03x03 - Daddy's Home

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Workin' Moms..." - You should take her.

- What?!

I don't think I was supposed to be a mom.

He's a scumbag mind molester!

This is never going to trial.

There's a job at the university, and they need a therapist, and I'm applying, so I can you know, get even.

- How much is school?

- It's 10k.

10k.

I think we need to go to therapy.

We have to figure out how to parent together, right?

Oh, there she is.

Oh my God!

Wha...

Oh God.

Hey.

Hey, you've gotta wake up.

- Hey!

- Five more minutes.

No more minutes, dude, you gotta go.

- Oh man, I fell asleep.

- Mhmm.

I so wanted you to experience all the "Fast and Furiouses".

We can watch them next time, right?

Y-yeah, next time for sure, come on, let's go.

Get out before my kids wake up.

I mean it, come on.

You know, I could help.

Kids like me, they think I'm one of them.

Yeah?

That's sweet, but I don't introduce guys I date to my kids.

Not that I date a lot of guys.

And not that we're dating, just...

your deal is supposed to be to come over at 11, and you're gone by...

Hello?

They're huge.

Oh yeah, that's Ella's breakfast right there, they're pretty full.

Mm, go ahead.

Uh...

- are you...

- That kinda made me hard.

- I want more.

- What?!

No!

Come on, give me a sip, it's hot.

It's so hot.

You are not going to be breastfed by me.

Yes, I will.

Thanks for showing up.

This wasn't exactly Convenient, okay?

Maybe-maybe next time you could just handle this yourself.

It's couple's therapy.

Both of us being here is kinda the key thing, so...

Yeah well, we're both here because of you.

- Right.

- So...

Thank you for being here.

And thank you for letting me see Ella.

- She's absolutely perfect.

- I know.

How's breastfeeding going, by the way?

Does she get enough?

What?

Why would you ask that?

Why wouldn't she be getting enough?

She's getting so much, she's getting all of it, no one else is.

Are you breastfeeding somebody else?

No!

Why would I-who would possibly get turned on by the...

- Turned on?

- No!

Ugh!

I'm with you, I don't find it arousing.

Are you seeing somebody else?

No.

Are you?

- No.

- All right.

Then stop asking so many questions and just like, chill out, you know, just...

- take it down a notch.

- Gee, I just...

Look, I'm happy you wanna be more involved with the kids.

'Cause we are in this co-parenting thing together.

But let's just focus on the kids, okay?

I agree.

In fact, I was hoping to ask you if I could take them tonight.

Tonight?

Oh, uh, yeah.

I actually could really use the break.

- Thanks.

- Great.

Great.

This is not a junkyard, it's a garage.

You know?

Is that from something?

"The Fast and Furious".

Six.

- Or is it Nine?

- "Tokyo Drift".

Oh, shut up, Carl!

Outside of being a psychiatrist, I have firsthand experience with what's happened at the school.

I have the potential to be very effective with these students.

I know, but the last thing I need is a therapist who's still going through her own trauma.

My trauma's an asset to you.

- Or a liability.

- I'm fine!

Look, you will not find someone more motivated than me for this position, I can promise you that.

Do you know what you're getting into with these kids?

I do, yeah.

Okay...

let's try this.

Thank you, you won't be disappointed.

I hope not.

Well, your business is important to us, so let me just ask.

Wait.

I gotta call you back.

You're so sweet!

- Thank you.

- Hi!

Look at his hair!

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Aw, he's such a good boy!

- Ahem!

- Hey, loser!

Gena, I heard you were coming back to work, but I...

Wow, are you pregnant again?

Five months, and Luca just turned one.

Okay, get back to work.

It was good to see you guys.

Say buh-bye.

But honestly, bring it on, bitch!

I love being a mom.

Yeah, it's so great.

I'm sorry for getting on your case before.

- Um...

- About not having fun.

I get it now.

Having a family is so much more fulfilling than going to some stupid club.

- Mhmm...

- So how's Zoe?

- She must be so big now.

- She is.

Yeah?

You got pics?

Yeah, sure..

Oh, isn't she like, one there?

