08x15 - Bever-lé

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s, my dad and Barry shared a love

- of Philly sports teams...

- ALL: Oh!

- ...especially the Eagles...

- Yes!

...though you wouldn't always know it by the way they talked.

The Eagles are a giant steaming pile of crap.

They need to fire the coach, G.M., and the guy who carts off the players after they get injured.

Could he drive any slower?

It's a shame a pig had to die for this.

I hate my team so much!

What time should I come over to watch the game on Sunday?

The preshow starts at : .

- Don't be late.

- Okay.

And nothing mattered more than b*ating

my dad's best friend's team, the hated Cowboys.

Lord in the sky, if he misses this kick, I promise to live a just and pious life.

Except on my birthday.

And those evenings when the Asti Spumante hits Dolores just right.

Okay-kay-kay, let's lock arms to help him aim.

Come on.

Come on.

[Crowd cheers]

- Yeah!

- Oho-ho!

Yeah!

- All right!

- Never doubted it!

- All right!

- This is on you, big fella.

I'm converting to whatever Murray is.

Whatever you do, Bill, don't come crying to us.

I appreciate your concern, but I only allow myself one good cry a year, and I wasted it on the death of my father.

Hello?

Yes, there is a Losery Loser from Loserville here.

[Laughs]

It's for you, Bill.

Unlike the majestic eagle for which your team is named, you are not an honorable creature!

Good day!

- [Chuckles]

- We did it.

We're and .

Not mathematically eliminated yet.

Whoo-hoo!

Yep, the Eagles brought my dad and Barry together.

Until the following season,

when the unthinkable happened.

Everyone, shut up!

I have an announcement of international importance!

Barry, what is it?

What's wrong?

Let me catch my breath.

I ran here from my car.

And you had to go up three steps.

Oh!

Pins and needles!

Throw out that water.

Bring your brother some Hawaiian Punch.

No, this is my special water.

- Bar, what is it?

- I just heard a terrible rumor that NFL players are going on strike.

It's not a rumor, moron.

This is the single most terrible thing that's ever happened!

I was born in a wagon and didn't see a dentist till I was , but sure.

Darling, I can tell you're upset.

Come over here.

Let me nuzzle you and sing the calm-down song.

If you need me, I'll be in my room, punching and kicking my treasured possessions.

But it's just a stupid game.

- [Suspenseful music plays]

- What did you just say?

You can't hurt me!

Mom's here.

I can't help you.

He's too upset.

- Run, Schmoopie, run!

- [Roars]

- Whoa!

- Aah!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was March st, -something,

and my mom was playing her favorite sport...

haggling with salespeople.

So listen up, Deb.

You're gonna take this coupon, apply it to the existing discount, then hand me the sweater plus $ .

I'm getting the manager.

Great.

Go get Gerald.

[Chuckles]

It'll give me time to get mad.

Can we go?

I still have to exist in this society even when you're not around.

Erica, I will not pay a dollar more than the $ that I've already paid for that giant bag of new clothes.

Yep, my mom's bargaining ability had no equal,

with one exception.

Beverly Goldberg?

Oh, as I live and breathe.

Well, unfortunately, you still do.

[Laughs]

Hello, Jane Bales.

If you're wondering why the sales rack is empty, it's because this vulture already picked it clean.

Show her.

Oh, please.

I can get anything on sale I want.

I once made Chanel honor a McDonald's gift certificate.

Well, I once forced my way into Filene's Basement's basement.

[Chuckles]

It was filled with industrial air-conditioning equipment, which I bought for pennies on the dollar.

I bought our house for peanuts...

actual peanuts.

The guy worked with elephants, so it made sense.

Then why are you holding a blouse listed at full price?

Because my days of deal hunting are over.

I pay retail now.

[Dramatic chord plays]

Retail?

[Chuckles]

But that would give businesses you support a profit.

Don't care.

I now shop exclusively at the front of the store.

Seriously?

We speed past the front of the store.

There's so many happy people up there.

Smiling, laughing, happy people.

Well, we only seem happy because we are.

But how and why?

And why and how?

Simple.

I'm now the top saleswoman of a high-end French beauty company called Energé.

- It means...

- Dump truck.

- ...the vitality of youth.

- Exactly.

Wowza.

Sales must be good.

They are magnifique, which means...

- Magnifying glass.

- ...magnificent.

- You were close.

- The secondary meaning.

I've never seen an unslashed price tag before.

It's so crisp.

I never even look at those anymore.

- Oh!

