08x06 - Friends With The Benedicts

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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08x06 - Friends With The Benedicts

Post by bunniefuu »

Jesus H Christ, it looks like you're infested too Wayne Newton.

Sorry little buddy.

Bubbles: You're gonna have to just hang in there until I can get back with the proper crab shampoo.

[Sound of a click as a barbecue lighter is lit]

You dirty little pinchy bastards.

Crabs are the dirtiest little crustaceous f*ckin' cock inhabitants on the face of the planet and there's no way I'm letting them get on my bird.

They latch right on to your package with their dirty little pinchy cock claws.

They start f*ckin' hatching eggs, it's terrifying!

Well I went online and I calculated I need about twenty-two bottles of crab shampoo to get rid of the infestation on my kitties, twenty-two f*cking bottles!

Do you know how embarrassing that's going to be to us for twenty-two bottles of crab shampoo?

I'll tell ya, VERY EMBARRASSING!!!!

Can I help you sir?

Yeah I notice you don't have the medicated shampoo on the shelves?

Dandruff shampoo's in aisle seven sir.

Oh it's not for dandruff.

Lice?

No it's more down ...this region.

Just a moment sir.

[Over loud speaker]

Tweece would you call please I have a customer with crabs and needs some "Crab Out".

Would you like the big bottle or the little sir?

Um twenty-two of the...

NEVERMIND!

♪♪ ♪♪

♪♪ ♪♪

Hey it smells like you fumigated the place Julie.

Yeah I did this morning so hopefully if all goes well I'll be reopened by the weekend.

That's the spirit Julian.

I knew a bunch of pesky little dirty old crabs couldn't defeat the mighty Julian.

So what's going on?

Well I thought I should swing by and let you know that Sam and Cyrus dropped my place and gave me twenty-two hundred dollars on the downpayment only one percent.

And you accepted it?

Yeah, I had to Julian they threatened me!

I guess they want to be my friend more than you?

They don't give a f*ck about you.

I wish we were friends, Julian.

We are!

I don't have twenty-two hundred bucks.

(Chuckling) It's just money Julian.

(Quietly) It's just money.

I'm a surprise kind of guy.

I like personal gifts.

Use your imagination, Julian.

I think a guy like you could think of something special that would appeal to old Jim Lahey.

something more say twenty-two hundred bucks.

I hope to see you later tonight bud.

[Crashes]

f*ck sakes.

I'll let myself out.

[Sounds of glasses being broken]

Ricky: Come on guys we're not going to win any f*cking games like this.

You gotta pass it harder, a little bit faster.

Lucy: Trin, let's go.

Trinity: What's wrong?

What kind of Father lets his daughter be around a crab infestation?

You might think that it's okay to bang whoever you want to and not give a sh*t about what you pick up but it's disgusting.

I had nothing to do with those crabs that was Julian's thing and I wasn't around any of those f*cking people.

Here if you don't believe me check me out, see any crabs down there?

So you're not banging anybody?

There's actually only one person in this world that I want to bang but unfortunately she's being banged by somebody else.

How is mall cock?

George works night and he works day and I'm left basically to entertain myself.

Hmm that sounds like fun.

Darren, [whistle]

what the hell are you guys doing, okay?

You don't do it you gotta try to tie up his jersey with one hand like this, hit him in the face a couple of times, okay?

After that try to pull a jersey right up over his head and feed him right in the f*cking head with upper cuts.

You don't take him to the ground that's what pussies do.

Try it again.

Okay George is working later so maybe I'll pop by.

Are you serious?

Yeah maybe.

Trinity: I'm going to stay for a bit, okay?

Lucy: Right.

See you later.

Ricky: I hope so.

They almost done in there?

Photographer: 'Kay, ready?

Action!

Come on down to Sunnyvale Trailer Park to the "Dirty Dancer" where the rock vodka's on tap and you can have these girls twerking on your lap, twenty-five dollar combo and all dancers are crab free guaranteed.

Photographer: Okay CUT!

um, T that was good but you guys it's an Internet commercial so I need you to like get your boobs out and make out or something.

Here I'll show you.

Julian: T...when do you think you can get this commercial online man?

We gotta f*ckin' open.

