14 years.
Juan was born in El Paso. He's a citizen.
They had amnesty about eight years ago, but I did not apply.
I'd gone back to El Salvador to see my parents.
You were supposed to have stayed in this country the whole time.
Do the people you work for know you're illegal?
I bought a fake Social Security card in San Antonio five years ago.
I pay taxes and Social Security under that name.
I have an American son, but I can be deported, sent back, just like that, OK?
What's he doing here?
(Newt hums)
Hey, what's up?
Oh!
But are you sure?
Yes, she was very upset. Let's go over there.
No, no. Look, school starts in five minutes, all right?
When Juan gets here, we'll make sure everything's OK.
Everything's not OK. That's what I'm trying to tell you!
Kate, you're overreacting. Now, go and sit down.
You're wrong. You'll see.
I'm going to Juan's house. Wait!
We're not supposed to leave school.
Hey, wait up! I'm going too! Me too!
Come on, guys, we're late for his house!
(twins) Wait for us! Come on, you guys, do we have to run?
They're gone! Darn! We just lost our center halfback!
Come on, Nick. He was our friend. Great. We're busted.
We shouldn't have left school.
Why did you leave school? What are you guys doing here?
They're gone! We can see inside. All their stuff is gone!
She panicked. I told you! It's all your fault.
I saw you here. You did it! Kate!
Kate! (children) Kate!
Kate, it'll be OK!
Kate!
Kate, come on! We need you!
What are you doing home? They're gone.
She left three years ago. Or didn't you notice?
Not Mom. Juan.
What? That Mexi kid?
Don't call him that! Don't you ever call him that!
Honey, I didn't mean anything by that. Yeah, you do.
What the hell's gotten into you?
Soon as I'm old enough, I'm out of here. Nobody in their right mind would stay here!
Now you hold on just a damn minute.
Don't worry. You won't know I'm gone.
You don't even know I'm here right now!
Honey, come back!
Come back here!
I've been looking for you. Small town. Not a lot of places to look.
Well, I've found quite a few.
You know, Tom had no idea they were gonna leave.
Actually, he was trying to help.
I think a lot of people would've tried to help, but they got scared.
They didn't even say goodbye.
I know. I'm sorry.
That's how you know they're not coming back.
People only say goodbye when they plan on saying hello again.
It's a rule.
The other kids don't know if they want to play tomorrow.
They're thinking maybe we should forfeit.
What do you think? What do I think?
I think that Juan would want you to do well in school and in soccer.
He wouldn't want me to do well. He'd want me to win.
(rooster crows)
One, two. One, two. One, two.
Victory. Yes.
Join, my fellow rabbit skins. I need a victory.
H-E-L-L-O. That's the way we say hello. Hello.
Go, Big Green!
What could it be? (all) New uniforms!
We all pitched in.
These are good. There we go.
It's got your name and everything. Kate, look at that.
Here, put it on.
What are you all staring at? Come on, let's get going.
We gotta have time to warm up.
(j& "As Long As We Can Walk" by Jeff Raris and The Immigrants)
I think I'll stay here a while. It's the same ball we use at home, son.
I don't think so. Here they kick a cannonball straight at my head.
Get out!
Whoo!
We look like a bunch of hicks.
Well, I hate to break it to you, babe. We are a bunch of hicks.
(team captain) Come on, guys, keep it up. Let's go!
Mr. Huffer. Where's the coach?
I'm the coach. I mean, uh, Palmer.
Oh, him. He'll be here in a minute.
And where is your star player?
Oh, now, now. They're all star players. We'll see about that.
Say, you know we have a little tradition down here among the coaches. Before the final game, we always make a little wager. Really? What are we betting?
Well, now I couldn't take your money from you, but...
You know I'm divorced.
I wouldn't say no to a kiss.
Deal. But if you lose, you have to kiss our mascot, Ernie.
He's that lovely little green goat over there. Mm-hm.
(bleats)
He's divorced too. Deal.
We better not lose.
You call this ready to play? I don't call this ready to play!
Where is he? I don't know.
He should be here any minute. Coach, we need to begin.
Can you give us another five minutes? We're just sort of waiting for...
Now, Coach. Or we have to call the game.
Well, I guess we have no other choice. All right.
OK, guys. Come in! Come on, let's go! Come on, Larry!
(applauding team)
All right, listen, guys. They won't let us wait any longer.
So if you guys play together, and you all play as a real team, we can b*at them, all right?
OK. Come on, you guys, let's go. (all) One, two, three! Go, Big Green!
Get on out there and kick some... butt!
Good afternoon, everyone. Welcome to the Junior Soccer Championships.
Today's match-up features the Knights of Austin against Elma Big Green.
The Knights are coached by Jay Huffer and the Elma Big Green are co-coached by Anna Montgomery and Tom Palmer.
The Austin Knights are undefeated. And The Big Green have a season record of...
We can hear something after them now! Let's see you on your feet for the Knights!
And here we go for the start of the championship.
The Big Green will take the kick-off. Nick Anderssen kicks off to Rolly Nelson.
