09x02 - A Stable f*cking Environment

[bunniefuu]

["Reveille" bugle call]

What the f*ck is that?

I think it's a bugle trumpet, Ricky.

Will you shut the f*ck up?

Shut the f*ck up!

[feedback screech]

Good morning, Sunnyvale!

Breakfast will be served at 0700 hours sharp.

Thank you.

And have a safe and alcohol-free day.

I'm kind of glad you woke me up with your bugle "trunket" 'cause I've got a 15-drink piss I'm about to flush out of my f*cking body.

[chuckling]

Ah, you can keep me out of the park but you can't keep my cock out.

Is that right?

[electric buzz]

[screaming]

[wailing]

[electric buzz stops]

- [dogs barking]

- Jesus f*cking Christ!

Ugh!

Real men don't try to electrocute other men's cocks when they're trying to piss, you mushroom-titted whore...

Oh, my f*ck, that hurts!

Fu-u-uck!

[sigh]

Trin, don't look.

Dad's cock got melted.

[dogs barking]

[theme music plays]

[panting in other room]

[groan]

[Randy]

It's in as far as it can go.

It feels great.

[grunt]

I can go about another inch.

Ahh!

Mmm...

Barb.

Why is it a hundred and f*cking fifty degrees in here?

Oh, I know.

Isn't it nice, Julian?

Come and do some hot yoga with us.

[grunt]

Sweat's good for the body, Julian.

It makes you super-bendy.

You look super-f*cked, Randy.

You've got to be f*cking kidding me.

[sighing]

[Julian]

What is wrong with you people?

[Randy groans]

[Ricky]

How bad is it underneath?

It's pretty fried.

Maybe if we just do it really quick it won't hurt that bad?

It's got grill marks on it.

Listen, we've got to try this.

It's been so long.

I need it.

Okay, I...

All right.

Sure, I'll...

[Bubbles]

Hey, breakfast anyone?

Bubbles, can you give us a minute here?

Actually, no.

Breakfast sounds great.

I'm starving.

Sorry, Ricky.

Put your pants on.

Look what I got.

Pancakes from scratch, my own homemade maple syrup.

Look at that: bacon, fresh fruit, cereal, Lucky Charms, all separated out the way you like them, without the clovers.

- I f*cking love you, Bubbs.

- I'll take that.

[chuckle]

[Trin giggling]

[Ricky]

At least somebody's getting some sh*t going.

They better be careful.

I don't my gram-child's head having dents in it.

[Bubbles]

Ricky!

[Leslie]

Morning, folks.

How'd you sleep, Richard?

Ricky...

I'll punch him in the f*cking face, right now!

Ricky!

Think about your grandchild...

- Calm down.

- f*ck them!

I can't wait to get enough money to get at my new job.

I'll sue the f*cking asses off them!

- And their arms and their f*cking legs!

- Ricky...

Look, I'll deal with these f*ckers.

Wait here.

Good morning, sir.

Don't f*cking "Good morning, sir" me.

You not letting Ricky in the park, this is f*cking bullshit.

He just wants to live in here in peace with his family.

Bubbles, Ricky doesn't know how to live in peace.

And I'll be damned if I'm going to let history repeat itself, especially when things are running so perfectly.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't have signed a long-term f*cking lease for Sunnyvale Park if I had known you weren't going to let him in.

- He's my family!

- Bubbles...

Look, we have a good thing going here.

You're just going to have to trust me.

Trust you.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe if I took the lease agreement down to a lawyer and showed it to him.

Maybe I should do that to see if I should trust you.

Get a lawyer involved.

You're going to go to a lawyer, are you, Bubbs?

Jeez, I...

I don't think they have a "don't pay a cent" event down at the law offices, do they?

Ha ha ha!

Very funny.

It's f*cking bullshit anyway.

It's bullshit.

It's not fair and you know it.

[Leslie]

Fair?

Do you want to talk about fair?

You try humping a crate of scotch and two wounded soldiers on your shoulders for 31 days up the Central Highlands of South Vietnam during the battle of La Drang Valley in 1965.

And then...

have those two soldiers die on your head.

Was that fair?

Life is not fair, soldier!

Jesus Murphy.

- Hey, Julian?

- Bubbs.

How was your sleep?

I didn't sleep.

- [sighing]

- Look, come here.

- What?

- Come here.

I've got something for you.

Just keep it on the low, see?

I can't believe you can f*cking live here like this.

What do you mean?

I can't believe you spent all my g*dd*mn money without talking to me first!

- I didn't spend all your money.

- Oh, really?

Look, just calm down.

[In low voice]

I've got a drink for you.

- You got a drink for me?