- Mama, take me to the front of the store, please.

Never!

I mean, we have to go up there to exit, but stop poisoning my baby's mind, Jane Bales.

Fine.

Enjoy scraping the bargain bin for odds and ends.

Au revoir.

And that means "suck it, losers." Bye.

Damn it!

Such a beautiful language.

While my mom was feeling down,

Barry called my dad to say, "What's up?"

- Hey, Dad.

- What's wrong?

Why are you calling?

Were you arrested?

What?

No, I was just wondering if I should come over this Sunday.

W-Why?

There's no football.

Wait.

Is it your mother's birthday?

Whatever you got her, put my name on it.

No, I was just thinking we could still hang out and chat.

About old football games?

Sure, or whatever.

You're acting weirder than usual.

I gotta go.

And just like that, it seemed the clock had run out

on Barry's relationship with our dad,

until a Hail Mary somehow landed in his lap.

REPORTER: Major news today... the NFL owners have decided

to finish the season with replacement players.

- [Click]

- I trust you heard the news, and I'm sure we're all thinking the same thing.

That this is a vicious ploy by the NFL to undermine labor unions?

No, that I should try out for the replacement Eagles!

Who better than me?

Someone that's played organized football before?

So, Barry, you're just gonna call up the Eagles and announce you want to play for them?

I already did that, and they very rudely informed me they're having open tryouts.

You're really doing this?

And we're just gonna ignore the potential life-altering injuries you might suffer?

Shhhh, Matt Bradley.

Men are talking.

Soon, I'll be giving postgame interviews in just a towel and fending off sexy sideline reporters.

What a fun bunch of steps to skip!

Well, if nothing else, your dad will be into it.

I'm doing this solely for my love of the game.

- Bar...

- This has nothing to do with my father's missing love.

Heisman!

Hyah!

Look how fast!

Dad, I'm trying out for the Eagles, and I want you to train me.

- [Laughs]

- [Laughs]

And what's so funny?

You being trained by Murray?

It's the blind leading the tragically immobile.

Your father can barely coach a nacho chip into his mouth.

Look at his shirt.

For your information, Bill, my dad was a star football player back in high school.

Did he go to an all-girls school?

[Chuckles]

Whoops.

That felt sexist.

Uh, God bless women and their tiny bones.

Oh, I did it again.

Um, ladies good.

I wasn't a star, but I did do some long snapping.

Are you serious?

He was the silent hero of the interior line's special teams unit.

And I'm gonna follow in his footsteps.

But I'll be super famous and will be on the cover of the first all-male Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

No chance.

Your mom will k*ll me.

Mom only hates football because the helmets hide our faces.

Come on, Murray, the boy has clearly been dreaming about this for a couple of hours.

Saying no will destroy his afternoon.

Or possibly ours, when he throws one of his famous hissy fits.

- Not gonna happen.

- Or maybe Murray won't help because he actually never played.

[As Murray]

I'm Murray Goldberg.

I love TV and chairs.

- [Laughs]

- And everyone's a moron!

Toss me the ball.

- Wait, wait.

- [Normal voice]

What?

- What's happening?

- [Chuckles]

And why is he moving?

When I say "go," toss that pillow across the room.

Oh, my God, he's breaking in half!

- Oh, no, he's just bending over.

- [Laughs]

Go!

[Heroic music plays]

- [Whoosh]

- [Thud]

- Moses in the reeds!

- Was it sh*t out of a cannon?

Boom!

My dad is, and always will be, a super jock.

Right, Dad?

Everybody leave.

You don't want to see me get out of this.

ADULT ADAM: As my dad bent over backwards

to prove his friends wrong,

Erica and I were doing our own problem-solving.

Damn it!

Why won't this stupid thing work?

Probably because you're hitting it like that.

You got to hit it like this.

With the whackin' book.

Whackin' book?

It fixes more than it breaks.

Fear not, children.

Soon Madame Mama will buy you hundreds of televisions.

That seems like too many.

And why are you dressed like Sam Kinison?

This outfit is French.

Energé wants their saleswomen to represent their le brand.

You joined Jane Bales' company?

More like Beverly Goldberg's company.

That's what they're gonna call it as soon as I outsell that screechy scarecrow.

Wait.

Does that mean you're no longer the Quaker Warden at my school?

I am gonna have to scale back my hours a little bit so I can bring home the French Benjamins...

AKA francs.

Whatever this is, you have my full support.

Then go get me all the names and phone numbers of your friends' moms so I can hawk them stuff until they go broke.

