06x04 - The Acid Queen

[bunniefuu]

Guys, guess what I just heard in the ladies' bathroom?

Fez, what were you doing in the ladies' bathroom?

Oh, spying, eating lunch, you know.

I heard two girls say they did not want to go to college as virgins.

Yeah, I caught that wave last year.

So I'm thinking, if horny virgins are dying for sex, then a-hunting horny virgins I will go.

By the way, Fez, it's not pronounced virgin, it's pronounced vir-gin.

I thought it was virgin?

No, no. Hyde's right. It's vir-gin.

Oh, now I will not sound stupid in front of the beautiful vir-gins.

Oh, my God!

That's... That's the girl.

That's the one I made it with at the Molly Hatchet concert.

That's Brooke.

Man, no one sleeps with that Brooke.

When we were sophomores and she was a senior, she turned down her science teacher, and he drove a Corvette.

Yeah, she was like some kind of mythical creature, like a unicorn.

It's weird, it seems like she's moving too fast.

It's probably cause all my memories of her are in super jiggle sexy slo-mo.

Well, all I know is, that's her, and I did it with her, and I'll prove it.

Hey, Brooke.

Yeah, I know this is kind of awkward, but could you tell my friends over there

about you and me at the Molly Hatchet concert?

Do I know you?

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt but...

Burn!

It's me, Michael, from the concert.

I've been looking for you for weeks, and I think you were so blissed out, and that does happen, that you gave me the wrong phone number.

But the good news is, I wasn't a dream.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

No, Michael Kelso.

"Let's do it in the men's room, it's more romantic."

No, wait...

I kicked that kid out of the handicapped stall so we could have more room!

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

What is Brooke's deal, man?

I mean, most girls lie about doing it with me when they haven't.

This... The... Everything is backwards.

Yeah, this is just like Freaky Friday, but unlike that charming little movie, your story has no basis in fact.

It does, too, except it's just the girl is avoiding me.

I mean, how do you get a girl to come to you when you repulse her?

Yeah, Eric?

Well, I like to put a hot dog on the end of a stick and hide in the bushes, so...

Donna, so how do you know Brooke, anyway?

Did you guys jump out of a cake together or something?

Yeah! No, moron.

When she was a senior we worked on the school paper together.

I think you know Brooke 'cause there's a secret club in this town made up of all the hot girls.

It's the secret hot girls club.

There's no secret hot girls club.

Believe me, I'd know.

Uh-huh. Well, I'm gonna take off.

I have to get to my secret hot girls meeting.

Oops!

Why doesn't Brooke like me?

I am a gentleman.

Oh, yeah, you lied about doing it with a hot girl in the men's room.

You're Cary Grant.

Steven, you've been quiet.

Do you think Brooke's hot?

Do you really want me to answer that question?

Oh, I think we all do.

Steven, it's no big deal.

Do you think she's hot?

Oh, well, I guess since you're not setting a trap, I can answer honestly.

Yeah, she's freaking hot.

A-ha! See, I trapped you.

Now take it back or I'll pinch you.

Jackie, if you pinch me, it's gonna cause a serious problem in this relationship.

Fine.

Ow!

Oh, hey, Jackie.

Are any of your college-bound friends vir-gins?

It's pronounced virgins, Fez.

What? But, no, but Hyde said...

Oh, you magnificent bastard.

Sorry, buddy.

By the way, it's pronounced bas-tard.

Fez, if you wanna find virgins, go where ugly girls pray to get pretty, the local House of Worship.

House of Worship?

Are you sure you don't mean the House of Pies?

No, Fez, I mean the House of Worship.

I'm going to the House of Pies.

So, how's it going at Point Place Junior College?

Well, the education's not too great, but the upside is it's next to the Dairy Queen.

First day of class, we all got free Peanut Buster Parfaits.

Ooh!

Hey, guys.

Kelso, what are you doing?

I'm looking for Brooke's phone number.

I mean, why won't she admit that we did it?

Kelso, there are racehorses and there are donkeys, and you are a great donkey. You are, like, top donkey.