- I've got some rum.

- Look, get it out!

- Just wait.

What do you mean, just wait?

Five, four, three, two, one...

How the f*ck did you do that?

He's like f*cking clockwork.

He's ex-SAS Special Ops.

He's trained to sleep with his eyes open in case he has to f*cking k*ll somebody.

He's nuts.

This is actually pretty good.

I mean, it's kind of like camping, but it's your home.

Why don't we stay here for a few weeks, turn it into a family vacation?

I think it would be good for all of us.

Rick, if you think that I'm going to spend the next three weeks going to the bathroom and having bird-baths at Tim Hortons, you've got another thing coming.

It's not happening.

Look who it f*cking is.

What the f*ck do you want, George?

You here to sucker-punch me again, you f*cking p*ssy?

Ricky...

I was out of line.

Oh, you're here to apologize, are you?

Well, that's good.

But I'm not falling for that bullshit again.

Ricky, I'm not here to apologize.

I'm here as an officer of the law to tell you that you can't stay here.

This is private property.

You've got to be f*cking kidding me.

Listen, Ricky, this is not a stable environment for a young lady about to have a baby.

Trin, why don't you and your mother come and stay at my place - just until you have the baby, at least.

- f*ck you, George.

I'll have a stable environment for my family by the end of the day.

Let's go.

Everybody in the car.

You find your own f*cking family.

[muttering]

f*cking sucker-punch throwing, d*ck-licking, stupidest dummy on planet f*cking Dumb-Dumb!

Jesus.

f*cking d*ck!

[engine struggling]

Come on, don't f*ck me around again today!

[ignition failure]

[sigh]

- [engine revs]

- Yeah!

[George]

I thought you might need a tow, Rick.

[Ricky]

Yeah?

Well, I thought you might need a "f*ck off"!

I can't believe my trailer's been taken over by sweaty old people, Bubbs!

Julian, I was trying to be like you.

I was trying to make a nice...

Oh, you were trying...

Guess what?

You f*cked up!

This isn't me, Bubbs!

Oh, Julian, there's lots of space in my place here, you can live with me.

That would be perfect.

Bubbs, you don't understand.

I can't f*cking live here like this.

What do you mean?

You can't live in the park at all?

Bubbs!

How the f*ck did you let all this happen?

Huh?

- This place is f*cked!

- How is it my fault?

[whimpers]

- All right.

All...

- [whimpers]

Listen.

I know you didn't mean to screw up.

Okay?

I'm sorry.

Maybe I can stay over at Ricky's place until I can figure this out.

Yeah, you could live right there.

That would be okay.

All right, I've got work to do.

Do you want to come with me?

Yes, I'd like to do that but will you be back by lunch?

It's Mushroom Melt Monday.

It's a big day.

We'll be back in a couple hours.

Hey, Julian.

The damn fan-belt snapped!

We tried pantyhose, know what I mean, but that didn't wizzork neither.

Party Bus will be back bouncing but it won't be till the end of the day, dawg.

All right, we'll take my car.

We'll have to make a few runs.

Here.

You coming?

- Yes.

- Bird-snap!

Oh-h-h...

Jesus!

Right in the bird.

[horn honks]

[engine stops]

- Hey, Julian.

- Hey, Jimmy.

- Boys.

- [J-Roc]

Hey, what up, Hogan's Heroes?

Julian, word around the park is that...

you're not happy with the new Sunnyvale.

What are you talking about?

I think it's f*cking amazing.

Can I have my glass back, please?

Of course.

Listen, Julian.

Barb and I have been talking.

We know there's no way that you're going to be happy in the new park.

So we're willing to make an offer to buy you out.

It's tempting, but...

Jim, I'm...

I'm not going anywhere.

I love the changes you guys made to this place.

I mean, plus, my share's probably doubled, maybe even tripled because of you guys.

It'd be crazy to f*cking sell them.

Huh.

g*dd*mn!

Look how f*cking clean that is.

Wow.

[Bubbles]

Yeah, she's some clean.

[J-Roc]

Clean like your mamma's titties.

Thanks for all the hard work you're doing.

You guys are doing a great job.

[engine starts]

I can't believe he's changed.

Don't kid yourself, Jim.

This w*r's just getting started.

Couldn't you have found a cheaper place to store it than a motel?

Hey, it ain't a motel no mo', it's a sto-mo now.

Five-O don't even know, yo.

[Julian]

What?

He means it's a storage motel.

The cops don't know about it, it's cheap.

How much Roc Vodka have we got left?

Hey, we couldn't keep Pizomegranate on the shelves, huh?

But Booberry we got lots of, know what I'm saying, 'cause it turned m*therf*ckers' tongues blue.

