09x11 - Granny Nanny

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, Vanessa.

- Hmm?

Do I look hot?

- You look cute as a button, as always, Jen.

- (SIGHS)

Great compliment if I was a kitten.

You packing Mr. Baxter's lunch?

(LAUGHS)

I am getting Sarah's diaper bag ready.

Mandy's on her way to pick her up.

She's still napping.

Hmm, kids sure need a lot of stuff considering they don't do anything.

What they really need is their gwammy-gwam

(BABY TALK): who lubs 'em so very, very much.

Mwah.

I've been talking to toddlers all day.

Hard to break.

Harder to listen to.

Well, after they leave, I am going on a training run.

I'm doing a half-triathlon for my birthday.

It's, uh, it's a big one.

(LAUGHS)

Kind of a milestone.

Oh, that's right.

How old will you be?

Well, there's three parts.

Uh, running, swimming and biking.

It's gonna be a lot of work, but we got to prove to 'em we still got it.

But which birthday is it?

Yeah, that's right.

Sounds fun.

MANDY: Oh, Mom.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Hey.

Hi.

- I'm so sorry that I'm late.

- Oh, that's fine.

- It's more time for Sarah and Gwammy.

- (CHUCKLES)

Okay, well, I'm sorry to ask, but I have to pick up some fabrics tomorrow for a freelance job.

Could you... ?

Of course.

You know what, bring her for breakfast.

She loves my famous mashed bananas.

- Mmm.

Who doesn't?

Nummy.

(LAUGHS)

- Yeah.

Also, the job may take till Friday,

- so...

- So, bring her every day.

Look, I wub it.

- Well, Kyle's waiting in the car.

- Okay.

- You're the best.

I love you.

- Bye.

Love you.

Love you.

You look hot, Jen.

Thank you, Mandy.

- (EXHALES)

Hi, guys.

What...

Hey.

- EVELYN: Mommy!

Yes, sweetie.

Yes, I see you in the sandbox.

Mwah!

(CHUCKLES)

That's the greatest thing Dad ever made.

I mean, besides me, obviously.

(CHUCKLES)

Whoa, Mom.

Uh, you working on a road crew?

No, I'm training to do a half-triathlon for my birthday.

Don't ask which one.

KRISTIN: Sweet.

Uh, listen, I hate to ask, but, uh, can you watch Evelyn for a couple hours?

- I've got a management course, and...

- You go, go, go.

Gwammy loves the sandbox.

- You're the best.

Okay, I'll be home by dinner.

- Mwah.

Oh!

Actually, wait.

Uh, Wednesday night, Ryan and I have this thing if...

Uh, oh, no, done.

You know what?

I-I will just, uh, work out tomorrow.

(CHUCKLES)

- Love you.

Okay.

- Love you, too.

Whoa.

Jen, you look hot.

How do you not see it?

♪♪

(ALARM BEEPING)

Mm.

Turn off your alarm.

Mm.

It's not my alarm.

It's your alarm.

Hmm?

Oh.

- Sorry.

Oh, gosh.

- (BEEPING STOPS)

Old habits.

(SIGHS)

I was having a great dream.

It was all about a federal flat tax and a cap-free interest on mortgage deductions.

You were in it, too.

My God, you're romantic.

(GRUNTS)

You know, uh...

God, honey, it's : a.m.

Yeah.

I got a swim workout.

Yeah, I heard all that.

But the important thing I just said:

- it's-it's : a.m.

- (LAUGHS)

Yeah.

Well, uh, I have a jam-packed day.

I mean, I'm taking Evelyn and Sarah

- to Tumbling Tots graduation.

- Oh.

And then I have a training session with the HTTG.

- It's too early for acronyms.

- Yeah.

I got into the Half-Triathlon Training Group, and if you miss one session, they kick you out.

Well, a competition's kind of a strange way to celebrate

- your fif...

- Hey.

F-Fitness goals.

Exactly.

There's only so many hours in a day, so that's why I got to stretch the clock

- and my hamstrings.

- Well, when I turned f...

- Hey.

- That age, I just got myself a case of good Scotch.

And a chain saw and a crossbow.

Because I wanted safe toys to play with when I was hammered.

Well, I think it's sweet that you are so worried about me.

I am worried about you.

You need more rest.

No, no, no.

Not at all.

Look, I am in the Open Division with -year-olds.

You think those Pilates bodies that I'm competing against are sleeping right now?

I'm sure their husbands are.

Look, I can handle this.

Don't you remember in grad school, I would...

I would go to class, then work all night and then study until the morning?

That's when we thought Jolt Cola was a health drink.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, relax.

I got this.

All right, okay.

So, you're gonna swim in your PJs, right?

What year did they introduce the tail fins?

Come on, that's easy.

.

