06x23 - My Wife

[bunniefuu]

Forman, your bachelor party's tonight.

We're going to a strip club, so don't forget your inhaler.

Come on, Hyde. I don't need a silly bachelor party.

Oh, come on, man. Be one last night of the finest debauchery that Point Place has to offer.

Hyde, all I need is my sweetie here for the rest of my life.

It's all right, Eric. You can go.

All right! I'm gonna see nudies!

Oh, Eric, you're not going to one of those hoochie mama shows, are you?

Don't worry, Mrs. Forman. I'll return your son in the same slightly girly condition that he leaves in.

So, Donna, you and the gals getting together for a big shindig?

Well, Jackie might be planning...

No, wait. She doesn't do things for other people.

Well, let me plan your bachelorette party.

Oh, we went absolutely bonkers at mine.

All my girlfriends came over for a sewing bee, and then my friend Gloria gave me my first sip of hard cider.

Boy, you girls are crazy.

Well, back then, we had some morals, not like you girls today...

Loose, throwing it around town like the paperboy. j&j&

Donna, why am I blindfolded? because I have a big surprise for you.

Okay, you ready?

Isn't it awesome?

We're gonna spray-paint our names on a trailer?

All right!

No, I put a deposit on it so we can live here.

Eric, it's gonna be our very own.

Oh, how romantic. I can just see Donna carrying you over that threshold.

So come on.

I know you always dreamed about having a home of your own.

Well, I guess I should have been more specific.

Um, no, no. You know what? This is nice. It's nice.

Donna, this is great!

Steven, if you ever rent me a trailer, I will dump you in a second.

Good to know. I need an exit strategy.

See, now if we all turn this way...

There. See? Room for everybody.

See? Now this is the closeness I've been craving.

Whose hand is that?

Mine. Mine.

Oh, man. Look at this tiny shower.

Donna, I don't think there's room in there for you to soap your chest like we like.

Donna...

...are you sure you want to live in Point Place?

I always thought you wanted to leave town.

Well, Eric, that's when I was single.

But now that we're getting married, I want to settle down and start our lives together.

Yeah, but I always thought...

You smell pretty. Okay.

Look, can we do this in private?

Bathroom's free.

Um, actually, I was just, uh, heading there.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

Let me just get the, uh, curtain.

Okay, I can't do this with all you listening.

Somebody's gonna have to sing.

Fez, you sing.

I can't do both at the same time.

Please hurry! j& On the good ship j& j& Lollipop j& j& It's a sweet trip j& j& To the candy shop j& j& Where the bonbons play... j&

I had a large soda. j& On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay j& j& Hangin' out j& j& Down the street j& j& The same old thing j& j& That you did last week j& j& Not a thing to do j& j& But talk to you j& j& We're all all right j& j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

j&j&

So it's ours starting today.

I signed the lease for a year.

Donna, all you ever talked about was seeing the world, and my dad's better now. I mean, we can get out.

Well, I don't wanna get out.

I just want to focus on doing this marriage thing right, and I think that means curling up every night next to you on that dining room table that doubles as a bed.

Well, the good news is, if you guys do decide to travel, you can always drive your house to any number of vacation destinations.

Yeah, and if you ever want to rearrange your furniture, all you gotta do is slam on the brakes.

Hold everything.

I believe that is the ice cream man.

Oh, wait. Look, he's turning around!

No! No, come back! We're not from here!

We won't rob you!

Oh...

I mean, it's pretty here.

There's lots of open space.

I'm coming in, Tracy! There better not be anyone in there with ya!

Hey, the neighbors seem really nice.

Just tell him you're naked 'cause... I don't know.

That's why I'm climbing out the window.

Casey Kelso? Hey! Pinciotti.

Casey, I thought you left town after going out with Donna and then breaking up with her so she had to settle for Eric.

Yeah, well, I found my way back.

Hey, For-play.

You been working out?

Oh, um, well, yeah, a few days a week. Oh, man, I'm just kidding.

Okay. Well, it's not funny. He's huge.

Things are great.

Eric and I are getting married. I'm on the radio... "Hot Donna."

You might've heard people talking, wishing they could date me, that kind of stuff.

Yeah, I mean, Donna hasn't thought about you at all, although Eric's mom still asks about you.

