05x05 - Mother Knows Breast

[bunniefuu]

(DOORBELL RINGS)

LIONEL: Oh, that's the doorbell, Daddy's gotta go.

- Let go, Jayme, please!

Oh!

- (GLASS SHATTERS)

Let me go!

Oh!

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

Uh...

hello?

You must be the Mr. Carlson.

Uh, I'm Bennett.

Bennett!

Bennett, yes!

Yes, I've heard so much about you, big fan!

Huge-huge fan, actually.

I'm so sorry, I'm a bit of a mess right now.

No!

I don't see a mess.

I just see a man trying to provide for his family.

Oh wow.

Thank you.

And might I say, what a pleasure it has been getting to know your daughter, sir.

You have done a great job raising her.

Oh God.

I-I'm so happy to hear someone say that, because you just try so hard, and you're just never sure if you're making

- the right moves as a parent...

- Don't be weird, Dad.

Okay, there she is.

I'm not being weird!

I'm not weird.

- Am I, guys?

- It was good to meet you.

- Did you bring the stuff?

- You know it.

What are you doing to me, Alice Carlson?

Okay, be good, you two!

♪ From a distance ♪

♪ The Earth looks blue and green ♪

♪ And the snow-capped mountains white ♪

♪ ♪ God is watching us ♪

♪ God is watching us ♪

♪ God is watching us ♪

♪ He is watching us ♪

♪ He is watching us ♪

♪ He is watching us ♪

♪ From a distance ♪

♪ ♪ He is watching us ♪

♪ From a distance ♪

♪ I guess I just don't understand the nature of your question.

Hmm, weird, it made perfect sense to me, but I'm happy to rephrase using smaller words.

KATE: Remember our agreement, Alicia, Anne does your podcast, as long as you treat her as you would any other guest on your show.

Well, maybe if she stopped looking at me with that tone of voice!

We both know that's just Anne's face.

- What?

- Anne.

Fine.

Go ahead, Alicia.

All right.

Ahem!

I was asking you, Anne, whether there's any real difference between "hands-off parenting," and, hm, I don't know, deadbeat parenting?

Okay.

Fair question.

Anne?

Well, Alicia, "hands-off parenting" is respecting your kids enough to let them learn from their own mistakes.

Which you'd know, if you actually read the book.

Okay, easy.

Interesting.

Speaking of making mistakes, wasn't it you who said, and I quote, "kids who can't eat nuts should shut the...

bleep up about it?"

- I would never say "bleep."

- You know what I mean.

I don't know, I don't remember.

What I do recall is after you endlessly talking about your daughter's nut allergy, you fed her a ball filled with nuts.

"Crazy balls," was it?

She couldn't even breathe.

So maybe...

Anne.

...you should shut the bleep up about my parenting book!

I thought I lost her.

And we're very sorry about that.

Alicia!

Alicia!

Oh, f*ck me.

How do you want your eggs?

Soft or hard?

You know I like everything hard.

(LAUGHS)

Seriously, though.

Soft actually.

Almost raw.

Oh, okay.

I hope the house doesn't feel too quiet for you.

With the boys gone, and all.

Are you kidding?

This is the first day of the rest of our lives.

(LAUGHS)

JOSEPH: No!

Jacob!

What are you doing?

- That's the butthole hose!

- Not anymore!

Oh God, they've gone feral.

The drinking hose is in the back, butthole in the front!

- It's easy!

- It's so far!

Try walking back there

- with a dirty butt!

Good luck!

- Um...

maybe you should check-in with Anne again.

This can't be what she meant by "set them free."

No.

- Oh, I blew it.

- I mean, you didn't nail it.

I shouldn't have brought up that thing about her almost

- k*lling her kid.

- No, you shouldn't have.

Does anyone even listen to "Mother Knows Breast?"

She's got a couple hundred listeners, it's basically a Clay Aiken concert.

This was just meant to be a trial run.

- Okay?

No harm, no foul.

- Mm-hmm.

I'm just gonna put this out there, I do need a couple days to set up your next few appearances.

You can totally chill at my house.

Or, and this is a big or...

you could go see your family.

Uh huh, uh huh.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And then when you get back, the next one'll be a cinch.

I mean, no one's gonna trigger you like Alicia.

This is the kind of woman who journals about her kid's bowel movements.

(CHUCKLES)

How many times do I have to kick you guys out?!

- I didn't mean that.

- Leave!

This has been great.

- Poo journals!

- (LAUGHS)

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Ah.

Hey, Sloane!

You calling about Anne's podcast?

It went okay, no headlines.

Well, maybe one headline.

Super.