We can get it as soon as you want man but Mister Green just picked another crab off himself.

Are you f*cking kidding me.

Ah all right, we're not open inside obviously for f*ck SAKES!!!

T: Yo, you all right man?

Julian: Yeah I just got...I need help with somethin' but yeah I'll...

I'll figure it out, just keep doing what you're doing it's looking good man, all right?

Okay that is much better you guys.

Okay, Tyrone, get right in there.

You guys, get up on Tyrone.

Tyrone, get right under.

Don't be shy.

Perfect.

Try it again from the top.

[Electric buzzing sound]

Lahey: Randy I'm coming in.

You were shaving your ball sack, weren't ya?

Jim Lahey: You caught crabs at Julian the other night, didn't you Randy?

RANDY!!!

Stop acting like a pig!

[Belches several times]

You want the truth?

Yeah, I think I deserve it.

I told ya I've got needs and you haven't been able to fulfill them...

Randy...

...so I got really drunk and really horny and I had sex with a woman.

Was it really dirty and did I enjoy myself?

Yes!

Do I feel like sh*t right now?

Yes.

Am I going to get friggin' drunk?

BIG TIME!!!!

[Door Slams]

[Sounds of Liquor Being Drunk]

Trinity: Do you hate Jacob, Dad?

Ricky: No I don't hate him I mean...

first I didn't really know what to think 'cuz well he's kinda f*ckin' weird and he's got a brain like Trevor's and I was just worried my little girl's going to end up with a guy that would never be a man.

But then he went to jail and he didn't cry and it made me kinda think like f*ck, wow maybe this guy could be a man so, do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Yeah, thanks Dad.

I love you.

I love you too pumpkin.

[Door opens]

Trinity: Hey Julian.

Julian: Hey Trin.

Wow, this place is incredible man.

It's a good thing you're doing buddy.

Yeah it's going to be good for the kids and help keep me busy during my retirement.

Yeah retirement.

Don't you miss all the crazy sh*t we used to do?

Of course I do.

Good 'cuz I need you to do a job with me and the only person that can help me out.

I can't be doing jobs anymore.

I don't need to, 'm retired.

But this is an easy job!

All we gotta do is steal something worth around two grand to chill Lahey out.

I'm sorry man but I can't I'm going to be a f*ckin' Grandad now.

Do you want your Grandchild to grow up in Sunnyvale?

Of course I f*cking do.

Okay well if you don't help me out he's not going to be able to, and you think about that man.

Okay fine, I'll f*ckin' help you out but one condition...

What?

Me and you are going to get high as f*ck all day like we used to.

Not a f*ckin' problem.

All right, deal.

Got enough joints there buddy?

Gettin' there.

Julian: (inhaling) Holy sh*t this honey oil's insane man.

Ricky: (Slurring) No f*ckin' kidding it's like pure THC liquid from the f*ckin' heavens.

< Laughing > Ricky: It's the marshmelon man.

Bubbles: Ah yeah, laugh it up boys.

Laugh it up, must be nice to sit out here and not have to deal with g*dd*mn dirty cock crustaceans.

Ricky: Holy f*ck man, chill.

Here have a toke of this honey oil, it's f*cking awesome!

Julian: It's really good man.

Bubbles: So you three are just sitting out here gettin' baked are you?

Well guess what?

Julian: Guess what?

Bubbles: What?

Julian: No, what do you want us to guess?

Ricky: What?

Julian: (Chuckling) What happened there?

Bubbles: Holy f*ck you guys are baked.

This is guess what, somebody's got to drive me to the laundrymat to wash these dirty little fuckers off my sheets, now let's go.

Julian: Bubs we're way too busy today man.

Ricky: Yeah man way too f*ckin' high (chuckles).

Bubbles: Oh yeah?

How 'bout I dump the f*cking things...

Ricky: f*ck off!

Julian: Oh no, no, no f*ck off!

f*ck off Bubs!

Bubbles: Get the f*ck up.

Julian: Throw your dirty crab bag into Ricky's trunk.

Ricky: I'm not taking my f*ckin' car.

Julian: Rick, your car has three doors, it's easier man.

Ricky: Here you stay here little buddy.

