08x11 - Strutting Peacock and Father O'leary

[bunniefuu]

Are you nervous?

No, I speak at meetings all the time.

You "share" at meetings.

You've never been one of the main speakers, let alone at a combo AA/Al-Anon meeting, and you've never had to follow a legend.

You trying to get me off my game?

No, honey, I'm excited for you.

I just know how hard it is to get up and pour your heart out to strangers, some of whom are very critical.

Well, so far I've only found one who's critical, and she's no stranger.

(scoffs)

Why do people think I'm mean when I'm being helpful and helpful when I'm being mean?

It has to do with your tone and body language.

And their stupidity.

As a veteran of these things, I think it really helps if you have a shape.

I like to start with a joke, get to the darkness, bring 'em to tears, applause, thank you, good night.

How's this?

I met you, you're an alcoholic, married you anyway, started going to Al-Anon, the end.

Well, putting me front and center's not a bad instinct.

I really appreciate your expertise.

I just find it's better for me if I'm spontaneous.

Ah.

Like jazz.

Very hit-and-miss.

You know, when it hits, it's great.

Though you can never dance to it.

Maybe sex, but it's gonna be messy.

Messy is the best kind of sex.

That's true.

You should put that in your share.

We are really gonna help people tonight.

(laughs)

We're so excited you both agreed to speak.

You know, we've had mother-daughter, uh, siblings, but we haven't had a married couple in a while.

Talk about a profile in courage.

- We are pretty amazing.

- Thanks.

- Stay calm.

- I'm calm.

- Adam, I'm on your side.

- Now there are sides?

Ooh.

This'll be fun.

(indistinct chatter)

There's no oat milk for my coffee?

The one last thing I'm allowed, ruined.

There's almond, skim and half-and-half.

Yes, but no oat.

The gentlest of the milks.

God, you are such a diva.

Been called worse by better.

The guy OD'd on heroin, but he can't handle regular milk?

Don't even bother with the coffee.

There's nothing acceptable to dress it with.

Rod, this is my husband Adam.

Adam, this is my sponsee Rod.

Now, I don't want you two bucks to start tangling antlers.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Oh, my God, ask each other something.

Uh, got any oat milk?

Uh, not now.

Or ever.

What's your go-to milk?

Milk.

Ah.

Wow.

(scoffs)

Why don't you talk about something that's important to both of you, like, for example, me?

Oh.

Your wife's been an enormous help to me.

I mean, I've been sober a long time, but I wasn't truly rocking the steps until Bonnie came along.

Oh, stop it.

I'm gonna start blushing.

Adam, your turn.

Oh, I've got a whole nice thing to say about you up there.

Oh, that's right, you're the headliner tonight.

Can't wait.

- I'm speaking, too.

- Yeah, but we've heard yours.

A brave little girl who turns out to be... you.

Okay, everybody, it's meeting time.

Let's find a seat.

This is exciting.

I've never heard Adam speak.

Too bad we have to sit through "sad little girl" to get there.

It's "brave little girl," and I expect applause from both of you this time.

And who was that brave little girl?

Me.

For those of you who need it, there's Kleenex in the back.

For those of you who don't, I wish I had your strength.

Thank you.

What did I tell you?

Legend.

(laughter)

I mean, I'm, I-I'm a stuntman.

I have literally been sh*t out of a cannon, been on fire for a good six minutes.

But none of that prepared me

- for being married to an alcoholic.

- (laughter)

ADAM: But the longer I've been here, I've realized that...

alcoholics have been a part of my life for a long time.

Starting with Father O'Leary.

Not my real father, but he did make me leery.

(laughter)

Wasn't this meeting supposed to end at : ?

I can't believe that people were so moved by my share.

Is that what they mean by "not a dry eye in the house"?

You were amazing.

Never would have guessed it was your first time.

You were amazing, too.

Ah, I was off my game.

I think I'm getting a cold.

I didn't tell you before.

I mean, you can't hear it yet, but it's-it's coming.

Do you want to go home instead of the Bistro?

It's not that kind of cold; it's better when I'm out with people.

Why are you parking?

I'm meeting up with Rod.

My Rod?

Yeah.

He came up to me after and said that my share blew him away.

He said I gave him a light bulb moment.

Good for you.

But bear in mind, his accent is all over the place.

He might have just been asking for directions to the bathroom.

Can't tell you how refreshing this is.

You're the first bloke I've met in the rooms who doesn't treat me like the Rod Connaughton.

(chuckles)

Didn't even know that was your last name.

(chuckles)

See, there it is.

You were a stuntman, you worked with celebrities.

- I know you won't be starstruck.

- That I can guarantee.

I've been offering Adam tea for years... nothing.

But the minute Rod walks into his life, it's Downton Abbey.

And it's okay you feel that way, Bonnie.