- Give me a hard one.

- Okay.

Okay, hotshot.

Um...

(CHUCKLES)

The taillights on the '

Shelby Mustang were previously used

- on what other car?

- Oh, I think I know...

Silence!

I know this one.

' T-Bird.

- (EXHALES)

Damn, Baxter.

- I totally knew that.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

- All right, how about this?

What year was the AMC Rebel introduced?

(SCOFFS)

.

- Yeah, but it ended in .

- You know, Joe, we're in the middle of something right now.

Namely, me becoming the baron of car trivia.

Okay?

Somebody give me a question.

I could be the car trivia baroness.

Baroness is a woman.

This...

And come on, Joe.

This is just a game Chuck and I are playing right now, okay?

Oh, right.

'Cause you guys are friends.

And once again, Little Joey's stuck outside with his nose pressed against the glass.

"L-Little... Little Joey"?

(CHUCKLES): Hey, Joe, you're our friend.

Tell you what.

If you want to be a part of this, how about you come up with the trivia questions next time to ask us.

Okay, you're gonna make me the stupid host.

He's just a boring guy that gets to introduce the interesting guests.

Kind of a job you were made for, Joe.

Y-You're looking at this the wrong way.

It's your show.

You have the power.

- That's right.

- JOE: Huh.

You can ask us any question you want.

- We got to answer it.

- Oh.

Well, if that's the case, I'll do it.

- Okay.

- Hey, here's a preview question.

Uh, do I get a band?

No.

You asked.

I had to answer.

JEN: Come on, punk, work!

Don't you want to eat lightning and crap thunder?

I thought I was doing pretty good.

Oh, you are.

But I just watched Rocky, and his coach was very mean.

Although, I read that the actor,

- Burgess Meredith, was a lovely man.

- Aw.

- Oh, Mom, you are crushing it.

- Yeah.

Yeah, Mom.

That sports bra is really earning its keep.

(ALL LAUGH)

Ooh, and the baby monitor is quiet.

Oh, our girls must be out.

They hit the wall after Vanessa took them running in the tandem stroller.

Yep.

Not to brag, but uphill.

JEN: Mm-hmm.

And that was after a four-mile swim

- at : this morning.

- (GRUNTS)

There you go.

You know, there was a thin layer of ice on the surface, but I just plowed through.

(CHUCKLES)

No biggie.

- (CHUCKLES)

- My God, you are incredible.

You have more energy than we do.

Yeah, you're like super Grandma.

- Yeah!

Vanessa!

- (WHOOPS)

- (ALL CHANTING): Vanessa!

Vanessa!

Vanessa!

- Oh, yeah!

Vanessa?

Vanessa?

Vanessa?

What?

Crap thunder?

- I just got home.

- (GROANS)

Were you asleep this whole time?

I don't know.

(GASPS)

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, God.

I missed my training group.

Well, it's okay.

I-I can watch the girls

- if you want to go catch up with your group.

- No.

No, no, I blew it.

This is the one where they teach all the best training methods to women over...

the moon to run.

- Sorry, Vanessa.

- EVELYN: Grandma,

- where are you?

Grandma!

- Oh.

I already feel bad enough.

Get off my back.

Grandma?

Well, thank you for grabbing these.

Changes the whole vibe in here.

Yeah.

Well, we'll start with the sconces, and then we'll get to everything else later.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Oh, Jen!

Ooh, ooh, hit the lights.

Let's see what these babies can do.

Hands are a little full.

Oh, let me help you.

Oh.

That is so sweet.

Got us a housewarming gift.

No.

It's some toys for the girls.

Oh.

Still very sweet.

Not sure about the attitude.

Wait, th-these are the girls' toys that we keep at Mom's since they're over so much.

So, so much.

Vanessa won't tell you this, so I will.

You're exploiting your mother.

She's not your nanny.

Tiny girl, big attitude.

But Mom loves watching the girls.

She's always so happy when we pick them up.

Of course she's happy when you pick them up.

You're picking them up.

Wait, hold on.

Last week, Sarah was only over there Monday and Thursday.

Yeah, and Evelyn was only there Tuesday and Wednesday and Fri...

Okay, yeah, now I hear it.

She has no time for herself.

She missed her triathlon training group because she was so exhausted from watching the girls.

I'm talking drool-on-the-couch exhausted.

Well, why didn't she just say something?

She's too loving.

There's an ancient Chinese tale about a tree that gives its branches and apples and even its very trunk to the child it loves.

Eventually, there's nothing left but a stump.

Um, that's not an ancient Chinese tale.

That's The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.

I don't want to chop down Vanessa.

Me, either.

Thanks, guys.

I'll see you.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Bye.

I feel terrible.

Are you okay?

(VOICE BREAKING): He loves the tree.

He just doesn't know how to love it.

