06x12 - Customer Satisfaction

[bunniefuu]

Produce shipment coming in at 10:00.

And also, we have a new district manager, who is here and excited to meet all of you.

He's not new.

It's Jeff.

Oh, come on.

I had "Eye of the Tiger" queued up.

I was gonna do a whole thing.

You mean, run in while "Eye of the Tiger"

- was playing?

- Guess you'll never know.

Anyway, hey, team.

Good to be back!

Wow, so congrats on your promotion.

Or...

getting your job back.

Either way, you look...

- welcome back.

- Thank you.

Yeah, I guess Zephra wanted someone with experience.

They also wanted someone who could handle, oh, I don't know, two districts.

Now, while I'm here, I wanna make sure we're pushing our shoppers to fill out their customer satisfaction surveys.

Sorry, what surveys?

The...

link at the bottom of every receipt?

Huh.

Is that new?

No.

Been there for years.

Nobody bothers with the surveys.

People only use receipts to spit out gum and for m*rder alibis.

Okay, well, Zephra's looking at the scores a nd the comments, so it's important that you get positive feedback.

Especially this store.

What's that supposed to mean?

There's been some chatter that 1217 is a "problem child" store.

- What?

- I mean, you did damage the store's servers, there's the raccoon infestation, there's Carol's lawsuit, not to mention the multiple attempts at unionizing.

Well, yeah, of course it's gonna sound bad when you just rattle them off in a row like that.

But if you interspersed them with good things we've done or just, you know, random trivia...

How do we get positive feedback?

Because after church and the bus, this is the place I get yelled at the most.

The key is a personal connection.

Customers eat that up, especially moms.

You guys get a mom, you send her my way.

I'm gonna get you that positive feedback, guaranteed.

Ew.

You're gonna sleep with all the moms - to get a good survey?

- No!

What?

- Jonah, please.

- Let's keep it clean.

Glenn, we actually legally can't tell Jonah who not to sleep with, so if you're gonna have sex with the moms, just do it on your break.

I'm not...

F-fine.

Dang, you guys are probably thinking, "Oh, man, if Zephra thinks the store's a problem, "then they're gonna think we're a problem.

"Then they're gonna fire us, and then, we're never gonna work in retail again." Oh, my bad.

Were you not thinking that?

Oh, my God.

She's right.

Zephra just fired Gil Richelieu from Kirkwood.

He was manager there for 15 years, and then, one bad safety report, and he's out.

He gives massages at the airport now.

Ew.

Which terminal?

Two.

There is no way in hell I am working at Terminal Two, so we need to push these surveys hard.

Not one customer leaves without taking one.

They'll die before I let them leave, unless they really need to go, in which case, I'll completely understand!

Cheyenne, you can monitor the surveys on the app.

If one of our people gets even one bad review, I want you to pull them off the floor as fast as you can.

- And shave them?

- What?

Like shave their head to shave them so they know they did something bad?

No, just reassign them to the back.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, sorry.

It just wasn't clear.

So you just go on your phone.

Uh, this survey's not on my phone.

Just open an internet browser.

No.

Okay, I guess I can.

Um, what's your passcode?

Oh, it's my grandson's birthday.

Okay, so...

October, or...

Excuse me, ma'am.

We're doing a customer survey.

- Do you have time to tell us...

- Time?

I work two jobs and have three little ones at home.

Do you think I have time?

Uh, no.

I do the shopping and the cleaning and make dinner.

Tell me, do I have time to take a survey?

No!

You're so busy.

And do you think Richard notices?

No, he doesn't!

Oh, you're getting a call.

Oh, you can just answer it.

Okay...

Hello?

It's your dentist's office.

They wanna confirm for tomorrow.

Oh, tomorrow is no good.

- Okay.

- Um, he'd like to reschedule.

Yeah, well, I'll send you some recipes.

Your grandma is gonna be changing her tune about tahini in no time.