Listen, Kristen's coming in today, I'm getting her moving on Rat Girl for the next "Penny Pest Control" book.

Oh!

Okay, Rat Girl.

But um...

but not Rat Girl, right?

Uh, that was just a dumb placeholder, a silly idea I had on-on the spot, so the kids wouldn't revolt at the reading.

I'm sure Kristen would wanna come up with her own concept.

Are you kidding?

Those kids were drooling at that filthy little creature.

Really?

Uh, this feels like it doesn't even make sense, you know, like, a rat and a girl fused together, that's impossible.

Yeah, well, kids' stories aren't supposed to make sense.

Explain that pig family with English accents.

Or that g*dd*mn "Paw Patrol," dogs with jobs, ridiculous.

Rat Girl is gold.

Don't overthink it.

- It's just...

hello?

- (CELL BEEPS OFF)

Okay.

Okay!

- So hey, how ya doin', Frank?

- Actually, great!

I'm a CEO, can you believe it?

Oh.

Uh...

I know!

I'm training a team today.

- That's great.

- Well, it is a small team, and they are shadow people, but I'm pretty sure I can make 'em shine.

- Ah.

Hmm!

- So, what's up?

Right, um...

you know those Rat Girl drawings that Rhoda did?

Aren't they amazing?

Mm-hmm, absolutely, they are.

They are.

Um, but they're just like, silly little drawings, right?

Oh, I don't know if I'd call them silly.

There's some serious artistry there.

Mm-hmm, no, for sure.

They are.

But, but it's not like it's her...

(CHUCKLE)

intellectual property, right?

I don't know.

She's been on a real roll lately.

Check it out!

(PROUD EXHALE)

Would you believe all these pictures tell a story?

A pretty compelling one, too.

You know, I'm starting to think we gotta double down on this.

Make it into a book, or get it published, or something, I don't know.

♪ Oh yeah...

SLOANE: This is Sloane, please leave a message.

(BEEP)



Sloane!

Uh, I've got some great ideas for "Penny Pest Control" that are way better for the demographic, so just wait for me, okay?

I'm coming to the meeting with Kristen.

- Okay?

So wait for me.

- (INCOMING MESSAGE CHIMES)

- What the f*ck?!

♪

- Mom?!

- Oh!

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

I'm so proud of you, Dad.

And I'm finally getting a sister!

- Yeah.

Keep it together, son.

- Mm-hmm!

(SNIFFLING)

- You can't be serious.

- I am serious.

And if you must know, Barry and I are trying.

- Trying what?

- To conceive, of course.

You can't conceive, Mom, you're too old!

I said we're trying, not succeeding.

Trying is so much more fun!

Ha!

Jesus, Mom!

Anyway, your father didn't leave us much money, and frankly, this youthful glow does not pay for itself.

The coffers are empty, Sweetie.

So either I am Barry's problem...

- Stop doing that!

- or I'm yours.

♪ Let's get this wedding started, shall we?

Whoa.

Cool.

- You wanna try?

- Do you want dinner?!

Thank you for coming.

As you can see, your "set them free" advice didn't really work.

Well, I, I didn't tell you to kick them out, I, you know, haven't you ever heard, "teach a man to fish?"

Why would I teach a man to fish?

It means give them tools.

Well, why didn't you say that?

(BOYS SCREAM AND GRUNT)

Argh!

Have you tried talking to them?

They won't talk to me.

But maybe they'd talk...

- to you?

- Hmm?

Aren't the mentally deranged kinda your thing?

Yeah... they sure are.

♪ All right, boys.

Can we talk about the shanty town?

What's going on out there?

Nothing to say?

That's okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You know, when I was a kid, my Dad left, too.

I woke up one morning and it was just my Mom and me, and I had to grow up fast.

And I was angry.

And that anger was really useful, until it wasn't.

And I had to see a lot of therapists.

So how about I just spare you the time and money, and tell you what I wish someone would've told me back then...

You're only given so many opportunities to define who you are, and this...

feels like one of them.

What?

(SIGHS)

Your Dad left and now you're both assholes.

- Ohhhh!

- Totally.

- Totally.

Yeah.

- But you don't have to be.

You can decide what kind of men you want to be.

And you don't have to do it on your own.

You could think of somebody you admire, and ask them for guidance.

That's-that's really powerful.

That hit me.

♪

- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

- Ah!

Now, you may not know it by looking around, but there is a story inside these walls, and it's our job to tell it.

To bring these walls to life!

Here, take this sink, for example.

What does it say to you?

- "Hello." - No.

BRODY: Well, to me it says that the builders really cheaped-out on the g*dd*mn fixtures!

Fair.

Yep, fair.