No, no, she just looks young.

Yeah, just Asian genes.

Oh, well, I'd love to see her.

Yeah, me too.

What?

I would love for you to see her.

Hey, I'm in this moms group, and tonight we're letting the babies try lemons for the first time, yes!

They don't know what sour tastes like.

It's gonna be fun.

You should come, bring Zoe.

Yeah, um...

I'm there!

Great!

Oh, morning guys, what up?

What's the hot goss?

Uh oh, bad goss?

You haven't paid anyone yet.

We thought we were gonna get our cheques yesterday, - and we didn't, again.

- We do have cash coming in, it just might take a little bit longer...

uh, to get the invoices issued.

We can't afford to keep working for nothing, Kate.

I hear you.

I do, okay?

And you will get paid by the end of the week.

- Really?

How?

- Yeah.

Um, I haven't 100% figured that out yet, but I will.

And it's gonna be raining cash up here.

Oh, come in.

Nick, thank you so much for coming in on such short notice.

Oh, well, I was happy to get your call.

This rhino love-fest is getting outta hand.

Last night, a bunch of protesters att*cked my store.

They covered the windows in red paint.

And they defaced the "Midsummer Madness Sale" banners to read, "m*rder Madness Satan." You gotta help me out.

Uh, I certainly can, however in return, I am gonna require my fee paid up front.

- Sure, whatever.

- Great.

I need to people to know that Nick Peterson is a good guy.

- All right.

- People like me.

- My customers like me.

- Okay.

I got you a peach muffin.

Uh, thank you.

Okay.

So...

here's what I propose we do.

Is this gonna take a long time to explain?

Because I'm parked in a handicapped spot.

Oh, uh, no.

Um, basically, I'm gonna set up a press conference, you'll talk to the media, we'll offer them an olive branch.

What kind of olive branch?

The money kind.

Stick to the talking points we went over, take your time, you're gonna be fine.

Kate, if this works, I'm gonna give you our employee discount for life.

That is very kind, but the amount we agreed on is fine.

Oh, let's keep those finger g*ns in their holsters, okay?

Okay.

- Kate, hi!

- Oh my God!

Dana, River's mom from nursery school, hi.

Of course!

I never forget the cool moms, how are you?

I didn't know that you were in journalism.

Oh I'm not, I'm actually in um, PR.

Really?

For Peterson?

Uh...

y-yeah.

It's sort of a last minute impartial kinda thing-ama-jing.

- Uh, ladies and gentlemen.

- Yeah, yeah, get up there.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen!

Guess what?

I sh*t a rhinoceros.

Oh God.

I stalked the beast for three days, through unforgiving terrain, and scorching heat.

In a nutshell, it was...

the greatest experience of my life!

Ahem!

Okay.

I am not a monster.

And to prove it...

Say it.

I am donating ten percent of last year's...

sales revenue to the United Rhino Fund.

- There you go.

All right.

- Thanks so much, thank you.

Oh my God.

You're late.

I got the goods.

Oh.

Guess you don't want these.

- Unless you do?

- Dammit, Juniper!

I am serious!

You're asking me for a lot of money.

What is this?

It's a total mess!

Is this the seventh grade?!

Oh, that's my book report on "Huck Finn".

It's a title page, and a zero.

Yeah, I didn't read the book.

This is not great reassurance.

I'm sorry, okay, I went to university for two years, there's good stuff in here.

You know, plus I had to keep my grades up - to stay on the swim team.

- Prove it.

I want report cards.

I want tuition breakdowns.

A price list of all your materials, as well as all the classes you're taking, or I'm not loaning you a dime.

Organize this.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you both for hanging in there with me, I really appreciate it.

Oh, while you're headed to the fridge, any chance you could put my...

Ah, Rosie.

Yes.

Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.

Milady, thank you very much.

And actually, while you're headed out, do you mind putting this in the...

What?!

What are you...

what are you doing?!

I don't want your rhino blood money!

- That guy is evil!

- No!

I had him make a very serious donation...

He trophy-hunted an endangered species!

Outside of that, though, he's really quite nice.

- Yo, check it!