Julian: How do you f*ckin' function like this every day, Rick?

Ricky: It's fun, isn't it?

Ricky: YOU MAKE SURE THAT f*cking BAG'S GOOD AND TIED UP THERE BUBBLES!!!

Bubbles: You make sure you f*ck OFF Ricky, how 'bout that?

Bubbles: Okay boys now that you're both good AND f*cking HIGH I need you to go on a little mission for me.

Bear, I need you to go to the pharmacy and get me twenty-two bottles of medicated crab shampoo.

Julian: (Laughing) Twenty-two bottles, are you f*cking kidding me?

Bubbles: That's how much it's going to take and you can tease me and make fun of me or you can put on this suit and take the dirty old sheets and go wash them yourself it's your choice.

Ricky: Holy f*ck man, calm down.

Look I had nothing to do with this but I'll make you a f*cking deal.

We'll get your crab shampoo as long as you promise to take a big f*cking hit off of this bong and get in a f*cking better mood with us.

Bubbles: I don't want to haul off that and I don't want to get in a better f*cking mood.

Julian: Be a hell of a lot more fun watching sh*t go around and around baked Bubs, come on man don't be a grumpy f*ck.

Bubbles: [sigh]

All right.

One hit, is this the strong stuff?

Julian: No man (Chuckling).

[Laughing]

Ricky: Good luck buddy.

Bubbles: (Spitting) Jesus Julian: He just spit in your car.

Ricky: Hey man...

Bubbles: Ha, ha, ha, did I?

Ricky: Don't spit on...don't spit on my car.

Ha, ha, ha screwdriver.

Ricky!!

(chuckles) Okay, focus Bubbles.

Focus, you gotta job to do here.

Focus, stay focused.

Julian: What the f*ck is he doing?

Ricky: He's f*cked up.

Bubbles: Boys, what was i doing?

Ricky: Laundry [laughs]

.

Bubbles: [laughs]

Laundry's hilarious.

Put your clothes in a machine [laughs]

What the f*ck are we supposed to do?

Um...we've got to get twenty-two bottles of crab shampoo [laughing]

Oh yeah.

Holy f*ck!

Twenty-two!

Randy: Hey Don!

[sniffing]

Ah hey!

You've made love recently.

You dirty fucker.

You and Mister Lahey finally worked things out.

No we didn't actually.

Oh no?

Got really drunk and had sexual intercourse with a woman.

Oh ho ho, who's the lucky punta?

I'd rather not say.

Don: Ah!

Randy: The worse thing is is I caught crabs.

'Cuz you and I work so closely together I'd advise you to check yourself out and fumigate your trailer immediately.

Don: Crap it all Randall I certainly can't harm a creature of this world.

Randy: But the friggen things spread like crazy!

I had to shave my whole region.

Don: I'll simply just meditate them away again!

Randy: You've had 'em before?

Don: Yes, many times!

Randall I've been with plenty of women in this world and there's always a chance of picking up a few of the unwanted hitchhikers of love.

Remember to sift throughth sand next time before you dive into the dewiness, ha ha.

J-Roc: T, you know what I'm sayin' I didn't work for months to make Roc Bocca a premium brand just to have you take it down a notch with one video upload with crabs in it dog.

T: We're trying to reopen the bird.

I mean we gotta move some roc.

Dog you gotta raise the bar, you know what I'm sayin'?

It's a premium brand.

Ain't nobody interested in crabs 'less you opening a seafood shack bitch!

Look...look I know.

Nobody wants crotch critters on their sh*t.

Yeah I figure, my bad, my bad.

But sh*t's been crazy since you got locked up and I can't roll up here every day looking for approval and sh*t.

You think sh*t's crazy where you at?

Try being up in herr, you know what I'm sayin'?

sh*t crazy.

m*therf*ckers pushing up on me, you know what I'm sayin'?

I'm hard, but I'm just worried 'cuz other m*therf*ckers are even more hard if you know what I'm saying.

You hard, you just hold your head up and hold tight.

Alright?

Alright.

Hey T...

come here you meh.

Good to see you boi.

Bubbles: All right you pinchy little bastards.

It's the end of the line for you guys.

Oh no!

