32x16 - Manger Things

[bunniefuu]

("BOLERO" BY PINK MARTINI PLAYING)

♪ ("O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING)

No, sweetie.

That's a deadly glass ball that we hang where babies can get it.

See?

Deadly glass ball?

(COUGHS)

- BART: Oh!

- LISA: Oh!

(YOWLS)

Huh?

Todd Flanders?

How'd that get on our tree?

Christmas is no time to think about your neighbors.

It's a very interesting story.

A Christmas story of failing and redemption.

Isn't that every Christmas story?

A Christmas story of your father's failing and redemption.

Isn't that every Homer story?

This one also has a secret room, and it's set six years in the past.

Oh, thank God it's not the horrible present.

What year did it happen?

Oh, you know the year.

The Oscar went to an overrated movie that nobody remembers, Tom Brady won the Super Bowl and a public figure had to apologize for saying something stupid.

- Oh, that one.

- That year.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Remember it well.

Okay.

So, Homer and I were going to the office Christmas party.

GRAMPA: I had just lost my last adult tooth,

- which they say is worth thousands.

- MARGE: Grampa.

- This is my story.

- Fine.

We were getting ready...

Listen, before we go, I want to ask you a favor.

Don't drink at the office party.

But then it just becomes a meeting.

I'm serious.

I don't want you embarrassing yourself at work.

All right.

I'll just drink soda.

- Water is healthier.

- Not in this town.

Woo-hoo!

Kids, get the hot dogs!

Homer, that's not safe.

(CHUCKLES): Marge, it's natural gas.

- ♪ - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Marge.

Marge, Marge, Marge, Marge.

- When will you ever settle down?

- What the...?

Hey, Marge, want to rub shoulders?

Cover yourself up and quit hitting on my wife.

Oh, so now she's your wife.

I've never been at a party where I'm sober and everyone else is drunk.

This is a nightmare.

I know how you feel, pal.

I haven't had a drink in four years.

You're so boring.

He's right.

I am boring.

We should give Homer a little help

- enjoying the party.

- Mm-hmm.

So, if you're all partying, who's running the plant?

We got a dog that barks when a light goes red.

(BEEPING)

(YAWNS)

Ah, it's nice to get close to the workers once a year.

- Are you enjoying your holiday?

- I was just watching this fantastic movie, It's a Wonderful Life.

A tribute to my favorite character: the conniving, evil banker who ruins Christmas Eve.

I presume it ends with Jimmy Stewart's su1c1de.

Attention!

Attention!

I've arranged for some of the latest hip music to be sung.

♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Good old Monty is our king ♪

♪ He's a mean old crocodile ♪

♪ Worse than jock itch by a mile ♪

♪ I can't wait till Burnsy dies ♪

♪ Watching vultures eat his eyes. ♪

Not so fast.

Release the hounds!

On, Slasher!

On, Gasher!

On, Mangey and Nips 'Em!

On, Stalker!

On, Vicious!

On, Rabid and Rips 'Em!

(HOUNDS GROWL)

Good night, Mr.

Burns.

Die!

Die!

Die!

And cool me whiskey.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out. ♪

(HARMONIZED SCREAM)

Homer, we've got to go.

Come on, can't I finish filling my pants with shrimp?

Mm.

Ooh.

(SIREN WAILING)

I don't know what happened.

What happened is what happens every time.

You got drunk, and you made a fool of yourself.

(SOBS SOFTLY)

I don't want you coming home until I know you've changed.

Good night.

Uh, aren't you gonna get out?

No, just drive me around in circles, please.

Oh, sorry.

You have to order an Uber Sad for that.

There, there.

Prices are always surging at Christmas.

Where do I go?

Where do I go?

Hey.

You got to bowl or go home.

♪ ♪ Skate or go home.

Go home or go home.

Isn't a church supposed to offer sanctuary?

I'll tell you what.

Quote one Bible verse, and I'll let you in.

Um...

"There once was a man from Judaea who said to my wife, 'If I pay ya...'"

And no.

Please.

I have nowhere to go.

Well, there is one person that takes the homeless, lost dogs, even grocery bags carried off by the wind.

Oh.

I don't know how to put this.

Come on in, my brother.

You, too.

Look, Maude.

God blessed us with another mouth - to feed.

- (SCOFFS)

More like a sinkhole that likes french fries.

Oh, now, Maude, Jesus said, "Love your neighbor" even though he never seemed to live next to anyone.

Please, Ned.

I'm due any day.

Maude, when I look in that man's face, I see Jesus.

When you look at everything, you see Jesus.

I bet you're seeing Jesus right now.

I love you so much.

Put him in your man cave.

Man cave?