All right, cool.

We'll be able to flip that this afternoon.

Welcome to the greasatorium, Julian.

[J-Roc indistinct]

[Bubbles]

Gre-e-easy.

We're in 27, yo.

[indistinct]

Yo.

How greasy is this place, Julian?

[Julian]

A f*cking sh*thole.

[Bubbles]

Grease Manor.

Hey, m*therf*cker, you owe me money!

[Julian]

Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

It's me.

Put down the g*dd*mn slingshot, man.

Hey, Jules, my brother!

- What's happening?

- What's up, man?

f*ck, you look good, bro!

- Thanks.

- Nice ride.

Now, look.

I know I owe you some storage money but do you think I can just grab my sh*t and I'll get you back?

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

Come on, man, are you f*cking?

I can never tell when you're f*cking with me.

Tom, I can flip this sh*t this afternoon, I'll pay you the whole thing by the end of the day.

Oh, man, I'd love to help you boys out, but you know, it's just this...

- Come on, I'm running a business.

- I know.

Hey, look.

I know, but look.

I'm going through some hard times right now.

f*ck, Jules, everybody's going through hard time.

That's why they leave their sh*t with me.

Now come on, this is a business.

- You understand that?

- I understand, but it's me.

Look, have I ever f*cked you over?

- No.

- No, I haven't.

Just give me the keys to your car for collateral.

That's all.

How the f*ck are we supposed to sell liquor without a ride, Cousin Larry?

Those work great.

I'm not going to sell booze out of f*cking ice cream bikes, Tommy?

Come on!

Julian, just hang on.

That could f*cking work.

That could work.

We could sell it at the park that way.

Yeah, it's going to work out great, man.

I'll give you enough product to flip.

You just pay me back at the end of the day.

- We're good.

- All right.

That's the least I could do for a friend, pal.

- Thanks, Tommy.

- Yeah...

Keys.

Key.

[Bubbles]

Julian!

Check it out!

- I'm Ice Cream Fonzy!

- [bells jingling]

[laughing]

[Lucy]

His name is George.

Well, I just can't believe you're taking that fuckhead's side!

I'll take a small white fonda.

That fuckhead who took care of us while you were in jail?

Yeah, I am!

Well, I'm going to take care of this family from now on.

Okay?

I'm going to ask my new boss for a little f*cking advance and get a place for this family by tonight, I promise.

[man]

Thanks for the hash.

You're just getting an ice cream for yourself and not thinking about anybody else?

Lucy, I don't have any money.

It's not for me.

It's a gesture with my new boss.

You know what, Ricky?

- George is right.

- [scoffs]

[bells jingling]

Boys, wait up!

All right, here you go, man.

All right?

Perfect, that will do.

I've got nothing left, sweetie.

Sorry, fellas, I got no ice cream for you.

Then bust me a pint of liquor, bitch!

- Yeah.

- Pint of liquor?

I don't think you're of legal drinking age, are you?

Are you legal getting knocked the f*ck out age?

Ooh-hoo!

Jesus Murphy, how old are you?

How old are your mamma's titties?

- Okay, that's just cold.

- My God.

Listen, I don't sell alcohol to minors.

I'm sorry.

- Then we out!

- Googly-eyed bitch.

- Jesus Murphy!

- How's it going, Bubbs?

How's it going?

I only sold two bottles of liquor and those two little fellas just verbally bitch-slapped me.

Don't worry, y'all!

I called for back-up.

Woo-ahhh!

- Br-r-rap, br-r-rap!

- Yeah!

- Br-r-rap, br-r-rap!

- Yeah!

- Br-r-rap, br-r-rap!

- Yeah!

- Huh?

- Br-r-rap!

- Yeah!

Huh?

- That's right!

- Huh?

- Br-r-rap!

That's what's up, y'all.

Near the end of my police career, I was drinking a pint of liquor for breakfast, a quart for lunch and a 40-ouncer for supper.

- [chuckling]

- I was a mess.

I feel you, Jim.

I was the exact same.

God knows how many people I k*lled when I was wasted.

[approaching footsteps]

Mr. Lahey!

I tried to explain to Colonel Dancer that I cannot wear shirts on my body 'cause I get a rash...

- I got a rash!

- Under the new regime, it's imperative that all employees wear the required uniform, no exceptions.

Mr. Lahey, you own the park.

Tell him I can't.

I said no exceptions, soldier!

I'm not a frigging soldier and you're not in the army anymore!

[grunt]

Disobeying a direct order from a superior officer is in violation of the rules!

Now, you will go and de-weed a flower garden or you will fill in a pothole and you will look out for graffiti vandals and you will keep that g*dd*mn vest on!