But she's a racehorse, and guess what?

She don't want no donkey.

She might.

Look, we had a great time together, and not just 'cause of the sex part, but because we had a really great time.

Donna, please help me find her.

Okay, I'll give you a hint about where she works.

It's in a quiet building, you could try to check her out on a date, but she's probably booked for the future.

She's a travel agent?

She translated her love of books into a career.

She's a translator.

She's the translator, not me, Donna.

You know, enough with these brain teasers.

You tell me where Brooke works, and I'll return your underpants to safety.

Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?

A collector never stops collecting, Eric.

The library, Kelso. She works in the library.

Now will you put my underwear back, you perv?

I lied.

Wow, those male actors are gorgeous.

You know, I think that Robert Redford is so hot.

He's hotter than the sun.

He's extremely handsome.

You know who I think is sexy?

James Caan in The Godfather.

Now, if he made me an offer, I sure couldn't refuse.

Yowza!

Do you mind?

I'm sorry.

I thought we were having a conversation.

You know what, Steven? I actually think that every guy on TV, and in life, is hotter than you.

Jackie, I know what you're doing, okay?

I said Brooke was hot, and now you're totally insecure.

Oh, I am not insecure, okay?

This is a designer sweater, this is designer eye shadow, and those are designer shoes, and they make me feel incredibly secure.

You know who else I like?

That little fellow who plays Columbo.

I just wanna give him a bath.

Steven, why can't you just say that Brooke's not hot?

It's common relationship courtesy.

If you can't do this, what will you do when I'm old and ask you if I have crow's feet around my eyes?

By the way, that's already starting.

You've never been in a relationship, have you, son?

What, when she asked if Brooke was hot, I should have lied and said, "No"?

Being honest and screwing yourself is clearly the better plan.

Sweetie, white lies help relationships.

Like, "Kitty, even though your pot roast was overdone, "I still loved it."

Oh, for the love of God, I did love it.

You're a pot roast genius, okay?

It was like eating gold.

So, you're saying lying is good?

Exactly.

Now go do the right thing, and lie to the woman you love.

Red, this is crazy, right?

Yeah, they're all nuts.

Except you, sweetheart.

Look at all the smart, lonely girls.

Little ones, big ones. It's like a virgin pumpkin patch.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like an order of books, please.

Could you be more specific?

Could you be more beautiful?

Could you be more lame?

Yes.

Excuse me, I'm trying to read.

Don't be a sissy.

You know what?

Here's a firecracker, go live a little.

Thanks.

Look, I know why you're here and I'm sorry, you're not my type.

I was high school valedictorian and you're the antithesis of that.

The anti-who of what?

Exactly.

Okay. No, come on. Don't be like that, okay?

Look, I really like you, and I just thought that maybe we could go out some time, like, for coffee. And then, if that went good, then we could go to a movie.

And then, when we really start to trust each other, you can tell my friends how we did it at the Molly Hatchet concert.

Look, I don't make it with guys at concerts.

I read two periodicals a week about the Dewey Decimal system, which I'm sure you've never heard of.

Okay, I have heard of Dewey Decimal.

It's Donald Duck's nephew.

I can't believe Brooke.

I mean, standing there at the library, totally resisting me.

I can't believe we have a library.

I know, what is it, like, invisible?

No, no, you know that parking lot where we drink beer in?

Okay, well, you know that wall that we lean up against?

That's the library.

Oh!

Well, then guess who has peed on the library?

You know what? For the first time in my life, I hope that there's not a secret hot girls club, because if there is, I bet Brooke said awful things about me at their last meeting.

Order, b*tches.

The secret hot girls club is now in session.

Now, last meeting we all decided to go braless, and I just wanna report that Operation Bazooma Bounce is driving the boys insane. Ah!

Hi, my name is Brooke and I've been a hot girl for 6 years.

Hi, Brooke.

And I just wanna let everyone know that Michael Kelso asked me out, and I resisted his charms and turned him down.

But he's irresistible. That's what I thought, but it's a lie.

A lie, I tell you.

Then it's official.

No secret hot girl will ever date Michael Kelso ever again.