God, being alive is so hard.

JOE: All right,

- who wants to read my intro?

- Not it.

"Welcome to Car Sharks.

Now here's your host, Joe Leonard".

Thank you, Johnny!

All right, here we go.

Ring in when you have the answer.

The correct answer is worth ten points.

In the movie Back to the Future...

Uh, it's a DeLorean DMC- .

- Mm-hmm.

- That is the correct answer.

For ten points, the split rear window on this coupe...

- ' Stingray.

- That's correct.

Man, give us a hard one.

These are too easy.

The first model to feature a seven-slot grill...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

CJ.

It's a Willys Jeep, my friend.

(CHUCKLING)

All right, it's time for round two.

For points, what was Joe's mom's name?

- What?

- Oh...

I'm looking for Joe's mom's name.

Oh, man, I know this.

It's something old-timey, like, um, like Thelma or Louise.

(IMITATES BUZZER)

Grace... her name was Grace.

I've said it a million times.

Grace, damn it!

Give us another one.

I don't want another one.

You have to answer any question I ask.

- You have to answer.

- You did say that.

We're playing a car trivia game.

I thought we'd have questions about cars.

Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

'Cause you know everything about cars, but nothing about your friend Joe.

Hey, hey, hey, come on, Baxter.

- Rules are rules.

- Oh, okay.

- Next question.

- (CLEARS THROAT)

In , Joe got his first cat, Nigel Tickletail.

What breed was Nigel?

Listen, if we're not gonna talk about cars, I got other stuff I could be doing.

So do I, but thanks for playing Car Sharks, okay?

The show that shows you who your friends really are.

Good night!

You know, if I had said yes to a band, it could have played him off right now.

(IMITATING FANFARE)

Ooh, pancakes.

Next time I'll show you how to make them into fun little shapes.

These are shapes.

This one's the Earth, this one's Mars.

Really?

The diameter of Mars is about half that of Earth's.

Well, the surface of Mars wouldn't absorb any syrup.

- You want accuracy or deliciousness?

- Oh...

okay.

Ooh, good morning.

Hey, good morning.

We're just sitting down to breakfast.

You guys want to join?

Yeah, I have enough batter for two and a half Neptunes or one Saturn.

We forget how fun breakfast is over here.

We're just, we're on our way to work.

We just wanted to stop by and give you this gift basket

- as a thank-you.

- Uh, for what?

And where are those other two little adorable gifts you guys usually bring?

Oh, uh, Mandy and Ryan are dropping them off at day care.

We decided it was time to let you off the hook with being a nanny and let you get back to being a granny.

Uh, but, you know, I don't mind taking care of the girls, I...

We found a great place.

It's got a playground.

It's great.

Yeah, and-and the slide, the jungle gym and that whirly thing can all handle a fully grown adult.

- Hmm.

- I checked.

Hmm.

Uh, okay, well, uh, thank you.

Oh!

This has a hot bath soak with, uh, with trace minerals.

Most of those are just for show.

The Epsom salt does all the heavy lifting.

What we're showing you is that we appreciate you, Mom.

- Well...

- That's right.

Now go soak those tired old bones in those useless minerals.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

What the actual hell was that?

What?

It's a good thing.

Isn't it?

Where did they get the idea that I'm not up to watching the girl...

You know what, I'm gonna k*ll Mike.

I am gonna k*ll him.

Wait.

It was me.

I-I was the one who told them you needed more time for you.

You did what?

Yeah!

Because you're too selfless.

I told them you were like that Giving Tree.

No.

(SIGHS)

I am not a stump!

I'm-I'm a big strong...

tree!

I'm sorry.

I was just trying to help.

I was doing fine until everyone decided that I need help.

So, you know what, from now on, just, please, mind your own business.

You know what, I'm-I'm taking these salts.

I need a bath.

- (KNOCKING)

- Yeah.

Oh.

Hey, Ed.

- Uh, have you seen Kris?

- Yeah.

She and I are gonna have lunch.

She'll be up here in a few minutes.

You care to sit down?

Why?

Because I'm so old?

Oh.

And I thought the minefields in Normandy were scary.

(CHUCKLES): Ooh.

I'm sorry.

E-Everyone is just so focused

- on my age recently.

- Ah.

I mean, Kris thinks I need a break

- from taking care of my granddaughters.

- Hmm.

I see.

All right, well...

Well, do you?

No.

I-I didn't have any trouble

- when I was taking care of Boyd when he was little.

- Mm.

How old is Boyd now?

- That's not important.

- Uh...

(CHUCKLES): I think it is.

You were like a second mother to him.

Can you imagine having a kid now?

- Ugh.

God forbid.

- (CHUCKLES)

Also, Mike had a vasectomy, so...