NO!!!

Oh my god!

(Whispering) Oh my god, oh my god don't panic Bubbles, don't panic.

Do not panic!

Oh my god the suit...

oh, OH it's stuck!

IT'S STUCK!!!

OH, OH, OH MY GOD!!!

Oh I can feel...

Oh my god!

HELP ME GET NAKED!!

HELP ME GET NAKED!!

THEY'RE GOING FOR MY BIRD!!!

They're...

they're going for my bird!!!

Julian: No man, I'm baked out of my mind, I'm...I'm too baked!

I can't even f*cking think about what we get Lahey.

What about a new stove man?

One of those ones ,you know, the nice ones with the glassy tops, he'd f*cking love that.

Sam and Cyrus gave him twenty-two hundred bucks, you want to get a glassy top stove?

It was just a thuck.

Thuck!

All right man, you go get the sh*t, I'm waiting here.

No, no, no.

I had nothing to do with the f*cking crabs.

I'm not going in there to buy that sh*t.

What if Lucy saw me?

Lucy?

Lucy's banging George, That's f*cking disgusting.

Julian, they say beauty is in the eye when you hold her.

I still love her and I'm not f*cking going in there to buy that sh*t, f*ck THAT!!!

Fine, I'm too big to do this sh*t man.

You've changed Julian.

Shut up man no I haven't.

♪♪ Pharmacist: Can I help you find something?

Sir?


Tooth...toothpaste and it's...

It's not toothpaste.

julian: [whispers]

f*ck.

Ricky: f*ck you clouds...

squish.

Julian: I f*cked up.

You need to go in there and get it.

Ricky: I told you, I can't be seen buying that sh*t!

Julian: Well here put this on and say you got bad allergies or somethin'.

Ricky: No!

Julian: Listen your the one that promised Bubbles, not me.

Ricky: Jesus Christ, fine.

If I'm going to do this I'm f*ckin' doing it my way.

Julian: What are you doing?

Ricky: I'll be right back.

♪♪ Ricky: Everybody put up your f*cking hands and freeze!!!

Hello?

I'M NOT HERE TO HURT ANYBODY, I WANT SOME f*cking CRAB SHAMPOO AND SOME OF THOSE PILLS THAT HELP MAKE YOUR FENIS GET BIGGER!!!

MOVE!!!

Male Pharmacist: (Stuttering) Fen...fenis?

AH f*ck WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE'S DOCTOR ARE YOU?

DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A FENIS IS.

MOVE, MOVE.

HURRY THE f*ck UP QUINCY.

Here's your...

box of shampoo.

And your pills to make your fenis get bigger.

Look we understand if you're embarrassed to buy this stuff, lots of people are, just don't hurt us.

Ricky: Embarrassed?

I don't get embarrassed.

The shampoo's for my friends and the pills are for my f*cking daughter you labcoat dummy.

Just take that.

Ricky: Don't f*cking move.

[DISTANT SIRENS]

Ricky: COPS!!

f*ck!!

Julian: Get us outta here!

f*ck!!

Ricky: What the f*ck?

I guess it wasn't for us.

Bubbles: You shouldn't touch me 'cuz you're going to get things on ya.

You're gonna regret it!

I'm telling ya they're going to be crawlin' all over ya.

For f*ck sakes!

Ricky: The hot tub, gold and silvery banjo, a f*cking outdoor crookie tooker, I don't f*cking know.

Crookie tooker?

Let's just go to Lahey's, ask him what he wants and we'll go and get it.

We can't man, he wants it to be a f*cking surprise.

Well we can't go do a job right now with Bubbles with us...

so what the f*ck are we going to do?

Well we'll have to take him home and come back out and I'm NOT smoking anymore of your dope.

Yes you are that was the deal.

Ricky: Hey Gary!

f*ck off.

Julian: How'd it go buddy?

Bubbles: How'd it go ah let me see...oh I got sentenced to community service, indecent exposure, resisting arrest and under the influence of narcotics.

They thought I was on bath salts when I stripped down other than that, great!

Julian: So what kind of community service they give ya?

Oh I gotta go to a school and tell little kids the dangers of using dr*gs and you guys are comin' with me believe me.