I learned that from Adam's share.

Don't tell me it's okay to feel this way when I don't even know how I feel.

And that's okay, too.

It is.

All I know is, I have one husband and one sponsee, and frankly I don't approve of this canoodling.

Don't you have two sponsees?

How does that help my point, scoreboard?

Maybe Adam's offering him a different perspective from Al-Anon.

Yeah, well, Adam wouldn't even need Al-Anon if it wasn't for me.

I don't think that's the defense you think it is.

Yeah, I'm with Bonnie.

These two don't make sense.

I mean, Adam's a man of the people and Rod's just a big old strutting peacock.

Mm.

Being somebody's sponsor doesn't mean that you're their only source of inspiration.

He can have other people to talk to.

Well, you're my only source of inspiration.

- Don't you also have a therapist?

- Damn it, Wendy.

(laughter)

Look at them over there, hogging Beatrice.

Hey.

(snaps fingers)

We'd like to order, too, guys.

What would you like?

Oh.

Well, I'm-I'm not sure yet.

(music playing over tablet)

(singing along): ♪ Out of nowhere, you were there ♪

♪ Satin jacket ♪

♪ Perfect hair... ♪

- BONNIE: Wow.

- (clears throat)

One tea with Rod and you're practically throwing your underwear at him.

(exhales)

All right, I was quick to judge him.

He's a cool guy.

Yeah.

He's become cooler since I've been working with him.

He's got issues.

All confidential, of course, but here's a hint...

rhymes with "snoozes sniagra." Well, he's coming over to give me a guitar lesson.

That's gonna be fun.

Oh.

You two kids made a playdate?

- Yeah.

- Good.

Good.

I give you my blessing.

Did I need your blessing?

I'm his sponsor, you're my husband, it could get complicated.

There are things that he may share with me about you that I can't tell you.

And there may be things you share with me about him that I may have to tell him.

You picking up what I'm putting down?

Yeah.

Don't tell him things I don't want you to know.

Why?

What are you hiding from me?

(laughing): Can we just go to sleep?

Yes.

With my blessing.

I couldn't find my guitar.

Do you know where it is?

You hide things from me, I hide things from you.

Did you know it's gonna rain on the weekend?

Did you know you're part of the cleanup commitment?

I'm supervising.

Yeah, my housekeeper was right, that's not the same thing as helping.

Are you mad at me, love?

I can't tell.

Looks like you just jumped out of a plane.

Says the man with the hair system.

Did you get those plugs with a Groupon?

I see what's going on here.

Sexual tension all coming out all squishy.

Like you could handle this.

I could handle Tina Turner.

You sure it wasn't a man dressed like Tina Turner?

Either way, quite a night.

Rod, your mom's here to pick you up!

Sexy.

No, no, put your index finger there.

That's it.

And your second finger on the next fret.

No, the next fret.

No, the other next fret.

I think I know why they call these things "frets." Okay, how's this?

- (strums chord)

- (laughs): Oh!

That's lovely.

Learn two more and you can be in a punk band.

Ugh.

You make it look so easy.

Well, I've been playing since I was .

It's funny, I only picked it up to impress a girl.

Well, I should say "a woman," 'cause she was .

Worked at the record shop.

(chuckles)

The things we do to impress girls.

Nothing else motivates me.

I used to think I liked money, but then I realized it's women who like money and I like women.

Well, that worked out for you.

Did it?

I'm in me s and I live with me mum.

Yeah, I've never actually had anything real, like what, what you have with Bonnie.

You'll find it.

Nah, I don't think so.

When it comes to women, I just can't stop the Rod show.

I even do it with Bonnie.

I keep trying to charm her.

I get it.

I'm like that around pro football players.

- Real football, not your kind.

- (chuckles)

There's just something about them.

I really want them to respect me.

Are you friends with pro football players?

I had a sh*t at one, but he could smell the desperation.

Four calls in one afternoon, and it was over.

Adam, I can't imagine any man not wanting to be with you.

Sorry, left out a word.

Not wanting to be friends with you.

- (both laugh)

- Thanks, man.

See, that.

That's what's missing from my life.

Men.

My dad left when I was a little kid, and I blamed myself.

My bandmates were only in it for the dr*gs and women.

I haven't had a real male friend since I was nine years old.

And he b*at me up for a bag of crisps.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Rod.

Are you okay?

- Rod was just telling me about...

- About the time I met Cyndi Lauper.

Oh, what a day.

Guess girls just really do want to have fun.

Well, Mum's making a roast, so off I go.

By the way, I think I'll be better off with a male sponsor.

Take care.

What did you do?

I just don't get it.

What did I do wrong?

It's not you.

Rod said he can't be himself with women.

That's why he needs a man.

Oh, come on, I'm manlier than most men.

I'm manlier than you.

Who owns more hair products?

Go.