Then she kind of giggles and fans herself.

You! You get back here!

Hey, little advice... Never answer the phone when you're with a married lady. j&j&

See, Forman? Now at the bachelor party you can hold a beer even after you've lost the ability to hold a beer from drinking all the beer.

I like it.

Kind of makes me wonder why God didn't just make us this way from the start, you know?

Don't worry, man.

Evolution will take care of it.

Hey, Steven, I took out all the $1 bills from your wallet, so now you have nothing to tip the strippers with.

All I have left is this $20?

Jeez, I'll never be able to get change for this.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

I spent all afternoon in front of the mirror.

Then I realized it was time to get dressed.

Fez, you don't have to look nice, all right?

Strippers like everybody.

They're raised that way on special farms out west.

Okay, Eric, I talked to my boss down at the radio station, and I told him we were staying in town, and I said that if he wanted to keep me, he would have to put me on the air full-time, and he went for it! "Hot Donna" every day on WFPP.

Oh! Oh, Donna, that's amazing. All you had to do is ask?

Oh, and I tied my shirt up in one of those sexy knots.

Yeah, Jackie does that.

We have never paid to get into Six Flags.

Wait. But, Donna, if you take this job, how are you gonna...

Why are you waving a mug at me?

I'm sorry. How are you gonna find time for college?

I don't know. I'll just stop going.

Eric, I'm a deejay. I already have the kind of job I was going to college to get.

Yeah, college sucks anyways.

It's all smart people, and none of them are as pretty as me.

Yeah, that's true.

Half the people in this room ought to be in magazines.

Only half, though, and the rest of you know who you are.

Eric, we both have jobs. We have a great place to live.

We're gonna have the perfect life in Point Place.

Huh. That's funny. I've never heard the words "perfect life" and "Point Place" used in the same sentence...

Oh, except when separated by the phrase

"As soon as I get the hell out of."

All right. We gentlemen have a place to be.

So unless you ladies are gonna finally take your clothes off to music...

Last chance?

No? Okay. j&j&

Wow, Mrs. Forman, you can really whip up a party in no time.

And we have activities.

Okay, now watch.

You tie the ribbon in a bow, and voil�, decorative bags of almonds.

We'll make 300 to pass out at the wedding.

Wait, this is Donna's bachelorette party?

What other manual labor are we gonna do?

Huh, scrub a toilet, dig a trench, write a book?

Well, if we don't do this, who will?

I can't believe you invited me over and you don't have any dip.

Red, we're having a girl's night out.

I need you to bag all the almonds and tie 'em with a bow.

Why me? 'Cause I said so.

I don't want to. Well, you have to.

Oh, you... you make me crazy.

Oh, you... you make me crazy.

Fine. Good.

Since you're getting married, I'll teach you how to do that.

j&j&

To Forman and Donna.

To Forman and Donna. To Forman and Donna.

Where is Forman? Who cares?!

Who cares?! Who cares?!

How did I not know about this place?

I spent my whole life trying to get girls to take their clothes off, and all I needed was $10.

You know, I don't understand why chicks don't like guys to look at strippers.

I mean, these women are artists.

It's like Leonardo or Da Vinci.

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

Bravo.

Forman, where's your beer hand?

I chewed off the tape in the men's room.

Wait, that was you makin' those sounds?

Hey, you know, forget what I said about there being a mummy in the bathroom.

I can't stop thinking about what Donna's doing.

The only reason she's still in Point Place is 'cause of me.

If it weren't for me, she'd probably be on the other side of the world by now.

Hey, I grew up on that side of the world, and it's no picnic.

Although when you eat every meal on the ground, I suppose, technically it is a picnic.

Look, all I know is if I let Donna stay in Point Place, she's gonna miss out on all those great things she wanted to do, and it'll be all my fault.

Forman, would you quit whining?

Donna's gonna marry you.

From where I'm sittin', what's on your plate looks pretty good.

You don't cut open the sausage, Forman. You just eat it.

Well, I wish it were that easy, Hyde, but it's a complex emotional issue.

Hey, Phil Donahue, live nudes. j&j&

Oh, well, now this looks like a good place for a bachelorette party.

Yeah, did you see that neon sign out front?