Oh, and if you don't mind, fill out this survey at the bottom of the receipt and let Cloud 9 know about your experience.

Buh-bye.

Uh-oh!

Two packs of Nutter Butters?

Someone's got a case of the nom-nom-noms.

So again, it's out of five stars, five meaning I helped you a lot today.

Are you sure you wanna go with two?

Let's go with one.

So we haven't set a specific timeline on getting engaged, but it's probably gonna happen pretty soon.

I feel like you only asked me how I'm doing so you can talk about your thing, but cool.

I just always pictured us walking by a street performer, and they'd stop us and say, "You guys are the most "beautiful couple I've ever seen.

Can I play for you?" And we'd be like, "Oh, my God.

Are you Michael Bublé?" And then, he'd play while I got down on one knee and...

But you know, with COVID...

Yeah, I bet Bublé is bummed he can't be a part of that.

Well, still, it's gonna be, like, - the best proposal ever, so...

- Proposal?

Someone getting married?

Uh, yeah...

Uh, Garrett's proposing.

- To his girlfriend.

Doreen.

- What?

Garrett, why didn't you call me, man?

Yeah, sorry.

Probably 'cause I've never called you before.

- Yeah, I know.

- What's up with that?

Anyway, congrats!

I have a jeweler you should definitely talk to.

He hit me with his car, so he owes me a favor.

Let me get you his business card.

It's in my attaché.

Hmm.

- Dude, what was that?

- Sorry.

But don't you remember when he found out Eric and I were just dating?

He flipped out!

Also, I'm on a journey of growth and maturity, and I don't need to flaunt my relationship - in my ex's face.

- Yeah.

Plus, in my mind, Doreen is super hot.

You should see what I'm picturing.

It's almost like, "Is she too hot for Garrett?" So we've gotten some customer reviews in, and I just have to say, everyone is doing an amazing job.

But also, some of you are not, so I'll be pulling some of you off the floor and putting you on a special assignment.

Like, just away from human interaction.

Uh, but again, amazing job, everyone.

Hootie-hoo!

So the people I'll be pulling will be Justine, Dan, Sandra, uh, Taylor, Earl, and Jonah.

And Jonah, what?

You started a new sentence with, "And Jonah..." Oh.

Oh, no.

Sorry.

I was just finishing my list of the bad people.

- No.

What?

- No, that's...

no.

Check the list again.

Well, she made the list, so she probably knows who's on it.

- Yeah, Jonah.

- She's not gonna check it twice.

She's not Santa Claus.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

Some people just thought that you talked too much.

Like, way too much, actually.

One lady said that you accused her of having - "nom-nom-noms." - Oof!

They don't like it when you comment on what they eat, bro.

- I was being friendly.

- This is ridiculous.

I don't belong with this group.

I have people skills.

Not saying you guys don't, but...

kinda.

How are we still only averaging two stars?

We've only got one five-star review.

"The store was completely out of baby wipes, but an employee ran to the back and found the last box for me." Elias.

He's always hoarding wipes in the back for himself.

I've begged his wife to get a bidet.

But don't you think it's weird that he got five stars for that?

I guess it kind of makes sense.

I mean, the customer had an issue, and the employee went above and beyond to solve it.

I think that makes more of an impression than when everything's just fine.

Huh.

We need to start making problems for our customers.

What?

We cause the problems so that we can swoop in, solve them, and get a higher score.

'Cause problems for our customers?

Come on.

Isn't that how Stalin got his start?

- Yeah, you're right.

- We should probably just, take the I, let Jeff fire us in disgrace, see if Hudson News has any openings.

All right.

Let's do it.

I guess.

I think.

So you see all these boxes here?

We need you to move them over there.

Oh, man.

I hope we can get this done in time.

- In time for what?

- This is just busy work.

It's not busy work.

It's work that this group of people will excel at doing.

All right.

So good luck!

Don't talk to anyone.

Good luck!

Wait, so what kind of problems are we supposed to be making for the customers?