- Oh God!

Nick Peterson sent this over.

I'm in hell.

This is hell!

- I quit.

I quit!

- No, Rosie, no!

I quit!

I quit!

Quit!

Rosie, please!

Oh my God.

You know, I think she'll be back.

It's all there.

I divided it up into sections.

You've got transcripts, report cards, course lists, and the actual student loan application.

So that you're not frontin' 'til you're dead.

Oh, you got a nice string of B's here in math.

Mathlete in Grade Twelve.

Vice President of the Student Council?

I added like, three soda machines to the cafet-teria.

Well, that's not the most healthy choice.

Come on, man, this is important to me.

I need to finish this year so I can graduate, and get my Bachelor's.

- You're taking business?

- Yeah.

I wanna like be able to be my own boss, and sh*t.

Run sh*t.

Like you.

I can do this.

I will do this.

My future's in your hands.

Okay.

I had Rocky, my lawyer, go over this very temporary loan agreement.

Whoa.

Hey, um...

you know, don't worry, because I got a waitressing job, so I'm gonna be able to pay you back really soon.

Just pay me back when your loan comes in.

Thank you.

I got your text.

You are not taking our daughter to a lemon party.

That's disgusting.

What?

Why?

It's just a bunch of babies tasting lemons, and we record them.

That's not what it said "lemon party" means online.

I have to clear my browser history.

Why is taking her to this lemon thing such a big deal suddenly?

I don't know.

Because I wanna reconnect maybe?

You have to pardon the suspicion.

You've been basically MIA for months.

Yes!

I have been a terrible mom.

But I wanna be better, and that's the point.

Is there going to be dr*gs or booze there?

dr*gs?

Seriously, Ian.

You have to feed her dinner.

I want her home by 8:30, and I want Gena's phone number, and an address of where you're going.

- What?!

- Those are my terms.

Fine.

- Dr. Carlson?

- Hmm?

Are you available now?

We have a drop-in by the name of Sandy.

Yes, absolutely.

Send her in.

Ahem...

Sandy.

Yeah, uh, hi.

I didn't realize that you were a...

Well, it's a guy's name, too.

Hmm.

Yeah, of course, come on in!

So what's been bothering you?

Uh...

well, I tried this dating app.

And it was freaky for me, I mean, the, the things that were coming out of these girls' mouths...

- Women.

- Sorry?

The mouths that you're referring to, they belong to women.

Girls are children.

Are you interested in...

dating a child?

No!

Um...

like these, these women are f*ckin' making fun of me online.

Like I can't even get a date.

And you think that you're entitled to one?

I mean, maybe, but I just...

I just want a chance, you know, like, but I don't think...

I-I don't the right things to say to get...

To get what?

To get them to have sex with you?

You're f*ckin'...

you're-you're...

you're just like the rest of them.

"Them?!" Them?

- Hey, how was your day?

- Terrible.

Thanks.

Where's Jayme?

Upstairs, sleeping.

Hey, how would you like to sprout wings, and soar above the rooftops of gay Paris?

You're dying to tell me about those stupid goggles, just tell me.

These "stupid goggles" allow you to immerse yourself in a completely different universe.

I have been a majestic bird for the last hour.

You've gotta try this!

Not interested.

Okay, well, maybe are you interested as to why your husband made such a cool purchase on a weekday?

Why do you need me to be excited about this?

Well, um...

maybe because you're my wife, and as my wife, you might care what's going on in your husband's life.

What is it you need me to be excited about?

Your virtual reality?!

How about giving a sh*t about my new job?

You don't know what I'm talking about!

- Yes, I do!

- No, you don't!

- Yes, I do!

- No, you don't!

'Cause if you did you would've asked me about it, But you didn't, because you never listen to a word I say!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to migrate.

Lionel, you...

- You're late.

- Rehearsal ran long.

What's wrong with Dad?

He got a promotion.

He's in Paris.

He's being a bird, just let him enjoy it.

You know, I would've been on time if you'd let me - take the subway like every...

- Don't.

Stop!

You know how I feel about that.

Okay?

The subway is a...

Is an underground tin can full of perverts.