Desperate times.

I'll go grab you a pen.

Mom, how much do you really know about this Energé?

Only that they're the finest straight-to-market French beauty company around.

- Why?

- I don't know.

It just seems like most jobs that involve getting rich quick are usually scams.

You should be more worried about the poor saps I'll be selling to.

[Chuckles]

Which reminds me...

There's no chance I'm giving you the numbers of anyone I know.

Then I'll just do it the French way...

through la séduction.

As my mom went to make a sale,

Barry was looking to profit

from my dad's football expertise.

[Chuckling]

Yeah.

Look at this.

Oh, to be young and delusional about one's athletic ability.

Yep, I'm blessed.

- What's first, Coach Dad?

- Don't call me that.

And I'm not helping you until you show me a tiny bit of skill and a willingness to listen.

I'll show you times that.

- Oh!

- Professional hike!

Oh!

[Groans]

I need that mirror!

How will I merge?

That's it.

I'm out.

Coach Dad, please, give me one more sh*t.

Oh, come on, Mur.

Throw him a tip or two and see how he does.

[Chanting]

Throw him a tip.

BOTH: Throw him a tip!

- Hey.

- Throw him a tip!

Okay, fine!

Get in your stance.

Not like that.

Be like, uh, a dog digging up sand at the beach.

But dogs aren't allowed on beaches.

It's true, and if you're caught, it's a hefty fine.

Beaches can be stressful environments for dogs...

the heat, the lack of shade...

and noise can trigger all sorts of unfortunate behavior.

I love our furry friends, but let's keep beaches fun and safe for people first.

Enough with the beach report.

Just pretend you're a human digging like a dog at the beach.

Now, that I can do.

[Heroic music plays]

Tuck in your chin.

Raise up your tailbone.

Close your eyes and imagine the perfect spiral.

Snap at the belt!

Great Vince Lombardi's ghost!

This is how people felt watching the moon landing.

It's a massive overstatement, but it was still surprising.

So, Dad, will you mold me into a football god that's a role model to young kids everywhere?

Even though that's really a parent's job.

Take it easy, okay?

You had one good snap.

We got a lot of work to do.

[Laughing]

Oh!

He said "we." It's happening!

Victory spike!

- Whoo!

- Oh!

Barry was preparing for his big NFL tryout,

and every moment was an opportunity to train.

Hey, Bar, toss me a plum.

No, no, no, no, no.

Snap it to him.

You know it, Coach Dad.

Plum comin' in!

Boom!

That's a papaya.

Professional hike!

- [Thud]

- Apple.

Yi!

- [Glass breaks]

- Pear!

Yi!

- [Clatter]

- Tangelo!

You know what might be a nice lesson, Coach Dad?

The difference between a banana and a plum.

Thanks to my dad, Barry was starting to improve.

- Hike!

- And before long...

- Hike!

- ...long-snapping was a snap.

Ow!

So cold!

- Whoo!

- [Bleep]

You said we were tasting ice cream!

- Ow!

- Ew!

Mr.

Goldberg, you have the power to stop this!

- Yeah, I do.

- Yep, with football to focus on,

Barry and my dad were back on solid ground.

Nachos... is it a meal, is it a snack?

Either way, it's a great way to celebrate a child crossing a labor dispute.

There he is.

I got something I want to give you before you hit the gridiron.

More hiking knowledge, Coach Dad?

Better than that.

My old butt towel.

I don't know what to say.

Mostly 'cause I don't understand what that is.

I used to wear this when I played, to wipe off the ball before I snapped it, and I want you to have it.

I'd be honored to wipe a ball with the towel that's been on your butt.

Don't make a father giving his son his butt towel weird.

Wow.

I've never seen your old man give a gift to anyone.

It's pretty special.

When I win the Super Bowl, he'll be the second person I thank, right after my wife, Paula Abdul Goldberg.

The person you should be thanking is the good Lord above for watching over you and making sure that you are not violently k*lled tomorrow.

But long snapper's one of the safest positions on the field.

There's no such thing on the cruel and unforgiving gridiron.

In high school, I got tackled so hard, I lost three days.

I missed Ann-Margret on "The Flintstones" as Ann-Margrock.

Also, my grandmama's funeral.

You see this dent in my skull?

I got that from my time on the turf.

Now I can taste colors and smell feelings.

[Sniffing]

Sad.

As Vic and Bill spooked my brother...

- [Doorbell rings]

- ...my mom was looking

to scare up a few new customers.