And I love how expl*sive you are, Brody.

I would just like to channel it into something a little bit more positive.

It's true, that sink may not be top quality, but it's..

washing hands after cutting fresh flowers.

That dining room table is...

Sunday night spaghetti dinners.

These windows are portals to the world.

See what I'm gettin' at?

I don't-I don't think I can sell like that.

Oh, of course you can!

You all can.

It's inside you!

You just need to let it out!

Yes!

Coyne Realty, baby!

Let's go!

Ha ha!

(CLAPS HANDS)

Selling some units.

BRODY: Welcome to your new home, man!

What do you think?

This is the best part.

They're portals to the world.

They're beautiful!

These are solid now.

They're strong.

And we have...

cookies in the oven.

Mmmm!

- Oh God, sorry, it's hot.

- Oh!

You can almost picture living here, it's great.

(LOW HUM OF CHATTER)

_ Yes!

Look at this view!

Ah!

Isn't it beautiful?

And these windows are super strong.

Unh!

See what I mean?

(THUMPS)

Ah!

- Oh!

Like ghost.

- (LAUGHS)

Ah!

(GASPS)

_ I'm so fired up right now!

Woo!

It's um...

I'm telling you, it's impenetrable.

Look, just look.

Woo!

(SMASHING)

- Aaaaaaaaah!

- Aah!

Aah!

(SCREAMING, GASPS)

- (SCREAMS, SOBS)

- (CAR HONKING BELOW)

Oh!

(GASPS)

Oh.

(PATRONS CHATTER)

- (CELL PHONE BUZZES)

- Oh, f*ckin' yum!

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

This isn't another silent treatment call, is it?

No, this is a vocal call from your husband checking in about that return flight home.

Oh, uh, I um...

You did book a return flight home?

- I'm sorry.

- Anne!

I wanted to, I did!

Kate is working me like a dog.

I am slammed with appearances.

Like, every day for the next week.

It's basically like a full-time job.

Okay, yeah, speaking of full-time jobs, I stuck my neck out to get you yours here!

I know, and I'm sorry.

Yeah, I just, I have to do this dumb press tour.

- Lionel?

- I'm stewing.

And that, and that is totally fair.

But do you think that you can handle things on the home front?

Just a little bit longer?

- Yeah.

Fine.

- (PHONE BEEPS)

Hey, I gotta go, that's Alice's school.

Okay, I owe you so much.

Yeah.

Yeah, you do.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

(RELAXED EXHALE)

And as you can see, Alice and Bennett left quite a mark on Mr. Neidermeyer's classroom.

Alice, why?

It was to stop the spread of lies.

What?!

Global warming propaganda!

Hello!

I'm, I'm sorry, are you...

Is he actual...

Uh, am I the only one that just heard that?

This incident is obviously Alice's doing.

Not only is my son a straight-A student, he is the president of the Cochrane Conservative Committee.

Conservative Committee?

Are you suggesting that...

you don't believe in climate change?

Is that what you're saying?

Am I going crazy right now?

I don't know!

If I had a wife like yours, I'd certainly lose my mind.

Hey!

Watch your mouth, bracelets.

You know, the things that Bennett says actually make a lot of sense, Dad.

Do they?

Do the things he says make a lot of sense?

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm?

Like, what things?

Like the uh...

like the not believing in science stuff?!

Why are your eyes so wide?

Have you heard nothing about the bees, Alice?

- The bees!

- Needless to say, they are both suspended for two weeks.

(SIGHS)

I thought you were cool, man!

That was stupid, huh?

They're just so brainwashed.

Look, Alice...

- I like you a lot.

- I like you a lot, too.

But I don't like who I am with you.

- What?

- I don't know, I...

I guess I just prefer my women a little less complicated.

- (HORN HONKS)

- Alice, get in here, before that boy convinces you that the Earth is flat!

Well, actually, there's a lot of evidence to suggest...

Bennett!

Stop talking.

I should probably take this back.

Come on, Anne, where are you?

- ALICE: But wait...

- BENNETT: Just stop.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)



ANNE: You've reached Anne, leave a message.

♪ Ah!

The love making!

Oh my God, the love making.

This is it.

This is my Vietnam.

Oh, women of a certain age are no longer seen as sexual beings.

We're like neutered ghosts, just waiting for the sweet release of death.

Mm!

So I thank you, Barry, for challenging that norm.

You've stirred my heart, and my loins.

- Very cool, guys!

- Shut up, Adam!

- Jesus.

- (PHONE VIBRATES)

_ OFFICIANT: I now pronounce you husband and wife.

(GIGGLES)

- (GLASS SHATTERS)

- Mazel tov, guys!