My Son of Man cave.

The Wi-Fi password is "sinners burn in hell."

The second "S" is a dollar sign.

The first "L" is a one.

The "E" in "sinners" is a three, but the "E" in "hell" is an "E" for "eternity."

(GROANS)

I'll just use my data plan like an animal.

(CLATTERING)

You ate the Christmas ham.

And it wasn't even cooked.

Wait, wait.

You were saving that?

(EXHALES)

It was still in the plastic.

That was plastic?

Uh-oh.

I know it's tough, Marge, but you're doing the right thing.

Just like I raised him.

Punish, punish, punish.

And after it's much too late, love.

It's not just this one thing.

It's a pattern of constant disappointment.

You must see it.

You live with us temporarily.

What do you mean, "temporarily"?

Nothing.

Nothing, nothing.

Have a good night.

(QUIET WHIMPERS)

Oh, I can't take this place.

- Ooh!

- Aw.

Even my peripheral vision is betraying me.

(SNARLS)

So, wife threw you out, eh?

- Yeah.

- We've got a nice, warm bed for you in the lake of eternal flame!

A house by the lake?

I could get some writing done.

In the lake.

Oh, thank God.

Any excuse not to write.

(GROANS)

k*ll me.

KRUSTY: Hey, hey, kids.

Especially the little ones.

Here's an all-new Itchy & Scratchy.

Parental discretion advised.

But if they were around, you wouldn't be watching.

(LAUGHS)

Ah!

Ah!

(SCREAMS)

(BOTH SCREAM)

Where's Daddy?

Um, he-he won't be back for a while.

It's okay.

I love Bart.

I love Bart.

I love Bart.

I love Bart.

And I love Lisa.

BOTH: I love you, I love you, I love you.

Oh, that's wonderful.

We can still have a nice Christmas,

- even without your...

- (CHUCKLES)

Daddy's back.

Daddy's back.

Look at that hat.

He must be a millionaire.

(BOTH SCREAM)

Okay, it's time to go to bed.

We'll have fun tomorrow.

(BOTH SCREAM)

("JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING)

See?

Even without Daddy, it's Christmas at the mall.

Please give something.

I'm about to be the first person ever dishonorably discharged by the Salvation Army.

Aw, that was a real beard.

Can I get these for me and Daddy?

I'm not sure Daddy will be back by Christmas.

Ooh, I smell marital problems.

A salesman's dream.

Little boy, if she doesn't buy it, she doesn't love you.

Really?

And do you have a happy homelife?

Why, ye...

No.

Aw, poor fella.

I know what'll cheer him up.

Homer, would you like to say grace?

I'd rather just eat.

No grace?

Then I'm gonna let my hair grow natural.

(HAIR POPS)

Homer, please.

Honor the Lord until we're all bored.

(SIGHS)

Dear God, how you doing?

I know your son's birthday's coming up.

Oh, with his mother, you say?

Oh, that's too bad.

Now, Homer, in this house, grace is personal, pious, and at least words.

Fine.

Thank You, O Lord, for my wonderful home, which I'm not in.

And my beautiful family, which I can't see.

I mean, Flanders is great and all, but even you must think he's kind of a jackass.

What's a jackass?

It's a silly person, Roddy.

Daddy, you're a jackass.

Sheesh.

The mouth on that kid.

Ned, that man has got to go.

Maude, you know we can't turn away someone in need right before Christmas.

You're right.

I forgot my Christian values.

Could you please get our guest some Christmas candy?

Absotively.

Get the hell out.

(WHIMPERS)

Where'd he go?

Can't be a rapture, I know that.

- HOMER: Yep.

- Scram!

I have no luck.

Just keep bringing me drinks until I pass out under this table.

Also, you have tables?

Why aren't you home with Midge?

I've been kicked out.

I have no place to go.

Oh, you poor guy.

Let's take a walk.

Finally.

Aw...

(GROANS)

If only I could get back in there tonight.

Well, uh, actually, there is a way.

What are you talking about?

There's a tiny little room above your garage that you've never noticed.

Until Marge forgives you, you can hide out in there.

Have you ever stayed up there?

I haven't, but, uh, I did rent it out to a nice Irish family.

(SAD FLUTE MELODY PLAYS)

Oh, Ma, this is the best place we've ever lived.

We only have to clean Moe's bar for seven years, and then we get our passports back.

("SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING)

♪ LISA: God bless Bart.

God bless Mommy.

God bless Santa.

Santa bless God.

And especially God bless Daddy.

BART: God, I don't know if you could do this, but I want a different father.

(SOBS)

I'm home.

("CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING)

(MUSIC FADES)

So cozy.

Ooh, cheese!