Oh!

Judas the Betrayer!

What did you just spray in my face?!

Bon-Bon Boudoir.

It's a skin toner.

I'll put you down for four bottles.

Is the rest of the herd here?

Ladies!

[Singsong voice]

I hope you brought your checkbooks.

[Laughs]

- [Gasps]

- [Normal voice]

Jane Bales!

Hello, Beverly.

I've heard that we're co-workers, which is great, because every team needs a scrub.

The only thing I'm going to scrub is the floor, with my sales numbers.

This is awkward.

Uh, we just bought a whole bunch of stuff from Jane.

Anyway, gotta run, which I do often.

Hence my exquisite frame.

- [Chuckles]

- Toodles, my poodles.

What the [bleep]

[bleep]?!

I was supposed to be the one to force you into buying things you don't want!

We know, but then Jane arrived, and she's so pushy and terrifying.

She said there was a new sheriff in town, and it's her.

Then she showed us an actual badge.

I think she might be the sheriff.

Are you more scared of her than you are of me?

Goodness no.

No, no.

You frighten the crap out of us.

I once screamed when I thought I saw your shadow.

Thank goodness it was just a circus clown in my driveway.

Good.

Then I'll put you all down for our new Rose Petal Body Mist.

Sorry, but I've reached my spending limit.

Same.

I don't want Lou to give me that unhappy look.

I have a product that'll keep Lou so happy with your face, he'll forget all about your body.

What's wrong with our bodies?

Nothing that a super-secret product that only I have access to won't fix.

- We're not falling for that.

- What is it?

Tell me!

I, too, want to hear about the super-secret product!

May I present Rolé-Polé.

That kind of sounds like "roly-poly." I don't hear it.

It's a new supplement designed to help you slim down without using an ounce of energy.

I don't know, Beverly.

There's an awful lot of weird ingredients in here.

What's hummingbird extract?

Relax.

I wouldn't sell you anything I wouldn't take myself.

Now, come on, let's all look years younger together.

[Laughs]

Soon, the French mystery pill was working.

- Ah.

- Really, really working.

- My fingers are tingly.

- Why is my foot tapping?

It makes you kinda drowsy.

- Oh, wait!

Now it's the opposite.

- This may sound crazy, but who's up for organizing Ginzy's pantry?!

- Me!

- So in!

You want to see how high I can kick?!

- Yeah!

- Do it again!

- Go!

- Do it!

- Aah!

- And from there,

things only got weirder.

Nothing like a little group speedwalk to help break up the day.

A run would also feel good.

I'm super cold but sweaty.

Let's run hard.

Linda's just nodding 'cause she can't move her jaw, but I say yes, too!

While my mom was amped,

Barry wasn't exactly pumped for his tryout.

Why won't Big Tasty come out?

Because I don't want to die, you idiots!

Do you see the size of these guys?!

Yeah, Bar.

Football players are large.

That's kinda what they're known for.

I'm not sure I can go through with this tryout.

There's my boy.

You came?

You don't come to stuff.

Of course I did, you moron!

We're in this together!

We are in this together.

I mean, it's my body out there, but I can see how you might have some interest in how this all turns out.

Yeah, I do.

Break a leg.

♪♪ You know, Mur, a week ago, if you told me that your son could make the Eagles, uh, I'd say you were crazy.

- [Whistle blows]

- [Players grunting]

- Ew!

- Oh, my God!

That little guy got bent in ways no human should bend!

The human elbow's not located there.

- COACH: Next!

- Crap.

[Whistle blows]

It was then Barry realized he was in too deep.

So, instead of trying out...

- Never mind!

- ...he did this.

- Move, please.

- What's he doing?

- [Whistle blows]

- As Barry was running

from a violent collision...

- Good hustle.

- ...my mom was dealing

with a crash of her own.

Nothing!

Who wants to know?!

- You're acting strange.

- Oh.

And are you wearing the same clothes from yesterday?

Gosh, you're loud.

Why is it so bright in here?

Were you out all night, young lady?

I always wondered what this side of it felt like, and it turns out it's as boring as I thought.

If you must know, I was up all night closing deals.

Then I did two exercise videos and read "The Thorn Birds." That sounds like a lot.

Not when you have these French wonder vitamins.

They are...

[smooches]

superbe.

Does that mean amphetamines?

This article in today's paper says that your beauty company uses speed in its diet pills.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I feel amazing, and I've barely eaten or slept in three days.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi!

Is your mom in?