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I mean, crawling around on the floor,

- chasing after them, picking up.

- Mm.

I don't know about you, but I'd be falling asleep in the middle of the day.

That-that would be embarrassing.

You're at a different stage now.

Just embrace it.

(SIGHS)

What does that even mean?

What?

What, am I supposed to go out and buy hard candies and-and take up knitting?

Come on.

I-I'm not ready to be put out to pasture.

Oh.

I understand.

Inside, I feel like I'm or .

And every time I look in the mirror, I'm shocked to see my Uncle Ernesto.

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

Well, I hope I never see my Aunt Florence.

(ED CHUCKLES)

Come on, now.

Life is changing, whether you like it or not.

My suggestion: like it.

Well, that is easy to say, Ed.

No, it's a good thing to do though.

Mark Twain said, "Age is an issue of mind over matter.

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter".

All right.

I like that.

- I'll remember it.

- Yeah, but write it down, because memory's the first thing to go.

Listen, I was gonna have this bear claw, but it's the last one.

It's your favorite.

You want that?

Wrong.

You know nothing of me.

Are we still talking about this?

Yeah, 'cause I'm the kind of guy, when I get deeply wounded, it takes me a long time to get over it.

But, uh, why would I expect you to know that?

Listen, you don't know anything about me.

What-What's my mother's name?

Jean.

She was a schoolteacher.

Once bowled a .

Okay, this is just weird.

No, I'm just a good friend.

Well, then how come my skin is crawling?

This isn't what I'd call friendship.

So how does the great Mike Baxter define friendship?

Mm.

Somebody who doesn't make me jump through hoops.

Maybe accepts me the way I am.

Sarcastic, distant, doesn't give a damn?

Nailed it.

So you're like a cat.

Sure, but I'm not gonna rub against your leg.

Yeah, like a cat.

I mean, your cats like you, right?

Yeah, of course.

All right.

But sometimes they walk up to you, look at you, you say hi and they just ignore you.

Well, duh, they're cats.

So am I.

You know, you're right.

You know, I remember one time Nigel Tickletail, you know, we would get...

Not-not funny, Baxter!

And stay off the furniture!

Oh, good.

You're home.

Don't worry.

I'll leave you alone.

Also known as "minding my own beeswax".

No, Jen.

Please, just...

Come-come sit down.

Um...

This is for you.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Wow.

A bag of dirt?

Well, it's soil.

Um...

You know, I read on the Internet there's this ancient Chinese custom where you give soil to someone you've wronged.

You know, so for-forgiveness can grow.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I think that's an ancient Chinese joke.

Besides, I'm the one at fault.

I overstepped.

(STAMMERS)

Sit.

Look...

You were only doing what everyone else in this family does.

When someone has a problem, we all come together and-and we help each other out.

What are you saying?

Sorry to tell you this, Jen, but you are a Baxter.

(CHUCKLES)

Look, I-I was lashing out at you because I wasn't being honest with myself.

The truth is, I'm turning f...

.

(EXHALES, SCOFFS)

I'm turning ?

Yeah, I'm-I'm turning .

Really?

The way you were freaking out, I thought you were way older than that.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

No, you know what, it was silly of me not to own it.

I was so focused on what I was losing that I kind of lost sight of what I was gaining.

Mm.

You know, it's true what they say...

people do get wiser as they get ol...

- Uh-oh.

- No, no, no.

It's okay.

Go.

You say it.

Say it.

... der.

Yes.

I am older.

But, you know, in a lot of ways...

(EXHALES)

- I like myself even better.

- Hmm.

In fact, I think I'm gonna go for a training run.

- You want to join me?

- Yeah, of course.

I'm a Baxter.

I'm a Baxter?

- I'm a Baxter.

- Mm!

- You're a Baxter.

- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, talking about friendship.

It's a compound word made up of one of the most beautiful things humans have ever created.

And the other word is "friend".

Man, oh, man, ships are awesome, aren't they?

The Mayflower, Old Ironsides, and my favorite, the badass USS Missouri.

Friends?

Kind of funny, but there was a funnier show on on another network.

Sure, I know we're living in the golden age of bromance.

Men can't stop hugging each other, telling each other how they feel.

I'd say, "Oh, for crying out loud".

But is crying out loud something men can't wait to do with each other?

Listen, when we were kids, to communicate with each other was implied.

All you had to do was share a glance and be willing to ride our bikes off a roof and land in a pile of leaves.

Or just miss the pile of leaves.

The nod was good enough.

Just...

Huh?

We were pals.

Pals.

Nothing needed to be said for pals, except "Should we call an ambulance or just run away?"

When we were kids, being pals was enough.

But adults have to have friendships.

To make matters worse, we have to talk about those friendships.

No, thanks.

Battleships?

I'll talk about them all day long.

Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)