You have been listening.

Yes!

You're the one who never listens to me!

Oh my God, I know!

Okay?

I don't listen!

Argggghh!

Oh, look at that!

- Tamsin does not like the lemon!

- Oh!

Oh, she is so irritable these days.

Ah, she's probably teething.

Rub some vanilla extract on there, - it quiets them right down.

- Really?

Do you have any tips for terrible sleepers?

Oh, put the portable crib in front of the TV, If she doesn't fall asleep, at least she'll be distracted.

You're like a pro!

Dah.

Oh.

- Dirty.

- Oh!

Oh my God, Zoe, girl, why didn't you tell me?

Is she potty trained?

I thought so.

Oh, gosh.

sh*t.

You don't know if she's potty trained?

Oh gosh, this is so embarrassing.

She just spends so much time with her Dad.

Hey, here, let me grab a towel.

Bad divorce, or?

Um, something like that.

He's just a lot.

Oh, thank you. What do you mean, "a lot?" He made me give Gena's address and phone number to him before he'd let us come here.

Let you?!

No, that's awful.

He sounds controlling.

Is he?

- He is.

- Really?

That doesn't really sound like Ian.

Well, I guess you don't know him like I do.

Wait, he's not violent, is he?

He has like, rage issues.

Rage issues?

Oh my God!

I had no idea.

Are you okay?

Jesus Christ, wait, is he a YouTube star?

Well, well, an angel at my doorstep.

I gotta say, real nice place you got here.

Oh my God, this is your parents' house!

- Whoa, whoa, where you going?

- This is your parents' house!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey!

Well, it's kinda my house too.

Because you're the son of your parents!

Dude, why didn't you say you live with your Mom and Dad?

Well, it doesn't sound super cool, okay?

And it's only temporary, and they're not here.

They're visiting my Great-Aunt in Michigan all week.

Sex with you and me is like, inappropriate on the best of days, but in Richard's house?

I can't!

Kate, please!

Okay, I get why this is weird.

When we're at your place we have to hide from the kids, and then when we're at work we have to hide from everyone there.

There's nobody here but us.

I just feel like I've screwed up enough today.

Screwed up?

You took a rhino k*ller's money and you gave it to the less fortunate.

You're basically a sexy Robin Hood.

Let me be your Maid Marion.

Oh, just b*at it for a minute, for a sec!

Come on, just a taste, please?

Come on, no!

Can you just be normal?!

You know it's not just for babies?

Like, bodybuilders chug it, five bucks an ounce.

There's no way that's true.

Oh no, I've been looking it up online, and I think I know a way to make it hot for you.

- No.

- Gimme five seconds, okay?

If you hate it, I'll never ask again.

You have one second.

Okay!

Easy.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ah!

Aaah!

Hello?

- Is that your Dad?

- Yeah.

- Forrest, you home?

- Oh my God!

Forrest?

Forrest!

Hey!

You're home!

Why didn't you answer?

Uh, I was, I was sleeping.

I'm-I'm-I'm sick.

Is that milk on your upper lip?

I thought you were in Michigan 'til Friday, Dad.

I called your Aunt Ida's bluff.

Deathbed, my ass.

God, it stinks in here.

Oh yeah, don't go...

Dad?

Uh...

Hey, the van Houtens have finished their swimming pool, huh?

- Dad?

Uh...

- Have you seen this?

You know, I've always wondered if...

Oh my God!

- Oh my God!

- Oh my God!

Oh my God, Richard, I'm so sorry!

Kate, what the hell?!

Oh my God!

This is not what it looks like.

- Dad, it's okay, I love her.

- What?!

- Wait, what?

- I love you.

Oh my God!

Isn't this awesome?

Like, we can be together, now.

On the next "Workin' Moms..." Do you want your needle in the gut...

ssssshpt!

Or the butt?

- Oh, you wouldn't.

- I'm goin' butt!

Okay, what do you say?

Stop, or my Dad'll b*at you off!

Up.

My Dad will b*at you up.

But still...

no.

- There he is!

- Hi!

- Kate.

- Oh, you two know each other?