05x06 - Finger in the Butt

[bunniefuu]

(LOW HUM OF CHATTER)

What the hell is she doing here?!

I never would've said yes to this if I knew she was gonna be here...

Oh God, I think I'm gonna throw up.

Hey, get it down, swallow it back, okay?

- Look at me, Anne.

- Mm-hmm.

Stay calm.

Pivot back to the book.

You've been training for this.

All right?

- I don't think I can do that.

- Of course you can!

Just...

- MAN: Okay, here we go!

- WOMAN: Positions!

MAN: All right in , , ...

(KATE SIGHS NERVOUSLY)

- (INTRO MUSIC PLAYS)

- Welcome back to "The Skinny."

(APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)

Joining us on our new favourite segment, "Agree to Disagree," we have parenting experts Alicia Rutherford, of the podcast, "Mother Knows Breast," and author, Anne Carlson, who...

well, let's just say things got a little heated recently on Alicia's podcast.

- Let's take a listen.

- sh*t.

ALICIA: I have too much respect for my listeners to have a guest on who promotes deadbeat parenting!

ANNE: For the last time, "hands-off parenting"

is not deadbeat parenting, now suck a (BLEEP)

chub, Alicia!

- (GASPING SOUND EFFECTS PLAY)

- Yikes!

Lots to unpack there.

I would just like to apologize to our younger viewers who may have heard that.

Yes, I'm very sorry.

Let me get this straight, you were both part of the same parenting group for several years?

That's right, and this one did not make it easy.

(BOTH LAUGH, LAUGH TRACK PLAYS)

(WHISPERS)

This f*ckin' bitch.

Look, while I am ashamed how I came off on that podcast, Alicia and I have very different parenting philosophies.

Yeah, one of us parents, and one does not.

(SURPRISED "OHH" SOUND EFFECTS)

- If I may, - Mm-hmm.

everyone's entitled to their own opinion.

But "hands-off parenting" isn't about not being involved in your children's lives.

It's about giving them room to make mistakes, and grow from them.

I talk all about this in my upcoming book,

- "Running Your Own Train." - Yes!

Solid pivot.

The "Hands-off parenting" is respecting your kid enough...

- (PHONE VIBRATES)

- Hey, what's up?

Hey, have you seen my reflective vest?

I've been looking for it everywhere, and I really wanna take a long ride.

No, look, I don't know where it is, just wear yellow.

It's basically the same thing.

It is not the same thing at all.

I can't talk about this right now, I gotta go.

I guess I just feel that your free-range approach is more about freeing up the parents.

Sorry, where is your -year-old daughter now?

She's at home with her Dad.

Who, I'm sure I don't need to point out, is also her parent, and is uh, perfectly capable of caring for her while I, too, focus on my career.

Well, I gotta say, Anne, hearing you talk more about your book, it all sounds so forward-thinking.

- Why, thank you, Tanya...

- If you wanna call it that.

What's that now?

Well, I just don't think it's very forward-thinking to take advice from a woman who k*lled her baby.

(GASP SOUND EFFECTS PLAY)

(GROANS, "OOH" SOUND EFFECTS)

And...

we're f*cked.

What I think Alicia is referring to is my very legal abortion.

A very private piece of information to bring up in a very public space.

However, I have nothing to hide.

And I feel very grateful to live in a country where women have choices.

- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING EFFECTS)

- Yes!

Yeah!

Yes!

Yes!

I think it's clear that these two "Agree to Disagree!"

(CHUCKLING SOUND EFFECTS PLAY)

We're gonna take a quick break.

And when we come back, we'll be talking all about everybody's favourite new spice, za'atar.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING EFFECTS)

(BELL RINGS)

(CHUCKLES)

That was great.

Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

- (LOUD SLAP)

- Oh no.

♪ ANNE: What the hell was that?

You knew about that!

- You set me up!

- What?

Oh!

Would you two relax!

I heard your blow-up on the podcast, and sent it in.

- And thank God I did.

- sh*t.

Well, I was wrong to worry about your temperament, that sh*t's gold.

I saw the whole thing from the control room, and I gotta say, you give a hell of a bitch slap!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Your book might actually sell now, how about a thank you?

f*ck you!

You know what, I'm...

I'm gonna self-publish.

(LAUGHS)

Well, sadly, the contract you signed with Wynston Publishing prohibits that.

- It's not a fight you can win.

- Hmm.

Are you not gonna say anything?

I mean, she's right, this is gonna help your book.

You k*lled it up there.

You pull out now, you're only gonna hurt yourself.

She's not wrong.

Look, I know you're upset.

Okay?