Like, "you guys are out of cheese" problems, or, "oh, my God, my baby was stolen" problems?

So we're supposed to stash a bunch of stolen babies - in the back?

- Gross.

Well, actually, I don't think it's that gross.

Wait, do I want kids?

Isn't this a lot of work for just a couple extra stars on a survey?

If we don't get our score up, Glenn and I could be fired.

And then do you know who's gonna be in charge of you guys?

Who's gonna be around all the time?

- Jeff.

- Yo, everyone, take this seriously 'cause I'm not pretending to have a fiancée for more than one day.

But messing up is against my nature.

I wouldn't even know where to start.

Well, we got the baby thing.

Oh, God, I wish I'd said no to the baby thing earlier.

Now, it's getting so much traction.

Okay, guys, it's simple.

Hide popular items in the back.

Then, when people ask for them, you can "find the last one." Take away the shopping baskets, but offer to carry their stuff for them.

Let's also shut down the customer bathrooms.

We'll let them use the employee bathroom, and they'll feel like kings.

- Oh, I'll do it.

- Linchpin of the operation.

In your face, Garrett!

- Oh, man.

Really?

- No pizza?

Yup, that's what we're saying.

But can I offer you a free hot dog as an apology?

- Yeah, thank you.

- I really appreciate that.

- You do?

- Yeah, thanks so much.

That's great, 'cause we really are out of pizza.

There's no dough, there's no sauce.

No Italians in sight.

Hey, don't forget to put that on your customer survey!

Girl, it is your lucky day.

I had to dig and dig through the back, but I found the last one for you.

Thanks.

- Oh, sorry.

- Bathroom's closed.

But you're gonna love the employee bathroom.

Come on.

I'll show ya.

I gotta dump one out too.

Oh, so I'm digging and digging, and then, all of a sudden, the whole shelf falls.

And I'm like, "Not today, shelf." And I dive out of the way.

Anyway, I got you the very last one.

- Wow... sh**t.

- I actually need two.

Oh, you know what?

I think I saw another one back there.

Say one too many things about tahini, and you're just thrown back here like you're nothing.

This wouldn't be happening if the customers could see my whole face, you know?

The top half raises questions, but the bottom half answers them all.

Hey, don't get down on yourself.

So we got put in the back.

It doesn't mean we're worthless.

- No, I know.

You're right.

- I just...

It just means we're back of house people.

Strong, silent, shadow people.

The rejects.

The freaks.

Well, I wouldn't say freaks specifically...

♪ He's a super freak ♪ Super freak, he's super freaky ♪ Thank you.

♪ Do, do-do-do, do-do, do-do ♪ - Okay.

Yeah.

- No, I know the song.

Hey, dude, I just got off a 45-minute phone call with Jeff and his jeweler, and they were really judgmental because I don't know the size of Doreen's ring finger.

- I'm sorry.

- It's just for one day.

Oh, and ring size is easy.

You just take a ring they already have, and slip it on to a tapered candle...

She's not real!

Can't you just come clean and get him off my back?

I wish I could, but I think the mature, healthy thing for me to do... is to avoid him.

Hi.

Can I help you with something?

Actually, yeah.

I'm trying to choose between a ribeye and a sirloin steak.

I'm having dinner with my tree guy.

Any recommendations?

Well, you're gonna get a richer flavor from the marbling on the ribeye, so if it were me, I'd go with that.

- Awesome.

Thanks.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, hey.

Sorry.

Really quick.

Um, I wasn't too much just now, was I?

You know, like, if you were writing a review, you would say that I...

I belong around, uh, people?

Uh, I...

uh...

- I don't...

I don't know.

- Hey.

No, no, no.

Hey.

No, it's okay.

Don't be weird, okay?

Just don't tell anybody about this, okay...

Jonah, you're not supposed to be out here near the customers.

- But I was good!

- I was so good until the last part.

Tell her.

I'm so sorry about him.