(player) Go, go! Take it all the way!
Let's go. Show them!
Oh, bad luck! That's OK, that's all right.
(announcer) Ball collected by Knights' goalie Chris Stoia.
All right, come on! Let's go! Get in there and top them!
Yeah! Yeah!
(announcer) Excellent save by Elma goalie Larry Musgrove.
That's a goal! Score! Goal!
(announcer) It's 2-0 in Austin. Another put-in by number 2. Shannon Rinn.
It's 2-0 in favor of the Knights.
All right, good. Pass it!
Hey. Hey, look who showed up.
Yeah, yeah! Go! Go! All right!
How are we doing? Down by two.
It's good to see you, Ed.
I'm glad you made it. Thanks.
Come on, Kate!
Let's go, Kate! Come on, let's go, Big Green!
And as we head to half, the score is 2-0, in favor of the Knights.
OK, gentlemen, half time.
We're halfway through the game we've been building for.
We're halfway there. We're not all the way there.
The time to gloat is soon upon the horizon.
I look at the scoreboard and I see a score that tells me 2-nothing.
We're not there yet. This may be the most important game you'll ever play.
It certainly is the most important moment of your lives, and I want you all to remember one important thing.
Don't mess it up.
What've you got? Goat!
What've you got? Goat!
What are we? Goats!
So what do you say to a goat?
Barbecue! Barbecue!
Everyone OK? (all) Yeah.
All right. Tom's gonna be here any minute.
If he's not here in a minute, why bother? You guys are doing great. Trust me.
2-0? Better than 17-0.
Hey, I'm having fun. That's all that matters.
All right, guys, half time's over. Let's go.
Come on, let's go, Big Green! (all) One, two, three, go Big Green!
And here we go with the start of the second half.
(announcer) The Knights' Shannon Rinn will take the kick-off.
(whistle)
Goal kick, Big Green.
Watch out, Larry! Watch him over there! Come on!
(Jay) Control that ball!
There we are! There we are!
Come on, y'all. Let's do it again!
Call a foul!
(announcer) Number 14. Tak Yamato. Collides with number 8. Buddy Abbey.
This could be a foul.
Ten minutes till curtains.
Maybe, but you're a whole lifetime away from having a brain.
(announcer) It looks like we have an injury.
All right, come on, clear, clear.
Hey, give me some room here, come on, come on. The boy needs to breathe.
Which leg is it, huh?
Broken? Broken? No, I don't think so.
No? No. All right.
I hope he's all right. I'm sure he's all right.
Cookie! Hey, hey. Look who's here!
He found him!
Oh, my gosh! Brenda, he's here! He's here!
Juan! Juan!
(announcer) And it seems we have a late arrival.
Number 10. listed on the roster as Juan Morales.
Kate, I came back to b*at these guys! You didn't say goodbye.
Don't be mad. I wanted to. Well, next time you go, say goodbye.
Next time I go, I'll just take you with me.
(all) Juan!
Hey, found 'em outside Garretville.
It looked like a good place to hide, but he's already got a better plan... Already got them a lawyer.
Tom's gonna be my sponsor.
Well, I figure if I'm gonna be living in a little town like Elma, I gotta get good people there with me.
What's that, huh? What's that? Come on, come on, delay of game!
Come on, call it! Take it easy, Coach.
Hey, listen, what am I? Card 'em! Card 'em!
They shouldn't be on the field like that!
Coach, are those your assistants back there?
Yeah.
You might wanna tell one of them to start warming up.
Am I the luckiest man in the world, or what?
Just when I need a decent ref, I get a comedian.
A comedian! Well, thank you.
Whoever did that for me, thank you.
Oh, man, what a day. What a day.
Oh, so you made it, Coach.
Yeah, I had to pick up the last member of my team, Jay.
I thought everybody qualified to be here was already here.
Everyone qualifies. And so do their families.
Hey... Now we got ourselves a real game.
(injured player) Ugh. Has anyone seen my mother?
(announcer) The Knights' number 8. Buddy Abbey. Is OK. Play will resume.
And it looks like we have a substitution for the Big Green.
Replacing number 11. Jeffrey Luttrell. Will be number 10. Juan Morales.
(announcer) Ball knocked out by the Big Green. Knights' throw in.
Kicked out by goalie Stoia. And a magnificent header by Juan Morales.
Control it!
Possession changes. Superb play by Big Green number 85. Newt Shaw.
Pick your man!
Morales to Kate Douglas. She passes back. They're going in to the net.
Nick Anderssen now has the ball. He takes a sh*t. Goal!
It's now Knights 2. Big Green 1. With only minutes left in the game.
Come on, where are my Knights? Where's the defense?
Knights take the kick-off. We're in the final minute of play.
Big tackle from Juan Morales. Big Green now has the ball.
We have just ten seconds left in this game!
Juan Morales is going for the goal with only five seconds remaining in the game!
He sh**t. Goal! Goal!
With three seconds left on the clock. Juan Morales scored the tying sh*t!
You guessed it! We have a tie! The Big Green battles back!