I get it.

Do you?

Because I feel like I'm talking to Sloane!

Come on.

You're supposed to have my back.

What are we even about if you flip the second "Heels" over there snaps her fingers?

I operate independently from "Heels."

Oh yeah, so then tell me why my publicist set me up to have my abortion outed for ratings?!

How many times do I have to tell you I didn't know

- she was gonna be here!

- Yeah, well, she was!

- You f*cked up!

- I hate Alicia too, okay...

I'm really sorry about that.

(SIGHS)

But look, you already hit her, what do you wanna do now?

Follow her out?

Leave nasty notes on her car?

- I mean...

- No!

Alicia's gonna be Alicia.

I expect that from her.

But you?

I bet even now, you're thinking about how great this is gonna be for the book!

Uh...

Oh wow!

Wow.

It is gonna be great for the book!

Who the f*ck are you right now?!

It...

it is gonna be good for the book!

♪ It is gonna be good for the book.

REPORTER: When the -year-old Coyne Realty sales rep hurled through the sky in a torrent of shattered glass.

JUNIPER: I think she's in here.

Nope, not here.

I'll tell her you called, Bianca.

REPORTER: ...is fully cooperating with the ongoing investigation.

You wanna tell me why I gotta keep lying

- to the mother of my egg?!

- Well, I'm sorry, but I don't know if you noticed, an employee d*ed under my watch.

I just don't know what to do, okay?

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um...

(CLEARS THROAT)

(EXHALES)

Look, I know you don't think that I'm intelligent or capable of dealing with like...

real sh*t, but I know when to ask for help.

And you... you need help.

I think it's a little late for help.

(SNIFFLES)

You're right, you can't save that kid.

But your business, that sh*t's still alive, it's just like, at the bottom of a well.

But you got nothin' but fancy friends who have rope and sh*t, who can pull you out.

So, mural of the story...

call one of 'em up.

Holy sh*t!

I'm a life coach.

Nice.

(SMALL LAUGH)

♪ Oh, I loved him for a while ♪

♪ If there's only change ♪

♪ Then nothing lasts ♪

- (FOOTSTEPS THUD)

- (MOURNFUL PIANO TUNE CONTINUES)

Alexa, add air freshener to my shopping list.

ALEXA: I've added air freshener to your shopping list.

- Okay.

Thank God.

- (KNOCKING)

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

When's the last time you left this room?

Who cares?

Nothing matters.

Look, I know you're going through a rough time right now.

And believe it or not, your Dad actually got dumped a lot before your Mom, so I know what you're going through.

Dad, please.

I'm too sad to hear obvious things right now.

Okay.

Well... you might find it hard to believe, but you're gonna get over this Bennett kid.

You're gonna find somebody else in this big, round, spherical, definitely overheating world.

Bennett was the love of my life.

I'm never gonna get over him.

Okay, that's it!

We're going out!

(GROANS)

Ow!

Child abuse!

...looks like it's going down.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I am very sorry to interrupt you, but there's an urgent matter you need to attend to,

- urgently.

- (SCOFFS)

- Can't it wait?

- I'm afraid not.

See, if it could wait, then it wouldn't be urgent.

Okay, uh, um...

folks, let's reconvene later, yeah?

Okay.

- Bye, Karen.

- (PHONES RING)

What's so important, Jenny?

Nothing important ever happens at Techcellent,

- you ding-dong.

- Is this about the other night, because I really don't wanna talk about it.

Then shut up, and take off your pants.

Ah, what the hell.

Yeah, you like what you see?

- Oh yeah.

- Do you...

- Uh-huh!

- ...gay boy!

I'm sorry, what'd you just say?

I'm f*cking with you, it's like, our thing.

- Right, okay, yeah.

- Yeah, you horny little h*m*!

Jenny, maybe just shut up.

Seriously, you want me to like,

- stick a finger in your butt?

- Are you still kidding?

Well, do you want me to be?

Or do you maybe want me

- to use my whole fist?

- Okay, Jesus, Jenny!

No!

Wait, what are...

oh!

What are you doing?

Why are you putting your pants on?

Because you're acting really weird, okay?!

(SCOFFS)

You, you don't get it.

I'm trying to be all the things for you.

No, you don't get it!

I gotta get back to work.

- Gah!

- Seriously?

Well, don't you at least want me to finish you off?

- I'm here, so...

- I'm good!

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

Anne, seriously, please call me back.

So Wynston just sent over Rat Girl images, and I laid them out on your desk.

- They're like, really good!

- Okay, thank you, Rosie.

Oh, also...

Hey, Frankie.

Oh.

Frankie, I um...