I can't believe you didn't stick up for me!

Again!

You were saying, Jim?

Nice day.

[Barb]

He's been sober for six months.

He sends me flowers every week.

He's done a miraculous job with Sunnyvale Villas.

It doesn't mean you have to spread your legs for him.

Sarah, not in front of the customers.

They don't care.

Do you?

Look, what do you even need a man for?

You've got us girls.

We should stick together.

[sigh]

I know I'm old-fashioned, but I just think that a woman of my age really, really ought to have a partner.

You're too young to be old-fashioned.

And you're too old to be attached at the hip to some guy who's not even giving you what you need.

Am I right?

Like, have you even thought about what Barb needs?

Ooh, there's trouble!

How are you?

Come on right this way.

Sarah, can I talk to you for a sec?

- Yeah, what's up?

- Come.

I need you for a sec.

It's about Gladys.

She wants me to do some extra stuff.

'Cause Donna's doing it, she wants me to do it.

I ain't feeling it.

Look, you're going to make us an extra 60 bucks, T.

And you're going to make her really happy.

Oh, don't be a p*ssy.

You might even like it.

[rapping]

My height may be low Yeah!

My bike may be slow Hoo!

But when I'm rockin' on the mic We stand f*cking toe to toe 'Cause I'm hard as f*ck, bitch I ain't no hamburger platter I'm hard as f*ck bitch And if you don't know me it don't matter 'Cause I'm hard as f*ck bitch You know me, MC Flurry!

He's actually a'ight, know what I mean?

[siren blast]

- [short siren blasts]

- Great.

f*cking great!

[objects clattering]

Get the f*ck back in the vehicle!

f*ck off!

Just give me a second.

This thing's melting.

Hi, you must be Sharon.

I'm Ricky, the guy from jail that sent you the letter over the world pipe - down on the TVs with click-clackers.

- E-mail?

Well, if it said Ricky on it, I guess it was me, right?

Anyway, I hope you like vanilla.

It's a little melty but tastes f*cking great.

Jesus, what the hell do you think you're doing, Ricky?

Do you mind?

I'm trying to talk to my boss.

You don't see me coming down to your job batting cocks out of your mouth, do you?

Oh, that's real funny.

That's a great set of wheels you got there.

Yeah.

They're new German...

technology...

earthy tires.

You don't even have to pump them up.

Well, I've got a flatbed on the way.

I'm impounding this piece of sh*t.

It's not safe for the road.

You can't f*cking do that!

I need it for work, for deliveries.

It's the only chance I have to get a f*cking home for my family.

Well, I was talking to George and he said I could drop your family off at his place.

Oh, my f*ck!

This is just a f*cking set-up, isn't it?

Well, you can tell George Green that he can suck my f*cking cock, and you two d*ck-wipes can hold the f*cking shaft while he's sucking.

- How about that?

- The position's no longer available.

Yeah, who's sucking it now, Ricky?

Who's sucking these?

Well, this is f*cking great!

Now I'm laid off and I can't get pokey, so I've got no money to get a place for my family to f*cking live.

You know whose fault it is?

Butchy McBitch Tits, George f*cking Green!

He sends his cocked ones here to f*ck me!

[objects clattering]

Tony, what the f*ck are you doing?

- That's a new bumper!

- Blow me, Ricky.

I'll f*cking blow you, stupid toe-d*ck!

That's just f*cking awesome!

Lucy, please don't f*cking leave me.

Let me sort this bullshit out.

Nothing with you is ever going to change.

I have changed, I promise you.

I'm never going to break the law again.

I don't want to be a homeless grandmother, Ricky.

Lucy, please.

We didn't get a chance to bang yet.

I need to.

Step away from the car, Ricky.

You're f*cking lucky I don't charge you with assaulting a police officer.

For what?

Throwing flowers at two dicks?

f*ck off!

Is there any way I can get my money for today?

What the f*ck's your problem?

I showed up.

Holy f*ck.

Let's go, Jacob.

Giddy-the-f*ck-up!

[metal squeaking]

Man, I wish Cory was here.

Go get him, dumb-ass.

[bells jingling]

Oh, hell no, Julian, peep your whip, dawg!

- f*ck.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

- Hell no!

[Julian]

Tommy!

- What's going on?

What happened?

- Tommy!

Tom, what the f*ck happened to my car?

Oh, f*ck!

Julian!

Julian!

Hey, man, I was at the mall.

I got back, your f*cking car was stripped, bro.

That's a shame.

- Tough neighborhood.

- Is it?

You're the only one lives here, bitch over troubled water!

- Hey...