Rat trap!

Ow!

Ooh, more cheese.

Rat trap!

Ow!

Ooh, rat trap!

Cheese!

Ow!

At least I haven't seen any spiders.

Cool.

Now that I'm a bachelor again, my hair is coming back.

Aah!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Lenny.

Yeah, I'm doing okay.

You're living the life you always dreamed of: not being able to stand.

I'm so lonely I made a Marge from insulation.

LISA: Mommy?

Bart and I decided we'll give up all our toys for Christmas if Daddy can come back.

But I'll need double on my birthday.

Take it or leave it.

What's happened to you?

BART: I'm becoming a jerk because I have no dad.

MARGE: So you'll be better if he comes back?

BART: Maybe not, but you won't get all the blame.

♪ ♪

Well, I want him back, too.

BOTH: Yay!

MARGE: I want him back, but I need your father to do one great thing.

One thing to show that all the nonsense I put up with has a point.

Now, we're going to go to midnight mass without your father.

Aw, missing church.

This is the saddest I've ever been happy.

(CAR DEPARTING)

("O HOLY NIGHT" PLAYING)

One thing.

One gesture.

(GASPS)

I know!

I'll do the thing that Christmas is really all about!

Make cookies.

Dad made cookies!

Yay!

How many did you eat?

Most but not all.

(GASPS)

Oh, that's wonderful!

Mwah.

(GASPING, SHOUTING)

(GROANS)

No forgiveness, no cookies, and I b*rned the good drapes so we'll have to get corncob curtains.

(SIGHS)

I need a miracle, but those never happen at Christmas.

(MAUDE GROANING)

MAUDE: Contraction!

Oh, if only that pregnant woman would stop that racket so I could think.

You could deliver the baby.

Wait, who are you?

I'm your brain.

How come I haven't heard from you before?

Your stomach gets all the blood.

You shut up about that!

I know where you live.

Oh, the baby's coming.

Oh, wh-where's your father?

He's delivering Christmas turkeys to the poor.

That selfish jerk.

Did somebody order an unlikely hero?

Maude, let's get you to the hospital.

(MOANS)

No.

It's too late.

Then I'll deliver this baby myself.

How are you gonna do that?

The same way I learned what the top ten bass solos through history are...

through YouTube.

- ("MY GENERATION" BASS SOLO PLAYING)

- _ - _ - Oh, there's always a commercial.

There will be a time, mark my words, where the monkey attempts to eat your face.

If you've done everything correctly, your mother-to-be is calm and peaceful.

(GROANS)

Shut up.

You know nothing.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to get angry.

That's okay.

Of course it's okay!

(MOANS)

Could you do me a favor?

- (GRUNTS)

- Anything.

Pretend to be Ned.

(HUFFING)

Okay.

(STAMMERING)

Oodily doodily.

Uh, no clownin', that baby's crownin'.

You're almost out of labor, neighbor.

No, no.

The real Ned.

Um, uh, uh, I'm a left-handed weirdo with a cop mustache.

No.

No, no, no.

(MOANS)

I mean the quiet, wonderful man I married.

All right.

To help you deliver this baby, I'll make the ultimate sacrifice.

I'll act like a weenie.

Maude, I know I'll love heaven because you've made one for me on Earth.

Let's bring another angel into this world.

Perfectly normal.

Eight fingers and eight toes.

Aw.

How long have you been here?

Long enough to see the man I married is heroic and wise and capable and brave

- and...

- Give me my baby!

I guess it is mostly yours.

- Here.

- Homie, you did great.

Mmm!

Oh, Maude.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Neddy.

I was in good hands.

I redeemed myself at Christmas, like the Grinch, the Die Hard guy and Scrooged.

In honor of today, we're gonna name our son Homer.

- (GRUNTS)

- Uh...

Todd Homer Flanders.

Todd's middle name is Homer?

Yep.

And for similar reasons, Maggie's middle name is Lenny.

But that's a story for the next Arbor Day.

Well, I want to see your secret room.

Oh-oh-oh, not so fast, boy.

First you have to tell me one of your secrets.

Okay.

Not saying why, but you might want to get a new toothbrush.

(CHUCKLES)

You, too, son.

You, too.

And I found out something else about the day you were born.

What?

You were born with a full set of teeth.

And here they are!

(SHRIEKING)

GRAMPA: Where are my dentures?!

I got a hot date tonight, and I want to show off by eatin' chicken.

What am I doin' up there?

(CHUCKLING)

(MOANING)

(CHUCKLES)

You think the kids can hear?

No, no, everything up here is totally soundproof.

Well, don't let me stop youse.

What?

What are you lookin' at?

- ("CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING)

Shh!