It had a naked man with an arrow pointing this way.

Um, I don't think that was an arrow.

Welcome to the Little Boy's Room where every night is ladies' night...

Everybody's pants come off.

Well, that's a catchy slogan.

These guys have been doing some hard time, and they're dyin' to meet some ladies.

Well, now he... he looks like he's been a bad boy!

Take it off! Take it off!

Is that how we do this? I'm not sure how to be naughty in public.

Ooh!

These guys are goin' back to jail for as*ault with a sexy w*apon.

Oh, my God, Casey? Oh, my God, Casey!

It's just, Donna's giving up everything she ever wanted.

I can't help but feel like I'm holding her back, you know?

Okay, just so you know, I make most my money on tips.

I'm sorry.

Here, you-y-y...

You should probably just take this.

Thanks. Forman, would you quit depressing the strippers?

When you depress the strippers, they go like this.

Yeah, this isn't some hole in the wall where hopeless losers blow their money on people who don't care about their problems.

This is a strip joint.

Yes, it is, Eric. You're ruining the romance.

You, dance for my money!

And the rabbit runs around...

...and then back in the hole.

Hey, Red, what do ya think of my nut bag?

Ha ha, Bob.

I'm done with this.

This is not man's work. I mean, if Kitty wanted me to sh**t the almonds at some communists, that I could do.

Oh, you're a big talker now that she's gone.

I'm not afraid of her, and I'm not doin' this, and I don't care if it means I have to sit through another one of her silent breakfasts.

What, she just sits there?

I talk, she just ignores me.

I had to buy a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's just so that someone would smile at me.

You can always call me, Red.

I'd rather talk to syrup.

So workin' at a strip club. Yeah.

I finally found a way to cash in on my good looks without having to humiliate myself.

No, you're not humiliating yourself.

I mean, you're not the naked guy.

You're the guy who introduces the naked guy.

Yeah. So I'm surprised to see you're still in town.

You know, you'd always talked about gettin' outta here.

I always thought you'd be someplace more glamorous by now, like Paris or Reno.

Well, I've got Eric and my job and a great place to live in and/or pull behind a car.

I mean, it's not what I expected, but it's definitely the right thing to do.

You know, that trailer is tiny, and I need room to roam.

j& Born free j& j& As free as the something free j&

You know, this town is so small, I don't even know what free is.

Yeah. Look, listen, I've been other places, and it's not that great.

I mean, since I came back here, I've got it made...

Free drinks, I can borrow any of these freaky costumes when I want.

Plus, you know, it's showbiz. Yeah.

So you're happy here.

Yeah, and you will be, too.

And don't worry, you know, by the time you have a few kids, you'll probably be livin' in a much bigger trailer.

j&j&

j&j&

Hi. You home already?

I thought those boys would take your clothes and leave you naked in Indiana.

You kids... you just don't know how to do anything.

Listen, Dad, Donna wants to stay in Point Place after we get married.

I... How can that be a good idea?

Son, in this relationship, you're gonna have one instinct, and Donna's gonna have another.

Always go with hers.

If history has taught us anything, it's that you're always wrong.

What about the time that I...

Oh, yeah, I got nothin'.

You know, being with your mother has taught me one thing.

A man can only rise to the level of the woman that he's with.

Hey, what's up?

I saw a naked man's butt.

j&j&

Donna, happy fifth anniversary!

Hey, I want you to put on your best dress, because there's another sequel to Star Wars.

And Mr. and Mrs. Eric Forman are gonna be first in line.

What's goin' on?

I'm leaving you, Eric. What?

We could see the new Jane Fonda movie instead.

Eric, I'm miserable.

How can you let me settle for this?

But you said this is what you wanted.

Well, I was wrong. I guess I was just trying to make you happy, and I forgot about myself.

I mean, I wanted to see the world, not the inside of a trailer.

But, Donna, I love you.

I love you, too, but it's not enough.

Good-bye, Eric.

I'm sorry. Can you just take that?

Yes, you can just squeeze through there. Thank you.

Hey, For-play.

Casey?

Yeah, your mom said I could bunk here.

But don't worry, bud, as soon as everybody's asleep, I'm gonna head over to your sister's room.

So beautiful morning, huh?

Boy, these waffles look great.