- Explain that, bitch!

I'm going to pull your f*cking head off!

- Julian!

- Dandelion-style!

Then we'll see what's up.

Julian, man.

Don't make me call the cops on you.

Oh, you're going to call the cops on me, you little f*ck?

Well, you got a lawyer?

- My money or a lawyer.

- You know what?

- Here's your f*cking money, right?

- Yeah, yeah!

- Give me the f*cking keys!

- You're short.

- What the f*ck do you mean, I'm short?

- You're short, man!

There's not enough there to cover the f*cking late fees on your storage unit, never mind your bike rentals.

Bike rentals?

Are you f*cking kidding me, Tommy?

I'm running a business, bro.

This isn't no favor factory.

But, hey, 'cause we're friends, I'm going to take a couple bucks off your parking fee for today but get out of here by tomorrow 'cause someone might want to park here.

Okay?

- Julian!

Julian!

- f*cking k*ll you!

- You stay the f*ck out!

- Bring it on, you little f*cking weasel!

- Get back!

- Whoa, put that down!

Somebody's going to lose an eye!

You want your liquor?

Pay me, bitch!

Yeah?

I'm coming back, Tommy.

You're lucky I don't want to go to f*cking jail, you little slimy f*ck!

- Can't wait to see you, handsome!

- Yeah?

- Oh, you greasy son of a whore.

- Fucker!

- Greasy bastard!

- Oh, f*ck you!

Thanks for helping me out, man.

Hey, dude, no problem.

You call any time, I'm there.

Almost there, boys.

This is where we're trunking down for the night.

- [reigns slapping]

- Ow!

Ow!

My sunburn, dude.

[goats bleating]

Sometimes when the old man got super banged up, I couldn't take it.

So I'd run away for a few days and come and chill out here.

Holy f*ck, it hasn't changed a bit.

Look at this place!

It's f*cking perfect!

Where are we going to use the bathroom?

Where are we going to sleep?

[Ricky]

Well, there's a hose out back and if you and Jacob want the couch, you can have it or we can all make beds out of hay like the f*cking Vike-nings used to do.

Dad, I think maybe I should go stay with Mom just until the baby's here.

If you want to go stay with George, I'll understand.

I just thought maybe we could, you know, kind of come here and live the way people used to.

Like...

a hundred billion years ago they didn't have f*cking houses or cars or anything.

This is the way they did it.

They f*cking lived in barns.

How long would we be here for?

Just for tonight, I promise.

A week or two, tops.

- What do you think?

- I don't.

We should probably listen to your dad.

What do you think?

I love you so much.

Thanks...

I think we've run a...

very successful campaign, Colonel.

The smell of victory is in the air.

[Leslie]

Oh, let's not get ahead of ourselves, Jim.

- Do you want to know something funny?

- Yeah?

Randy actually does get a rash if he wears a shirt.

[chuckling]

So?

Well, maybe we can cut him a little slack.

Everyone has to follow the rules, Jim.

No exceptions.

That's how wars are won.

Some people suffer.

That man is weak and a disgrace to his uniform.

To hell with that feller.

I appreciate you sticking up for me, Mr.

Lahey.

I'm done taking orders from you, Colonel Sandals.

[sniffing]

What's that smell in the air now, Jim?

[steam hissing]

See, Trin, this isn't too bad, huh?

George thought I couldn't find you a stable environment, f*cking cock goggle-wearing sh*t-lasso!

f*ck him!

You're going to be the best grandfather ever.

I love you.

Holy f*ck, check it out.

Look at the cute little puppy.

That's not a puppy, Dad.

What is it, a horn-dog?

No, it's a goat.

I've heard of those f*cking things.

Willy goats.

Check it out, little buddy.

I've got something for you.

- Hey, Cory.

- Huh?

Wake up, dude.

It's getting late.

You should get back to the trailer park.

Well...

it's dark.

How am I supposed to find my way back?

Uh, you follow the f*cking stars.

The stars don't move, dude.

No sh*t.

That's why you f*cking follow them.

Even he knows that.

All right.

Well, see you, Jacob.

Have fun with your family.

- See you whenever.

- All right.

Cool, man.

There you go, little fella.

Check it out.

Here, why don't you just crawl in here?

You can sleep here for the night.

I'm going to name you Willy.

You're like a double unicorn.

[goat bleating]

[Ricky]

What's that?

I can't understand you.

What did you say?

What?

Oh, you want a drink?

Do you want to smoke a joint?

I've got hash and weed.

What do you want?

- [bleating sounds like "hash"]

- What?

- [bleating sounds like "both"]

- You want both?

Okay.

Let's get f*cked up!