Now is not the time for this, but Rod called my hair luscious.

I thought I was helping him.

Sometimes the thing that helps the most is realizing we're on the wrong path.

Are you trying to say the worst thing?

You were right.

- This did get complicated.

- That's not helping.

Damn it.

"You were right" usually works.

Hey, Shawn, can you start a dressing room for me?

Be with you in one sec, Jill.

I'm just finishing with a customer.

Oh, that's a first.

(chuckles)

Might as well be at the Goodwill.

I'm not sure that's your color, love.

What are you doing here?

A little retail therapy.

This is a woman's boutique.

That is a woman's blouse.

Ah, when it looks this good, it's just Rod's blouse, baby.

Okay, Jill, do you want me to put that in a dressing room?

No.

I just realized it's tacky.

You live with your mom.

How can you even afford to shop here?

Oh, Capital One just sent me a new credit card.

I'm in a mad dash to max it out before they realize the error of their ways.

You know what?

This is my happy place.

So I'm gonna act like the music industry since and ignore you.

I've got that one, too, darling.

Damn it.

Don't you dare step foot in Chanel.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Well, I was just telling them, my feet...

Are about to be stomped on unless you let me finish.

Can you let me out?

I need to pee.

What...

minutes you've been here.

Now I sit down and you need to pee?

You make me nervous, and I had three waters.

Hold it.

- Bonnie, what's wrong?

- What's wrong is I was right.

I sat here in this booth with Grandma Bunions and said Adam and Rod hanging out was gonna be nothing but trouble.

What happened?

Did they get into a fight?

Is Adam's hair okay?

Rod wants a new sponsor.

Just go.

So what's the big deal?

People change sponsors all the time.

That's true, I went through five of them in jail.

Shivved, shivved, paroled, shivved, wasn't a good listener.

How'd you get there?

I'll never tell.

Honey, we help people for fun and for free.

Stop making it about you.

But I was really good at it.

Well, I'm really good at it and you've fired me times.

- You want to go for ?

- The point is, if you genuinely want to help someone and they need something from you that you can't give them, you should be happy they get it from someone else.

You know, nobody's ever asked me to be their sponsor.

What's up with that?

Conversation for a different time.

I get it.

You both are gonna say no, but I'm starting to think my ego got in the way here.

- No.

- No.

But wow, what an evolved thing to say.

All right, you can be my sponsor again.

Wow.

Didn't even get to throw my hat in the ring.

Is it my vibe?

Am I too intense?

Answer me right now.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

I bought this months ago.

(chuckles)

Well, they just threw this one in 'cause, you know, I'm me.

Well, they've never given me anything for free.

Well, you were never on Solid Gold with Andy Gibb.

You had one song.

Satin jacket, perfect hair, satin jacket, perfect hair.

So you have listened to my music.

It came on the oldies station in my car.

Cha-ching.

Do you carry that around so people know you're a musician?

Do you carry that around so people know you're rich?

I'm sorry, I...

I'm doing it again.

What?

I'm putting on a show.

I can't help myself.

You're a woman and-and I feel compelled to perform for you.

I see.

I only recently learned this about myself.

(chuckles): I tried to shop it away, but...

the feelings found me again.

They always do.

I'm not proud.

Well, that's the first time you've acted like a human being since I met you.

(exhales)

Thank you, Jill.

I just, I get so tired of the game.

(guitar strumming)

Whoopsie.

Whoopsie.

Whoopsie.

Hey.

Listen to this.

Yeah, I have been listening and I'm hoping that song is called "Whoopsie." You sure you're okay that Rod came over to give me a lesson?

Well, I do wish that lesson had been more effective, but I do want what's best for Rod, and I think being friends with you is part of that.

Awesome.

But how about you give the guitar a rest while I show the apartment across the courtyard?

I don't want them thinking a musician lives here.

Eh, never mind.

They won't.

Hey, I've been making progress.

(guitar strumming)

- Whoopsie.

- (sighs)

We cover all utilities and...

Whoopsie, looks like the painters are taking a break.

Yes, we are waiting for the base coat to dry.

You guys hear about Jill and Rod?

I know, right?

You can cover your mouths, it's still gossip.

You want to go over there and talk about it away from Marjorie?

Hell yeah.

We need to talk.

Oh, yeah, we do.

The Fongs took the apartment and they want to have you and Rod over for dinner.

They are very open-minded, so I would not go unless you want things to get weird.

Um...

got to go.

Hey, Bonnie, um, thank you for being so understanding about my decision to find a new sponsor.

Of course.

I want what's best for you, it's not about me.

Anyway, um, I have a bit of situation, and I was wondering if you could help me find someone to talk to?

Let me introduce you to Marjorie.

She's not a guy, but she's running pretty low

- on estrogen these days.

- (chuckles)

Marjorie...