What are you doing here?

I came to ask for some help, but...

what the...

this is Rat Girl.

- Did you steal this from Rhoda?

- Okay...

I know how this looks, but let me just explain, because...

Explain what?

That this is purely coincidental, and has nothing to do with ripping off a five-year-old child's artwork?

- Wow!

- Hey, Frank...

Frankie?

(SIGHS)

f*ck!

(ANGRY EXHALE)

Here we go, a little sweet treat to sweeten the mood.

It feels good to be outside, doesn't it?

I guess.

Who eats figs with their frozen yogurt?

Same guy who enjoys being regular three times a day.

- Dad, gross!

- (LAUGHS)

- Oh my God!

- What?

Oh!

- Little right-wing turd!

- He already met somebody else?

Don't panic.

Don't panic!

Us, Carlsons, we always take the high road.

So we'll just pretend like he's not even here.

- Oh my God, he's coming over!

- What?!

Just be cool!

Be cool!

(CLEARS THROAT)

- Hey, Alice.

- (HUFFS)

Mr.

Carlson.

Uh...

- this is my girlfriend, Vivian.

- Hi.

Vivian, this is the girl who got me suspended.

- She uh, talked me into...

- That's not exactly

- what happened, you're...

- Alice!

I'm speaking.

Hey!

Don't talk to my daughter that way!

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.

You know, here's a thought, why don't you try teaching your daughter some manners, so I don't have to.

- (CHAIR CLANKS, PUNCHING THUD)

- Aah!

Oh!

- Oh my God!

Dad!

- Oh my God, I am so sorry!

I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

Do you, do you need some ice with that?

- What the hell, man?!

- (LAUGHS)

Honey!

- What are you doing?

- I don't even know!

- Just...

- Why were you spinning him?

- I thought it might disorient him!

- What'd he...

(TRAFFIC RUMBLES, HORNS HONK)

(SNIPPING SOUNDS)

Jesus, Jenny, what are you doing?

I'm woke, but I'm in pain.

Is this about that Peter Pan dude?

I'm just so confused right now.

I'm trying to embrace his inner pan, but it feels like everything I do is wrong.

Well, it sounds like you actually like this guy.

Duh!

Are you even listening?

God, it would just be so much easier if he didn't want to be with anybody else.

Okay, so have you tried telling him how you feel?

- What?

No!

- Why not?

Well, for the very obvious reason that he hasn't told me how he feels yet.

You poor little stunted dumb-dumb!

- Uh...

- You actually think you have to wait for him to tell you how he feels first?

That's...

that's so pathetic.

♪ - Ugh!

- (FOOTSTEPS THUD)

(GROANS)

Ohhh!

Ohhh!

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Ah!

Oh sh*t.

- Hello.

- TEACHER: Hello, Mrs. Foster?

I'm calling from St. Celine's, and I'm wondering if anybody will be picking up Charlie?

I'm so sorry, my husband was supposed to pick them up.

I'm on my way right now.

Oh, f*cking Nathan!

Unbelievable!

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

WOMAN: Hello?

Who am I speaking with?

(SIGHS)

Uh, who am I speaking with, and why do you have my husband's phone?

Ms.

Foster, I'm a nurse at Morningside Hospital.

Your husband has been in an accident.

What?

What happened?

Is, is he okay?

All the information I have right now is that he was out biking, and was hit by a car.

Oh my God!

He's currently in our emergency care.

- Oh my God!

- You know, if your husband is going to be out biking near sunrise, he really should be wearing reflective gear.

Ohhhhh sh...

(OVER PA)

Doctor, please dial .

Doctor, please dial ,

(NERVOUS EXHALES)

- Kate!

- Kate!

Oh my God, I'm so happy to see you guys!

- How's Nathan?

- Yeah, have you heard anything more?

Well, all I know is that he's in surgery right now.

Um, I just keep um...

oh God!

I keep picturing him lying there, you know, just alone, and just...

guts spilling out of him, you know?

His spleen rolling down the road.

Lying in a bed of shattered glass.

- Dude.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

- I just, like, what if?

You know?

I cannot be a single Mom.

I know some Moms are like, great at it, but I'm not one of those Moms, I can barely be a married Mom, so just...

Hey, look at me.

That is not gonna happen.

- Nathan is gonna be fine, okay?

- She's right, we gotta stay positive, put good vibes out

- into the universe.

- Okay, thank you.

I don't know what I'd do without you guys here, I mean...

after today I f*cked up so many times, I don't even know how to begin to say I'm sorry.

It's fine, it's all good.

We're gonna get through this together, no matter what.

No matter what.