We just need more body-shaping supplements.

You know, for our health?

Uh, Beverly, your loyal customers are here.

I got cash from the register at the flower shop.

Yeah, ladies, I don't think this is a good idea.

Give me more pills now, please!

- No!

- Aaah!

Are you happy now?

I just wanted to make some extra dough, not turn my gal pals into druggies!

They do look amazing, though.

Mom, when did making money become so important?

I don't know.

Maybe... w-when we saw Jane Bales at Gimbels.

So, this is all because you're jealous that she shops in the front of the store?

I'm not jealous that she pays retail.

I'm jealous that she's got her own money.

I'm jealous that she doesn't have to worry about spending her husband's.

And I'm jealous of the way you were looking at her.

- Mom...

- Exactly.

I'm a mom.

More than anything, a mom who wants to be a role model for her daughter.

Instead, I'm just a drug dealer.

[Knock on door]

Open the freakin' door now!

My mom was ready to give up her dream of financial freedom,

but not before Erica could make a big sale.

Mom, if you have a minute, I would like to pitch you a new product that will change your life.

- [Sighs]

- Wow!

That sounds like a tall order.

Tell us more.

May I present...

the Bever-lé.

It looks amazing.

What does the Bever-lé do?

Well, the real question is, what doesn't she do?

She runs a household, she works at a school, and she cares for three ungrateful children.

They look terrible!

Except for the young one.

He's got a Harrison Ford quality.

Stick to the script, or I will hurt you.

B...

Clearly, the Bever-lé must have help.

You would think so, but this is her life partner.

She accomplished all that tied to a human anchor in a La-Z-Boy?

What's the catch?

Well, there is one thing.

Sometimes the Bever-lé is prone to questioning whether or not she sets a good example for her daughter.

If that happens, what do you do?

Well, you assure her that you can't think of a stronger, more caring, often terrifying role model to aspire to, regardless of how much money she makes.

[Crying]

I'm the richest woman in the world!

All of this can be had for easy payments of...

She's crying, Adam.

We're done.

Oh!

That was the greatest sales presentation ever.

It's easy when you believe in the product.

You know, um, I still have some drug money to unload.

What do you say we go buy you some new clothes...

at full price.

♪♪ Hey!

You drove away before we could talk.

I brought shame on the family like a disgraced samurai.

And if I hadn't broken my sword last year attacking that anthill, I would've done the honorable thing.

Okay.

[Sighs]

So, you're not a replacement Eagle.

There's no shame in not wanting your head knocked off.

So, you're not disappointed?

Are you kidding?

I had a blast teaching you my old snapping tricks.

I guess I'm just worried, without football, we have nothing in common.

Barry, we have everything in common.

You're my kid.

So, you'd want to hang out, even when there's no game on?

I love the Eagles...

but my true joy is you.

♪♪ So, what do you want to talk about?

I don't know.

I...

Anything, everything.

What are you interested in?

[Sighs]

Nunchucks, the vocal stylings of Big Daddy Kane.

[Chuckles]

I melted a Nerf Ball with a blowtorch.

- We'll find something.

- ♪ Oh, oh ♪ Sure, it can be hard to find common ground

- with the people we love.

- ♪ I wanna be with you everywhere ♪ It's not visible to the naked eye, but this skirt has irregular stitching.

- ♪ Oh, oh ♪ - I'll get the manager.



But sometimes the things that drive us nuts...

You embarrassed of me?

Always.

...are also what makes them special.

What ya doin' today?

Whole lot of nothin'.

Maybe I'll stop by.

We can do nothin' together.

- Sounds good to me.

- ♪ Oh, oh ♪ In the end, if we tackle

life's biggest challenges together,

there's no way we can lose.

♪♪ ADAM: Mom's putting on her makeup.

The finesse.

- The curl on the lip.

- [Laughs]

Dad, hurry, it's almost kickoff!

[Sighs]

Maybe I should have tried out.

Probably for the best.

I've had a headache for years.

Oh, [scoffs]

that's nothin'.

I can turn this foot all the way around like an owl's head.

I got hit so hard on a crossing route, I was legally dead for minutes.

Try .

I saw my granny on a cloud.

She told me to rub some dirt on it and then go block somebody.

I took a helmet to the stomach so hard, I no longer have a belly button.

I don't have any toes.

This isn't baldness.

I got the hair tackled right off of my head.

- [Gasps]

- Why do they let anyone play this game?

- 'Cause it's the best.

- So many good memories.

I love it.