Ladies and gentlemen. Don't go anywhere. This game is not over!
The Big Green is going nuts! The Knights are stunned!
It is a tie! Big Green 2. Knights 2.
You all rock! What a game!
Regulation game has ended in a tie. There's not gonna be any overtime.
We're gonna go straight to penalty kicks.
OK, what we got here is called a sh**t-out, all right?
Five members from each team are gonna run on to the field, each one's gonna take a sh*t against the goalie.
So Juan'll kick five times? No, each player can only kick once.
Right. But Juan, you're going first.
Mm-hm. Go get 'em.
Then Kate. OK.
Then, uh... Nick. All right.
Then Sophia. Mm-hm.
Uh-huh.
OK, I need a volunteer for the last position.
I'll do it.
I don't think so, Newt. Why? I got a great kick.
And I'm not afraid.
What do you think? I'm little.
I'm low to the ground. I got power. I got the moves.
I'm your man.
You got the job, big guy. All right, you guys are the greatest!
Time-out. Time-out.
Now that we know who's kicking, who's gonna play goalie? I'm not!
You guys know about my problem. They turn into monsters.
Larry, listen...
If you see them and they become monsters, just become part of the nightmare and join in.
Turn yourself into a monster and fight back.
I'll try. All right. You can do it, son!
Now you all played a great game. If you do miss your sh*ts, you run back to that center circle with your heads held high, got it?
(all) Got it! Let's go!
Are you all proud of yourselves? (all) Yeah!
Good! We're proud of you. All right!
(Tom) Come on! Let's go.
One, two, three! Go, Big Green!
Larry, want my goggles? They get rid of fear.
I'll try anything.
Knights, OK.
(announcer) And the Knights win the toss and elect to go first.
First up for the Knights, number 7, Robert Bishop.
Come on, Larry, come on. Buddy, hang in there! Hang in there!
And it's good. The score is 1-0 in favor of the Knights!
What a sh**t-out. It's all right, Larry.
Up next, number 10, Juan Morales.
He scored the equalizer. Can he do it again?
He does! The score is tied. One round. 1-1!
The second kicker for the Knights is number 2. Shannon Rinn.
It's in. It's in there! The Knights now lead 2-1.
Darn!
Up for the Big Green. Number 13. Kate Douglas.
Come on, let's go, Kate! Let's go!
It's good! It's in! The score is now tied. Knights 2. Big Green 2.
Up next for the Knights. Anthony Atkinson.
That's it, it's in! 3-2 for the Knights!
Up next for the Big Green. Number 9. Sophia Conveflino.
Come on, Sophie.
It's good! What a crazy game! We're still tied here in Austin!
There are only two kickers left for each side.
She did it! That's it! She scored!
The fourth kicker is up for the Knights. Number 8. Buddy Abbey.
Come on, Larry. Come on.
He blocked it! No goal!
Goalkeeper Larry Musgrove sets up a huge opportunity for victory.
You did it! You did it! Yeah!
Yes! Yeah!
Come on, Nick!
Here comes number 8. Nick Anderssen.
It's over the top! No good! Again. This keeps the score tied at 3 apiece.
Oh!
I blew it!
I'm sorry. It's OK. You tried.
I'm sorry, guys.
(Ed) It's OK, Nick. All right.
That's Jay Jr. He's our favorite player in the world. He's my son.
So it all comes down to this.' Each team has only one kicker left.
For the Knights. This will be Jay Huffer. Jr.
The Big Green will follow with little Newt Shaw.
Team captain. Number 10. Jay Huffer. The leading scorer this year in the league.
Has the final opportunity to score for the Knights.
Become part of the nightmare. Turn yourself into a monster and fight back.
Come on, Larry.
(Jay) What's the matter? Come on, focus! You're a Knight!
Come and get me!
There seems to be some confusion.
There's hesitation on Jay Huffer Jr.'s part.
Come on, big guy. Come on.
But he finally signals he's ready.
It's a save! It's a save!
What a huge opportunity for the Big Green! Yes. It's still tied up.
3-3 and the Big Green has one kicker left!
(Larry) All right! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
All right, guys! No monsters, Larry! Yeah!
Here we have the fifth and final kicker for the Big Green.
Number 85. little Newt Shaw.
This is for the championship!
If he makes the kick. The Big Green wins.
Come on, Newt!
(whistle)
(bleats)
It's in! He did it! He scored! That's the game!
The Big Green have won the championship! I don't believe it!
The Big Green have won! The Knights don't believe it!
The Big Green have won!
(bleats)
Yes! Yeah!
I scored!
I love you, Kate. I love you too.
Go, Big Green! Go, Big Green! Go, Big Green!
Go, Big Green! Go, Big Green! Go, Big Green!
Go, Big Green! Go, Big Green!
Go, Big Green! Go, Big Green! Go, Big Green!
You were great!
I believe we had a deal, Jay.
Kiss the goat.
(all chant) Kiss the goat! Kiss the goat!
Thank you.
Big Green, The (1995)
Moderator: Maskath3