Ricky: f*ck that I'm not doing that sh*t man.

On a good boat we got your crab shampoo it's in the back.

Bubbles: I hope the f*ck you stoned bastards got the right stuff.

Where is it?

Holy f*ck boys...I didn't need the great big jugs that's awesome though!

Really be able to do some damage with that.

Ricky: Yeah it was ah it was on sale.

What's all this other stuff?

Ricky: Oh I picked up some pills to help Trinny's fenis get growing better.

Bubbles: Her what?

Ricky: The fenis that's what they call the baby when it's in the stomach before it gets born.

Fenis?

Ricky these are penis pills!

That's like five thousand dollars worth of cock stiffners there!

What?

Those pharmetry f*cking idiots!

Bubbles: Oh wait a second, so that means you stole the f*cking stuff too!

Oh my god boys get me the f*ck home right now before I end up back in there because of you two!

You just saved the day buddy.

How?

By f*ckin' up (chuckles).

Bubbles: Fenis pills.

Julian.

Hey Jim.

Is that for me?

Sure is buddy.

Come on in.

Why would I need all these?

Has Randy been spreading rumours about me?

Oh f*ck no.

I overheard you guys talking about your little situation the other night just before you fell through the roof of the bar.

Oh...I don't know what to say.

I'm not going to tell anyone.

I don't care if your d*ck doesn't work man.

All I care about is you and Randy.

I want to help you guys out because...

that's what friends do for friends, Jim.

We're friends?

Of course we are.

Isn't it better this way?

Yeah.

Just so you know no matter how much liquor you got in ya those pills will always work.

Really?

Yeah, I've tried 'em a few times...just between you and I, you know.

I want to thank you very much Julian and this goes a long, long way with me.

So you're happy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Why don't you take one of those pills and go find Randy.

Have some fun man.

Right.

You look like sh*t Jimmy.

I gotta go man.

All right cheers buddy!

[door knock]

Lucy: Hey Rick.

Ricky: What brings you to this d*ck of the woods?

Lucy: Well George is working tonight and Trin's got a date with Jacob so i thought that I would pop by.

Nice.

I was just thinking about you guys.

Aw, I love that picture of us.

Me too.

That's sweet that you were thinking about us and I was thinking about you and...

I always think about you.

Really?

Yeah.

So what do you think about exactly?

Well I was kinda thinking that since you're with George and you're probably not getting banged, right?

And I'm not with anybody and don't really want to bang anybody but you then maybe we can become friends with the benedicts.

Who are the Benedicts?

You know those people you become friends with if you wanna bang each other with no things attached, friends with the benedicts.

Right...are you sure you want to be friends with the benedicts?

Oh it might be good for Trinity and the Grandchild.

I mean we're going to be f*cking Grandparents Luce, can you believe it?

So tell me Grandpa do you ah remember what it is that Grandma loves?

You're f*ckin' right I do.

Barb: Oh hey Julian!

Hey, how ya doin'?

Good oh I'm so glad you could come for a drink I know how busy you are these days.

Hey we're partners.

Wow, these the crystals you got on your little trip?

Yeah they are and they have amazing properties, I'm going to tell you all about them but first I...

I...

I...

need your advice on something.

Now I ah don't laugh okay?

But I decided to try my luck in online dating.

Well I haven't had a whole lot of success with men as you know so I've been...

I've been looking through...

Barb, don't do that.

But ah Julian I don't want to be alone.

Yeah but if you end up with a f*cking dickhead then you're just missing out on a opportunity to find that special guy that, you know, is going to love you for who you are!

Some guy that likes crystals.

Some guy that thinks you're the best f*cking person in the world.

You deserve the best like don't f*cking settle for anything but the best 'cuz you f*cking deserve it.

You're right.

You are absolutely right.

I do deserve the f*cking best.

Damn right.

And I won't settle I will wait for it to come to me.

It might take a little time but...

Hey, what's time?

Want to get high?

Ha, you kidding me?

No, I do once in a blue moon.

I...

I tried it again at the retreat it was all about consciousness raising.

Here.

Sarah gave it to me it's...

it's ah Ricky's honey oil.

Come on, fire up.

f*ck it.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
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