Okay, that's great, that's great.

Now this calls for dancing bubble kiss time.

Kelso, there is no secret hot girls club.

Well, of course, the president won't admit it.

You know, I don't care if there's a club or not, dancing bubble kiss time is just a fabulous idea.

Well, all I know is that Brooke and I had a romantic night together at the concert.

Why is she pretending like it didn't happen?

Well, maybe she's embarrassed.

I mean, she's used to dating really brainy guys.

Yeah, not guys who set their own pants on fire.

On a dare.

And I won a dollar.

Kelso, if you want Brooke to like you, you know, maybe you should go to the library and show her you can be smart. I hate the library.

The only good thing about it is that you can check out Playboys.

I mean, they have every issue since it started.

Wait, every issue?

Are you telling me that they have the one with Pamela Sue Martin, television's Nancy Drew, in a grotto, straddling the world's luckiest boulder?

They have periodicals, you say?

What is wrong with Steven?

I mean, why won't he just say Brooke's not hot?

Because he doesn't know how to lie.

He's an orphan.

He never had a mother to teach him how.

I mean, how do I know he loves me if he doesn't obey me?

Well, you've chosen a strong man, Jackie, and they don't always obey.

Now, do I think he should have said that other girl wasn't pretty? Yes.

But you have to pick your battles.

Wait, no, I wanna be right all the time.

And you will be.

After a few years they just... They give up.

Okay, watch.

Red, could you go to the drug store and get me a Ladies' Home Journal?

But I just...

It's all frosty.

Oh, crap!

Jackpot, my friend.

Not only did I get Nancy Drew, but I also got Margot Kidder, Superman's Lois Lane, in an outfit that, let's just say, you don't need x-ray vision to appreciate.

Get those out of here, man.

I'm trying to impress Brooke with my intelligence.

Here she comes.

Say, Eric, this encyclopedia of scientific terms has really taught me something.

See, by lifting this encyclopedia of scientific terms above my head, I'm using my body's stored energy,

also known as uranium.

Um, actually, it's known as calories, but I do believe at some point you were exposed to radiation.

All right, look, I don't know what you have against me, but I'm not leaving here until I convince you to go out with me.

That's the man who gave me the firecrackers, Mom.

I gotta run.

You wanna check something out?

No. Is there someone else that can help me?

Like a man.

So, you wanna check out those Playboys, or not?

Okay, fine.

I'm a man. I would like these Playboys.

Well, you can't have them.

I want you to get in your car, buy some flowers, give them to Donna, and thank God an actual live woman lets you touch her.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, Steven, I think I figured out a way to end this situation where everybody wins.

Now, listen to this question carefully.

Is there anyone you said was hot, like Brooke, who you really don't think is hot, like Brooke?

Well, I could lie and say yes.

Then do it. I don't care if you don't mean it.

It's the words that count.

Jackie, I'm not gonna lie.

Fine. Then you know what? I don't know how to fix this.

Pick your battles...

Fine.

Steven, I don't care if you think she's hot, because that's how you really feel.

Thank you.

Hey, Steven, will you go to the drug store and get me a Vogue magazine?

But I just...

It's gonna melt.

Crap!

Well, my plan to have sex with virgins failed.

So I've widened my search from virgins to everyone.

Basically, you're back to where you started this morning.

Not really, I had some pie.

I've done less in a day.

Well, Donna, turns out Brooke doesn't like intelligent men.

Kelso, you didn't have sex with her, man, just let it go.

Michael, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, about what?

About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.

Excuse me.

Burn!

Burn!

Burn! Burn!

Burn! Burn!

Burn.

We totally did it!

Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.

I never touched her.

Psst! Kid, hey, see this?

That's a Playboy.

And inside are things beyond your wildest dreams, magical, glorious things.

So if I toss it in your book and you check it out for me, I'll let you have a look-see. What do you say?

You're pathetic. Just go buy a Playboy, you loser.

Loser? Hey, I'm not the one reading Hardy Boys.

For your information, the stolen money was hidden in the grandfather clock!

Who's the loser now?