Sir, I'll make sure he doesn't get back out again.

- No, Cheyenne...

- I just wanted - to buy a ribeye.

- Oh, come on!

You didn't know what you wanted until me!

You were lost!

I'm fine...

♪ Eeny, meeny, miney, mo ♪ Which free hot dog gets to go ♪ What are you doing?

Picking which one to give out next.

You have to have a system.

Hey, I just checked the numbers.

Your score went up.

You're even b*ating Fenton.

Keep it up!

- We did it!

- You hear that?

- We freakin' did it.

- It worked!

Sorry, Fenton, guess you're gonna have to stick to your other distinction...

Most prostitutes k*lled in your parking lot.

Yeah, they can't fire us now.

Dina, I got to admit, you were right.

I mean, he's the one buying steak from a Cloud 9, so he's the crazy one here.

He's the one who should be in the back of...

wherever he works.

Jonah, we're trying to work.

Why don't you sneak back on the floor since you obviously think you're better than this?

No, no.

I don't think I'm better than this, okay?

I think we all are.

You know, none of us are freaks, or... or shadow people...

Jesus, Dan!

How long were you...

My point is, our time and our skills shouldn't be wasted.

In fact, let's get out of here.

Let's go outside and enjoy the day.

Let's value our own worth and take the day back!

- You know what?

- You're right.

- I can do more than move boxes.

- Yes, Justine!

I can be the lead singer of the coolest band there is, and I'm the only white one, and everyone else is Korean.

Yeah, so let's start with going outside, and then, we'll see where we land.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

You know, I bet they officially congratulate us.

Maybe even something laminated.

Oh, that baby's going right on the wall next to asbestos warning, for sure.

Yeah.

Whoops.

There's a little spill.

Huh.

What the hell did you do?

You said to shut down the bathrooms, so I clogged the toilets with a bunch of salami - and sh*t glasses.

- I meant, like, hang an "out of order" sign on the door!

Okay, yeah, well, I wish you would've just said that.

Oh, my God, is this pee-pee water?

Am I gonna get hepatitis?

I knew this was gonna come back to pinch us in the butt.

- Hold on.

- I think I can fix this.

No.

My bad.

- Made it worse.

- Hey, guys.

There's a bunch of water in the hallway.

- Yeah, we're aware.

- It's pee-pee water!

- You could get hep!

- Oh, my God!

No one is going to get hepatitis.

I am...

almost sure of it.

We got this.

We'll shut down the water, and we just have to keep Jeff from seeing this, so someone needs to distract him.

Oh, I think Mateo's the right man for the job.

No.

My journey...

- Mateo it is.

- Now, everybody go!

Wait, let me just try one more thing.

Do not flush that toilet again.

Ah...

Oh, if we could just find an opening, I'm pretty sure I could just suck out the clog.

- "Super absorbent"?

- Yeah, right!

Okay, listen, we're gonna need the big beach towels.

They're seasonal.

We don't get them till next month.

We can't let more water get out on the floor.

- Move!

- Ugh!

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

Glenn, don't get it in your mouth!

- Is it working?

- No, it's not working!

Hey, Jeff.

I just realized we need to catch up.

So how are you?

How are things?

- How are the Subarus?

- Good.

Really good.

Everything's good.

I started a gratitude journal.

Oh, well, and, of course, there's the new guy.

Oh...

new guy.

Huh, look at you.

New guy.

Let's talk more about that.

Well, his name is Trevor, and believe me, he lives up to it.

And let's just say, he likey the Jeff.

Check it out.

Oh, there he is.

Just in a towel.

You should buy him some clothes if you like him so much.

No, I see it.

Yeah.

Attention, shoppers, we're aware of the water on the floor, and it's being taken care of.

We apologize for any inconvenience, and would like to offer you a free hot dog...

not from the café, but a pack from grocery.

They are technically cooked, so you can just eat them right out of the bag.

- No, no.

You're right.

- I mean, why not?