- Mrs.

Foster?

- (GASPS)

I'm afraid there's no easy way to say this.

Oh my God.

It was a testicle tear.

A w...

- Later.

- Yeah, bye.

Huh?

Wait, where you guys going?

What happened to, "no matter what?"

DOCTOR: He also broke a rib, but the crux of the problem really is the testicles.

- Hi, guys.

- Oh my God!

I'm so sorry I was so short with you on the phone earlier, this is all my fault.

I feel...

like the ocean would be a really cool place to live.

- What the f*ck?

- Oh, painkillers.

Oh, gotcha.

We're gonna keep him overnight for observation.

Get those soldiers marching again.

Appreciate it.

And once you get him home, you'll have to change the dressing two or three times a day, But he will make a full recovery.

Eventually.

You heard what I said about the ocean, right?

- Oh yeah, no, I did.

- Yeah.

Good down there.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

♪ (KNOCKING)

What?

Mind if I come in?

It's not like I have a choice.

(BIG EXHALE)

I get it.

You must be pretty upset.

It can't have been easy to see Bennett with that other girl.

But you know he's kind of a douche, right?

I don't know.

I just...

liked the way he looked at me.

He seemed to really like me.

I know that's dumb.

No, that's not dumb at all.

But just so we're clear, what I did today was not cool.

Okay?

I shouldn't have lost my temper like that, and v*olence is never the answer.

- Well, he kinda deserved it.

- I know, he did, right?

But no.

No, no, no.

No, we don't hit kids.

And uh, we don't tell your Mother about your Dad hitting children.

- You liked it.

- Oh yeah, you got that right!

I mean, when you think about it, I had the disadvantage in the fight, after all, I...

I could've been seriously hurt.

He had youth on his side.

For one.

I have unsettlingly low bone density.

I mean, I take calcium, but I'm...

Wait, is something wrong with your bones?

What?

No!

No.

No, no, no, Honey.

I mean, probably, but the point is, don't give up hope.

There are a lot of great guys out there.

Yeah, Dad.

There are.

(SMALL LAUGH)

♪ (LOW HUM OF CHATTER)

(LAUGHS)

- (SIGHS)

- Jenny, what are you doing lingering outside my home like a psycho?

I need to talk to you.

Yeah, well, now's not exactly the time, I'm kind of on a date, so why don't you go home, yeah?

- No!

- What do you mean, "no?!" Look, this is hard for me, okay?

I apologize for all the stuff I said back at your office.

Obviously I don't get all of this pan stuff, but what I do know is that...

I don't wanna share you, okay?

Jenny, you're acting like a brat, okay?

I'm sorry, but you know the deal.

Come on, let's go.

- No, wait!

Stop!

- What?

I don't want to share you because...

(SIGHS)

because...

I'm pregnant.

What'd you just say?

♪ Are you f*cking with me?

I'm not.

sh*t!

Uh...

Hm...

(DOOR CLICKS OPEN)

- (DOOR SLAMS)

- Welcome home.

What are you doing here?

Look, I got two very tired kids that I gotta put down.

Well, I called your office, and Rosie told me what happened.

I'm really sorry.

Your husband gonna be okay?

Uh yeah, thanks.

No, he's gonna be fine.

- I-I appreciate your concern.

- Of course!

It was just a tear to the um...

- Well, it was a testicle tear.

- Oh!

Well, you guys had a good run.

It isn't the end of our marriage.

Well, good for you, way to stick that out.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, you've obviously got your hands full, but uh, I'm gonna leave you to it.

So if there's anything I can do, let me know.

- There is actually something.

- Okay.

I know how this is going to sound, but...

what would it take to let Anne out of her contract?

And drop Rat Girl?

It's not mine.

I stole it from a five-year-old,

- I know, I'm not proud of it.

- (LAUGHS)

Drop Rat Girl, are you kidding?

I'm thinkin' of being her for Halloween.

And as for Anne...

a contract's a contract.

Sloane, please, could you do this for me?

What is the end game here, Honey?

Is it working with me?

'Cause if it is, let me give you some advice.

Trying to work with your friends is like sticking your feet in two different boats.

You know how that ends, right?

You ever seen a cartoon?

Sure, it's like a middle splits situation.

That's right.

Pick a boat, Kate.

(SIGHS)

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, CAR ALARM BEEPS OFF)

(KEYS JINGLE)

- (ELLA CRIES OUT)

- Yeah, yeah, I'm comin'.

♪

(GROANS)

Oh, for God's sake.

Ah!

Anne?

Anne, are you in here?

♪

(SIGHS)

Guess it's time to pick a boat.

♪