Buh-bye!

- Bring it in, sis!

- Get away from me, man!

Oh!

Is she here?

Is Kristen here?!

- Long gone.

- Dammit.

It was a great meeting, though.

Yeah?

She was truly inspired by Rat Girl.

I bet she's already popped some melatonin,

- and brainstormed half the book.

- sh*t.

You were right about "Penny Pest Control." This franchise is gonna be huge.

Yeah, no, no, of course, yeah, yeah, with all the villains, endless possibilities.

I was thinking though that Rat Girl might be a little too scary for children, you know?

I mean, know Charlie would crap himself at the idea of a rat fused with a girl.

I mean, that is terrifying stuff.

But uh, a lizard lawyer, oh boy, that's a bad guy.

That's an exciting bad guy.

And there's lots of others, you know, like a...

possum politician, bad guy there, that's a bad guy, you don't wanna mess with him.

Bet he sways right.

(LAUGHS)

Right into a hole!

Where his lunch is.

- You done?

- Yeah.

For God's sake, take the yes.

I hope we don't have a problem here.

Because I've already spoken to the art department, and they're coming up with preliminary sketches

- of Rat Girl as we speak.

- Yeah, no, no problem.

- No problem.

- That's what I thought.

Thank you, thank you.

I will uh, speak soon.

Exiting, exciting.

Bed Bug Boy, not that sounds...

Take the yes, Kate!

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.



- So uh...

I know, I know.

- (SCREAMS)

Alright guys, go play, because Mommy's gonna need five minutes to herself, how's that sound?

- MAYA: Hey!

- Hey!

- Run!

Run!

Run!

Run!

Run!

- Hi, Axe.

MAYA: Have fun with Charlie!

He's been talking about this playdate all week.

Playdate.

Right.

You totally forgot, didn't you?

No, I did not forgot, I did not forgot.

Hey, you wanna get after some wine?

- Yes!

Yes!

- Yeah, let's pound some wine.

I gotta talk to you about something, come here.

(FOOTSTEPS THUD)

- Cheers!

- Ah, yes!

Mm!

Tell me.

As an artist, does anyone really own art?

- That's a loaded question.

- Okay.

You really want to get into this?

- Give me the Coles Notes.

- Give me the context?

Ah, let's say a kid draws something, and then like, a proper artist refines it.

Legally, who's the wiser?

Well, I think all art is borrowed.

We're just passing ideas back and forth.

- It's the execution that counts.

- Exactly!

Kids are idiots.

They can't execute a thing.

- Thank you.

- (LAUGHS)

Speaking of, where are our idiots?

Look like they're having a little penis party!

(LAUGHS)

He's obsessed!

No, Charlie's obsessed.

Always with the sword fights.

At least we're in this together.

Ah!

Axe's is different.

- Different?

Ohhh!

- Oh.

Okay, um, Charlie...

so you and Axe are not different.

- Yes, you are.

- Yes, you are, and it's fine.

- I'm just gonna take over.

- Appreciate it.

You're different, but not better.

We honour and respect the ways that we're different.

f*ck that was good, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

- Axe's has a hat.

- A hat?

Ohhh!

He means uncircumcised.

This one's all you.

- Yeah, we're in Jewish waters now.

- Hmm.

Okay, so Charlie, uh, Jewish boys don't have hats.

But don't be sad, uh...

it's because um, it's because...

you're one of the chosen people, huh?

- Chosen by God.

- Whoa!

Whoa!

Hey, you're chosen too, Axe.

Yours has "a hat" because we don't believe in genital mutilation.

Okay, ouch.

Whoa!

We honour and respect the ways in which we are different.

- Hmm.

- But, you know, no hat, easier to clean.

- Seriously?

- Well.

Do you wanna go inside

- and have more wine?

- Yes!

Pull your pants up when you're done!

(MAYA LAUGHS)

♪ This is legit, dude.

You think we skipped a couple steps here?

I know we agreed to do a couple smaller gigs first, but that was before I realized that Sloane had a contact here, and we could pull some strings.

So be a pro, and knock it out of the f*ckin' park!

- Jesus, dude, no pressure.

- Come on, you've got this.

It's gonna be a bunch of softball questions.

You see the host?

She's wearing a broach.

- Look at that thing!

- Yeah, it's a nice broach.

It's a hell of a broach, that's not the point.

You can do this, okay?

Just have fun, trust me.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

ALICIA: Sorry, where do I sit?

Oh!

Hi!

I watch this show every day, and now I'm a guest on it!

Can you believe it?

DIRECTOR: Okay, ten minutes, everyone!

- What the f*ck?

- Oh sh*t.

♪