You know, a year from now, we're all gonna be on a cruise together.

We have to.

- Puerto Vallarta, baby.

- Alaska.

Aurora borealis.

The colors just dance.

It's like the sky's painting you a poem.

Earl, that's beautiful.

See?

We're good out here, guys.

Has anyone tried the orange flavor?

It's like nothing I could've imagined.

Ah, this is great.

I mean, why waste our day in there when we're not even needed?

♪ Over and over ♪ And over again, my friend ♪ Ah, you don't believe ♪ We're on the eve of Well, Trevor is like...

Hmm, how can I put this so you'll understand?

It's like if you took all the best traits of the Avengers and put them into one person.

I actually don't understand that because I don't watch nerd movies, but congrats.

Yeah, I guess I'm just the happiest I've ever been.

I mean, and I wish that for you, you know I do.

Maybe you can get there one day.

I'm already there, okay?

You don't have to wish me anything because I'm the one proposing, not Garrett.

Eric and I are happier than you and Trevor.

I'm ahead.

You're behind.

You're the one proposing?

Yeah, so we b*at you and Trevor...

There is no me and Trevor, okay?

I went out with him once, and he hasn't called me in like five weeks!

- Oh, this makes sense now.

- I just wanted everybody to think old Jeff has still got it, you know?

I mean, I-I cannot believe I did this.

I am pathetic!

Just pathetic...

Wait.

Hey.

No.

You're not pathetic.

Who covers two districts, huh?

Not me.

You have a lot to offer.

- You think so?

- Yeah.

I know things didn't work out between us, but you were a really good boyfriend.

And honestly, I don't know anyone who takes better care of their Subarus.

Thanks, Mateo.

What is that?

- Is that water?

- What?

Ugh!

Is this working?

- Of course not!

- Go faster!

What the ****?

Are you kidding me?

I mean, what the **** is wrong with this **** store?

- Oh, my God.

- What happened here?

Jeff, did you do this?

♪ - The whole store was flooded?

- Yeah.

It was nuts, and, like, a ton of used needles washed out from under a shelf.

Something's been going down in Housewares.

Okay, well, we're back and I'm ready, so what else needs to be done?

Let's get this crew on it.

There's not really anything left to do.

Most of it's already been done.

I mean, I was calling you guys for a while.

- Where were you?

- Uh, well, we...

we were on a break because we deserved one today.

Jonah made us go outside and relax.

- We didn't wanna do it.

- You came alive out there, Justine.

Don't lie.

Well, did you at least finish the special assignment?

That was just a bunch of busy work.

Yeah, but if you didn't move those boxes onto the shelves, then they were probably damaged in the flood.

And that was, like, all new Zephra products, - so that's, like, really bad.

- Damn it, Jonah!

I knew we should've finished the work, but you led us astray with your exotic flavored waters.

I just wanted you to understand - that we are all better...

- That's the thing.

I'm not better than the work.

I'm a shadow person.

And I like it!

- Okay, yeah.

- No, yeah, I get it, so...

so yeah, we'll get back there and assess the...

No.

You know what?

You're not wanted in the back.

Oh, my God, did you see me almost follow her?

Like, I literally took a step.

So the store will be closed for a few days to repair all the water damage.

That's not good for quarterly numbers!

Not to mention all the customer complaints we're getting about being splashed with "pee-pee water." And most are negative!

Some people were into it.

Mm.

What a mess, huh?

We don't even really know what happened, but it did start in the customer bathroom, so talk to them about their diet, I guess?

So I should tell corporate that their plumbing got wrecked because a customer ate and pooped out a whole salami and a complete set of sh*t glasses?

Hey, things can come out of your butt that didn't start in your mouth.

Glenn, you backing this up?

- Mm-hmm.

- That's what I always say.

Fine.

Okay.

This store...

My boyfriend, Trevor, is not gonna believe the day I've had.

- Fake boyfriend?

- Oh, 100%.

Yeah.